So. Four years ago I said I'd write a publishable work. But though I started working on one, it never was finished. I have left many fanfics unfinished, both publicly and anonymously. I've posted sporadically - which is nothing new but has grown quite a bit worse - and only published a few one-shot fanfics now and again without updating my current works. Here's the thing:
I've tried focusing on RL. On making friends with my co-workers, on finding a girlfriend, on advancing in my "real job". Then, last week in fact, I looked around and came to some harsh realizations.
My "real job" co-workers, who I've spent the last couple years attempting to build friendships with, have invited me out all of three times. Several have mentioned we should get together and hang out sometime, yet never actually make plans with me. However, they have hung out with other co-workers, some they've known mere months compared to the years they've known me.
I had made several attempts to join different interest groups the past year so to have friends away from work that I know share my hobbies. I even exchanged contact information a time or two. Like with my co-workers, this has led to absolutely nothing.
The end result is what few people I
do consider friends live hundreds of miles away from me, and while their support and what correspondence we exchange is uplifting and encouraging, it leaves me without socializing that doesn't involve a computer.
I'm better at writing romance than having one. My attempts at relationships haven't even been spectacular failures. They've just fizzled out and gone nowhere. With both parties pretty much walking away without any really hurt feelings because we didn't even get far enough for feelings to be invoked. I knew I was raised sincere rather than charming, but damn, how bad I am at engaging in a serious relationship has really soured the experience for me lately.
I hate my job. I like aspects of it, but as a whole, it is not
anything I ever intended to make a career in. I don't really look forward to going to work, and while I may finally have made some career advancements and am still attempting to go further my motivation isn't love of what I do but cold hard cash. Not exactly inspirational stuff.
My conclusion has been that RL and adulting suck. I'm tired of putting myself out there for people who don't give a shit. And I'm tired of focusing all my energy on a job that may be sustaining my life but is adding nothing to it.
Fics and writing make me feel alive. Exchanging letters and posts with fellow fans of stories make me happier than talking to any of my co-workers. So while I may have to be an Adult and continue to make money, I'm going to take some of that motivation I've been throwing at lost causes and focus it on what does make me happy.
I've said year after year I am actually going to finish my fics and get serious about this or that. But this time I really mean it. I'm too old to be wasting time on what doesn't make me happy. Depending on how things go, this handle may even go public with my RL persona. We'll see. Watch out, world, cuz Salmon is tired of taking things as they come and making do.
I am Woman, Hear me Roar.
aggravated