No point anymore if she can't love me...
...And we're back to the feeling shit and horrible about myself.
What's the point anymore? Everything I do is always going to end in failure. Why haven't I learnt that yet? I'm never going to get where and what I want because I'm always so goddamned restricted by everyone and everything because of my social anxieties and my learning disabilities. I'm trapped...I swear to god I can't feel happy and I can't feel sad. The only time I've properly started to cry is when I've looked at my Nanna's photo back at home and I think about how upset she would be if she knew where I was right now. My Nanna was probably the only family member I could say I ever loved, She accepted me for everything I did, My musical talents, my art, My fantasies...No one ever supported me in my family as much as she did and when she died I just stopped living I think, I lost who I was when she went. I've never met anyone who's made a impact on me since. You know this is probably the first time I've mentioned her to anyone in a long while. No one talks about her ever, Just the same as my uncle John when he went I felt like shit too.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I find it so easy to give up sometimes, maybe there's a part of me that hopes if I die I'll finally be back with them and I won't have to struggle in life any more.
Every time I try to talk to anyone they don't get it and it's so frustrating because it just makes me feel that much more alone because I'm not able to properly convey what I want to tell them. I'm the only person who knows how I feel and no one out there is able to help me properly other than being really patronising to me. Or just Hug. I don't want that I want someone I can trust again. Someone who's always going to be by my side and tell me every thing's going to be ok, Because otherwise I swear I'm going to do something awful to myself I can just feel it.
I want to be able to feel again...that's all I want.
What's the point anymore? Everything I do is always going to end in failure. Why haven't I learnt that yet? I'm never going to get where and what I want because I'm always so goddamned restricted by everyone and everything because of my social anxieties and my learning disabilities. I'm trapped...I swear to god I can't feel happy and I can't feel sad. The only time I've properly started to cry is when I've looked at my Nanna's photo back at home and I think about how upset she would be if she knew where I was right now. My Nanna was probably the only family member I could say I ever loved, She accepted me for everything I did, My musical talents, my art, My fantasies...No one ever supported me in my family as much as she did and when she died I just stopped living I think, I lost who I was when she went. I've never met anyone who's made a impact on me since. You know this is probably the first time I've mentioned her to anyone in a long while. No one talks about her ever, Just the same as my uncle John when he went I felt like shit too.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I find it so easy to give up sometimes, maybe there's a part of me that hopes if I die I'll finally be back with them and I won't have to struggle in life any more.
Every time I try to talk to anyone they don't get it and it's so frustrating because it just makes me feel that much more alone because I'm not able to properly convey what I want to tell them. I'm the only person who knows how I feel and no one out there is able to help me properly other than being really patronising to me. Or just Hug. I don't want that I want someone I can trust again. Someone who's always going to be by my side and tell me every thing's going to be ok, Because otherwise I swear I'm going to do something awful to myself I can just feel it.
I want to be able to feel again...that's all I want.