This is spot on. I had a situation where the therapist was turned against me. It’s unfortunate but many therapists do not understand abuse, DV, coercive controls, etc. Later I learned about what you write about after the damage was done. 🩵
I'm so sorry to hear you experienced this first-hand. Yes, unfortunately many are not trained in coercive control and the subtleties of the manipulations, and so much damage can be done when they end up playing straight into the abuser's hands.
So true. Exactly what happened to me. I was so distraught at the time, I actually apologized for being the abusive one! Unbelievable! I was a wreck and he maintained control over everything. At one point the therapist asked him if he could take some responsibility. He remained completely silent and the session moved on. The outcome was further evidence I was the one unhinged. And I was. This was over 20 years ago before covert narcissism was a known factor.
It's heartbreaking but so understandable that you apologised for being the abusive one. It happens so often because victims are conditioned to take the blame and keep the peace, and are manipulated into believing the problem is all them. Abusers are highly skilled at controlling the narrative and playing the victim while presenting their partners as the crazy one. I'm so glad you recognise now that the problem was never you!
This is exactly where I am right now. Spent the last 25+ years with a covert narcissist and I only recently discovered and understood what happened! We’ve been in the discard phase for awhile and I have been hanging on, not for him or to preserve the marriage but i thought for our child, but I know that is no “gift” and staying is more harmful. Of course, he’s now seeing a counselor and he said she wants to have co-session with me. I knew it would not be good idea to go, but I look exactly like the “problem” in the relationship if I don’t go, so yet again he wins no matter what I do. And he’s now “documenting “ our conversations in writing to prove how unhinged I am, of course, it’s complete fiction but adds to his narrative. I would like to believe that a licensed therapist would be able to see him for what he is but I logically know that such a master manipulator can fool anyone. As Dr. Ramani has said, there is no justice for survivors. Just endless pain and exhaustion.
I'm so sorry you are caught in that incredibly difficult and exhausting place. Abusers will constantly trap us in situations where every choice feels like a lose-lose. You're absolutely right to trust your instincts about the joint session. Covert narcissists are masters at twisting the narrative, and unfortunately, even highly skilled therapists can be fooled by them. Mine has manipulated school principals, solicitors, therapists and psychologists with ease! What I can hear from your words though is that you really see his strategies and manipulations for what they are and you are firmly holding onto your truth. That alone is huge! Protect your peace as best as you can right now. And I hope you know that you don't owe any therapist proof of your reality, your truth, or your goodness. 💛
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and support. Your statement that, “I don’t owe any therapist proof of my reality, truth or goodness” really, really hit home- wow a lightbulb moment!! While I know I am not the problem and I see him for what he is and that our “relationship “ was a fraud, I still have that strong internal instinct to “answer and respond” and your words woke me up to the reality that I Don’t Owe Her Anything. Last night I just read an article about going to couples counseling with a narcissist and how damaging it can be, this part was so profound, “Abuse is not a relational problem. It is a misuse of power. Until this is universally understood within therapeutic settings, victims will continue to be harmed by interventions that mistake domination for dysfunction.”
Wow! This is not a “relational problem” therefore trying to sit there and have a counselor reason with me to be a partner to an abuser is absurd when you really think about it. It truly is about domination not “normal“ marital troubles. Thanks again for all of your clarity. I truly enjoy reading your posts, they are very enlightening, and it is great to have such a supportive network on sub stack.
Thank you for this article. It highlights some of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my ex. I would add that going to Mediation is also dangerous when dealing with an abusive partner. Luckily I had a lawyer advocating for me. That didn't stop my abuser from trying to force me into mediation through all sorts of excuses and manipulation schemes
This is spot on. I had a situation where the therapist was turned against me. It’s unfortunate but many therapists do not understand abuse, DV, coercive controls, etc. Later I learned about what you write about after the damage was done. 🩵
I'm so sorry to hear you experienced this first-hand. Yes, unfortunately many are not trained in coercive control and the subtleties of the manipulations, and so much damage can be done when they end up playing straight into the abuser's hands.
There seems to be such a lack of training and knowledge in these areas as well as all healthcare in my experience over many years. Frustrating. 🩵
So true. Exactly what happened to me. I was so distraught at the time, I actually apologized for being the abusive one! Unbelievable! I was a wreck and he maintained control over everything. At one point the therapist asked him if he could take some responsibility. He remained completely silent and the session moved on. The outcome was further evidence I was the one unhinged. And I was. This was over 20 years ago before covert narcissism was a known factor.
It's heartbreaking but so understandable that you apologised for being the abusive one. It happens so often because victims are conditioned to take the blame and keep the peace, and are manipulated into believing the problem is all them. Abusers are highly skilled at controlling the narrative and playing the victim while presenting their partners as the crazy one. I'm so glad you recognise now that the problem was never you!
This is exactly where I am right now. Spent the last 25+ years with a covert narcissist and I only recently discovered and understood what happened! We’ve been in the discard phase for awhile and I have been hanging on, not for him or to preserve the marriage but i thought for our child, but I know that is no “gift” and staying is more harmful. Of course, he’s now seeing a counselor and he said she wants to have co-session with me. I knew it would not be good idea to go, but I look exactly like the “problem” in the relationship if I don’t go, so yet again he wins no matter what I do. And he’s now “documenting “ our conversations in writing to prove how unhinged I am, of course, it’s complete fiction but adds to his narrative. I would like to believe that a licensed therapist would be able to see him for what he is but I logically know that such a master manipulator can fool anyone. As Dr. Ramani has said, there is no justice for survivors. Just endless pain and exhaustion.
I'm so sorry you are caught in that incredibly difficult and exhausting place. Abusers will constantly trap us in situations where every choice feels like a lose-lose. You're absolutely right to trust your instincts about the joint session. Covert narcissists are masters at twisting the narrative, and unfortunately, even highly skilled therapists can be fooled by them. Mine has manipulated school principals, solicitors, therapists and psychologists with ease! What I can hear from your words though is that you really see his strategies and manipulations for what they are and you are firmly holding onto your truth. That alone is huge! Protect your peace as best as you can right now. And I hope you know that you don't owe any therapist proof of your reality, your truth, or your goodness. 💛
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and support. Your statement that, “I don’t owe any therapist proof of my reality, truth or goodness” really, really hit home- wow a lightbulb moment!! While I know I am not the problem and I see him for what he is and that our “relationship “ was a fraud, I still have that strong internal instinct to “answer and respond” and your words woke me up to the reality that I Don’t Owe Her Anything. Last night I just read an article about going to couples counseling with a narcissist and how damaging it can be, this part was so profound, “Abuse is not a relational problem. It is a misuse of power. Until this is universally understood within therapeutic settings, victims will continue to be harmed by interventions that mistake domination for dysfunction.”
Wow! This is not a “relational problem” therefore trying to sit there and have a counselor reason with me to be a partner to an abuser is absurd when you really think about it. It truly is about domination not “normal“ marital troubles. Thanks again for all of your clarity. I truly enjoy reading your posts, they are very enlightening, and it is great to have such a supportive network on sub stack.
They weaponize their knowledge against you. They learn all the strategies and use them.
Thank you for this article. It highlights some of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my ex. I would add that going to Mediation is also dangerous when dealing with an abusive partner. Luckily I had a lawyer advocating for me. That didn't stop my abuser from trying to force me into mediation through all sorts of excuses and manipulation schemes