They were strapping lads. Strapping lads sometime experiment.

scottyquick @ 2010-07-30T15:25:00

2010-07-30T20:25:42Z

So I might be moving to a town that's an even smaller shithole then this one.
Fudge. Will be spending the weekend getting drunk.

scottyquick @ 2010-07-19T00:44:00

2010-07-19T05:44:31Z

Just got asked if I was from Quebec by a Québécois. Bucket list now has one less thing on it.

scottyquick @ 2010-04-14T07:45:00

2010-04-14T12:46:03Z

I really shouldn't be online this week, it's such a time suck.

But I really want a diesel jacket because Victor has one, and it looks awesome. Therefore, I would look awesome!

Talk to ya soon,
Scotty.

scottyquick @ 2010-02-25T18:38:00

2010-02-26T00:38:50Z

Favorite Buffy moment or episode from Season 1-4?

For me, my favorite moment was the award scene in "The Prom", I shed a manly tear or two. The sword fight scene in "Becoming Part Two" had me "FUCK YEAH"-ing. I'm a sucker for those moments, I'm sure there's a TV trope word for them, but you know scenes like this?

Angelus: That's everything. No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?
Angelus swings down the sword. Buffy catches it WITH BARE HANDS.

Buffy: Me.

Willow's speech to Faith is my favorite Willow moment.

How about you, flist?

scottyquick @ 2010-02-12T23:49:00

2010-02-13T05:49:22Z

1) You know you have a petty small-town rivalry when you can't go to your neighbouring town without having chunks of ice repeatedly thrown at your head from cars driving by.

2) I made a friend! He's awesome. He's an Austrian exchange student, and in addition to speaking near-flawless English, he knows some Latin, he can juggle, do mad card tricks, and he's going into a squash tournament this weekend, when he has never played squash before in his life. I mean, he's great at tennis, but still. Never in his life. He's really shy, though, so I've decided I'm going to hook him up with one of my friends because he deserves a girlfriend who doesn't suck and my friend deserves a boyfriend who isn't an unlikable douchebag. Harry Potter movie marathon will be happening, oh yes, but does anyone know any new good German movies? Anyone? Seriously, I think it would be great to be able to watch a movie in German with him. Subtitles ftw!

3) I have read books! Some were good!

Kissing Kate was great. It was smart and subtle, and all the side characters were nicely developed. They all clearly had lives outside of the main character, but what was really important was how they affected Lissa, who kissed her sorta-drunk best friend Kate, and OMG BOTH OF THEM LOVED IT WHAT. And so Kate does the reasonable thing and acknowledges this is something clearly to be ignored and that she should fuck guys because she is a girl and that is not how she rolls, but Lissa, the narrator, doesn't know where to go from the kiss onwards. SO GOOD. Not recommended for people who hate well-developed, smart, hard-working teens trying to figure out what to do.

Rainbow Road was really, really bad. It was painfully dreary writing, nothing ever really popped, and whereas before this sort of worked in Rainbow High, where it was all skyscrapers and school gyms, here, where they go to the Grand Canyon and travelling the country, it becomes boring and doesn't ever really paint a picture into your mind. It's the story of three gay guys (except lol wait apparently Jason is bi?), and one of them came out and lost a scholarship and now he's giving a speech at a LGBT high school, and all they meet is queer people on their road trip through, and unlike the other two, this one was mostly about Nelson, who is just every camp cliché and makes you want to drive nails into his neck. You know what the ending is before you've cracked chapter one, and it's not really worth seeing how they get there.

Fallen Angel is a comic book, and maybe the kind you should call a "graphic novel", because the kind of people who'd like it would probably call it that. It's built on a completely interesting idea, which I'm going to spoil right here, so don't keep reading if you don't want the interesting idea to be spoiled: God wants to die, humanity was supposed to be his crowning glory, but he can't, because humans keep praying to him for things. So he sends tragedy and pain to Earth so that people will quit believing, but they keep having faith, forcing him to keep existing. The painted artwork is incredible, and the story's a slow burner, very decompressed, lots of setup early on, but Liandra is totally interesting, she's an angel who was kicked out of heaven. The whole series is full of neat ideas that I don't want to spoil, because the ideas are actually the best part, which is almost never true.

scottyquick @ 2010-02-09T21:16:00

2010-02-10T03:16:06Z

It occurs to me that I am a very rude person online.

scottyquick @ 2010-02-06T18:33:00

2010-02-07T00:33:12Z

Series: What if Kendra Had Lived?

Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Genre: Gen

Spoilers: Up to 2x22 of Buffy.

Warnings: Violence, profanity

A/N: I haven’t started violating canon yet, but I will be soon.

When Kendra ran into the library, she knew, in her mind, what had happened. She just couldn’t believe it in her heart. Watching friends die was nothing new for her, but if you had asked Kendra why Xander was trying to throw over the bookshelves Kendra, or who Willow was cradling, she would have told you “My sister”.

Kendra tried to imitate Buffy’s empathy as she put her hand on Willow’s shoulder.

“What happened, Willow?”

Willow looked up and tried to stop crying. It took her a few seconds, but eventually she calmed down.

“Well, Buffy was standing by the doorway, cause she thought that’d be where the vampires would come in. But-but then a few of them broke through the window and interrupted the spell. Buffy told us all to run, but only Cordelia could get away. Two of them were coming for me, but then Buffy did that slayer thing. Then the crazy one - Spike’s girlfriend – did some curse or something to Buffy, and knocked me out, and when I woke up, I saw … “

Willow didn’t finish her sentence; she only moved Buffy’s hair back to show a deep cut on her throat. She started to cry again. When Xander looked over and saw Buffy’s bloodstained neck, he punched the glass window, bruising his knuckles.

“God DAMN IT” he screamed. “It’s not FAIR. We lose our classmates and friends every fucking day of our stupid fucking lives, now we’ve probably lost Giles, why did we have to lose the Buffster too?”

At the mention of Buffy’s watcher, Kendra snapped back to reality.

“What did they do with Mr. Giles?” She asked Xander, watching as the rage in his face turned to tears.

“I know this must be h-“

“How could you possibly know? You’re just some unfeeling, uncaring, monster slayer. Did you ever have a friend? A family? How could you know what it’s like to lose the person you love?”

Kendra fought back against every fibre of her being, the bits of her so long suppressed by the Council that she had forgotten they had existed, and managed to remain calm.

“It is none of your concern. If you do not tell me where they’ve taken Mr. Giles, I will-“

“She took him.”

Willow had interrupted Kendra’s threat with a whisper, and she didn’t look at either of her living friends, only into Buffy’s face.

“The one who killed Buffy. No one else could have taken Giles. They must be back at the graveyard. I don’t know why they took him, but that’s where they always meet.”

Willow stopped stroking Buffy’s hair for a moment, and looked into Kendra’s soul, showing just how broken her heart was.

“Go.”

***

Stepping back into the graveyard, Kendra walked over to where she had dropped her sword. It was still lying there, although the remains of Angelus had blown away. She picked it up and wiped the dust off on the edges of her shirt. A vampire stepped in front of her, attempting to spook her, but one quick glance at her face sent him running.

Walking down the steps into the crypt, she was ambushed by a pair of vampires. One of them jumped her front the front, trying to wrestle her sword from her hand, while the other tried to strangle her. She effortlessly sliced a whole in the chest in the one front, sending him tumbling down the stairs, and flipped the other one onto him. Grabbing the stake she’d taken from Buffy’s hands, she stabbed them both, detachedly, in the heart.

When she reached the bottom, she saw Buffy’s murderer talking to her wheelchair-bound lover. They were quietly squabbling over something petty, and the man was pointing agitatedly towards an enormous crypt in the background. Giles was sitting in the background, tied to a chair. He should have been conscious, as there was no possibility they could get whatever they wanted from him if he was knocked out, but the marks on his shoulder and the way he was holding his head indicated otherwise. The brunette dawdled around both of them, occasionally scratching the blonde’s face, as though she hadn’t a care in the world.

Seeing her like this, daring to exist, filled Kendra with a hatred she had never even imagined. It was fiery and hot and impulsive, and made her run up towards the three of them.

The woman smiled at Kendra, her vampire face taking over. She stepped protectively in front of her lover, and clawed Kendra’s face as she came closer, drawing blood. Kendra stumbled back, her hand rubbing the mess from her face, and the brunette came closer again, pulling the back of her ponytail and scratching the other side of her face. The Slayer tried to kick her off, but she was tired from the earlier violence in the evening. The vampire pushed Kendra down, turned around, and walked off with her lover, her fingers touching his handlebars while he wheeled.

Frustrated, losing blood and exhausted, Kendra threw Mr. Pointy at her. As it sailed through the air the female stepped sideways to avoid a loose rock, letting the stake go through the wheelchair. It pierced the blonde in his heart, killing him. Realizing he had only a few seconds left, he turned to his lover.

“G’bye, Drusilla. ” He whispered, turning to dust with a peaceful smile on his face.

The woman looked faintly shocked for a second, before continuing her walk. She stepped a few more paces before her world shattered. Screaming bloody murder, she turned and ran towards Kendra with the look of someone who’d never walked before, her feet cutting on the rocks underneath.

She tried to slap Kendra, but Kendra was too quick for her. Catching her arm, she spun it around and slammed her into the ground. Drusilla tried leaping up, but her body was too frail to do much. Kendra fought with every last inch of will to keep her down, knocking her head into the ground until she was in pain.

“Do you feel that? Do you see what that’s like? It hurts, doesn’t it? But you’re alive. You can feel pain, and I will show you that.”

Stepping off of her for a second, Kendra turned to unsheathe her sword, glad that she was going to be able to bring the thing that had killed Buffy to justice. Eagerly, she turned back to the monster, only to find her gone. Kendra looked into the distance and saw nothing, heard nothing. She swung around, sword lifted, ready to kill anything that was in front of her. Nothing was underground with her.

She began to walk back the way she came when she could faintly hear the sounds of someone speaking.

“You killed my duckie.” it said. “So I’ll find yours, the thing you love the most, and kill it too.”

With a smile of black humour on her face, Kendra walked out of the crypt and into the fading darkness, watching the sunrise.

You already have, she thought.

***

I can’t believe I just killed Spike. I feel like God. An evil God who kills those who he loves the most. Enjoy hell, Spangelus!

I’m wondering – do I do Kendra’s voice right? I didn’t want to do the accent because it’s a pet peeve of mine in fiction, when writers right de characters speeking like dere accent, but does her dialogue sound right?

Also, I think I'm formatting it wrong.

scottyquick @ 2010-02-04T16:09:00

2010-02-04T22:09:10Z

Anyone know some novels of literary merit that have lesbian subtext in them?

I've gotta write an essay on something.

scottyquick @ 2010-01-27T21:58:00

2010-01-28T03:58:50Z

Title: Not Today
Fandom: Buffy
Word count: 1497
Warnings for violence, threats of sexual violence

What if Kendra and Buffy had traded places?

“No.”

Kendra’s words carried an air of finality over them as she shut down Buffy’s idea. The Chosen One had asked Kendra to stay behind and protect her friends while she went off to kill Angel, the vampire who was about to bring the literal Hell to Earth. Giles, Xander and Willow stared at her, but Buffy was unimpressed.

“Kendra, I don’t have tim-”

“You love him, don’t you?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve-”

“You love him, Buffy. It hurts to lose those you love. It hurts even more to be the one to kill them. Let me go instead.”

Buffy stared at Kendra for a minute, her resolve wavering, her mind flashing back to her time with Angel. Kendra stared back, her determination and plan clear. Buffy broke away first, and stared around Kendra.

“He’s smart. Smarter than any monster you’ve ever dealt with. Stronger, too. He goes with his fists first, lots of power, but he swings too far. When he knows you’ve got the upper hand, he’ll start to talk to you. He’ll remind you of the time he saved my life while patrolling, the time we walked through town on Christmas, the late nights spent talking about school drama and fate and food. Don’t listen to him.”

Kendra nodded. She put the sword sheath she had received from her watcher around her waist, and picked up a collapsible crossbow. She began to walk out the door before suddenly turning around and passing a wooden stake to Buffy.

“His name’s Mr. Pointy. Perhaps he can help you.” Kendra said, a bitter smile across her face.

“Mr. Pointy? Kendra, when this is all over, you’re going to spend a few hours with Will and I in a Toys R’ Us.” Buffy lied.

They stood awkwardly facing each other for a second, and if any other woman had been in front of Buffy, she would have reached out and hugged her goodbye. Instead, they nodded and left to face each other’s nightmares.

***

When Kendra walked into the graveyard, hooded and silent, she was glad to see that it was empty. Hundreds of corpses surrounded her, but she could only sense one monster. She circled the tombs, occasionally grazing one with her fingertips, until she was certain that Angelus was following her.

“You know, it isn’t safe for a little girl to be walking around this time of night.” The vampire taunted, ignorant of who was ahead of him and what she was doing with her hands.

Kendra spun around and shot her crossbow, but Angelus instinctively somersaulted ahead so that he was only a few feet away from her.

“It’s not safe for a creature like you to be around anytime.” Kendra retorted, noticing in the back of her mind that banter was the only area of slaying that Buffy had an advantage on her.

Angelus’ eyes widened when he saw who he was dealing with. He reached out to grab her throat, but she sidestepped, dropping her crossbow to unsheathe the blessed sword at the same time. When Angelus realized his opponent wasn’t a human, he took a step back.

“You’re joking, right? This is the other slayer? God, maybe I should kill Buffy a few more times until we get one who doesn’t look like she dresses herself based on what Barbie’s wearing.”

Kendra took a step forward and slashed at his shoulder, but he flicked the sword aside with the flat of his left hand. Angelus tried to punch her in the gut with his right hand, but Kendra ducked and kicked him in his abs, throwing him into a tombstone.

Kendra turned around and ran, reloading her crossbow until she heard a sucking noise as Angelus suddenly uplifted the monument. When Kendra realized what he was planning on doing, she jumped behind another tombstone. The Slayer was a few seconds too slow, and Angelus threw the tombstone, nicking her right ankle.

Kendra stood up and saw Angel sprinting towards her. Out of breath, she dropped her crossbow and had Angel charge her, flying in with a fist. Kendra blocked it with the palm of her hand and tried to get him away for a second with a blow to his chest, but he punched at the same time, resulting in an awkward fist bump that broke both of their hands.

Without as many nerves as her, Angelus was able to respond first, rearing back and kicking her in the face. Kendra tried to stay on her feet, but when she hobbled backwards, she ran into a gravemarker. Her legs gave out from beneath her, and she landed on her knees, looking as though she was in prayer. Angelus quickly kicked her in the face, and her nose gushed out blood. Kendra could tell it was broken.

Maybe this time it will heal right, she thought, trying to leap back up until Angel put both his hands on her shoulders. He pushed her roughly to the ground and jumped on top of her thighs, holding her biceps down with both of his arms.

Kendra thrashed around, trying to get this worthless waste of space off of her. He pretended as though she were grinding with him, oohing and aahing.

“God, Kendra, with your only friend’s boyfriend? Oops, did I say friend? I meant corpse.” Angelus taunted, an insufferable smirk sparking his face as he revealed a new tidbit of information.

Kendra’s eyes widened, then narrowed. “Tell me what you mean, or when I kill you, it will be by hand.” Kendra said, temporarily forgetting all of her fear with concern for Buffy.

“Did Slayer School forget to teach you logic? I used to think they couldn’t have made a worse choice for the Chosen One then Buffy, but boy, you sure proved me wrong!” He said, lifting up her arms only to throw her hard down into the dirt.

“You were supposed to be first, we were going to start small, work our way up the ladder, so man was I surprised to see you here! I thought you’d want to stay behind and protect the humans, but I guess you knew you were best being a tragic loner. Or was it loser? Either way, the Scooby Gang’s going to be either dead, horribly tortured or dying within a few minutes.” He monologued, slowly moving closer.

“Maybe I don’t need to kill you” Angelus whispered into her ear, gazing at her neck. Kendra froze for a minute, knowing what he intended to do.

“Wouldn’t that be the ultimate tragedy? The Slayer becomes the Slain. The hunter becomes the hunted.” Angelus bit down on his lips, hard enough to draw blood, slowly moving towards Kendra’s lips.

“Enjoy your last few seconds of humanity, Kendra. I sure wish I had.”

Watching the monster close his eyes as he moved towards her mouth, Kendra fought to remain calm. Her body was exhausted, from the journey here and the fight when she arrived. Knowing that she couldn’t throw him off of her, Kendra looked around, remembering Buffy’s advice to improvise and be creative.

A few inches to her left was an old, wooden cross. She stretched her forearm as far it could go, getting her middle finger around it. Kendra pulled it as hard she could, ignoring the splinters and blood, until she knocked it over and it landed on her face.

Angelus kissed the cross before leaping back, lips burning. Glad to have the use of her arms back, Kendra batted him across the face with it, enjoying the burn mark on his face. As he was stumbling backwards, Kendra grabbed him by the side of the head and bashed his face into her knee. When he went to jerk back, she grabbed his arm and threw him to the ground. Stepping on his back, the Slayer grabbed his forearm and pushed on his elbow, listening to the bones crack. She then pulled him up by the broken arm, dragging him along like a stuffed animal to where the sword had been dropped.

She picked it up and laid it across his neck. As the panic in his eyes rose, he began to throw up memories, hoping that Kendra would be naive enough to believe she could bring him back.

“Kendra, I saved Buffy’s life, we went and broke up a nest, we bot-“

“That was not you, Angelus. That was Angel. He was someone. You are nobody. You are nothing.”

As Angelus tried to get up, Kendra put her boot on his chest, lifted the sword up, and decapitated him.

“You certainly were not as special as you thought.” Kendra said, dropping the bloodstained sword across the pile of dust as she turned around to run back to the high school.

***

SO I kinda like this fic. But I worry about the clarity! Can you guys see what I see? As always, concrit and crit and even just plain hate is welcome :D

scottyquick @ 2010-01-26T20:17:00

2010-01-27T02:17:24Z

I will one day find a slash fic where the straight guy does not literally run away when he realizes he has feelings for another guy.

That day is not today.

Also, I was tagged! By myself! From Goobs.

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then re-post this and spread the love.

I WAS TAGGED BY EVIL-SCHMEVIL OKAY

2010-01-23T19:13:32Z

List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
Tag seven people to do the same.
Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it.

1. I hate showering with warm water. I feel drowsy and dizzy, I just use the cold one.

2. I care about fiction to an unhealthy degree. My goal in life is to make something awesome, whether it be a novel I write or a movie I direct or a TV show I star in, I want to be one of those people who reaches through the page and changes your mind.

3. I should be studying. If you guys catch me online until Thursday, bully me and yell at me until I log off.

4. If you say a line that's in a song, I will sing the song.

5. I can run for hours, it's like my superpower.

6. I dress either like Oz from BTVS or in long-sleeve-discount-rack-white-Hollister shirts or superhero shirts with jeans. Always jeans.

7. I don't like the actual act of writing, I just like the end result. It's like reverse-drinking.

I CHOOSE YOU, nevermore999 , neo_prodigy , aravistarkheena , shiny_glor_chan , bluejaybirdie , goobalicious and snugglebitch !

Oooh.

2010-01-19T01:37:29Z

If you guys don't see the beginning of a Kendra/Faith fic posted here by the end of next week (exams ARGH), poke me with dull sticks. Because I really, really like the pairing and have a really unoriginal idea that I think I can spin into something original (What if ...

SPOILERS FOR BUFFY SEASON 2!

Kendra had traded Buffy places when Angel tried to bring Hell to Earth?)

I really, really like this idea.

scottyquick @ 2010-01-10T16:52:00

2010-01-10T22:52:39Z

Just came out to the rest of the family, nearly threw up.

My mom started crying, and my dad seems to be in some sort of coma, but they're both okay with it.

I am going to leave ze facebook status blank, though, because I'm unsure if straight guys would feel comfortable rooming with a gay guy for 10 days. Would you, straight people, feel comfortable rooming with someone who's gay or lesbian? Would you have at 16/17?

I'm amazed at how tired I feel now.

HISTORY ESSAY WRITING TIME.

Just kidding.
It's time for cookies and Spangel fanfic.

scottyquick @ 2010-01-04T18:00:00

2010-01-05T00:00:19Z

Had a great holiday, me and my family minus the sister went down to the Twin Cities. I love Minneapolis and WHY are there winters so much warmer then ours when they're a few hours away? I grabbed some comics, the Fallen Angel omnibus and the second volume of Young Liars and Batgirl, but mostly I bought a huuuuuuuuuuuge load of books. I remember somebody on the flist said that they had their friend stay with them when they went into a bookstore so that way they wont spend all the money in the world on books, and I decided to try that with my mom, but when I turned around she had DISAPPARATED. So I blacked out and when I woke up I was seventy bucks shorter and a few thousand pages heavier.

My brother turns out to be a huge Angel fan, and his girlfriend was a huge Buffy fan in high school, so we watched the second season together, and BURNT through the third season in like four days.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!

Okay, not liking Xander anymore. Sorry Zee, that's not how it works, you don't get to cheat on your girlfriend and get all snippy when she decides to stop hanging out with you and be upset. Although Cordelia is hilarious, and I love Oz as he's portrayed by Seth Green, he's just so monotone and hilarious and secretly CARING. I love Angel the most though, and I don't really know why. I love redemption stories? I love dark mysterious figures? I love David Boreanaz? All of the above?

Also not impressed with Faith. Loved Kendra, she was a BAMF, but Faith is just such a little whiner, thank goodness she's gone.

Most memorable quotes so far!

Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.

Willow: Who died? ... Oh God, who died?

AND!

Buffy: Oxford ... that's where they make Giles'!

The best episode so far was definitely vamp!Willow. That one was a special kind of hilarious. Definitely.

SPOILERS END!

Hmm ... I notice for some characters, I don't ship them with anyone. For a lot of them that makes sense, you can't exactly have, say, Oz/Angel when the end result if they ever have sex is that Angel will lose his soul, but for others, it's just that I like them better single. Like with Veronica Mars, Veronica/Badassery was my OTP. There's no reason why not there, though, I mean, Logan/Veronica had some crazy chemistry, Mac/Veronica and Wallace/Veronica had loads of potential ... why the chastity belt on Ron, Scotty? I don't get it, I just like her better single. Are you guys like that with some characters?

scottyquick @ 2009-12-26T00:28:00

2009-12-26T03:58:51Z

Happy holidays, my Livejournal friends! Today was Christmas, and I received FREE STUFF! It included an awesome cell phone that I cannot for the life of me type with due to my giant thumbs, physical copies of the DVDs Brick, Paris Je T'aime, and Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, the books "The Geography Club" by Brent Hartinger, "Without You" by Anthony Rapp "Wicked" by Gregory McGuire, and "Batman: War Drums" and the first soundtrack from Glee. My family spoils me, and I have annoyed everyone to death with my versions, of Dancing With Myself and Defying Gravity*

The coming out to my brother went fairly well! He thinks I'm too young to know for sure, but he was okay with it. We watched the first half of that and the Hallowe'en episode of Buffy and he told me that Angel just blows this series out of the water. I was surprised that he'd know that, and then he revealed that he was a massive Angel fan, he saw the whole series from start-to-end and told me that Cordelia moves to LA and becomes an awesome character.

Also, regarding Buffy, geez, Xander, quit being such a douche to Cordelia. Yeah, she's dull and annoying but I've come to expect better from you. Angel's pretty cool, though, and Drusilla is hilariously tragic and her relationship with Spike is neat, but I have no clue why he hangs out with her, y'know? I mean, why not Darla or that other vampire chick? And wait, isn't he bi and didn't he have a relationship with Angel pre-Buffy? So couldn't he have the pick of the litter?

Buffy is starting to feel like a character now. Before, she was more .like an archetype imo, the Whedon-girl who's adorable and able to kick your ass. Now she doesn't feel like a modern-day Kitty Pryde. And awww, Willow. Although my gaydar is failrific, I'm not really getting any vibes from her, did you, flist? I'm getting them from Xander, though. His obsession over one girl and his desire to go out with the one lady he can't have, his ridiculous jealousy over her boyfriends and his need to preserve his masculinity to a ridiculous degree ... that sounds familiar.

AND AND AND, I also bought my sister's Amazon gift certificate from her, and I'm going to be placing an order. Any recs? So far I'm getting Kissing Kate by Lauren Myracle, The Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner, The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson (no relation to Maureen Johnson), and Witchblade: Vol 1 by Ron Marz and Mike Choi, mostly because I really like Marz from Green Lantern and Green Arrow and I LOVE Mike Choi.

So! How did your holidays go, flist? See the family? Get cool junk? My brother's out seeing a friend of his who I sometimes work with (we're terribly efficient at preparing wraps and ruthlessly vicious when it comes to lazy workers), and I'm typing this on his laptop. It's exciting!

*OH EM GEE, flist, Idina Menzel is going to be on GLEE! For all of the last nine episodes. She's a pretty frigging awesome musiciactress, and click here for her being amazing with Kristen Chenoweth. The resemblance between her and Lea Michele is uncanny, but I'm mostly wondering what songs she'll do. They've already done Defying Gravity, but maybe Take Me or Leave Me with Rachel, but to a different beat?

scottyquick @ 2009-12-22T21:07:00

2009-12-23T03:07:47Z

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS BUFFY IS SO GOOD I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GOOD THIS IS CAPS LOCK OF JOOOOOOOOOOOY

Ilu Xander I hope you and Buffy have roughly two billion adorable little slayer babies and they take over the world <3

Nicholas Brendon has a twitter, I'm following it.

Also, here's a picture of him, with a 17.7% chance of casting doubt about their sexuality in the minds of those who prefer the fairer sex:

In less exciting news, the Brother is home. I have decided to go to Tim Hortons with him tomorrow and come out to him. He's apparently a huge Angel fan! He got excited when he popped up on screen.

Also, Angel/Buffy/Xander yes/yes?

Polls

2009-12-12T16:07:16Z

</lj-poll></div>

Hot Guys

Ed Westwick

Chace Crawford

Gaspard Ulliel

Hot Gals

Rosario Dawson

Kristin Bell

Gina Torres

Also, has anyone here seen Gossip Girl? Interested in it, but have questions.

scottyquick @ 2009-11-23T17:04:00

2009-11-23T23:04:55Z

I'm starting to learn guitar! It's quite difficult. I'm trying to learn how to play Falling For You, it sounds all wrong but it's really quite fun to try and learn to do. I'm interested in trying to learn piano, but I'm not sure where to begin on that one. Is it possible to learn piano by yourself? What about you guys, flist? Do you play an instrument or sing? How'd you learn?

Also, I can't sing, like at all, but I sing often and with lots of volume. I think I'll join the chorus of the musical this year (Little Shop of Horrors!).

scottyquick @ 2009-11-13T16:49:00

2009-11-13T22:49:51Z

Just for fun, what are your thoughts on vegetarianism, flist? Is it a totally necessary thing that anyone who respects animals should do, or is it something completely ridiculous because they're just chickens? I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat meat rare enough that I could pretty much switch with no problem. Vegetarianism is delicious, though. I have no clue how anyone can like meaty spaghetti sauce over delicious sauce with mushrooms and onions. Seafood can be delicious, especially shrimp (mmmmmmm), but most meat just tastes gross to me.

(I love that after three sentences I go from srs discussion to yummy mushrooms)

Oh! And vegetarianism is way healthier for you. So there's a plus. But it costs a lot. So there's a minus!

scottyquick @ 2009-11-09T23:01:00

2009-11-10T05:07:01Z

It amazes me the lengths some people will go to to be offended.

Anyway, meme time.

Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity. (until I get bored)
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

karenhealey asked me

1. Who's the strongest person in your life?

On a daily basis, I'd have to say a friend of mine, Kelsey, and on a yearly basis, my grandma.

2. What's the last thing you read and loved?

Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez. It was sweet, sappy, and I identified way too strongly with Kyle. I also REALLY loved Far From Xanadu by Julie Anne Peters, which was about a girl falling for someone she couldn't have.

3. Who do you most admire?

Barbara Gordon, fictional or not. In real life, though, I have a friend, and she's consistently one of the best people I know, and I truly admire her constant joy and sweet attitude towards everyone.

4. What have you done that you're most proud of?

Starred in "A Christmas Carol", four years ago now. It was hard memorizing the billions of lines, but great times.

5. How have you been awesome lately?

I have, instead of eating chicken-cheese burgers and diet coke for lunch, taken to veggies and water! Woohoo!

Lesbian Subtext in Xena: Warrior Princess Season 6

2009-10-24T23:56:00Z

Part two!

Aww, flist. You guys rock. I won't be shocked if you all delete me, though.

Return Of The Valkyrie

Written by Emily Skopov

Directed by John Fawcett

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
One year has passed since the events of the previous episode. Lord Erik leads his vikings to rescue Gabrielle, but is warned by Beowolf that doing so is suicide. Grinhilda arrives and kills several vikings. Lord Erik attempts to pass through the flame, but is disintegrated. Beowolf leads the retreat and decides it is time to return to Denmark and enlist the aid of his friend, King Rothgar. They arrive to find a celebration underway; King Rothgar is about to wed Welthea. Welthea arrives and Beowolf realizes it is Xena.
Segment two:
During the wedding ceremony, Xena experiences flashbacks to her previous life. Rothgar later turns out to be a creep, capable of rape. After confiding the truth to Rothgar's sister, Beowolf visits Xena in her bedchamber. They are immediatly interrupted by an angry and jealous Rothgar.
Segment three:
Beowolf and Xena escape from Rothgar's castle and travel towards the ring. When their ship lands, they are attacked by the Valkyrie.
Segment four:
Xena orders the vikings to drop their weapons and defends herself from the Valkyrie attack. Odin arrives and realizes that Xena is not a threat, and that it will be easy to take the ring from her after she has retrieved it. The Valkyrie, acting on their own, attack Xena again when she reaches Gabrielle. She defeats them again, but Grinhilda arrives.
Segment five:
Xena leaps through the flame and awakens Gabrielle. She then uses the power of the ring to restore Grinhilda. She travels to Valhalla and insists Odin receive Grinhilda as chief of the Valkyrie once more. Lastly, she returns the Rheingold to the Rheinmaidens.

Disclaimer: Any similarity between our story and the classic children's fairy tale is purely coincidental.
Moments Of Subtext:

* The Valkyrie discuss Gabrielle: "Our sister, Brunhilda, turned herself to flame to protect Gabrielle. Perhaps she's not so ordinary. And Xena, Xena seems to care a great deal for her, too."
* Xena makes and odd confession to her husband: "Our union has given me a new purpose. You've always known that my priorities are different than other women's."
* Xena sees a vision of Gabrielle, holding out her hand. "I'm lost without you, Xena," she says.
* Beowolf chastizes Xena: "...the Xena I remember could never forget what happened in that swamp, the face of Gabrielle, the most loyal friend in the world."
* As Xena removes her wedding ring, she has a vision of Gabrielle. "I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena" says Gabrielle, reaching out to touch Xena's face.
* "This Gabrielle truely loved Xena, didn't she?" asks Xena.
"And will until the end of time," responds Beowolf.
* "Brunhilda's flame will recognize you as Gabrielle's soulmate," instructs Beowolf when they reach the flame.
* Xena's face as she beholds Gabrielle 'for the first time' is full of love.
* "The love in your heart burns stronger than any flame. You belong together, Xena" says Brunhilda.
* "I have no quarrel with you, I'm here only for Gabrielle" says Xena.
"You sound like one of those pathetic love sick boys who burn themselves to a crisp" retorts a Valkyrie.
* Xena awakens Gabrielle with a kiss. As she awakens, a montage of 'togetherness' scenes scrolls by. She and Xena embrace. "I dreamed you'd come back for me."
* "Even though I didn't remember you, I felt your presence. I knew that I would never be complete unless those shadows were brought into the light" confesses Xena.
* "You have a good heart, Beowolf. If it weren't for you, I'd still be in Brunhilda's flame" says Gabrielle.
"I think we both know Xena would have found you eventually" confesses Beowolf.
* Gabrielle finds much time to snuggle Xena as she rides behind her on a Valkyrie's horse.
* "Momories are powerful, Xena. I'm so thankful that yours brought you back to me" says Gabrielle.
* "What magic has made Xena into such a noble creature that she would give up the power of the Rheingold?" asks a Rhainmaiden.
"It wasn't magic" responds Xena, exchanging a significant look with Gabrielle.

Commentary:
Here concludes the Norse trilogy, and just to show how good it was, especially considering Season Five (Scott! Will you just get over Season Five and let it die a much deserved death! -ed.) I have absolutely no complaints. How's that for an early x-mas present? In fact, now that the trilogy has come and gone, I find it difficult to believethat there may be anybody out there who has any doubts of the true nature of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. But then again, some folks will just not believe until they see some x-rated material.

Old Ares Had A Farm

Written by R.J. Stewart

Directed by Charles Siebert

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Arriving in a seedy bar, Xena starts questioning some suspicious characters. After a quick fight, she convinces one of them to confess that they have gathered to hunt down and kill Ares for the bounty that several warlords have placed on his head. Xena and Gabrielle find Ares and convince him to try a new identity, a farmer.
Segment two:
The three of them arrive at Xena's old family farm. While they are fixing it up, a neighbor stops by to warn them that she heard there was an army heading in their direction. Xena intercepts the army and offers the warlord Ares' head.
Segment three:
The warlord accepts Xena's offer to help kill Ares. She returns to the farm where several whacky scenes show Ares coping with farm life, including the three of them in bed together, a mischievous dog, a friendly neighbor, and him trying to kill chickens. All this comes in jeapordy, though, when a scouting party from the warlord's army appears.
Segment four:
Ares and Gabrielle pose as a farmer and wife. As they are being questioned, Xena rides up. She interrogates the farmer, and finds out that Ares had passed through several days ago. The search party heads off to inform the army of the sighting. Later, a travelling salesman comes and retrieves his dog from Ares. The warlord later bumps into this salesman and dog and sees the dog chewing on Ares' gauntlet. Finding out that the dog was found on a farm, he heads towards Xena and the gang.
Segment five:
Xena and Gabrielle arrive in the warlord's tent. Xena is there to dissuade him from going to the farm, but Gabrielle is there to denounce Xena. It seems that Xena has fallen in love with Ares and left Gabrielle behind. After telling the warlord where Ares can really be found, she and Xena fight it out. Falling for this ruse, the warlord sends his army to Ares hiding spot, which in reality is a cave containing an eight headed monster sure to kill them all. Xena and Gabrielle leave Ares to his new found lifestyle.

Disclaimer: Ares went to the dogs during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Ares muses on what he would like on his "plantation", he mentions "Half a dozen flute playing girls."
"That's just what I was thinking," Xena tells Gabrielle.
* While the three of them try sleeping in the same bed, Xena notices that Gabrielle's hand is too close to Ares pelvis, and moves it a safe distance away.
* Ares asks Gabrielle, "Is there anything you and I agree on?"
Gabrielle looks at Xena and Ares replies "Oh yeah."
* Gabrielle's feigned jealousy at Xena's betrayal is readily accepted by the warlord and his henchman.
* Gabrielle gives Ares a smug smile when Xena refuses to kiss him goodbye.

Commentary:
One of the types of episodes that I just can't stand is one that can be summed up in two words: "Whacky zanniness." Sadly, that is what this episode is all about. It offers no real plot or emotions, just campy humor. But not humor that is character based or could ever be called "witty." Nope, this is a show about a dog licking Ares, Ares falling through a roof, Ares trying to kill a chicken but (hyuck hyuck!) that darn chicken is just too fast for him. Sorry for the downer folks, but after episodes like this, I am glad that Xena is ending. Go watch Buffy. They're not even afraid to write lesbian characters.

Dangerous Prey

Written by Joel Metzger

Directed by Renee O'Connor

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
An amazon, Marga, is being hunted in the woods. After being caught in traps, she is confonted by her pursuer. Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle arrive in the amazon village. They learn that the amazons have been disappearing one by one. Varia rushes out to find Marga, and Xena follows her trying to protect her. Together they find Marga dying with a challenge carved into her body.
Segment two:
Varia takes off after Marga's killer and is quickly caught in a trap by some ruffians. They reveal they have caught her for the sport of their leader, Prince Morlock. Xena rescues Varia, but leashes her to protect her from herself. Arriving in an abandoned building, Xena tries to teach Varia to control her anger, but Varia attacks Xena instead. Xena easily defeats her.
Segment three:
Varia agrees to be taught and together she and Xena set a trap for Morlock. He deduces the trap, though, and lures Xena into a cave. Varia tires of waiting for Xena and enters the cave to search her out. She is immediately captured by Morlock.
Segment four:
Xena blows up the caves and escapes. She then decides that rather than being hunted, she will now hunt Morlock. But he anticipates this and sets the forest on fire to flush her out. She bends down a tree and launches Varia over the fires, but Varia is caught in Morlock's waiting net.
Segment five:
Varia is taken to the "arena." Xena arrives and she and Morlock battle around the arena until Xena defeats him. Varia is given Marga's right of caste and becomes the new queen of the amazons.

Moments Of Subtext:

* Xena says: "Varia, this is where you get to do exactly what I say, when I say it."
"Just give me the word."
"Ready to take your clothes off?"

Commentary:
Boring. No subtext. Uninteresting. Getting the picture? Am I really concerned that the bad guy if the week is going to defeat Xena? Nope. What makes him different from every other bad guy of the week? Um... Well he's got that triangle chakram thingy... uh...
What really confuses me is that they keep insisting throughout the episode the Varia is the last hope for the Amazons. Should anything happen to her, there will be no more Amazons. They don't exactly explain why this is. I mean, when they start off and end up in the village, there sure seem to be plenty of Amazons to me. Are they all sterile or something?

The God You Know

Written by Emily Skopov

Directed by Garth Maxwell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
At the scene of a warlike atrocity, the Archangel Michael warns Xena and Gabrielle that Caligula is out of control and has achieved immortality. In Rome, Eve confronts Caligula in defiance of his Cult Of Blood. Xena arrives, saving her, but is thwarted from killing Caligula by Ares, who reveals that since Aphrodite's and Caligula's lives are bound, killing one would kill the other.
Segment two:
Gabrielle escorts Eve to safety. Xena challenges Caligula to a chariot race, he is intrigued so she and Gabrielle are invited into the palace. There, Gabrielle realizes that Aphrodite does not recognize them while Xena is in the dungeon getting information from Ares. He reveals that Caligula is taking Aphrodite's godhood from her. She has become unbalanced and insane without the God Of War to balance her. Caligula orders Xena to kill Ares as a test of her worthiness.
Segment three:
Xena and Gabrielle turn the execution into a sexual floor show, with Xena enticing Caligula by biting his lip, cutting him. Fearing his immortality is in jeapordy, Caligula clears the room. Xena reveals that she is the Irish Goddess Of Sex and can kill gods. She offers to join forces with Caligula. Michael fetches Eve and draws her to Caligula.
Segment four:
Xena convinces Caligula to delay Eve's execution until a more public moment. Michael appears and attempts to assassinate Aphrodite but Xena interferes and beats him. The god of Eli revokes her ability to kill gods. Caligula kisses Aphrodite for the last time, stealing what remains of her godhood.
Segment five:
Murdering Eve is offered as the prize in a chariot race between Caligula and Xena. After she wins, Xena reveals who she is and that she has come to kill Caligula. She offers him the honorable way out: suicide. He accepts.

Disclaimer: Gabrielle's undercover disguise was severly harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Xena and Gabrielle bathe nude together in the roman palace. Xena washes Gabrielle.
* Aphrodite hits on Gabrielle: "I've never been so happy" she declares just before kissing Gabrielle.
* Aphrodite reacts with recognition and interest when Gabrielle dances for her and Caligula.
* Gabrielle comforts Aphrodite by gently stroking her face.
* When Xena finds Michael standing over Aphrodite and Gabrielle with his sword raised, she accuses him of "going after my girlfriends."
* Aprhodite wakes as her old self when her godhood is removed and finds Gabrielle hovering over her. "Gabrielle, I know we're, like, close, but is this appropriate?" she asks.
* Grabbing Gabrielle and Eve, Xena annouces "I've still got my two greatest gifts and I have no intention of losing either of them."

Commentary:
Oh my goodness this is so bad. Caligula, the insane emperor of Rome is introduced in this episode and rather than dark and menacing and scary he is... (and if you have been reading any of my reviews lately you should really see this one coming) ...wacky and zany! Oh wow! How exciting and new! I have been waiting and waiting for another wacky and zany episode! sigh...
Do they bother to explain how Caligula is stealing Aphrodite's power? Nope. He just kisses her and sucks it out. Do they bother to explain how they possibly got together in the first place since Aphrodite thinks Caligula is disgusting? Nope. Do they explain why Xena has a chariot race with Claigula at the end? Nope. She just decides it's something she need to do before revealing who she is. Xena just needed a little drama in her life.
Maybe I've been watching "Gladiator" too many times, but it is just so sad to contrast that with this episode. In Xena, Rome is perhaps a large village of several hundred people. None of the roads are paved. Their emperor walks amongst them with about three guards.
Yeah, there is some subtext in this episode. But at what price? This episode is an affront to my intelligence. I walked away actually feeling stupider for the hour of my life that is now gone.

You Are There

Written by Chris Black

Directed by John Laing

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Xena and Gabrielle travel to the Norse lands. Intercepted by Valkyries, they fight them off until a modern roving reporter, complete with camera man and microphone tries to interview them.
Segment two:
The reporter accuses Xena of coming to kill Odin and make herself a god. She storms away, incensed. He then travels to the river Styx and interviews Charon about Xena's bloody path across the known world. He also bumps into Caligula, on his way to the underworld. Caligula denouces Xena's heroic intentions and claims she just loves the violence as much as he did. The reporter also manages to get an interview with Odin who claims that Xena is in collusion with Ares, her true love, to steal the golden apples and makes themselves gods.
Segment three:
After finding Xena and Ares together in a shack at the end of town, the reporter then travels to Heaven and interviews Michael, who accuses Xena of always following her own desires, whatever the consequences. Next he travels to Hell and Satan talks of his hatred for her. Eve is interviewed next and freaks out in defense of her mother. Finally, Gabrielle is brought into the studio where she reveals that she does not love Xena.
Segment four:
Xena arrives and tells the reporter that love has left the world. Trying to verify the story, the reporter travels to a bordello where he finds Ares and a booming business. A cloaked figure suggests that he "follow the love" so he tracks down Aphrodite who confirms that without her to replenish the world's love, it has disappeared. The reporter then finds Xena in Valhalla, battling Odin.
Segment five:
Xena defeats Odin and gives the golden apples to Ares and Aphrodite, restoring their godhoods. Love returns to the world.

Disclaimer: The concept of linear time was severly harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Xena warns a stagehand who is trying to attach a microphone to Gabrielle's top: "You watch your hands, buddy."
* Caligula hints at their relationship: "She and that bard of hers--yeah like we don't know what's going on there."
* Gabrielle is put on the hot seat by the reporter: "Gabrielle, isn't it possible that you are confused by your own feelings for Xena?"
"My feelings for Xena?"
"Come on, Gabrielle, I know that Xena is more to you than just a friend."
"Okay, your right. She's my best friend."
"What would you say, Gabrielle, if I told you that not too long ago I found your 'friend,' Xena, in a tumble down little love shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares? How do you feel about that, Gabrielle?"
"I don't know how I feel."
"Tell us the truth. You and Xena are lovers, aren't you? Or should I say you were lovers until you were replaced by Ares? Gabrielle, are you in love with Xena?"
"I don't love Xena."
* The reporter asks "Xena, are you in love with Gabrielle?" She answers by telling him that mortals have lost the ability to love.
* After an argument Gabrielle remarks, "We're saying things that people who love each other would never say."
* Aphrodite says: "Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still travelling with Xena. I was afraid that with me away from Olympus you two might not be so close."
To which Gabrielle responds: "No, we're partners."
* When love returns and everyone is feeling its effects, Xena and Gabrielle stare at each other, smiling.
* The final scene of the show is the reporter confronting Xena and Gabrielle with the following question.
"Gabrielle, Xena, I have only one more question left. The question that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening. The question that has never been answered. Are you two lovers?"
Xena responds, "You're asking--"
"That's right, I'm asking. Are you two lovers?"
"That's non of your beeswax, Nigel"
"Okay Xena," interrupts Gabrielle, "You just risked everything to bring love back into the world."
"So what?"
"I think you should answer the question."
"You do, do you?"
"Yeah."
"And now, ladies and gentlemen," says Nigel, "A world exclusive, for the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle, Xena, are you two lovers?"
"You want the truth?" asks Xena.
"That's right, Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth."
"It's like this--technically..."
And then the camera operator's battery dies.

Commentary:
I find this episode insulting. It is after watching episodes like this that I realize how little Xena has been willing to give to us, the viewers. There is very little growth in this series. Everything stays the same. I'm no expert, but it seems to me that this type of television went out of style about a decade ago. Nowadays, shows evolve, characters evolve, writers take chances. Just look at Ally McBeal (I've watched that show a couple of times, but years ago so I may be wrong.) It used to be that the quirky things that happened inside of Ally's head were just that...quirky things. I checked in with the show a year later and guess what? These "imaginations" of Ally had taken a darker turn; she was almost a victim of her own mind. I thought that this was an interesting idea for them to explore; it added a whole new dimension to the series. Xena stopped evolving about two years ago. And now they are giving another obligatory nod to us, the subtext fans by hinting but refusing to once again say anything definitve. How long can you make the relationship between the two main characters vague? How can you possibly keep viewers watching your show when you will not commit to something as fundamental as that?! Choose one relationship or the other, we have a right to know how the two main characters relate. But six years of this straddling the fence is just a slap in our faces.
Okay, so ignoring the subtext, this episode had a good gimmick which I think could have been explored or played with more, but was only used on its most superficial level. I never felt that the reporter was right and that Xena was perhaps reverting to her dark side. So this was sixty minutes of watching someone you know is wrong trying to figure out something for himself which is obvious to everyone else. I find that a difficult definition of "fun" or "entertaining." Though I do have to say that Eve's 'freak out' was funny.

Path Of Vengeance

Written by Joel Metzger

Directed by Chris Martin-Jones

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Eve decides to visit the Amazons to offer them peace as a representative of the new roman emperor. However all the various tribes have united under Varia and they respond to Eve and her unwanted guard of roman troops with force. Eve is captured and all the troops but one massacred. Xena and Gabrielle meet up with the one survivor who tells them of Eve's capture.
Segment two:
Xena and Gabrielle find the remains of the battle and are allowed to visit the council as they try Eve for her crimes as Livia. Varia tells the story of Livia visiting her tribe with roman soldiers, capturing all of the amazons to be sold as slaves and killing her sister. Eve admits that she did these crimes. The council votes to execute her.
Segment three:
Xena recognizes Varia's sword as a gift from Ares and is told that Ares is trying to build a strong Amazon nation. She offers as Eve's defense that she was operating under Ares' direction at the time and the Amazons must understand that they too are being manipulated for his own agenda. The council votes again, this time with Gabrielle but once again returns a guilty verdict.
Segment four:
Ares reveals to Xena that he is brewing the biggest war in history: the amazons versus the romans. Meanwhile, in council, Gabrielle challenges Varia's right to rule the amazons. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, Varia easily defeats her in combat.
Segment five:
Xena has an long battle with Varia at Eve's execution. She eventually makes Varia realize that she has become what she hates most: a copy of Livia, a puppet of Ares. Eve, now free, says goodbye to her mother and Gabrielle as she heads to Indus and Chin.

Disclaimer: The disclaimers for this episode were harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Xena cradles Gabrielle in her arms after her beating from Varia.
* After given her freedom, Eve pats Xena on the arm but embraces Gabrielle.
* While saying goodbye to her mother, Eve tells Gabrielle "Thank you for saving my mother and bringing her such happiness." They then embrace.

Commentary:
One of the things I hadn't realized I missed was the old Ares. I think it's a testament to Kevin Smith's good job as an actor that there is such a noticeable difference between mortal Ares and god Ares. Other than that, there is not much to say about this episode. It's fairly standard Xena fare. I find it difficult to believe that Gabrielle was so easily beaten by Varia. I find it odd, too, that the amazons have their own acid pools with which to execute prisoners.

To Helicon And Back

Written by Liz Friedman & Vanessa Place

Directed by Michael Hurst

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
The Amazons are attacked during a ceremony to celebrate their strength and Varia is abducted.
Segment two:
Recognizing the attackers as an army from Helicon, the Amazons launch their counter-attack to free Varia. As the Amazons sneak to the coastal fortress in a ship, Xena infiltrates the castle to kill the leader. He turns out to be Bellerophon, the half-god son of Artemis, out to seek his revenge against the Amazons for abandoning his mother, and especially against Xena for killing her. Xena fights him and barely escapes while the ship is bombarded by catapult.
Segment three:
Their ship sinking, the Amazons swim to the beachfront under heavy arrow and catapult fire. They meet up with Xena after suffering heavy casualties. Varia is released and wants to retreat, but Xena and Gabrielle talk her into continuing the assault. When Gabrielle goes searching for the trail to the castle that Varia descended, Varia attempts to assassinate her.
Segment four:
Xena prevents Varia from shooting Gabrielle. Varia had made a deal with Bollerophon: if she killed Gabrielle, he would spare her tribe. Gabrielle strips Varia of her queenhood. After swimming through shark infested waters, Gabrielle ralles the troops for their final assault.
Segment five:
Xena challenges Bollerophon to a duel. He easily beats her and she retreats, leading him and his troops into a trap. The amazons dispatch his army while Xena kills Bollerophon.

No shark bait was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Xena is sexcused from the ceremony because she is not an Amazon. As she goes to sleep in the woods, she and Gabrielle exchange looks as Xena warns her "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
* Bellerophon's vengeance would be sated if Varia killed Gabrielle? Apparently even he recognizes how much suffering that would cause Xena.

Commentary:
Some things I noticed while watching this episode: Amazons really seem to like to break into dance numbers. Why is my life not like this? And did you hear that metal-on-metal clang when Varia is knocked out at the begining? I know she is wearing a headband, but it's not that big! And where di the Amazons get that boat from? They have always lived in the middle of the forest! They're like ewoks or something.
While this is a far cry from the best episode they have ever done, it is one of the better episodes this season and certainly the best out of the last several episodes shown. Michael Hurst does a good job directing and this episode reflects when I think Xena works best: when it takes itself seriously. And this episode returns to one of Xena's great themes: violence corrupts the soul. Gabrielle is uneasy with her role as Amazon queen and the things she is required to do for the good of the tribe. This makes her character three dimensional, adds some conflict to the show, and makes sitting there for an hour worth the effort, instead of getting a few 'hyuk-hyuks' out of it.

Send In The Clones

Written by Paul Robert Coyle

Directed by Charlie Haskell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
In the present a mysterious woman (who looks an awful lot like Alti) exchanges cash for Xena's now 2000 year old chakram and two hair samples. Three Xena fans are summoned to her laboratory where she reveals she has cloned Xena and Gabrielle.
Segment two:
The Xena fans provide compilations of clips from the television show that are meant to resurface the dormant memories in the clones. After they leave for the day a mysterious person enters the lab and loads clips of evil Xena which the Xena clone starts to respond to.
Segment three:
More montages are shown to the clones, finally awakening the Xena clone who puts the pinch on one of the Xena fans.
Segment four:
After Gabrielle wakes up and the situation is explained to them, Xena and Gabrielle begin to adjust to the present and watch reruns of the show based on their lives. The scientist leads Gabrielle outside where she is promptly arrested by the local police for "breaking and entering." Xena takes off to rescue her and the scientist who looks just like Alti reveals that she is, in fact...Alti!
Segment five:
Alti has brought Xena to life so that she could revert her to her evil ways and ruin Xena's new found reputation in the modern world. Confronting the evil Xena in a junkyard, Alti almost converts her to her own cause, but Gabrielle awakens Xena's good side. Alti is defeated in a fight, and the clones appear to die in the ensuing explosion.

No Xena fans were harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Commenting on a montage made by the subtext friendly fan, one of the others says "You'd think all they did was sit around in baths and campfires emoting."
"I included other things, but I feel very strongly that Gabrielle is the most important relationship in Xena's life."
"If you start talking about subtext, I'm gonna barf!"
* The horny male fan wants to take advantage of the unconscious clones: "We need a more hands on approach. What about a bit of cardiac massage?" To which the subtext friendly fan responds "He could be right. Or mouth to mouth..." as she gazes at Gabrielle.
* Once again, the subtext friendly fan gets caught up in the moment: "Think about the fun they had together; the baths they shared." "If you're talking about their 'special relationship'" responds the male fan, "I'm into that! Just let me watch."
* A long subtext montage is shown to the clones to attempt to counteract the evil Xena clips shown.
* After the clones awake, the subtext friendly fan thinks to herself, "I know... after lights out I'll play them a full season of Ellen episodes!"
* When the clones watch a scene of Xena and Gabrielle kissing, Gabrielle looks uncomfortable while Xena looks pleased and satisfied.
* Xena reacts to Lucy Lawless' portayal of her: "I like the one that plays me. She's kinda sexy."
* Puzzled after watching several full episodes, Gabrielle asks "What are they trying to say about our relationship anyway?"
"Who knows," responds Xena.
* When "Alti" puts her arm around Gabrielle, she reacts rather strongly, if uncertainly, to it.
* The subtext fan reacts to a discussion of Gabrielle: "She's plenty more than just a sidekick!"
* Xena is brought back to the side of good by Gabrielle's stirring of her memories which sparks another subtext montage.
* When Xena and Gabrielle are seen driving off in a taxi at the end of the episode, Xena has her arm around Gabrielle and they are clinking a couple of champagne glasses together.

Commentary:
Another over-the-top episode that is based on a cute idea but is just so exaggerated and in-your-face with its slapstickish jokes that it makes it difficult to enjoy. Nobody enjoys a good poke at obsessive compulsive fans like me, but the charicatures in this episode are so two-dimensional and over done that they lack any interest for me. The plot is weak at best. Alti has brought Xena to life to ruin her reputation? How many times has Xena defeated Alti? Has Alti become the stupidest person in history during her journey through time?
Several other things caught my eye in this episode: As Alti holds up Xena's chakram in the begining, while it is touching nothing but air and her hand, it makes a metal-chinging-on-metal noise. When she hands an envelope of cash to her lackey, he starts to flip through it and she says "It's all there." He stops. I think this line has made it into every movie since 1920. I could be wrong. I loved that the evil Xena montage showed to the clone was on a disk which was clearly marked in big, bright letters, "Evil Xena" and also had some sort of "Evil Xena" screen saver on it. I like Star Trek just fine. I also am amused by the jab at the end of the episode against Star Trek fans. But any simpleton knows that Doctor Spock has nothing to do with Star Trek and was an author of books on rearing children. It's Mister Spock, people.

Last Of The Centaurs

Written by Joel Metzger

Directed by Garth Maxwell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Three centaurs are ambushed by warriors and two of them are slain. Ephiny appears to Gabrielle and warns her that Xenan, her son, is in danger. Xena and Gabrielle find out that Lord Bellach has placed a bounty on the centaur's head.
Segment two:
Xena and Gabrielle pose as assassins to question Bellach on this bounty. They find him to be the spitting image of Xena's lover Barias. Bellach explains that he is doing this because the centaur has kidnapped his daughter, Nicha. Ephiny leads Xena and Gabrielle to Xenan only to find that Nicha has not been kidnapped; she has eloped.
Segment three:
Xena reveals to Gabrielle that Bellach is indeed the son of Barias and Natasha, from whom Xena seduced Barias. Xena and the others find the centaurs' secret town, which has been razed and all the centaurs killed. Xena confronts Bellach with the truth, that his daughter is pregnant and he has committed genocide against her husband's people, people that Barias honored. Bellach proves he is beyond reason though, and Xena kidnaps him.
Segment four:
Xena shows Bellach the pit of centaurs and leaves him to confront his own guilt. Nicha goes into labor as Xenan leads Bellach's men away from her. Xena deleivers the baby just as Bellach and his troops arrive to exchange the now captured Xenan for Nicha.
Segment five:
Xena fights off Bellach's men until Nicha emerges from the hut with her son, asking for peace. Xena reveals to Bellach what an honorable man his father was, and how far he has strayed from that ideal. Bellach makes peace with his daughter and his new son in law.

The Centaur population was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Ephiny appears to Gabrielle with the words, "Gabrielle-- as beautiful as ever."
* Gabrielle seems really upset after Ephiny leaves.

Commentary:
Another mediocre episode. The plot is weak, the characters one dimensional (not even two dimensional!) Bellach is one of the worst characters to come along in Xena, which is a waste for such a good actor. He is immune to logic or any sort of common sense, he commits genocide for the flimsiest of reasons, and then changes his mind and decides, Whoops! He was wrong the whole time. "Sorry about wiping out your species, son." "Gee, that's okay now that you've forgiven us, dad." Which of course does not say much for Xenan, who takes all of this in stride. And Nicha, too, who is comfortable having a mass murderer for a father.
Another example of how stupid the producers of this show think we fans are, is when Bellach reacts to something Xena says, something he has heard in the past, and they flashback to a scene we viewers saw about ten minutes ago. This is either poor writing, poor directing, poor editing, or some combination of the three. What an amazing way to underestimate your audience.
And speaking of bad writing, what is with Gabrielle constantly coaxing Xena into killing Bellach? Did Gabrielle have a bowl full of evil for breakfast? Has she temporarily forgotten her personality of the last six years? Or, more probably, do the makers of this show think that we are total idiots?

When Fates Collide

Written by Katherine Fugate

Directed by John Fawcett

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Caesar has escaped from Hell and chained up the Fates. He alters the tapestry of life so that he did not crucify Xena shortly after meeting her. Reality rearranges itself to accomodate this. Caesar is now still Emperor of Rome, and Xena is his Empress.
Segment two:
Alti is in this reality too. She is the high priestess of Rome. The three of them attend a play put on by Gabrielle, where Xena is overwhelmed by her instant connection with this playwright. Caesar becomes jealous, and Alti uses this opportunity to attack Xena with the idea of becoming the new empress.
Segment three:
Brutus saves Xena and Alti is jailed. Caesar arrests Gabrielle claiming that Alti named her as a co-conspirator. Xena makes her way to Gabrielle's cell where they tenderly share their feelings for each other. Xena agrees to free Alti in exchange for more visions of her future, which reveal the truth that this is not the intended reality. Gabrielle is brought out to be crucified.
Segment four:
Xena stops the crucifixtion by promising to cooperate with Caesar if he spares Gabrielle's life. He agrees and she is set free. He later, however, dispatches Alti to kill her. Xena interrupts that assassination and fights off Alti but roman troops arrive and subdue her.
Segment five:
Xena is crucified by Caesar, who is killed by Alti. Gabrielle, in her grief over losing Xena, goes to the temple of the Fates and finds them chained up and the loom in chaos. She destroys the tapestry, reinstating the proper reality.

Moments Of Subtext:

* Caesar complains about his fate: "I get stabbed in the back by my good friend Brutus while Xena gets to ride off into the sunset with her girlfriend."
* After the play, Xena throws a rose to Gabrielle, and they make eye contact. Each clearly feels a connection to the other.
* Caesar is clearly jealous of the connection Xena and Gabrielle seem to share.
* "Do you really believe that kind of love exists?" asks Xena.
"It's what we all dream about, isn't it? Someone looks so deeply into our soul that they find something worth dying for." Gabrielle responds. They spend a beat looking into each other's eyes.
* When Xena and Caesar leave the post-play party, Gabrielle watches them leave in slow motion, obviously full of emotion.
* In their bed chamber Xena admits to an interest in Gabrielle, then refuses to sleep with Caesar.
* Xena watches Gabrielle from her balcony across the courtyard.
* Alti confronts Xnea: "I saw the way you looked at her tonight during the play. Wouldn't Caesar give anything to have you look at him that way?"
* "I'm not your empress; I'm your friend" says Xena as she gets Gabrielle off of the cross.
* "Xena, when I thought I was going to die, it all became so clear. My life is empty despite my success. I write about love but I've never felt it before." Gabrielle confesses to Xena before leaving Rome.
"Rome is not safe for you. Leave now."
"I will never forget you."
* "Xena, when I'm with you, this emptiness that I've felt my entire life is gone," Gabrielle tells Xena.
* "I can't let you die," Gabrielle tells Xena.
"Some things are worth dying for; isn't that what your play was about? Being prepared to sacrifice all for love?"
"For love."
* "I'll love you forever" Xena tells Gabrielle.
* Gabrielle confronts the Fates in her grief: "Your loom destroyed what was meant to be," she says before destoying reality.
* "I love you Gabrielle," says Xena as she is crucified.

Commentary:
Wow.

Wow.

A good episode, and it's is all about maintext! This episode is purely here to show that Xena and Gabrielle are meant to be, that their love crosses realities, and that nothing can stand in its way. Nearly every scene of this episode is there to talk about the love felt between these two characters. It is also an interesting episode because it steps into another reality, and it is always interesting to play "What might have been."
This episode also has what I think is on of the best endings I have seen in a Xena episode. You come back from commercial to find Xena being crucified, Alti stabbing Caesar while having sex with him, Gabrielle confronting the Fates in comfortless grief as she decides to destroy reality rather than live without Xena. Very powerful stuff.
Highly recommended.

Many Happy Returns

Written by Liz Friedman and Vanessa Place

Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
Xena and Gabrielle encounter a goup of religious zealots about to sacrifice a virgin. Xena rescues her using the Helmet Of Hermes and flies her to safety, where J'nia, the virgin, is annoyed because her sacrifice was ruined.
Segment two:
Xena and Gabrielle decide to cure J'nia of her religious zeal by introducing her to a real god, Aphrodite.
Segment three:
The four of them travel to Thebes, and once they arrive there, the Helmet Of Hermes is stolen by a warlord.
Segment four:
J'nia becomes a disciple of Aphrodite, and asks her to make her fall in love. Unfortunately, Aphrodite hooks her up with the warlord's son. Xena, Aphrodite, and Gabrielle rescue her and the Helmet from the warlord's lair by posing as J'nia's parents and a wedding planner. J'nia, however, is recaptued by the zealots along with the Helmet.
Segment five:
The zealots offer the Helmet to the warlord in exchange for his protection. Xena and the warlord fight, until he is defeated and J'nia saved.

Moments Of Subtext:

* Gabrielle pokes Xena's breasts when asking her not to play any practical jokes on her (because it is her birthday.)
* When J'nia mistakes Xena for a god, she wraps herself around her and says "Take thy humble servent, J'nia, to thy bosom."
"Whoa!" warns Xena, "these are spoken for."
* To prove to J'nia that Xena is not a god, Gabrielle pinches her bottom.
* Xena and Gabrielle engage in some nude frolicking at a local pond.
* Gabrielle squeals and giggles when she believes that an eel in her bed is, in fact, Xena.
* Aphrodite greets Xena and Gabrielle with, "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group!"
* Gabrielle gets all excited when she finds out they are travelling to Thebes to see Sappho perform.
* For her birthday, Xena gives Gabrielle a poem she had Sappho write for her: "There's a moment when I look at you, and no speech is left in me. My tongue breaks, then fire races under my skin and I tremble and grow pale, for I am dying of such love, or so it seems to me." Both are overwhelmed by the poem and hug.
* Finally, Xena puts on the Helmet and she and Gabrielle fly off together.

Commentary:
Tons of subtext in this episode. Tons. After that ending, one could probably officially declare them "out of the closet," however I think we all know that the next new episode will put them right back into the land of vague looks. This episode is very fun to watch from a subtext viewpoint though.

Soul Possession

Written by Melissa Blake

Directed by Josh Becker

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:
In modern times, a scroll is found in a sea cavern which reveals that Xena was married to Ares.
Segment two:
Revealing the contents of the scroll at a press conference, the Centre for Historical Accuracy of Key Research in Ancient Mythology tells of a period of time in Xena's life after Adventures In The Sin Trade II and A Family Affair. Xena finds Joxer who is still mourning Gabrelle and drags him on a search for Gabrielle, whom she now knows is alive due to a vision from Alti. Ares appears to her and offers information on Gabrielle if Xena will marry him.
Segment three:
Xena roughs up Ares but he insists that he wants to marry her in front of the Fates, an eternally binding contract. Xena, knowing it is her only way of finding Gabrielle alive, eventually agrees.
Segment four:
Joxer throws Ares a bachelor party where he reencounters Meg, who helps him get over his grief and believe that Gabrielle can be found. Xena, at the wedding, declines to marry Ares and instead throws herself into the lava pit where Gabrielle "died."
Segment five:
Ares saves Xena, and admits that he did the same for Gabrielle and Hope. He also tells Xena that in exchange for saving Hope, he owns Gabrielle's soul. He offers to release her soul if he can have Xena's. He'll let the two of them live out their lives, but he will own Xena's soul for all the rest of time, in her future incarnations. Xena agrees to this and signs a scroll, which she then steals from Ares and hides in the ocean. In the present, Ares arrives to reclaim the scroll and therefore Xena's soul. But Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer are there (in the forms of Harry, Mattie, and Annie Day from the episode "Deja Vu All Over Again") to battle him. Ares is tricked into accidentally blowing up the contract.

Joxer's natural process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Annie tells a couple of hand holding Xena fans that Harry and Mattie got married and they react "Xena and Gabby finally a couple!"
* Harry and Mattie are a very tight couple, and make reference to the joy of their honeymoon.
* Xena explains to Ares why she wants to get married next to the lava pit. "I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I meant to spend the rest of my life with."
* Mattie approaches Annie, who now has Xena's soul. "Xena, no matter how hard Ares has tried he has never been able to break us up."
* Annie tells Mattie, "You know, I liked you better blonde, but I can go with this."

Commentary:
A cute episode that finally tries to deal with events that happened three years ago. I was pleased to see Joxer for one last time. It also reminded me about how good the show used to be, back when I actually cared about the characters. It is good nostalgia.

A Friend In Need part I

Teleplay by R.J. Stewart

Story by Rob Tapert & R.J. Stewart

Directed by Rob Tapert

Episode synopsis:
A monk arrives in Xena and Gabrielle's campsite, claiming he is a messenger from Akemi, a ghost from Xena's past. He tells his story of taking shelter in a teahouse with a brother monk, where three ghosts who are controlled by Yodoshi, Lord of the Darkland, tried to seduce them. His brother monk, once seduced, was absorbed into Yodoshi. The monk was able to escape with the help of Akemi's ghost who charged him with finding Xena in order to destroy this evil, giving him a sacred katana to pass along to Xena.
While travelling to Japan Xena tells Gabrielle of meeting Akemi, many years ago, when she was in the land of Chin with Borias. She heard of a land further to the east, and reclaimed Akemi from her abducter in order to ransom her back to her rich and powerful father. Akemi, however looks upon Xena as a teacher, with eyes full of worship. Arriving in Japan, Akemi, still professing her love of Xena, offers to lead her to her father's fortress. She instead brings Xena to her grandparent's home, so that she can pray to their spirits. Xena, furious at being deceived, almost cuts her head off, but instead Ameki goads her into visiting the local armory and stealing a sacred katana. Later that night, in a bonding moment, Xena teaches Ameki how to do the pinch. Arriving at her father's fortress the next day, Xena and Akemi surprise her father. As Xena fights off his guards, Akemi puts the pinch on her father, Yodoshi, and kills him for murdering her mother, siblings, and grandparents. She then runs herself through and asks Xena to honor her by cutting off her head with the sacred katana.
In the present Xena and Gabrielle arrive at the japanese town of Higuchi, which has been sieged by the armies of Yodoshi. Xena and Gabrielle use the water tower to put out the fires that threaten to consume the town, and the invading army retreats. Xena and Gabrielle are proclaimed heroes until confronted by Ghost Killer, who reveals that the armies attacking the town are the 40,000 souls under the power of Yodoshi, thanks to Xena. When Akemi killed Yodoshi, his soul was too evil even to be accepted into the afterlife. Xena brought Akemi's ashes to the family temple in Higuchi, but was attacked by the townsfolk for dishonoring their graveyard with the ashes of a woman who had commited patricide. Xena, fighting back, started a fire that swept through the town killing 40,000 people. Those souls were then consumed by Yodoshi on their way to the afterlife. Xena vows to Ghostkiller to do anything she can to help undo this torment she was unaware she had caused. Ghost Killer says he has the power to kill Yodoshi, but he is unable to get close enough because he is mortal. Only another ghost can kill Yodoshi.
Xena and Gabrielle share a loving moment before tomorrow's battle against three armies. Xena, who has been very supportive of Gabrielle throughout the episode, letting her take the lead and commenting on her solutions to problems, teaches Gabrielle the pinch so that she will now know everything that Xena knows. She then sends Gabrielle off to a far part of the battlefield before walking off, alone.
To be continued.

Xena and Gabrielle's Flying Circus & Amateur Fire Brigade will be arriving in your town soon.
Moments Of Subtext:

* Akemi tells her captor: "You won't kill me; Xena won't let you, because in her heart she knows that she will soon love me."
* Borias comments on the adulation pouring out of Akemi: "She worships her teacher."
* Commenting on a love poem Akemi gave to Xena, Gabrielle says: "So beautiful. To have written something like that she must have loved you very much."
"The truth is, Gabrielle, she broke my heart."
* Akemi, with Xena, writes a poem in the snow: "In a flurry of snow, two breaths become one and disappear into each other."
* Listening to the sounds around her, Xena says to Akemi: "Your heart is beating harder than normal."
"You're a master of war, yet you know no words to speak of love. And then you go and save my life. There's no greater gift of love a teacher can give a student than that."
* Akemi's last words before Xena beheads her are "Time and love, they go on."
* Xena has Gabrielle put the pinch on her, and as blood trickles out of her nose she says: "Gabrielle, if I only had 30 seconds to live, this is how I'd want to live them; looking into your eyes. Always remember: I love you."

Commentary:
Here we go...the begining of the end. It's hard to find a lot to say about this episode. I love the subtext between Xena and Akemi, especially because when it's over, you realize that Akemi was the one in control the entire time and manipulated Xena to perform what she needed to do. This may be the first time Xena has been the one manipulated (that I can think of.) But because a mojority of the episode takes place in the past, there is not much on Xena and Gabrielle's relationship other than a brilliant and emotional scene between the two of them when Xena finally shows her the pinch and declares her love for her. Everyone is right, there has been very little subtext this season, it has all been maintext. Also, Xena's relationship with Gabrielle in this episode is very "I'm grooming you to be the next me." This leads me to believe that Xena will die in the finale, but that's just a guess.
I also love the nod to the Evil Dead movies with the first person perspective of Yoshido rushing towards the tea house. Thanks guys!
Because of Lucy Lawless' performance, because of the nurturing relationship she suddenly has with Gabrielle, there is this whole quietly sad tone to the episode, which I find wholly appropriate. Maybe it's not even there, maybe it is me projecting onto it, but it is working for me. I am looking forward to next week's episode.

A Friend In Need part II

Teleplay by R.J. Stewart

Story by Rob Tapert & R.J. Stewart

Directed by Rob Tapert

Episode synopsis:
Xena buries her sword and armor and takes off after the armies of Yodoshi. She does a surprisingly good job annihilating them, especially when her chakram ignites their entire supply of greek fire/gunpowder, setting off what is for all purposes a nuclear explosion. But there are 20,000 troops, and not even Xena can defeat that many. After sweeping her area with wave after wave of arrows, a samauri kills the already bloody and beaten Xena.
Xena's spirit, now given form and trapped in this realm by Yodoshi, appears at the tea house where Akemi and other female spirits wait to seduce souls. Yodoshi arrives and beats Xena until she submits to him. Xena leaves the teahouse once he disappears and almost immediately bumps into Gabrielle, who has been searching for her since finding her bloodied Chakram on the battle field. Gabrielle is understandably upset at the situation but agrees to do whatever it takes to bring Xena back from the dead. Ghost Killer tells her that if she brings Xena's ashes to the Fountain Of Strength by sunset tomorrow, Xena's soul will be restored to her body.
Gabrielle sneaks into the camp of the army and finds Xena's bloody, strung up body, sans head. She fights the samauri in order to get it, and easily defeats him. She denies him an honorable beheading, though, and just knocks him out. Gabrielle burns the body to ashes and then heads to Mount Fuji.
Back at the tea house, Xena and Ghost Killer set a trap for Yodoshi. After a fierce battle in which Ghost Killer is fatally wounded, Yodoshi barely escapes with his life. Ghost Killer reveals he is on his way to the Fountain Of Strength to heal himself. Xena arrives there in time to battle Yodoshi, but he manages to drink from the fountain and his returned strength allows him to crush Xena. As she lays suffering, Gabrielle drinks from the fountain and then kisses Xena in order to pass the water to her while Akemi distracts Yodoshi by unsuccessfully attacking him. Xena rises up and battles Yodoshi while Gabrielle fights the samauri again for possession of Xena's ashes. They win their respective fights, and as the last rays of the setting sun sink below the mountain range, Xena prevents Gabrielle from pouring the ashes into the fountain. Turns out that the 40,000 souls liberated from Yodoshi will only pass into a state of grace if their deaths are avenged. Therefore Xena, who is responsible for fire that killed them, must remain dead. As they watch the sunset together, Xena's spirit fades. Gabrielle sails off with Xena's spirit looking over her shoulder to continue the fight for good.

Xena was permanently harmed in the making of this motion picture, but kept her spirits up.
Moments Of Subtext:

* As Xena is killed at the begining of the episode, she screams Gabrielle's name while a montage of subtext moments plays out, obviously showing her dying thoughts.
* Akime, upon seeing Xena, says: "I want to write a verse to express how I feel, but there's no poetry of sufficient beauty."
* Gabrielle's reaction to finding Xena's spirit: "You're my whole life, Xena. I won't lose you."
"You won't lose me," reassures Xena.
* Xena introduces Gabrielle to Akemi: "This is my soulmate."
* Ghost Killer asks Gabrielle: "Would you risk your life for the return of hers?"
"Without hesitation," responds Gabrielle.
* As Gabrielle receives a painful tattoo, Xena lays next to her, holding her.
* Gabrielle's reaction (and this is some BEAUTIFUL acting) to finding Xena's bloody, headless corpse is painful to watch. She falls to the ground, fighting back her urge to retch. Finally she stands up and cries, "Give me her head!" with soul wrenching emotion.
* Another subtext montage plays while Gabrielle cremates Xena's body.
* Gabrielle carries water from the Fountain of Strength to Xena's beaten 'body' by drinking it, then passing the water directly from her mouth to Xena's in a life giving kiss. Very sensual. One image in the kiss is clearly a kiss and not Gabrielle passing water.
* As Xena prevents Gabrielle from pouring the ashes into the fountain they have the following conversation: "That is not right! I don't care. You're all that matters to me."
"Don't you know how much I want to let you do this?" responds Xena. "But if there's a reason for our travels together it's because I had to learn from YOU. Enough to know the final, the good, the right thing to do. I can't come back. I can't."
"I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you?"
"I'll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always."
Xena's spirit then fades away.
* The final shot is Gabrielle sailing away in a boat, with Xena's spirit beside her. "A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edges of the earth," says Gabrielle.
"And to the place I'll always remain: your heart," responds Xena. "So where to now?"
"I think we should go south to the land of the pharoahs. I hear they need a girl with a chakram."
"Where you go, I am at your side."
"I knew you'd say that," says Gabrielle.
Xena kisses Gabrielle on the top of her head, the boat sails away with just Gabrielle standing on the deck, and the final episode ends.

Commentary:
Well, here we go: my final review.
There has been a LOT of discussion about this episode on the net, some good, lots of bad. I understand why most people hate it as much as they do. It is incredibly painful to watch Gabrielle sail off on that boat all alone. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it has. I watched the episode while at my parents' house and when the episode ended I just went on with my day. (My parents, I'm sure, just don't understand why their son has a lesbian webpage other than it's just another entry into the 'Scott is weird' list.) It wasn't until last night, when I was entering the subtext moments into this website, that I found myself sobbing while I typed out their final conversation together. Weird. Not like me. But as rough as the last couple of years have been, I did live with these characters for the last six years, and now they are no longer a direct part of my life. They are in the past.
And yet, I can also undertand why the powers that be ended it the way they did. It is incredibly dramatic and moving, one of the more emotional moments I have seen on tv, and I am always pleased when tv can produce a strong emotion. I also undertand that given the history of the show, there was no way Xena could find that final redemption she has always sought except for in her own death. It seems to me to be thematically consistent. And even more tha ndoing the right thing, she has passed the mantle to Gabrielle, so that good will continue to be commited in her name.
But man, that last scene tears me up.
I enjoyed the episode as a whole. I liked the air of sadness that permeates both this and the previous episode. I like the drama that such extreme situations provide. And because of this, you will find no better acting anywhere on tv than what Renee O'Connor does in this episode. It is absolutely amazing. She breaks my heart every time I think of Gabrielle's reaction to Xena's decapitated body. And the last scenes...what can I say? She, I am certain, will have a long and prosperous career after this show if she so chooses.
It has been a fun six years, I thank you all for coming and reading and writing me such wonderful emails. But for me, the fun doesn't stop now. I will first do a cosmetic upgrade of Xena: Warrior Lesbian to a professional design, rather than the cheesy amateur page you are looking at now. (Don't worry, same content!) I will slowly revisit all the reviews and improve the ones I don't like. But most importantly, I will use this page to take a step forward. I am hoping to use the lessons put forward in Xena and use this page as a way to fight for good. I hope to include ways we can all be active in the fight for equal rights for homosexuals. More on this soon.
Thank you for all of your emails. Fight the good fight.

Lesbian Subtext in Xena: Warrior Princess Season 6

2009-10-24T23:54:45Z

Warning

There are spoilers here. If you do not want to know what happens in episodes you have not seen, read no further!

Season Six

Coming Home

Written by Melissa Good
Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve are summoned to meet Ares at the Amazon forest. They arrive only to find the forest destroyed, and the Amazons fighting a losing battle against a band of warriors. Xena and the gang join the melee, and the warriors, suddenly outmatched, flee. The local Amazon queen reveals that they are being hunted by the god of war and they could use Xena's help.
Segment two:: "Xena" and Ares converse in his tent. Arss admits that he is having a hard time being mortal; therefore, he is searching for the ambrosia that Artemis told him about in a dream from the other side. "Xena" loves the idea, but rejects Ares' plan to sneak amongst the Amazons and steal it. She instead offers to lead his army and destroy the Amazons. "Gabrielle" also loves the idea. Ares is blissed out by having them finally cross over to his side. Meanwhile, Eve is confronted by an Amazon who recognizes her from somewhere, and insists that she fight for them. Eve declines. "Eve" arrives at Ares' tent, also looking to fight for him. Ares leaves to prepare his troops, and the three reveal themsleves to be the Furies, seeking revenge for the dead Olympians.
Segment three:: The Furies convince Ares that he doesn't need armor in the upcoming war. Xena and Gabrielle arrive in his camp and immediately guess that his odd behavior must be contributable to the Furies. When Ares rides off with his army for the attack, Xena and Gabrielle hustle around them and scout out a pass where they cause an avalanche, delaying the army's approach. An amazon convinces Eve to show her some defensive moves, and finally recognizes her as Livia, "the Bitch of Rome."
Segment four:: Xena and Gabrielle return to the Amazons only to find them about to lynch Eve. The Amazons hate her for not only attacking them, but also selling captive Amazons into slavery. When Gabrielle challenges their queen, she agrees to delay action until after the upcoming war. Xena visits Ares and tries to convince him that the Furies are behind his confusion, but he is too far gone. He rants and raves, attacking the empty air, all in front of his men.
Segment five:: The Amazons confront the army of Ares despite Xena's pleading that they cannot survive. Xena takes matters into her own hands by challenging Ares. The Furies step up their harrassment and it is clear to all the Ares is off his rocker. After whacking him a few times, Xena reveals thta he is now mortal, proof of which is that he now bleeds. She then rides off with Ares in pursuit. His army, now demoralized, retreats. Ares chases Xena up into the mountains while Gabrielle rescues Eve. Xena sends her chakram off while she and Ares fight. He knocks her down into a frozen pond where she drowns. The Furies release their hold on Ares, their vengeance done. The chakram comes spinning back, though, decapitating them. Ares pulls Xena out of the water while Eve piles blankets on top of her and Gabrielle resuscitates her. Later, Ares tells Xena he is still not going to give up on her.

Disclaimer:

Moments Of Subtext:

Xena asks Gabrielle to get info from the Amazons while she goes and checks out Ares' army. As Gabrielle walks away, Xena's gaze lingers, her meaning inconclusive.
There is a lot of sexual suggestion when Ares is with "Xena," "Gabrielle," and "Eve." "Gabrielle" walks in just as Ares and "Xena" are about to kiss. "What are you doing?!" she demands. Later, they both nuzzle Ares simultaneously and he admits, "I could get used to this." Later, embracing all three, Ares says "This just gets better and better!"
When Eve explains why she did not tell Xena about her dealings with the Amazons, Xena admits, "I know how hard it is to say you're sorry, especially to someone you love." She turns to Gabrielle and has a tender "I'm sorry I whacked you with my chakram" moment. "I nearly lost you" she says, briefly caressing Gabrielle's face before the two hold hands.
While the scene is not played tenderly, Gabrielle Is anxious to revive Xena after she drowns. If you are looking for a little mouth to mouth between the two, this may be as close as we get for a long time.

Commentary:

The Sixth and final(?) season opens with this episode penned by popular online fanfic writer Melissa Good. While not one of the Great episodes, there are many things that Melissa does in this episode which I appreciate. The story in general allows the regular actors to have fun with their characters; Lucy and Renee get to play their characters as Furies trying to drive Ares mad, and Kevin gets the biggest opportunity to flex his acting muscle, which he does successfully and makes many scenes in this episode fun to watch. The motivation of the characters seems well thought out: The Furies wish to avenge the death of their fallen family, they prey on Ares' natural desire to find a way to return to Olympus. I especially like when Ares mentions off hand that he believes the Amazons have ambrosia because Artemis told him so in a dream and we the viewer can safely make the logical leap that this was also the work of the Furies without it being spelled out to us.

However, I wouldn't be me (and I dare say this website would be a lot less interesting) if I didn't have a Few Complaints. Why is every mountain in Greece on the verge of falling over? Avalanches in this show are remarkably easy things to accomplish, requiring just a wee push from Xena's chakram. If I lived in the Xenaverse, I would be terrified of all hills lest one should fall on me. And Xena's relationship with Ares requires a Lot of Faith from the viewer. This has been going on now for Six Years. Six (sometimes) Long Years. There is really nothing new that can be done with this, and it just seems so Unlikely to me that Xena would regard Ares with anything but contempt. And yets she kisses him at the end of this episode! I'm sorry guys, but it has been a long time since I felt anything betwen these two characters. And how many times has Ares tried to kill Xena? Admittedly, she owes him a lot because he saved them all from death in the previous episode, but I would think that at best, that is why she allows him to live.

While writing this review, I was surprised at how simple and...typical the plot was. Considering that I had such a positive reaction to the episode, especially when compared to Season Five, I was unable to put my finger on what made this episode different from the average, or above average, Season Five episode. That is, until I got an email from Giovanna, and I think she has figured it out: "... last season X&G hardly spoke to one another, so it's about time to clear all the other characters aside and give the floor to X&G."I think that's it. There is a subtle increase in the interaction between the two main characters which was lacking last season. While there is only one scene where they really talk to each other, it is an emotional scene, and Gabrielle is also there for her at the end, actively bringing her back to life. The image of Gabrielle desperately trying to breathe life back into Xena is a good visual metaphor for what this season is all about.

The Haunting Of Amphipolis

Teleplay by Joel Metzger
Story by Edithe Swensen and Joel Metzger
Directed by Garth Maxwell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve arrive at Xena's childhood home only to find it long ago deserted. When they split up to search the place, Xena catches a glimpse of an apparition, while Eve has a vivid experience, with Cyrene's spirit walking through her. When Xena arrives, Eve annouces that Cyrene is dead.
Segment two:: Realizing that the house is haunted, Xena goes to the mausoleum to find answers. There, she encounters an old man who tells her that evil spirits sent by Mephistopholes haunted the house and drove Cyrene mad. The townsfolk eventually burned her as a witch. Meanwhile, in the house, Eve and Gabrielle's food is assaulted by maggots. Eve begins chanting while Gabrielle is tormented by tearing her own flesh off of her hands, then being pulled into the floor, into a pool of filth and half-alive corpses.
Segment three:: Xena rescues Gabrielle from the pit, then everyone helps Gabrielle into the shower to wash off the burning liquid. Eve runs off, only to be tormented by watching the floor ooze with blood. Xena walks away and relives the moment when she brought her brother's corpse home to Cyrene. Gabrielle is turned into a demon. When she attacks Xena, Xena holds her down. She reveals that Mephistopholes needs to spill Eve's blood to be brought into the world where he will reign.
Segment four:: Eve casts the evil out of Gabrielle. While Eve prays beside the pit to hell in the backyard, Xena and Gabrielle's limbs merge. They waddle to Eve so that she can fix them. Xena teaches Gabrielle to do the nerve pinch so that Xena can fight Mephistopholes in the spirit realm, and then be revived. Xena battles him there, but she can only kill gods on earth. Eve is tormented by those she killed. When Xena returns to her body, she decides she will spill Eve's blood and fight Mephistopholes here.
Segment five:: Xena shrugs off the threat that the one who kills Mephistopholes will have to take his place as the ruler of hell. Eve spills her own blood and Mephistopholes rises. After a battle, Xena kills him (of course.) Cyrene's spirit appears and tells everyone how much she loves them.

Disclaimer: No maggots were harmed during the making of this motion picture, although a few were found stuck in Gabrielle's teeth.

Moments Of Subtext:

Everyone participates in washing Gabrielle in the shower. There is even scrubbing!
There is some naked tussling when Demon-Gabrielle attacks Xena.
Demon-Gabrielle licks Xena's hand.
Xena and Gabrielle hug after Gabrielle regains possession of her body.
Xena and Gabrielle are temporarily joined into one body.
Xena lets Gabrielle "kill" her because "I believe in you."
Gabrielle cradles Xena's body after doing the neck pinch.
Gabrielle tenderly brushes Eve's face while Xena is under the pinch.

Commentary:

Most people on the discussion page of this site seemed to really enjoy this episode. I found it to be dumb, dumb dumb. One of my biggest complaints in this episode is Eve. She is just awful here. First of all, she really only has one line: "In the name of Eli and all the powers of heaven, I command this evil spirit to be cast out!" She says this about one hundred times, each time more dramatic than the last. This gets real annoying. And she has other lousy lines, too. When they first arrive, and Eve reacts to how quiet it is, she says "It's as if I can feel the realms of Heaven and Hell taking sides." Really? What must that "feel" like? Hey, girly, it's quiet, okay? Just say so. She later in the episode is "dying" because of all the enthusiastic praying she has been doing. Dying from praying! And secondly, much of this episode is about abusing Gabrielle, when she is not even involved in any of the events of the episode! It seems the only way they could include her character in this plot was for her to be victimized over and over again. Otherwise, the people Mephistopholes is really after are tortured by a few awkward visions.

There are also a lot of just wierd (or stupid) little moments spread throughout the episode. The intro is very heavy-handed and melodramatic. Two arc-angels stand on a cloud looking down at Xena and saying in their deep, biblical voices, "Gosh, I sure hope Xena stops Hell from taking over the earth!" "That's right Bob, that would be Real Bad!" Thanks guys. I think if you erased that scene from the episode we the audience would still pick up the idea that Hell On Earth is a fairly unpleasant thing. Next, Xena and the gang ride up to mom's house after a twenty five year absence, and Xena is surprised things are different? "My mother wouldn't leave this place" says Xena in disbelief. Hello! Wake up and smell the future, Xena! Is it me, or did it take them a long time to notice that the house looked different than normal. They ride into the courtyard, chatting, being happy...wait...wait..Hey! Not only is nobody here, but this place is Messed Up! Get a clue, people. Then, Xena, realizing the place is haunted and they have seen some scary things, announces that she needs to go to the mausoleum alone! Why does she need to do this alone? Who would think of that? And speaking of plot devices, we are expected to buy the fact that there is this guy, who knows the place is haunted, and to avoid dark and stormy nights he hides out in the mausoleum? How stupid is this guy? How stupid are we for buying it?

And let's talk about horror movie cliches. Okay, people normally split up in these type of situations and go their seperate ways. But rarely is it this forced! When they originally split up, okay, that's its own thing. But after Gabrielle has clawed her own skin off, then been dragged into the floor, then burned with Nasty Liquid, then they drag her to the shower...they then just wander away for No Reason! And of course the result is...Another bad thing happens to Gabrielle! Arrgh! Pay attention people! Solitude=bad!

Then there's the inconcistency of the Xenaverse. Eve says of Cyrene, "If she died unabsolved, Mephistopholes would have possession of her soul." Now, let's see...every other culture seems to have their own gods...and the Greek gods have been dead for about two episodes now...so Mephistopholes has (more or less) Everyone. Everyone who has ever died. Except for maybe the few in the Cult Of Eli (cult=small) who were absolved before they died. And Livia herself made sure that most of them died unabsolved.

Part of the resolution to this episode is that Xena allows herself to be killed to defeat the bad guy. Again. Twice in two episodes. What, did they think that we'd forget that she did pretty much the same thing last week, and that it is a stupid plan to begin with? I wonder how Xena will be triumphant next week? I sure hope she (sigh) kills herself again! Wow, who can recover from a cliffhanger like that, week after week!

So yeah, I'm a little disappointed with this week's offerings. As far as I'm concerned, this throws us right back into Season Five. Yeah, there was some skin, but it was irrelevant (exploitational?) I'm tired of Xena fighting god after god after god. Where's the human element?

But then again, there were some more subtext moments here than there has been in a while.

Heart Of Darkness

Written by Emily Skopov
Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Lucifer, an arch-angel, descends from Heaven to make Xena take her place as the ruler of Hell, before the evil spilling from the portal creates a Hell on Earth. He appears to Eve and offers her a chance to say goodbye to her mother. She and Gabrielle have just enought time to warn Xena before he appears and attacks. Xena defeats him.
Segment two:: Eve stops Xena from the kill. Eve sees Xena's heart becoming corrupted by the evil spewing from the hellpit. Xena reveals her plan is to get Lucifer to take her place as ruler of Hell. While she seduces him with drink and promises of power, Gabrielle and Eve must deal with a town that is becoming aggressive and unstable. Virgil shows up and reveals that even he has become corrupted by evil, kicking a wounded villager.
Segment three:: Xena gives Lucifer an egyptian massage, and dissuades him from killing her. Virgil reveals he has come to pledge himself to Xena for power. Xena and everyone in the town turn the local temple into an orgy site. After Lucifer succumbs to lust, Michael shows up.
Segment four:: Michael orders two other arch-angels to attack Xena, and she easily defeats them. When Michael and Raphael attack, they transport Xena to the Hellpit and try to knock her into it. Lucifer arrives and assists them until Xena convinces him to join her side. He fights them back for her. He asks how he can prove himself to her, and Xena asks for his help in killing Eve.
Segment five:: Xena and Lucifer chase Eve through the woods into a temple where she hopes to get some swords with which to defend herself. There she encounters Gabrielle and Virgil, both attempt to stop her. She gets the weapons, but is easily disarmed by Lucifer. As he is about to kill her, Xena reveals that he has now committed all seven deadly sins and is the perfect candidate to take her place as ruler of hell. They fight, and she tosses him into the hellpit.

Disclaimer: All Hell broke loose during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

"You and I have much in common" says Xena.
"Of course we do. You're a mortal female with a lying tongue, savage tendencies, and a blonde girlfriend" responds Lucifer.
The Dance. Xena and Gabrielle spin slowly around, caressing each other.
While Lucifer and Xena are lip-locking, Gabrielle interrupts them by throwing Xena's jacket at her head. Gabrielle's face shows clear displeasure, and she and Lucifer exhange a look, her's showing irritation, his showing bemusement.
"Lucifer and I need time to work out the terms of our new partnership" explains Xena.
"Partnership?" asks Gabrielle, unhappy.
As Lucifer raises his sword to kill Eve, he is stopped by Xena. "If anyone deserves this historic opportunity, it's Gabrielle" she says.
"Gabrielle?"
"She's been my partner for years. She's shared things with me you could never understand."
Xena tells Eve, as she looks at Gabrielle, "I just hope one day you'll believe as I do in the power of love to save lives."
Xena gives a dirty look to Virgil now that they are all in their proper minds.
Gabrielle expresses her displeasure with Xena's relationship with Lucifer: "You and Lucifer were looking a little...um..."
"Gabrielle, every time I felt myself starting to lose control, I just thought of you. Led me back home."
"Really?"
"Sure."
"Don't go getting all emotional on me, Xena."

Commentary:

First off, this is a subtexter's dream come true. The relationship between Xena and Gabrielle in this episode is not hidden or concealed in any way; it's maintext for cryin' out loud! Verbally and physically. How could anyone deny it after this? Of course, the only way they could justify it to themselves was to make 90% of the episode about Xena making out with Lucifer, and referring to his penis as many times as possible. If you like your lesbianism with a heaping help of heterosexuality, than this episode is for you!

And if you like really bad episodes, this one is also for you.

My biggest problem with this episode is that it is Evil. And oddly enough, I'm not talking about the hellpit, Lucifer, or Satan. I'm talking about Xena. Her motives really bother me in this one. Her plan is simple: 'I knew that if I killed Mephistopholes, I would have to become ruler of Hell. Well, I'll just get someone else to do it!' Hello? That's just wrong! Well, okay, I'll give it to her if she finds someone truely evil enough to deserve it. Well, here comes a guy trying to make her go to Hell. Seems like a bad guy. But why is he doing this? Well, he knows that until she takes her throne, Hell will spill onto Earth, corrupting millions of innocents. He also truely believe that God himself has directed him. So while it seems like he is doing wrong, he is actually acting with honorable intentions. Unless you're Xena.

So Xena spends the rest of the episode corrupting this seemingly pure arch-angel. Her defense is that she is not actually corrupting him, She's just revealing what is already there, but hidden. Um, once again: Hello? Who should know better that this is evil than Xena! She's the queen of the 'I have a buried Dark Side' club. Does that mean that anybody can treat her anyway they want and be justified in doing it? Of course not! Her defense is: 'Hey, he's an arch-angel! It's okay for human's to have a dark side, but for him it's a perversion!' Um, yeah. And then her final excuse is even lamer: She thinks it's what Michael intended. She just destroyed one of God's messengers! Shouldn't she be sure of something like that?

In addition to the odd morality of her corruption, I just was uncomfortable with the way Xena threw herself onto Lucifer the moment he appeared. (Metaphorically AND physically.) It just made me uncomfortable. And not just for Gabrielle's sake either. Sure, one could argue that this was all an act, but how did she come up with the act so quickly? As soon as she saw an angel she had already decided she was going to corrupt him with sex. Maybe she is just defending herself for behaving that way by coming up with her lame excuses why it was necessary?

Everything was so over the top in this episode I found it hard to have a good time watching it. I should be pleased that it also provided over the top subtext, but I just felt so uncomfortable for all the main characters most of the time.

Who's Gurkhan?

Teleplay by R.J. Stewart
Story by Rob Tapert
Directed by Michael Hurst

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Xena, Gabrielle, Eve, and Virgil arrive in Potedeia but find Lila the only member of Gabrielle's family left. Lila explains that eight years ago her daughter, Sarah, was kidnapped by Gurkhan, who brought her to North Africa and made her a member of his harem. Gabrielle's parents and Lila's husband sold most of their possessions and travelled to Gurkhan's walled city to buy her back. Instead, they were beheaded. Gabrielle freaks out. She warns Xena that they are going not only to rescue Sarah, but also sate Gabrielle's need for vengeance.
Segment two:: While travelling to North Africa, Eve tells Gabrielle that killing Gurkhan will not be easy, for he keeps his identity a closely guarded secret. After discussing Gabrielle's death wish with Eve, Xena gives Gabrielle a seasickness potion which knocks her out cold. Taking advantage of the situation, Xena takes Virgil into the city where he sells her as a slave in an attempt to find out Gurkhan's identity. But their plans are thwarted by multiple bidders using Gurkhan's name.
Segment three:: When Gabrielle awakes, she quickly realizes how she has been duped and leaves for the city to continue her original plan. Xena, now a member of the harem, tries to determine which wife is Sarah, but is warned not to ask about the other wives unless she wishes to be punished. The new wives are introduced to the First Wife, a domineering and violent woman. Virgil arrives at Gurkhan's palace and gives Gabrielle to him as a gift. While she dances for Gurkhan, she makes a move to grab a knife. Xena sees this and tackles her to prevent her from making a lethal mistake. Xena is knocked out by Gurkhan's guards.
Segment four:: After being severly tortured, Xena is questioned on her actions. She confesses that she is jealous of the other wives and yearns to be the First Wife. After being returned to the harem, she is later called for to dance for Gurkhan. After doing so, she asks Gurkhan for Sarah's head on a plate. He acquiesces and the First Wife is lead away.
Segment five:: Xena is brought to Gurkhan's bedchamber where she suggests that Gabrielle join them. She then subdues Gurkhan and hands Gabrielle a dagger with which to finish the job. Gabrielle finds that she is unable to go through with it. Together they release Sarah, who mourns to Gabrielle over the person she has become. Gurkhan is left in Sarah's cell and is decapitated as her by the guards for a scarf and veil cover his features.

Disclaimer: Xena's uncanny ability to recover from devastating wounds was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Xena has an inscrutable expression as she watches Gabrielle dance for Gurkhan.
While she is being tortured, Xena has visions of Gabrielle caressing her face and dancing for her.
The look on Gabrielle's face when they drag Xena's recently tortured body back into the harem is profound. She then runs over to the body and holds it.
There is an overhead shot of the members of the harem preening each other.
As a servant girl to the harem tends to Xena's wounds, Gabrielle rubs Xena's arm.

Commentary:

I liked this episode. Sure, there were somethings wrong with it, but it is so pleasant to finally get away from gods and saving the entire world and deal with a personal, character driven episode. I disagree with the basic premise of the episode, that Gabrielle would blindly crave blood like she does. To me, this is a betrayal of her character. Obviously the direction of her character has given her a more agressive, violent personality, but given her past, I believe that she should have had an internal struggle with her emotions before she was on top of Gurkhan with a dagger poised for the kill. But if you accept the premise, then the rest of the story has a very good flow to it, with things happening in a logical and (more or less) realistic manner. The conflict the other character's feel over Gabrielle's behavior is well expressed, yet they treat her with dignity and accept the outcome that she has chosen for herself, with only one attempt made to seriously dissuade her (drugging her.)

What are some of the psychological ramifications of this episode? There is a lot of discussion in the media about whether exposure to violence produces violent people. This episode (in my opinion) supports that theory. Gabrielle's exposure to Xena's lifestyle and an acceptance of that violence has corrupted Gabrielle and added a darkness to her soul. You see, this series has long been about the reformation of evil people. Xena was evil. She is an example that people can change, they can learn from their mistakes; they can be reformed. And Xena and Gabrielle have travelled the known world following that belief; whenever possible they capture evil doers and turn them over to the proper authorities. Xena and Gabrielle do not decide themselves what punishment is appropriate. A good example of this is the episode "Crusader" where Najara has killed possibly hundreds of people, and Xena and Gabrielle turn her over to the local "police." But now the darkness that they speak of in that episode (both Xena and Gabrielle tell Najara that they fear Xena's darkness and what it will do to Gabrielle) has had the impact they feared. Gabrielle stands over Gurkhan, who is incapacitated, helpless. She psychologically tortures him, running a blade over his face, telling him he is about to die for what he has done. While she does not go through with the actually murder, she then beats him, a scene I find comparable to the scene where Gurkhan's soldiers beat an incapacitated Xena. And then the two of them, Xena and Gabrielle, leave Gurkhan in a position where he is killed. They are responsible for his death. If you throw a person into a pit of lions, you have killed that person even though it is technically the lions who finished the job. Gabrielle HAS in fact become Gurkhan, a fate she fears as she decides whether to murder him or not. So the title of this episode can refer not only to Gurkhan's inisistence on anonymity, but also the darkness that now resides in Gabrielle.

I feel uncomfortable for some of the minor characters in this episode. Poor Virgil. He has the unpleasant duty of being the wacky comic relief in this very serious and dark episode. And unfortunately for him, he does not pull it off well at all. I find it hard to blame him, for who could do anything with that kind of material or role in this episode? Eve also leaves me uncomfortable. Maybe it's me; I have trained myself to always be watching for subtext and have grossly overheightened my "lesbian awareness." But there is a scene with Eve cuddling with Xena on the boat... and there is just something about the way the scene is played by Eve that makes me all sorts of "Ewwwwww."

Legacy

Written by Melissa Good
Directed by Chris Martin-Jones

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Xena and Gabrielle are lost in a sandstorm. After finding shelter in an oasis, they hear the sounds of a nearby fight. They quickly arrive to help a group of locals who are defending themselves from nomads. During the battle, Gabrielle takes a moment to stop herself from delivering a killing blow. After the fight, the locals accuse Xena of being an imposter. When Xena proves herself with a chakram demonstration, the locals bow down to her.
Segment two:: While being presented gifts, Xena and Gabrielle are asked to join the nomads in their battle against the Romans. They believe that the legends of Xena and Gabrielle will have a unifying effect on the various nomadic tribes. Visitng another tribe, they successfully orchestrate a union. Gabrielle befriends the leader's son and promises to teach him her defensive fighting. Dressed as a roman noblewoman and slave, Xena and Gabrielle learn that three legions are poised to attack the nomads. On their way back to their army, they become lost in a sandstorm. Gabrielle kills a shadowy figure sneaking up on Xena; it is the nomadic leader's son, and his 'weapon' was merely a scroll.
Segment three:: Xena returns the body to camp and explains that Romans killed the boy. Xena returns to Gabrielle and explains that she couldn't tell the truth; if the nomads find out Gabrielle is the murderer, they will kill her. The nomads arrive with a Roman they have captured, and whom they plan to torture and kill for the murder. Unable to let that happen, Gabrielle confesses.
Segment four:: Gabrielle is shackled and kept next to the body. After being hit and cursed by the father, Gabrielle tortures herself over her moral decay. At dawn the nomads bury her in the sand up to her neck. Xena goes to the romans, once again disguised as a noblewoman, and tells them where to find the nomads.
Segment five:: The execution is stopped by Xena and the nearby presence of Romans. Xena and Gabrielle help the nomands plan a defense. As a sandstorm strikes the Roman legions, the nomads and Xena leap out of the ground and strike in the confusion. Gabrielle at one point saves the life of the desert boy's father. Eventually the nomads win the day, and Gabrielle is forgiven.

Disclaimer: Despite severe air turbulence, no sand fleas were harmed during the production of this motion picture, although some experienced periodic bouts of motion sickness.

Moments Of Subtext:

Xena and Gabrielle indulge in a little nude bathing while they are visiting the oasis.
Xena and Gabrielle try to hide their disgust with the offer to sleep with a couple of the men in the nomadic tribe. (Okay, okay, the men were revolting but you all know if I didn't mention this I'd get a ton of emails!)
Xena sees the desert boy washing Gabrielle's feet and gives them a disgusted look, then stands and grabs her weapons as if in warning.*
Gabrielle is so overwhelemed with emotion when she sees Xena in danger that she overreacts and ends up killing an innocent.
Xena is desperate to keep Gabrielle from killing herself/being executed. She pleads with Gabrielle not to tell the nomads: "Please! I beg you, please!" There is an amazing amount of emotion in this plea as I don't recall ever hearing Xena beg before.
Xena bonds with Gabrielle over her death wish: "I felt that way once. I thought there was nothing left to live for; I was tired and hurting and I just wanted it to end."
"What changed it for you?"
"You did."
"You saved me today, Xena, against the greater good. Why? Isn't that what we've been fighting for?"
"Gabrielle, in everyone's life there's something that goes beyond the greater good. It's what you are in my life."

Commentary:

Right on! This is what it's all about to me. Gabrielle and Xena were the most boring couple when they were equals, almost mirror images of each other. That's one of the reasons Season Five sucked so much. Most people have described their relationship in that season as "business partners." This episode is a return to themes brought up in Season Four, themes I really loved. Last week I talked about the conflict Gabrielle should be having with her new found violence, and here it is. Thank you Melissa Good!

This is one of the few things that I am proud of in Xena. Or at least I was proud of it until the theme disappeared for over a year. You have what is on the surface a show about scantily clad women running around defending the weak with occasional strays into sophomoric humor. Not much to look at is it? As far as I can tell the appeal of the show has been with a relationship between the main characters that they are too cowardly to clarify, and a theme that is somewhat subversive: this show about violence can be really uncomfortable with that violence. Xena is trying to make up for her past. Gabrielle is trying to not become Xena. Main antagonists are those who promote violence (Ares, warlords). This is what redeems the show in my eyes from being another run of the mill action show. I mean, do we really watch it because it is Walker Texas Ranger meets Baywatch? I hope not.

One of the other things I liked in this episode was that it was rich with history. I believe that shows like the X-Files and Buffy The Vampire Slayer are successful not just because they are well written, but also because they reward long time fans with a progressive complexity. All episodes seem to build up from previous ones. This is why if you watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer you see the "Previously on Buffy The Vampire Slayer" montage which sometimes goes back four seasons! Yet the way the show is written, you are not required to see previous episodes to enjoy the current one. Xena has focused more on the stand alone episodes. They don't really mention or build up from previous episodes the way these other series do. This one, however, does reference back to several other ones. Gabrielle has a nice montage while she waits to be executed. Though the one odd thing that annoyed me is a montage should not include scenes that already happened in tonight's episode! We just saw it; we haven't forgotten what occured a few minutes ago! And of course (and I hope this continues) this episode has the return of Gabrielle's staff!

Let's all agree that I don't live in the desert. I never have lived in the desert. I have never even been to the desert. But I have a big problem with the nomads being able to predict a sandstorm by the position of the sun in the sky. Um, hello? This just can't be right. Sandstorms cannot possibly occur everyday, everywhere in the desert, whenever it's 4 o'clock.

*Thanks to Kat for the sharp eyes!

The Abyss

Written by James Kahn
Directed by Rick Jacobson

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Virgil and his companion flee through the forest from a tribe of warriors. The warriors capture and drag Virgil's friend back to their village. Xena and Gabrielle arrive at Virgil's campsite only to find it deserted, with blood everywhere. Virgil creeps up to the tribe's village only to see them cooking his friend.
Segment two:: Virgil, running away from the village, sets off an alarm and is quickly captured but the cannibals. Xena and Gabrielle are also attacked as they search downstream for Virgil. Gabrielle hesitates long enough to get stabbed and thrown in the river. Xena dives in after her, but Gabrielle's foot gets caught on a branch and she is dragged under.
Segment three:: Xena finds Gabrielle and drags her to a nearby cave. Gabrielle recovers, and Xena pries a piece of sword out of her side. As Xena cares for her, Gabrielle grows feverish and hallucinates back to when Xena was hunting her and Hope. When her fever breaks, Xena lashes her to her back and climbs the cliff in the rain. She tells Gabrielle to not be afraid, she will come for her, and then calls out to the cannibals and hides. The cannibals arrive and take Gabrielle back to their village.
Segment four:: While Gabrielle is treated by the cannibals for her wound, Xena scouts out the village in a uniform and mask she stole from two sentries she defeated. She spends the next day building a dam. Gabrielle, meanwhile, heals and is taken into the village, tied up, and covered with mud (and possibly herbs and spices.)
Segment five:: Xena arrives and fights off the whole village while the others make their escape. Xena leads the tribe to the dry side of the dam that she has constructed. Gabrielle eventually cuts the vine holding the dam together, and all the cannibals are killed as Xena jumps to safety.

Disclaimer: Virgil's appetite was suppressed during the making of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle is still wracked with guilt for killing an innocent from the previous episode: "Xena, if I had listened to my heart do you think that boy would still be alive?"
"You did listen to your heart. You thought he was going to kill me. Your heart said to protect me."
Xena kisses Gabrielle's hand as Gabrielle halucinates about Hope, saying "I love you. I would never hurt you; you know that, don't you?"
Gabrielle confesses to Xena, "Xena, I have a last request."
"I don't want to hear it."
"Not, I'm serious. You don't want to know?"
"What is it then?"
"I don't want to be buried with the amazons."
"Alright. Well, in fifty years when the time comes..."
"Xena, I want to lie with you, with your family in Amphipolis."
"What about your family?"
"I love them, but I'm a part of you. I want it to be like that forever."
During the above speech, Xena caresses Gabrielle's face and they hold hands. Xena kisses the top of Gabrielle's head.
Soon afterwards Gabrielle says "Any path is okay, Xena, as long as it's with you."
When Gabrielle is captured by the cannibals, Virgils promises her that he will rescue them. Gabrielle merely says "Be ready when Xena comes." Her faith is with Xena, not any man.*

Commentary:

My goodness the subtext is out of control in this episode! The moments between Xena and Gabrielle in the cave are as intimate as it gets. Never have I felt this happy about the direction of their relationship. Here it is barely subtext, it is maintext! I just hope that this loving continues through the rest of the season. This looks to be the best subtext season ever!

I was a little disappointed to see that Gabrielle and her staff have not had a permanent reunion. She is back to her sai in this episode. She also comes to terms with the mistakes she has made and confirms that her path is with Xena and always will be. I can handle that with episodes like this.

The cannibals make really good villains in this episode as they are totally nasty looking and as vicious as they come. They make the Horde seem like little girls. But I have to admit that when the episode began and I saw all these people running around with pig heads, I thought that they had finally made a great looking monster. But then they just turned out to be masks. And these guys need some better fighting skills. Biting people during combat? That seems a little too close contact to be effective. Are their appetites really that out of control, or were they just trying to freak out their prey? Now, I don't know squat about being in a real fight, but I think I would not want my head that close to my enemy.

Some other odd things in this episode: Virgil goes crashing through the trees, panicking after seeing that the cannibals have cooked his chum. He trips over a wire, startling a bird which attracts the attention of the cannibals. Now, how did they heard the bird call but completely miss him knocking over trees while stumbling away? Must be selective hearing. When Xena brings Gabrielle's drowned body into the cave, I keep hearing wolf howls in the background. It seems to me to be an odd sound effect choice for a watery cave. And how does Xena revive Gabrielle from drowing? (Glad you asked!) She pats her face, and Gabrielle rouses herself, spitting up all the water she inhaled! Who would have thought it would be so easy?! Our heroines have become so adapted to dying that they are immune to it! And somebody tell Joseph LoDuca to calm down with the music while Xena is building her dam. Sounds like the Olympics or perhaps Braveheart is going on somewhere just off camera!

*Thanks Raquel!

The Rheingold

Written by R.J. Stewart
Directed by John Fawcett

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: 35 years in the past, Xena battles a gigantic monster while boasting that he cannot win while she possesses a certain ring (which she is wearing.) She corners him in a cave and chains him in there, but he manages to steal the ring. Vowing that he will never escape to use its powers, she climb onto her horse and rides off into the sky. In the present, a man named Beowolf intorduces himself to Xena, and shows her the lock she had used to chain the monster, now broken open.
Segment two:: Xena becomes moody but is unwilling to talk about it with Gabrielle. When Gabrielle wakes up the next morning, Xena has left a note saying that she is going on a mission from which she does not expect to return. Gabrielle follows her anyway, to Scandinavia. There she encounters a woman who tells her of Xena's past as a Valkyrie. She had ridden to Scandinavia from Chin, and encountered Odin who had crucified himself because he could not stand the endless conflict that is life. Xena teaches him to embrace that conflict. He learns from her lust for life and makes her one of his Valkyrie. She quickly comes into conflict with Odin's former lover, Grinhilda. Xena convinces some men to fight to the death against superior numbers in Odin's name. When they die, she does not escort their souls to rest in Valhalla. Grinhilda chastizes her, but Odin takes Xena's side.
Segment three:: In the present Gabby is attacked by a woman who wants to prove that she can fight alongside Xena. Acknowledging that she and Gabrielle may be equals, she continues the story of Xena's past. Odin teaches Xena magic, but she hungers for more power. She expresses her love for Odin and asks for information on the Rheingold. Grinhilda confronts Odin and explains that Xena now seeks the Rheinmaidens so that she may have the ring. Odin gives command of the Valkyries back to Grinhilda and they hunt down Xena. After an aerial fight, Grinhilda and Xena fall to the earth.
Segment four:: Both Xena and Grinhilda survive the fall. Xena knocks out her opponent and rides off. She finds the Rheinmaidens and befriends them. She convinces one of them to show her the location of the Rheingold. She then knocks out the maiden and swims off. She forges the gold into a ring. In the present, Gabrielle mentions Beowolf and the raven lock to her friend. Her friend instantly realizes why Xena must have returned, and that it is a suicide mission.
Segment five:: In the present, Xena and Beowolf fight Grendel. Gabrielle eventually arrives only to find that Grendel bested them both and dragged away Xena.

Disclaimer: No flying horses were harmed during the making of this motion picture, although several villages were bombarded with aerial manure.

Moments Of Subtext:

Xena is unwilling to discuss with Gabrielle why she is leaving. "I'm not trying to shut you out. You know our friendship is the most important thing in my life. But in this case--"
When Gabrielle wakes the next morning, she finds a message that Xena has left, signed with a kiss.
In the note, Xena says "Whatever happens, know that my love for you is endless."
Gabrielle follows Xena on her suicide mission, once again stating that "her path is my path."
Gabrielle reacts to the stories of Xena as a Valkyrie. "Poor Xena."
"Poor Xena? You haven't been listening very well, have you?"
"Xena thought that she could live without love. I know that she can't because she's my friend."
The Rheinmaidens and Xena frolick in the water with tons of subtext. The maidens each profess their love for Xena. One even swims under her and Xena reacts to something done to her underwater, and the maiden comes up giggling.
As a reward for showing her the Rheingold, Xena tells one of the maidens, "I can play with you all day."
As they swim towards the Rheingold, Xena grabs one of the maidens in an underwater embrace.
Gabrielle and her friend discuss Xena. "You love her very much, don't you?"
"She's my best friend. I know her like I know my own heart."
"A friendship like that is something to be envied."
"It has a price, like everything."
"A price you love paying."
"Yeah."
Beowolf and Xena discuss Gabrielle. "You miss your friend, don't you?"
"Sure."
"She's very beautiful."
"Yes, she is."
Gabrielle's friend is envious of Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. "I wish I had a friend like you."
"You do," responds Gabrielle, reaching out to her.

Commentary:

The loving in this episode is amazing considering Xena and Gabrielle spend very little time around each other. It is satisfying to see, though, that when they are not together, they are talking about each other.

I don't hate it, but I am a little dissatisfied with this addition to Xena's backstory. Previously, I have loved all of out trips into Xena's past, charting the movement from Evil-Xena to Good-Xena. But being a Valkyrie? Wooing the king of the norse gods? That's just a bit over the top for me. (Which is saying a lot considering I accepted that she went to China and learned magic powers there, only to forget how to use them.) Maybe this means she will go to Valhalla the next time she dies. They seem to have run out of all the other afterlifes (that they have mentioned.)

And what is up with Xena's math skills? She claims that the lock she uses on Grendel will hold him for eternity, but instead it lasts a mere 35 years. Xena, that ain't even close! Not by a long shot! But I do have to congratulate the special effects team on the flying horses. They looked a lot better than I thought they would (if I knew that they were coming.) Grendel himself also looks really nifty, though he doesn't move so good.

Grinhilda seems to know what is going on and has a good head on her shoulders, but when she suggests that some soldiers surrender and ask for mercy from beserkers? Does she even know what the word means? And speaking of people who behave oddly, what is with the blonde girl's attack on Gabrielle? This fight makes absolutely no sense. I get the feeling it was put in solely because someone decided they needed an action scene, and they came up with the fastest excuse for one.

And how do Xena and Grinhilda survive their 1,000+ foot fall from their flying horses?

But you just have to love those Rheinmaidens. I haven't seen this much lesbianism since the movie "Go Fish." Once again, I have to proclaim that this season rocks!

But they still seem to have that same editor on staff. For once again we have a flashback to what happened earlier in the episode. I really cannot believe that they think viewers are this dumb. Maybe they needed to pad out the episode so that it was long enough?

The Ring

Written by Joel Metzger
Directed by Rick Jacobson

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Gabrielle, Beowolf, and Brunhilda split up to search for Xena. Gabrielle finds her first. As the others assemble, they realize Grendel has cut off their retreat.
Segment two:: Inside Grendel's lair, Xena fills her companions in on how Grendel was created. After Xena forged a ring from the Rheingold, she was attacked by Grinhilda. Grinhilda stole the ring and nearly defeated Xena, but had not forsaken love and was therefore cursed by the ring to destroy her essence. She turned into Grendel. In the present, Xena lures Grendel into the lair but is trapped with the monster behind a landslide.
Segment three:: Xena kills Grendel and retrieves the ring. She quickly realizes that Grendel is not Grinhilda. Grinhilda is still on the loose. Brunhilda meets up with Odin, revealing that she is really a Valkyrie, and he reprimands her for not killing Xena and stealing the ring. He sends the rest of the Valkyrie to fight Xena. During the melee Brunhilda captures Gabrielle.
Segment four:: Odin arrives and reveals that he wants the ring to protect himself from other gods and godkillers. Xena and Beowolf escape and follow Gabrielle. Odin teams up with Grinhilda and together they and the Valkyries attack Xena. Beowolf is quickly wounded, and knowing she is outmatched, Xena puts on the ring knowing it will destroy her essence.
Segment five:: Xena easily defeats everybody and flips away, looking for Gabrielle. When Brunhilda encounters her, though, the curse has occured. Xena no longer knows who she is or has any memory of Gabrielle. Xena gives the ring to Brunhilda, drops her weapons and wanders away. Brunhilda gives the ring to Gabrielle and turns herself into an eternal flame around her to protect her.

Disclaimer:Gabrielle's popularity soared during the making of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

When Gabrielle finally finds Xena, they embrace and Gabrielle says, "Don't ever leave me again."
Brunhilda confesses, "Xena, I have waited my entire life to meet you."
Xena tells Brunhilda, "Well, I've gotten a lot smarter since then. I've learned to respect life, love, and peace."
"Why, what happened?" asks Brunhilda.
Xena exchanges significant glances with Gabrielle. "Lot's of reasons," she answers.
"Gabrielle, I know better than to try to talk you into leaving," remarks Xena, "But you two should go; live to fight another day. This is my battle."
"Our battle," corrects Gabrielle.
"I won't leave Gabrielle," retorts Brunhilda.
During their attack on Grendel, Gabrielle is hit and Brunhilda goes beserk trying to protect her.
Gabrielle explains to Brunhilda: "There's fighting for what you believe in, for people that you love." (Xena looks at Gabrielle)
"You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle," confesses Burnhilda.
(Xena rolls her eyes.)
Xena becomes jealous of Brunhilda's obvious attraction to Gabrielle.
Odin confronts Brunhilda: "My ravens, they tell me you've fallen in love with her partner. Is it possible you thought that killing Xena would kill any chance you had with Gabrielle?"
"Those mangy stoolpigeons."
Odin instructs his Valkyrie: "She has a weakness: her partner, Gabrielle."
Brunhilda revals why she has captured Gabrielle for herself: "Is Xena all you think about?"
"Xena's my family. She's the most important thing in my life."
"Gabrielle, listen to me: I bring to Valhalla the bravest warrior slain in battle. Heroes. But your heart has more truth and courage than any that I've seen. The beauty inside you burns like a star, Gabrielle. I was supposed to betray you and Xena, but I couldn't. Not now. You've changed me. You've opened my eyes and you've changed me the way you changed Xena."
"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."
"I defied my god for you, Gabrielle!"
Later, Gabrielle tries to explain the situation to Brunhilda:"Xena and I have a connection. It's stronger than either one of us. We're soulmates."
"My love is strong; I can feel it."
"I'm trying to tell you that Xena and I are meant to be together. We didn't make it that way; it just is."
"I can see your heart lies with Xena, but I'll prove to you which one of us deserves your love."
Brunhilda wants to prove herself to Gabrielle: "They're gonna kill her before I get a chance to prove my love for you!"
"What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're gonna shed blood for what? For me? You call that love?"
Brunhilda reveals what has happened to Gabrielle: "Xena put on the ring."
"No!"
"And she lost what she values most: you."
Brunhilda gives the ring to Gabrielle: "This ring is too powerful to fall into undeserving hands. And so are you. I'll become an eternal flame for you. Only your true soulmate will be able to pass through the fire."

Commentary:

Wow, what can I say? Just look at all the subtext in this episode! In fact, this episode goes further than any other episode, for unlike The Crusader where Njara develops a 'thing' for Gabrielle which is subtextual, Brunhilda in this episode clearly falls in love with Gabrielle in a maintextual way. There is no skirting the issue in this one, this is the first instance of an out lesbian on Xena. This is one of those historic episodes, a milestone. And Gabrielle's responses to this affection are perfect. It is not that she has a problem with Brunhilda's advances, it is that they come into conflict with her relationship with Xena.

Poor Beowolf. For such a mythic figure, he sure comes across as a bit of a wuss. For one thing, what is the source of his respect and love for Gabrielle? He has barely spent any time around her! He mentioned this love in the previous episode, and he had never spoken to her, he had merely seen her eating at a table in a tavern from afar. He also gets the stuffing beaten out of him. We get no display of extraordinary prowess from him. Unless you count that line where they are searching for Xena, and he finds her blood on a tree. How can he tell Xena blood from other kinds of blood? Either he is really perceptive, or he is just stuck with bad lines.

And speaking of poor displays of fighting skill, what is wrong with poor Grinhilda? During the flashback, she throws away every possible advantage during her fight with Xena. She decides she is going to put on the ring to gain brief super-powers. So she announces that this is what she'll do. She then spends a few minutes with her hand and the ring poised to put it on while she discusses the situation with Xena. THEN she puts the ring on. But her advantages aren't completely blown, for Xena does not press the attack. She stands there and allows Grinhilda to do this, then waits while the ring takes its effect, THEN attacks.

There are some good inside references/jokes in this episode. Xena's comment to Grendel: "Come get some" is right out of Army Of Darkness (a Rob Tapert production) and Gabrielle's acknowledgement to Xena that "I never listen" when Xena asks her why she didn't do what she was told.

I would like to now officially declare this the best subtext season ever, even though we are a mere eight episodes into the season. Even if they stopped right here and did fourteen different versions of The King Of Cons, they have earned major kudos from me for what they have done so far.

scottyquick @ 2009-10-24T18:48:00

2009-10-24T23:49:32Z

Season Five: Part Two!

Amphipolis Under Siege

Written by Chris Black

Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: Toll guards on the road to Amphipolis are attacked by a group of warrior women, who are turned back when Xena suddenly appears and attacks them. Ares arrives and tells Xena that the women were under the command of Athena. Athena marches an army towards Amphipolis vowing to kill Xena's child.

Segment two: Xena and Gabrielle arrive in Amphipolis and meet Xena's mom. Ares arrives in Athena's camp. Athena reveals that she is not attacking because she believes that the village is loyal to her and will deliver up the child. However, Eli's message has arrived in the village and the villagers are willing to help Xena. Athena arrives and tries to sway them, but they all start singing as a means of showing their unity. The villagers, lead by Gabrielle, launch a strike against Athena's best warriors. Meanwhile, Xena brings troops under the battle via the ubiquitous tunnels, but is stopped by Ilainus.

Segment three: Ilainus, Athena's second in command, blows up the tunnels. Gabrielle and her army retreat. Xena turns down a plan to sneak away. Athena's warriors carry out an arrow attack. Athena visits Xena. Xena offers to fight it out, one on one, but Athena turns her down because she is not interested in the possibility of losing. Xena calls on Ares and offers herself if he will fight beside her.

Segment four: Xena launches herself at Ares' face, but he smells a trap and won't fall for it. Gabrielle rallies the villagers when their spirits are down, then calls for Ares. She warns him not to accept Xena's proposal for it will destroy the good person that Xena is. This is all the prodding he needs. He asks Athena to call of the attack but she will not. At his temple, he accepts Xena's plan, but as they are about to do the nasty, an explosion knocks a wall down and Cyrene catches them at it.

Segment five: Gabrielle has launched an attack against Athena's army. Xena leaves Ares and marches out with her baby in her arms. The armies stop fighting and Athena's pulls back. Xena gives the child to Athena, but Ares prevents her from killing the baby. Ares and Athena fight as the villagers launch a surprise attack. Xena kills Ilainus. Athena and her army retreat. Ares discovers that he saved a doll; Eve was never in danger.

Disclaimer: Post Production was under siege during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

When Ilainus returns to Athena wounded after her first meeting with Xena, Athena heals her, and then caresses her face while saying "You have my favor Ilainus. Always." Whoa! Athena, the goddess of Wisdom is the most aggressive lesbian we've seen this season!

When Ares originally tries to council Athena, Ilainus stops him. "Athena doesn't need your help."
"Nor any man's it would seem," comments Ares.

Ilainus comments to Athena: "If Xena commands half the loyalty you do, my goddess, Gabrielle would surely lay down her life to ensure Xena's escape."
"I don't doubt Gabrielle's willingness to die, only Xena's willingness to lose her," returns Athena.

As Ares and Athena battle, Athena asks "What's the matter, bro? Worried about your girlfriend?"
"Me? No. Worried about yours?"

As Ilainus lies dying, she asks, "Do I still have your favor, Athena?"
"Always," responds Athena. It is the death of this woman so important to Athena which ends the entire battle. Athena bends over and kisses the body as they both vanish.

At the end, Gabrielle asks "Did you and Ares...?"
"No."

When Ares finds out he doesn't get to sleep with Xena because of the doll trick, Gabrielle gives him what I will call a Super-Smug look.

As Cyrene figures out the ploy they used on Ares, she says, maternally, "What am I going to do with you two?"

The final dialogue gets more playful as they go on: "Xena, did you say that you felt something?"
"No."
"No, I think I heard you, you said you felt something."
"Gabrielle, I said no such thing."
"Oh, really."
"Maybe a little something."
"What?!"

Commentary:

I have to say how excited I was to find out that Athena is a dyke! Good for them for FINALLY having some subtext/maintext in an episode. Chris Black is my new hero.

At the begining, Xena has beaten and knocked out all of the warriors attacking the toll guards. When Ilainus decides they should withdraw, she whistles and everybody jumps up and they all run away. What, were they just pretending to be beaten and unconscious?

Xena uses her nerve pinch to help the toll guard with the pain of having an arrow sticking out of his chest. But then she violently rips it out THE WRONG WAY to see what the design on its head is. How rude!

What is with the singing to piss off Athena? Man, that looked stupid.

Does EVERY village in Greece have a network of tunnels underneath it? Greece must be the most topographically unstable land ever.

When a villager is complaining about risking his life to save Xena's child he points out "Athena's always protected us." This line made me laugh out loud. Since when has Athena spared the people of Amphilpolis? How many times has this town been threatened in the five years this show has been on? How many of the villagers died to serve Xena's bloodlust when she was Evil Xena? How many people have used Amphipolis against Xena? And they consider themselves lucky and spared? What a bunch of nutters.

Apparently to summon a god like Ares, all you need to do is just shout his name like Gabrielle does. Man, he's easy to get in touch with.

This army is even more lousy than the ones in the previous episode. They give up here not when their leader is killed, but when the second in command is!

Married With Fishsticks

Written by Kevin Maynard

Directed by Paul Grinder

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: Gabrielle is having trouble taking care of Eve, complaining about her inability to be a mother. While she and Joxer fetch baby food they get caught in a firefight between Aphrodite and Discord. A dislodged pulley clocks Gabrielle on the head and she falls into the water...only to wake up as a mermaid married to someone who looks like Joxer with three mutant kids.

Segment two: Gabrielle's "husband" is Hagar, a sexist politician who is drugging her to perpetuate her amnesia because she looks like his wife, Crustacea, who left him, and a stable family is important to the council to which he wants to be elected. Gabrielle is introduced to her three children: Flipper (looks like a seal,) Urchin (looks like an urchin,) and Row (a squid.) Gabrielle bonds with Row while trying to do some house cleaning, but is interrupted by Crabella and Sturgina, who are in cahoots with Hagar. But as they want him for themselves, they bring her to "The Club" and try to convince her that she was leaving Hagar because the kids are out of hand. It is for this reason that Gabrielle decides to stay. But after she returns home, the kids tie her up and dunk her in a pool with a shark.

Segment three: With Row's assistance, Gabrielle escapes from the shark, but as a new woman. She now commands respect and discipline from her children, and will not tolerate chauvanist and patronizing behavior from Hagar. In the best moment of the episode, Hagar tells Gabrielle the story of how they supposedly met. (Think Saturday Night Fever meets Lolita.) Crabella and Sturgina, jealous of Gabrielle, lure her to the poolside at "The Club" where an octopus they have unleashed attacks her.

Segment four: Gabrielle defeats the octopus with a paring knife. She returns home where Hagar has apparently become a reformed man. He has provided dinner, is polite, and brings her to the Coral Gardens where he originally proposed to her, and does so now for a second time. At the marriage ceremony things don't go as planned. Hagar has guilt over his lies, and Gabrielle begins to have flashbacks because Crabella and Sturgina have replaced her "medicine." Amidst this, Gabrielle's memory returns to her.

Segment five: Hagar comes clean with Gabrielle, and his apology is honest; he HAS reformed. Crabella and Sturgina, however, are not interested in happy endings. They jealously battle each other for Hagar's attention, until Gabrielle decides to beat the stuffing out of them herself. Gabrielle says goodbye to the kids, now polite young children, and Hagar, who is going to try to win his real wife back. As they kiss goodbye...Gabrielle wakes up after being resuscitated by Joxer. Aphrodite and Discord are warned off by Xena, and as Gabrielle walks towards the camera comforting Eve, with whom she is now comfortable, we see that she still has the wedding ring on.

Disclaimer: No Sea Nymphs or other Inhabitants of the Deep were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle has a series of flashback which remind her of her real identity. They are all of Xena.

When Xena encounters Gabrielle and Joxer kissing, she asks, disgusted, "You want to tell me something, Gabrielle?"

Commentary:

If you have seen this episode, then I am sure you know the dread I felt when I thought about watching it AGAIN in order to write this review. Admitting that it is abysmal, and profoundly stupid, it wasn't as bad as it should have been the second time through. (Unlike "Lyre, Lyre...") Now, I create my own torture by trying to inflict some sort of logic on Xena: Warrior Princess, but here I go: How does a human male and a mermaid spawn a half seal, a half urchin, and a squid? Was Hagar lying when he said they weren't adopted? And speaking of logic, when these three kids have their mother dangling in a shark tank, did you notice where the trap door was? It was in the couch. Why would one buy a couch with a trap door in it, even in an alternate reality? I guess it is a conversation piece for when guests are over. One great moment in this show is the flashback to Hagar and Crustacea's first meeting. I have to say, I laughed. In fact, I think given the script, Ted Raimi does a great job in this episode. His line after kissing Gabrielle had me laughing out loud. Great delivery. ("What are you doing?" "Well, apparently just what you've always wanted.") But one should notice that Joxer is wet when he resuscitates Gabrielle. Presumably he dove into the water and rescued her, but with his armor on? Is even Joxer THAT dumb? And why did Gabrielle still have the ring on? Come on, writers! But what I think we must keep in mind after this episode is this: as bad as it is, it is just a pothole in the rocky road that is season five, and not the abyss that "Lyre, Lyre..." was. ("Two and a half miles, straight down.")

Lifeblood

Teleplay by R.J. Stewart, George Strayton, & Tom O'Neil

Story by Rob Tapert & R.J. Stewart

Directed by Michael Hurst

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: Gabrielle is bringing Xena and Eve to her tribe so that she can give Eve her Right Of Caste. But they arrive to find the Amazons in mourning and lighting funeral pyres, one of which is for Yakut. As her body is lit, her spirit rises and gives Xena a vision of battles and violence.

Segment two: Gabrielle needs to take her place as queen before she can transfer her Right Of Caste. Xena, left out of the ceremony because she is not an Amazon, is summoned by Yakut. Yakut reveals that she cannot cross over to the Land Of The Dead with her life work unfinished. She reveals that the Amazons are in danger and the key lies in the past. The history of the Amazon people are revealed to Gabrielle during her ceremony: in the original tribe, all the men had been killed by cannibals. Female warriors such as Samsara steal a dagger from the cannibals and use it to summon a savior from the future, an Utma. What they get is a freaked out high school girl, Cyane. When Cyane manages to ride a white horse for a few seconds, the tribe realizes that she IS one of them, and induct her into their tribe by cutting her arm, a ritual repeated in the present on Gabrielle.

Segment three: Gabrielle is asked to embrace the Amazon way, and shown a vision of the past, the Amazons battling the cannibals. She is asked to lead the tribe in their quest for vengeance. She refuses and asks to continue to the Right Of Caste ceremony. Yakut and Xena, meanwhile, have summoned the Utma dagger with which they can bring visions of the past into the present. They see a vision of Samsara challenging the original Cyane to a race, during which Cyane falls into a river but is rescued by one of the cannibals, with whom she falls in love. Samsara arrives and attacks him, but Cyane prevents her from killing. Samsara demands Cyane's death. Yakut and Xena realize that this bloodlust has infected the tribe and perverted their purpose all these years. Xena races to prevent Eve from being initiated into this curse with the sacrifice of a white horse during the Right Of Caste ceremony.

Segment four: The sacrifice is stopped by Xena who shows them more visions of their past: Cyane is captured by the canniabls, but the cannibal with whom she has fallen in love refuses to kill her. Then Samsara leads the Amazons to her rescue. It is revealed that Samsara's bitterness is the result of watching the cannibals kill her father, and now she is filled with vengeance. The vision is interrupted in the present by the Amazons who are still eager for this vengeance. Yakut begs Xena to stop them.

Segment five: Xena begs the modern Cyane to listen to her, because she owes Yakut (Yakut took an arrow for her.) The ancient tribe of Amazons lure the cannibals out into the open, and then attack them with a cavalry charge, wiping them out. But Samsara is unwilling to finish it there. She wants to continue and "slaughter them like sheep." The present Amazons are ashamed of their past and vow only to fight to save lives. Eve is initiated with water, and Yakut is free to cross into the Land Of The Dead.

Disclaimer: Warning: The Surgeon General cautions performing Weird and Grotesque Amazon rituals may be hazardous to your health.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle talks about her desire to give Eve her Right Of Caste: "Xena, we're all family. I love her like my own daughter."

Initiating a queen involves the tribe giving her their "spirit kiss," walking around her blowing kisses.

Xena tells Cyane that Yakut died for her "Because she loves you."

The original Cyane dances closely with her Amazon chum.

Commentary:

This is what would normally be called a "clip show" except that the clips they are showing are from an episode that never aired. It is from a series they were going to make called "Amazon High," which for some reason they dropped and made "Cleopatra 2525" instead. Which is a bit of a shame because when I first heard about "Amazon High" I thought it sounded incredibly bad: a modern high school student is transported back in time to the age of the Amazons. But now that I've seen some footage of the show, it's not as bad as I would have thought. I hope that they did not kill off Ephiny so that Danielle Cormack could do "Amazon High," because it looks like this flashback episode will be our last chance to see her. Now, am I losing track of what is happeining in the Amazon world? Wasn't Gabrielle queen of a different Amazon tribe? How does that give her leadership in this one? Another odd thing: Xena is not allowed to attend the Righ Of Caste ceremony because she is not an Amazon?! Hang on, Xena has more claim over this tribe than Gabrielle does. This is the tribe Xena found in "Adventures In The Sin Trade" where she became their shamaness, and trained her successor, Yakut. Now they are denying her membership? And speaking of "Adventures In The Sin Trade," what ever happened to Otere? She was the leader of this tribe, and Yakut was her second in command. But everytime they come back to this tribe, they only deal with Yakut and give no explanation for Otere's disappearance. Much later in the episode, when the Amazons are about to sacrifice the horse, listen as the woman holds the knife against the horse's throat. For some reason, the sound people decided the appropriate sound for this motion was a metallic "chink," like someone drawing a sword out of a scabbard.

Kindred Spirits

Written by George Strayton & Tom O'Neill

Directed by Josh Becker

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: As Gabrielle and Xena discuss the possibility of settling down in the Amazon village, Joxer is brought to Gabrielle for punishment because he peeped on bathing Amazons.

Segment two: In order to toy with Joxer, Xena and Gabrielle pretend to not know him and have him placed in stocks. The next day Joxer is brought before Gabrielle for the traditional Amazon punishment, losing an eye.

Segment three: The Amazon Rhea has her eye on Joxer because she wants a baby, while the Amazon Eris is interested in being Xena's new sidekick. Cyane, meanwhile, is frustrated with Gabrielle's approach to leadership because she wants to do it herself. Gabrielle and Xena go their seperate ways when Gabrielle discovers that Xena is not really interested in settling down.

Segment four: Gabrielle asks Joxer to pledge allegiance to her, for if he does she can pardon him as a first offender. Before his pardon can take place, Rhea frees Joxer so that she can mate with him. But they are found by Cyane and Joxer now must be punished for a more serious crime; he must fight to the death with the queen.

Segment five: Xena reads Gabrielle's scrolls as she packs and decides to stay with her after all. She even agrees to fight Joxer for her, as her champion. This is done in a wrestling ring, where she does, in fact, kill Joxer. After he is pronounced dead, she brings him back to life. All of this is an example of how the old laws are to be disobeyed when they are too extreme. Now that they have loosened Cyane up, Gabrielle, Xena, and Joxer take off leaving her in charge.

Disclaimer: Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives during the making of Gabrielle's Headdress.

Moments Of Subtext:

Eris says to Rhea and Cyane: "If you ask me, Gabrielle's the lucky one, having Xena for a best friend."
Xena and Gabrielle discuss their future: "Gabrielle, are you saying that you want to stay here and be queen?"
"Only if you and Eve would stay."
Gabrielle later adds: "It makes sense, Xena. We've never really had our own home, so I see this place as our domestic bliss."
Imagining their home together, Gabrielle says: "If we put a porch just around the side, we could lay out there with Eve."
Rhea bemoans her lifestyle to Eve: "You know, if I had a daughter, I'd love her just as much as your mommy loves you. Of course, first, I've got to get close to a man, which isn't easy when you're an Amazon."
In the sauna, the Amazons talk about sex. "Well, I'm a virgin and I'm gonna stay that way forever," boasts Eris.
"Forever's a long time," comments Gabrielle, exchanging a look with Xena.
Gabrielle continues: "Xena has studied the subject more than I have, but I think she's trying to say that some people are better lovers than others." Gabrielle and Xena share a smile.
Xena and Gabrielle have a conversation about what Xena could do while Gabrielle is off queening. During this, they sound very much like a married couple. They even finish with Gabrielle commenting, "You could clean up."
Gabrielle is dozing on her throne. When she is suddenly woken up, she murmers, still half asleep, "Not tonight!"
The Amazon tradition of stripping their queen and covering her with mud (not letting her cover herself!) sounds a little suspicious to me. "You must show the glory of your form to sister moon so that she will smile on you!"
"Right..." says Gabrielle, maybe not buying it either, for she says it in what I would call a Dr. Evil way: "You can keep your money If I can just have the wee baby!" "Riiigghht..."
Eris is desperate to become Xena's new companion, especially when Xena and Gabrielle are "broken up." "Who knows what will develop?" she asks Xena.
Reading one of Gabrielle's scrolls, Xena becomes all thoughtful when she reads Gabrielle description of a "friendship as immortal as the gods."
Cyane encounters Rhea kissing Joxer. "It's called kissing, wanna try it?" asks Rhea.
Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle all lie together at the end of the episode.

Commentary:

What, I say, what is wrong with the writers this season? Do they eat brain tumors for breakfast? First of all, just about everything in this episode contradicts what happened in the last episode. "Lifeblood" was about the rebirth of the Amazon nation as a more compassionate people. This episode is about Gabrielle's resolution to continue following the old ways, even though she is in charge and can let Joxer go whenever she wants. Because of her, Joxer is in risk of getting an eye gouged out, and in fact DIES in this episode. Isn't this taking things a bit far? Also, I do not know where they dug up some of these "actresses" from, but I guarantee this was their first acting job. Then, later in the episode when Xena is musing over the advantages of staying, she points out that Eve would be safe from the greek gods. Er, why? Callisto had no problem entering an Amazon village. Ares has hung out in the domain of a different god of war. And speaking of inconsistencies, Xena and Gabrielle break up?! What?! How can something like that add any thension whatsoever to an episode? Nobody is gonna buy it, it's just too absurd! Especially over such a stupid thing. Xena and Gabrielle have no communication in this episode. Now the ending: if you haven't seen this episode yet, don't bother. If you must, I beg of you, shut it off before you get to the fight scene. If, like me, you have seen it, I don't think there is much hope for us. As I get extra money, I will put it aside for the development of some sort of rehabilitation center. I will keep you posted on how that is coming along. At this wonderful spa, I promise that you will be able to watch "One Against An Army" all day, every day.

Antony & Cleopatra

Written by Carl Ellsworth

Directed by Michael Hurst

Episode Synopsis:

Segment one: Brutus and Antony compete for Cleopatra's navy in order to quell the Roman civil war. Cleopatra is assassinated by a snake hidden in a Roman scroll. Her dying command sends for Xena. Antony receives a gift from Cleopatra: a carpet, which when unrolled reveals a naked Xena "disguised" as Cleopatra, proclaiming herself a slave of Rome.

Segment two: Antony professes that he wants an alliance of trust and openness, not an exploitive relationship. "Cleopatra" invites him to the palace. There, Brutus has arrived and wants to warn Cleopatra that Antony and Octavius (Caesar's adopted son) want her dead. He is shocked to encounter an uncrucified Gabrielle. "Cleopatra" invites Antony to bathe with her, but her refuses and leaves.

Segment three: Octavius arrives in Cleopatra's bed chamber, followed by a hail of greek fire. Antony arrives and threatens to kill Octavius as a traitor of Rome. "Cleopatra" sends Octavius to the dungeon. Antony and "Cleopatra" end up kissing after a little flirting with food. Gabrielle interrupts them and Xena announces that she has Antony right where she wants him, after receiving an invitation for a late night rensezvous.

Segment four: Antony reveals to "Cleopatra" that he won't take her navy because she would doubt his love for her. They are attacked by Brutus' men and Antony savagely kills them all. Gabrielle talks to Octavius and finds him to be gentle and idealistic. Xena decides she cannot trust Antony with the fleet because he is too violent. She sets a trap, vowing her navy at his disposal if he attacks Brutus' fleet. She offers the same promise to Brutus. Gabrielle agrees to go with Brutus as collateral.

Segment five: As the flagships of Antony and Brutus battle, the egyptian fleet lead by Octavius destroys the rest of the ships. Brutus, realizing he has been betrayed attacks Gabrielle, who finding a sword kills him. His dying word is "Xena!" as he spies her on the other boat. Antony now realizes he too has been duped and battles Xena before she is forced to kill him. Xena leaves Octavius as the new ruler of Rome.

Disclaimer: No Rubberized Snakes intent on destroying the Queen of Egypt were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Cleopatra gets a milk sponge bath by her handmaidens.
Gabrielle must prevent Brutus from seeing Cleopatra, so she invents the following story:
"Where's Xena?"
"She's with Cleopatra."
"Well then I'll see them both."
"It's not a good time, Brutus."
Xena intoduces Gabrielle as her "companion."
"This is my companion, Aris."
"If I were your hands, Aris, I would be fortunate indeed."
Xena invites Antony into the bath, which he declines. Gabrielle is relieved.
"I thought he was going to accept your invitation. How did you know he wouldn't?"
"I didn't."
After sending Octavius to the dungeon, Xena and Antony continue to flirt. Gabrielle becomes REAL jealous.
"I'm losing sight of your plan, Xena. Are you going to flirt him to death?"
"I'm getting him to trust me so I can do what I want with him."
"Be careful, he's your type."
"You think?"
"What's this unfinished business?"
"He's gonna try to seduce me into letting him use Cleopatra's navy."
"And then?"
"And then I'll have him on his knees. Figuratively speaking of course."
"Of course."
After the preceeding conversation, Shiana watches them both with confusion and suspicion.
Xena and Antony get hot and heavy over a meal of fruit. As Xena dips a strawberry into honey and pops it into her mouth, drawing Antony towards her in a kiss, Gabrielle stares at them, enthralled, licking her lips.*
Gabrielle interrupts Antony and Xena's smoochfest.
"How far were you going to let that go, Xena?" (Gabrielle then takes Antony's place, eating the strawberry in a mirror of what was just happening before with Antony and Xena.)
"I have no real feelings for him, Gabrielle, believe me."

Commentary:

This episode is a return to the more familiar, and better, feel of the fourth season. Here we have a purely dramatic story which is not goofy or profoundly stupid. The main driving force of the episode is Xena's relationship with Antony, so once again character has supremacy over plot, which is how it should be. There are some great jealousy moments from Gabrielle, which we have not seen in a long time. Compared to just about every other episode this season, this one is chock full of subtext. All in all, this episode makes me feel very hopeful for the rest of the season.

What I find to be a shame, however, is Brutus. I liked him a lot. Too bad. Also, I could have done without that super fake rubber snake at the begining of the episode. Do they not have real ones in New Zealand? And the "Tom Jones" scene was an interesting attempt, but Natalie Merchant music? It just drew so much attention to itself because it was uncharacteristic, that I found myself not paying attention to the scene. Then of course there is the Antony/Xena romance. Okay, we all know that they are going to keep bringing up romances for our grrls, but I am glad that when they do, they are going to add a large amount of jealousy on Gabrielle's part.

*Thanks Evy!

Looking Death In The Eye

Written by Carl Ellsworth

Directed by Garth Maxwell

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Joxer, an old man now, buys one of Gabrielle's scrolls at an auction. Reading it to his kids, we find out that Xena, tired of the bounty on Eve's head, has gone to the Fates to learn when the Twilight Of The Gods will begin. They tell her that only when she dies will the chain of events begin.
Segment two:: While walking through a forest, Xena and Gabrielle are attacked by Hades and Athena, who have come for Eve. Destroying Hades' helmet of invisibility, Xena and Gabrielle escape in the spark explosion which follows. They seek shelter with Octavius and his army. Meanwhile Athena, Hades, Hephaestus, and Ares are hoilding a meeting. They ask Celesta, death, to kill Xena, but she will not/can not even to save her own life. Xena arrives in Hephaestus' cave and attacks him. He beats her savagely until Celesta appears to take her life.
Segment three:: Gabrielle attacks Hephaestus while Xena uses the distraction to throw Hephaestus' chain around Celesta, capturing her. Then together they beat Hepahestus into a pit. Haphaestus and Hades bring the news to Athena and Ares that Celesta has been captured. Xena confronts Celesta about all the suffering death has caused her and her family. Xena reveals that she can make Celesta's family suffer too, for Hades is her only family. Xena wipes away Celesta's tears. Realizing that the gods will inflict suffering on those close to Xena in order to get Celesta back, Gabrielle runs to find Joxer, and arrives just as Athena and Hades do.
Segment four:: Gabrielle, in order to protect Joxer, tells Athena where Xena is headed. Confronted by Athena, Xena agrees to trade Celesta for Gabrielle. Xena makes a sudden attack, and she and Gabrielle escape in their cart. But as soon as they clear the forest they find Hades waiting for them. He drives them towards Athena's archers, and while trying to avoid all this, they find themselves on a precipice. Athena sets the cart on fire, while the combined attack of Athena, Hades, and Hephaestus sends the cart over the cliff. Xena comes to, finding Gabrielle's dead body and Eve buring. She freaks out and tries to impale herself. Ares interferes. She takes poison and falls down, dead.
Segment five:: Octavius arrives to where Joxer is, grieving over what he has just seen. But Octavius reveals that he has Eve. There was only a doll in the cart. And Gabrielle and Xena had both taken Celesta's tears, which makes them seem to be dead. But what they hadn't planned on was that Ares then takes away the bodies and entombs them in coffins of ice up in a mountain cave, which he then seals.

Moments Of Subtext:

When they are initially attacked in the forest by Athena and Hades, Xena refuses to toss Eve over to Gabrielle. Athena suggests to Gabrielle that Xena does not trust her in a situation like that with her child. Xena reveals that while that move may have bought her a few seconds, she was unwilling to do it because the same outcome would have occured. I think this shows that Xena is hesitant to risk Gabrielle's life, even when her child is involved.
When confronting Celesta, Xena says "I can't lose what's left of my family." She says this as she is walking towards Gabrielle and Eve.
Over Xena's coffin Ares speaks, referring to Gabrielle who is laying in an adjacent coffin. "You're with her now. I handled you all wrong; I know that. She knew what you needed: unconditional, unselfish love. And I couldn't give that to you. But I appreciated you in ways she never could: your rage, your violence, your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers. But when you kicked ass, you were mine. I love you Xena."

Commentary:

Not a bad episode, but there are so many stupid things going on in here that I plan to have a lot of fun mocking this one. First off, when Xena and Gabrielle visit the fates at the begining of the episode, they have the cuts on them that they are about to receive at the NEXT fight. Did some editor somewhere get confused, or did they rearrange the order of events after they filmed them? Next, Hades attacks Xena and Gabrielle while invisible, and STILL can't hit them! What is wrong with this god? And since when does a god need a helmet of invisibility to be invisible? They can do that at will! In fact, they are naturally invisible unless they choose to reveal themselves to a mortal. Now, what kind of plan is it to let a god beat you nearly to death so that you can capture death herself when she appears? I have to say that Xena recovers very well from being beaten to death. Funniest line in this episode: "Octavius, thanks for babysitting." Hello? This guy is the emperor of Rome! Okay, near the end, Xena and Gabrielle are surrounded by Athena, Hades, and Hephaestus, and they still manage to escape? Keep in mind, people, that these are gods! All they really managed to do is ride away in a cart, and Athena says "Drat! Well, maybe whe can try again when they leave the forest." And as for the final plan, their apparent deaths, how is that supposed to work? All the gods have to do is ask Celesta, and she will reveal that she never came for them, therefore they had not died. Or Hades, ruler of the underworld, will notice that they are not in the afterlife. Or they could pay a visit to the Fates and see that their life threads are still intact. All in all, this was a poorly thought out plan. More and more I find that the gods in Xena are suffering from what I call the "Borg problem." (Actually I originally called it the "Cybermen problem," but times change.) This is when the writers of a show have created a nemesis that is so powerful and nasty, that week after week they have to milk down these bad guys so that the heroes can survive. Now, if these gods, alone or combined, cannot kill whomever they want with ease, what exactly makes them gods?

Livia

Written by Chris Manheim

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Livia, a warrior of Rome, and her Roman army are butchering the followers of Eli. Ares appears, claiming that Livia will be named the emperor's successor, and that Rome will soon honor Ares. Meanwhile, an avalanche open a hole into the tomb where Xena and Gabrielle lie. The sunlight begins to melt Xena's coffin, and she awakens, breaking out of her coffin and rescuing Gabrielle from hers. Her immediate thought is for Eve, and they leave to find her. The first village they come to reveals that they have awaken twenty five years after their supposed death.
Segment two:: On their way to Rome, Xena and Gabrielle encounter a Xena and Gabrielle themed restaurant run by Joxer and Meg, both middle aged now. Joxer gives to them Argo's offspring, Argo the second. Joxer and Virgil, his son, accompany our heroines to Rome. Xena finds Octavius, now Augustus Caesar, accepting tribute from Livia, and she instantly relizes that Livia is her daughter.
Segment three:: Octavius reveals that Livia/Eve was raised in the provinces with the best tutors and wanted for nothing; also, he loves her. Xena is somewhat displeased with being deprived of the opportunity of raising her own child. Gabrielle encourages Xena to tell Livia the truth and try to lure her away from the darkside. Gabrielle, Joxer and Virgil are arrested by Roman soldiers for not donating to the temple for Ares. Xena finds Ares and Livia in an intimate kiss.
Segment four:: Xena confronts Ares, who is dumbfounded that Xena is alive and not a day older. Livia is instantly jealous of his relationship with Xena. Livia confronts the prisoners in the dungeon and demands a champion to fight for their lives, eventually choosing Virgil. Xena enlists Octavius' help to save Livia from Ares' influence. At the bacchanalia, Xena talks to Ares of rekindling their romance and he swears, within hearing distance of Livia, to drop Livia if he has a chance with Xena.
Segment five:: Ares reveals that he has figured out who Livia really is. Xena tells Livia that she is really her mom, and Livia freaks, challenging Xena to a fight to the death in the colosseum as the prisoners' champion. They fight and Xena, of course, wins. Everyone is freed, but Livia disappears and Xena worries what she is about to do.

Due to the overabundance of Bean and Bard Burgers, Meg's gastrointestinal problems intensified during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Amusing is Meg's comment as she sees Gabrielle, "Gabrielle wasn't so butch."
As Xena discusses with Gabrielle the possibility of turning Livia from her darkside, Gabrielle says "You did it."
"I had help," responds Xena.
"She has us."
Gabrielle gently wipes a tear off of Xena's face as they finish the above conversation.

Commentary:

I don't know what to say about this episode; it is such a significant change from everything that has happened until now. Now everything is twenty five years in the past and we cannot expect much from our reoccuring characters except that they are all old now. I like the casting of Livia, she seems to have a lot of the energy that Callisto had. I don't like Joxer being old, because unlike everyone else, I like Joxer. I am saddened that Argo is dead. Since when did the Romans believe in the Greek gods? Didn't they have their own gods? It is absurd to think that they would be building a temple to Ares in Rome itself. Is it not also insane that Xena insists on calling Livia Eve even in public places like the coliseum in front of thousands? This is signing her death warrant!

Eve

Written by George Strayton & Tom O'Neill

Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and Virgil are searching for Eve. She is ransacking a village, not caring whether they are followers of Eli or not. Xena and the gang later find the aftermath. And the crosses.
Segment two:: Eve has left a message with one of the survivors that this is all Xena's fault. Ares takes this moment to demand a child from Xena or he will bring all of Olympus down on her and her child. Finding no success there, he goes to Eve and promises to make her Emperess of Rome as long as she kills Xena and the cult of Eli. While she is ransacking another town, Xena finally catches up to her. A fight ensues during which Xena saves Eve's life from a bloodthirsty villager. Eve escapes as archers burn down the village.
Segment three:: Xena and the gang predict that Eve's next target will be at Eli's largest temple, where the rest of his followers are converging to pray for a miracle. Xena admits to Gabrielle that she will kill Eve if she has to. Joxer comes clean with Virgil, admitting he is not the warrior he has pretended to be. Xena rides ahead to make plans at the temple and Gabrielle uses the opportunity to get captured and try to talk sense into Eve. Eve of course, decides to kill her to get back at Xena. Xena arrives to free Gabrielle, and as she is battling Romans, Joxer is killed trying to rescue Gabby. Eve rides off.
Segment four:: Virgil is hungry for Eve's blood now. Ares arives and gloats at Xena. Gabrielle admits that they are beaten. Eve is Livia, daughter of Rome, with no redemption possible. Xena prays to Eli for a way instead of violence. Eve arrives at the temple, only to find Xena there waiting for her.
Segment five:: Eve and Xena battle. Xena hesitates when she has a chance to kill Eve, and Eve turns the table, about to cut Xena's throat. But then there is a moment of divine intervention and Eve is shown all that Xena has done for her, and how much she was loved as a child. She walks out of the temple realizing she is Eve, not Livia.

Joxer's sudden and unexpected death slowed down his rapid aging process during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle is willing to risk her life to ease Xena's conscience: "I'm gonna try to keep Xena from doing something she'd never forgive herself for."
Eve refers to Gabrielle as "Aunty Gabrielle."
Gabrielle, referring to her talk with Eve, tells Xena "I tried to tell her we love her."

Commentary:

A bit of a weak episode. I felt no suspense whatsoever. Also, the ending is unsatisfying, because it IS deus ex machina. The only reason there is any ending is because there was a miracle. I'm sure fans around the world are celebrating, but I, for one, am sorry to see the death of Joxer. I loved his character and I thought he was a hoot. I hope it is not permanent, but I don't see how they could change that. Not much to say about this episode really. Sorry.

Motherhood

Teleplay by RJ Stewart

Story by Rob Tapert

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Episode synopsis:

Segment one:: Eve wanders the desert, in torment because of her guilt. The gods on Olympus consult. Athena decides to send the Furies after Gabrielle. An army seeking vengeance attacks Eve, but Xena and Gabrielle interfere to protect her. The Furies appear to Gabrielle, convincing her all will be well when Eve is dead.
Segment two:: Brought amongst the followers of Eli, Eve is told about their religion, and about the Baptist. She decides to become baptized into their religion. As this is happening, Xena is spoken to by a column of fire. Suddenly, they are attacked by the gods. Xena kills three of them: Poseidon, Dischord, and Hephaestus.
Segment three:: Xena and the gang take off, warning the other gods not to follow. Xena tells Gabrielle that she was visited by a spirit sent by the arcangel Michael. As long as Eve lives, Xena can kill gods. They travel to Joxer's home, where Virgil is less than thrilled. He takes off, unwilling to forgive Eve. Xena is lead out into the courtyard to talk to Ares, and now the Furies really lay into Gabrielle. Joxer's spirit appears, demanding revenge. Hope appears and reminds her what happens when you don't kill when you know you should. Xena returns in time to see Gabrielle stab Eve. Xena takes out Gabrielle with her chakram.
Segment four:: The gods launch a full scale attack. As Aphrodite whisks Gabrielle away to safety, Xena defends herself, killing Hades and Demios in the process. Athena and Artemis retreat. Xena asks Aphrodite to heal Gabrielle, but no god can heal without Athena's blessing. Aphrodite agrees to bring Xena, Gabrielle, and Hope to Olympus.
Segment five:: Confronted by Ares, Xena shoots him with a crossbow, chains him up, and drags him before Athena. She offers a bargain: heal Eve and Gabrielle and she will leave Athena alone. She then kills Artemis who was trying to ambush her. Athena refuses and they fight. Xena strikes a killing blow, but it has no effect. Eve has died, and Xena's power goes with her. While they continue to battle, Ares gives up his immortality in order to heal Eve and Gabrielle. Xena finally kills Athena.

Disclaimer: All the gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Xena talks to Gabrielle about Eve: "She's lost, just as I was. But I got lucky 'cause I found you."
Aphrodite pleads with Athena: "Can we leave the bard out of this?"
"Do you have a soft spot for Gabrielle?"
"She's my friend."
The Furies torment Gabrielle: "Eve will only break your heart. There'll be no peace for you until she's dead."
Or the alternate reading, referring to Xena: "There'll be no piece for you until she's dead."
Aphrodite's concern and care for Gabrielle during the battle at Virgil's house.
Xena tells Gabrielle's body: "Gabrielle, you're the most pure thing in my life."
Xena convinces Aphrodite to bring them to Olympus: "Please? Gabrielle doesn't have much time."
Aphrodite says softly to Gabrielle, "Bye, little one," before evacuating Olympus.
Gabrielle tells Xena: "Looks like you got your daughter back."
"No, we got our daughter back."

Commentary:

Well, what can I say? A pretty good end to a horrible season. I wish I could have seen my face when Xena's chakram ploughed into the back of Gabrielle's head. They get major points for surprising me. Also, I appreciate that they allowed Xena to be intelligent enough to realize that Gabrielle was not in her right mind. I don't think we needed another rift right now. I would also like to say how much I loved Aphrodite in this episode. Her tenderness towards Gabrielle showed so much more to her character than they have ever managed to hint at before. Alexandra Tydings did a great job. Her first line, when she leans over Athena's shoulder and whispers "Can we leave the bard out of this?" was a great way to get something from her that I don't think we expected. Now, the followers of Eli... I have to worry about them. When Xena and Gabrielle are talking to them, one of them asks is it true that Eli breathed fire? Er, what?! What has happened to this religion in twenty five years? If they think Eli breathed fire, what else have they gotten wrong? "Eli said we should always wear oven mitts." "Eli said to love everyone...unless they were funny looking. Then you should beat them with baguettes." They refer to Eli's god as the god of love. But this god is only really the god of love to humans isn't it? Not really a whole lot of love expressed for the Greek gods. They were all savagely killed with the assistance of the god of love. Anyways... I know that the first episode of this season, "Fallen Angel," cost a lot of money. But could they really not afford to get a better wig than that awful mop that Hope was wearing? I mean, come on people! Renee wore that hair style for four seasons! How could you have forgotten what it looked like? Once again I have to complain about the powers of the gods. Can't they appear and disappear at will? There is no way Xena should be able to survive an attack by four of them. No way. And I feel real sad for Ares. He is just so pathetic. It is hard to find him terrifying and mean when he just follows Xena around like a dumb puppy no matter how many times she kicks him or runs him over with her car (to finish a bad metaphor.) I have my fingers crossed for next season. This show was once great, and I think they have never fully tapped into the powers of these characters. Here's hoping!

Special thanks to the person who emailed me three times for encouraging me to get off my butt and review this episode... this review goes out to you.

Lesbian Subtext in Xena: Warrior Princess Season 5

2009-10-24T23:47:59Z

Warning

There are spoilers here. If you do not want to know what happens in episodes you have not seen, read no further!

Season Five

Fallen Angel

Teleplay by R. J. Stewart

Story by Rob Tapert & R. J. Stewart

Directed by John Fawcett

Synopsis and commentary:

Xena and Gabrielle arrive in the afterlife. No, this is not the afterlife of the greek gods where Xena has gone before. This is not the wherever-she-was afterlife Xena went to where she could still inhabit other people's bodies. This is not the amazon afterlife Gabrielle went to. This is yet ANOTHER afterlife. While chilling out on a rock, they are approached by some angels. Gabrielle, completely blissed out, moves forward to join them. Xena tries to restrain her, concern overwhelming her, showing that Xena keeps her cool even when dead, and that Gabrielle will always be her first concern. The angels are attacked by demons, and Gabrielle falls to hell.

Xena is, of course, a wee bit worried. She discusses with Michael, an arch angel,:

        "She has to be rescued."
        "That's the responsibility of the arch angels."
        "No, it's MY responsibility."
        "Yours? You're not even an angel. You're to be reborn in a new body."
        "Well that's gonna have to wait. Right now I'm going after my friend."
        "That's impossible."
        "No it's not."

Then she jumps to hell. (Hard to be more dedicated to someone than that.) She is naturally saved by Michael, with whom she argues: "Michael, Gabrielle's soul an mine are destined to be together. I can't let her walk through hell alone."

Meanwhile, in hell, Gabrielle wakes up embraced by a sleeping Callisto. "Xena?" she asks.* "Aren't you the lucky girl?" taunts Callisto. "You get to spend eternity with me!"

In heaven (Are they in heaven? Or are they just chillin' out on a rock between heaven and hell?) Xena becomes an arch angel by choosing to jump into a cave full of fire rather than take a shower. When she plops her burning body into a pool of water, not only is she granted wings, but also a new outfit. (Yup, must be heaven.) Down in hell, Gabrielle seems to be having a hard time with her outfit. Dressed in little more than rags, she expresses her hunger (she is being tormented) by tearing her clothes. Then she is force fed the food of hell, and is painfully mutated into a demon, once again expressed by tearing at her clothes. Xena and the other arch angels thankfully arrive to rescue Gabrielle, which they do with relative ease. But since Gabrielle is now in ugly demon mode, Xena is quickly distracted by Callisto and decides to sacrifice her soul to rescue this attractive little filly. The arch angels dunk Gabrielle which for some reason cures her of being a demon. Naturally, her first question is "Where's Xena?"

Well, Xena is in hell and taking over. Gabrielle now needs to earn her wings to join in the imminent war between heaven and hell. What must she do? Walk into a cave with Callisto and have a supa-tender moment. Done.

Demons come pouring up from hell and Xena and Gabrielle must confront each other.

        "Gabrielle, we shouldn't be fighting."
        "You're right, Xena."
        "I want to spend eternity with you. Won't you join me?"

Xena later adds: "Gabrielle, the love that we have, it's stronger than heaven or hell; it transcends good or evil; it's an end in itself. Our souls are destined to be together. Gabrielle, you can't let me walk through hell alone."

Oh yeah, while all this has been going on, Joxer, Amarice, and Eli have dispatched the two roman soldiers guarding Xena and Gabrielle's bodies. Eli uses his wonder powers, with the help of a happy Callisto, to bring our grrls back from the dead. As soon as they wake up, they go for each other's hand. "We're going to be together for eternity," says Gabrielle. "Yeah," replies Xena.

Disclaimer: Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned

*Thanks TLJ!

Chakram

Written by Chris Manheim

Directed by Doug Lefler

Synopsis and commentary:

Well, Xena and Gabrielle are back from the dead, but Xena has gone all defective. Apparently, that little thoughtful gesture that angel Callisto did to Xena (with arch angel Michael's permission) was not so much a gift as it was a really bad idea. See, no Xena is unhappy and defenseless and cannot remember anything and making everyone else worried. But anyway, before they discover all this, Xena and Gabrielle are recovering from being dead. "We're back...together," says Gabrielle. "Always," returns Xena. They are dressed in rags, so they go to town to buy MORE revealing clothing. ("Oh no, Xena, look at all these clothes! We must get to town and by some ab-revealing clothes!") In town they are jumped by the lackeys of the local god of war, Kal. (What religion is this?) They manage to escape, briefly. Gabrielle confesses to Eli that she has lost her connection to him: "My path is with Xena, helping her however I can. I'll do whatever I have to do to protect her." Immediately after Gabrielle says this, Xena is captured by Kal. (Good job, Gabby!) Several hours later, Gabrielle figures this out.

Xena is not a prisoner for long, however. Kal gets distracted by Ares and Xena runs away. (These are GODS, keep in mind! You can apparently just run away from them!) Reunited with her chums, they go to a monastery and Xena takes a bath. Joxer approaches her and asks her advice on how to express his love to Gabrielle. After telling him to make it unconditional, she says under her breath "Of course you could just kiss the girl" and gives herself a very self-satisfied smile. "Interesting offer," comments Ares, appearing where Joxer was. Gabrielle finds the two of them together, Xena naked, and instantly becomes furious, accusing Ares of taking advantage of Xena's condition. Xena, becoming confused, wanders out onto a balcony and prays for a sign of what to do. Gabrielle appears. (Ask and ye shall receive!)

So, our intrepid adventurers fight their way into the temple with the Chakram Of Light, the only object that can cure Xena. Xena, who is incapable of violence, cannot remember anything bad, does not understand evil, cuts down and kills Kal with the Chakram Of Light, because he was about to kill Gabrielle. Xena then joins the Chakram Of Light and her chakram, the Dark Chakram together and is reverted to her old self again. Ares decides it's time to take off. During their little sum-up talk at the end of the show, Xena and Gabrielle have the following conversation:

"Feels good to be going home."
"Going home in more ways than one. Thanks, Gabrielle."
"For what?"
"For pointing the way back to my rotten old self."
"It's a pleasure. Did I do that?"
"I didn't think about it at the time, but when I asked for a sign to show that I was doing the right thing, you showed up."

Disclaimer to be added later.

Succession

Written by Steven L Sears

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Episode synopsis:

Moments Of Subtext:

Mavican, looking to confront Xena, tells Gabrielle: "And I understand that killing you is the best way to meet her!"
Mavican asks a caged Gabrielle, "So, what's it like? I mean, being with Xena? It's like a brush with eternity, isn't it?"
Mavican remarks to Xena: "Of course, if I kill you, I kill her. And I was just begining to like her."
When Ares reveals that all this is to test Gabrielle, he asks her: "You're not jealous?" "You leave her out of this," she warns.
Back where they started, Xena turns towards Gabrielle and says tenderly, "I'm so proud of you." "Oh please!" complains Ares of this display of emotion.
And let's not forget, our grrls are inhabiting the same body throughout this episode.

Commentary:: It took me all summer to write this review. Not that this is the worst episode ever, but that it is so...plain. Nothing interesting happens in this episode. It is as if they took some of the most reoccuring bland elements of the series and combined them into one episode. Yet another person wants to kill Xena so that they can be the one who killed the Warrior Princess. Once again Ares is trying to convinve someone who is never going to be his lackey that they want to rule the world. Once again there is a cave. Once again there is a bottomless pit. Yawn.; Speaking of caves, I have gone on and on about this before, but in the spirit of reusing already familiar themes: the surface of Greece must be incredibly unstable with all the caves and tunnels and bottomless pits that dot the landscape. And why is every cave on the verge of a cave in? They all seem to have this convenient rock shelf above their entrances which is covered with debris, waiting for one tug to cover the doorway with. Just like most hills and mountains are waiting to let loose a rockslide to fil in some pass somewhere.

Animal Attraction

Written by Chris Manheim

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Synopsis and commentary:

I was definitely not looking forward to reviewing this episode, mostly because it was awful, but here goes. As our team walks down the road, Joxer and Amarice have the following bout: "I'm so glad all women aren't like you," says Joxer. "All the women I know are. We don't need a man to get along. I fact, as far as they're concerned, you "guys" are totally dispensible." This is the last piece of subtext for about half an hour. During the half hour, the show becomes a western (and that electric guitar in the soundtrack really bothers me,) Amarice and Armand (remember from "The Crusader?") have a hot and cold love affair, Gabrielle spends the whole time talking to a horse, and Xena finds out that she is pregnant even though she hasn't done the nasty in a long, long time.

The first person that Xena talks to about her baby is Argo. Go figure. But as she is pregnant, she realizes how absurd the whole situation is and says "Gabrielle's gonna freak." Eventually everybody shows up in the barn (Where else would you go?) and Xena announces "I'm pregnant!" Everyone stands silently in shock, with Amarice darting looks between Xena and Gabrielle. Gabrielle is easily the most affected by this news.

"You're pregnant? How can you be pregnant? Xena... I mean, when did you... who did..." 
"I don't know"
"You don't know?"
"Gabrielle, this is as strange to me as it is to you. I don't understand it but it's true. I felt it with Solan and I feel it know. There's life within me, and it's good."

Xena and Gabrielle hug. Later, as they are on the watch for an imminent invasion of the town, Gabrielle's mind still won't let go of Xena's situation.

"You don't have the slightest idea?"
"No. Look, we've been through this a thousand times. I don't"
"How can you not know? I just find that hard to belive, you know?"
"You tell me."
"Ares! Maybe he did a god thing-"
"No."
"Okay, fine. When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget."

Gabrielle and Xena help save the town from the local baddy, and as they leave Xena says, referring to Gabrielle's new horse,

"Well, congratulations. Looks like we're a two horse family."
"Yeah, family being the operative word."
"Yeah, how about that, huh?"
"You know what I think? I think it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
"Yup. For all of us."

Whew! Made it to the end of the episode. For all of you out there reading this who haven't seen the episode I highly recommend watching it with the tv off. I've now had to watch it twice and let me say, your time is much better spent doing just about anything else. Like perhaps watching "One Against An Army." Or renting a movie.

Disclaimer to be added later.

Them Bones, Them Bones

Written by Buddy Williers

Directed by John Fawcett

Synopsis and commentary:

While discussing Xena's pregnancy, Gabrielle remarks "You look beautiful! You do!" Xena later mentions "Well, maybe I'm happy 'cause I know I don't have to go through this alone." Xena is then struck by severe pain, and Gabrielle cradles her in her arms. As Xena is carried into a healer's hut, she is crying out for Gabrielle, not stopping until Gabrielle is by her side. After she wakes up from her medication, she instantly calls out for Gabrielle again. The healer, referring to Xena and her baby, says "The best thing for both of you, now, is bed rest." Gabrielle smirks as she says this.

Xena figures, well, my baby is under attack; I had better go visit some old friends from last season because they haven't been around for awhile, therefore they must be involved. And surprise! Yakut reveals that it is Alti who is attacking her baby from the spiritual realm. Gabrielle tries to convince Xena that she (Gabrielle) must go and fight Alti. Xena rebuts: "I have seen Alti rip the hearts out of people that I love. I'm not going to take that chance with you." Gabrielle counters: "Xena, I love your baby like it were my own. I will do anything I have to to fight for its life, and I deserve that chance as much as you do." So Gabrielle goes wandering around in the woods and manages to kill some innocent deer so that she can cross over to the spirit world. To represent her journey, the director uses a montage of internal biology, as the deer's blood intermingles with Gabrielle's, and of the power of nature, showing storms, lightning, tornadoes, oceans, tunnels and other images to represent a journey, and a spider. A spider just sitting there. Don't ask, I don't know why. Gabrielle wakes up in a strange and mysterious land where someone is going a little happy with the pause button. (Once again, don't ask; I don't know why.) Alti refers to Gabrielle as "Xena's little bitch" and proceeds to kick her ass from 30 feet away.

When Gabrielle dies, Xena uses a little mouth-to-mouth action to bring her back from the dead. They all agree that killing Gabrielle was a stupid plan and decide that pouring amber on Alti's bones is a much smarter one.

Let's take a moment here to examine these plans once again:

A)Enter the spirit world to do battle with a creature of evil who beat the hell out of you in India until you got help from that mystical woman. A creature of such power that she can successfully attack you even though she's DEAD. The only people available to do battle with this powerful shamaness are Xena, who is pregnant and therefore in a weakened condition, or Gabrielle, who is no Xena.

B)Pour some maple syrup on inanimate bones. Problem solved.

Anyway, Yakut and Xena take off to get Alti's bones. Yakut decides to take a side-trip to the spirit world, to fight Alti. Xena goes in after her and we are treated to another montage of powerful winds, high seas, the force and majesty of nature, blood, tunnels, and a cricket. (What?!) Alti confront Xena, grabs her baby's soul (Ouch!) and while running her hand around inside Xena's abdomen says, "I've always wanted to be inside of you, Xena." (does this mean that they never did the nasty when they were chums way back when?) Xena threatens Alti: "There aren't many guarantees in life, Alti, but I promise you this: If you harm my child, I will hound you. I will hound you through all time and between worlds. I will be your eternal damnation." To which Alti responds: "Well at least we'll be together again. I so miss these intimate little moments."

Xena and the tribe of amazons bring Alti out of the spirit world by doing a little dance. But it is to a dream world, and Alti and Xena's skeletons do a relatively uninteresting battle for the baby's soul. Xena loses and is destroyed an the series ends. (Okay, I'm kidding. She wins, of course.) Xena and Yakut hug their goodbyes. Gabrielle and Amarice also have a tender goodbye.

Disclaimer: Xena and Alti were Bad To The Bone during the production of this motion picture.

Purity

Written by Jeff Vlaming

Directed by Mark Beesley

Synopsis and commentary:

Xena wakes up because her spidey-sense is tingling. Out from the reeds stumbles an asian guy who dies in Gabrielle's arms. He has a message from Lao-Ma. Now, why is it that everyone from Asia who has a message for Xena must die as soon as they find her? Anyways, Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer walk to Asia (?!) and prevent an army from storming a monastery with the help of "The Daughter Of Lao-Ma."

Xena and Pao Ssu search for the book of Lao-Ma while Gabrielle and Joxer go to the market to buy spices so they can make their own black powder. (Yeah, right.)

Pao Ssu steals the wrong book from her sister, K'ao Hsin. Gabrielle breaks out of prison with the contents of Joxer's pants after Joxer gets them into prison by sking about the black powder in the local marketplace. Since the episode is so incredibly light on subtext the writers offer us some from a previous episode. Xena recalls: "I was cornered here and your mother hid me in her bath, underwater. She gave me her breath to keep me alive." While Xena and K'ao Hsin are in Lao-Ma's palace reading, Pao Ssu captures Gabrielle and Joxer goes to the palace, cuts down some trees, constructs some wooden contraptions to hold Gabrielle and Joxer, gets some barrels of black powder, ties up Gabrielle and Joxer, spreads out the black powder and creates a little dilemma for Xena, kills her friends or give the book.

Xena of course, saves her friends, but Pao Ssu gets the book. Joxer then discovers the ingredients for black powder by playing around in the kitchen. All the main characters, Xena, Pao Ssu, and K'ao Hsin sit around and learn "the power."

Xena and K'ao Hsin then go and talk to Pao Ssu until her army accidentally blows her up. (This army is kept at bay by Gabrielle, alone.)

This was a remarkably subtext free episode. Not even Xena hanging out with K'ao Hsin could add anything, for I could not get anything out of their relationship other than in a friendly way. Or perhaps a mother/daughter thing. So sorry.

Disclaimer: To obtain a copy of Joxer's recipe for and other Chinese delicacies, visit your local bookstore or look for it on the Internet.

Back In The Bottle

Teleplay by Buddy Williers

Story by Rob Tapert & Steven L. Sears

Directed by Rick Jacobson

Synopsis and commentary:

Xena stands around turning rabbits into stone (this is what happens when you are silly enough to try to cook things with your mind. When she touches some black powder she gets a vision. (And those of us who have seen the end of the episode know that she now seems to have the amazing ability to forsee things that DON'T happen. Wow.) Oh, and Genghis Kahn has enlisted the help of Pao Ssu and thinks this a good thing, even though she is dead.

Refugees fleeing from Khan's army are directed by Xena to the set of caves which for some reason or other run beneath EVERY town in the world. Xena and Joxer escape from a minefield of black powder (wait a sec-I thought black powder was triggered by heat, not pressure), and Gabrielle goes to blow up Khan's supply of black powder but is instead captured by a net. Xena "senses" that something is wrong and uses the Force, or as they like to call it, the Power to prevent Gabrielle from blowing up.

Gabrielle and random-love-interest-guy have a little heart to heart where he asks her, "So, you ever thought about settling down?" "You know, sometimes people think that a home is a place. It can be a person," she responds. "You know where you belong," realizes random-love-interest-guy.

So everyone goes to confront Genghis Khan's army, but they are not necessary. Xena defeats the army by turning all 100,00 of them into stone with her mind (courtesy of a cheesy Photoshop effect.) Now we have gotten to the end of the episode and guess what? No subtext! Sigh...

Pao Ssu's split personality was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Little Problems

Written by Gregg Ostrin

Directed by Allison Liddi

Synopsis and commentary:

Gabrielle and Xena interrupt a bunch of thugs robbing Aphrodite's temple. While there, Aphrodite shows all the good work she's sponsored: healing the sick. Xena finds a little girl who has lost the will to live, Daphne, and Aphrodite for some reason thinks it is a good idea to switch their life forces, placing Xena in Daphne's body.

Daphne/Xena go home with Daphne's father, who for some reason won't tell his daughter that her mother is dead, and when he does get around to it won't tell her how. Meanwhile Gabrielle and Aphrodite drag Xena's body to a cave in order to hide it. But this turns out to be a stupid, or well-known hiding spot, because as soon as they get Xena's body there, the same group of thugs shows up in order to steal or kill the body, I forget which. (And who cares anyways? We all know they won't succeed.)

Gabrielle manages to beat off the entire group of thugs with a piece of rope. How do you knock someone out with a piece of rope? As far as I know, you can't. Afterwards Gabrielle has Aphrodite seal the cave so that even MORE people won't suddenly show up looking for Xena's body. Things aren't going well for Daphne, though. Her father still won't talk to her, and there's a runaway horsey! Now, to people like you and me who don't write tv shows, this may seem a little irrelevant. But I'm sure that completely random events which have nothing to do with the story or plot are, in fact, a completely clever way to solve story problems. Daphne stops the runaway horsey by using a platter as a chakram and cutting down a line of laundry, which once again doesn't do anything, it's just another moment-of-randomness. She does do a Xena war cry and jump on the horse and stop it with the reins, which in my mind is a much better way of stopping a horse than cutting down laundry. Now the laundry is all dirty! Gabrielle and Aphrodite show up at a nightclub dressed as twins, Bruna and Hilda. While they are talking to the bouncer, watch Aphrodite's helmet. Early on in the conversation her helmet bounces against Gabrielle's, pushing the helmet down over her eyes. They continue with the scene anyways, with Aphrodite tryhing to see and Gabrielle trying not to laugh.

Daphne is confronted by the same group of thugs, and with Xena's help, she beats the stuffing out of them. The thugs run back home to their boss, Tharon, who muses "We'll take away Xena's advantage by luring her to us!" Now, wait-a-sec. Why do nasties always think this? What is the logic behind it? Xena's advantage is that she is a superior fighter. How is being in your castle gonna make her less of a fighter? Anyways, Aphrodite and Gabrielle wander around the Gemini club and while they do so, two female wrestlers are in a ring fighting it out. One move which they make sure we see twice is when one of the wrestlers jumps up on the ropes, and then jumps onto the face of the other wrestler, making sure to push her opponents face into her crotch. Hmm... Gabrielle and Aphrodite steal a magic oil from Castor and Pollux by wrestling with them in oil. Castor and Pollux have to make the "cunning linguists" joke which those of us who watch tv and movies have seen a dozen time before. Daphne goes fishing and suddenly remembers that she DOES know how her mother dies. In fact, she was there. In fact, it's her fault! Gosh, how could she have forgotten that? Her father freaks when he catches her near the ocean where her mother drowned. As Daphne runs away, completely wigging out, daddy is captured by the thugs.

Daphne and Gabrielle rescue daddy, but Daphne is confronted by Tharon, and evil guy in a mask who had half of his face cut off by Xena ten years ago and is now getting around to revenge. He rips of his mask to reveal... a face with bad acne. Barely looked bad at all. Xena/Daphne defeat him by ducking as he tries to hit her/them with a mace and somehow manages to throw himself off of the battlements of his castle. Bad coordination. Xena and Daphne are seperated with the magic oil. And finally comes the one moment of subtext: Xena is checking out her body to make sure everything is okay, and Garielle says "Xena, I took ggod care of you." "I know," responds Xena, rubbing the back of Gabrielle's neck.

Disclaimer: No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.

Seeds Of Faith

Written by George Strayton & Tom Oneill

Directed by Garth Maxwell

Synopsis and commentary:

A group of villagers are standing around discussing making war on the gods. The discussion begins to turn violent, but Xena and Gabrielle suddenly appear. Gabrielle over-reacts and beats up a whole bunch of the villagers. When everyone calms down and Xena chastizes Gabrielle, Ares appears.

"I wish I'd known you were looking for a father," he remarks, looking at Xena's very pregnant figure.
"I'm not."
"Oh? Well, somebody clearly got the job."
"Yeah, Gabrielle."
"I would have paid to see that!"

Xena and Gabrielle are (rightly) curious as to what the god of war is doing at a village squabble. They find out that he fears the Twilight Of The Gods is at hand. (Isn't that some sort of wrestling event?)

Xena and Gabrielle meet up with Eli, who is preaching that mortals must take their destinies away from the gods and follow their own futures. It is a war of peace. Ares, warned by one of his minions that this is happening, appears and warns Eli that he is risking his own life by preaching such sermons. While Gabrielle and Eli are chatting, he confesses to her "At least you've got Xena to buoy you in these times of doubt." Xena decides that she's gonna stick around and protect Eli, especially when she hears that Ares' army is marching on the town. Callisto appears to Xena and warns her not to interfere with Eli's cause. He must walk this path alone.

Eli, however, is not as relaxed as he ought to be. He is in fact praying up a storm because he is worried. Callisto appears to him and tells him to chill. It is all for the greater good. Xena asks Gabrielle to guard Eli while she goes to take care of Ares' army. Xena meets up with the army at a rope bridge. Of course, one would think "Hey, all she needs to do is cut down the bridge and all is well." Right? Well, Xena doesn't do things the easy way. (Personally, I blame her pregnancy.) She jumps out into the middle of the bridge, kills about ten guys, cuts the bridge down WHILE she is standing on it, and THEN jumps back to where she was. This, ladies and gentlemen, is an inefficient warrior. Meanwhile back at the vilage, Ares confronts Eli. Gabrielle tries to interfere, but Eli dissuades her. This is for him. Eli turns back to Ares, and is run through with Ares' sword.

Xena returns and freaks out at Gabrielle for not defending Eli. Gabrielle, upset, takes off. Ares catches up with Gabrielle and tries to woo her to his side. She seems to think about it seriously. (Guess what, though? Sorry to spoil the end of the episode for you but she DOES NOT fall for it! Gasp!) Eli is cremated. Callisto appears to Xena, trying to persuade her not to participate in the events that are unfolding. "I realize you may never believe this, but I care about Gabrielle. And you." Xena convinces Callisto to take her to the Dagger Of Helios, which can kill a god. (For those of you paying attention, this dagger is from the episode "The Quest" and was the key to getting Ambrosia. It was never mentioned then that it could kill a god.)

Ares is making speaches to the villagers who once followed Eli. Gabrielle shows up and decides to attack Ares. (Must've slipped her mind that HE'S A GOD!) "I thought you'd given up on Xena" comments Ares. "It would take more than you to do that," she retorts. They duke it out. Xena arrives and threatens Ares with the dagger, which he is afraid of, even though he can DISAPPEAR AT WILL! She and Ares agree to spare each other. Callisto arrives to say to Xena and Gabrielle "Your enduring faith in one another is the greatest miracle of all," which I thought was a nice thing to say. Then Callisto reveals that she is, in fact, the father of Xena's child so that she can be reincarnated in it. Her soul then enters Xena's child. Now, if the child has been soulless this entire time, the what the hell was Alti doing several episodes ago. She had stolen the child's soul! Does the kid now have two souls? Was that perhaps some squatter soul which has since moved on to other bodies? Or do the writers, perhaps, pay no attention to what they are doing. (Remember, they still haven't explained how Gabrielle came back from the dead in the begining of season four!!! "Woops, slipped out mind!")

Disclaimer: Thanks to Eli's non-violent ways, many people lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.

Lyre, Lyre, Hearts On Fire

Written by Adam Armus & Nora Kay Foster

Directed by Mark Beesley

Synopsis & commentary:

Well, it looks like the Powers That Be have decided to celebrate the 100th episode of Xena by rewarding the fans with the crappiest episode ever. I writhed in pain during the broadcast of this episode, already dreading watching it again in order to write this review. I even spent a lot of time considering not reviewing it. But now that I've seen it twice, I have to admit that it is SO bad, that there is a certain amount of fascination in watching it. Or maybe it's just masochism. But it is interesting to try to imagine just what they were thinking when they wrote this. "I'm tired of writing camp," says one writer. "We could do another musical," suggests another. "Yeah, but we did that before," returns the first writer. "But what if instead of writing a good one, we wrote one that was Offensively Bad?" "Brilliant!" exclaims the first writer and proceeds to nail more pieces of wood into his or her head. (Just a hobby, not a neurosis.)

The episode begins on what I think of as a Star Trek Original Series set, for the sky and background is so obviously a big curtain about five feet behind the actors. Draco and his men uncover a Lyre (used to belong to some god, now lays around in deserts.) The local chapter of Amazons show up and demand the Lyre because it was found on their land. Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer arrive and decide, for some reason, to sing "War, what is it good for." (Or whatever the heck the real title is.) Then they decide they will have a battle of the bands to see who deserves the Lyre.

They all arrive in Meloria, the musical capital of Greece. They announce they are holding a compitition for the Lyre and the town's people break out into a song which I'm told is from Bye Bye Birdie. Xena's mom is in town and announces to Xena that she's decided to help Xena find a father for her child. Meanwhile Gabrielle, who is holding auditions for the competition, discovers that for some reason everybody in the town is tone deaf. But then Jace, Joxer's other twin brother, shows up and does some musical number and impresses everyone. By the way, there is a running gag in this episode that they continually try to find new ways to describe Jace. He's... different. He's... unique. What they are trying to say, but for some reason won't, is that he's gay.

Joxer finds a new grrl to have a crush on: Amoria, leader of the local Amazons. Jace arrives, and Joxer is embarrased by him and tells him to keep his distance. Jace, upset, has an awkward talk with Xena about it (awkward because of the directing or editing. The conversation is going, and then suddenly with no reason Jace is walking out of the door.) But now, and for the rest of the episode Xena is accosted by men selected or advertised for by her mother in order to wed Xena. Meanwhile Gabrielle finds herself becoming jealous over Joxer's attentions to Amoria. Draco approaches Gabrielle to once again declare his undying love for her. She dismisses him by kneeing him in the family jewels. He goes into a dream sequence where he chases Gabrielle while singing "Always Something There To Remind Me." He then declares if he can't have Gabrielle, then no one will.

Amoria expresses a liking of Jace, prompting Joxer to try some sort of reconcilitation with him. Gabrielle admits her jealousy of the situation to Xena, who lightly chides her. Xena runs into her mom who says,

"All I want is for you to have a family, Xena."
"I have a family! I've got Gabrielle; I've got Joxer; and as much as it pains me to say it, I've got you. This child's life will be filled with more than enough love."

She then sings "Sister Are Doing It For Themselves" while scantily dressed women dance around her. (You should especially keep an eye out for the red head with the shorn hair.) Xena's mom admits "You've always danced to the beat of your own drum, Xena. I suppose it would be foolish of me to stop you now." Finally, Gabrielle is captured by Draco.

Draco and his band sing "Kick Out The Jams" while threatening Gabrielle with a flame-throwing guitar. Xena shows up and fights Draco while they rap. Xena ends up winning the contest even though Draco was a much better rapper than she was. (Sorry folks, Lucy has a beautiful singing voice, but she cannot rap as well as Draco could.) Gabrielle admits to Joxer that she had confused emotions about his attention to Amoria. She apologizes for treating him lightly, then slams him back down when he asks her out on a date. Everybody finishes with a big musical number. Rhonda has pointed out to me that during this final son, "People Got To Be Free," Xena sings "I'll do unto you what you do to me" as she dances behind Gabrielle with her hand on her shoulder. They exchange a look.

Let me talk about Gabrielle for a bit. One of the things I have loved about Xena from the begining and have professed time and again is the great character evolution for Gabrielle. She has a true character arc from which she learns and evolves. But they have decided to throw away this method of storytelling this season in favor of a character who changes radically from episode to episode. They've gone down some interesting paths, but then completely abandoned those ideas after and episode or two. Okay, Xena's pregnant, so naturally Gabrielle is going to become the fighter of the group. I can see why they have to do that. I can even see why Gabrielle would do that, though I think the 180 degree switch was a little too abrupt after her experience with pacifism. So she suddenly becomes this super warrior who is on par with Xena. Then last episode they show a conflict within Gabrielle: she is now too violent. She has trouble controlling herself. This, I thought was a great idea, a great path to go down. But then we get this episode, which does not pick up that thread at all, and in fact has Gabrielle EASILY captured as if she were the same little peasant girl she was in episode one. It is after I watch episodes like this, and then see a preview for next week's episode which features people being hit in the face with pies, that I wonder to myself, "Why am I still watching this show?"

Punch Lines

Written by Chris Manheim

Directed by Andrew Merrifield

Synopsis & commentary:

While Xena is sleeping, Gabrielle is trying to write a story with little success. Aphrodite appears, after all they ARE sleeping in her temple, and decides to have a slumber party with Gabrielle. (Luckily, Aphrodite is ALWAYS dressed for a slumber party.) Gabrielle starts to complain about her day. Her is when we find out that this is one of those episodes where they've saved themselves ten minutes of shooting by showing us clips from episodes we've already seen. That morning, Gabrielle and Xena have a discussion about Xena's crankiness. (Clips of Xena being cranky.) They then make a bet. "How abouta whole month of cooking and cleaning thhat you can't go through a whole day without losing yhour temper," asks Gabrielle. "You throw in back rubs and you've got a deal," answers Xena. Gabrielle takes Argo down to a stream to wash him. As she does so, Argo shrinks to about half her former size.

Back in the "present," in Aphrodite's temple, Aphrodite is psychoanalyzing Gabrielle. "Patient is hostile and insecure," she writes. "Possibly masking some latent tendencies." Meanwhile, in the story, Gabrielle is pleading with the god Lachryhmose to restore Argo to her original size. "So?" responds Lachrymose. "I've never laughed in my whole life." If this seems a little awkward and irrelevant to you, it's because IT IS. Then Gabrielle, suddenly losing about 110 IQ points, bets she can make the god laugh. Meanwhile, Joxer and Xena are in a tavern being tortured by a wailing baby (finally, a scene I can agree with.) Gabrielle tells Lachrymose stories which are actually excuses to show more clips from previous episodes. While Gabrielle stalls Xena, Argo escapes.

When we come back from commercials, we find Aphrodite trying to put the moves on Gabrielle. Aphrodite is in a bubble bath, and Gabrielle asks "What is that smell? It smells like chocolate." "Essence of white chocolate to be exact," responds Aphrodite. "Haven't you heard that chocolate is an aphrodesiac? It's one of my little secrets." In the story Gabrielle goes searching for Argo in a grocery store. (?!) Lachrymose arrives and shrinks Gabrielle for some reason I don't even remember. Probably didn't make any logical sense like everything else in this episode. Mini-Gabby enlists Joxer's help to thwart Lachrymose.

Oddly enough, it works. Joxer tricks Lachrymose into enlarging Gabrielle. They run and hide in a tavern where Xena finally finds out about Argo and freaks. Now a pie fight ensues. yes, yes, that's right, a pie fight. I know. Don't even bother saying it, I know. So anyway, Lachrymose arrives, gets hit with a pie, laughs, and everything is set right. Xena seems pretty happy as the episode ends. "You know, I gotta tell ya, I am feeling a whole lot better. I mean, life's pretty sweet for me right now. I got no cooking, no cleaning, and backrubs for a month!"

Now one of the things I haven't mentioned in this review is that there is a barbarian who keeps bumping into Xena threatening to beat her up for vanquishing his brother. Why have I omitted this? Because it is REMARKABLY irrelevant. Now, if a shmuck like me can figure that out, how come the writer couldn't? Another odd thing is the pie fight at the end of the episode. In this tavern is a contingent of shriners, and opera singer, and a cowboy. For some reason, the opera singer almost makes sense. Almost. But what the heck is the cowboy doing in this scene? They may as well inserted random scenes from Pokemon or something.

Disclaimer: Gabrielle and Argo were Shrunk and Permanently Pressed during the production of this motion picture.

God Fearing Child

Teleplay by Roberto Gaston Orci & Alex Kurtzman

Story by Chris Manheim

Directed by Philip Sgriccia

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: Zeus confers with the Fates over dark visions he has seen. They reveal that his rule is coming to an end. Meanwhile, Gabrielle is telling Xena about her dream when Hercules arrives, bearing a gift for Xena's child. However, their reunion is interrupted by the arrival of many blue-robed warriors. After defeating them, Xena finds out that they have been ordered by Zeus to kill Xena's unborn child.

Segement two: Xena kills one of the Proxidicae (the blue guys) and Hercules reveals that the others get stronger when one is killed. They wisely decide to run. Xena reveals that she will hide and possibly try to kill Zeus by gaining Hades' Helmet Of invisibility. Hercules decides to talk to his father, and if that doesn't work, go get the Rib Of Chronos which will kill a god. Xena and Gabrielle have a heart to heart swearing to protect Xena's child. Hercules confronts Zeus, but Zeus is not interested in listening. Hercules disowns his father. Xena and Gabrielle swim to Tartarus, only to find that the Proxidicae are there looking for them. Zeus summons Ares to distract Hercules while he hunts down Xena. Ares gets permission to kill Hercules. As he is about to do so, Hera arrives.

Segment three: Hera saves Hercules from Ares. In Tartarus, Xena finds Solan. It turns out, he chose against the Elysian Fields to avoid the blissful forgetfulness. In Tartarus, he gets to see Xena, though as a reminder of the life he is no longer a part of. Xena decides to rescue him. Hera reveals to Hercules that she is helping him behind Zeus' back. She is on his side. Xena and Solan have a heart to heart, because Solan is jealous of Xena's baby. Xena reminds Solan of how much she loves and owes him. However, she Gabrielle and Solan fall into a trap set by Hades.

Segment four: Xena and Gabrielle fight the Proxidicae. Gabrielle grabs and uses the Helmet and Xena and Solan escape during the confusion. Hera reveals to Hercules where the corpse of Chronos is. Zeus finds out from Ares that Hera has turned against him. Ares appears to Xena and reveals that he loves her and will protect her if she wants to live out a mortal life with him, which she, of course, refuses. Xena, Gabrielle, and Solan find a doorway to the Elysian Fields. Hades finds them there and orders his guards to attack. Xena fights them while having contractions. Solan makes it to the Elysian Fields.

Segment five: Gabrielle and Xena exit Tartarus through some door. Zeus confronts Hera and Hercules as Hercules gets Chronos' rib. Hera protects Hercules by zapping Zeus. Hercules takes off to help Xena and Gabrielle, who are battling the Proxidicae. They manage to vanquish them with the rib. Xena has had enough of her contractions and decides to get down and dirty with the actual birth. Zeus kills Hera and drops in on the birth. Xena pleads with Gabrielle to leave so that she will not get caught between Xena and Zeus. Gabrielle ignores her. Hercules battles Zeus. Just as Xena gives birth, Hercules manages to impale Zeus with the rib. Xena gives birth to a baby girl, which she names "Eve" (Solan's idea.)

Disclaimer: Zeus Cashed in his Chips during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle's dream: "Xena, wait. I had a dream last night; you and I were both giving birth to your baby. It was like it was coming from both of us."
"That's very nice."

Xena and Gabrielle's chat by the pond to Tartarus. "You and I will dedicate our lives to protect your baby. Come on, you can't fail," says Gabrielle.
"We won't fail," agrees Xena.

Hades knows how to tempt Xena: "If you surrender now, I'll spare your friend."

When Gabrielle returns with the Helmet, Xena greets her with "It's good to see you."

When Xena falls to her knees with the contractions, she calls out for Gabrielle.

Xena begs Gabrielle to help her take off her clothes while she is doing the whole birthing thing.

Gabrielle delivers the baby.

Commentary:

This episode returns us to the more traditional, i.e. less stupid, storytelling for Xena. This makes me slightly optimistic for the future episodes. By more traditional storytelling I am referring to the plot which is not as stupid as it could be, and they keep stopping to make the "human connection:" Xena and Solan, Hercules and Hera, Hercules and Zeus. This sadly leaves out Gabrielle, and gives a hell of a lot of screen time to Hercules, but hey, it's a small step in the right direction.

Why, every time they show the fates, they have some NEW way of organizing the threads of life? These women are fickle! Also, If one were to count their threads, there must never be more than about a thousand people in the world. Do they only keep track of the important people? I don't get it. Oh wait a sec, I DO! The people who make this show don't care about continuity!

Now if we are to assume that the people making this show do NOT care about continuity, then one great thing to change would be this stupid way of travelling to Tartarus. I mean, swimming in a pond?! Whatever.

What happened to the original actor who played Solan? This new one not only doesn't look like him at all, but also doesn't sound like him. The original had a very distinct accent. Now, my advice is this: if you are going to replace a character with a different actor, do NOT show a clip of the original actor! But that is exactly what they do in this episode, in the scene in which they introduce the new actor. It is as if they are trying to reinforce the difference between the two.

Loved the visual effect with Gabrielle putting on the Helmet Of Invisibility.

Xena has two different fights WHILE she is having contractions. Uh huh. Yeah, right. I mean, we all know that Xena is one messed-up-powerful woman, but if she can do this, she may as well lay down on the ground and shoot the baby out of her as a weapon. (Ha! How's THAT for a mental picture?)

Zeus says to Hercules, as he lays dying, "Hercules, you've never disappointed me. Especially today." Wow, that guy is forgiving. Why do I have the feeling that my father would not feel the same way if I disowned him, and then stabbed him in the chest, thereby killing him.

Did anybody doubt that the baby would be a girl? But "Eve?" Memo to self: Do not let the dead name babies.

Eternal Bonds

Written by Chris Manheim

Directed by Mark Beesley

Episode synopsis:

Segment one: Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve are being attacked by the gods. They are chased by storms, lightning, fire, and tornados. They save themselves by ducking into a cave, where Joxer and three magi are waiting for them. The magi ask permission to present gifts, but Xena smells a trap. Things get nasty as the magi pull out weapons.

Segment two: A battle ensues, during which Joxer is wounded. The magi were sent by the priests of three different temples, representatives of Artemis, Poseidon, and Apollo. Xena realizes that Joxer was poisoned by the sword of Apollo's follower. She tells Gabrielle to escort Joxer to the mandrake tree at the north end of the valley for the antidote. The priests who had sent the assassins realize their plan failed, so they all swear to commit all of their forces to tracking down and killing Xena and her "spawn." Gabrielle discovers a red line moving up Joxers arm, confirming that he has been poisoned. Someone sneaks up on Xena as she breastfeeds.

Segment three: Xena fights off a bunch of warriors without ever putting down Eve. Ares tries to convince Xena that he wants to fight beside her in his dying days. Later that night, Xena has a dream where Ares saves Eve, and they end up in a passionate kiss. Gabrielle and Joxer encounter the priests and their warriors.

Segment four: Gabrielle and Joxer are spared because they claim to be pilgrims seeking Artemis' temple. Joxer is getting seriously ill, falling off of his horse and wandering in and out of consciousness. Xena sets up false trails to the south and eventually heads north towards the tree. She arrives there before anyone else, and from above spots armies moving onto the field. Ares appears again, and she learns that all of his sweet talk is because he wants to sire a child with her to continue his line.

Segment five: Joxer becomes so sick he is no longer able to travel. Gabrielle signals Xena using a parchment of hers as a kite. Xena arrives, but so don't the three armies. As they attack, Ares freezes the army, offering once more to have a child with her. She of course refuses. The battle continues. Xena kills the three priests with her chakram, and the armies run away, leaderless. Xena gives Joxer the antidote. He quickly recovers. All is well.

Disclaimer: Ares' virility was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Moments Of Subtext:

Gabrielle whines about taking Joxer to the tree, alone. "Joxer, I'm taking you to the mandrake tree and that leaves Xena and Eve alone, okay? It's making me nervous."
Later: "It's just hard knowing that the people I love are in danger and I'm not there."
"You're talking about Xena, right? I'm sure she can handle herself."
"It doesn't mean I don't want to be there..."

When Ares and Xena are talking, Xena lists his "coming on" to her best friend as a reason for hating him.

Xena becomes physically ill when she remembers her naughty dream with Ares.

Commentary:

Gabrielle begins the episode by saying "The gods are throwing everything they've got at us." Now, am I the only person finding it difficult to get a grasp of just exactly what gods are and aren't capable of? I mean, if all the gods have gotten together to destroy Xena and her child in order to save their own lives, and the worst they can come up with is a storm, doesn't that seem kinda...sad? They avoid being slaughtered by the wrath of the gods by hiding in a cave!

Now the whole premise of this episode is that Xena and Gabrielle must split up so that Gabrielle can go save Joxer's life. Why? Why split up? They never bother to explain that. All Xena does while they are gone is breastfeed Eve and lay down a few false trails. And she STILL manages to beat them to the tree anyways. The armies do, too. Why didn't they all stay together in the first place?

Xena does an awful lot of fighting with an infant in her arms. This is just plain stupid. It is especially stupid when she is being attacked by THREE armies. How can three armies attack two women, and still manage to attack one at a time? This must be a very organized attack. So organized, in fact, that when the three leaders are killed, everybody else runs away. Why do they run away? Explain this to me. These are all religious armies who are fighting to save the lives of their gods. Yet they give up when three of them get hurt.

Now, I don't know much about the physics of freezing time. But my common sense tells me that if you freeze time and are able to look at all the frozen people, they will NOT have motion blur. But as I said, what do I know?

Lesbian Subtext in Xena: Warrior Princess Season 4

2009-10-24T23:40:04Z

Season Four

Adventures In The Sin Trade

Subtext:

Xena is willing to undergo personal torment in order to see Gabrielle one last time.
- "Gabrielle--I'm entering a world of darkness I promised myself I'd never return to. But it's the only way I can see you again. ...I can hear you."
Xena's mind turns to the past, when she met Alti and her "friend" Anoken. Lesbianism abounds.
- Anoken is dressed very similar to Gabrielle.
- Alti strokes Anoken's hair and head, while Anoken smiles, purrs, breathes heavily, and moans a little bit as she rubs her head on Anoken's hand.
- Xena licks her top lip as she watches this display. "Please, make yourselves at home" she says.
Xena declares her feelings for Gabrielle while she is presiding over the funeral pyre of an unknown amazon.
- "Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you."
- Then follows a montage of scenes showing "moments of togetherness" between Xena and Gabrielle while Xena continues talking: "You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever."
- During the montage, Xena, still at the funeral pyre, is crying and wailing.
Xena reveals that she is willing to die for Gabrielle.
- "I'm looking for a friend. She should have passed through the gate and into eternity by now."
  "So you plan to follow her into eternity?"
  "That's right."
  "So will you be able to get back from there?"
  "I don't know."
  "She must be some friend."
  "She's the only friend."
Xena alters her plan to follow Gabrielle into eternity because of Gabrielle's effect on her life.
- "I can't, Gabrielle. I can't. You know nothing would make me happier than seeing you again. You're my light. I just realized what it was that you gave me: a light of my own. There's something I gotta do. Something you'd want me to do. I love you."

Notes:

In this episode we see a new grieving process for Xena. Each time Gabrielle dies (see also Is There A Doctor In The House? in seasone one) Xena is completely focused on Gabrielle, on seeing Gabrielle, getting Gabrielle back. This is unlike the reactions she has had to the deaths of other loved ones. She barely mentions Solan after he dies. In fact, she is more focused on Gabrielle's betrayal than the death of her son. When her "one true love," Marcus dies, she seems a little sad. (i cannot tell you how many anti-subtext emails i get each week saying "What about Marcus!? He was Xena's one true love!" Well, just look how she responds to his death, and how she responds to each of Gabrielle's. NOW who does she love more?) In fact, in Marcus' case Xena even kills him to get him back to the afterlife.

Then there is Alti and Anoken. Xena could not be more fascinated or instantly drawn to these two women. Why is this? In the timeline, these flashbacks take place soon after Xena's time with Lao-ma. If Lao-ma opened up Xena's lesbian side, then Xena is now ripe for exploration. She immediately takes to these two women. She grieves almost uncontrollably during battle when she finds Anoken dead. Even Borias is disturbed. "You knew her for less than a moon." he says, trying to understand her reaction. Xena continues to have a strong devotion to Alti which Borias keeps trying to attribute to a spell.

This episode reveals that Amazons are not one specific tribe, but a scattered group of women warriors in the known world. It is not said where the tribe that Alti has cursed is from, nor who are the tribe of young women who adopt Xena. All that is said is that they are not the Amazons from Greece or Mesopotamia. The universal rule seems to be that Amazons are societies of only women. One such society of young women bond with Xena in this episode, immediately accepting her as a leader figure.

Also, while Xena is fighting the bezerker at the end it was odd to me that Xena seemed unwilling to draw her sword until she absolutely, positively had to. Is this Gabrielle's influence on her? While Gabrielle is dead, Xena is taking some of her character traits to heart?

Adventures In The Sin Trade II

Xena and Otere "bond."
- Xena has her new amazon chums build her and Otere a sauna, where Xena whacks Otere with a branch, and rubs her down.
- When Xena is done Otere sits up and asks "So, what do we do now?"
Xena relates the tale where she meets Cyane, amazon queen, for the first time.
- Xena is climbing around on the roof of Cyane's sauna, "peeping" at Cyane's nearly nude body.
- Close-ups of Xena's eyes show not that she is there to assassinate Cyane as she later says, but that she is very...interested in what is going on below her. (Cyane is nude except for a g-string loin cloth and another amazon is whacking her with a branch.)
- When Xena is discovered (by falling through the roof) she dispatches the amazon, but then just stands there, gazing at Cyane, who is naked and trying to cover herself.
- Cyane starts removing Xena's clothing and putting it on herself. It could be argued that Xena is letting her do this, until the close up of Cyane's eyes, when she starts scowling at Xena, and THEN Xena knows she is in danger, and starts trying to defend herself (uselessly.)
- Borias confronts Cyane as she is strangling Xena. "She tried to kill me" says Cyane. "Is that true, Xena?" asks Borias. Xena does not answer. (Hint that it may not be true? She WAS peeping!) After Cyane leaves, Xena tells Borias, "We should definitely hang with her for a while."
Back in the sauna of love, Xena makes a proposal to Otere.
- "...Otere, if you learned anything from that monster I used to be, it was how to stay dead; how to be numb to anything that is beautiful or meaningful. And I can never ask your forgiveness. But I do ask that you let me help you build a new life. That's what my friend Gabrielle did for me."
- Otere and Xena look into each other's eyes for a long moment. Otere takes a deep breath as she makes a personal decision. "Alright." "Thank you" replies Xena.
Xena rewards Yakut for battling the spirit that invaded her body with a hug.
In the past, Cyane invites Xena to join the Amazon way.
- "At heart you're an Amazon whether you believe it or not." "Not for me, Cyane." Cyane then says, disparagingly: "What is for you, then? Life with Borias?!"
- "...Join us. We can teach you a new way, a new code to live by. We live for each other, not ourselves."
Alti gets jealous of Cyane's advances on her grrl.
- To Xena she says: "You and I love the same things."
- Cyane comes along and soul-wrestles Alti to the ground. She says "Don't put your soul in her hands, Xena. She'll destroy it."
In the present, Xena sees Gabrielle floating above her.
- Gabrielle morphs into Alti. Hinting that there is a connection between the two? Both were lovers of Xena? (Gabrielle being dead for the present moment.)
- Alti acts like a jealous lover, grappling with Xena while yelling "Tell me who she is! Tell me who the blonde one is! Tell me who she is!"
- Xena responds: "She's goodness and innocence, Alti. And she'll live inside me forever. She frightens you 'cause she represents what can defeat you."
Alti forces Xena to experience events from the future that are meant to cause her pain.
- Xena and Gabrielle are being crucified by the Romans on a snowy plain. Xena turns and sees Gabrielle. Both look much battered and Gabrielle's hair is cut short. "Gabrielle--you're the best thing in my life." "I love you Xena."
Knowing that Gabrielle will be with her in the future gives Xena the strength to defeat Alti.
- "Yakut--the new holy word that the shamaness must give the Amazon dead: it's love."
Xena leaves her newfound chums.
- "Where are you going?" "Home. She's alive."

Notes:

Xena is definitely grooming this Otere woman to replace Gabrielle. Also, Cyane is putting the moves on Xena, trying to seduce her away from the darkside. But once she finds out that Gabrielle is alive, all is well with Xena. She no longer needs this new life she has built for herself. She has found her soulmate.

From where i'm sitting, enough cannot be said about Amazons. They know how to live: in large female-only communities dedicated to each other. Everybody, it just does not get any better than this.

A Family Affair

Xena reveals to Joxer that Gabrielle is alive, but she seems much more concerned with finding her than Joxer, the one who professes his love of Gabrielle every chance he gets.
- Xena has an intense look in her eyes, and decides to go to Poteidaia, running off camera. Joxer just kinda...stands there.
In Poteidaia, Xena "senses" that Gabrielle/Hope is near her, and turns around to see "Gabrielle" standing several feet away with her back to her.
- When Xena is reunited with "Gabrielle" she hugs her and holds her, her hands continually rubbing "Gabrielle's" back.
- Joxer excuses himself giving them alone-time.
- "I can't believe you're here," says "Gabrielle."
  "The gods couldn't keep me away," replies Xena.
- "I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you forever," says Xena with a catch in her voice.
- Joxer interrupts them to ask them to follow him. He turns away from them with an embarrassed look on his face.
Xena has a very tense meeting with Gabrielle's family.
- "Xena. We wondered when you'd get here," remarks Herodotus coldly.
  "Hello. It's nice to see you all too," replies Xena awkwardly.
- "Oh what a nice young man. So gallant!" says Hecuba to "Gabrielle," referring to Joxer while leading her away from Xena.
- "So, how's she been?" Xena asks Herodotus.
  "Without you? Just fine."
  "I meant after everything she's been through."
  "You should know. Seducing her away from home with your heroics; filling her head with strange ideas. How's she been? Changed forever because of you."
In the barn, Xena's manner of speaking is a lot more casual with "Gabrielle" than it is with other people.
- "Are you giving up?" asks Gabrielle as they attempt to trap the Destroyer. Xena just gives her a look which is the only answer "Gabrielle" needs.
- "I missed you Xena."
  "Back atcha."
Xena discovers that Gabrielle is actually Hope.
- "I wanted to believe it too, 'cause she is GOOD, but she's NOT Gabrielle," Xena tells Joxer.*
More tension between Xena and Gabrielle's parents.
- "I appreciate that she saved our lives," says Herodotus to Hecuba, "That doesn't give her the right to take our little girl."
  "Oh sweetheart, Gabrielle's not a child. If she wants to go with Xena we can't just lock her in her room."
  "Talk to her, let her know the kind of mistake that she's making."
  "What kind of mistake is that?" interrupts Xena.
  "The kind of mistake that can ruin a life, or take one," retorts Herodotus.
  "If you're looking for Gabrielle, she went for a walk" says Hecuba.
  "Without you" emphasizes Herodotus.
  "Did she." says Xena.
  "That's right." returns Herodotus. "They wanted to spend some time alone."
Xena raises her sword to kill "Hope" and instantly realizes that it is Gabrielle.
- "Gabrielle? Is that you?"
- Sandra pointed out to me: "When Xena realizes she has her sword drawn on the real Gabrielle, she drops it and whipsers, "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry!"
- This reuniting scene is much better, much more emotionally moving than the first one. Both women are misty eyed or weeping and hug ferociously.
- "I searched for you," says Xena. "I searched for you. I was afraid that..."
  "You thought I was dead."
  "Yeah."
  "What else could you think?"
  "I could've had faith. You would have. I should've known you'd survive."
- There is much hand holding. Xena kisses Gabrielle's hand.
- They share some unspoken dialog.
  - "I don't know how to tell you this..." begins Xena.
    "Hope's alive," finishes Gabrielle after a pause.
Even Hope believes that Gabrielle's first priority is to Xena.
- "I loved you, Hope. I just had to stop you."
  "For Xena?" asks Hope sharply.
  "No, for us all."
Xena and Gabrielle bond at the end of the episode.
- "I was trapped in a cycle of violence and hatred. And no matter how I tried to break free, something always pulled me back. Until you."
  "Xena..."
  "No, it's true. You talk about trying to find your way. But to me, you are my way."
  "How can I be your way when I'm lost myself?"
  "I'm searching for answers too. But how we look for them doesn't matter as long as we look for them together. You and me."
- Gabrielle sits down next to Xena, wraps her arm around her, and puts her head on her shoulder.

This episode is beautifully acted by Renee O'Connor. During the first reunion scene, i felt kinda cheated. It felt like something was missing. Looking back on it, i think it is perfectly done, with it being very clear in retrospect that it was OBVIOUSLY not Gabrielle, but it is not so obvious the first time one watches it. This episode is also well written. i enjoyed that the dialog between Xena and Gabrielle is so much different than it is between any other characters. Sentences tend to trail off, to not finish themselves. Because these two know each other so well, they don't need to complete their thoughts.

The tension between Xena and Gabrielle's parents is also beautifully done. Gabrielle's not "daddy's little girl" anymore and he is feeling the hurt. A great example of bringing your lesbian girlfriend home to meet the folks. Never a good situation, is it?

How do you know when you are watching WAY too much Xena? When the scenes between Hope, Gabrielle, and the Destroyer fill you with emotion like they did me.

* insight provided by dalgcassian.

In Sickness And In Hell

The opening shot shows Xena, asleep, and we hear Gabrielle's voice, soothing, beconing, saying "Xena...wake up." Xena rolls to her side and smiles, eyes still closed.
In a cave, Xena is thinking out loud when she hears "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" from Gabrielle. She whirls to see Gabrielle, only to find her scratching her back on Xena's Chakram.
Xena needs to use the "bathroom" while Gabrielle is also attending to duties behind a bush. She grabs Gabrielle and throws her out. *
- "Next time find your own bush!" yells Gabrielle.
- "Girls, please, there's bushes enough for everybody!" says Joxer.
Xena attempts to do her usual "sum up" with Gabrielle
- "This week's been kinda tough on everyone, I guess. But, you know, I'm always there for you and you're always there for me..."

Notes:

When i watched this episode the second time, pen in hand with which to take notes, i was expecting to be writing a lot. i remembered this as a VERY subtextual episode. As i finished the episode with very few notes taken, i realized that there were very few specific examples of subtext here. It was more the TONE of the episode that reveals anything about the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle. They are constantly bickering in the episode, like an old couple. The tone of their bickering, and the tone of the whole episode, is very playful. And this playfulness reveals as much about their affection for each other as a whole episodes of "I love you's."

Also, special attention should be paid to the episode's title, which is obviously a play on the phrase "in sickness and in health" which is from MARRIAGE ceremonies.

I can't believe I needed to have this one pointed out to me. Good work, Latincold!

A Good Day

Gabrielle and Planagus' wife bond over their fighting loved ones.*
- "You've done this before?"
  "A couple of times," responds Gabrielle.
  "I've never been in a war; I've only wondered what it was like. When I think of Phlanagus out there...fighting...sometimes the thoughts are too much to bear."
  "I know what you mean."
Xena and Phlanagus return from their trip to Caesar's army. Phlanagus gives his wife a kiss before running back out to check on the catapults. Xena watches this kiss, licks her lips and says "Gabrielle, come with me." They both walk off camera.
When Caesar reveals how he has tricked Xena's troops, Xena is not concerned for the troops, she is concerned for Gabrielle, and runs out into the war to find her.
After the battle, Xena finds a distraught Gabrielle. Gabrielle recounts the events of the day in a mechanical fashion, saying "Everything worked out just like you said...[looking down at Phlanagus' body]...almost everything." It is only now, in Xena's presence that Gabrielle allows the events of the day to impact her and she breaks down crying. Xena kisses her on the forehead and holds her.**
Xena tells Gabrielle: "All this is for a reason. Otherwise, what's the point? I was asking myself that same question when I first met you." Implying that Gabrielle is the point for Xena.

Another subtext-lite episode for this season. No surprise really. When Caesar shows up, you know they aren't going to write many Xena-Gabrielle scenes. What else is there to say about this episode? This show, which makes liberal use of slow motion, takes it to the ludicrous extreme in this episode. Long, slow montages lasting for five minutes of a village burning. An entire war between two armies done only in slow motion, so that we not only get to see the horrors of war, we get to study them, memorize them, look at our watches wondering when they will be over, go to the kitchen and make a meal...

*Insight provided by D.B.

**Insight provided by BaybeeJune

A Tale Of Two Muses

Xena responds to Gabrielle's poem about the season only when it gets to something aproaching 'intimacy.'
- "Life's brutal truths unsoftened by it's tender mercies," reads Gabrielle
  "You know, I like that," responds Xena.
Gabrielle tries to persuade Tara to stay away from the town.
- "I think that you should stay with us."
Xena gropes Gabrielle while they go to bed.
- "I gotta dance," says Gabrielle, rising from her blanket.
- Xena whips out her hand and pushes Gabrielle down, leaving her hand on Gabrielle's chest a little longer than is necessary.
- "Go to sleep," mumbles Xena.
Instructing the children in dance, Xena refers to Gabrielle, saying "My lovely assistant and I will put it together," and then they dance together.
When the children come out dancing for their parents, Tara and Gabrielle dance together in the foreground.
The episode ends with a slow motion hug between Xena and Gabrielle.

Notes:

If "Footloose" needs anything, it is a parady, not a tribute. At least Tara was not as annoying in this episode as she was in "Forgiven."

Also, all the main characters in this episode end up dancing with a male partner except Gabrielle; she always dances with females.

Oh, and this episode was directed by Michael Hurst.

Locked Up And Tied Down

The episode opens with Gabrielle giving Xena a very satisfying backrub.
- "I can't find it" says Gabrielle, searching Xena's back.
  "It's there."
  "I got it; I got it!" (she doesn't have it.)
  "Gabrielle, stop searching with your eyes."
  "Alright, no eyes" says Gabrielle as she moves fully behind Xena and REALLY starts rubbing.
  "Find it?" Xena then lets out a satisfied moan. "You found it."
  "I learn from the best."
Xena's remembrances of Thelassa have a lot of tension to them. Perhaps a crush?
- At the trial, Xena describes Thelassa as having "a light," a term she frequently, and until this moment, exclusively, uses to describe Gabrielle.
- As they part on the wharf, Xena explains:
  - "Gabrielle, she was like you. She had your kind of spirit."
  - Xena reaches up to touch Gabrielle's face. The guards seperate them, and they try to hold hands as long as possible.
Gabrielle and Thelassa share an intimate scene of soft dialogue and probing looks.
- "Where does it hurt?" asks Gabrielle, provocatively. *
- "You'll need to put this salve on twice a day," says Gabrielle.
  "Will you do it for me?"
  "When I come for treatments, yes."
- "You have such warmth and beauty. I had that once, too," says Thelassa.
  "If you give yourself a chance, you may rediscover your soul."
- "You can't wait to serve, can you?" asks Thelassa after Gabrielle has treated her.
The lead guard is immediately jealous of Gabrielle's relationship with Thelassa.
- "Wouldn't want anything to happen to her pet healer, now, would we?
Thelassa feels betrayed by Gabrielle.
- "What a fool I was. You know, I thought you liked me but you're only using me to free her."
- "You know, for a moment I was begining to believe what you said about rediscovering the beauty of my soul."
  "It was happening. I could see it."
  "Gabrielle, it's over."
Thelassa, despite what Gabrielle has done, is hesitant at first to condemn her to the hangman, and then finally backs down, unable to do it.
Xena arrives at the courtyard where all the prisoners are fighting the guards in a large riot. Xena just pushes her way through saying, "Get out of my way! Gabrielle?!"
Thelassa reveals what Gabrielle has done for her.
- "Your friend here, she helped me get back in touch with something these last few days. My soul."

* comment provided by Shaman.

Notes:

Now, what more proof do you need that this is a series about lesbians, than the fact that they've finally done the required women's prison episode. This lesbian staple of american cinema is finally given the Xena treatment, but the twist is that all the tension is between Gabrielle and Thelassa. It seems thay are barely restraining themselves from tearing off each other's clothes in the scene where they meet each other. Is Gabrielle trying to keep her options open in case Xena has to stay in jail?

Crusader

When Najara removes her face cloth, Xena gives her an odd look. Almost as if to say "Oh, it's a girl!" But with Najara's prominent breasts, that isn't possible, so it must have been "Oh! It's a hottie!"
Najara is prevented/prevents herself from killing Gabrielle by some mystical understanding that they are kindred souls.
Najara hits on Gabrielle.
- "You've suffered much, Gabrielle, but you've retained your good heart."
  - Saying a line like this to Gabrielle is like saying "Gabrielle, please have sex with me this instant."
  - Gabrielle reacts to this line. She even glances down for a second. (If she were looking at Najara's eyes, the glance would be to about chest level. Hmmm...)
Najara invites Xena and Gabrielle to join her. Xena is hesitant.
- Xena is aware of the instant bond between Gabrielle and Najara. She is, of course, jealous.
- "The djinn think that you should come; and I would love that."
  - Gabrielle is eager to join Najara now.
Najara and Gabrielle find some time to be alone.
- "Are you looking for Marat's men?"
  "No, I'm just enjoying the scenery."
  "You do that, too?"
  "Yes, all the time."
  - Okay, come on. Gabrielle is so intense about striking up a conversation with this women that this is the best she can do? "Wow, you look at things too?! I don't know anybody else who looks at things. Especially the scenery?! And here we are, wandering a land which has nothing else to look at but SCENERY!!"
Referring to the djinn, Najara says: "They're so wonderful. So full of love and goodness."
- As is Najara and Gabrielle.
Around the campfire (and, by the way, Xena and Gabrielle get their own campfire away from everyone else,) Najara speaks of the hospice she wishes to establish.
- Xena glares. Why is Xena glaring so angrily? The only explanation is jealousy. Funny, it's a good explanation for most of what Xena does in this episode.
- Gabrielle is practically drooling.
- Xena loks at Gabrielle. It's as if she is looking back and forth between Gabrielle and Najara thinking, "I can't believe they're going at it right in front of me!"
Najara praises Xena's caution.
- "And you should listen to her. Don't trust me too soon. Xena is wiser in that way."
  - Xena smiles for probably the first time in this episode. (Ha! I've won this round. Gabrielle is still mine!)
"Sleep well," says Najara to Xena and Gabrielle, returning to her own campfire.
"Oh, we will."
- "I don't know what to make of her," says Gabrielle as soon as they are alone.
- Xena glares and the music is dramatically ominous. (Maybe I should kill Najara...)
In battle, Najara catches an arrow, saving Gabrielle's life.
- This is an intensely dramatic moment. Xena keeps looking between Gabrielle and Najara with a shocked face. She realizes she just lost Gabrielle to Najara.
Najara gives a speech to the traders to change their evil ways, and gives a speech to the villagers she saved to forgive the slavers. During this, Gabrielle is basically jumping out of her skin due to her attraction to Najara.
Najara shows concern over Gabrielle's welfare to Xena.
- "Your vision of death, does it...?"
  "Yes, it includes Gabrielle."
Gabrielle interrupts Xena and Najara's barn chit-chat.
- She seems uncomfortable, and keeps glancing between the two. She makes sure to smile at Najara.
- Najara invites Gabrielle and Xena to join her.
  - Gabrielle waits for Xena to answer. When she doesn't, Gabrielle says "Yes!"
  - Xena's reluctance to commit is obviously a test to see whom Gabrielle prefers.
Xena worries about Gabrielle as they walk through the forest with Najara's army.
- "Gabrielle, you've been awfully quiet. You alright?"
  "Yeah, I was just thinking about yesterday. Amazing." (Yesterday = Najara.)
  "Yeah, amazing." (Xena doesn't sound impressed.)
Najara and Gabrielle ride off to bond, pretending to be looking at swans.
- Gabrielle never rides on Argo!
- Gabrielle wraps her arm around Najara as they ride off.
- Gabrielle hints that she might like to stay with Najara, but her bond with Xena may be too strong.
  - "You mentioned opening a hospice," begins Gabrielle.
    "That would be a good way, too. Why don't you do that? I don't mind if you start without me."
    "You see, if I do that, then Xena and I have to go our seperate ways. She's not the hospice type."
    "Yes, I see. She's on a different path. Well, perhaps you need to commit totally to your life with Xena. You two do a lot of good."
    "We do."
- Najara puts the moves on Gabrielle.
  - "Gabrielle, you need to make a full commitment to the light. It will give you faith that what you're doing is right."
    "The light...I need something."
- Xena sneaks up on the two, and watches their conversation, proving her jealousy.
- By the end of the conversation, Xena is looking very forlorn.
Xena sacrifices her own happiness in order to preserve Gabrielle's life, and to help Gabrielle heal her soul.
- Xena announces that she is going after Marat. Gabrielle assumes that she is coming along.
  - "When do we head out?"
    "I'm heading out before dawn. You stay with Najara."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Sure."
Xena 'gives' Gabrielle to Najara.
- "Najara, your hospice: why don't you start it in the village you're going to take tomorrow?"
  "Ah, now I understand. You don't plan to return after your mission against Marat. You want a place to leave Gabrielle."
  "She'll die if she stays with me. You said it would take something drastic to change our destiny. Maybe this is it."
  "As soon as she realizes you left her, you know she'll follow you."
  "I see such joy in her eyes when she talks to you about your mission. She's been looking for meaning. Think you can give it to her? (Najara smiles.) It hasn't always been good for her, being with me. I seem to hurt her."
  "I know she forgives you. I promise I'll do everything I can to justify your trust."
  "You better. Thanks."
Xena watches Gabrielle sleeping. "Goodbye Gabrielle," she says with a pained look on her face.
Najara ends a speech announcing the opening of a hospice by wrapping her arm around Gabrielle and saying "May the light illuminate your way."
Gabrielle tells Najara, "I want to be initiated into the light."
- Najara holds Gabrielle's face in her hands, then hugs her.
Najara ends the ceremony initiating Gabrielle inot the light with a hug. (This ceremony for some reason reminds me of a marriage ceremony, albeit a new agey one.)
Xena returns, confronting Najara about her practice of killing prisoners.
- The intensity of Xena's questioning, the look in her eyes, her need for Najara to admit it: she wants Najara to have this flaw.
- Najara claims stewardship over Gabrielle because of the ceremony. (It was a marriage!)
  - "Gabrielle has turned to the light; she's my responsibility now. As you said yourself, you hurt her. That's not going to happen again."
To save Xena's life, Gabrielle throws herself onto Xena to prevent Najara from sticking a sword into her.
- "You'll have to kill us both."
- "I could never live with someone who killed her. There would be no going back from that."
  - Note the use of the phrase "live with."
  - It is this plea which prevents Najara from striking the killing blow.
"She's a tough girl, but she's got a weakness. It's the same one I've got," reveals Xena to the barkeep.
- What is the weakness? It's Gabrielle!
Xena confronts Najara, while Gabrielle is supposedly in danger.
- "If I can't have her, nobody's gonna have her." (Every good lie is 90% truth...maybe Xena really has snapped.)
- "It seems a little more difficult with a millstone like her around your neck, isn't it? You probably wouldn't care if one of your soldiers died. They'd just go up to that big ol' light in the sky. But you might miss Gabrielle, huh?"
- "If you don't mind my saying, your focus is a little off."
Najara is given to the local authorities.
- Xena asks, "Did you tell her about the vision?"
  "No. That would hurt her. And I don't ever want to do that."
- As they walk away from her, Najara says "I forgive you Gabrielle."

Notes:

Jinkies! i pretty much had to write down everything said in this episode to give a thorough review! It seems like they're trying to force me out of a job, because there is no way this could be considered subtext. The whole episode is about who will win Gabrielle. It is so much more fun to watch an episode like this from a subtext point of view. It means that for the first half hour, forty five minute, there is this incredible tension between Najara and Gabrielle, as if any second they will just rip off their clothes and go at each other. Really. It was almost disturbing.

This episode also plays into the long-standing rivalry between Argo and Gabrielle, which if i remember correctly, was first brought up in the episode “The Greater Good.” What is the source of this jealousy? Perhaps Argo is privy to the intimacies of the Xena/Gabrielle relationship and feels left out of something profound. (This analysis pointed out to me by zeogold.)

Past Imperfect

Xena is going off to warn the town Actus of an impending attack. "No sense in us both going. Stay here, catch up on some rest."
- They are both stowing away their blankets and such. Why does Gabrielle now need to catch up on some rest?
In the past, Evil Xena walks into her tent and immediately her servant grrl, Satrina, comes scampering to give her a back rub. Now, what kind of hetero warrior princess would have a servant grrl? I'm thinking that Xena began something with Alti, and now has a preference for servant grrls.
Back in the present, while Xena is breaking down the dam with some engineers, Pasicus watches her and says "She's amazing!" Gabrielle gives him a very weird look.
In the past again, Borias sneaks into Xena's tent while she's drugged and giving birth. "Before Alti, before all this, we had love Xena."
- Ha! So after Alti IS when Xena went for girl/girl action alone.
Some subtext in the scene of Xena giving birth, with only Satrina in attendance.
The show ends in another 'campfire scene.' This means it's confessional time for one of our heroines, this time Xena, and Gabrielle does her usual thing: looking sympathetic and concerned, stroking Xena's arm and hair, putting her head on Xena's shoulder in a half hug. Then, of course, the scene fades to a moon and finally the credits. Why the fade? BECAUSE THEY CANNOT SHOW WHAT CAME NEXT, SILLY!!!!

Notes:

Most of this episode centers not on surviving the seige, but on Gabrielle's safety. This need of Xena's to do Whatever it takes to guarantee Gabrielle's safety is, of course, Subtext!

Sorry folks, but if this is some attempt to make some new super-villain ala Callisto, it blew! Satrina just didn't do it for me.

The Key To The Kingdom

There's not much until the end, when Gabrielle finally makes her appearance in the episode.
- "What have you been doing?" asks Gabrielle.
  "Thinking of you," responds Xena, pulling Gabrielle to her as they passionately kiss.

Okay gang, i've watched this episode a couple of times, and i can't find anything. (For those of you who haven't seen the episode, or are relatively new to this Xena-subtext thing, the above quote is a joke and does not, in fact, exist.)

Daughter Of Pomira

Xena and Gabrielle are telling Rom and his wie that they will go get their daughter, Vanessa.
- Gabrielle says "Look, don't worry. I know that a child needs her mother and her father. Right Xena?" As she says these last two words, she glances down to Xena's breasts for no obvious reason.
At the end, after Vanessa has brung piece between the Pomira and the Greeks, Gabrielle turns to Xena and exclaims "We did it!" and throws her arms around Xena's neck as they kiss in joy. (Okay, okay, so this didn't really happen, but i thought this episode was SO subtext-lite that i could get away with making stuff up.)

Notes:

Okay, first off, in the opening flashback sequence, Xena is wearing the wrong costume. Usually they are pretty good with placing these flashbacks in a specific time period, but in this one she has her current costume, which would put her between the Hercules trilogy and Sins Of The Past. Oh, but wait, she was good by that point!

The only other thing i really have to say about this episode is that everytime the spoke to Milo i had to keep from cracking up, because Milo was the name of a dog i lived with. And it was a pathetic, smelly little pig thing.

If The Shoe Fits...

Xena wakes up, and immediately starts looking for Gabrielle.
(I can't believe i'm actually going to write this, but, for the sake of thoroughness:) Gabrielle explains to Xena why she is walking around in a sack:
- "I woke up; I took a bath; I know I put my shirt on that tree. It's just gone! Well, that doesn't make any sense. Unless an animal took it! You know, a fashionable Beaver, or..." (looking at her BGSB in a warlords mouth) "Oh, you didn't." (Come on folks, think about it!)
Walking down the road, Xena and Gabrielle chat.
- Gabrielle tells Xena, "I'm telling you, brown is not my color."
  "I kinda like it. It's got that rustic appeal."
  "Suitable for you, right?"
In Aphrodite's story, why is the evil step-sister, played by Xena, watching the evil step-mom (Aphrodite) have sex with four men?
Xena brings water to Gabrielle, who is cooking.
- "I saw Zantar's men down across the river. I'm gonna go down there and deal with them."
  "What do you want from me?" replies Gabrielle. "My skirt? My boots? My underwear?"
When Xena finally gets to tell the fairy tale, the prince comes to woo her, and she is just not interested.
- Also, Gabrielle is her fairy godsister, not mother.
Gabrielle objects to being the godsister of dishes.
- "Oh come on, it was just a story," replies Xena. "I just meant we were like family."
Alesia asks Xena, referring to the fairy tale: "Sis she and the prince get married and live happily ever after?"
"No. No, but she and her fairy godsister (Gabrielle) did make a pact: From now on, they would help one another be all that they could be."
"Gabrielle, why'd you come back?"
"It was what you said about being family. I realized that every family has their problems. But what's important is that we stay together. We work it out."
The episode ends with a group hug, with Gabrielle giving much more to the hug than Joxer.

Notes:

What can be said? i loved this episode. The humor was spot on, and character driven, which i think is much better than slapstick. (Though slapstick also has its time and place.)

Paradise Found

In the begining of the episode, Gabrielle strips and dresses in front of Xena.
Xena and Gabrielle wake up in Aiden's world.
- Gabrielle says: "I fell down a hole..."
  "Yeah, what is it with you and holes, huh?" quips Xena.*
- Aiden lists the benefits of staying in his land for the night.
  - "A warm bath?" asks Gabrielle. Aiden smiles. Gabrielle slaps Xena on the back and grins, looking at her.
- Xena and Gabrielle share a bath. While in there, Gabrielle gives Xena a backrub.
- Xena walks in on one of Aiden and Gabrielle's yoga sessions. She looks very jealous.
- Xena and Gabrielle sleep in the same bed, or at least two beds that join together, forming a yin-yang symbol.**
- Xena and Gabrille discuss Aiden.
  - "Ah Zeus, you don't really like this guy?" asks Xena. Gabrielle says nothing. Xena gets angry. "That's it, isn't it? You like him. I should have known."
- Gabrielle feels comfortable walking in on Xena's bath. While talking, they hold hands.
- Aiden tries to get Xena to leave his domain by saying she will hurt Gabrielle.
  - "No, I would never hurt Gabrielle."
    "You say that. And you even believe it. But if the darkness within you wins, no one is safe. Not even the people you love."
- Xena strips Gabrielle and gives her a massage.
  - While doing so, she says: "We've come a long way, the two of us. (Lie down.) And you've taught me a lot, about kindness, and mercy, and love."
- At the end of the episode, after all that has happened to them, the one thing that is bothering Gabrielle (besides being naked) is something Xena said at the begining of the episode.
  - Do I really have hands like a salior?" she asks.

Notes:

To me, this was a very sensual episode. A lot of the scenes between Xena and Gabrielle, like the bath scene and the massage scene, were directed lovingly. In the first, the whole bath scene is done in one long take, with steam rising off of both of their bodies, and emphasis placed on the lap of the water. In the latter, the camera is always focused on the hands as they are touching Gabrielle.

It's amazing, but considering that she walks around in a skirt and a sports bra, the last two episodes have focused even more on Gabrielle's body. Any excuse for her to strip seems to be a good excuse. Not that i hear anybody complaining.

* insight provided by Jane.

**Thanks to TheWeyrd1

Devi

The camera pans onto the building where Xena and Gabrielle are staying. We hear Xena moaning, "Oh, yeah...it's great. Maybe you are a devi after all." We find Gabrielle giving Xena a backrub.
After Xena "tests" Gabrielle with some sacred water, they end in an embrace.
Xena will not kill Gabrielle to stop the evil inside of her.
- Gabrielle, possessed, taunts Xena.*
  - "You want me out? You're gonna have to kill this sweet, little body to do it. I don't think you can."
  - "Get out while you still can," warns Xena.
    "And give up this face? And this firm, strong body? Fat chance!" She then licks Xena's face.
After Gabrielle is exorcised, she and Xena cuddle, and Xena kisses her on the forehead.

Notes:

Dammit, Gabrielle looks GOOD.

*Thanks Candace.

Between The Lines

Gabrielle admires Xena's new Indian outfit so much that she actually "Oooos."
- "It says casual; it says sexy; it says a lot."
"Naema, I don't know what you think you're doing--" begins Xena when she is suddenly distracted by Naema lifting her cloth, revealing her firm tummy and Indian sports bra.
Gabrielle says to Naema "This karma that you're talking about, can you see mine? Can you see how much Xena's a part of that?"
"Yes. In many lives, past and future. You are right."
Gabrielle and Naema sit on the floor facing each other, Gabrielle feeling Naema's mendi.
As a sign to Gabrielle, Naema hides the mendi tools in a woman symbol painted on the wall.
Xena turns to Gabrielle. "It's funny; here you're the warrior. The hero."
"Xena, in this lifetime the mother of peace would be a goddess to me. That's a hero."
In Alti's tent, Xena is giving an unconscious Gabrielle a sponge bath.
Xena and Gabrielle spend some quality time drawing mendi on each other. (Then Xena seems to unnecessarily caress Gabrielle's markings.)
Naema says "...and you Gabrielle, you both walk a path together. Think of yourselves as lines in the mendi: seperated, but forever connected."
Gabrielle says to Xena "She said that your karma and mine, they're intertwined."
"Maybe it's not the first time we've walked down this road," responds Xena.
"Maybe it won't be the last. How would I recognize you?"
"We need a sign. (Xena draws the symbol for woman on her body.) This way, no matter how we look, we'll always remember the women we were. Like it?"
"I love it."

Notes:

Well, Gabrielle gets a new hairdo in this episode. At the end of the episode, which is our first chance to see it, i thought it looked okay, but don't worry! In the next episode it looks awesome.

Unfortunately, Alti was a lot less interesting in this episode than she was in Adventures In The Sin Trade I & II. She is a lot more two dimensional in the future, i guess.

But one thing this episode gave us was the woman symbol as a reference to Xena and Gabrielle.

When Naema was trying to explain karma to Gabrielle, did anybody else think that Gabrielle was being shown the magic of Lucky Charms? We sat in my apartment saying "Oo! Look! Green clovers! Purple horseshoes!"

The Way

At the end of the episode, Gabrielle says, "Xena, do you think I could understand the power of selfless love if it weren't for our friendship?"
At the end of this conversation, Xena and Gabrielle hold hands.

Notes:

Well, not much subtext here. But some of the writing i really liked. i was especially impressed with this dialogue between Xena and Krishna:

"Xena, you have seen what you're destined to be. In your next life you will walk the way of the saint. However, you will never achieve that life if you don't follow the way you're on now."
"The way of the warrior?"
"Yes. You must not be hesitant to fight in a just cause. It is better to die following your own way than to live following someone else's. When you ride into combat, act without attachment and carry with you the confidence that you are fulfilling your calling in this life. Then you till know the Way."
"I understand."
":Then go. Rise up like fire and burn all that oppose you."

It is interesting how an episode about pacifism and peace can be so violent and filled with body parts being chopped off. Did anyone think how odd it was for an episode espousing these virtues to end with a giant fight scene?

The Play's The Thing

Gabrielle describes the scroll she is missing:
- "...it was one of my favorite scrolls; anew one, charting our history through the prism of time. It was a more--"
  "--intimate examination of our relationship and on and on" finishes Xena.
Xena feels snubbed by Gabrielle's need to go back for the scroll.
- "Wouldn't kill ya maybe to look back or something."
Zehra & Milo sell the play to Cleon.
- "How'd you get Gabrielle to spill all of Xena's weaknesses?" asks Cleon.
  "Simple; by having her write and direct a play about her friend. And she told EVERYTHING. Right, Milo?" responds Zehra.
  "EVERYTHING."
  "If anyone can get to Xena, it would be that little friend of hers" muses Cleon.
During a dress rehearsal, the play opens with "Xena" and Gabrielle in a hot tub giggling about how wet they are.
- Just as the curtain rises, Gabrielle is whispering something in "Xena's" ear, though it sure looks like she's kissing her on the cheek. i say, intepret it however you want. It was a kiss.
Minya comes running out of the theater with Paulina and approaches Xena and Gabrielle.
- "Gabrielle! I wanted to thank you. I never would have met Paulina here if it wasn't for you. In fact, the two of you made me realize something about deep down about myself that I guess I always knew but just didn't dare admit. Yes, I'm a thespian!"
  Minya and Paulina run off, hand in hand.
  "Congratualtions. You managed to touch someone" mocks Xena.
  "It's not exactly what I had in mind. I wanted to change violent people into people of peace, not actors. That is what she said, right? Deep down she's a thespian?" asks Gabrielle.
  "Yeah. That's what she said. Yeah. Why, what'd you think?"
  "Thespian."

Notes:

The Powers That Be turned the camp up to eleven when making this episode. Talking about selling it to the back row, eevery joke was played as grandly as possible. They even managed to make the subtext MORE obvious with that final exchange between Xena, Gabrille, and Minya. But the important things about this episode were the mature themes that it had to deal with. For example...

...um...

...well okay. There weren't any. But what was really appreciable was the acting of the two people cast as the villains...

...okay, okay. They sucked. Okay, here's a short list of the redeemable moments in this episode:

Why i don't consider "The Play's The Thing" a waste of one hour of my life.

Sophocles.
That cat Joxer keeps landing on.
The hot tub scene.
Buffus The Bacchae Slayer.

The Convert

Gabrielle and Najara catch up on old times.
- "And what have you been doing?" asks Gabrielle.
  "Planting crops, helping harvest, mending clothes, working towards the day the djinn said would come: the day you and I would meet again, united in a common bond not even Xena shares."
  "The djinn said that?"
  "We walk the same path, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle ties Najara up, per Xena's orders.
- "If she thinks that I'm going anywhere now that I've found you and our path, she's crazy" Najara tells Gabrielle.
Gabrielle returns to her bed with Xena and tries to talk about Najara, but Xena pretends to be asleep even though she is wide awake and obviously troubled.
Najara and Xena have a little chat
- "Yet you claim to have changed; why can't I? After all, we've both had the same inspiration: Gabrielle. But unlike you, I've changed my whole life for her. You've just changed sides."
  "You hurt Gabrielle and I will change you in ways that are anything but peaceful" warns Xena.
  "You forget, hurting Gabrielle is your job. Or have those visions gone away> You know, the visions of your death and hers? I want to share a life of peace with Gabrielle. You want to share a violent death. You tellme who's the villain here: me or you?"
Gabrielle bathes Najara.
Gabrielle and Najara have another talk.
- "My place is with Xena" says Gabrielle.
  "I know, and it always will be. Until her continuing violence finally makes her do something even you can't excuse."
  "It's not going to happen."
  "It has to. And then you will have to choose. Not between me and Xena, but between Xena and you own soul."
Xena says to Gabrielle "You've changed in ways that have shown me choices I'd never have known without you."

Once again Najara heats up the tension in the Xena/Gabrielle relationship. All this tension this season is starting to wear on me. When was the last time we had a cuddly Xena and Gabby episode?

Takes One To Know One

The only thing i could get out of this subtext-less episode was that Minya and Lila seemed very chummy in it.
Also, Gabrielle, protesting the situation they are in says: "It's ridiculous. It's our family we're talking about, our friends."*

Notes:

Nothing to do with subtext, i'm afraid, but it seems odd to me that the one undisputed incident in this story is that Lila wrote Joxer a love note. Where did that come from? Why does Lila never react to it being mentioned in front of everybody?

*Thanks Amy.

Endgame

At the begining, while Xena and Gabrielle are being coy and playing around, Xena stares at Gabrielle and says "Come one fishy, fishy, fishy..."
As Amarice holds Xena at bay, Xena claims "Oh, no, I surrender before Gabrielle," giving Gabrielle a look over Amarice's shoulder. (Thanks Paula!)
Gabrielle kisses Ephiny's forehead. (Yes, only lesbians show affection for those who've died. Really.)
Xena embraces Gabrielle as Gabrielle weeps over Ephiny's funeral pyre.

Notes:

Surprisingly, not a lot of specific subtext in this episode, though there is a general mood that pervades it which implies to someone like me that there is more to their relationship. By this mood i am refering to their playfulness at the begining of the episode, then once we move into the main plot there is the constant respect with which they hold each other. Every decision is underscored by looks exchanged between the two of them as they have a lot of unspoken dialogue. Also, Xena spends a lot of energy making sure that Gabrielle is safe. Not only physicaly but morally. She makes sure Gabrielle is comfortable with everything that is going on, and that everyone repects Gabrielle's wishes. Xena even goes so far to try to espouse Gabrielle's new non-violent philosophy with a young Amazon. Even though Xena doesn't fully "get it," one can hear the respect in her voice.

The Ides Of March

Amarice asks "Xena, why do we have to go to see a preacher when there are battles to fight, butts to kick?"
"Because whatever Gabrielle wants, Gabrielle gets."
When Gabrielle and Amarice meet Eli, Eli throws his arms open wide to hug Gabrielle, and she smiles until she realizes he is about to hug her, and then her face suddenly drops.
Callisto taunts Xena: "I can arrange for you and Gabrielle and all her peaceful little friends to just walk out of here and no one gets hurt. And you and Gabrielle can live happily ever after."
Callisto later adds: "There's a reason you can't allow you and your partner peace; it's your guilt."
- Please note the use of the word "partner."
Xena and Gabrielle exchange hugsies as the rescue is underway.
Now comes one of the most powerful moments in the entire series: Gabrielle's wig-out. When Gabrielle sees that Xena, for probably the only time in their relationship, needs her help, she freaks. Xena is in danger of being killed, and Gabrielle does a complete freak-out and abandons all the ideals she has been building thus far. She runs around hacking romans down left and right, the pain and fear in her voice overwhelming, as she screams and begs for Xena to get up.
Back in the jail cell, Xena wakes up and instantly asks for Gabrielle. Gabrielle is there, cradling Xena's head in her lap. She leans down and kisses Xena's forehead.
"Xena, you brought out the best in me," Gabrielle admits. "Before I met you, no one saw me for who I was. I felt invisible. But you saw all the things that I could be. You saved me, Xena."
As they are being nailed to crosses, Xena turns to Gabrielle. "Gabrielle, you're the best thing in my life."
"I love you, Xena."
Xena's spirit detaches itself from Xena's body. The first thing it does is finds Gabrielle. They hold hands as they are absorbed by a white light.

Notes:

This is one of the most powerful episodes ever. Right up there with the whole rift thing. Gabrielle's love for Xena is what powers the emotions in this episode. For me, the season has been building up to not the crucifiction, but Gabrielle's reaction to Xena being cut down by Callisto. Wow.

Deja Vu All Over Again

They show The Kiss clip. What more need be said?
"Joxer" says to 'Xena:' "You and I aren't meant for each other. She's your soulmate." [Referring to 'Gabrielle.']
"My Soulmate?" asks 'Xena.'
"If you could just stay awake through one episode you'd know these things!" retorts 'Joxer.'
"I do feel strangely attached to you," says 'Xena' to 'Gabrielle.'
"It's been a long time," returns 'Gabrielle.'
"It's been too long, friend."
Then they KISS! Full on the mouth! So THAT's what they mean by friendship!

Finally in this episode we get the meaning behind the word "friend." Apparently, "friends" kiss full on the mouth and have relationships. Hmm, so do lesbians. *Gasp* Then when Xena and Gabrielle's souls are in female bodies, they must be (drum rol please...) LESBIANS! How else can one interpret the ending of this episode? No more subtext! It's now maintext!