This is such a clear and powerful breakdown of covert abuse. It is incredibly confusing for survivors — and often just as difficult to explain to others. It’s all too easy for people to dismiss it when they hear about it, or to say they’ve never seen evidence of this cruelty, so it must not be real. But remember: if you’re not living in someone’s shoes, you don’t have the full story. When someone trusts you enough to share their experience, meet them with compassion and kindness. I also write about similar topics and love to share what I’ve learned along the way. 💙
"...know that what happened to you is real, your story matters, and you are not alone." Thank you. Validation is freeing. I need to hear this in various versions, multiple times a day, to heal every part of me that he broke.
Have lived through this hell as described in this article. It is an experience I never wish to repeat and has almost 100% caused me to not ever want to try to have another "significant other" type relationship; instead to focus on my own healing and letting others know that there is such a form of abuse. And encouraging others to get out of those type of soul sucking relationships.
I think it’s also important to mention the evangelical church’s complicitness in this arena. “You need to submit more, forgive him, extend him grace.” And my favorite: “ Are you sure you’re not just being overly sensitive?” I had a woman from church actually ask me if maybe my husband had dementia? So desperate to excuse his behavior because they couldn’t comprehend that an elder in our church was capable of ‘being mean.’
Thank you for this article. Let’s continue to shine the light on the more covert forms of abuse!
Thank you for bringing up a very important point - domestic abuse is not always obvious, and abusers don't necessarily conform with common stereotypes people have of abusers.
One very common stereotype is that men are abusers and women are victims. In my personal experience this stereotype was used to cover extreme coercive and controlling behaviour.
Hi Bella, I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. Narcissistic abuse leaves very deep wounds. I am so glad he has a supportive friend like you. Yes, there are support groups for me experiencing this. Which country is he in?
Thank you so much! I will forward these to him. It is so wrong, it breaks my heart. All people living this way need support but I feel that, just like women, men need their own spaces to be able to openly admit aspects of their experiences they may feel uncomfortable sharing in the presence of women. Perhaps that should be my mission, find a way to help facilitate that.
Yes, sadly true. I was hoping you would say he is in the UK, because they actually have so much support for men - national organisations like Men's Aid, Mankind Initiative, Domestic Violence Against Men, Men's Advisory Project, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. It's really good to see.
One of the main reasons there are supportive spaces for women who have experience abuse is that women acted. They grouped together, fought hard for equality rights, established women health and supports centres. Women dined time fundraising, applying for government funding - and often don’t receive enough. Men should try it and then they’ll also have the spaces they claim to need
I had the bruises, the screaming, the slammed doors, raised fists, thrown objects and vile threats. I also had the covert abuse, the gaslighting, the insidious cruelty that no one else sees. The man could scream vile insults and threats at me, and when the phone rang, could be perfectly pleasant to the caller. The bruises healed, years ago. But I am still getting over the covert abuse, the cruelty, the contempt. Thank you for writing about the abuse that no one else sees, the abuse that you’re not even sure IS abuse. Until you are.
This is such a clear and powerful breakdown of covert abuse. It is incredibly confusing for survivors — and often just as difficult to explain to others. It’s all too easy for people to dismiss it when they hear about it, or to say they’ve never seen evidence of this cruelty, so it must not be real. But remember: if you’re not living in someone’s shoes, you don’t have the full story. When someone trusts you enough to share their experience, meet them with compassion and kindness. I also write about similar topics and love to share what I’ve learned along the way. 💙
"...know that what happened to you is real, your story matters, and you are not alone." Thank you. Validation is freeing. I need to hear this in various versions, multiple times a day, to heal every part of me that he broke.
Have lived through this hell as described in this article. It is an experience I never wish to repeat and has almost 100% caused me to not ever want to try to have another "significant other" type relationship; instead to focus on my own healing and letting others know that there is such a form of abuse. And encouraging others to get out of those type of soul sucking relationships.
I think it’s also important to mention the evangelical church’s complicitness in this arena. “You need to submit more, forgive him, extend him grace.” And my favorite: “ Are you sure you’re not just being overly sensitive?” I had a woman from church actually ask me if maybe my husband had dementia? So desperate to excuse his behavior because they couldn’t comprehend that an elder in our church was capable of ‘being mean.’
Thank you for this article. Let’s continue to shine the light on the more covert forms of abuse!
Thank you for bringing up a very important point - domestic abuse is not always obvious, and abusers don't necessarily conform with common stereotypes people have of abusers.
One very common stereotype is that men are abusers and women are victims. In my personal experience this stereotype was used to cover extreme coercive and controlling behaviour.
Hi Bella sorry I don't know much about support organisations. I see the author of this substack has made some suggestions.
No worries, thank you for responding 😊
Hi Bella, I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. Narcissistic abuse leaves very deep wounds. I am so glad he has a supportive friend like you. Yes, there are support groups for me experiencing this. Which country is he in?
Thank you!! He is in the South Eastern United States.
Unfortunately, not much in that area dedicated only to men, but these two are inclusive of all:
Stop Abuse for Everyone (SAFE) explicitly recognises male victims and has a text line for people needing support: https://stopabuseforeveryone.org/finding-help/
National Domestic Violence Hotline covers all victims, regardless of gender
https://thehotline.org
It is so wrong that there are so few support groups for men in these situations. 😔
Thank you so much! I will forward these to him. It is so wrong, it breaks my heart. All people living this way need support but I feel that, just like women, men need their own spaces to be able to openly admit aspects of their experiences they may feel uncomfortable sharing in the presence of women. Perhaps that should be my mission, find a way to help facilitate that.
Yes, sadly true. I was hoping you would say he is in the UK, because they actually have so much support for men - national organisations like Men's Aid, Mankind Initiative, Domestic Violence Against Men, Men's Advisory Project, Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. It's really good to see.
One of the main reasons there are supportive spaces for women who have experience abuse is that women acted. They grouped together, fought hard for equality rights, established women health and supports centres. Women dined time fundraising, applying for government funding - and often don’t receive enough. Men should try it and then they’ll also have the spaces they claim to need
I had the bruises, the screaming, the slammed doors, raised fists, thrown objects and vile threats. I also had the covert abuse, the gaslighting, the insidious cruelty that no one else sees. The man could scream vile insults and threats at me, and when the phone rang, could be perfectly pleasant to the caller. The bruises healed, years ago. But I am still getting over the covert abuse, the cruelty, the contempt. Thank you for writing about the abuse that no one else sees, the abuse that you’re not even sure IS abuse. Until you are.