I'm having one of those days where I just can't bring myself out of this mess. I'm sorry if you've been trying to reach me of late, but I have been elsewhere in my head. I'm so busy dealing with things that seem to be collapsing that I've been terribly oblivious to anyone knocking at my door.
I'm tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted. My body aches. My tongue is dry. I have so many things to worry about that if I get one more thing, I think I'm going to wade off into the ocean and never come back. I wish I knew how to mold myself so that I could make someone happy with me. That I would feel okay just being who I am because it's acceptable. I just don't know how to be anyone but me, how to deal with things exactly as I'm dealing. I'm not a terribly pleasant person to be around right now. I get that. But for once, I'd really like if to be listened to-- what I want, how I feel instead of being told that I should feel/act/react some other way. Because I am so so tired of "I understand because I hear that you're speaking, but why can't you do this instead..?" Obviously, this is not a blanket statement on my friends, but it is a problem that I've been running into with more than one person as of late. The press of having my opinion swept to the side makes me want to scream. And if one more person says that I'm not "emotionally open" enough, I'm swearing off people for fucking ever. I don't have the energy to fight so many battles at once.
To those of you who responded to my last locked post, thank you. The outpouring of support has been helpful, and I now know that I have a gajilion couches all over the world should I need to crash for a bit. I keep reminding myself that there's light at the end of this, however hard things get. But right now, it's hard not to despair. 30 days to find a new home and a $350/week income. It's going to be terrifying.
I feel like I keep bursting stitches. Every time things start to heal, something happens, and I'm bleeding again. Just cut the damn thing off already and be done with it.
I'm tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted. My body aches. My tongue is dry. I have so many things to worry about that if I get one more thing, I think I'm going to wade off into the ocean and never come back. I wish I knew how to mold myself so that I could make someone happy with me. That I would feel okay just being who I am because it's acceptable. I just don't know how to be anyone but me, how to deal with things exactly as I'm dealing. I'm not a terribly pleasant person to be around right now. I get that. But for once, I'd really like if to be listened to-- what I want, how I feel instead of being told that I should feel/act/react some other way. Because I am so so tired of "I understand because I hear that you're speaking, but why can't you do this instead..?" Obviously, this is not a blanket statement on my friends, but it is a problem that I've been running into with more than one person as of late. The press of having my opinion swept to the side makes me want to scream. And if one more person says that I'm not "emotionally open" enough, I'm swearing off people for fucking ever. I don't have the energy to fight so many battles at once.
To those of you who responded to my last locked post, thank you. The outpouring of support has been helpful, and I now know that I have a gajilion couches all over the world should I need to crash for a bit. I keep reminding myself that there's light at the end of this, however hard things get. But right now, it's hard not to despair. 30 days to find a new home and a $350/week income. It's going to be terrifying.
I feel like I keep bursting stitches. Every time things start to heal, something happens, and I'm bleeding again. Just cut the damn thing off already and be done with it.
Current Mood: 
angry
angry