Hold My Hand
A meditation on connection, interdependence, and learning to receive ♥️
“Hold my hand,” invites Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish.
“I want to love you,
the best that,
the best that I can.”
Is it actually that simple? Can the intimate act of holding another’s hand be a way to show our best love?
I have some thoughts about this, take my hand, let’s find out…
“Hold my hand.”
An expression of SECURITY.
This command is one I spoke often to my sons when they were young. The connection that followed—their pudgy hands grasping mine, my large palm creating the perfect nest for these little gifts—spoke volumes. It whispered I will protect you. I will keep you safe. I can still feel the weight of their big blue eyes, punctuated with lashes one could ski off of, looking up at me whispering back, I trust you, Mommy.
Man, even now—ages 28 and 30—I just “want to love them. The best that, the best that I can.”
Of course, there were times when I used that maternal connection to coerce compliance. Pulling their little hands through the store away from the candy aisle. Or the times when I felt the need to pull them from danger or an imaginary boundary they’d just crossed—the tug of fingers on fingers gently bringing them back to safety. More often than not, they didn’t see or feel the danger at all. I felt it for both of us. Those connections usually ended with some tears. Tough love. But the best love I had to give, nonetheless.
As a parent, caregiver, aunt, uncle, do you remember those times when the simple act of inviting a child to hold your hand propelled you to superhero status? Know that the children of our world, even if they’re young adults, would still appreciate on some level (even if it’s a subliminal spark) the holding of your hand. It just might be what they need to remind them you’re still here to protect them—no matter how much they make you believe they can do life on their own.
It might just be what you need to remind you that you’re loving them the best that you can, even when it feels like you’re no longer their superhero.
“Give me your hand.”
An expression of COMPASSION.
This type of hand-holding has the power of extending and receiving. It is a gesture of assistance, guidance, or comfort. It can be the hand up we didn’t even know we needed while so lost in the utter darkness of our journey.
Life is difficult. That is the whole point. Connection during difficult times is paramount to getting through these twists and turns.
Our hands are energetic portals of our body, complexly connected to our brains. Did you know that our hands contain the highest concentrations of nerve endings in the body? Offering to take someone’s hand is a vulnerable and powerful gift. It is sharing your energy with another who might just need a jolt of your soulshine.
So many examples of these offerings come to mind. But there is one that is particularly moving to me, even 28 years later.
I found myself lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of telling machines, frightened out of my mind at the thought I might deliver a baby at 30 weeks. I was alone. My husband was traveling. My older son (just 18 months) was at daycare where I’d left him that morning on my way to work. I was frozen in fear. This, by the way, was life before cell phones. There was no phone in my curtained, I felt alone and terrified.
The door opened and in walked Rev. Ken Powell, the minister from my church. I swear he entered with a white light surrounding him. His mere presence brought a sense of calm. He explained he was visiting another member of our church and on his way out decided to check the roster to see if there was anyone else he should visit—and he saw my name.
I started to cry uncontrollably as I tried to explain what the doctor (who had absolutely no bedside manner) had shared with me. Basically, the amniocentesis showed the baby’s lungs weren’t developed, and if they couldn’t stop my contractions, I would be sent via ambulance to Boston where they were better equipped to handle this “type of situation.” I was sitting with the heaviness of this information when Rev. Powell entered the room.
I finished my story, tears streaming down my face, needing to blow my nose, I’m sure. He looked down at me with those kind eyes of his (anyone who knew this man can feel exactly what I’m talking about) and he said, “Give me your hands, let’s pray together.” At that moment, listening to his peaceful voice sending prayers out to the Universe, I knew my baby would be okay. How could he not be—clearly there were angels flapping all around this baby. I felt the energy of them holding my hands.
Our parasympathetic nervous system—that part of our nervous system that announces to our body “all is right with the world”—is stimulated with touch. This is a biochemical fact. When stressed, the simple act of touch from another reduces the level of the stress hormone, cortisol. When cortisol levels are high due to stress, our skin actually gets more sensitive. During this heightened sensitivity, when someone asks us to give them our hand as a gesture of comfort, BAM!💥 That connection sends the “ALL CLEAR” message through our nerves to our brain, which invites our cortisol levels to lower.
Lower cortisol benefits our heart, our circulatory system, and our brain because blood flow returns to these organs as it retreats from our extremities (where it goes when we’re in that fight-or-flight pattern of stress). You see, holding hands is actually healthy at times of uncertainty and stress.
“Let’s shake on it.”
An expression of TRUST.
Often in American culture, we’re invited to seal the deal with a gripping of another’s hand. This is the business element of the hand-holding connection. We call this a handshake. In some circles (think childhood deals), this gesture is as powerful as signing a contract. The mere gesture elicits an element of trust.
Doesn’t that just make sense? The energy of one human being connecting, honoring, the energy of another. When we offer our hand in greeting another, we acknowledge the person before us and show some confidence in them, and receive the same. This is why handshakes (and how they’re done) play such a vital part in business meetings—we want to feel that we can trust the other people in the room. Beginning and ending a meeting with a simple handshake is that unwritten contract that honor and trust are part of the conversation.
“Let’s join hands.”
An expression of SOLIDARITY.
An act of togetherness. These days we’re all fired up about how we can join forces to make our voices heard. Joining hands is mighty. It is a statement of solidarity, which incites a feeling of belonging to something, standing for something—and knowing you are not in it alone.
From a palmistry perspective, the palm represents a miniature version of the self, each point reflecting back to a part of your body. By holding hands, you are effectively joining the microcosm of your world with the microcosm of another. A grand gesture in the expression of togetherness.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the awkward Thanksgiving table at my house every year when I ask everyone to join hands to say a prayer of thanksgiving. Even among family members—some close, some only seen annually—it is a vulnerable act. However, I don’t believe it’s one that any of us regrets taking part in, even if it’s forcefully executed.
The Weight of Extended Hands: When We Only Give
Most of this post was written years ago and I realize it needed some updating. I’ve come to realize in my life and in my work as a coach that some of us are spectacular at extending our hands.
We are the first to reach out when someone needs help. We hold hands through crises, celebrations, transitions. We steady others, guide them, comfort them. We extend, extend, extend.
But we are terrible—and I mean terrible—at letting others hold ours.
Years ago, I was in New Zealand (a long, beautiful story I’ll save for later), and a woman introduced me to an exercise that psychologists and educators use to illustrate how carrying worries for too long becomes overwhelming. She asked the group: “How heavy is a glass of water?”
We all shrugged. Not very heavy.
Then she invited us to pick up our glasses and hold them out in front of us while she continued talking about the need to let go. After a minute, my arm started to ache. After two minutes, it trembled. After three, the glass felt impossibly heavy—not because the water had changed, but because I’d been holding it too long.
I invite you to try this right now. Go get a glass of water. Pick it up. Hold it out in front of you while you finish reading this section. Notice what happens to your arm, your shoulder, your focus. Notice how something so light becomes unbearable when you refuse to put it down.
This is what happens when we only extend our hands and never receive. When we give, give, give without allowing the reciprocal flow of energy that comes from receiving. We end up exhausted, resentful, our arms shaking from the weight of our own generosity. And here’s the thing—we do it to ourselves.
Ha! You’re welcome. I too needed a subliminal slap to realize this.
We tell ourselves we’re being helpful. Strong. Capable. We convince ourselves that needing help is weakness, that receiving is selfish, that we should be able to carry everything ourselves. Our culture nurtures this backwards thinking.
But really, truly and beautifully, interdependence—that stunning dance of giving and receiving—requires both hands. One extended, one accepting. Energy flowing both ways.
James Coan’s hand-holding studies on pain reduction and stress shows that when we hold hands with someone during stress or pain, our nervous systems actually regulate together. The person extending comfort benefits almost as much as the person receiving it. But only if both people are present to the exchange. Only if one person isn’t white-knuckling their way through connection, refusing to let their own needs be met.
The weight of extended hands—of always giving, never receiving—becomes unbearable. It’s exhausting. It breeds resentment. And it denies others the gift of being needed, of being useful, of extending their hands to us.
You can put that glass of water down now. Feel the relief? That’s what receiving feels like.
“I want to hold your hand.”
An expression of LOVE, ADMIRATION.
Awe. The mother of all hand-holding. The one that combines all of the others. The silent gesture of taking another’s hand sings, “I want to connect with you.” “I am honored to be with you.” “You make me happy.”
I have always been envious of couples strolling by me holding hands. This intimate gesture seems so casual, yet it’s also one of the most intimate physical displays of affection. The way one hand envelopes another is both innocent and sweet. Yes, it is a form of affection, maybe even romance or love, but at its core it is vulnerable—you are exposing your admiration for another.
An interesting biochemical fact: when holding hands in a romantic way, it releases oxytocin, a hormone that strengthens long-term relationships and increases the amount of affection in a couple. We’ve already talked about hands being portals of our energy and the power that touch has during times of stress. When courting (I’m going to use that expression because “dating” seems to connote something different nowadays), hand-holding as a couple allows another to slowly enter our personal space, which is a form of intimacy that isn’t practiced enough.
Maybe it’s not practiced in our iWorld because of fear that this vulnerable act will be rejected. Truly, who would not accept a hand that has been extended? I don’t think any of you reading this would deny a hand held out to you. I know I wouldn’t.
It doesn’t have to be romantic, and it certainly doesn’t always mean something. But to take the energetic portal of another human being... it is both pleasing and wonderfully powerful.
Learning to Receive
I spent most of my life with my hand extended. Always offering, always helping, always there for others. And when my own hand was empty? I just extended harder, gave more, proved my worth through service.
After Christmas this year, I got sick. What started as a cold settled deep in my lungs and wouldn’t let go. I have asthma, and the coughing was relentless, my voice raspy (not like Demi Moore—more of an old hag kind of rasp). I’d allowed myself to believe this was just... normal. My normal.
A friend who’s a functional medicine coach extended his hand. He invited me to invest in myself, to join their monthly membership with access to hyperbaric oxygen chambers, infrared saunas, PEMF therapy, red light therapy, and cold plunge—all designed to support my lungs in a way that another round of Prednisone wouldn’t.
I took his outstretched hand. I received the offer.
More importantly, I chose to receive it in my own bones. I chose to invest in myself—a significant investment in time, energy, and money. And I know I am worth it.
This is the reciprocal energy only available when we both give and receive. When we let our hands rest alongside extending them. When we trust that we are worthy of the same care we so freely offer others.
Your Turn
I dare you. Reach out to someone each and every day with the extension of your hand.
Do it as an act of security for another.
Do it as an act of guidance or comfort to your loved ones.
Do it as an act of trust and honor to your fellow humans.
Do it as an act of solidarity to stand for something you believe in.
Do it as an act of love and kindness to anyone and everyone.
And then—this is the hard part—let someone hold yours.
If nothing else, do it merely to make a connection with a fellow human being. Hootie is spot on here:
“With a little peace and some harmony
we will take the world together,
we’ll take ‘em by the hand.”
Now, I really want to hear from you. Take my ✋, tell me about a time you accepted an extended hand—or struggled to let someone help you. What made it hard? What made it possible? Drop your story in the comments. Let’s hold hands together here. 💙
p.s. The artwork of Hands displayed in this post are the genius of Hanna Washburn. You can find more of her work at her website www.hannawashburn.com or on Instagram @hanna.washburn. Check her out!
p.s.s. If you want to access the playlist that inspired this post, follow me on Spotify – just search graceisgenius and click on follow. There you can access the “Hold My Hand” playlist.
KATHY WASHBURN
SELF-LEADERSHIP COACH • SPEAKER • PODCASTER
Website: www.kathywashburn.net