Quick update
-- I will be doing the rune readings for everyone who replied on Friday.
-- Bad news at the vet. Olive is coming off the low-grade chemo, effective immediately. Her white blood cell count is good. Her red blood cell count is good. But her liver toxicity levels are climbing too quickly for the vet to feel comfortable keeping her on. She's not at critical levels or anything at this time, but he judged that pushing her right now is not a good idea. We are going to do another blood test in three weeks. If the liver toxicity does not continue a dramatic climb, it's not really good, but it's better than nothing. If it does, we are probably looking at very bad things and hard choices. I cried a lot today. If you are the praying sort, I would appreciate keeping Olive in your thoughts.
But please. Please do not do the "I am so sorry about Olive" thing right now. I know you guys care a lot. I am so, so grateful for your support. But. I am doing this only as a sort of update so you guys know what's going on... getting sympathy messages all night long will probably make me a fucking basket case right now. I can't do it. I know I'm being selfish in this regard right now, but that's where I'm at and I have to be honest about it.
On a "how am I dealing" note... aside from the bouts of bitter weeping, I have been really angry. Not at my vet. He is compassionate, intelligent, and I know he is doing every reasonable thing to help us give Olive the best care we can give her. But we have shelled out many thousands of dollars and still, no one can tell us definitively what the hell is happening with our cat. Only to prepare for worst case eventualities. I cannot stand the words "I'm not really sure" right now. The past seven months or so have frayed my nerves to the point of breakdown, and I'm at the anger stage of grief right now. Though I've done my fair amount of bargaining, too.
The fact that there's no prognosis-- no "you can expect X weeks / months / years" has left me unable to either prepare or relax, as Abby said today when I called her in tears. I am in this horrible gray place and putting that out of my mind in order to be functional has been pretty difficult. My brain is dysfunctional that way. It's kind of broken. I have been doing my absolute best to love on her every moment she'll let me. That helps a little. But I am still having pretty awful daily anxiety attacks and generally feeling like a total unstable waste of a human being right now.
-- Retail therapy. I bought a hand-tailored wrap top with fancy sleeves and a nice pencil skirt. A big gaping hole in my wardrobe is that nebulous area between casual and fancy. I will shortly possess a complete outfit that looks mature, flattering, and professional.
-- Bad news at the vet. Olive is coming off the low-grade chemo, effective immediately. Her white blood cell count is good. Her red blood cell count is good. But her liver toxicity levels are climbing too quickly for the vet to feel comfortable keeping her on. She's not at critical levels or anything at this time, but he judged that pushing her right now is not a good idea. We are going to do another blood test in three weeks. If the liver toxicity does not continue a dramatic climb, it's not really good, but it's better than nothing. If it does, we are probably looking at very bad things and hard choices. I cried a lot today. If you are the praying sort, I would appreciate keeping Olive in your thoughts.
But please. Please do not do the "I am so sorry about Olive" thing right now. I know you guys care a lot. I am so, so grateful for your support. But. I am doing this only as a sort of update so you guys know what's going on... getting sympathy messages all night long will probably make me a fucking basket case right now. I can't do it. I know I'm being selfish in this regard right now, but that's where I'm at and I have to be honest about it.
On a "how am I dealing" note... aside from the bouts of bitter weeping, I have been really angry. Not at my vet. He is compassionate, intelligent, and I know he is doing every reasonable thing to help us give Olive the best care we can give her. But we have shelled out many thousands of dollars and still, no one can tell us definitively what the hell is happening with our cat. Only to prepare for worst case eventualities. I cannot stand the words "I'm not really sure" right now. The past seven months or so have frayed my nerves to the point of breakdown, and I'm at the anger stage of grief right now. Though I've done my fair amount of bargaining, too.
The fact that there's no prognosis-- no "you can expect X weeks / months / years" has left me unable to either prepare or relax, as Abby said today when I called her in tears. I am in this horrible gray place and putting that out of my mind in order to be functional has been pretty difficult. My brain is dysfunctional that way. It's kind of broken. I have been doing my absolute best to love on her every moment she'll let me. That helps a little. But I am still having pretty awful daily anxiety attacks and generally feeling like a total unstable waste of a human being right now.
-- Retail therapy. I bought a hand-tailored wrap top with fancy sleeves and a nice pencil skirt. A big gaping hole in my wardrobe is that nebulous area between casual and fancy. I will shortly possess a complete outfit that looks mature, flattering, and professional.