I'd rather be upside down

brighter days

serrin — Mon, 03 Apr 2017 05:22:42 GMT

Oh jeez, rereading my last entry is almost funny. Yes, in the moment, I was very upset with how things ended up with the casting for the Boston show. Fortunately, before I went to bed I channeled some Alyssa Edwards...

... and woke up in a much better state of mind ;)

With the intial sadness worn off I was able to think about it more logically, as opposed to emotionally, and realized it's probably for the best that I'm not involved in the show. After so many health issues and illness I think it will be more benefital to focus on training rather than rushing to put acts together. Acts that will possibly only work for that show and won't get performed again, which doesn't seem like the smartest investment of my time right now. My handstand stamina is slowly returning(happiness!) and this makes me want to put most of my focus on training vs. act creation. Plus, I have a intersting meramid themed gig this month that will take some prep. There is also potential gig in the begining of May that, if it goes through, will take even more preparation and specific training to get ready for. If I had to do all this, on top of getting acts ready for the Boston show, it might cause me to push too hard, get rundown, and relaspe healthwise. And that would be a very, very bad thing.

Also on the handstand/training topic, after so many road blocks(health issues, finances, scheduling), I finally have a handstand lesson with Cory this Tuesday and I am beyond excited. That is all :)

battle with illness

serrin — Sun, 15 May 2016 20:13:52 GMT

I'm going to start this post with some good news, I finally feel like myself for the first time in over four months. I'm finally able to do cardio like I did before I got sick and it doesn't completely exhaust me. I can do handstands and they feel like friends again, frenemies sometimes, but not like the hateful beings they had become. My body and I are working together and loving each other again. After a four month battle with illness and depression these things feel like heaven.

Now let me try to put together a shortened recap of this struggle to give some backstory(even shortened its still pretty long). I started feeling rundown in January, nothing too specific but lots headaches and tiredness. I was really pushing myself through workouts, it felt like my body was actively fighting me. End of January I was laid out on the couch with flu like symptoms, tonsils the size of golf balls, and complete exhaustion. Visit to the doctor yielded only that it was a virus and I need to rest and drink lots of fluids. I rallied and pulled myself together to visit my friend Molly, who was working on a cruiseship, for a week in the beginning of February. Made it through the week fine but shortly after coming home got sick again, worse than I was before I left. For the next two months I was basically couch ridden, with nothing to do but drink those fucking fluids and watch tv. Another trip to a doctor happened, where they told me it sounds like mono but the test came back negative so it must be a random virus and of course, make sure I drink lots of fluids. Being so sick that I couldn't do simple things like wash the dishes without feeling exhausted was brutal. All the things I had planned, the training, the creating, getting new video and photos, were now impossible. Other than a low key gig in Worcester, that took every last drop of my strength and set me back physically, I could not work during this time. I just sat and watched work possibilities slip by. I would lay on the couch and cry, scaring myself by thinking of all the possible things that could be causing this illness. The low point during this time was when I was sitting in the tub thinking "Maybe this is just how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. Maybe I just have some weird chronic condition and I'll never be physically active or healthy like I was before, I'll always feel exhausted and my thoughts will always be this sluggish and my head always this foggy." And my next thought was "I don't think that's a life I want to live." The fact that thought crossed my mind, and made perfect sense in that moment, scared me very much. It was a jolt and while I couldn't pull myself out of the depression I was in, I was able to guide myself away from the thoughts of not wanting to live. Not knowing what was wrong with me physically was adding to how emotionally devastating this illness was. I've had injuries and illnesses that took me away from living life the way I wanted and caused depression, but at least there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This unknown illness felt endless, like a black hole. I'm beyond grateful that Jon was with me this whole time, taking care of me, trying to keep my spirits up, forcing me to take vitamins, or just holding me while I cried. It scares me to think how I would have handled things if I didn't have his support. I eventually went to the ER where I was told(again) it sounded like mono and they ran more tests but they all came back negative or normal. Luckily not too long after the ER visit I began noticing small improvements, the swelling of my tonsils went down, my mind was sharper than it had been in a long time, and I was gaining small amounts of energy back. I wasn't healthy by any stretch but it was enough to give me hope. By mid April I was slowly easing back into training and by the end of the month I was eventually able to take part in a BCG gig. The gig set me back physically but nowhere near as bad as I was before I started recovering.

As of now, though I'm prone to becoming run down very easily, I'm almost fully recovered... or at the very least am back to feeling like a normal person. Granted my normal consists of generally feeling tired most of the time and is filled with doubts and insecurities but nothing like that physical and mental black hole I was in during the illness. I'm trying to pick things back up in my performing life, this illness has set me so far back in my training and creating, but I'm finally able to start making some slow progress. My body feels a little stronger every time I train and my brain is buzzing with with ideas for new acts. I've missed out on chances for work and this might be the first summer in 5 years I don't have a full time performing contract but I am oddly at peace with that. The illness changed my preferred trajectory but the other path it put me on is not a bad one. Its a path of training hard, staying local, and reconnecting with friends. Its a path of more artistically developed acts, new skills, and hopefully opportunities to work more extensively with the BCG. Its a different journey than I was planning on taking but as long as I stay healthy, I'm excited to see where it takes me.

some prospective

serrin — Mon, 04 May 2015 18:27:34 GMT

Ahhh the creation and rehearsal process continues. There have been so many changes(still) to the show and to my acts. The last few day have been a bit of a nightmare, actually Saturday was a full out nightmare. I've felt so stressed, frustrated and defeated. My day off yesterday was spent in a state of anxiety and tears. Today was better but still incredibly stressful. I am eventually going to write a big long post about this insanity but today I started reading Ashley Judd's memoir. A book I downloaded months ago but for some reason felt a pull to start reading today while browsing through my Kindle. It's not the best written memoir I've read, it covers a lot of her humanitarian work in poverty stricken parts of the world. She tells stories of the women she's met, women sold to brothels, victims of sex trafficking. Its very hard to read but it was the splash of cold water to the face that I needed to wake me up and help put my worries in prospective. To think beyond my own fears and realize how lucky I am that these are my problems. I'm having a hard time while rehearsing to be a specialty act in a show with one of the most prestigious circus companies out there. First World Fucking Problem.

I'm going to start tomorrow with a clearer head, a more realistic outlook on my current situation and gratitude for the life I am living.

"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." - Benjamin Franklin

the emotional side of things

serrin — Sun, 12 Apr 2015 13:52:43 GMT

I got through another week at Taboo. I've been spending most of my day off being ridiculously lazy, laying in bed reading. Emotionally things have been up and down this week, I've been going from moments of excitement for the work to intense feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Those feelings are the hardest. I've been doing my best integrating myself with the cast and getting to know them but its tough because I am naturally such a shy person in new situations with new people. Unless its with someone I feel an instant connection with it takes time for me to build friendships with others. I'm not one of those immediately charismatic and endearing people who others instantly fall into friendships with, it usually takes awhile for people to appreciate what I offer as a person. Constantly fighting off and pushing back my natural shyness with the cast and crew leaves me feeling emotionally stressed and ill at ease. Its also hard because I have no safety blanket here, no person to hold me after rehearsals and make me feel better. No close friend here to laugh and rehash the craziness of the day with. Just me. Pushing myself through the interactions, through the crippling bouts of insecurity. When these things feel overwhelming I do reach out, in messages, to my love ones and get responses of support and love. It definitely helps but it doesn't truly combat the feeling of being in this alone.

I always have to remind myself how lucky I am to be here and how work and training will keep me fulfilled until I become closer friends with the cast. I have to remind myself it always takes time to build deeper connections and most of my contracts are good examples of that. I try not to think too much about Pirates Voyage where, while I loved the cast and had fun times with them, I didn't develop any truly close friendships there. Instead I think about the cruise contract, how I hated it, was miserable with my roommate and wanted to leave for about the first two months. It wasn't until Molly joined our little group and I became her roommate instead that everything changed. We developed a close friendship and she opened my eyes to how awesome the contract was. After that things were amazing and it became one of my favorite contracts to date. This contract is starting off much better then the cruise contract did, I'm not rooming with someone I dislike, I'm much more fulfilled in my work, and even though I'm constantly battling insecurity I'm much more confident than I was when I first started on the ship. I just have to keep my head up, focus on rehearsals and training, and not let my insecurities and shyness overwhelm me. As past contracts have shown me things will likely get better on the social end, it will just take time.

oh the life I lead

serrin — Sat, 28 Mar 2015 18:13:09 GMT

I had a big ol post written up and then the internet I was on crapped out and I lost all but the first three sentences. Since time is short all I can say right now is that I live a crazy life sometimes and it leaves me excited, scared and very grateful. Interesting things are happening and I can't wait to tell write all about it soon :)

a reminder to myself..

serrin — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 07:21:09 GMT

You are not going to impress the world. Not everyone is going to love you or even like you. You can only be who you are and focus on what's important.

a sad day

serrin — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 06:48:29 GMT

It is scary when one in same profession dies doing what they love. It makes you feel incredibly vulnerable, especially when the show you are currently doing contains a lot more dangerous possibilities than you are used to. It reminds you that you are mortal and the profession you have chosen, while fulfilling in ways you can not begin to express, is dangerous. It was hard to handle the news about Sarah Guyard-Guillot, it was especially heartbreaking considering the family she left behind. My heart also broke for the cast that must now deal with such a terrible loss. I tried to put into words how tragic this loss is but nothing I've said sums it up like the words of Bill Forchion...

"When one of us falls we all suffer. Although I did not know Sarah it still pains me to know she gave her last performance to please the audience. It could have been any one of us at any time. It does not ease the sorrow because she died doing what she loved. May we all perform like this may be our last. May Sarah's spirit guide each of our performances to be fantastic. For everyone at CDS and everyone at KA my heart goes out to you. Take to the stage with love and passion and purpose another angel watches over us."

the countdown

serrin — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 10:59:14 GMT

We have something crazy like 25 days left until this contract is over. 25 more days and I get to leave Korea and return to the US, that magical place where they have things like avocados and soft beds. I am so excited. I'll get to see Jon, my sister, my mom and dad, my kitties. I'll get to see my nephew who could barely focus his eyes when I left and is now rolling over by himself and laughing. I can't wait. I've missed them so much I can't even begin to describe it. I think these last days are going to be the hardest because the end is in sight and we all want to go home so badly.

I've definitely had a blast on this contract. Yes, there have been the usual up and downs but overall its been a good experience and living in Korea has been fun. This is not like Maui however, I'm not going to be heartbroken about leaving Yeosu. What will be the hardest part will be leaving the awesome cast. There are definitely some people I will be happy to say goodbye to but there are also a lot of people it will be really hard to part with. Even though I know it is not a real goodbye but a circus goodbye it will still be hard. The real goodbyes will be for the people I met at the Expo who I will probably never see again, the people from the international pavilions, the Korean crew at Samsung. The circus goodbyes are for the cast. The circus goodbye is saying goodbye knowing, because the circus world is so small, you will see each other again. It might be when you both happen to be training in Montreal at the same time or in a year when you are in another show together but you know you will meet up again. It makes saying goodbye to the people you have come to love a lot easier.

overloaded

serrin — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 01:35:16 GMT

I had a meltdown today during training. My inability to hold a handstand is what set it off. I'm trying to become a handbalancer, I'm auditioning to get into an elite school and I can't even hold a handstand. It was too much. The feeling of failing, the overwhelming sense that I can't do this took me down. I couldn't get past it, I couldn't hold back the tears. I would have left defeated if it wasn't for Bill. He pulled me back from the edge. He did his Guru Bill thing and talked me through it. I love all my coaches but Bill holds a special place in my heart. He was the first coach I worked with years ago when I took my first circus lesson. With him I share a connection and bond I don't share with the other coaches. He mentioned our first meeting when he was talking to me today. He told me he was impressed with me then, with my raw talent. He knew then that I could make something of myself. It really meant a lot to me to hear that, to know that someone I respect believes in me even if I am failing to believe in myself right now. He also helped me put the ENC audition in a better perspective. He reminded me that I am enough and that being human for your audience and not a handbalancing machine is ok. Because of Bill's talk I was able to continue to work and made some progress on my 2 minute presentation for Friday and my act for ENC, as well as do some conditioning.

I still feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I was able to get through training but I am emotionally rocked. I am hoping after a early nights sleep I will be in a better state of mind tomorrow. I know if I feel like this tomorrow it will only take the smallest mistake or show of weakness to set me off again.

taking chances

serrin — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 03:51:56 GMT

Two days consisting of 9 hours of physical theater is too much. Especially when they scheduled it Thursday in place of classes and Members Only time so you don't get a chance to train. For a group of physically motivated circus people, spending six hours one day doing a physically minimal but emotionally draining discipline is slightly torturous. I feel like there was stuff to be learned and I gained something from the time working with Jesse Dryden. Such as how to use memories for artistic fuel, the power of breath, turning emotions into movement, and using nature to create visual images. But the scheduling was wrong. It left a lot of us feeling frustrated. Today was better because we only did 3 hours and then had some Members Only time and tumbling class.

The physical theater workshop definitely brought out a lot emotions in us. This is a time when we are feeling stressed about our majors and minors and questioning where we are going after protrack. Tapping into some of these emotions and having our stresses brought to the surface was intense and made a lot of us feel vulnerable. But the underlying feeling of love we have for our group helped us and that was brought out too. For 18 different people we are incredibly close and connected. The final exercise of the class we had to make a circle and one by one step into it and those forming the circle would say what we thought that persons greatest strength was. There was an outpouring of words for each person and we believed each word we said. The love we have for each other is strong.

Despite the emotions dealt with during the PT classes tumbling class afterward went really well for me. I had the good tumbling energy going on today. The kind of energy that is pulsing through my muscles giving them power and push, radiating out through my hands and feet. My front tumbling felt good, my back handsprings in a row had power and rhythm, and my roundoff back handspring back tucks were strong. I pushed myself hard and pushed through the bouts of fear that came up. It felt good.

I received my email confirmation from ENC so in February I'll be heading up to Montreal to audition. Besides myself, Rackim is the only other protracker who will be auditioning. For a long time I wasn't sure I was going to audition. I wasn't sure if I wanted to even go to ENC. I debated sending my registration until the last possible minute but eventually pushed aside my doubts, said fuck it and sent it in. I need to get up there and see how the Montreal circus vibe is. I need to take this chance. Do I think I'll get in? No. Most of the people they accept into the program are 18. 28 is a far cry from a kid fresh out of high school. Do I want to get in? Yes. It took a little soul searching to figure this out but I discovered that yes I want to get in, very much so actually. I want to be the best handbalancer I can possibly be. I want to pursue my performing dreams. Working with Danny showed me its going to take some intense training to make that happen. ENC is the place to make these goals a reality. Am I up for 3 more years of intense training? Fuck yes. I will do whatever it takes to become the level of circus artist I want to be. If that means buckling down for three years of physically and emotionally demanding training then that's what I'll do. I'm not unrealistic about my chances of getting into the program but I can't help wanting this. The only thing I can do is try. If I don't even make it past the first stage so be it but I can tell you this, Rackim and I are going to rock it out in Montreal next month.

assessment #2

serrin — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 02:06:48 GMT

I was feeling a little under the weather today but had a decent day of classes regardless. We did a reassessment today of the physical assessment we did on day one. Today we reassessed pullups, wallsits, handstands against the wall, L hold hanging from trap, V hold hanging from trap. For pullups I went from being able to do 5 to being able to do 6, whoo. I need to work on these. Wallsits, day one I held it for 3mins 30 secs, today I did.. 3mins 30secs. At least I am consistent. My handstand against the wall on day one was 2mins 35secs, today 3mins 10secs. It was the longest hold of the class but I was hoping I'd be able to hold it longer, I feel at this point I should be able to hold a 5min handstand against the wall. My L-hold on trap on day one was 30secs today 1 minute. My V hold on trap on day one was 30 secs and today 40secs. So there is some gain on a few things which means I am getting stronger. That is nice but at I'm a not happy with the improvements. I'd like to see more of a difference, especially in the pullups and handstand. It just means I need to train harder. Most of the class saw notable gains on quite a few things, such as Vanessa who wasn't able to a single pullup day one and today she did 4 and a quarter.

I worked handbalancing today with Serenity during my major and with Aimee during a private lesson. During both practices I noticed some slight improvements in my handbalancing. Most notably in my press up from straddle hold and L-sit. I think this is due in large part to the handstand work I did with Danny last week. The improvements, no matter how slight they were, made me feel good. I'm trying not to allow myself to feel too good about them however in case it is just a fluke. Or if the fact that I won't be working with Danny again means I won't continue this improvement. I just need to stay focused and keep working hard towards my goals. I also need to try to remember the things Danny told me, and how focused and driven I was with him, and try to apply that to my training.

On a lighter handbalancing note I've recently started working mexicans, a new handstand for me. Its killer on my shoulders but it also how another odder side effect. I tend to get frustrated with certain skills and will curse them as I am training. I found out today that doesn't quite work with this new skill when during Members Only it came out as "F*&%king mexicans."

In cat related news, today Yue decided it would be cool to walk across my keyboard and opened up 13 tabs of Firefox Support Homepage. I have to take her to the vet tomorrow because she seems to be having trouble urinating. Her energy and appetite is fine so I am hoping its just a kitten parasite and nothing serious.

pretty successful shows

serrin — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:29:25 GMT

The Bohemian Bacchanalia shows went really well. Thursday's show had a good sized crowd and Friday's show was sold out which was great. I performed my new handbalancing act both nights and duo lyra with Amanda Friday. I've been drilling my handbalancing act something fierce and the last few run throughs leading up to the shows were great, really solid and strong. I made an annoying mistake however in both shows, Thursday I wasn't able to really hit my arch over handstand and Friday I wasn't able to hit my one arm croc and messed up the front walkover out of it. After feeling so strong and confident during rehearsals it was incredibly disheartening to make mistakes like that.

On the upside I was able to conquer my nerves which is a huge deal for me. I'm am normally a nervous shaky wreck before my handbalancing acts and that can be the death of balancing act where you need to be stable, calm and in control. Something Bill said Thursday really helped with that, I told him I'm fine during my run throughs then I get in front of an audience and it all goes to hell. He replied with "Its just another runthrough." He said a few other things that will help deal performance nerves but it was that simple statement that really helped me put my nerves in their place for these shows. Also feeling well rehearsed and connected to my act gave me confidence and allowed me to be able to approach it as "just another run through". Despite the mistakes being able to get control of my nerves felt like a huge leap forward for me.

The duo lyra act with Amanda went really well. We only started working together recently but with our similar sizes and strength things came together pretty quick. We received a lot of compliments on the act and the audience seemed to really enjoy it. A lot of people said it was mesmerizing. Its funny how, yet again, people seemed to enjoy and be more impressed with the lyra act as opposed to the handbalancing act though the handbalancing act is 100 times harder. I'm glad people enjoyed it though and I love working with Amanda. We are going to take some duo lyra privates so we can add some dynamic moves to our act.

Overall the shows were a great experience and it was fun to rock out with ENSMB and my BCG peeps.

new pressures

serrin — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 01:44:03 GMT

An intense day back to school. After warming up on our own, which is a new development in the protrack schedule, we did some serious partner stretching with Deena. Following that we plunged into work on our majors, mine being handbalancing. We are now no longer doing group lessons and instead are starting to focus on our acts for the final show.

My coach for my major is Serenity. I had thought I would have either Aimee or Bill as my coach so getting Serenity was a unexpected but not unwelcome surprise. I'll still get my private handbalancing lessons with Aimee and Bill so I'll also get a chance to work with them. Serenity talked with me about my thoughts and goals for my final act. I am pretty set on where I want to go with my act so I told her about what I am thinking conceptually, what costume I was planning, what music I am going to use, what kind of movement quality I wanted to achieve in my act. We also talked specifics, like what kinds of canes I wanted to use and what skills I wanted to have in the act. She affirmed what I already knew but have been hesitant about voicing, even to myself, that I need a one arm handstand. She said if I want to take my handbalancing to the next level and enter the sphere of a true handbalancing act I need a one arm and press from a straddle or pike hold. These are skills I've had my sights on and have been working on but now they leave the realm of want and enter the realm of need and the pressure is on. I am determined but scared. Scared I'm not capable of getting these skills, scared I'm not capable reaching the level of handbalancing I am aspiring to. I am going to try my hardest but that fear is there, mixing with my hope and determination, giving my motivation a slight edge of desperation.

These new pressures coupled with poor run throughs of my act for Thursday and an intense gyro session with Deena has me feeling very emotional. Reading about Suzanne Farrell's experience in Mozartiana left me in tears. Its not a bad thing, this level of emotionality, there is a lot I feel I can tap into for artistic inspiration. Right now, however, the only thing I want to tap into is a good nights sleep. Tomorrow I am going to train hard and my run throughs of the new act will be much better.

great week of training

serrin — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:51:16 GMT

Last week I put in a really good week of training that included a lot of handbalancing. Because of the two gigs I had the previous week(the walkaround gig from Serenity and the Royale gig with Amanda) I didn't have to go down to Worcester to work last weekend which meant I got to train on Monday, something I haven't been able to do before. Monday is a great day to train because there is Members Only time during the day and Open Studio at night. That allowed me to get a full day of training in which I used to get in two hours of handbalancing at Member's Only, an hour of cardio and abs at the gym, and conditioning at Open Studio that night. Its also good to start training a day earlier so I was already in the good focused mindset when regular protrack classes began Tuesday and it made it so I could get in a full five days of training.

Tuesday we continued rehearsal for the Flying Nut. Our acro act starting coming together and began feeling like an actual act. We cleaned up transitions and added an ending. At the end of class all the acts did a presentation to show what we have so far. The trapeze act(which represents air) by far looks like the most difficult act for the performers. The four girls use a metal version of a triple trapeze, with another bar over the lower bar, and use all sorts of upper body strength to get through the hard choreography. The four who do the rope act, that represents earth, are embodying insects crawling up vines. The act has a good feel to it but seems to go on a little too long. The hoop diving act(which is water) isn't choreographed so they just showed us the skills they'll be doing in the act and I continue to be bummed out that I'm wasn't in hoop diving. They had some great skills and I definitely think it will be the most exciting act in the show. Our act went well and looked the most like a full act but I think that will change as the other acts come together a little bit more.

Tuesday I also had a handbalancing private with Bill and a german wheel private with Elsie. The handbalancing lesson kicked my ass which was awesome and the german wheel private was a lot of fun, not something that I am planning on focusing on but fun to try out. Wednesday was more handbalancing, starting on my act for Jan 6th and a trip to the gym. Thursday was more Flying Nut rehearsal during class and finishing on my overdue homework. Friday was yet more rehearsal, physical theater, handbalaning and tumbling. Friday night I went down to Jon's, Sat I worked an ok double and Sunday I called out of work to spend time with Jon. Now I am getting ready to head back to Brattleboro. Despite being able to be with Jon three days with no training leaves me feeling very depressed, I can't wait to get back.

Some other highlights
- Kelsey calling Deena out on her lack of encouragement and enthusiasm about our act
- Yue stealing a whole piece of quesidilla from my plate
- choreographing an act to The Pixies
- wall flips and my old school acro version of tinsicas at tumbling
- bitch sessions about our least favorite instructor
- watching Inception
- a pretty new platform to go with my beautiful canes

back to Brattleboro

serrin — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 22:35:37 GMT

This week back to Brattleboro and NECCA has been kind of intense after a rather crazy week long Thanksgiving break.

My Thanksgiving week consisted of
- lots of baby mama drama
- getting my tires slashed
- being on the outs with Jon
- being able to eventually work through it
- reevaluating how I am approaching this relationship
- doing the worst I've ever done at work two days in a row
- regretting how my relationship with Pat ended and missing the good stuff between us
- spending a noisy but nice Thanksgiving at Aunt Cynthia's with my mom and dad
- playing poker after dinner
- having fun with my little cousins until I got yelled at like I was 8
- massage and hot tub soak at Inman Oasis followed by a great dinner at Fusion taste
- dressing room sex
- working out at a nice gym
- missing regular training

It has been intense getting back to regular training this week. Even though I trained some on my week off it wasn't enough. I now know a week off from full time training isn't good for me, mentally or physically. It was great to spend a prolonged amount of time with Jon(despite the drama) but it didn't help with the progress I am making with my training. It gets me out of the game and the focused mindset I've developed. A couple of days off is ok but anything more then that isn't good.

Despite the intensity its been really great to get back to NECCA. This week consisted of
- a very intense and disheartening hour long handbalancing private with Aimee my first day back
- a gyro session in which I did some serious ab exercises and got closer to Deena
- more work on our acro act for the Flying Nut, some with Daemon from Piloblus
- lots of duo lyra practice with Amanda
- beautiful new canes
- Jon coming to Bratt for visit which included cane adjustments, a nice dinner and great sex
- beginning to trust that my boyfriend loves me
- lots of laughter with Amanda
- a well paying walkaround contortion gig at the Westin in Boston that I got through Serenity
- Amanda's first paid gig doing duo lyra with me at Royale :)
- crazy but awesome Bollywood style dancing
- hanging out with both Chuck and Mooch at the Royale gig
- exhaustion leading to 17 hours of sleep
- checking out the amazing artists at the Cotton Mill open studio

Its good to be back. This next week I'm looking forward to a full schedule of rehearsing, training, conditioning and lots handstands :)

"Your body is talking to you."

serrin — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 21:24:09 GMT

Today was a good day pain wise. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I am healing and am making strides in strengthening the weaknesses in my muscles that are causing me pain and possible injuries. A couple weeks into the protrack program I began experiencing pain in certain areas. It started with my right hamstring then began to include my groin and hip muscles. Last week my left hamstring joined in as well as my left wrist. The wrist was a clear injury due to smashing it on the lyra during a release into a back hip circle but the other pain and reasons for it are more complicated.

What I think my body is telling me is that I haven't been using it correctly for a very long time. Its definitely a partial result of self training. I think I haven't been engaging the right muscles correctly and other muscles have had to compensate in ways they shouldn't have. Deena brought to my attention that perhaps my hamstrings aren't as flexible and strong as they appear. Their perceived flexibility really comes from my loose hip muscles which would explain the pain I've been dealing with in both those areas. It hasn't been an issue before since I haven't been training this intensely but now with full time training my muscle flaws are letting themselves known.

Its been tough to to deal with mentally, the injuries and pain curtailing how I train, but I've been trying to see it as a learning experience that will help my body in the long run. Gyro with Deena has been incredibly helpful. It has brought a lot of things into focus and has really helped me understand my body better. I've also been breaking down the basic way my body engages to do things and am trying to make sure the right muscles engage in the right ways. I haven't been focusing on improving my flexibility but instead working on trying to strengthen my weak muscles. I am not exactly sure if these things are helping but I am hoping the slight improvements today might be proof that I am heading in a good direction.

Coming into protrack I had a definite goal of advancing my skill level, a lot. Now that is all out the window. My new goal is to learn how to use my body the right way. It is essential to my ability to training intensively and my longevity as a performer. I don't care if I come out of the program not being able to do single new skill. If I am able to learn how to use my body correctly I will be as happy as if I put together an elite level circus act.

circus school week 4

serrin — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 22:19:53 GMT

So week 4 at school has come and gone and things continue to progress and get harder. Frustration has been high for quite a few of us but support and love from each other has been just as high. My body continues to get used to the intense training schedule while still letting me know its a lot more then it is used to. Going from training a couple times a week(at most) to a full time training schedule is a big jump and my body isn't letting me forget that just yet. Circus school is very tough but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now. I love what I'm doing, I love my life. Even when thoughts of not being able to reach my goal start to creep in(like they have this week), I can push through it because I so much in my training to focus on and work towards.

This past week we continued learning specific apparatuses in smaller groups. The week before it was fabric, trapeze, partner acro and handstands. This time around it was web/rope, duo trapeze, chinese pole and wire walking. The web was interesting but like fabrics last week I didn't feel much pull towards it. We learned how to use the arm loop and spin with someone controlling the web from below. I preferred manipulating the web for the person flying then being on the web myself. Duo trap was good, it made me want to learn more and get better on the trapeze. Chinese pole and wire walking were by far the best. They were so much fun to learn and made you want to do more, especially pole. It was very tricky to get the mechanics of wire walking and it was tough on my feet but I found it very addicting. Definitely not something I'm going to progress much in nine months but very fun to do.

Tumbling at Woodman's Friday was great. We worked front tucks, pikes and layouts on the tumble track and preps for arabians into the foam pit. Also I did my roundoff back handspring back tuck on the floor by myself for the first time in 12 years. I developed a mental block to back tucks when I was 16 and haven't been able to do one since. I gave up on them and even told myself I would never do another one. Being able to do one again at the age of 28 is all kinds of awesome, it makes me proud and gives me an wonderful sense of hope that at 28 I am stronger and more driven then I ever was at 16.

This weekend I stayed at Jon's and worked Saturday. Sunday I visited Pat and we went to the hot tub then out to eat. Today I slept in, did some chores around Worcester and am now jonsing to get back to Brattleboro. I can't wait to get back to training.

Other highlights from this past week
- Watching youtube videos on my big flatscreen tv, especially circus chronicles and "naked" manipulation video
- surprise showing of Jules and Kelsey's money videos
- grilled cheese and tomato soup with circus friends
- getting told by a few people that I am starting to trim down and tone up
- listening to Jon worry that I might lose my ass

breathe deep

serrin — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 23:08:13 GMT

Today frustration was in the air. There were tears today and I wasn't the only one shedding them. It was an off day for a lot of people. My handstands were a mess. Even Aimee commented "Oh no Morgan what's up with your handstands today?" during my private. My ribs did not want to stay down and in, my body could not seem to grasp how to hold a handstand. After the private the tears of frustration came out. I worked more handbalancing after but didn't make much progress. I was getting upset and had to step away. Luckily Ellen and I were able to condition together which gave me something else to focus on and still feel I did something productive. Conditioning tends to be good for that. Practice tomorrow will be better, a good nights sleep tonight will help. I only hope my cats will get along.

Circus School

serrin — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:28:17 GMT

Well I'm here in Brattleboro, still settling in. I got almost all my stuff moved in last Wednesday but I had to come back that same night to work the next couple of days. Getting sick Thursday delayed when I made it back so I didn't get to my new home until Monday morning. Which turned out to be a good thing since there were some problems with the electric not getting switched on Friday like it was supposed to. Roger, Ellen and I spent Monday night after orientation navigating my apartment by candlelight. Besides not being able to cook anything it wasn't bad, it was actually kind of neat(at least for that one night). Thankfully yesterday I was able to work things out with the electric company and we can now make hot tea. I've been getting things unpacked and the apartment is looking pretty nice. I really like the apartment and my roommate Kelsey. There is also a very nice community vibe going on with a bunch of other NECCA students in the other duplexes, Amanda two houses down and NECCA only a few minutes walk down the road. It is very surreal being here, it feels like I'm living someone else's life. Everything is so different, this new life is such a change it still doesn't feel real yet.

School
Monday was orientation, which was mainly Elsie giving us an overview of the program and what was expected of us. Tuesday was physical assessment and it was pretty intense. I didn't think I did too bad considering I hadn't trained in about three weeks(real busy working and getting stuff ready for the move) and on top of it I was sick. It was a bunch of the average physical conditioning exercises to give the coaches an idea of our strength. I was in the higher end on a few of them and I was kind of pleased by how consistent I was overall. Here's a basic rundown

Pull ups from dead hang - 5
Push ups within a minute - 18
Handstand against wall - 2 min 35 sec
Pike Climb on Silks within a min - got at the most a quarter of the way up
Climb w/ feet on Silks within in a minute - once up and down
Straddle Ups on Silks(switching sides) - 6
V Hold on Trap - 30 sec
L hold on Trap - 30 sec
Wall Sit - 3 min 30 sec
Hollow Hold - 1min 15 sec

I was surprised by the number of pull ups I could do and annoyed by how few push ups I could do. None of the girls could make it up the silks in the pike climb and basically all of the guys could. I think I would have made it up and down the fabric another time on the climb using fett if I wasn't wearing slippery leg warmers and knew how to wrap my foot in the silks. I was using almost all arm strength to make it up. Overall it was good to get an idea of what I was capable of and where I am physically. My(possibly unrealistic)goal is to try to double my times for the next assessment.

Today was members only gym time and I went for an hour and forty minutes where I worked mainly hand balancing on the canes and then did conditioning and 1 minute oversplits. After that I headed over to the gym that protrack students have memberships to use and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. Not the most intense workout but I'm trying to pace myself a little, not overdoing things right off the bat especially considering its only day 2 and we have classes tomorrow and Friday. Its a start though :)

Call for moving help!!

serrin — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 16:57:58 GMT

I know its pretty short notice but I am moving the majority of my stuff to Brattleboro tomorrow at 1pm. I know most people work at that time but if you are free and can help I would be extremely grateful. I would also supply you with cold drinks and some tasty pie from Trader Joes. As of now I only have one other person and myself to move all my furniture and boxes. I know we won't have help once we get to Bratt but if we could have help getting the stuff out of apartment in Arlington into the truck it would help us incredibly.

Balanchine

serrin — Mon, 17 May 2010 00:23:29 GMT

Just got back from Boston Ballet's Ultimate Balanchine. It was an expensive endeavor. The ticket prices were ridiculous and I really wanted a good seat so I splurged and spent more then I should have. It was worth it. The Boston Ballet did a wonderful job with the ballets and Balanchine continues to blow me away.

The first ballet on the program was The Four Temperaments. One of Balancine's more abstract ballets, it portrays the four medieval temperaments. Rather then using theatrics they are conveyed through Balanchine's neoclassical choreography. With its flexed wrists, pelvic thrusts and use of parallel placement the dancing speaks volumes. Not a note of music is wasted. The Third Variation, Phlegmatic was my favorite section. Danced by a male soloist accompanied by four female dancers, its lighter movements and the interweaving limbs and bodies created mesmerizing imagery.

Next up was Apollo, which I was particularly excited to see and I was not disappointed. It was a work of art set to the beautiful music of Stravinsky's Apollon Musagete. The ballet was a wealth simplistic, lyrical beauty and purity of movement. The interlocking choreography and iconic poses brought to life the story of the young god and took my breathe away. The male lead who played Apollo was good but I'm not too impressed with a lot of Boston Ballet's male dancers and he is one of them. The Muses on the other hand were absolutely beautiful, their purity of movement was gorgeous. The choreography, at times serene and at times playful(Apollo and the Muses invoking a chariot and its horses with their dancing springs to mind), delivers. It is poignant and moving from the beginning notes to the beautiful final pose of alternating arabesques.

Theme and Variations was the last ballet on the program. As the curtain rose the audience gave an audible gasp of admiration. Compared to the stark leotards of The Four Temperaments and the simplistic white tunics of Apollo, the gorgeous light blue tutus and sparkling tiaras of this ballet were a beautiful surprise. Theme and Variation is a spectacular display of classical ballet. I've said this before about Balanchine's work and it continues to hold true, pure dance. This ballet was pure crystal clear dancing from start to finish. Set to the heart swelling music of Tchaikovsky, not a note of music was wasted or overlooked but used in beautiful harmony with the dancing. You have to be a good company to dance Balanchine and it is especially true with Theme. Danced by a cast of 26 dancers, it requires superb technique and great musicality. No room for any weak corp de ballet members. They aren't playing peasants waving a flower in the background, they are executing difficult steps and brilliant choreography. The corp and soloists stepped up to the challenge. The two principal dancers, James Whiteside and Misa Kuranaga, did an exceptional job. Their pas de deux was flawless, it was some of the most beautiful partner choreography I've seen and they executed it beautifully. The Kuranaga's developpes and arabesques were sublime. Her solo variations were equally exquisite with her lightning fast movements and exceptional control. She made the fiendishly hard allegro dancing look easy. The finale with all the dancers onstage swept me off me feet. All I could think while watching it was 'Now that's dancing'.

I think Boston Ballet did a good job with selection of the ballets, choosing three works that showcase Balanchine's diversity. The Four Temperaments, with its stark neoclassical look and modern style. Apollo with its simplistic beauty and purity of movement. Theme and Variations, with its sparkling display of classical ballet. Three very different ballets, all brilliant, all choreographed the same incredible man.

There is a lot of differing opinions about Balanchine. I myself think he was a genius and his choreography is phenomenal but that like anything else is up for debate. One thing that can not be denied however is that his ballets are enduring. Apollo premiered in 1928 and is still able to move audiences today. There so many Balanchine ballets like that, ballets able to stand the test of time and continue to enchant audience all over the world.

Zombie nuts!

serrin — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:02:01 GMT

This totally made my night :)

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/terry-border-makes-everyday

2008 Olympics

serrin — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:09:19 GMT

The Olympics are under way. I absolutely love watching the Olympics, especially the summer Olympics. I am strongly against China's human rights violations but I support the incredible athletes that are competing in the games and am not going to let my views on China prevent me from cheering them on. Tonight we went out and bought an TV antenna so we could watch the games since we don't have cable. I am bummed out I missed the opening ceremonies but I caught an incredible swim relay tonight. The Americans muscled ahead of the favored French team at the last second to smash the World Record and earn the gold. It was awesome.

The main reason I love the summer Olympics is because of the gymnastics. The American women's team looks great, with powerhouses Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson leading the team. What I really like about this team is that they all look very healthy. Yes, they are clearly in peak physical condition but they don't look like the over starved pixies we have seen in the past. I am really excited to watch the team final on Tuesday.

The most inspiring thing I have seen so far is the gymnast from Germany, Oksana Chusovitina, and her qualification into the individual vault finals. Why is that so impressive? Because she is 33 years of age. Some people might not realize how incredible that is but this is a sport(on the womens side) where you are considered over the hill at 20. She is an inspiration.

The Dark Knight

serrin — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:20:15 GMT

It is so incredibly sad that Heath Ledger will never again be the Joker. He was brilliant.

Halloween Burlesque Show

serrin — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 22:21:19 GMT

I am performing this Sunday with the Boston Babydolls for our Halloween show. I will be performing two Halloween themed contortion routines and as always there will be a lot of great burlesque numbers by the Babydolls.

If you are in the area come join us for this great Halloween show!