Survivors of Incest Anonymous

Sigo sanando

2022-04-20T00:17:31Z

Buenas noches soy Johanna superviviente de abuso sexual en la infancia, sigo en este proceso de sanar mis heridas por este terrible trauma, aún siento miedo a la intimidad aún se me dificulta confiar en una mujer. Hace un año y 3 meses no tengo novia tengo 44 años y se me dificulta confiar soy muy celosa,siento que las mujeres son como mis agresores solo quieren utilizar me y traicionarme, pero esto me lleva a ser injusta y a una profunda soledad, y aislamiento atraigo mujeres igual de abusadas y rotas a mi mujeres dependientes o insensibles interesadas narcisistas pero me cuesta confiar como logro esto? Gracias por leerme..

Step I/Question VI: Do you isolate yourself/how?

2020-07-31T03:57:34Z

Step I/Question V: Do you isolate yourself? If yes, how?

I don't normally look at it as 'I isolate myself'. I just happen to spend a lot of time alone/with very limited people.

The only people in my circle are my three children and my fiance. I don't talk to my family and since ending unhealthy relationships with past friends and my children's family, I haven't made any new friendships. Now that I am engaged, I do have new people in my life, his adult children, his friends and his family. But I don't really talk to any of them outside of when we are all hanging out. All that to say, outside my adult children and fiance, I don't have friends/family. So this makes it easier to spend a lot of time alone.

I started a new job 2 months ago, I am the ONLY person in the office. I have Vice President's who are my 'boss' and come into the office maybe once a week for a meeting or to sign checks. So now I am alone all day/all week at work — I'm starting to feel like this may not be a good thing.

Sometimes I accept invitations to attend something, and then when the day/time comes, I either end up being super late, or cancel all together. It can even be something that sounded good and I was looking forward to, but when the time came, I'd just rather be home or not be there— especially if I will have the house to myself :)

I do select isolation when in a group setting. I will find a tucked away spot to be and not have to interact. If I can't get away physically, then I will disengage from the conversation. Letting everyone else talk. If necessary, I will throw in an occasional uh huh or that sounds interesting. But I do not engage in the conversation, even when it is something that I can relate to or have input on. I always feel like I'm doing this by choice, but when the time comes when I really should be participating in the conversation (still getting to know my fiancé's adult children and trying to interact is painful) I can't find a way to engage/participate. And it is an awful feeling.

I’m new here. Looking for support

2020-02-23T00:39:56Z

It’s scary to reach out - even online. I was sexually abused by my biological mother from age 0-18 years. I repressed it all until my 30’s when I started having nightmares and little pieces started coming back. It’s disgusting and terrifying and so so disturbing. I am feeling like I need someone to relate to. I’ve never met anyone who was sexually abused by their mother. I feel so alone.

I am worried for my nephews

2020-02-22T22:08:35Z

TW: child to child sexual abuse

Hi everyone,
I am new to this group and I am also new to opening up about the sexual abuse I went through as a child. For a long long time I did not believe what I experienced was abuse as I didn’t think it was “bad enough”. I’ve recently been doing more research and can say I have pushed this down for too long, and it has affected me in ways I did not realize.

Long story short: my sister, who was one year older than me, throughout my childhood and adolescence, would use ‘games’ where she was my ‘dominant boyfriend’ or ‘the prince saving the princess’ or the ‘doctor helping the patient’ to force me into multiple inappropriate situations. It never went to the point of penetration but heavy petting and kissing were involved. It made me feel disgusting and for the longest time, even when I knew I was wrong, I told myself it was a mutual decision to play the games. But the reality is, I knew it was wrong. There were times where I even physically tried to get away from her, and times where I asked her to stop, and she did not comply.

She did these things with me and my younger male cousin for multiple years. It stopped close to the end of high school and none of us has discussed it since. Ever since I have had an inclination of strange desires/attraction to younger people (she has shown signs of which and is also now dating a man convicted and registered with the national sex registry for having sexual relations with two underage girls, which is a problem in itself.)

The only reason I decided to search into this is that I now have two nephews. They are her nephews as well, and I am worried she will do things to them as she did to my cousin and I. I do not want to out her to my family or friends as we still have a familial relationship and I do love her. How do I go about protecting my nephews without upsetting their parents or having them want to cut ties with her?

Please help. At this point I do not know what to do.

Step 1/Question X: Do you nurture yourself and reach out for support?

2019-09-11T21:16:56Z

I do try to nurture myself. I have my hobbies that I am starting to get back into. I exercise and try to eat healthy. I try to do things for myself. Always looking for ways to better myself, which I feel is a form of nurture - to nurture those things that make me, me.

Reaching out for support would be a NO. I attend SIA - 12 step meeting for Survivors of Incest. I get to hear other survivors struggles and hope and I get to share...when I can bring myself to. And I go to premarital counseling with my fiancée. But I do not have friends or a sponsor/fellow traveler that I reach out to for support. I usually hold it in till it just spills over and I share with my spouse or my adult daughter. I could say that I go to her for support.

Step I/Question IX: Are you in touch with your feelings now?

2019-09-11T21:00:18Z

Am I in touch with my feelings now? Definitely not. This is one of the biggest issues with my abuse. As I've mentioned, I don't struggle with flashbacks, etc. My struggle is my disassociation with myself and those closest with me. Which is because I am not in touch with my feelings. I feel like I go through life emotionally flatlining. I'm not in touch with my anger, which I feel is a good thing, but I am also not in touch with my happiness. I have so much in my life to be excited about, to appreciate, to look forward to. But because I am so detached, I just go through the motions in life and don't get to experience the joys.

I've watched all three of my children turn 18, graduate High School, one go off to the Army and get married, return home from the Army, and countless other 'life's high's' and through it all, I was numb. I got engaged 6 month's ago, moved in with him, changed jobs for less stress, planning a honeymoon in Hawaii. There is nothing in my life at this moment that I can complain about, but do I walk around, happy, experiencing this precious moment?? No, I'm flatlined. I would feel the same inside if all things were struggling. I want to enjoy life. I want to feel happiness. I want to feel the love that is surrounding me.

Another way being out of touch with my feelings comes out, is in my relationship. My fiancée will ask me questions and I can't answer them. If it is something that involves asking myself how I feel about the situation in order for me to answer it, I will be quiet for a few minutes, while I process everything to come up with an answer, and there are times, I can't even come up with an answer, and I don't even acknowledge what he said, because I have nothing. This is something we've talked about and I am working on — to at lease acknowledge him and let him know I have no answer at that moment. Making decisions can be hard when you have no feelings to base them on.

One last thing — I mentioned that being out of touch with my feelings is one of my biggest struggles with my abuse, I can't leave it unsaid that my self hate, not feeling worthy to love or be loved, are the bases for all my other struggles with my abuse. These are the things I hope to heal from.

Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)

2019-08-30T22:00:37Z

Trigger Warning

Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!!

There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation. A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself. Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do. And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we were in the act, I would regress. When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual triggers. Waking up to someone touching me sexually was a big one for a long time. My partners learned that one real quick. Giving oral was definitely a trigger. Receiving oral would cause me to regress. And again, even though, I enjoyed it, there was always this underlined checkout/regression/timid side of me that would come out.

For many years, I felt as if I were numb, sexually. My sexual body parts did not feel the sensations like it does today. I was unable to orgasm — I think when you train your body to not respond for so many years, it takes a lot of recovery to get it back.

The sexual abuse caused me to be promiscuous for many years of my life. Having sex with someone I just met or didn't even like was not unusual for me. If someone was persistent enough, I'd go along with it.

For many years, I would have to think of the abuse/my abusers to enjoy masturbation/sometimes even sex. I think this may have been a control thing for me.

I am now at a place where I can enjoy pleasuring myself without all the negative tapes. I am also able to enjoy being sexual with my partner. I enjoy doing things, I don't just do them. I look forward to it. I think I have a pretty healthy view of sex and a healthy sex life today.

Step I/Question VII: How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body?

2019-08-28T22:37:22Z

Step I/Question VII: How has the abuse affected how you feel about your body?

For one, the abuse made me HATE MY BODY. I will write on this after.

For two, the abuse made me HATE ME. I hated myself so much. I hated everything about me. On top of all the sexual abuse, my mom was an alcoholic/drug addict who would beat and abandon my brother and I, until my dad got custody of us when I was 6. My dad was an alcoholic/drug addict who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive/was neglectful. He had a live in girlfriend who was a hard core alcoholic/coke head who was very abusive — including physical abuse. There was constant random abuse. And on top of ALL this, there was the sexual abuse. For those new to my writings, 3 incestual relations for 10 years, 1 incestual relation short term, 2 guys/1 night of sexual abuse age between 8-12, and one 3 month long relation with an adult male at age 14.

(TW)

Growing up, in additional to the taboo/secret sexual abuse that was happening, there was a lot of out in the open sexual abuse that went on as well. My dads girlfriend would walk around naked ALL the time, there were polaroid pictures of her all the time, naked. Sometimes by herself, sometimes performing sexual acts with my dad, sometimes her and her best friend, and the best friend's boyfriend. She had a 'sugar daddy' who she would visit, have sex with and get her drugs from. She would come back with polaroid's of that and tell my dad all about it in front of my brother and I. She would participate in wet t-shirt contests at the bars — I would have to hear all about that. Hear about her sex with my dad and everyone else she was having sex with. Her and my dad would have sex in front of us. Her friend and her boyfriend would have sex in the room with the door open in front of us. The best friend and her would have sex on the bed with the door open in front of us.

As a teen, I was always the only female. Family and friends were male. My dad had a monthly subscription to Playboy, which sat on the coffee table. I got to hear every perverted comment made by the guys who would flip through it when visiting. My dad had the Spice channels, so the living room constantly had porn playing. Again, hearing all the comments and perversion, and walking out into the living room with anyone masturbating at any time.

When out and about with my family or watching tv, they would see young girls and say what they would want to do to them or whatever perverse thought was going through their mind.

All of the above made me hate my body. It made me constantly compare myself to these other females and to never match up. I've always felt like there are males, there are females, and there is me. I never felt like a girl, like a woman. I am hypervigilant when it come to young or pretty girls around my spouse. As far back as I can remember. When we are out and about or watching tv, I am constantly on the look out for a pretty/sexy/young girl that my spouse may see, and when there is one, I feel shame inside. Like I am less than. I avoid going places with my spouse, where I know there will be beautiful girls — no beach, no concerts, etc. I say the meanest things to myself. As if a person's self worth is solely based on their looks. It is so shitty to feel and live this way. I've always been told that I am beautiful/attractive, but I have always seen myself as the ugliest person in the world. And what does it even matter??? There aren't enough words to say how the abuse has affected me and how or even how much I hate myself/my body.

And all this doesn't even touch on how the abuse has affected me as a person. All the screwed up shit I've done, all the screwed up shit I've allowed others to do. How warped my perception is. How I am unable to love/be loved. Unable to be present. Unable to be healthy and make healthy choices. The list goes on....

Step I/Question VI: Do you isolate yourself/how?

2019-08-27T22:03:43Z

Step I/Question VI: Do you isolate yourself? If yes, how?

I don't normally look at it as 'I isolate myself'. I just happen to spend a lot of time alone/with very limited people.

glad I found you

2019-08-25T22:43:52Z

Hello. I have been in Overeaters Anonymous for over 30 years and I am grateful for the priceless and plentiful recovery there. It was there in my first 4th/5th step that I first shared my story of incest. It was the first time I told anyone, the first time I said it out loud. I knew I had been molested by my grandfather at age 12 or 13 but I didn't want to be someone who had been molested so I never spoke of it even to myself. I began to understand at a fairly surface level the safety of the extra weight and the lack of clarity and boundaries in dealing with boys and then men. I saw for the first time my disconnect with my body and why going to doctors and dentists was particularly frightening. I went to two 12 step survivor meetings about 20 years ago. I got the book that was recommended. I read the first 30 pages at most and experienced many feelings when I did. Most seemed to be arousal which I felt odd and possibly shame about and it is here today that I can share that and pretty much feel like it would be understood.Time passed and I noticed that I had never returned to the book or the meetings. Interestingly, I would share with friends that my house was so organized my shelves and cupboards in such a pleasing order except for my office closet. My office closet was lined with shelves on both sides and by now a huge stack of all kinds of things filled the center of the closet almost to the ceiling. It always baffled me that I would keep this closet in such disarray.

A few years later we sold our home and it was time to clear out and pack the things in my office closet. When I got to the bottom of the huge stack in the center of the closet on the floor lay the book on incest opened to the page I had last read several years earlier. 12 years have passed since the day I was packing up the closet. In OA I have maintained approximately a 50 pound weight loss for 25years and my relationship with food and food habits is a miracle. No diets for 30 plus years and being the same weight is a miracle. Going to doctors today and being under a doctor's care though still challenging is a miracle. However, I have another 50 or so pounds to loose and I am never able to go below 200 and feel comfortable. Intense and overwhelming sexual feelings would happen and generally it was just too uncomfortable. I am in stronger place now as a result of the continued recovery and promises I have received in OA. I think it just may be time to do the recovery work through your program and it is for this reason that I am so very glad I found you. (siastepstudy)

Step I/Question V: Do you act out your pain...

2019-08-22T22:53:46Z

Step I/Question V: Do you act out your pain by self-injury, overeating, drugs, etc?

My family smoked pot, so I was smoking by 7th grade. At 15 my cousin gave me my first line of speed, which ended with me in rehab by age 20. I haven't done speed since, but I have on and off turned to weed to escape life.

My drug addition was short but did a lot of damage. Over the course of it, I lost 3 apartments, 3 cars, been homeless, had 3 children by age 21, had two of them taken for 6 months, and lost out on years of working towards an education or bettering my life.

In and out of my addiction, I participated in a lot of other self harming behaviors due to my sexual abuse. I slept with many people I wouldn't have slept with (wrote on this is a previous post). I stayed in relationships I should have, some physically abuse, some emotionally abusive. I allowed abuse people to be part of my life, till I was healthy enough to cut them out.

My self hate and unworthiness has kept me from living the life that I deserve to live and to enjoy it.

At times, I participate in risky behavior. Whatever that may be at the moment - from smoking to affairs, to acting out sexually with my partner or by myself.

hi everyone

2019-08-21T20:19:17Z

hi I'm new here don't know if i'm doing this right but it said if you are new here introduce yourself so hello i'm dory i found this through the thought of sharing my stories and life experiences and trying to get through everything so far i love this page everyone is very positive and helpful.

Step I/Question III: Do you blame yourself/body (TW)

2019-08-15T21:49:22Z

Q III. Do you blame the assaults on yourself? On your body?

Tricky question...nothing jumps out at me as definitive. I know when it started, I was too young to have been responsible for it. But there are times when I have felt that when I was older, maybe things would have been different and not carried out for so many years, had I reacted differently to my abuse/abusers. I was so submissive and groomed, that it made it easy for perpetrators.

There were times my body betrayed me and responded to the abuse....wth...what do you do with that??

I don't remember ever being told that I was having these things done to me because I was a good girl, or a bad girl, or a dirty girl. or because they loved me...I just remember feeling shame on a molecule level. I felt dirty, I felt like everyone knew-just by looking at me. I felt like 'the abuse' was what they saw when they looked at me — and this gave others permission to abuse me the way they did.

When I became a teenager, my dad started using his sexual abuse as a means of me getting things I asked for/needed. I had to let him touch me and do what he asks, for him to do something. I knew the abuse would happen one way or another, so most of the time I went along with what he said. In an attempt to control the abuse, I started to use this manipulation on the other people who abused me. At this point, the abuse, control, manipulation, survival was 'me'.

Step I/Question II: Who and how have you attempted to protect others?

2019-08-09T22:24:55Z

This was pretty much answered in my response to Question I: Have you kept your sexual abuse a secret?. I protected all my perpetrators. My dad, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, my dad's girlfriend's two brothers and the adult/child relationship I had.

I didn't tell anyone of the abuse while it was happening. And as I previously journaled, I even kept the secret from the perpetrators themselves. By pretending to be asleep and therefore, 'not knowing of the abuse'. If I acknowledged the abuse, then I would have been the 'bad' person.

Who and how can you tell when there is no one to tell? I couldn't tell my dad, who was sexually abusing me, or my brother, who was sexually abusing me. I couldn't tell my mom, who abandoned me to my pedophile father. My dad made sure that I knew my mom didn't want me and that if he didn't 'chose' to be a single father, I'd be in foster care. When sexual abuse runs in the family, there is no one to tell.

Step One - Question One: Did you keep your abuse a secret. Part I

2019-08-08T20:45:58Z

Step One - Question One: Did you keep your abuse a secret.

Part I

My immediate thought went to how long did I keep my abuse a secret, how old was I the first time I told someone, who was the first person I told...and then the darker sides of the secret started to come to light (see part II).

I had my first child at age 17. I had not told anyone of my sexual abuse prior to this. My son's father went to prison when I was 3 months pregnant, and after I had my son, I connected with a friend of my brothers. She and I became very close and I started dating her brother and became close to their mother as well. I confided in them about some of my abuse (years later, they would use this information against me a number of times).

At this same time, all of the family sexual abuse was starting to come to light. I learned of my brother's sexual abuse, my cousin's sexual abuse, my dads, both uncles and so on. I also learned of other people my dad had sexually abused. Up to this point, I thought it had only been me — I was WAY off. I learned that my dad had also sexually abused my brother's best friend for many years, who was also my childhood sweetheart as we had an on again off again relationship all throughout Jr. High. At some point, he learned that my dad had sexually abused me growing up. A few years later, this person told my new boyfriend that me and my dad had a sexual relationship for many years and that it was consensual. I felt so betrayed and had similar experiences after that. I then became much more selective of what and with who I shared with.

See part II...

Step I/Question I: Did you keep your abuse a secret? Part III

2019-08-08T20:33:41Z

When I think about the secrecy surrounding my abuse, there are two more instances that come to mind.

My dad was a single dad, raising my brother and I. In the 70's/80's, it was less common for a father to be a single parent as it was for a mother. My dad wore this as a badge of honor. Always sure to share this fact with strangers and relish in their praises of what a wonderful thing he was doing. I just remember standing by his side, as he would pull me in and share what a hard job it has been for him. Then the person would look down at me, smile, and tell me how lucky I was to have him. I would just feel so much rage and hate inside. All I could do was smile and thank them. But all I could think was what a piece of shit father he was. Alcoholic, drug addict, who put his abusive girlfriend before me and my brother. His rage, his physical, mental and sexual abuse. Yeah, he was a great father.

The other time was when I had two children and was in between places to live. Unfortunately, I had to move in with my dad for a few months while getting back on my feet. At the time, I was not getting along with my kids grandmother and aunt, who knew of my sexual abuse from my father. When they would call, I would tell my dad to tell them I wasn't there. There were a couple times this happened and apparently, they heard my kids in the background. They called children services who had a social worker come out to check on the kids. The kids and I weren't there the first time she came out. She met with my dad and let him know of the allegations of sexual abuse when I was a child, which he obviously denied. When I came home, he let me know about the social worker and that she would be back out to meet with me and the kids. He went on a rant of how he never abused me and how I better tell her this when she comes back out. All the buried hate, rage, and disgust came flooding back. Now I have to defend my dad against sexual abuse allegations, I had to protect him once more, I had to deny what he had done to me....because of my situation I did just that....

Step 1 - Question 1: Did you keep your abuse a secret. Pt. II (TW)

2019-08-08T19:17:14Z

Part II (Trigger Warning)

After processing the first half of this question, I started to see the different levels of secrecy.

Not only did I keep the abuse a secret from outsiders, but I also kept it a secret from my perpetrators.

As a teenager, my brother's sexual abuse always happened in the middle of the night while I was asleep. I would wake up to him touching me, while touching himself and verbalizing his fantasy. I would pretend to stay asleep through the whole thing — as if I had no knowledge of what he did to me.

My dad, a lot of his abuse happened while I was awake, but one of his MO's was to carry me out of my bed during the night and bring me to his where he would abuse me. During these instances, again, I would pretend to stay asleep and to be oblivious of what he had done to me.

My uncle who abused me on several occasions when he got me alone, had other ways of using me in everyday situations and again, I would pretend to be oblivious to what he was doing. One example would be of a time I was at his house, standing in the middle of the living room holding and petting his cat. He walked up to me, started talking to the cat and then petting it. After petting the cat's head a couple of times, he began to pet the cat on it's side that was pressed against my chest. Sliding his hand between the cat and my chest and petting me more than the cat. He would always wear short shorts with no underwear and let himself hangout and watch me to see if I would look. He had a lot of odd ways of being openly sexual towards me. Again... I would pretend to be oblivious.

By pretending to not be aware of these things, I kept the abuse a secret from the very people who were abusing. I protected them. I took all the guilt and shame that should have been theirs and made it mine.

Part III will touch on two other layers of secrecy...

Where is the line?? (TW)

2019-08-07T22:02:26Z

This is something I've gone back and forth on over the years. Was this sexual abuse?? If not, what was it?? Any personal stories or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

If you have not read my previous posts/blogs, I have an extensive history of abuse/sexual abuse leading up to the summer of age 14. I know the previous abuse was the fuel for what happened.

There was a family that lived by us when I was about 7 or 8, they were good friends with my dads girlfriend, that is how he met her. The couple had a little girl who was 6 years younger than me. My dad and his girlfriend partied a lot and fought a lot. I started spending a lot of time with the family and when they moved about 20 minutes away, I would spend the weekends, and most of the summer at their house. When I was 14, they moved to Florida. That summer, they flew me out to spend the summer with them. At the time, the mom worked at a office, the dad worked from home, and the little girl continued to attend her daycare that she would attend while the parents were working. So during the week, it was just the dad and I at home. One day, when I was bored in the house, I went out to the garage where he had his wood shop set up. He was working and I was standing there talking to him. When he asked me to hand him one of the tools that was next to me, I took it and put it behind my back refusing to give it to him. He walked over to me, asking me to let him have it. I proceeded to tell him that he had to get it from me. Well, this turned into a whole game of grabbing, teasing, and the next thing I know we are making out and all over each other. Things progressed quickly. For the remainder of the summer, we did everything (but sex) every chance we got. To the point where he would come out at night, when his wife was asleep, and we would mess around. He never had sex with me because I was a virgin and he did not want to take my virginity. In my sick and twisted mind, the more he refused to have sex with me, the more I would do and carry on.

At times, I have struggled with calling this sexual abuse. I was 14, I knew what I was doing, I instigated it, and continued it. At the same time, he was somewhere between 32-36 and should not have given in from the beginning. I don't think I would have done this if it wasn't for the previous abuse. This person was the only male in my life who had not abused me in anyway, sometimes I wonder if this is why I did what I did. Could I not allow a male in my life without him using my body?? Did I need him to be sexual with me in order for me to accept him as loving and caring for me as a person?? I think the moment he would have had sex with me, I would have been over the whole....I don't even know what to call it...affair...situation...seduction....???

New to this

2019-07-11T22:45:22Z

Hi — I'm a 47 year old man and 4 weeks ago I was working with an EMDR counsellor and I finally remembered the sexual abuse my mother inflicted on me aged 7/8. I was wondering if anyone can provide me with any guidance on where to go from here — I feel quite lost and overwhelmed atm. I am 15 years sober and so am used to the 12 step programme in another fellowship. Thanks, Roderigo

New to Group

2019-05-20T15:40:11Z

Thank you for being here for me

Two Sides of a Screaming Coin

2018-08-24T08:47:48Z

Two Sides of a Screaming Coin

The girl had always felt alone. Her mind was a dangerous animal, now uncaged and wrecking everything in the world. She would turn to her mother but when she would scream her mother would scream too. She began to see her reflection in her mother’s eyes, the happy times were twisted by mania and the bad times were growing in number.

So many screams.

The girl had always felt alone. She turned to her father for solace and he revealed exactly what type of creature he was. The drink was not his poison, but his remedy to a mind that screeched and fought him. Without it, he promised, he would start to scream too. There were two he’s – the one that could spin lies and the one that could only scream. Was she to prefer the lies?

So many screams.

The girl had always felt alone. But she was not. She had two parents who knew what it felt to let out their voice, to dry their throats as they prayed to a God that may or may not be. She wondered, why had they kept their lips sealed for so long when she was the only one twisting, turning, screaming? Why only now was the echo clear in her head that it was not her that was the black sheep, but instead just the middle of a screaming coin?

So many screams.

The Countdown

2018-08-16T22:16:35Z

Five.

The meeting of a new friend, a shelter in the storm that tore at the girl every moment of her horror story of a life. A smile, a hug, a bracelet. It means so much for this time, churns up the girl’s hope that perhaps once again she can be part of society. A part of happiness. A part of a world she has never truly known. But this is stage five, and we have more to go.

Four.

The friendship hits a few bumps and bruises but the girl ignores them. She smiles happily whenever her friend enters the door, hops to her, hugs her, loves her. She offers her gifts when she is given gifts, and the two bond for quite a while. There’s something suspicious about this friendship but perhaps it is all in her crazy little head.

Three.

The friendship stagnates. It is no longer as enjoyable as it once was, and the friend begins to pull away. She sees her less and less and then soon she actually turns away from her. She fights hard to keep this friend and churns her body inside and out to try to fight what she know is coming which is

Two.

The friend tells her she no longer has interest in being her friend. It shatters the girl who wanted the friendship, but the other cares not. Why care for a friend you only wanted temporarily?

One.

Alone. In a sea of despair and loneliness she watches her old friend from afar. That friend has a new friend now. I wonder if she’ll do the same to her.

Zero.

Start again.

Armor

2018-08-13T10:51:44Z

Armor

When terrible tragedies befall little girls like her, they search out a new form of armor they can wear. Search they may, in a variety of places, search as she did, until what she found was darkness. The abyss called to her, and told her that the darker she was, the more powerful. The more horrors she could withstand, the more bold she would become. She drank it’s twisted tangle of truth and lies and swallowed them together, as intended, full potency.

She would forever push herself to be meaner, darker, with more rage and more savagery than anyone else. That way, the next demon that came along – and she always believed in the inevitability of more demons – wouldn’t stand a chance against her.

Rejection

2018-08-13T10:48:52Z

Rejection

The world around the girl began to change at the feel of uncertainty in her limbs. When the world knew her pain there was nowhere to hide, so she created a shell around herself that prepared herself for all but one thing: rejection.

As her poisoned mind began to seep out and leave stains wherever she went, people turned her away, sickened by her disease. She began to feel their wrath, the wrath of friends and lovers, who turned her into a leper when they could no longer stand her illness. She didn’t understand them, same as she had the same understanding of herself; which was, none at all.

One thing she was familiar to was pain. Their false love stung hard but she swallowed it every time, surprised despite herself at each and every event. Still, she began to stop reaching out her hand towards the burner, for oh how she understood that burn. Her hands became healed, but she was isolated like a ship at sea in the middle of a coming storm.

The worst was yet to come, poor girl.

Punishment

2018-08-13T10:47:05Z

Punishment

The day was sweet, like sugar, like nectar, like something that could have filled her days forever had it not been for the bomb inside her mind. It ticked so softly and shifted not, so that she hadn’t the idea that it was there, collecting the ammo of knives and needles.

All it needed was a trigger man.

It was not the fault of the one who pulled the trigger the night she first tasted red. She was a live wire, due to something in her mind that just wasn’t quite right. It had morphed her self-hatred and her vulnerabilities into weapons, weapons she could use on herself. It mattered not that the walls were white instead of brown, it mattered not that they bound her wrists and mouth and locked her way, it mattered not that those who loved her would never be able to reach into this scarlet world. She had weapons now. And, even if they only worked on herself and those she cared about, she could not resist the itch to use them after being weak for so long.

Time passed backwards here, never day, never night, only white. She reached out to others, others with weapons. They shared ideas, sparked each other’s madness. It was here she met the disturbed. It was here she found out where she belonged.

The sane world hated her for her weakness and her weapons. There was no winning there. But a world just outside the norm, a world coated in red - that was something that understood her. At least, that was what she came to believe for a long time, and on certain days, it still rings true to her finely tuned ear.

There was something that reached into the scarlet after her. A single word she did not yet understand:

Survivor.