New policy.
So, I've been thinking about conversations about social justice. Meta-commentary about them, actually. Having a conversation about the conversation.
Because let me tell you what I have noticed when there is a conversation about social justice going on: 9 times out of 10, the bulk of the comments on any given post are people dealing with someone who is derailing.
You know the type.
The White Womens' Tears type-- "but I didn't mean it that way!" / "That wasn't racist when I was growing up!" /"I'm colorblind!"
The dude who takes it personally and feels the need to barge in and explain All Dudes Aren't Like That (well, you know, duh), or to mansplain that what you're talking about isn't really sexist at all.
People who come in to the conversation either well-meaning intentions or with the complete intention to be a patronizing asshat. You know, "let's talk unsubstantiated hypotheticals instead of your concrete reality." "Let's discuss this from an existentialist perspective" (the You Are Not Intelligent Enough argument). You're making this out to be a way bigger deal than it is. This is not in line with my more privileged paradigm.
In the end, the intention doesn't so much matter because the end result is the same: the conversation gets turned around to be all about them and their feelings. The conversation reverts to discussion of the default (read: privileged) reality. And of course, those feelings must be acknowledged and assuaged before discussion can continue. Heavens forfend that they're not accepted-- well lordy be, there's about to be a temper tantrum. Also, probably a flounce. I'm better than you whiny whiners, anyway!
...and the conversation that was happening stops. People get too frustrated and go away. They stop talking and adding their voices to the conversation.
The derailer sulks off to complain about how mean everyone else is. Which... they might not have been mean at all, but the fact that that person's feelings weren't paramount in a discussion about lesser-privileged people seems to be enough to play this card.
Which isn't to say that people on both sides of the fence can't be assholes-- they can! There, I said it!-- but alas, more often than not, simple things like "hey, you know that was a racist/sexist/ -ist thing to say, right?" is used as evidence that people are Big Meanie Poo Poo Heads Always Pickin' On Me. Someone get the smelling salts.
In any case, people who have valid things to say based on personal experience never speak up because they might be perceived as antagonizing drama. Because this is the way conversations about social justice get characterized: drama. "Hand-wringing." Why don't you actually do something that I, the random more privileged person, deem appropriate? Undercut, undermine, mock. Safe spaces and places of civil discussion disappear. Outspoken and articulate allies get weary and take sanity breaks. We sweep it under the rug and move on. That conversation on social justice really wasn't that important, anyway.
Y'all, I'm sick of it.
So, new policy.
In this journal:
-If your comments are turning a significant part of the conversation away from the topic at hand and onto you and your (usually privileged) feelings and opinions,
-If you just can't help yourself from pulling out that "Devil's Advocate" bullshit,
-If you insinuate the conversation is not worth having, or
-If you routinely use the tactic of mischaracterizing the things being said to you...
...it will be pointed out to you. Don't go into defensive mode and start 'splainin. Take a chill pill, read some links about this kind of behavior. Get past the knee-jerk butthurt and think about what someone is telling you about what you just said. Think about whether or not you are denying someone else's lived life experience with what you just said. Realize that that's a sucky thing to do and don't do it again. You failed. You'll probably fail again sometime. But at least you'll fail better next time. It's a process.
If the derailing persists, you'll be put in time out. You know, like a toddler.
I'm sorry, but I am no longer willing to have important conversations suffer and go off the rails because there's always one person who has a chronic case of "ME! ME! ME! This conversation should be about ME!" Again, you know... like a toddler.
Bottom line: if you're going to enter a conversation wherein you are the privileged party (and sometimes even when you're not), you are going to be challenged. You've been marinating in that privilege your whole life, which is not your fault, but which has definitely shaped your worldview. Challenging that worldview hurts and is difficult and yes, you will put your foot in your mouth and unintentionally say -ist stuff. You might even get yelled at by a bunch of people you've hurt.
But if you can't deal with that and move on-- don't enter the conversation. If you want to change the topic of conversation to how Your Privileged Feelings are being "silenced" and your subsequent moral outrage?-- don't enter the conversation. There are plenty of other places to discuss Your Privileged Feelings. Go there. Shout it from the hilltops and no one can stop you. But your "freedom of speech" does not extend to derailing important conversations in this journal.
Discussions here require Big Kid Pants.
Think you can manage? We'd love to hear from you.
Because let me tell you what I have noticed when there is a conversation about social justice going on: 9 times out of 10, the bulk of the comments on any given post are people dealing with someone who is derailing.
You know the type.
The White Womens' Tears type-- "but I didn't mean it that way!" / "That wasn't racist when I was growing up!" /"I'm colorblind!"
The dude who takes it personally and feels the need to barge in and explain All Dudes Aren't Like That (well, you know, duh), or to mansplain that what you're talking about isn't really sexist at all.
People who come in to the conversation either well-meaning intentions or with the complete intention to be a patronizing asshat. You know, "let's talk unsubstantiated hypotheticals instead of your concrete reality." "Let's discuss this from an existentialist perspective" (the You Are Not Intelligent Enough argument). You're making this out to be a way bigger deal than it is. This is not in line with my more privileged paradigm.
In the end, the intention doesn't so much matter because the end result is the same: the conversation gets turned around to be all about them and their feelings. The conversation reverts to discussion of the default (read: privileged) reality. And of course, those feelings must be acknowledged and assuaged before discussion can continue. Heavens forfend that they're not accepted-- well lordy be, there's about to be a temper tantrum. Also, probably a flounce. I'm better than you whiny whiners, anyway!
...and the conversation that was happening stops. People get too frustrated and go away. They stop talking and adding their voices to the conversation.
The derailer sulks off to complain about how mean everyone else is. Which... they might not have been mean at all, but the fact that that person's feelings weren't paramount in a discussion about lesser-privileged people seems to be enough to play this card.
Which isn't to say that people on both sides of the fence can't be assholes-- they can! There, I said it!-- but alas, more often than not, simple things like "hey, you know that was a racist/sexist/ -ist thing to say, right?" is used as evidence that people are Big Meanie Poo Poo Heads Always Pickin' On Me. Someone get the smelling salts.
In any case, people who have valid things to say based on personal experience never speak up because they might be perceived as antagonizing drama. Because this is the way conversations about social justice get characterized: drama. "Hand-wringing." Why don't you actually do something that I, the random more privileged person, deem appropriate? Undercut, undermine, mock. Safe spaces and places of civil discussion disappear. Outspoken and articulate allies get weary and take sanity breaks. We sweep it under the rug and move on. That conversation on social justice really wasn't that important, anyway.
Y'all, I'm sick of it.
So, new policy.
In this journal:
-If your comments are turning a significant part of the conversation away from the topic at hand and onto you and your (usually privileged) feelings and opinions,
-If you just can't help yourself from pulling out that "Devil's Advocate" bullshit,
-If you insinuate the conversation is not worth having, or
-If you routinely use the tactic of mischaracterizing the things being said to you...
...it will be pointed out to you. Don't go into defensive mode and start 'splainin. Take a chill pill, read some links about this kind of behavior. Get past the knee-jerk butthurt and think about what someone is telling you about what you just said. Think about whether or not you are denying someone else's lived life experience with what you just said. Realize that that's a sucky thing to do and don't do it again. You failed. You'll probably fail again sometime. But at least you'll fail better next time. It's a process.
If the derailing persists, you'll be put in time out. You know, like a toddler.
I'm sorry, but I am no longer willing to have important conversations suffer and go off the rails because there's always one person who has a chronic case of "ME! ME! ME! This conversation should be about ME!" Again, you know... like a toddler.
Bottom line: if you're going to enter a conversation wherein you are the privileged party (and sometimes even when you're not), you are going to be challenged. You've been marinating in that privilege your whole life, which is not your fault, but which has definitely shaped your worldview. Challenging that worldview hurts and is difficult and yes, you will put your foot in your mouth and unintentionally say -ist stuff. You might even get yelled at by a bunch of people you've hurt.
But if you can't deal with that and move on-- don't enter the conversation. If you want to change the topic of conversation to how Your Privileged Feelings are being "silenced" and your subsequent moral outrage?-- don't enter the conversation. There are plenty of other places to discuss Your Privileged Feelings. Go there. Shout it from the hilltops and no one can stop you. But your "freedom of speech" does not extend to derailing important conversations in this journal.
Discussions here require Big Kid Pants.
Think you can manage? We'd love to hear from you.