What you’ll find in this Clarity Series post

• My experience of living with clear double standards in my marriage, and how they showed up in everyday life

• An explanation of what double standards look like in abusive relationships and how they commonly appear

• Insight into the mindset that drives them, including entitlement, ownership, superiority, and control

• How these patterns shape behaviour across areas like emotions, finances, decision-making and accountability

• A downloadable checklist to help you recognise double standards more clearly

When Care Only Goes One Way

During my abusive marriage, my husband broke his ankle.

While he was on crutches, he spent his days stretched out on the sofa, watching TV and playing video games. Whenever he wanted something, like a snack, his phone, or a meal, he would call for me, and I would bring it to him. His injury became the centre of the household. Everything adjusted around his need to rest, recover, and be cared for.

Six months later, I injured my foot and now I was the one on crutches. But the need for care and support did not seem to apply to me. I was still expected to work, manage the house, care for our child, and meet his demands. There was no adjustment, no space to rest, and no recognition that I physically could not keep up in the same way.

As I struggled, his irritation grew. What I couldn’t do became his focus. He questioned why things weren’t done and criticised what I had missed. He demanded I do things that I physically couldn’t manage.

On one particular day, his resentment boiled over. “Why haven’t you cleaned our child’s room?” he asked. “Don’t you care about him?” “Come to his room now to rearrange his shelves!”

When I tried to explain that I couldn’t manage, he dismissed that reality and flew into a rage.

“You just don’t care at all, do you?!” he snapped. “I’m going to tell our child you don’t care about him.”

What this situation showed was a clear double standard, one that reflected a wider pattern in the relationship. When he was injured, he expected care, patience, and adjustment. When I was injured, he expected me to continue functioning at the same level and meeting his demands.

When I couldn’t meet those expectations, he didn’t recognise my limitation. He escalated, criticised, and imposed punishment, choosing something he knew would hurt me most by threatening to emotionally harm our child in order to force me back into line.