So pray, then, if it makes you feel safe.

(she's got the coolest hair)

ruedifference — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 13:52:31 GMT

Missing all of the interaction here, but having no idea how to get it back. Here's where I am most of the time:
On twitter as ruedifference and tumblr as seemasaint. Feel free to follow, friend, what have you.

Books read in 2013

ruedifference — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 01:40:21 GMT

1. Dark at the roots. Sarah Thyre.
2. Tango. Justin Vivian Bond.
3. The girl in the wall. Daphne Benedis-Grab.
4. The Pledge. Kimberly Derting.
5. The Essence. Kimberly Derting.
6. Queer and pleasant danger. Kate Bornstein.
7. After. Amy Efaw.
8. Dust of 100 dogs. A.S. King.
9. Guardian of the dead. Karen Healey.
10. The Shattering. Karen Healey.
Books read in January: 10.

11. The Infects. Sean Beaudoin.
12. Legend. Marie Lu.
13. Unorthodox. Deborah Feldman.
14. Prodigy. Marie Lu.
15. Beauty queens. Libba Bray.
16. The Ihop papers. Ali Liebegott.
17. The hunt. Andrew Fukuda.
18. Graveminder. Melissa Marr.
19· Indigo spell. Richelle Mead.
20. Prey. Andrew Fukuda.
21. The host. Stephanie Meyer.
22. Paper Valentine. Breanna Yovanoff.
23. Out of the easy. ruta sepetys
Books read in February: 14.

24. Warm bodies. Isaac Marian.
25. Wither. Lauren Destefano.
26. Fever. Lauren Destefano.
27. Sever. Lauren Destefano.
28. When we wake. Karen Healey.
29. Massive. Julia Bell.
30. Night of the living trekkies. Kevin Anderson.
31. Catalyst. Laurie Halse Anderson.
32. Twisted. Laurie Halse Anderson.
33. Keeping you a secret. Julie Ann Peters.
34. Luna. Julie Ann Peters.

ruedifference — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 18:19:28 GMT

So...I haven't posted since September, apparently? Huh. I kept meaning to, honestly, I just wasn't sure quite what to say.

My father died on New Years day, Tuesday, suddenly. My mother and I came home from work at around 5:45 like normal. It was already dark, and we could see that my father had started a small bonfire out in the pasture (I live in Oklahoma, remember?) and so she texted him that we were home. This was all normal.
We sat by the fireplace for a few minutes to warm up, and then she decided to walk out there to see him. I fixed a sandwich for dinner and watched tv while I ate. After about 10 minutes I checked my phone. My phone is always on silent due to my either being at work or not wanting to be bothered. There were 4 missed calls from my mother and one from my brother.
I called my brother and he told me that my father had passed out in the pasture and my mother was out there with him. I ran out there in the dark, and when I got to her she told me he wasn't breathing or had a pulse. I had to go back to the front of the house to wait for the ambulance. I kept hearing them but it seemed to take forever for them to come. I ran back to my mother and tried to comfort her.
They took him to the hospital. They didn't let her ride with him, instead they made us stay and talk to the police officer. They believe it was drugs. After all that we've been through with him, drugs again.
When we were allowed to go to the hospital about half an hour later, they told us that he had never regained a pulse or brain activity and that he had died in the pasture. We still don't know why. They are waiting on a toxocolgy report that could take up to 6 months.
I'm not that sad. I have hated him for far more of my life than I loved him. Maybe it was both? If that's possible? I'm just trying to be strong for my mother. She was married to him since she was 17. She's been with him for 41 years. If you pray, please pray for her.

(been a fool)

ruedifference — Thu, 24 May 2012 22:33:28 GMT

*waves*
So, I haven't been around much lately, have I? I've been isolating more than I have since College, really only talking to anyone at work, and then only when I really had to. I guess I'm trying to change that?

Fandom wise I saw the Avengers and loved it, most of s.1 of Game of Thrones and read Game of Thrones, a Feast for Crows, and am halfway through a Storm of Swords. I pretty much ship female characters/happiness, if that makes sense.

Anyone else reading and/or watching Game of Thrones?

In other news, they are trying to raise money for a children's charity by auctioning off the right to hit management in the face with a pie. I never agreed to this and I keep thinking about it. All I can think about is how I used to feel being bullied at school and I'm not entirely sure I could stand it.

(my graceless heart)

ruedifference — Thu, 10 May 2012 23:32:48 GMT

I apologize for how rarely I post. I guess I'm waiting until I have something more to say than blather about how unhappy I am.

I tend to be on Tumblr more often, and twitter every so often, feel free to follow.

(certain kind of sadness)

ruedifference — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 22:37:08 GMT

My grandmothers funeral was this morning, and it was just as filled with crying, arguing about wills, and Fundamentalist preaching as I'd assumed. Still cried like crazy, before getting angry at everyone and coming home to crash for a few hours.
A picture of my maternal grandmother on the left on her confirmation day, and my paternal grandmother in the right, where she is totally the poster girl for the depression.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

(with a whisper)

ruedifference — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:16:29 GMT

Not entirely sure what it's about yet, but if anyone else in on Pottermore you can add (friend/follow/idk) me at HawthornSpirit18396.

Also, I am getting enough back on my taxes to afford a new tattoo. Now to try and summon up the courage.

(like a vandal)

ruedifference — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 12:09:06 GMT

I'm thinking about finally breaking down and buying the cheapest Kindle (the one with the free offers/commercials) for books that are only available as e-books and fic and I am conflicted.
I've always said that I was never going to buy an e-reader, that I didn't like them, that it was only ever going to be actualfax books for me, and that I always planned on being that old woman in the dystopia that gets arrested for having a house full of books, idk.

Thoughts?

(to close your eyes)

ruedifference — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:52:00 GMT

(Wasn't sure I was going to participate this year, but here we are.)
March 1st is Self-injury Awareness day, and if you know me, you know someone who struggles with doing/not doing so.

It's not a phase, it's not for attention, and it's a serious, daily issue that will affect me for the rest of my life.

You are not alone.

(my own heart let me have more have pity on)

ruedifference — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:40:11 GMT

The line in my subject? I still want a tattoo of it.

Books read in 2012.

ruedifference — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:51:13 GMT

1. Every other day. Jennifer Lynn Barnes.
2. The new Cthulhu.
3. Shadow speaker. Nnedi Okorafor.
4. A real person. Gunilla Gerland.
5. Magician king. Lev Grossman.
6. Cinder. Marissa Meyer.
7. Piece of cake. Cupcake Brown.
8. Hidden. Tomas Mournian.
9. Fairy bad day. Amanda Ashby.
10. Soul Corporation. Robert Collins.
11. Prized. Caragh O'Brien.
12. Rose of no man's land. Michelle Tea.
13. A million suns. Beth Revis.
14. Incantation. Alice Hoffman.
15. Once dead, twice shy. Kim Harrison.
16. Bearded Women. Teresa Milbrodt.
17. Embroideries. Marjane Satrapi.
18. Some girls. Jillian Lauren.
19. Dead witch walking. Kim Harrison.
Books read in January: 19.

20. The good, the bad, and the undead. Kim Harrison.
21. Bitter Melon. Cara Chow.
22. Every which way but dead. Kim Harrison.
23. Climbing the stairs. Padma Venkatraman.
24. Fistful of charms. Kim Harrison.
25. The Fold. An Na.
26. XVI. Julia Karr.
27. Affinity bridge. George Mann.
28. Girls of no return. Erin Saldin.
29. Truth. Julia Karr.
30. For a few demons more. Kim Harrison.
31. Born Wicked. Jessica Spotswood.
32. Harbinger. Sara Wilson Etienne.
33. Everneath. Brodi Ashton.
34. Article 5. Kristen Simmons.
35. Pure. Julianna Baggott.
36. Myrtle of Willendorf. Rebecca O'Connell.
37. Brave new love.
38. Copper sun. Sharon Draper.
39. Nightmare garden. Caitlin Kittredge.
40. Fever. Lauren DeStefano.
41. The Osiris ritual. George Mann.
Books read in February: 22.

42. Dragonswood. Janet Lee Carey.
43. New uses for old things.
44. The Fox inheritance. Mary E. Pearson.
45. Unorthodox. Deborah Feldman.
46. Shadows over Baker Street.
47. Sybil. Debbie Nathan.
48. Partials. Dan Wells.
49. The dark side of innocence. Teri Cheney.
50. Parable of the Sower. Octavia Butler.
51. Frozen. Robin Wasserman.
52. When the sea is rising red. Cat Hellisen.
53. Candyfreak. Steve Almond.
54. Wildthorn. Jane Eagland.
55. Women, food, and G_d. Geneen Roth.
56. Not that you asked. Steve Almond.
57. Little Little. M.E. Kerr.
58. The cure. Sonia Levitin.
59. In the name of the star. Maureen Johnson.
60. The miseducation of Cameron Post. Emily Danforth.
61. Everything is broken. John Shirley.
62. The wish. Gail Carson Levine.
Books read in March: 21.

63. Bossypants. Tina Fey.
64. Opening Skinner's box. Lauren Slater.
65. Best little girl in the world. Steven Levonkron.
66. Models don't eat chocolate cookies. Erin Dionne.
67. Shades of grey. Jasper Fforde.
68. More, now, again. Elizabeth Wurtzel.
69. Grave Mercy. Robin LaFevers.
70. Black heart. Holly Black.
71. Hunger Games. Suzanne Collins.
72. Catching Fire. Suzanne Collins.
73. Girl with three legs. Soraya Mire.
74. Game of thrones. George R.R. Martin.
75. 172 hours on the moon. John Harstad.
76. Mockingjay. Suzanne Collins.
77. Anno Dracula. Kim Newman.
78. Book of blood and shadow. Robin Wasserman.
79. The selection. Kiera Cass.
Books read in April : 17

80. Girlchild. Tupelo Hassman.
81. Chime. Franny Billingsley.
82. A Clash of Kings. George R.R. Martin.
83. White Horse. Alex Adams.
84. Thumped. Megan McCaffery.
85. Incarnate. Jodi Meadows.
86. Dawn. Octavia Butller.
87. Adulthood rites. Octavia Butler.
88. Imago. Octavia Butler.
89. The fault in our stars. John Green.
90. Never fall down. Patricia McCormick.
91. Masque of the red death. Bethany Griffin.
Books read in May:12

92. Scars. C.A. Rainfield.
93. Graceling. Kristin Cashore
94. Peculiars. Maureen_Doyle_McQuerry
95. Insurgent. Veronica Roth.
96. Bunheads. Sophie Flack.
97. Fire. Kristin Cashore.
98. Legacy of Tril:Soulbound. Heather Brewer.
99. Beauty. Nancy Butler.
Books read in June: 8.

100. Ready player one. Ernest Cline.
101. Feed. Mira Grant.
102. American Psycho. Bret Easton Ellis.
103. Wonder. R.J. Palacio.
104. Devil in the details. Jennifer Traig.
105. The Pack. Andrew Fukuda.
106. Deadline. Mira Grant.
107. Blackout. Mira Grant.
108. This is not a test. Courtney Summers.
109. V-wars.
110. My life as a white trash zombie. Diana Rowland.
111. How to be a woman. Caitlin Moran.
112. Revived. Cat Patrick.
113. Vampire Academy. Richelle Mead.
114. Frostbite. Richelle Mead.
115. Shadow kiss. Richelle Mead.
116. The right and the real. Joelle Anthony.
117. The Fear. Charlie Higson.
118. Shadow and bone. Leigh Bardugo.
119. Going Bovine. Libba Bray.
Books read in July:20.

120. Team Human. Justine Larbalestier and Sarah Rees Brennan.
121. Blood promise. Richelle Mead.
122. Spiritbound. Richelle Mead.
123. When you reach me. Rebecca Stead.
124. Dark inside. Jeyn Roberts.
125. Once. Anna Carey.
126. Skylark. Meagan Spooner.
127. Last sacrifice. Richelle Mead.
128. Bloodlines. Richelle Mead.
129. Glitch. heather anastasiu.
130. Golden Lily. Richelle Mead.
131. The Unidentified. Rae Mariz.
132. Amped. Daniel Wilson.
133. Cinderella ate my daughter. Peggy Orenstein.
134. Mothership. Martin Leicht and Isla Neal.
135. An invisible sign of my own. Aimee Bender.
136. The astonishing life of Octavian Nothing. M. T. Anderson.
137. The forsaken. Lisa M. Stasse.
138. Shift. Em Bailey.
139. Future Lovecraft.
140. The girl in the clockwork collar. Kady Cross.
141. 13 bullets. David Wellington.
Books read in August: 21

142. The Passage. Justin Cronin.
143. Every day. David Levithan.
144. Anthem. Ayn Rand.
145. John does at the end. David Wong.
146. Deadly pink. Vivian Vande Velde.
147. Thin is the new happy. Valerie Frankel.
148. Devil's wake. Steve Barnes.
149. G_d save the Queen. Kate Locke.
150. The lost girl. Sangu Mandanna.
151. Living dead girl. Elizabeth Scott.
152. Origin. Jessica Khoury.
153. Hush. Eishes Chayil.
154. What's left of me. Kat Zhang..
157. Because it is my blood. Gabrielle Zevin.
158. Hold me closer, Necromancer. Lish McBride.
159. Adaptation. Malinda Lo.
160. A tree grows in Brooklyn. Betty Smith.
161. Vamped. David Sosnowski.
162. The space between. Brenna Yovanoff.
163. Is everyone hanging out without me? Mindy Kaling.
Books read in September: 19.

164. Girl of fire and thorns. Rae Carson.
165. This book is full of spiders. David Wong.
166. Crown of embers. Rae Carson.
167. Silhouette of a sparrow. Molly Beth Griffin.
168. Ashes. Ilsa Bick.
169. Ironskin. Tina Connolly.
170. Rot & Ruin. Jonathan Maberry.
171. Dust and decay. Jonathan Maberry
172. Into the woods. Kim Harrison.
173. Flesh and Bone. Jonathan Maberry.
174. The twelve. Justin Cronin.
175. Shadows. Ilsa Bick.
Books read in October: 12.

176. Ashfall. Mike Mullin.
177. Ask the passengers. A.S. King.
178. I am legend. Richard Matheson.
179. The giver. Lois Lowry.
180. Gathering blue. Lois Lowry.
181. Blood red road. Moira Young.
182. Perfect. Natasha Friend.
183. Ashes of twilight. Kassy Taylor
184. Slammerkin. Emma Donahue.
185. After. Ellen Datlpw.
186. Flashpoint. Nancy Kress
187. There is no dog. Meg Rosoff.
Books read in November=11.<\lj-cut>

188. Impossible. Nancy Werlin.
189. The hallowed ones. Laura Bickle.
190. Beautiful creatures. Kami Garcia.
191. Fathomless. Jackson Pearce.
192. Extraordinary. Nancy Werlin.
193. Shadow society. Marie Rutkoski.
194. The Farm. Emily McKay.
195. Wasted. Marya Hornbacher.
196. Girl with three legs. Sonya Mire.
197. The darkest minds. Alexandra Bracken.
198. Vessel. Sarah Beth
197. Unquiet minds. Amanda Bracken.
Books read in December: 11

Books read in 2012: 197.

(keep all our promises)

ruedifference — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:55:55 GMT

The next book I read will be my 200th read for this year. That's a lot of pressure. Should I pick something classic, or a book I just bought?

The new store manager starts tomorrow. I am nervous as heck. Help distract me?

Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays

ruedifference — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:09:23 GMT

Little Women, any version.

Fic: How he moves (Olympics RPS)

ruedifference — Wed, 18 Aug 2004 16:35:45 GMT

Note to "real life" friends reading this journal: You might want to skip this. Just a warning. ;)

Title: How he moves
Author: Ruedifference
Fandom: Olympics RPS. (Swimmers) Michael Phelps/Ian Thorpe,
Pieter van den Hoogenband /Michael Phelps, Pieter van den Hoogenband
/Ian Thorpe.
Rating: Light R
A/N: 100% false. No truth here, whatsoever. I’m sure the athletes in question aren’t macking on each other at every opportunity. Nah, they’re all out saving puppies/busses full of nuns. Very nice boys.
Huge, huge thanks to jillapet and crediniaeth for their magnificent betas. Any mistakes left? Are all mine.

Crossposted to ruedifference, thorpedo_speedo, and olympic_slash.

100 meter
Michael has a girlfriend. Her name is Lucy, and her hair is a kind of golden-red. When she smiles, he feels like he's just a normal kid, just a guy in love with his girlfriend. She is unable to come to Athens, and in the beginning, Michael calls her everyday. She asks him, innocently, if he is worried about swimming against Thorpe. He doesn't answer, because he's not sure if what he feels is fear.
In every interview, reporters ask him about Ian Thorpe and he always gives a variation of the same answer. Ian is a remarkable athlete, and he looks forward to the challenge. He hears them ask Ian the same question about him. Ian smiles, and changes the subject, saying that he does not want to do the other athletes the disservice of not mentioning them as well.

Butterfly
In the Olympic Village, athletes tend to separate themselves by sport rather than by country, and both Michael and Ian tend to be constantly surrounded by their teammates or various other hangers-on. Occasionally, Michael thinks about simply walking over to him and just...sitting down. He wishes, for a moment, that Michael Phelps and Ian Thorpe sitting together would not have to become a front-page event.

Freestyle
"Michael?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you go to watch Thorpe today?"
"Yes."
"Well, how was he?"
A dozen replies run through his head, seemingly all at the same time. Amazing. Very good. Golden. Extraordinary. Beautiful. He gives a sort of half-shrug at Klete's question, and just says, "Good."

Backstroke
On the fourth day, the race ends and Ian wins again. In the locker room, Michael cannot stop his eyes from wandering over to where Ian is changing out of his dark blue bodysuit. Ian wasn't self-conscious, and was laughing and smiling with Grant as he undressed, revealing what seems like miles of golden skin. When Michael finally forces himself to turn away, he catches the eye of van den Hoogenband. Pieter smirks at him.

Individual medley
In the days following, Pieter seems to be shadowing Ian. Pieter finds any excuse to lean into the other man, whispering jokes that cause Ian to throw his head back and laugh, making him forget for a moment that everyone in the building is watching him. Something twists inside Michael's stomach.
In the dormitories, the athletes are all well guarded. Nonetheless, for the more experienced ones, it is easy enough to find ways to be alone when they want it. Michael is having trouble sleeping; He keeps waking up in the middle of the night, tangled up in his sheets, weird images of Ian and Pieter in his head. He decides to go for a walk around the compound.
He finds Pieter in one of the many common rooms, reading. By now almost desperate for a bit of privacy, he closes the door to the room as he walks in, taking a seat on the couch next to Pieter's chair.
"Can't sleep?" Pieter asks without looking up from his book.
"Guess not." Michael answers, and he starts to fidget, not liking to remain still for so long. Pieter doesn't reply, and Michael begins to seriously consider his chances of remaining in the Olympics if he were to smother one of his opponents with a couch cushion. Pieter closes his book and lays it on the arm of his chair, before moving to the couch next to Michael.

Relay
He moves close to the younger man, and presses his hand against his thigh, not quite moving it. Michael’s eyes flutter closed, and he unconsciously parts his lips.
“You like him, don’t you?” Pieter asks as he begins to move his hand up Michael’s leg. “Come on, tell me.”
“Yes.” Michael whispers.
“Good boy.” Pieter drops to his knees in front of the couch, pulling Michael’s pants down around his ankles. Michael does not say that they need to make sure to lock the door, or that they shouldn’t be doing this in the first place, and he certainly doesn’t mention the fact that both of them are thinking of someone else.

1500
It's now day six, and Pieter has taken him back to his private room, and this time they both remember to lock the door. Michael is afraid suddenly, and begins to beg.
“Tell me. Please.”
"All right." Peter says as he leans over Michael's back; his hands sliding between Michael's legs, teasing and stretching his ass. And Pieter tells him. Tells him of the first time he fucked Ian, with the superstar's legs thrown over his shoulders. Tells of him of the most recent encounter, Ian still glowing from his latest medal win, his hands twisting in Pieter's hair. Michael comes hard, picturing Ian's face.

Free Relay
Day 8, and Michael wins. Thorpe comes in second, with Takashi third. He steals a glance at Ian. Ian is smiling at him, and for a moment, before the Anthem starts and the crowd cheers, he lets himself smile back.

Feedback? Is very much appreciated.