Likely the most recognizable bearded man in history was U.S. president Abraham Lincoln (pictured atop this column). Lincoln reportedly first grew his iconic beard based upon advice provided to him by an eleven-year-old girl, who thought his face was too thin. I don’t know about you, but when making important life decisions, eleven-year-old girls are my first stop in the journey; they know so much about relationships and business and Taylor Swift. Now, my face has never been accused of being too thin, but. . .

Other famous beards have belonged to: John “Grizzly” Adams, a 19-century, California mountain man, and trainer of grizzly bears (Ed. note: this picture depicts Grizzly Adams as featured in an obscure late 1970’s TV show, entitled “The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams” - we cannot vouch for its historical accuracy). . .

. . .and, Walt Frazier, a member of an NBA basketball team, the New York Knicks, in the 1970’s. . .

. . .and, ZZ Top, a rock band formed around 1970. . .

. . .and, Leonardo da Vinci, a painter of some repute. . .

. . .and, Charles Darwin, a leading figure regarding evolution theories. . .

. . .and, Zeus, king of the Greek gods. . .

and, Gandalf, the legendary wizard from Lord of the Rings. . .

. . .and, of course, Santa Claus, who has rocked the classic white-beard look for a very long time. . .

But, this piece isn’t about physical beards (I can understand your confusion, given that we have crammed a lot of pictures of bearded guys into the column thus far). No, we intend to reflect upon the metaphorical use of the term, beard, and suggest additional potential applications.

Perhaps the best-known of these figurative beards is a person who pretends to be an intimate partner with another person, in an attempt to cover infidelity tracks, or to conceal homosexual orientation. Much as a physical beard hides features of one’s face, the “partner beard” covers up the reality of a relationship.

I recently learned the term, “betting beard,” from my Substack friend and colleague, Henny Heimenz, who produces the informative, weekly SilentPunt Podcast. A betting beard is a third-party bettor, or a group of bettors (a/k/a “syndicate”), which is used to hide the identity of the actual bettor.

I further imagined that this term might logically be applied to investors who wish to conceal their involvement in financial transactions. But, when googling (actually “yahooing,” because that’s my bent) “investor beards,” options available to me included: dreamstime.com, which yielded 1,266 stock photos of bearded men, who may or may not be contemplating investments (example below). . .

. . .and, baldingandbeards.com, which published an article entitled, “The Corporate Beard Style: How to Grow, Guide, Examples, and More!” and thealexandergroup.com, which featured an article entitled, “The Rise of Professional Beards: Trend or Career Risk?” which highlighted successful CEO’s who sport facial hair, including: Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai, Netflix’s founder Reed Hastings, Nike’s Executive Chairman Matt Parker, Uber’s CEO Dara Khosrowshahi and Larry Ellison, Oracle’s Co-Founder.

Not exactly the metaphor examples I was seeking. Perhaps investor beards is not a thing, because there are other terms already in use, which fit the bill, such as “silent partners,” “offshore finance,” “stalking horse bidders” and “Switzerland banks.”

In the political world, “political action committees” and “dark money” spending have become familiar tools deployed in support of political candidates; these sound like political beards to me. Also, there is evidence that U.S. president Woodrow Wilson’s wife, Edith, operated as the de facto president in 1919 for weeks after Wilson suffered a stroke in office. Other first ladies have been accused of wielding outsize influence over policy, behind the scenes, including Nancy Reagan, Eleanor Roosevelt and Abigail Adams. As far as I know, these women were never referred to as “Bearded Ladies” (a topic covered later in this piece).

Hollywood was built on the premise of make-believe. Many film actors have adopted fictional names, including: John Wayne (Marion Morrison); Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jeane Dougherty); and Cary Grant (Archibald Leach). A more obvious example of film beards in action is the use of stunt doubles, or stunt people, those who stand-in for actors when filming action scenes, or physically dangerous actions. Celebrity endorsements in TV commercials, in which actors pretend as if they work for the company which produces the products they are hawking, represent examples of “TV sales pitch beards.” A current insurance company advertising campaign, which I believe is quite clever, taps longtime backup NFL quarterbacks to come off the bench at a moment’s notice, to act as backups in live action real life scenes, such as taking a family picture, or ordering food at a drive-thru, fast food restaurant, or having “the facts of life talk” with children. Live theatre features its own brand of beards, known as “understudies” or “stand-ins.”

And, what of the products themselves? “Bearded consumer products” might include: “impossible burger,” a plant-based hamburger (sorry man, that’s not a burger); “non-alcoholic beer” (sorry man, that’s not a beer); and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” a brand of margarine marketed as a substitute for butter (sorry man, that’s not butter).

In sports, Major League Baseball has included a “designated hitter,” in which a player appears in the batting lineup, although does he not play in the field, alleviating the need for the usually light-hitting pitcher to bat, first appearing in 1973, in the American League; the National League only adopted the same policy a couple of years ago. A “pinch-hitter” is a single-use application in a game of the designated hitter strategy. Facial hair has become quite common in Major League Baseball, particularly at playoff time; such hitters are not required to sport beards, but, if they do, they are performing the rare, “double beard (physical and metaphorical)” play.

Literary figures have also deployed the metaphorical beard, on occasion. The practice of adopting a pen name, or pseudonym or nom de plume is an accepted practice. No doubt you’re acquainted with Mark Twain (real name: Samuel Clemens); Richard Bachman (real name: Stephen King); and Dr. Seuss (real name: Theodor Seuss Geisel). These authors had different reasons for hiding behind assumed names; of the three, King was beardless; Geisel was pictured with a beard at times, later in his career; and Twain was known for his extremely bushy mustache.

For those of you who identify as literalists, here is a picture of a common disguise guaranteed to fool absolutely no one. . .

Ironically, although this disguise quite literally performs the “beard” function, it does not feature a beard element.

Finally, what would a column about beards be without including a picture of P.T. Barnum’s famous “Bearded Lady” (real name: Annie Jones)? We provide you this picture without comment. . .

Sorry about that. As a gesture intended to cleanse the palate, please accept this picture of a gentleman who sometimes sports a beard, George Clooney. . .

As for Rule of Three, we plead the Fifth (that means “no comment”) regarding our true identity, and who, exactly, is responsible for this weekly claptrap. Given the growth of A.I., perhaps someday soon we will all be operating beneath the cover of beards.

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