RPG Quotes

From Powers Division, end of Act I

imaginary_num — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 16:38:24 GMT

Mutants and Masterminds game, set in Praetoria from City of Heroes. A going-away party for the party, who is being exiled.

<MsSile> "~~~~~~" She closes her mouth, making a face as she tries to get Arma's attention. Too loud. "SO WHAT'S GOING ON?"

<Elise_Stafford> "SOMEBODY DIDN'T THINK NORMAL TECHNO HAD ENOUGH BASS!"

<Arma_Gideon> "IT'S CALLED HOUSE CRUSH. IT'S LIKE TECHNO BUT DESIGNED TO RESONATE AT THE FREQUENCY OF COMMON BUILDING MATERIALS!"

<Elise_Stafford> "SHOULD WE REALLY BE UP HERE, THEN?"

<Arma_Gideon> "IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE! IT JUST MAKES THE ENTIRE BUILDING ACT AS A SPEAKER!"

<Arma_Gideon> "EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME, BUT THAT BLOCK OF FLATS WASN'T BUILT TO EARTHQUAKE STANDARDS!"

<MsSile> "~~~~~!!!!!!" She's clearly trying to talk. She screws up her face a bit. "IT FEELS LIKE I'M BEING PUNCHED OVER AND OVER AGAIN!"

<Elise_Stafford> "JUST TRY TO TONE IT OUT. HEAR IT THROUGH YOUR TORSO, NOT YOUR EARS."

<Elise_Stafford> "SO, THIS THE ONLY THING THAT'S IN VOGUE NOW? I'M A GOOD YEAR OR TWO BEHIND ON THIS STUFF."

<Arma_Gideon> "NO, THERE'S ALSO HYPERCLASSICAL. IT'S BACH AND MOZART PLAYED AT 900 BPM."

<Elise_Stafford> "WHY"

Deadlands Season Two: We're Back, A PC Party's Story

invisible_fool — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 12:13:12 GMT

The Cast
CARRIE: A Buddhist.
CASSIE: An Agent.
CHARLOTTE: A Teenager.
HERBERT: A British.
RYAN: A Reporter.

HERBERT OOC: Is that Boss hyphen Tweed?
GM: 'Boss' is a nickname.

CASSIE OOC: Yes, the lawyer did pro bono cases for Bonio and Rover.

HERBERT: I've no doubt that Carrie will be prodding you, Charlotte.
(beat)
HERBERT: Not in that way.

RYAN: I thought kraken lived in the abyssal trenches?
CASSIE (sarcastically): Well, ain't you educated?

HERBERT: You are turning into a bit of an alcoholic.
CASSIE: What do you mean, 'a bit'?
HERBERT: I can't dispute that.
RYAN: As a gentleman, you should!

CASSIE: We haven't tried to injure him because he's British yet.
RYAN: What have you tried to injure him for?

CASSIE OOC: Why's the GM laughing?
GM: Because Herbert just mentioned having points in swimming.
CASSIE OOC: Oh, yeah. Hee hee hee.

HERBERT: I don't feel safe around you anymore.
CASSIE: Why did you ever?
HERBERT: ... you haven't shot me?
CASSIE:What gave you the idea I wouldn't shoot you?

CHARLOTTE OOC: One's got a private army and the other one's scary. Together, they are crime!

CASSIE: So other than the fact he tried to drown Charlotte, why are we killing this guy again?

RYAN: I could turn into a raven.
CASSIE: I don't think that's gonna help.
HERBERT: It never helps.

CASSIE OOC: Pull those fuckin' claws in, kitten! Wanna cut a bit deeper?

HERBERT: My wealth is invested. Industrially and trains.

RYAN: Can I suggest we don't blow anyone up?

CASSIE: THERE IS NO FUCKIN' QUOTA! WE DO NOT HAVE TO BLOW ANYTHING UP! WHY DON'T YOU TRY HARDER NOT TO?

CASSIE OOC: Goddammit, Edd- Ryan – whoever you are, shut the hell up!

RYAN: I'm gonna hit the bar and thus the woman. Well, you understand, I'm not gonna hit the woman.
CASSIE: Given she was prosecuted for killing her abusin' husband, good move.

CASSIE OOC (lecturing Charlotte): No! Daddy will smack!

CASSIE OOC: Let me get this straight. One of us is on her own?
CARRIE OOC: It's OK, I'm meditating.
RYAN OOC: Allow me to translate. She's also got her eyes shut.

CASSIE: You... fruity... useless... British...

CASSIE OOC: SHE'S SAYING YOU HAVE NO PENIS!

HERBERT: It may have sounded like Mistress but I said Miss.

GM: What does that word say? (about a letter this NPC wrote)
CARRIE: What do you think it says?
GM: Better get your bluff dice out, Carrie.
RYAN OOC: Not enough bluff dice in the world.

GM: Only one here and she can't read or shoot.
CARRIE: What can I say, I'm the moral centre.

CARRIE: I NEED AN ADULT WHO CAN READ AND SHOOT THINGS!

RYAN: Wait, hang on, the handwriting's not yours, Carrie.

RYAN: I don't know what actually happened, all I know is three of us heard an extra syllable.

CASSIE: I can change.
RYAN: Go on, then.
CASSIE: No, don't wanna.

HERBERT: I'm gonna fuckin' murder someone.

(Herbert's mispronunciation brings bears into the conversation)
CASSIE: This has no bearing on the situation! I think it's rather polarizing.

GM: Since when have you people ever had a positive working relationship?
RYAN OOC: I have. Not with these people, but I have.

RYAN: I wouldn't let Herbert rub off on you.
CASSIE: I don't think he swings that way.
RYAN: Women, or American?

CARRIE: We've blown New York up?

CARRIE: What hospital is it? No one's said yet.
RYAN OOC: St. Not-Relevant's!

RYAN OOC: Oh, come on, there's a perfectly good gun and burger shop downtown!

HERBERT: That, sir, is a cad thing to do.
GM: You just used an insult that made your friends laugh at you.

RYAN: Yeah, that is starting to sound like an Epitaph story, isn't it? An epitaph for that witness.

HERBERT OOC: We're being affirmative!

CARRIE OOC: If I was looking for guns, I'd walk down the road until I found a gunshop.
GM: Which road?
CARRIE OOC: Whichever one we're on.

CASSIE: Ur a jeenius! I haz guns.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Bubblegum and rainbows and ponies and Carrie's farts.
CASSIE OCC: What are you blithering about?
CHARLOTTE OOC: Things that sparkle!

CASSIE: It seems like we might all die, so I just want you to know, I despise you all.

CARRIE: Ah was about to hit her in the face, an' prob'ly not do much damage.

GM: Are you just assuming everything Herbert does is wrong?
CASSIE OOC: Yes.

CASSIE: I just want to say I really hate my job.

CASSIE: I hate you.
HERBERT: I hate YOU.

GM: Wow, Charlotte's really comfortable with dead children. Wonder why.
[beat]
GM:It's funny because your family are all dead.

CASSIE: You know, for once, this child's death is not my fault.

CARRIE OOC: My guts check is 31.
CASSIE OOC: WHOA. You're all the way to getting off on this!

Deadlands Season Two: Rick Trolled

invisible_fool — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 00:29:32 GMT

The Cast-
CARRIE: Apparently a woman (and Buddhist nurse).
CASSIE: Apparently another woman (and Catholic Agent).
HERBERT: Possibly a man (and British toff).
Due to EDDIE becoming increasingly unplayable for various demon-related reasons, Eddie's player npc'd the character and switched to RYAN: Probably a sorcerer (and nosy feller).

(Because context is for the weak)
EDDIE OOC: If it helps, he's also revolving in his great-great grandfather's testicles.
GM: I'VE GOT POP ROCKS IN MY NUTS!

CASSIE OOC: Can I be high as well?
EDDIE OOC: Yeah, go on then.
CASSIE OOC: Yay!

EDDIE OOC (as Dr Who Buddha): Ten regenerations left, doo-dah, doo-dah.

HERBERT OOC (about Buddha): AND he'd fit in with the Sontarans!

CASSIE: And she IS a horny 15-year-old.
HERBERT: A what?
EDDIE: Someone who's 15.

CASSIE: This is another thing you've set on fire I'm gonna get in trouble about...

HERBERT: Er, no one just 'gets' religion.

CASSIE OOC: Shut up, I shoot things. Mostly children.

EDDIE (attempting to commit suicide): Dammit. I can't just jump out the boat and drown.... Dammit, I left my gun behind.

HERBERT OOC: Cassie, at some point Herbert will be grabbing you.
CASSIE OOC: Hands off, dude.

CASSIE: Look, I'm OK with this. It's technically not suicide.

CASSIE: Thanks. We're losing the unwitting demon pawn for the witting demon pawn.
EDDIE OOC: AND I'm a journalist!

RYAN OOC: Hey, GM, can I take Skinchange: Raven?
CARRIE OOC: All. My. Hate.

RYAN OOC: I'm Episcopalian, it's like Catholic Lite. Same great religion but only half the guilt.
CASSIE OOC: Oh, we're gonna get along.

HERBERT: Have you brought a change of clothes? I mean, decent ones?
CARRIE: What's wrong with the way I dress?
RYAN OOC: I missed last session, has he insulted Charlotte and completed the set?

(Cassie embraces a bottle of Coke)
CASSIE OOC: Cuddly, cuddly optimism.

CASSIE: Oh, yeah. It's always the woman's fault. (beat) And yer fat.

HERBERT: No, I can't come with you – it would be improper -
CARRIE: Well, then I can't dress up like your little tart.

(Corsets create Carrie cleavage)
CARRIE: Oh, so that's how those happen. I knew it wasn't natural!

CASSIE: High class New Yorkers are a bit like Herbert. They need... help... when it comes to known' what's a lady.

GM: Boobs are irrelevant. The end.
RYAN OOC: Herbert!

RYAN OOC: On Eddie's behalf, DICKS!
CASSIE: Did you hear somethin'?

RYAN: That British toff probably wants a coupla column inches.
CASSIE: Hur hur hur.

GM: Sad Pinkerton in snow.

CARRIE: Am I from the South?

CARRIE: It seems unlikely that the dead would emerge simply to scold the living.
RYAN OOC: I'd like to point out that this is Carrie talking.

HERBERT: Miyusss Cayyseee, hah's myah Suthan Ayckzent?
Cassie:... never, ever do that again. Ever.

RYAN: Call yourself a big game hunter? You snuck up behind me and shot me in the arsehole!
GM: Big GAY hunter.

(villain waves at party)
(party wave back)

CASSIE OOC: No, I'm just making the Num Num McNummins gesture.

CASSIE OOC: OK, pull gun out of cleavage...
RYAN OOC: Why did I jump through shadows before that?

RYAN: I think that feller wasn't exactly human... good, you're not freakin' out nearly so much as most.

RYAN: I trust you'll hide knowledge o' my amusin' peccadillo?
Cassie: Your what?

CARRIE: Would you bear with me one moment while I fetch my friend?
RYAN: She's my word interpreter!

HERBERT: That depends on how much you value your ignorance.
RYAN: I'm a reporter.

RYAN OOC: We've discovered the eighth deadly sin. It's dickery.
CASSIE OOC (Deadpan): Wow. We're going to hell.

HERBERT: He charged me fifteen dollars for the privilege.
CARRIE: Why did you pay him?
HERBERT: I didn't.
CARRIE: Then that's not charging, that's stealing.

RYAN: Because that'd get me shot.
HERBERT: With a gatling pistol.
RYAN: Though I don't know about that yet.
CASSIE OOC: Hee! [^_^]

(screaming from inside)
CARRIE: Shall we go in now?
HERBERT: After you, my dear.

Deadlands Season Two: Escape from the Everglades

invisible_fool — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:38:55 GMT

The cast-
Carrie: Unhumorous Buddhist nurse.
Cassie: Woman in Black.
Charlotte: Pestilential devil-child.
Herbert: Over-inquisitive British explorer.

and party NPC Raj: Unofficial sane man.
Eddie was elsewhere occupied in the session, mostly getting in touch with his inner zombie in the Everglades.

Cassie: Oh Eddie (swooning gesture).

[Party discusses how to find Eddie]
Herbert: We could just listen for the screams.

Carrie: How many exploding trees are there in this swamp?
Herbert: There’s about to be one more!

Most people at one point or another: Pestilential devil child!

[Raj sinks into swamp and starts killing zombies Predator-style]
Cassie: Your manservant is so cool.
Herbert: He’s way cooler than me.
Everyone: Yeah...
Herbert: You could have paused there girls, you could have given it a moment.

The Black Clothes Incident (Take 2)
Cassie: I don't think I'll fit down the chimney. Since I'm wearing black. Herbert.

The Black Clothes Incident (Take 3)
GM: I think it was [Carrie's player] who said that the Purdy advantage meant Cassie had a huge ra-
Carrie OOC: That was OC! It's not canon!
Cassie OOC: I think we can settle on "medium build".

Herbert OOC: Full bodied?

Charlotte: If he bites you, scream.

[Due to... events Charlotte spends a night drunk in a stable and Cassie takes several baths in a horse trough]
Herbert: So what did I miss last night?
Cassie: If you value your soul and your sanity you will never ask that question again. [Herbert starts to speak] Ever!

Herbert: Are you girls going to be like this the rest of the day?
Carrie: Possibly. Brace yourself.
Herbert: What for?
Cassie: (low voice) Impact.

[Carrie takes Herbert aside to fill him in]
Carrie: There you go, aren’t you glad you’ve been filled in. Is this fair, do you feel you've been kept in the loop?

Herbert: May I make a request? Next time something like this happens I don't want to be told.

Person-shaped Demon NPC: Oh, I'm sure I could make you smile...
Carrie: I am not known for smiling.
Cassie: She's right. She ain't.

Deadlands Season Two: Zombie Jamboree

invisible_fool — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 23:27:56 GMT

The cast-
Carrie: Crazy ~~squirrel~~ Buddhist
Cassie: Crazy government agent.
Charlotte: Crazy teenager.
Eddie: Crazy zombie
Herbert: Crazy British hunter.
and new npc Saul: Crazy old coot

GM: Anyway, you were judging her.
CARRIE OOC: Yes, I was.

CARRIE OOC: Ah'm a thquirl! Ahmma eat your ahballs! When Ah grow up, Ah'm gonna breathe fahr!

EDDIE: Charlotte! We got zombies to kill!
CHARLOTTE: Awww...

CARRIE: I understand the theory, I just don't know what a rag is.

HERBERT: You were talkin' about those people, the, umm...
GM as NPC: The ones who move around?
HERBERT: Yes, where are they?
GM as NPC: ...They move around?

EDDIE: So if someone sucks your face you're gonna get 'em off?
CHARLOTTE: NO!

CARRIE: I fixed it.
CASSIE: You did?
CARRIE: Well, Buddha fixed it.

CHARLOTTE: What for?
EDDIE: FOR HEAVIN' YOUR BOSOM!
CARRIE: A reference to heathen boo-zooms?
CARRIE: This is a thing that attracts young men.
CHARLOTTE: Why?
EDDIE: Never you mind, you're too young.

EDDIE OOC: Who were you sayin' wants the bootay?

HERBERT: Who's responsible?
CASSIE: Someone who can raise the dead and write bad love poetry.
EDDIE: We're lookin' for a teenage nec-ro-mancer.

CARRIE: I don't think I can do it to more than one zombie. So, y'know, your guns are still good. But one on one it's less messy.

GM: You mean you don't want to watch monkey on pensioner combat to the death?

(EDDIE imitates a machine gun)
EDDIE OCC: Buddhabuddhabuddhabuddha...

CHARLOTTE: I don't want to talk about this with her. She walked out on the conversation last time.
CARRIE: I have a broad theoretical knowledge.

CASSIE OOC: She sees me as the daddy.
CARRIE OOC: I hate you.

CARRIE: I'm taking her to the whorehouse and saying “Teach her the trade.”

HERBERT: I know quite a bit about women.
CASSIE: You do?
CARRIE: HOW?

EDDIE OOC: Weirdly erotic dream... or death? Weirdly erotic dream... or death?

(stealth Eddie)
EDDIE OOC: sneak, sneak, sneak, KABOOM!

GM: There's a high-pitched squeal.
EDDIE: Right, that's go time!

(Eddie unleashes both barrels of a shotgun at 3am).
EDDIE: Sorry, did I wake you?

EDDIE OOC: Well, you have to bear in mind that Cassie is more likely to roll more damage and kill a child than she is to have her gun malfunction.
CASSIE OOC: You always have to bring that up, don't you?
EDDIE OOC: I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT BABY!

EDDIE: You tell us what to burn down!
CASSIE: WE ARE NOT BURNING ANYTHING DOWN!
EDDIE: Well, not right now, we're in a waterlogged swamp!
(Cassie flails in rage)

GM: Cassie, could you give me a Cognition roll, please?
CASSIE OOC: No.

(After rolling more than enough to pass a check, Cassie needs time to add up the numbers)
CASSIE: Shut up, I don't normally get to count that high!

CASSIE OOC: Purdy mum's face in drain is what I heard.

EDDIE OOC: One day you may need to be in the Mile High Club. They have a secret service.

GM: Finish eating, Herbert. Put it in your mouth.

CARRIE: I don't wanna have a feel.

CARRIE OOC: I crawl to Eddie.
(Cassie starts giggling.)
CHARLOTTE OOC: You pervert.

EDDIE: You any good with a gun?
SAUL: Nope.
EDDIE: Then we ain't gonna give you one. No offence.

CARRIE OOC (with mouth full of chewy confectionery): We're like edumacated!

CASSIE OOC: Why is it every time I pass my nightmares roll I get woken up anyway?
GM: That reminds me, didn't you just go to sleep?
CASSIE OOC: Aaaargh...

(after failing a roll to stay awake)
CASSIE OOC: I assume I'm on a minus one?
GM: No, you got a good night's sleep.
CASSIE OOC: Oh... yeah. Forgotten what that felt like.

GM: What IS Cassie's dress size?
EDDIE OOC: According to Herbert, it went up recently?

GM: Herbert, when I've specified these dresses enhance the curves, do NOT call them Perks!

(on lingerie)
CARRIE: What does it do?
EDDIE: It puts a smile on men's faces.

EDDIE: Is someone having an all-undead gangbang in the middle of the swamp, Saul?
SAUL: Maybe, actually. What's an undead?

EDDIE: There's an acceptable sort of undead?
CASSIE: Well, I haven't shot you yet.
CARRIE: Why not?
EDDIE: Because she'd miss and shoot a kid.
CHARLOTTE: Dibs not it.

GM: Does this mean Carrie isn't an adult?
EDDIE OOC: She's a Buddhist.

GM: The squirrel fights to avoid this lathering up.
CARRIE (as squirrel) OOC: Why do you hate me?

EDDIE: Why are you wishing vengeance against this squirrel?
HERBERT: No reason.

CASSIE (to Eddie): Well, now you have a top hat. Let's all follow the zombie and ignore that.

(vampires are mentioned)
EDDIE OOC: Do you WANT the sparkly penis?
CASSIE OOC: I don't know, I've never had a sparkly penis!

CARRIE: I have something to help you sleep, if you want.
CHARLOTTE: Does it stop you dreaming?
CARRIE: It might make it harder for you to wake up.

HERBERT OOC: It's too early for disco.

GM: So you're taking Charlotte in her nightgown and slinging her over Eddie's shoulder?
CARRIE: We can dress her.
EDDIE: Oh, that's not creepier.

GM: Guys, I've got Cassie and Herbert knelt down here wanting to see a sparkly penis.

CARRIE OOC: No, wait, if I slept last night do I not have my not sleeping penalty?

EDDIE: Apparently we're not allowed to use fire anymore.
HERBERT: Why?
CASSIE: Because.
HERBERT: That's not an answer.
EDDIE: Herbert, this isn't the time.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Now, if you WANT a slap on the ass...

GM as NPC: ...due to an unfortunate misunderstanding...
CARRIE: What was the misunderstanding? (OOC) I activate Confession.

HERBERT OOC: I'm not going to shoot Carrie. She'd glare at me

CASSIE OOC: I'm a wabbit!

CASSIE: So are we shooting this guy or not?
EDDIE: YES!
CARRIE: No!
EDDIE: He's a necromancer!
CARRIE: But he's human and alive!
EDDIE: HEY!

CASSIE: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BUDDHIST GOES IN!

(at the end of a countdown)
VILLAIN: One...
HERBERT: I have a clear shot.
EDDIE: Go.
HERBERT: Should I-
EDDIE: WEHAVEACOUNTOFONE!

Deadlands: Crocodile Rock

invisible_fool — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 00:01:27 GMT

The Cast-
CARRIE: Libido-less Buddhist nurse.
CASSIE: The Pinky.
EDDIE: The Brain.
HERBERT: Man with a mantlepiece.
CHARLOTTE: Girl with interesting dreams.

CARRIE OOC (to GM): You'd give me one eventually, but not right away.

(On designating a 'safe word' for the session)
GM: This is for me to use, too.

CASSIE: Eddie, I can see, but less than usual.

CASSIE OOC: He called me fat, Eddie.
EDDIE OOC: Yeah, I read the quote. Why is he still alive? Are you saving him for me?
CASSIE OOC: SHH! Don't spoil your Christmas present!

CASSIE OOC: It doesn't say anything about lesbianism.
EDDIE OOC: It's like Queen Victoria that way.

CARRIE: Charlotte, open your top two buttons.
CHARLOTTE: Why?
CARRIE: Just trust me.

(On an unrelated incident)
CASSIE OOC: You were stroking your boobs with oil!
GM: I'm with [Innocent Bystander]. Her boobs are irrelevant.

CASSIE OOC [to Herbert]: Go and fuck your pizza. The GM says so.

GM: Got crocodiles bigger'n me.
CARRIE: That's... not what we're lookin' for.

CASSIE: I trust you guys because I don't trust you on your own.
EDDIE: Then why have we sent Carrie and Charlotte off?
CASSIE: Because... because shut up.
EDDIE: One thing I have always admired, Cass, is your logic.

CARRIE [to Charlotte]: When we get there, you're the one who has to say we're lookin' for a bird. I ain't gonna lie.

HERBERT: But Saul, you say, is a madman.
CASSIE: We're not in any position to judge.

CASSIE: Oh, just set fire to it.

GM: He is, however, wearing the inappropriate old-man braces. Like Herbert.

EDDIE OOC: LLAMA!

EDDIE OOC: I called dibs on this party a loooong time ago.

CARRIE: He likes stuffin' things an' puttin' 'em on his mantlepiece.
HERBERT: Please don't misrepresent me... I like putting them ABOVE my mantlepiece.

EDDIE (whispered to Cassie): Did he just say 'Golly'?
CASSIE (in hysterics): Yes!

GM: You know what, this session probably won't need the safe word because I don't think we're going to get that far.

EDDIE: Cass, I would say you never need ter walk under mah mantlepiece, but I figure nobody's gonna believe that ain't an innuendo.

EDDIE: Everybody hates pigeons. I've got a hat; that's a lot of area to get shit on.

CASSIE: Tastes of pestilence.
EDDIE: Yep. I surely hope I do not catch a fatal disease.

(Partway through a surprisingly successful session)
EDDIE OOC: Cass, when did you learn to roll dice?

GM: Right, we'll start with non-botchy...

EDDIE OOC: Raj is sufficiently versed in yoga for the double-buggery, but Herbert isn't.
CASSIE OOC: ...Not sure if want.

CASSIE OOC: I'm hurt, Eddie.
EDDIE OOC: Talk to Carrie about that.
CASSIE OOC: She can't mend a broken heart.
(Carrie checks sheet)
CARRIE OOC: No, that's true.

HERBERT: Is it that sort of moaning or the other sort?
CASSIE: That is not helpful.

CASSIE [pointing at Charlotte]: YOOU! You finally hit puberty!

EDDIE OOC: I HAVE NO INTEREST IN A BODY ONCE IT'S DEAD! I have to correct this misapprehension every session and frankly I find it deadist!

HERBERT: That's only mildly worse.
EDDIE: Worse?
HERBERT: Or better. I knew it had to be one of the two.

EDDIE OOC [on eating Herbet]: Waste not, want not.
CASSIE OOC: What are you wastin'?

EDDIE: Right. That's good. It's not an evil demon-possessed squirrel.
CASSIE: That's... good to know, Eddie.

GM: There were totally dicks involved in that dream last night!

CASSIE: Eddie, I fully rescind anythin' I said about not eatin' this man. Use your own judgement.

GM: Everyone, Herbert has just refrained from saying something stupid. Twice.
HERBERT: I'm improving!

(the rest of the party is applying horrible gunk to drive mosquitos away)
EDDIE: Best day to be an undead abomination in ages.

CARRIE: I coulda stayed home and married a nice young boy who worked at the laundry.
EDDIE: Carrie, remember what happened to the laundry.

EDDIE: A squirrel with flaps of skin under its arms.
GM: Mm-hmm.
EDDIE: It's skin or somethin' else's? (off Cassie's look) What? It's a valid question.

CARRIE OOC: Eddie has word of the day toilet paper.
GM: HE DOESN'T POO!

CASSIE OOC: Are we really doing toilet paper now? Aren't dick jokes more of our thing?

CASSIE OOC: Is a big puppy. Is covered in fur! ^_^

CASSIE (singing): If you're happy being swallowed clap your hands...

HERBERT: It would be so much easier if we had an aircraft.
CASSIE: Well, get building one, Herbert.

EDDIE OOC: Goddammit, Heroic disadvantage!

GM: Something parts the water near your head.
EDDIE OOC: Does the crocodile react?
GM: It parts its mouth a little wider.
EDDIE OOC: Sweet, sweet cover from fire!

CHARLOTTE OOC: I'm going to join Carrie on the land.
CASSIE OOC: You've lost another daddy.

CARRIE OOC: I try to push them off with my mighty 1d4 Strength.

EDDIE: I'd help, but I'm trying to be eaten by a crocodile. (beat) Best excuse ever.

CASSIE OOC: We're in a hentai! Well, you're in a hentai. I'm in a crocodile.

CASSIE OOC: I can probably put that on the Internet with no repercussions whatsoever... Don't quote that. Or that either.

EDDIE OOC: Let's sing the Drowning Song!

EDDIE: We're safe! No other crocodile is going to eat us while we're in here.

CASSIE: I'm stabbing it in the inner balls. Why is it not dead?

CASSIE: That's called a libido.
CARRIE: I don't have one of those.
CASSIE: Everyone has one of those.
CARRIE: They took it out when I became a Buddhist.

EDDIE OOC: Why is is that whenever we have a serious dramatic scene, one or both of us can't stop laughing?

GM: Herbert appears to be skilfully drowning.

CASSIE (sings): I'm in a crocodile... and I'm OK... I'm in a crocodile... and I'm feelin'... blue... I'm on four wind...

CASSIE: This is the best day ever.

CASSIE OOC: I'm not drowning. I'm suffocating, it's entirely different.

CASSIE OOC: Why are we not fighting naked people instead? Naked people have no armour!

GM: Herbert, something terrifying is heading in your direction.
EDDIE: Hello!

HERBERT OOC: For someone who professes to despise puns-
CASSIE OOC: No, I hate YOUR puns!

GM: Just sit right there while I do Charlotte.

GM: You can leave now.
CASSIE OOC: Ha!
(door doesn't open)
GM: Panic makes it harder.

Deadlands Season Two: Field Trip

invisible_fool — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 23:37:28 GMT

The Cast-
Carrie: Strict Buddhist ~~nanny~~ nurse.
Cassie: Derple ~~Pinkterton~~ Agent.
Charlotte: Rebellious teenager.
Herbert: Great British Hunter.

Herbert: I completely forgot you were legitimately employed.
Carrie: Slips the mind don’t it?
Herbert: Never seems to come up in civilised conversation.
Cassie: That’s the point of being a secret agent.

Cassie: What is secunded? Is that a type of tree?

(On the subject of hunting)
Carrie: Why...would you...want to do...that?

Herbert: We’re going into the Everglades to shoot zombies and crocodiles. What more could we want?
Cassie: What the hell kind of camping trips do you have in England?
Herbert: Very boring ones.

(After getting a spiffy new uniform)
Cassie OOC: No-one’s gonna notice my new clothes then?
Carrie: You look cleaner!

(Still on the subject of the spiffy new uniform)
Herbert: Most people tend to lose weight when they wear black.
(General IC consensus of horror)
Herbert: I’m just saying it works perfectly for her figure!
Cassie: ...Herbert, go to your room and pack.

Herbert: I’m good at stalking.

(Charlotte demonstrating dyslexic confusion)
Charlotte OOC: It’s in your right hand (raises right hand)
Pause
Others OOC: Weren’t you supposed to raise your left hand?
Charlotte OOC: ...My point made

Charlotte OOC: I've noticed that when Herbert tells me to do something I ignore him, when Cassie tells me I argue then disobey and when Carrie tells me I argue then do it.

(After Charlotte has a special dream, Cassie is forced to give "The Talk". Please note Cassie is lapsed Catholic IC)
Cassie: [...] and you're about the age when, well, girls start noticing boys - or in this case girls not that there's anything wrong with that-
Others OOC: Well it kind of is...
Cassie OOC: Shut up! The Bible doesn't say nothing about lesbians!

Deadlands Season Two: Home On The Range

invisible_fool — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 02:23:39 GMT

The Cast:
Carrie: Buddhist nurse in a murdering mood.
Cassie:Pinkerton with a Plan.
Charlotte: Evil devil-child of annoyance.
Herbert: British British tea British.

Herbert: He sent Mr Smith here.

Carrie: How do you know he’s called Mr Smith?

Herbert: I don’t.

Carrie: The correct name for unidentified bodies is John Doe.

Herbert: Well maybe in America...

Carrie: This is America! And he’s probably American!

Herbert: Touché.
*

Herbert: Queen’s English, bitch.

Carrie: I’m sorry who makes you better?

Herbert: [Awkward pause] You do.
*

Cassie: One minute you’re a sovereign, next you’re a bitch.
*

After deciding not to mention the walking dead to the landlord

Herbert: One moment, I think the dead body is moving again-

Cassie: My job is the exact opposite of what you’ve done!
*

On Eddie

Cassie: I can shoot him in the face. That’s been my backup plan since I met him.

Carrie: [Sincerely] That’s reassuring.
*

Cassie: you ask him to dispose of many dead bodies?

Herbert: Define “dispose”...
*

Herbert: I mean “duh” Cassie.
*

GM: The Indians go down with the ease of practice-

(sniggering, mostly from Cassie and Herbert)

Cassie: tee hee, tee hee... blowjobs.

*
Charlotte: You killed me!

Carrie: Buddah understood, that totally didn’t count.

*
On making tea

Indian: Stream there, fire there.

Herbert: Ah, al fresco.

*
Party meets a rather unsettling gentlemen in a hooded cloak.

Charlotte: It’s Eddie!

None-existent Eddie: Surprise Cass! I’m on stilts!
*

Herbert: Why does [Eddie] get quotes when he’s not here?

Cassie: Like the squirrel?

Carrie: Hai guyz! I’m bak!
*

No-one ever asks – worst Indian name ever
*

Carrie: Get out of my way! I’ve got an axe and I’m in a murdering mood!

Herbert: Good.

Carrie: Not really, I’m not in control of my mind and I’m very aware of your position.

Herbert: Oh you want to kill me then.

Carrie: It seems I do.

Deadlands Season Two: Rest Stop

invisible_fool — Tue, 22 May 2012 23:50:49 GMT

The Cast:
Carrie: Magic floating Buddhist.

Cassie: Hypocritical failer of climbing.
Charlotte: Nosy meddling teenager.
Herbert: Font of wealth and Britishness.
And Raj: Faithful and perforated NPC.

GM: Does everybody remember what happened last time?

Carrie OC: Pain lot of pain

Herbert OC: Horror lots of horror
*

Carrie OC: I feel like I was bait last session
*

GM: Yes, those wild turkeys, which roam merrily across the desert plains
*

Carrie OC: I’ve never had to go to the bad place before

Cassie OC: Don’t ever say that again! [To GM] And don’t rub your hands!
*

Herbert OC: Where’s the nearest town we haven’t pissed off or burnt down?
*

Charlotte OC: Cassie’s lactating?
*

Charlotte is now Alice

Herbert is now the Mad Hatter

Eddy is the Cheshire Cat

Carrie is the Queen of Hearts

Cassie is yet to be cast
*

Herbert OC: How much sleep is Herbert going to get with their screaming?

GM: He’s Public schooled

Herbert OC: Oh, so fine then
*

Carrie: It’s alright he [Eddie] doesn’t eat dead meat

Rest of the party: You’re not dead yet!
*

Herbert: First can I have a finger of scotch?

Rest of players descend into childish giggles
*

Cassie OC: That’s a women right?

GM: Congratulations, Cassie can identify male and women types…for now.
*

GM: You sit down and eat your food, nothing horrible appears to have happened…yet.
*

Carrie OC: When has he seen her naked?

Herbert OC: It was the hand incident

Cassie OC: Don’t do that gesture!

*
(After Cassie mispronounces an important word)

GM: Dam it! You quote Linger’rey now or else!
*

GM: The horses are shying away from the doctor

Party: What?

GM: Even Bellerophon.

Party: WHAT!?
*

Charlotte: Stop going back to that!! It happened twice years ago!
*

Charlotte OC: When there is trouble in ones neighbourhood, to whom does one send a telegram?
*

Following a misunderstanding, Herbert to ask the townsfolk if the doctor and the doctor’s mother had children, cue banjo imitations of God Save the Queen
*

Carrie’s player roleplays sleeping, by sleeping
*

Cassie: Ah told you not to poke

Charlotte: Ah aint’ gonna poke, I’m jus gonna look
*

Carrie: Doctor, there’s a bogy man under Charlotte’s bed trying to steal her

Doctor: Sorry I think I’m still asleep

Carrie: No, you’re awake.
*

Doctor: Do you have a problem with paranoia?

Carrie: Its entirely warranted if you ask me

Charlotte: It’s not a problem.
*

Carrie: I’m askin’ you as a child, you can’t do what you told yet.
*

Herbert: You own more weapons than I do

Charlotte: Well you need more then.

Carrie: Yours are bigger.
*

Charlotte OC: Wait, so following telling Charlotte off for poking, Cassie's going poking?

Cassie OC: Yep.
*

Cassie: Carrie, can you look under my bed?

Carrie: ....Are you kidding me?
*

Charlotte: Huh second time I’m trying to kill Herbert, really don’t like him this session.
*

Repeated many times during the fight at the end: Where’s Eddy!?
*

Carrie (to a doctor and a senile octogenarian at a first floor window): Jump damn it, jump!
*

Carrie: As a trained medical professional I can assure you I won’t go through the wall, try a window instead.
*

NPC stalker-cannibal-thing: Om nom nom, this is delicious

Cassie: God damn you! I'm going to ~~CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED.~~

Carrie: It’s okay he’s not eating me!

Dude of eating: Well you spoilt that now, I’ll have to eat you

Carrie: He’s eating me! He’s eating me!
*

Herbert: Don’t kill her, just beat her unconscious!
*

Cassie OC: Damn it, I spent rounds climbing up here only to see him jump out the window with her!
*

NPC cannibal man (Upon seeing the magic Buddhist levitating spell): I want to see how much you can do that.

(Throws Carrie directly upwards)
*

Herbert: If it bleeds we can kill it.

Deadlands Season Two: Botchamania

invisible_fool — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 18:20:18 GMT

The continuing cast-
EDDIE: Magic ~~troll~~ zombie who hits things.
CASSIE: ~~THE LAW~~ Pinkerton who is not any sort of law.
CARRIE: Buddhist ~~lesbian~~ nurse.
CHARLOTTE: Sulky teenage ~~nekkid~~ gunslinger.
HERBERT: Captain ~~Plot~~ British!
and RAJ: Faithful and long-suffering ~~lover~~ manservant of Herbert.

(CHARLOTTE draws a black chip)
CARRIE OOC: If you wake us up with a heart attack again, there's gonna be trouble.

CARRIE OOC: I haven't eaten yet, have I?
GM: I have no idea.
CARRIE OOC: I mean in character.

GM: I'm going to beat you like a three-headed red-headed stepchild.

CARRIE: He was the guy in, what's the place... Texas. No, the other one – Mexico.

EDDIE OOC: I found his address in the underwear drawer-
HERBERT OOC: What were you doing in someone's underwear drawer?
EDDIE OOC: I rolled the highest Search score.

EDDIE OOC: ...because dripping black ichor in front of the Fun Gestapo leads to death.

GM as HERBERT: Eddie, bad show killing a kid. Here's a delicious animal to eat!
CASSIE OOC: Don't encourage him!

EDDIE: The only reason for me to be interested in eating corpse is if it has live maggots!

(CASSIE rolls her Night Terrors check and botches by rolling two 1's on three dice)
CASSIE OOC: The other die is a 12! That's not fair!

CHARLOTTE OOC: Cassie, Herbert will start groping you if you don't get up.
HERBERT: ?

GM: What, so you want that for your nightmares?
CASSIE OOC: ...Raj buggering Herbert?
HERBERT OOC: For the empire!

(Jake's rat reappears)
GM OOC: Charlotte, do not stick a rat in your crotch and turn it on. Stop sexually pleasuring yourself with a rat in the game.

HERBERT OOC: Which is the best hotel?
GM: Tell me how you know which is best.
HERBERT OOC: I'm British.

CHARLOTTE (on Carrie's alleged lesbianism) OOC: Can't sleep, Carrie will eat me...

CASSIE OOC: That hit me in the boob.

CARRIE: To be fair, not all of us are very terrifyin'. I'm not very terrifyin', (points at Charlotte) you're not very terrifyin' (looks at Herbert) ... you're too British to be terrifyin'.

GM: Getting Charlotte naked in an alleyway?
EDDIE OOC: That has never been the PLAN. That just HAPPENS.

RAJ: I'm not comfortable with Miss Cooper imagining me in a dress.

EDDIE: Bein' illiterate is nothin' to be embarrassed about.
CASSIE OOC: Is it... Carrie?

(the party has, thirty seconds prior, been reminded we're looking for a D. Terrius)
HERBERT: I'm looking for a Mr. Pretorious?

(three minutes later)
CARRIE: I'm lookin' fer a Mr... what's his name?

(CARRIE is wrestling with a speech impediment type sweet)
CASSIE OOC: No, no, go back to the part where you mentioned bananas.

CASSIE, to EDDIE: We're dead. Well, I'm dead. You're more dead.

(More debate over what Carrie had said, the sentence was “I can fix you.”)
CASSIE OOC: I heard fish.

EDDIE OOC: Anyone who thinks the party should be replaced with a completely different, better party, raise your hands.
(the vote is unanimous)

GM: ...Because Charlotte 'Botch' Cooper over there...

GM: How do you know this ISN'T Charlotte's black chip?
CASSIE OOC: I'm pretty sure they can't make you botch in real life.

HERBERT: Have I mentioned I love my manservant?

HERBERT: I've got her legs, man, do whatever you want.

HERBERT: I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY!
CASSIE: I'm not your sovereign!

CARRIE: We'll take him back and get him to breathe on you, then you'll understand.

EDDIE OOC: Anyone else think Herbert might be abducted?
CARRIE OOC: It would make a nice change.

CHARLOTTE: Think it's because he's British. If he sees anything he's gotta take it.

EDDIE OOC: I am so angry at this my accent is going Southern!

CARRIE OOC: I'm being his moral guide. Compass. His moral stick.

EDDIE OOC: See, at this point the main thing that's stopping me just setting this place on fire with the Harrowed in it is that Gwendolyn did it last session, showcasing it as a bad idea.

HERBERT OOC: Yes, feel my plot.
(The plot is his penis.)

CASSIE OOC: I always quite liked the plot.

CASSIE OOC, to CHARLOTTE: So it's just a toss up whether it's you or me who gets kidnapped, huh? Personally I'm hoping it's me because with you it's getting old.

CASSIE: Yeah, I think I'll balance the drink out with more drink, please.

HERBERT, to CHARLOTTE: HAVE YOU BEEN OUT UNSUPERVISED?

EDDIE OOC: Wow, Cassie really wants Herbert's plot.

CASSIE OOC: This is like the best thing you could've gotten in your mouth at this point.

CASSIE OOC: Why am I talkin' to the hand again?
EDDIE & HERBERT OOC: 'Cause the face ain't list'nin'!

CASSIE OOC: Sooner or later all hands are fuckin' hands.

CARRIE OOC: Lithp.

HERBERT: She has very strange priorities. She's a Buddhist.

EDDIE OOC: It's not breaking the law, he's rich!

EDDIE: You say mistake, we say Tuesday.

HERBERT: That is appealing to my better, gentlemanly nature. That is fiendish.

HERBERT: How long did I say you were barred from my supplies of Horlicks and cocoa?

GM: But where would you get your regular information from?
CASSIE OOC (points to EDDIE and HERBERT): Him and his fist, and him and his dosh.
CARRIE OOC: My grandma shows up occasionally.

CHARLOTTE OOC: She had me on speed earlier.
CARRIE OOC: I've taken you off that.

(Cassie shoots herself in the head via ricochet... and finally get good damage)

HERBERT: ...WHO KILLED MY MANSERVANT?

(Party are trapped in cupboards and cellars)
CASSIE OOC: It's finally time for Carrie Glau to come out of the closet!

EDDIE OOC: Anyone else think we should put Charlotte down to put her out of her misery?
(the vote is again unanimous)

EDDIE OOC: Yeah, but I'm a much, much sexier corpse.
GM: Skeptical looks from everyone.

EDDIE: You remember that world where the first time you got in you came in naked?
CARRIE: How? I haven't smoked anythin'!

CASSIE: Does this mean your body is out there walkin' around?
EDDIE: I got no way of knowin', but you might wanna get out fast. I was kinda peckish.

CARRIE: I've never been so happy to have no fighting skills.

(Carrie blinds Eddie)
CARRIE: Eddie, what are you doing?
EDDIE: I had a a plan! Where are you?
CARRIE: I'm not telling you.

(Cassie is sneaking up behind a monster)
CARRIE: CASSIE?
CARRIE: YEAH? … Oh fuck!

EDDIE OOC (Deadpan): Yeah, but the difference is that Charlotte's parents deserved it.

(Carrie has just taken three levels' damage everywhere due to her bones trying to leave her body)
EDDIE: All in favour of letting Carrie rest after this?
(the vote features everyone but Carrie agreeing)

CARRIE OOC: My character sheet looks pretty now.

(Eddie and Cassie try to give Carrie advice)
CASSIE: Blind it! Blind it!
EDDIE: It might not like the light!

(Monster throws Charlotte at Cassie)
CARRIE OOC: Charlotte to the FACE!

(Herbert decides to stop playing dead and sits up)
HERBERT OOC (seeing the monster): ...and I finally get to make a Guts roll, don't I?

EDDIE OOC: Clap your hands if you believe in Cassie's Vigor roll!
CASSIE (to Herbert): Clap, dammit.

Deadlands Season Two: 21 Hours Later, or The Coming Out Party of Carrie Glau

invisible_fool — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 12:42:23 GMT

The Cast:
EDDIE: Magic zombie.
CASSIE: Pinkerton, but just barely.
CARRIE: Buddhist ~~perv~~ nurse.
CHARLOTTE: Teenager with guns who may need an adult. That is not Carrie.
GWENDOLYN JONES: Pyromaniac guest star and guardian angel.
And RAJ: Professional npc.

EDDIE OOC: ...and we're reasonably certain that 'Competent' is an Arcane Background you need points for.

GM: I should just shoot you all until you get chips.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Hang on, are you saying if people piss you off they deserve to be murdered?
CASSIE AND CARRIE OOC: No, eaten by Eddie!
EDDIE OOC: What?

GM: Well, what are you carrying?
GWENDOLYN OOC: Satan?
GM: Begins with the same letter.
CASSIE OOC: Guns?
EDDIE OOC: Did you just say scones?

CARRIE: I do not like this city.
(two minutes later)
CARRIE: I do not like this city.

(In asylum)
CASSIE OOC: As I said, I've seen worse. These are just crazy people.
GM: We weren't lockin' 'em up to start with, we just thought they were crazies and shot 'em.
EDDIE OOC: I nod at this wise and civilised behaviour.

GM: We're gonna be hangin' him tonight-
EDDIE OOC: I nod at this wise and civilised behaviour.

EDDIE: My heart stopped beating... differently to normal.
GWENDOLYN OOC: I may be tripping balls.

EDDIE OOC: Good news, Charlotte, you get to live another day.
CASSIE OOC: Yeah, we found someone else to substitute for your living flesh.

EDDIE OOC: You know, Charlotte, if you don't want me to eat you, you could just die before I get the chance.

CASSIE (filling in for Herbert): British British British black pudding British?

CARRIE OOC: Shut up, I don't like you anyway. Bloody angels.

CASSIE: Note to everyone: Do not get bit.

GM: Dying can be difficult.
EDDIE OOC: Yeah, I charged a machine gun and I still didn't manage it.
CARRIE OOC: Try harder. If you put the effort in I'm sure I can achieve it.

GM: A guy got bit by a dog, but he said it wasn't a problem 'cause he'd run outta food.
EDDIE OOC: I nod at this wise and civilised behaviour.

(EDDIE leaves group)
EDDIE: FREEDOM!
CASSIE OOC: Don't eat anybody!

EDDIE OOC: Basically, I'm the only one Gwendolyn can't kill.
GWENDOLYN OOC: No, you could still have fun.
EDDIE OOC: I could, but instead I hang around with these folks.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Team Girly & Competent, by which I mean me, Carrie, Cassie and Raj...

CARRIE: Right. Was there something you wanted to tell us? ...Cassie, stop gigglin' at that book an' pay attention!

CHARLOTTE: You know those nightmares I've been havin'?
CARRIE: Intimately... I mean...

GWENDOLYN OOC: You just want to get her naked, don't you?
CASSIE OOC: ...Just a minute, Carrie, how many “full physicals” have you given this girl?

CARRIE: Something unnatural is at work here.
(EDDIE waves)

GWENDOLYN OOC: And Eddie, no babies.
EDDIE OOC: I don't eat many babies. I can't get the supply.

GM: Carrie is abusing her doctor's privileges to get Charlotte naked. Get that quoted.

CARRIE OOC: I suspect that Something Positive is not, in fact, very positive, in the same way that Cyanide & Happiness contains very little happiness.

GWENDOLYN OOC: Stop being efficient. We don't like efficiency here.

EDDIE OOC: There was definitely something about Herbert's sex life.
CASSIE OOC: Actually, we were discussing Horlicks.

EDDIE (rolling an exploding D6) OOC: Yay! … Yay! … Yay!... Oh, come on!... Seriously, the fuck?... OK, I got 34.

CASSIE & CARRIE OOC (simultaneously): I FOUND THE PLOT!

GWENDOLYN: And where was this?
EDDIE OOC: I gesture at the underwear drawer.

CARRIE OOC: We haven't stripped Charlotte down yet.

(GM fails at rolling dice)
GWENDOLYN OOC: What the shit shitfuck?
GM: I can't see my spot check! Yay!

EDDIE OOC: I am not storing things in my machine gun wound!
GWENDOLYN OOC: It's an efficient use of space!

CASSIE OOC: What? I didn't get hired for my diplomacy, I got hired because I shot zombies in the face!

(Upon finding miner's tools in victim's house)
GWENDOLYN OOC: What'd he do for a living? Herpaderpadoobilydoo!

(on Sneak rolls)
CASSIE OOC: 5d6, please.
EDDIE OOC: Holy shit, you're a ninja!... OK, I shouldn't say that until we've rolled.

CARRIE OOC: I don't strip Charlotte off randomly!
EDDIE OOC: You do it with perving aforethought?

(Cassie’s player comes in after bathroom break)
CASSIE OOC: What the fuck did I walk in on?
CARRIE OOC: They were going to abuse me.
CASSIE OOC: Oh, that's alright then. I thought it was somethin' serious.

GM OOC: You could motorboat those quite happily.
EDDIE OOC: I question happily. I really do.
(this was in reference to a photo of Big Daddy V. If you google him, you are a fool.)

GM: Oh, it's you all. Except for you.

GM as NPC: Didn't you all learn in Mexico?
EDDIE: Apparently not!

EDDIE (about GWENDOLYN): Why is she with us?
CHARLOTTE OOC: Because the GM stuck us with him!

CASSIE OOC: I need d8s.
CARRIE OOC: I can offer you d10s?
CASSIE OOC (quickly): Yes!

EDDIE OOC: Cass, if you don't roll damage I will and you know it'll kill him.

(a botch on a gun rolls leads to an unfortunate accident)
CASSIE OOC: I don't deserve chocolate now.

CARRIE OOC: I use my magic voodoo!
EDDIE: NOT IN FRONT OF THE GUARDIAN ANGEL!
CARRIE: SHE SHOT A CHILD!

(Cassie rolls exploding successes on her Guts roll)
CASSIE OOC: Apparently I'm totally fine with shooting a child.

CARRIE OOC (to Cassie): It's a good thing you're pretty so you have nice big boobs.
(seconds later)
CARRIE OOC: I'm not saying they're massive.

EDDIE OOC: This will henceforth be known as the coming out party of Carrie Glau.

(EDDIE runs into burning building to save GWENDOLYN)
CARRIE OOC: Eddie's being a hero. Because he can't breathe.
EDDIE OOC: Two nad shots, two rounds!

CASSIE OOC: Can I roll Strength to get my leg out from between this guy's thighs?

CASSIE OOC: Would you have rather I stayed between his thighs?
CHARLOTTE OOC: Yes.

EDDIE OOC: Yay! I immerse myself in horsepiss.

CASSIE OOC: After Eddie's done with the horsetrough Cassie's getting in it.

(Eddie accidently breaks a rabid child's neck with a punch)
[long pause]
CARRIE: ...Eddie?
EDDIE OOC: ...Yeah, I may have overdone that.

CASSIE OOC: There's no Buddhist cure for shock!

GWENDOLYN OOC: Because it's not Charlotte, and therefore you don't wanna get her naked.

CARRIE OOC: I'm not stripping her!
GM: You said you were checking her for bite marks.
CARRIE OOC: Yeah, I'm not stripping her, I'm asking her to take all...

GM: Eddie, have you been biting Charlotte.
(Eddie rolls a d6)
EDDIE OOC: Dice say no.

GM: Could you roll your second Night Terrors so I know if all three of you have botched?

CARRIE: First we need to see if Cassie's responding.
CASSIE OOC: I've been screaming most of the night!

CARRIE OOC: Right. Lay on hands, because I can.
CASSIE OOC: Because you want to touch the fifteen year old.

EDDIE: Bein' honest, I probably deserved t'be set on fire back there. I did punch a kid to death.
CASSIE OOC: You are getting no argument from me.

Deadlands Season Two: Requiem For A Dolphin

invisible_fool — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 14:19:56 GMT

The cast as usual:

EDDIE: The dead person who eats people.
CASSIE: The live person who shoots people.
CARRIE: The Buddhist person who heals people.

CHARLOTTE: The young person who gets kidnapped by people.
HERBERT: The British person who is British at people.

And the unlucky NPCS:
RAJ: Long-suffering manservant of Herbert.
BILL: The ~~Batman~~ ~~Manbat~~ person of unspecified species.

CARRIE: This was in – I do not remember the name of it!

BILL: He's one of those dead people who eat people.
CASSIE: As opposed to those live people who eat people?
HERBERT: Actually we have run into those.

EDDIE: Speaking as the one who punched this guy in the face, I think we're over-threatening him.

EDDIE: Withholdin' cocoa from a lady?
HERBERT: YES.

CARRIE: You have a personal queen?

HERBERT (punishing Carrie): No cocoa, no Horlicks. For a WEEK.

HERBERT: Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to stick my head in my pillowcase for the next three days.
EDDIE OOC: Oh my God, he's a Klansman.

HERBERT: g... gah... guh... g... gunboat!
GM: Gunboat?
HERBERT OOC: I DON'T KNOW!

GM (describing Raj): ...gazing at the beds with a longing you usually only see for Herbert.

GM: One thing you'll notice, Cassie, as I'm sure you're checking for anyone breaking into your porthole-
EDDIE: It's me.

EDDIE OOC: ...Pork scratchings and cockroaches are not quite the same.

EDDIE OOC: I'MMA NOMMA DOLPHIN!

CASSIE OOC: There's a fucking dolphin in your porthole, dude!

CASSIE OOC: I'm pretty sure vegetarians don't eat Flipper. I think there's a law against it.

CARRIE: No, no, I'b hoding ondo node, you cond doo ib!
(Best not to ask)

GM: Having briefly confirmed that one of the tenets of Buddhism is 'do not get your nose rubbed in it'.

CASSIE OOC: Night terrors!
CHARLOTTE OOC: Shurrup! The GM had forgotten!

CARRIE OOC: I'm sleeping really well. Please don't have a heart attack and wake me up.
CASSIE OOC: Yeah, Charlotte, so inconsiderate!

EDDIE OOC: Come on, Cass, you can Cognit!
CASSIE OOC: I don't wanna! I wanna sleep through this!

EDDIE OOC: I will remind you that last time we had to wake her up, you set her on fire.

CASSIE: I think Charlotte might be dying!
CARRIE: What? Why?

CARRIE: I'll be honest, I'm not that good at heart attacks. She has a pre-existing condition!

EDDIE OOC: I shot myself in the foot for raven Buddha!

CARRIE: Well, I can strike her blind, but I'm not sure that's much help in the current circumstance.

GM: So, how's it going?
EDDIE OOC: There was brief consideration of blinding her.

CASSIE (to Charlotte) OOC: You're so much trouble. We were sleeping!

CARRIE OOC: I beat her in the chest violently.
CASSIE OOC: That's OK, I was slapping her in the face five minutes ago.

EDDIE OOC: You know, in comparison, dragging a dolphin in through the window for dinner seems almost civilised.

GM: Do you want to give that to Charlotte?
CASSIE OOC: Yes, or she'll have another heart attack and wake me up again.

CASSIE OOC: At least some of us got dinner, EDDIE. Not all of us can...
GM: Go on, say it, summon a dolphin through the porthole!

CARRIE OOC: What are you doing in my room? Eddie's bad enough, then there's the dolphin! The last thing we need is you!

CASSIE: You've cursed us all, you fucking British toff!

HERBERT: Eddie, you haven't eaten Raj, have you?
EDDIE: Not to the best of my knowledge (Beat) That didn't sound as comforting as I'd hoped.

HERBERT: I was cleaning it, and I shot him.
EDDIE: Your trigger discipline SUCKS.

BILL: Do all British people eat blood for breakfast?
HERBERT: Well, if they can get hold of it, yes.

CASSIE: Your eating habits disgust Eddie, man. And that takes some doing!

HERBERT: No, I'm not going to stuff it. For one thing, Raj isn't here.
EDDIE: ...What?

GM: Just for your information, Eddie, Herbert saunters into the room, picks up a big honking knife, then leaves.
EDDIE OOC: Must be Tuesday. I'll go back to smoking.

GM (as NPC): Mate, did you just offer to show him your manservant?

HERBERT: My servant, my aide, my valet, my-
CASSIE OOC: -penis.

HERBERT: Ah, I see you have the porridge. I brought you a knife.
CASSIE OOC: Do you want to know why I use a knife? [beat] 'Cos porridge tastes better when it's difficult!

CARRIE: Does anybody want any edible food?

GM: Congratulations, you get your porridge. See what a five-point Sidekick gets you in Deadlands?

HERBERT: Oh, yes, you're a bat.
BILL: I'm not a bat, I'm a person.
HERBERT: A person bat?
BILL: I'm a person.

HERBERT: Don't mention the big bat.
CASSIE: It was enormous. With teeth.

CASSIE OOC: And then I shall become Batman. Because Americans are a superstitious cowardly lot.

CASSIE OOC: I'm not sure you count as American if you're dead.
EDDIE OOC: Will this affect my voting rights?

HERBERT: You're a person with two... things... in front.

EDDIE OOC: To be fair, if I'd been smarter and more paranoid I probably wouldn't have charged that Gatling gun.

GM: Agamemnon has that vacant look that only a horse that pretty can get away with.
CASSIE OOC: It's a horse Cassie!

HERBERT: Ladies first.
CASSIE: I think that's probably still you, Herbert.

HERBERT OOC: You made me drop my inhaler. Almost into my orange juice.

HERBERT: I think the man is most definitely a cad.
SHERIFF: A what?

GM: Shhh. You're being drugged. Stop complaining.

EDDIE: Are we dosing you with Ritalin?
CHARLOTTE: We might be?

GM: Those of you making use of a wagon and horses to travel make better speed than Herbert and his attempts to will himself to dematerialise.

GM: Will you stop brutalising that monkey?
CARRIE OOC: Oh, you're one to talk.

EDDIE: Wait, you're saying the Irish aren't Scottish?
CASSIE: Yeah.

CARRIE: Don't call me Mom.
HERBERT OOC: Carrie, please don't turn our kid into a drug addict.
CARRIE OOC: What do you mean, our kid? What have you ever done for that kid?

CASSIE: Uh, guys?
HERBERT: Yeah?
CASSIE: Not you.

CASSIE OOC: We're helpful. We're gonna give an evil artefact over to Reverend Grimm!

CASSIE OOC: Make it powerfuller?

EDDIE OOC: How would you spell powerfuller?
CASSIE OOC: How it sounds.

CARRIE OOC: Could you be any more unspecific?

CASSIE OOC: I will kick your ankle.

EDDIE OOC: Uh, question? Does eating hobos count as witchcraft?

(Eddie fails his Cognition)
EDDIE OOC: CASSIE, WHERE AM I?
CASSIE OOC: I don't know, Eddie, you're invisible!

CASSIE: Where we go, trouble follows, but often gets in front of us.

Deadlands Season Two: The Inevitable Toy Episode

invisible_fool — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 00:41:10 GMT

The cast-
EDDIE: Undead teddy bear.
CASSIE: Pinkerton cowgirl doll.
CARRIE: Buddhist china doll.
CHARLOTTE: Teenage raggedy doll.
HERBERT: British nutcracker.

(A plush toy is murdered due to reasons unrelated to the game)
EVERYONE: You killed Mr Monkey!
GM (puppeting monkey): I'm a product of misplaced aggression!

HERBERT OOC: Given the choice between the female body and a cup of tea, I'd choose the cup of tea. What? I have my priorities straight.
EDDIE OOC: Those are not straight priorities.

CASSIE OOC: Ah! YES! You are still ticklish!
~~INNOCENT~~ BYSTANDER: Yeah, but so are you!

CASSIE OOC: Huh. Herbert, have you not come out of the closet yet?

GM: I have chosen... poorly...

CASSIE: I'm a distraction!

CASSIE: I'm perfectly willing to die in the line of duty. I would've preferred not to do it as a raggedy doll.

CASSIE: You need help with this? I'm down to punching it with my soft plushie hands!
EDDIE: Get to cover, Cass! You deserve not to die in this embarrassing a situation!

EDDIE OOC: So to sum up, if I weren't a zombie I'd be dead right now?

EDDIE OOC (as he chips away damage): Well, I'm a teddy. I suspect Eddie needs to die for the sake of the party soon, but there are limits. I am not dying as a teddy.

GM: The colossus falls down on Eddie-
EDDIE: MMMMPH!
GM: Then she jumps up, and a scalpel's embedded in her ass-
EDDIE & CASSIE: WOOO!
GM: - which falls out-
EDDIE: AAH! ROLL FOR COVER!

HERBERT (to the grandfather of an undead little girl): CHASTISE HER! SEND HER TO BED! No, wait – GET A PRIEST!

EDDIE: HERBERT! GRAB THE SCALPEL AND STAB HER IN THE SPINE!
HERBERT: You asked for this, young lady!

CASSIE OOC (to her dice): Roll higher than five, once in your fucking lives!
HERBERT OOC: No!

EDDIE OOC: I'm just trying to work out if I can get away with eating that stuffed bat without Herbert complaining.

CASSIE (as grandfather walks away, leaving her in the clutches of the evil undead girl): You old fart! You doddering old fool! THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST THE USA!

GM AS NPC: I soiled myself except I didn't.
CARRIE: Do you feel better now?

EDDIE OOC: In the future, Bellerophon will recruit the Silver Surfer as a herald, and will become Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.

HERBERT: I'll inform our stenographer.
EDDIE: Our what?
HERBERT: Our stenographer.
EDDIE: Aston who?

HERBERT OOC: We go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

CASSIE OOC: Can we not discuss eating the grandfather?
EDDIE OOC: I don't even have teeth at the moment!
CARRIE OOC: You should have brought a straw.

CARRIE OOC: I'm thleepy now.

GM: ...and also the high-pitched yowl of a cat that's been thrown through a window...
EDDIE: I'M HAVING DINNER LATER!

GM & FRIEND: HATE HUGGGG!

(Sounds of "TALLY-HO!" echo from the stairs)
CASSIE: I think that might be Herbert.
UNDEAD CHILD: Which one's Herbert?
CASSIE: The one with the big mouth.

UNDEAD CHILD: How are they climbing the stairs?
EDDIE: OH THE SHITTING FUCKNOZZLES!
CARRIE: THIS IS NOT MY PREFERRED METHOD OF TRANSPORTATION!
CASSIE: ...What they said.

EDDIE OOC: Stockholm Syndrome doesn't kick in immediately.
GM: 'I love you' is not what you say to a kidnapper.

CASSIE: These hands are really handy... I didn't mean to make that pun. Stop giving me that look you're a doll.

CARRIE: Eddie, you don't look very well!
EDDIE (beat): I think my primary ailment would be bein' a motherfuckin' teddy bear!

HERBERT: I have a cork rifle.
EDDIE: I'm sorry to hear that, Herbert.

CARRIE OOC: I'm going to hide away from that hammer. Because I'm currently made of china.

EDDIE OOC: Basically, it's that bit where Scrappy-Doo is held back by somebody, only a lot cooler as she's not Scrappy-Doo.
CASSIE OOC: Eddie, that may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

HERBERT: Hand! To the closet! I need reinforcements!
(Eddie and Cassie look at each other.)

GM: We're not going to submit this to the horror that is logic.

CASSIE OOC: Cassie is going to continue what she's been doing most of the way, which is stab a small child with a scalpel.

UNDEAD CHILD: I've gone blind!
CASSIE: Good!
EDDIE: Don't make sounds!
UNDEAD CHILD: Thank you! (stabs at Cassie)

CARRIE OOC: Does she have some sort of skill in Fightin': Flamin'?

EDDIE OOC: If we keep going we can get a lot of stacking modifiers on this bitch!

CARRIE: I catht Confeffion!

(Intermission caused by brief outbreak of Hamster dance)

HERBERT OOC: Are you a member of the Communist party?
GM: Too soon! Too soon!

CASSIE (failing yet another dice roll to stab the undead child): Cassie hate boot!

CHARLOTTE: I was trying to get us backup!
EDDIE: Well, you know what, Charlotte? You've got our back up.

GM (as Herbert): I'M AN ENGLISHMAN ON A SEVERED HAND! LOOK AT ME!

CARRIE OOC: I hate Ben Stiller. He annoys me so much.
EDDIE OOC: It was that weekend he followed you around taunting you, wasn't it?

GM (to Herbert): You unsuccessfully stab a target the size of this room with a nail.

EDDIE OOC: Vy do you vish to get avay from ze penis?

CASSIE: What are you doing in the fuckin' dolls house?
EDDIE OOC: Fuckin' dolls?

(After Charlotte wanders off alone and gets in trouble again)
CASSIE: COME BACK TO THE DOOR YOU PESTILENTIAL CHILD!
CHARLOTTE OOC: I'm not a child!
CASSIE OOC: Yes you are!
CHARLOTTE OOC: No I'm not!
CARRIE OOC: Are you in trouble?

GM: A gutting hook comes through the door.
CASSIE OOC: Right, two can play at that game. I give it a load of scalpel.

CASSIE OOC (failing yet another attack roll): Arg... I can't hit a blind doll!

CARRIE: CASSIE CAN'T HIT THIS VERY WELL!
CASSIE: ...Don't tell him that.
CARRIE: Well, you're not.

CASSIE: It's targeting by sound, you fucking stupid-
(monster finally lunges after ignoring Carrie)

CASSIE OOC: Wait, more than one heart?
GM: Are you a doctor?
CARRIE OOC: I am!

GM: ...lungs, hearts, kidneys, or to Eddie, lunch, breakfast, dinner...
EDDIE OOC: They're all dead, right?
(GM nods)
EDDIE OOC: Could you not taunt me with spoiled food?

CASSIE: Also, you're a china doll. Chances are your flesh is not going to drop off.

CHARLOTTE OOC: Hurrr. Erotic.

CASSIE: I'll be honest with you, they don't actually give us Pinkterton training.

CASSIE: How do you pugn something, anyway?

HERBERT: Here's fifty dollars, tell him to buy a drink with it.
EDDIE: You could drown in a drink like that!

GM AS TOWNSMAN: He might have murdered a cat last night.
EDDIE OOC: I look shifty.

(The closing lines of the session)
GM AS NPC: I've seen you two naked!

Deadlands Season Two: The Herp Derp Chronicles

invisible_fool — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:28:22 GMT

Still including:
EDDIE: The zombie
CASSIE: The law
CARRIE: The ~~schoolmarm~~ Buddhist
CHARLOTTE: The luck sink
HERBERT: The other luck sink, but only for-

RAJ: Herbert's manservant and resident NPC

EDDIE (to Cassie): We're not calling you easy, we're calling part of you easy.
CASSIE: There's not much practical difference.

EDDIE OOC: Cassie not like beddy-byes, as Cassie has to roll night terrors.
CASSIE OOC: But I'm not sleeping.
EDDIE OOC: Ahh. So as long as you never sleep for the rest of your life...
CASSIE OOC: It's a cunning plan!

GM: We'll give Herbert his chance to tell us what he's got...
EDDIE OOC: Herpes.
GM: ...that's not contagious.

GM: Herbert?
HERBERT OOC: Yes?
GM: No.
HERBERT (beat) OOC: ...awww.
CASSIE OOC: Well, that's you told.

EDDIE: Win. Wine!
CARRIE OOC: Do you drink wine?
EDDIE OOC: No, but I can barter it for hobos.

EDDIE OOC: No, by making that assumption, Herbert, you're mistaking us for being competent, sensible, and able to plan.

GM: Right, people can say what they want to [opens oven] AH! MY FACE! - investigate.

(Eddie unveils a prisoner)
GM, in Chinese: PLEASE STOP HITTING ME! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP HITTING ME!
EDDIE: ...What?

CARRIE, in Chinese: Now, do not kill your mother.
EDDIE: Sounds like her lecturin' tone to me.

(Carrie finishes explaining what the convict has to do)
EDDIE OOC: Best TV show ever. Schoolmarm, the supercop.

(Cassie and Carrie start singing 'Here comes the plot' at Herbert)
HERBERT: Raj... this is a very silly town, isn't it?
RAJ: I never mock your holiday destinations, sir,

HERBERT: We might need the Number Two dynamite.
EDDIE OOC: ...The shit dynamite?

EDDIE: I gotta say, I'm lookin' forward to the arrival of Operation: Big Loud Englishman.

HERBERT OOC: Raj doesn't have a weakness!
CHARLOTTE OOC: He does, it's you!

(Cassie finally manages to pass a Cognition check)
CASSIE OOC: Yay! I can hear dynamite exploding!

(discussing the explosions)
EDDIE (to Carrie): There's two possibilities. It's either your new year... or Herbert.

EDDIE: It's Herbert and Raj. They might be using dynamite to deal with a mosquito problem.

EDDIE: I hate to interrupt this discussion, but Raj is in trouble and so is Herbert.
CHARLOTTE: Because Herbert's there.
HERBERT OOC: Hey, I pay him!
CASSIE OOC: Whaddaya want, a medal?

HERBERT: Raj! Here! Money!

GM: Charlotte, the seeing-eye kid-
CHARLOTTE OOC: Seeing ear.
GM: Seeing ear? SEEING EAR?

(chef picks up cleaver and starts threatening Eddie)
CASSIE: What is it with women in this town?
EDDIE: They allllll wanna piece of me!

CARRIE OOC: I shout as loud as I can “CAN I JUST CONFIRM YOU CAN'T HEAR ME?”

GM: It stump-handed – well, backstumped – Charlotte.

HERBERT OOC: I forgot about that Christmas one shot because you had a squirrel.
EDDIE OOC: ...That's one weird squirrel.

GM: No, dynamite is not a close support weapon.

GM: Charlotte is skulking off-
EDDIE OOC: Oh, god. We go with her.
CASSIE OOC: Yes.

(Herbert gets knocked down by a deaf cook with a rolling pin)

(After Herbert pays the cook to go away)
CASSIE OOC: We shoulda thought of that.
EDDIE OOC: We couldn't'a handed her two years pay!
CASSIE OOC: Well done, Herbert. You have paid for your first woman. You are now a man.

GM: Herbert, one severed hand has become your mental nemesis!
EDDIE OOC: I've worked out what we bring Charlotte along for. She never quite dies but she's useful as a source of ablative hit points.

CASSIE OOC: It's because we have a better budget because the first season was such a hit.
EDDIE OOC: Deadlands: The Herp Derp Chronicles?

GM: Cassie, what are you doing other than looking at Charlotte Fail Bear?
CASSIE OOC: Pulling a trollface.

CASSIE: If I can't run faster than a head I'm in the wrong job.
EDDIE: You're in the wrong job, Cass.

GM: The Gatling only hits you with one bullet.
CASSIE: Joy.
EDDIE OOC(sings): -to the world?
CASSIE OOC (sings): The bullet has come!

GM: In front of you is what we in the business call another Gatling gun and what you'll know as a Gatling gun.

CASSIE: I'm finally being kind of awesome!

CARRIE OOC (after being tickled by GM): I felt like a T-Rex.

CASSIE OOC (to Charlotte): I STOLE YOUR LUCK! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

EDDIE (to pile of possibly animate body parts): Nice try, dickless.
GM: You realise it might just be a dead body, not an ambush?
EDDIE OOC: Yeah, but if so I just said that to a dead thing that won't know and two people I'm about to tell it's an ambush... It's an ambush.

CHARLOTTE OOC: I'm gonna shoot things.
GM: Would you like to clarify? I mean, 'things' could be a lot of things.
EDDIE OOC: Hello.

HERBERT: I think our friends have got into trouble!
CASSIE OOC: Why do you assume it's us?
(For the record it wasn't.)

CASSIE OOC: I can't contribute, I'm unconscious.

HERBERT OOC: I'm going to kick it.
GM: Roll Fightin': Brawlin'.
HERBERT OOC: Wait, what?

EDDIE OOC: My default cure for unconsciousness is not to eat the patient!

EDDIE (muted): If she can't be saved I'm totally calling dibs.

EDDIE OOC: I run to help her. With exactly this tone of resignation in my body language.

GM: I would like people to state their actions with minimum stupidity-
CASSIE OOC: Continue breathing.

GM: Herbert, you have to kill this hand-
HERBERT OOC: I botched.
(Herbert runs his left foot through with a cavalry sabre)

EDDIE OOC: ARE YOU TRYING TO BLACKMAIL YOUR WAY INTO HELL?

GM: How dare you? I didn't attack anyone. Just you.

EDDIE OOC: As a side note, if he's not dead by the time this guy's out, I'm calling dibs.

CARRIE OOC: So that's me, Charlotte, and – what's your name again?
HERBERT OOC: I saved your life, bitch.

CARRIE OOC: Before I leave, I'm going to give a stern lecture to the shivering Chinese downstairs.

CASSIE OOC: Oh, you dick.
HERBERT OOC: I did say I would.
CASSIE OOC: Yeah, and I said all the reasons it was a bad idea.
EDDIE OOC: You did, Cass, but we weren't listenin'.
CASSIE OOC: Pardon?

EDDIE: Don't say 'the decapitated gentleman' in a house where we've just been shooting headless torsos.

EDDIE: I say we just set fire to it and move on.
GM: You set fire to it.
EDDIE OOC: I move on.

CARRIE: Excuse me, Mr Heads?

Deadlands Season Two: Lending a Hand

invisible_fool — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 00:31:32 GMT

With the usual crowd of freaks:

Eddie - Undead cannibal freak
Carrie - Buddhist mostly sane freak
Charlotte - Young bait freak
Cassie - Derp freak

Carrie: Basically, turning skeletal does not effect their creepin' ability in the slightest.

Sherriff: We'll see if we can dig your friend up-
Carrie: Oh, he's not in the ground.

Carrie: Hush now. Not my fault you're evil.

Carrie: You don't seem to be acceptin' responsibility for your demon. Clearly you are not meditatin' hard enough.

Charlotte: I'm a grown woman!
GM: Congratulations. Now your task is to find out if the monster likes grown women.

Charlotte: I might be legal, but no still means no.

(PCs all fail notice rolls)
GM: So, Team Cassie...

Carrie: I don't want any of this manly business, pretending you're too tough to holler, okay?

GM: Eddie, stop tonguing at Charlotte.

(Two of the PCs fail again)
GM: What Carrie sees, having designated herself as the seeing-eye Blessed...

Eddie: I just wanna point out that this is a trap, but we should probably go fall into it.

GM: You're trying to extinguish the stick of dynamite?
Eddie: Well, I'm not trying to fondle the hand.

Eddie: Oh, yeah, I should get out of blast radius.

Eddie OOC: Carrie, you ever notice Charlotte's accent keeps wanderin' over these here United States?

GM: Who's climbing down first?
Eddie OOC: That'll be me.
(Carrie botches)
Eddie OOC: I might hit the floor after she does, though.

(more failed perception rolls)
Carrie OOC: Neither of us are doing well tonight.
Eddie OOC: I miss Cassie.

Eddie OOC: You're being beaten up by the disembodied Three Stooges.

Carrie: You can talk?
Brain: No.
Carrie: Don't get clever with me.
Brain: I don't have many other choices, all I am is a brain.

Carrie: You don't know me very well. No alley needs to be dark when I'm in it.

Brain: Haven't you ever heard of sympathy for the devil?
Carrie: No. I'm a Buddhist.

Brain: You ever murdered someone?
Carrie: Not technically.

NPC: You OK, ma'am?
Carrie: I'm fine. You come with me. We're looking for that head.
NPC: What head?
Carrie: AARGH!

GM: The two of you looking for head, make me Search rolls.

Carrie: Eddie, if any of them are damaged, call me.
Eddie: You mean injured?
Carrie: ...Yes.

GM: THE BACK, SACK AND CRACK BRIGADE!

GM: This might be a person come to leech your bad luck.
Eddie & Carrie: YAAAAY!

GM: I want to make it clear that no Oriental Blessed uses Wax On, Wax Off as a healing mantra.
Eddie: Well, no. It's defensive.

GM: Now, everyone, bask in the sight of Cassie making Cognition rolls! Soon your failures will be put into perspective!

Eddie OOC: I wasn't covered in blood! I stole the guy's shirt!

GM: How do you know?
Carrie: The head said!

Carrie: He mentioned dark alleys.

Eddie: Carrie, it's been my experience as I've travelled this land that when people issue death threats, they ain't concerned with accurate phraseology.
Carrie: Well, maybe they should be!

GM: Oh, and also make me a Cognition roll.
Cassie OOC: I hate you.

Cassie OOC: Well, there goes Plan A.
Eddie OOC: You have a Plan B?
Cassie OOC: No, but if I can find some rope I may have a Plan C.

(on whether penicillin can exist yet)
Cassie OOC: It's Deadlands, dude. Springheeled Jack exists. They can have anything.
Eddie OOC: You're right. Springheeled Jack could totally invent penicillin.

Eddie OOC: Can we move on from Raj having sex with a disembodied hand?

Cassie: It's more a question of finding a way to get over his walls without being seen.
Eddie OOC: A stealth ladder!
Cassie OOC: ...We need one of those, Eddie.
Eddie OOC: I'll get right on that, Cass.

Cassie: Carrie! Carrie! Do not do this! This is not sneaky!
Carrie: ...Shush.

GM: If you're male it's hard to find a place where you can't urinate.

GM: Yes, it's one of those special walled compounds with no door.

GM: Some people deserve all the bullets to the face they get.

Eddie: And as you know, we totally trust Cassie's perception.

Eddie OOC: (hands Cassie's player the jar of damage-marking paperclips) You may need this in a moment.
Cassie OOC: (sighs, takes jar) Your confidence in me is overwhelming.

GM: What would people like to do?
Eddie OOC: Kill the bad guy, save the world?

Deadlands Season Two: Mission Improbable

invisible_fool — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:06:10 GMT

Eddie: The dead one.
Cassie: The derp one.
Herbert: The English one.
Charlotte: The teenage one.
Carrie: The Buddhist one.
And the residant sane man, Raj, NPC manservant of Herbert.

Herbert OOC: I've discovered a new method of trolling. Hey [Cassie's player's Star Wars PC], make an Alertness check.
Cassie OOC: Shut up.
Eddie OOC: That's not a new method. That's the exact same method with different names.

Herbert: Queenie's my elephant gun.
GM: Bessie is your elephant gun! Why do I have to remind you what your inanimate objects are called?

Eddie OOC: Herbert, stop smothering the other players.

Eddie: OK, so we need to find this other dead guy, and we need to run down whoever's chopping off heads and hands and using them as puppets.
Cassie: Right.
Eddie: I have no idea how to do either.
Cassie: Let's snoop.

GM as Cassie: I just heard Herbert being racist, Finn being hit by lightning, Bait getting kidnapped, and Carrie screaming about a raven.
Eddie OOC: Must be a day.

Carrie: Everyone, this is my father, whatever his name is.
(party exchange polite greetings.)
Carrie (indicating Charlotte): And this is Carrie...

GM: And as you three derpmobiles leave the laundry...

Eddie OOC: Cass, if that's his penis he needs an operation.
GM: If that's his penis he needs applause.

Eddie: Don't stand there saying 'the chase is on'; CHASE!

(Eddie is scrambling undead-like up the wall)
GM: The Chinese seem surprised.
Herbert: Don't worry, he's a circus performer!
Eddie: I was gonna go with 'Practitioner of an ancient Western martial art!'

GM: Eddie comes down the side of the building like a freaky spider.
Cassie: Meh, seen it.

(After chasing down a dismembered hand)
Carrie: I think we should go to the sherriff and tell him what's happening.
Herbert: Let's give him a hand.
Cassie: I hate you.

GM: What did you say?
Herbert OOC: Never mind!
Eddie OOC: Well, that's you told.

Carrie: Has the head been properly incapacitated?
(Eddie and Cassie exchange speechless glances.)

(A corpse has had its head and hands sewn back on.)
Carrie: I suggest he wears a nice high collar for his funeral.
Carrie: Oh! And gloves.

(Eddie and Cassie are picking people for their investigative teams)
Eddie: Carrie can probably pass as a native on accounta being a native, so I'll take her.
Cassie: Aww, you picked the only good one.

GM: I would like you OC to name your teams.
Eddie (immediately): Team Not-Derp.

GM: So you go down the right path, which might or might not be the right path.
Eddie: Ahhh!

Herbert: I would say this area would get a C, possibly a C-.
Cassie: What does that actually mean in real people talk?

GM: THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO IT. THAT'S NOT A REAL SENTENCE.

Cassie: That might work.
Herbert: It probably won't.
Cassie: I'm really glad to see that kinda confidence in your plan.

Eddie OOC: How many of you people are on crack, exactly?
(Charlotte raises her hand)
Cassie OOC: So, the fifteen-year-old, then.

Cassie OOC: We're professional!
Eddie OOC: WHEN?
Cassie OOC: Sometimes.
Charlotte OOC: So are hookers!
Carrie OOC: Did you just say you're a hooker?

Cassie OOC: You're not creating fusion power by getting hookers sleeping together.

Herbert: Will you be humming the Mission Impossible theme?
(Cassie starts humming the James Bond theme)

Carrie (as Herbert): Raj? Can I come back now? I don't like the nasty girls!

(the GM calls for a Smarts roll)
Eddie OOC: Smrts!
Charlotte OOC: Smrts!
Eddie OOC: Roll Smurfs!

Herbert (loudly): Mission successful, then?
Eddie & Cassie (shouting): KEEP YER VOICE DOWN!

Herbert: Don't tell me you've never heard of Robin Hood.
Cassie: OK, then, I won't.

Eddie: You don't, unless you're into gay sex.
Carrie: I think it's funny.
Everyone else: …?

Herbert OOC: [GM], you're being mean to us!
Eddie OOC: IT'S A HORROR GAME!

Carrie's dead grandmother (long story): RUN.
Carrie: Which way?
C's D G-M: AWAY.
Carrie: That's not very helpful!
C's D G-M: LESS TALKING, MORE RUNNING.

Carrie OOC, to Charlotte: If you get kidnapped while I am being chased by hands and heads I will not be happy.
Cassie OOC(deadpan): I will be so angry with you.
Carrie OOC: Well, I'll be disappointed.

Charlotte OOC: Why do I get the giant sperm?
Eddie OOC: Because you're fifteen.

(Carrie and Eddie talk to an animated hand, which shrugs)
Eddie: What's really neat is it did that with invisible shoulders.

Eddie: Can we not play charades with a zombified hand?

Carrie: Are you gonna try to eat people if we let you out? ...Are you lying to me?

Carrie: Oh, God, thank you. I mean, Buddha.

(hand starts mocking Eddie)
Eddie: Look, I don't give you grief about YOUR weird ideas.

Eddie OOC: Hey, [GM], would you class Carrie as a heavy load or a medium?
Carrie OOC: Are you asking if I'm fat?

(One OC hour after they split up)
Eddie: Say, Carrie. You any idea where Charlotte's got to?

Eddie: Shoot it.
Charlotte: No, it's gonna cause a noise.
Eddie: Shoot it with a knife.

Eddie OOC: Oh, that's why we're not having problems. They're eating Charlotte!... Aw. I wanted to do that.

Eddie: TALK TO THE HAND, CARRIE!

Eddie: Charlotte, you alright?
(Charlotte panics)
Eddie: Oh, were you hidin'? Sorry...

Charlotte: How can the hand hear us?
Eddie: Charlotte, you have travelled with us for some time. Do you think either of us has a chance of answering that question?
Charlotte: I live in perpetual hope.

Deadlands Season Two: CSI Sheng Fu

invisible_fool — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:00:52 GMT

The Cast of the Dumb:

Eddie: Undead chaser of hands.
Cassie: Agent with the scary boss.
Charlotte: Groper of dead bodies.
Herbert: British gentlemen with disturbing eating habits and manservant named Raj.
Carrie: Buddhist nurse who may be in bad company.
GM: I feel inspiration. I think the Pinkerton's getting buried alive.
Eddie OOC: Pfft. I've been buried alive. Well, no, I haven't.

GM: Your parents were murdered by a monster, Charlotte. About your size, looking like you... named Charlotte.
Eddie OOC: I had a really good disguise that week.

GM: Women and men are displaying wares-
Charlotte OOC: Are they hanging out of the windows?
Carrie OOC: Parts of them are.

GM: The Whately family tree isn't known for fucking!
Eddie OOC: Uh, by definition....

Herbert: Bellorophon will not go down easy!
Cassie OOC: Ewww...
Herbert OOC: I didn't mean it that way!
Eddie OOC: So he DOES go down easy?

(on hearing about Chinese gang structure)
Eddie: I like big boss and I cannot lie.
Charlotte: His big brothers can't deny him?

(we have discovered a headless, handless body)
GM: We're missing Johnny Two-Hands.
Carrie: Well... not anymore.

Carrie: You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Eddie?
Eddie: Well, not about this.

Cassie OOC: Oh, God, it's the derp brigade going to meet Carrie's family.

Herbert: Should we get them a gift?
Eddie: An engraving of a raven?
Herbert: I was thinking of a stuffed raven.
Eddie: Hey, it's just our culture kills our gods.
Cassie: What would be an appropriate gift?
Carrie: Blah.
Herbert OOC: Please accept this bra!

Cassie: I'm whupping you!
Herbert: You're going to spank her, are you?

Eddie OOC: Cassie, in case you haven't noticed, you'll smother yourself.

GM: That's more like a flogging than a spanking, you do realise this?
Carrie OOC: She's an adult, she can handle it?

Herbert: No, we were just beaten by our teachers.
Cassie: Why?
Herbert: No idea.
Eddie: They didn't teach you to have an inquiring mind, did they?

Eddie: Charlotte, I want you to tell me why you're in there, and we've got lawmen stood behind me so I hope it's good.

Eddie OOC: No, I'm mostly checking so we don't panic and shoot Charlotte in the face.

Eddie: You just had a severed head roll out and bite someone. That ain't natural.
Cassie OOC: You're reclaiming your catchphrase?
Eddie OOC: Damn right, I'm taking it back for us dead guys.

Carrie: Who got promoted?
Eddie: Earp.
(pause)
Eddie: I'm not burpin', that's yer answer.

Eddie OOC: Again, I'm not gonna eat a dead body! That's defamation of character!

Sheriff: I find out who this is, I'm gonna pull their face off and shove it up their ass.
Eddie: I like this feller's approach to the law.

Eddie OOC (to Herbert): Lie back an' think o' your sovereign, Vicky or whatever her name was.

Cassie OOC (also to Herbert): Just FYI, birthday suit.
Carrie OOC: There should be a roll for that.

Eddie OOC: Don't worry, this isn't gonna give anyone any trouble unless they pry it from my cold dead hand.

GM: That's not too bad, it's a wound to each leg... by which I mean the fat Chinaman you landed on.
Eddie OOC: Thanks, Each Leg!

GM: Herbert is not a disadvantage. Except for Raj.

Cassie: Fuck, man, I hang around with a Harrowed and your eating habits disturb me more!

Eddie: Hell of a job you have, Raj.
Raj: ...No, I'm not going to argue with that.

Herbert: Assuming, of course, you want us to come along.
Carrie: You are still welcome. Ish.

Eddie OOC: I point silently at Raj.
GM: Raj is silent.

Cassie: And this is one of those big guns, a Gatling kinda thing.
Eddie: Good job William isn't here, or the table'd be slanted by now.

GM: Now I'm tempted to have the severed hands leave strangled cats hanging outside your window...
Eddie OOC: Oh, it's on!

Eddie: We're going to talk to, um... whichever one we're going to talk to?
Cassie: Thin Noodle!
Eddie OOC: We're going to talk to Tiny Penis!

GM: When you take my puns from me I take your penis from you!

Herbert OOC: Smoochy smooch?
Eddie & Cassie OOC: Shut the fuck up, Herbert!

GM: It's remarkable how time spent with any of the party makes you miss the others.
Cassie OOC: Not really.

Eddie OOC: Congratulations. Your botch has turned you racist.

Deadlands Season Two: Running Away and Buggering Off

invisible_fool — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 01:31:18 GMT

The Cast of the Dumb:

Eddie: Zombie Spiderman.
Cassie: Agent Derp.
Charlotte: Trainee nurse (or so she says)
Herbert: Official British Person.
Carrie: Official Buddist Person

GM: Will nine inches do you?
Herbert OOC: Can I look at the menu? I might need the twelve.
Cassie OOC: And apparently it's garlicky, which I didn't really need to know.
GM: HE ASKED FOR THE SIZE, NOT THE FLAVOURING!

GM (to Herbert's player): Did you just facepalm into the teapot?

Charlotte OOC: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM!
Eddie OOC: I do have something in common with her, though. We're both dead.

Cassie OOC: Don't adjust your pants when you're talking about vengeance.

Cassie OOC: I think I just called his queen a vagina.
GM: Victoria, but close enough.

Cassie OOC: Ahh – we know what Raj is doing now! He's the sex guru!

GM: The people who are shot are you and you, shooting you in the legs.
Cassie: Bollocks!
Eddie OOC: No – legs!

GM: What sort of penises are you using? Goddamn, man!

Cassie: YOU PUT BUDDHA IN A BAG?

Carrie: Buddha forgave me, why can't you?
Charlotte: Because I'm not a raven.
Carrie: BUDDHA IS NOT A RAVEN!

GM: Make a cognition roll.
Cassie OOC: Why do you keep saying that? Why don't you just let me die in peace?

Cassie (to her dice): Arrgh! Stop being good!

Cassie: Eddie, why am I even in this group?

Carrie: THEY HAVE NO STYLE!

Eddie OOC: I'd completely forgotten I had this power. I used it once to troll you, and then forgot I had it.

(discussing rope skills)
Eddie OOC: Can I use tale-tellin? It's all about spinning yarns!

Eddie OOC: I don't wanna untie the Indian, I'm carrying him for lunch!

Eddie OOC: So you're suggesting that Englishness is genetically dominant?

GM: ...stomping a squirrel to death.

Charlotte: And they certainly don't practice cannibalism.
Eddie: What's wrong with cannibals, exactly?

Herbert: To our health and continued escapades.
Cassie: To escapin' alive.
Eddie: To escapin' alive... wait.

(as GM holds up new sourcebook)
Cassie OOC: Why're two demons fucking on the cover?
Eddie OOC: Because mummy demon and daddy demon love each other very much...

Eddie OOC: If you have to ask the gender, you've already failed.

GM: Employment?
Herbert: Ah, yes. Member of the Explorer's Society.
Eddie (as GM): No visible means of support...

(Eddie is asked to check in an Indian)
Eddie: Name's Buddha.
GM: Age?
Eddie: What you reckon?
GM: Dead?
Eddie: Close enough.
GM: Occupation?
Eddie: He's a wise man.

GM: I DON'T NEED TO KNOW LEVELS OF NUDITY!

GM: Raj settles down for a good night's hate.

Carrie: I do wonder what heresy means.
Cassie: I'd keep quiet about the whole 'Buddha' thing.
Carrie: But he's sleeping in the next room!

GM: You sleep unpleasantly, but sort of like babies.
(Eddie drools)

Cassie (describing her night): Snore snore snore scream snore scream wake up.

Eddie: Has anyone checked on Buddha?
(party looks at each other, then as one runs upstairs)

Eddie: It's a pleasure to see you again... Buddha. (winks)
"Buddha": *Deathglare*

(another failed Cognition check for Cassie)
Eddie: There's a rat following us.
Cassie OOC: Now you've said that, I still can't see it.

GM: So you want everything in Deadlands to be easy?
Cassie OO: Apart from Cassie, fine!

Illuminati: In Nuclear Wessels, Orbiting

bodybag_pilgrim — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 04:09:56 GMT

That cast again:

Jack Fitzwarren, Hitman Jesus
'Nero', parallel-world imported superhuman
Elspeth Harringdon, Countess of Monte Cristo Redentor and occasional cross-dresser as Alfred Pennyworth
Sir Rich Bastard, rich bastard
Declan Orwell, waiter and high priest of Gordon Rameses
Many, alien gestalt teleporting craziness
Junsui, magical schoolgirl doing NaNoWriMo
Mary Rosenberg, assassnun

“Right. I alt-tab to porn.”

“Well, it's probably got something to do with Gloucestershire...”

“...and the scent of pure incest in the air...”

“You mean he's Gordon Fucking Rameses?”

“I am, by the way, snacking on lamb. I'm usually eating lamb. Fuck lamb.”

“M'sieu must be warned that the Chocolate Death Bon-Bon is, ahh... slightly radioactive, but well within limits for daily doses.”

“I'll have the Slippery Nipple.”
“Would Madame like the one or the two?”

“Take a seat. What makes you think I'm Jesus?”
“I like the cut of your jib.”

“Cowmouflage?”

“I close my eyes and it probably brushes me in the wind.”
“You dirty fucker.”

“Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to see a man about... Isaac Newton's left testicle, apparently.”
“Annnd we cut to the roof.”

NINJA-OFF!

“Groin.”
“I'll reinforce that, yeah.”
“You're reinforcing the groin?”

“<So you speak Middle Egyptian?>”
“Que?”
“Ah. Google Translate, right?”

“By the way. How are you with the title of High Priest?”
“I don't know what it entails, but-”
“Well, you just did a fucking good job of it!”
“Ah. Then I guess I can keep Googling.”

“Can you skip ahead to the exciting bit? Well, I say the exciting bit. The bollock-kicking.”

“Ah, no! I don't bend that way! I'm middle class!”

“The jar is left slightly ajar.”

“...Wang wasn't the right word. I didn't mean for that to come out of my mouth just then.”

“Your code name needs to be something like Deep Throat, but dirtier.”
“...Double Anal.”

“To be fair, given this is Jesus, he probably thinks the Sodomizer is for destroying unruly villages.”

“Why am I still doing the voice? I've hung up the phone!”

“Because geniuses are crazy and love the moon. Da Vinci once fucked it!”

“So in my universe, there was an Aperture Science lab in the middle of London?”
“And that's why nobody goes to London anymore.”

“Shit be fucked up, yo.”
“...Yeah."

“People enter the Portal tests voluntarily?”

“...quite clearly a balls-out character-”
“Oh, yeah, here are your trousers.”

“My old buddy Captain Arsenic!”

“NaNoWriMo!”
“...You were speaking Japanese earlier, what'd she just say?”

“I don't make it my business, but yes, I kill people.”
“Oh, you should. It's pretty profitable.”
“Oh, well, in that case, yes.”

“The priests are all dead. All of them.”
“Even the younglings?”
“Even the younglings.”

“That really, really puts that washing up I need to do in perspective.”

“I need to do more origami.”

Deadlands Season Two: Village of the Dumb

invisible_fool — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 23:53:22 GMT

The Cast of the Dumb:

EDDIE: The crazy zombie
CASSIE: The crazy agent
CHARLOTTE: The crazy teenager
HERBERT: The crazy englishman
CARRIE: The crazy Buddhist.

EDDIE OOC: Hey, Cass, when you say 'I don't wanna' is the second half of the sentence 'make a Cognition roll'?
CASSIE OOC: Screw you, Eddie!
EDDIE: How you doin', Cass?
CASSIE: Who said that?

EDDIE: Herbert?
HERBERT: Indeed, sir.
EDDIE: Goddammit, that means this isn't heaven!

HERBERT: What are you in here for?
EDDIE: ...Apparently I'm not dead.
HERBERT: Well, that would help with your delusions.
EDDIE: Wait, you think I AM dead?
HERBERT: Well, that was never sure, was it?
EDDIE: It bloody was!
HERBERT: Do you think they'll serve breakfast soon?
EDDIE: Well, I can't get a swan.
HERBERT: Your dietary requirements are unusual, Eddie.
EDDIE: Hey, loadsa people eat swans!

CHARLOTTE: Why are we in a nuthouse?
CARRIE: I think we were havin' bad dreams?
CHARLOTTE: We always have bad dreams!
CARRIE: In hindsight this does make a lot less sense.

EDDIE OOC: GODDAMN PORRIDGE AGAIN? WHERE'S MY BABY?

EDDIE: To be fair, I reckon if I ended up in a nuthouse, Cass would also end up in a nuthouse.

EDDIE: He's a limey!
HERBERT: ENGLAND.
EDDIE: Yeah, sorry. He's a England.

EDDIE: I'm gonna try this guided meditation stuff Carrie was teaching me and see if it makes me sane.

CARRIE: Did a guy come in with a hole in his chest? And a disgusting appetite?
CASSIE: WHY ARE YOU MENTIONING THAT?
CARRIE: It's a distinguishing feature!

CASSIE: What about Finn Kelly?
EDDIE OOC: What about Fat Kelly?

CARRIE: Buddha is not a raven! How many times do I have to go through this?

GM: It seems like the porridge is making you less hungry.
EDDIE: I look forlornly out at the geese.

CASSIE: MEXICO IS NOT A DELUSION!

EDDIE: Oh, I'd never rant about the walking dead.

EDDIE: Hey, Herbert, I think I know where we are, but I need some information before I know for sure. ARE YOU NAKED?

EDDIE: I'm not gonna shoot myself in the foot until I can eat my geese!

EDDIE (moments later): OH FUCK I SHOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT!

EDDIE: No, I don't think it's Buddha, it's a raven. Budda's fatter than that.

EDDIE: Can we focus on the fact that I was dead at the time?

EDDIE: You have a bloodier appetite than I do!
HERBERT: Well, of course, I'm British.

EDDIE: ...The fuck you talkin' 'bout, Willis?

EDDIE: I'm not giving him the Heisenberg manoeuvre! ...Well, I dunno, actually, it might be.

CASSIE: What's happening, oh GM? Make them shut up!

GM: You hear steps coming along...
EDDIE: Steps? What are they singing?

GM: How does Charlotte look now? Without-
EDDIE: Boobs?
GM: WITHOUT MENTIONING BOOBS! I NEED TO TALK FASTER!

CASSIE: DO NOT EXAMINE YOUR BOOBS IN FRONT OF THE ORDERLIES!

CASSIE: Eddie, we're in the crazy place. Stop talkin' crazy.
EDDIE: Cass, I've been dead three years. I don't know how to not.
CASSIE: Not! Helping! Eddie!

EDDIE: Anyone here think Herb needs psychiatric help?
(all the ladies put their hands up)

CARRIE: Oh, Queen Victoria. She's your lady-friend, right?
HERBERT: She's my sovereign!
CARRIE: That is a lovely way of speakin' of her. You are a gennelman.

HERBERT: Queen Victoria is not my ladyfriend, she's my sovereign.
CASSIE: Isn't that a coin?
HERBERT: Well, yes-
EDDIE: What, your ladyfriend you call a coin? She a negotiable ladyfriend?

HERBERT: I'd feel a lot better with a cup of tea, my lady.
EDDIE: Careful, he'll be callin' you a sovereign in a minute.

HERBERT: Well, I'm glad Her Majesty's-
CARRIE: She said don't mention the queen!

EDDIE (to a psychiatrist): Doc, your story doesn't hold water.

EDDIE: Doc, you honestly think I'm gonna go round rippin' people's throats out wi' my teeth?

CASSIE (to an invisible Native American): Um... are you in here 'cause you've been deludin' stuff?

EDDIE OOC: In yesses and noes of one syllable, what the fuck is going on here?

GM: ...your cup size.
CASSIE: I DON'T HAVE A CUP!

CARRIE: Wait, that means somewhere else we ARE naked!

(Cassie hits herself in the back of the hand with an axe given by the invisible Native American)
CASSIE: OK, so it's real.

CASSIE: So how do I commit suicide with a tomahawk?
(Cassie is promptly hit axed in the head by the invisible Native American)

(Upon waking up with Cassie in a room where the other PCs are laid out on the floor)
EDDIE: Right. Which of 'em do we do first? I vote Charlotte.

HERBERT: Could we surreptitiously kill her?

CHARLOTTE: They set fire to me!
CARRIE: They're not Buddhists.

GM: You also don't have a tomahawk embedded in your skull.
CASSIE: Yeah, that's a plus.

Illuminati: Industrious Ninjas With Owls

bodybag_pilgrim — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:05:41 GMT

Episode two, and we still make no sense.

Junsui, still a Japanese magical schoolgirl
Many, still a gestalt entity from outer space
Jack Fitzwarren, still Jesus the hitman
Elspeth Harrington, still the Countess of Monte Cristo Redentor
Sister Mary, still an assassin nun
Sir Rich Bastard, still a bastard
Declan Orwell, still inexplicably waking up in a Gloucestershire cafe

“I woke up in a coffin surrounded by McDonalds food, holding a McFlurry, and talking to the Pope.”
“Yeah, sounds like Tuesday.”

“Yeah, I think I'm just gonna leave my head in the massage table.”

(Sister Mary racks up d6 Angry stress)
“So, Sister Banner...”

“No OBVIOUS ninjas...”

“I think you'll find that's the Big-Balled Bastard helicopter.”

“Their number plates are EZ10, PEN15, and ID10T.”

“What kind of owl are you going to be?”
“Purple.”

“OK, put together a stare-down-ninjas roll for me.”

“Hang on, is that Gordon Ramsay?”
“Yeah... yeah, he's my boss.”
“I'm putting this on facebook!”

“Has Gordon Ramsay just hijacked his kitchen?”

“From Gloucestershire to Stalybridge?”
“Worst movie ever.”

“When did that owl sanctuary happen?”

“After the owl sanctuary, I'm probably your best tourist attraction.”

“In through the door I go, and I... stare... at some owls...”

“To be fair, it only looks like the purple owl is staring at you because you happen to be standing behind the invisible ninja he's actually staring at.”

“Are you actually the purple owl?”
“Oh, yeah.”

“Would you be stressed by an owl absorbing food with its hand?”
“YES!”

“It appears to be an owl that believes itself to be a parrot.”

“Would Polly like a biscuit?”
“You bet your ass Polly would like a biscuit!”

“WHERE'S MAH GOD-DAMN CRACKER?”

“I then go 'It's not going to work, you know and chuckle to myself'.”

“Hurr hurr... privy.”
“Thank you, Mr Ramsay.”

“I hate people like that.”
“You are people like that.”
“I'm allowed! Rich Bastard!”
“You are a loud rich bastard.”

“Lady Gaga and her Huge Horsey Helpers...”

“That's going to mean stigmata in your feet.”
“I knew I shoulda worn shoes.”

“You've been singing about a friend of mine. Judas.”
“Oh, for a second there I thought you meant Alejandro.”
“Fuck that guy.”

“Is that your owl?”

“No, it belongs to a small Japanese schoolgirl.”
“Have you heard of the Illuminati?”
“No.”
“Have you heard of the Ancient and Illuminated Order?”
“No.”
“Have you heard of the Ancient and Illuminated Order of Chefs?”
“That's a bit more familiar.”
“So you've heard of chefs.”

“FissionWolf!”

“I think it's time to chase down Gordon Fucking Ramsay.”

“Jesus has just been shot in the kneecap by Lady Gaga, who is a werewolf.”
“I did ask her to.”

“Pope Bacon I...”

“Uhhh... yeah, I don't have any gender.”

“Somebody's wanting to – I'm not sure how to word it. Your brain doesn't work like this often.”

“That just looks like Tommy Cooper without a fez.”
“Maybe it's Tommy Cooper, except he's dead.”
“Maybe they brought him back.”
“Those bastards!”

“You've got two packages, slightly ticking, I put 'em in the garage and they haven't exploded yet... a letter arrived pinned to the door by a ninja death star but I don't read Japanese, so, y'know...”

“I had a ninja try to break in earlier, but he brought six of his mates so he was kind of shit.”

“How come you're a complete bastard to everyone but Bob?”
“Bob kills ninjas for him.”

“There's a stone altar there with a body ripped open and its heart missing on it.”
“TOMMY COOPER!”

“Jacques, I've told you before, you can't see that shit, you failed at chef school!”

“It's almost like you locked her away in Brazil's major national landmark.”
“...It's in Rio!”
“And Rio is in Brazil.”

“You'd be surprised how many clans of ninjas with ancient grudges against the world there are.”
“Seventy-four and a quarter.”

Illuminati: It's Not Wrong, Oppenheimer

bodybag_pilgrim — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:48:55 GMT

Title refers to the episode title for this show pilot. We're running Smallville in a universe where all conspiracies are true, if often slightly twisted. (It was revealed, for example, that the Illuminati are genetically engineered by Godzilla.)

Quotes cannot be attributed due to level of chaos. Also, the sheer level of heresy in this means it may not be recommended for all faithful.

Characters:

Sister Mary Rosenberg - Catholic nun, assassin for the Vatican, and descendant of Jesus Christ
Junsui Kurokawa - Japanese magical schoolgirl, defender of Tokyo, and empowered by the same odd chemical that fuels Jesus Christ
Elspeth Harrington - wealthy woman crossdressing as Sir Rich Bastard's butler, nicknamed the Countess of Monte Cristo Redentor after he conspired with her father, an embarrassed priest, to lock her away in said sculpture early in her life.
Jack Fitzwarren - Mafia hitman, operative of the J.U.D.A.S. Foundation, childhood friend of the man masquerading as the Pope, and secretly actually Jesus Christ. I swear it made sense at the time
Sir Rich Bastard - owns large chunks of the world. Rich. Bastard.
Stuart Innes - Kid's TV show host with aspirations of total power, son of the man masquerading as the Pope.
Many - gestalt alien entity who takes on characteristics of whoever he's been near recently, discovered and raised in part by the man masquerading as the Pope.
Declan Orwell - a waiter. No seriously, that's it.

“Slartibartfast, this is Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay, this is Bartfast. Now cook!

Ah, Johnny Derp!

Junsui is talking Japanese.
You're talking Japanese?
I'm really talking Japanese.
We think so.

By the way, that weird buzzing sound? That's Godzilla, grumbling. He grumbles a little, but doesn't get subtitled.

That gets subtitled. It reads 'I don't know why but I have the weirdest boner right now.'

So, invasion today at... 2?

...and presumably it all gets a little bit hentai.

Yes, Godzilla is quite careful not to fall through occupied buildings.

This is the man we were told was sleeping with the fishes. He is underwater, and-
-fucking a squid.

So, are you kicking this guy in the bollocks?

He's made it his life's goal to kick other kids' presenters in the balls...
I am SO tuning in to Blue Peter next week.

Zoom out, and Andre the Giant is holding a goose and squeezing it to make it honk like a car.

Bear in mind I'm in my London home, at Oxford University.

What do rich people normally drink?
Pint of vodka.
Shaken, not stirred.
Blood of a virgin.

I can't stand up right now, my legs are made of water.

By the way, in the back of shot you can see me getting into the cop's car and driving off.

Because I'm a small panda...

Do you fit in a blender?

Is he crazy?
No, just European.

You might want to construct a roll for not being run down by a car.

Have the Illuminati been after the Holy Grail recently?
Well, it's either you guys or the Vatican...

Don't use discount ninjas, they've been fed to my pitbulls.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this discount ninja thing. I know it's one of you. Goodbye, mother.

If you wish to wake up in the arms of Andre the Giant, feel free.

Wallace Shawn, with a tranquiliser rifle, fires a tranquiliser dart into your bum. Point blank.

I always wanted to be famous. I'm carrying a large briefcase.

Sing 'Brick in the Wall' but change it to 'Kick in the Balls'.

You can Stress Simon Cowell Out with another kick to the balls.

Dirk Machismo walks on, pats you on the shoulders, kicks Simon Cowell in the head, and walks off again.

The Pope looks at you and smiles. 'Welcome, my son. Have a Big Mac.'”

Scales of War: tibbit yoink!

joiedecombat — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 15:52:18 GMT

Cast of characters, as per usual:
Chess, wizard (and certified badass)
Clare, paladin
Dhugan, dwarf avenger (and also certified badass)
Macsen, kalashtar bard
Nefarrash, genasi swordmage
Nod, tibbit rogue (and certified mad genius)
Thergard, Dhugan's cousin
Tusk: Basically the boss of this leg of the campaign, a half-orc/half-ogre leading an army of orcs to try to conquer the valley the game has thus far been set in.

A little background here: the party's objective for this part of the campaign has been to seal off Tusk's routes into the valley, which in this case means flooding a cave system with boiling water by use of a mechanism built by dwarves for that purpose. We ended the last session in a very bad position by not getting to the controls fast enough, giving Tusk and his minions time to show up and block the walkway to the controls before anyone but Nod had gotten up to them (not to mention having already been through several encounters that day, so that most of the party was no longer at full capacity).

The DM, recapping: "Tusk is here. He told Dhugan his father died like a prissy bitch."

Clare's player: "Yeah we are possibly boned."
Nod's player: "Alternately, someone take my rope and tie Dhugan up."
Clare's player: "Still an option if we hurry!"

Nod's player: "I want a TPK for my birthday!"
The DM: "It's not your birthday."

Nefarrash's player: "Fff, what are dwarves good for if not shielding me from opportunity attacks?! Jeez."

Nefarrash's player: "Earthbound Vortex. Oh wait, I'm not my own ally, am I?"
The DM: "Nope."
Nefarrash's player: "That is the most retarded rule ever."
Nod's player: "Well, the problem is adventurers are self-loathing."

NPC bad guy: "Oh, Tusk. You brought me adventurers for my birthday! How sweet!"
Chess: "It's your birthday? How silly of me, then, not ..."
[sets several orcs behind her on fire]
"...to have brought..."
[activates flaming armor]
"...the candles."
[blows Tusk right off the walkway with a thunderclap]
"Here's your present. Run now, and you might get to see your next birthday."

After taking an OA, which caused the minion who dealt it to be immolated by her flaming armor:
Chess's player: "And with that, she turns and strides away, passing Thergard and Nefarrash to come up beside the bloodied raider. At whom she simply -- still burning -- smiles."

Nefarrash's player: "Now Nef instantly has a crush on Chess. She's on fire and badass, she is suddenly a woman after his own heart! Molten and made of melted rock as it is."

The DM: "Myrissa curses Chess."
Nod's player: "Hey I know what she is! ...A potty mouth!"

The DM: "Nice job."
Chess's player: "Chess earns her spite, dammit!"

As Dhugan's player contemplates flinging himself off the walkway after Tusk:
Nod's player: "We've had a lot of success in this group, historically, with falling strikers."

And it works!
The DM: "...Tusk is bloodied. You guys just bloodied a fucking Elite in one turn."
Nod's player: "That was badass, man."
Nefarrash's player: "Pissed off dwarf is pissed off."
Chess's player: "Do not insult Dhugan's father."

Nefarrash: "Moradin will have your souls. And with every moment of the rest of eternity he will carve the entire passage of Dhugan's lineage into every inch of your very essence. Know who is responsible for your end. The Blackened Company has come."

Dhugan's player: "I... don't think I have anything to use on the minor?"
Nefarrash's player: "Moon him with your minor."
Clare's player: "Rude gesture!"

Dhugan: "Oi, lovely thing like you shouldn't go running off on a man. Anyone ever tell you, you hit like a pussy?"
Nod's player: "Nod would take great umbrage to the 'hit like a pussy' remark if he could hear it."

Nod's player: "I wish I had more rope. But that's a cat's dream."
Chess's player: "We have Nef and Thergard and one rope. Conveniently, I have rope. Is it possible to secure another rope without interfering with climbers up the first one?"
The DM: "Yes you can."
Chess's player: "Cat's dream, granted!"
Nod's player: "Remind me to have Nod to dream of scantily-clad dancing girls instead of rope next time."

Dhugan continues to tank the two Elites alone while the rest of us make for the main objective:
Nod: "What was that about Dhugan? Where is he, anyways?"
Nefarrash: "Dhugan is running very hard to catch up for an invitation to Moradin's table, to which he is evidently very late. I think I he is attempting to take Tusk as his Guest of Honor."

Clare's player: "'Dhugan's on his way to the great ale keg in the sky, honey.'"

Nefarrash's player: "Whoa, how did that sergeant get there?"
Nod's player: "Orc magic." [stage whisper] "They use their feet for magic."

Nod's player: "I'm going to propose an Acrobatic Stunt. Tell me if it would work? One: Untie my rope. Lasso the turbine. Use its spin to propel me out to Dhugan. Get Dhugan. Two: [shrug?] Three: Profit."
Clare's player: "...Chess, tell me you have a sack prepared."

Chess's player: "TIBBIT YOINK!"

Dhugan's player: "Nod wants to fly around like an astronaut in the barf chamber. Whipwhipwhipwhipwhip."

Nod, gearing up for insanity: "If I... screw it. Last words are for people who are going to die. I'm living; we all are."

The DM decided to allow Nod to try it via a series of hard DC skill checks. Which he passed. With a 20 on the crucial one.
The DM: "What the fuck. How did you even."
Nod's player: "I used to practice roping dwarves, growing up in their city."

Clare's player: "I want a picture. Of the look on Tusk's face."

After Nod passed the last check:
The DM: "So. ... I reiterate. What the fuck!"

Nod, to Dhugan: "I'm the crazy one. Pull something like that again, and I will cut you. [to the rest of the party] Next time he does something like that, tell me sooner!"

Chess tries to work the controls:
Chess's player: "... it's dwarven; she thumps the control with a fist."
(It worked.)

Dhugan's player: "Dhugan... is going to move a little and then contemplate... life."

Clare's player: "And now I will attempt to not become paladin soup."
Nod's player: "Mmm paladin soup. Light on calories."

The DM: "Clare makes it half her remaining speed up the rope. Which in this case means she's about to have water juuuuuuust under her shapely ass when the water level rises."
Clare's player: "...because a session is not complete without someone mentioning Clare's ass, apparently."

The DM: "I have no idea how Macsen will get up. But I'll let you guys figure that out!"
Nod's player: "Dammit am I gonna have to spin out there and get a bard now?"

Nefarrash's player: "I was gonna say, if he attacks Clare and I teleport him to attack me instead that'd work but if we don't have to take damage that'd be amazing."
Nod's player: "Would copping a feel of Clare's ass count as an attack?"

Nefarrash: "Moradin, your tools may be unconventional... but bless you, a thousand years later they still work. ... Macsen. I understand the view of Lady Clare is currently favorable, but I do hope you will forgive me if I do not allow you to boil yourself to death over it."

The DM: "You guys are now pretty much out, assuming Clare makes one more Athletics check. Roll it please."
Nod's player: "...and she'll roll a 1, for hilarity."
[She rolls a 2.]
Nod's player: "...what did I tell you."
The DM: "You have another move left to try again if you like."
Clare's player: "No I think I'll just boil."

Nod's player: "We got out with only one casualty. Poor Ropey. He was on the verge of retirement, you know. Just three days."

Nod's player: "Okay people. I need a new name for Nod to commemorate this epic act. If that isn't deserving of one, I don't know what is"
The DM: "Airborne."
Nod's player: "Nod Airborne? Nice but doesn't really sound like a name, does it?"
Nefarrash's player: "Nod Dwarfsavior? Nod Dwarflinger?"
Nod's player: "Boy would either of those ever get him in trouble back at Belias Girn."
Clare's player: "Nod Whiplash!"

The DM: "Also, just for the record: You guys made one of the worst tactical decisions ever last session. And I thought you were going to wipe. I am utterly stunned that not only did you all go home, but you did it with style."
Nod's player: "The Blackened Company: From failure, victory."

Afterwards, summing up for someone who wasn't there:
Chess's player: "Basically the party has been trading off Epic."
Clare's player: "The mage set everything on fire and knocked the boss off a ledge. And then the dwarf avenger took a flying leap off the ledge onto the boss. And proceeded to tank him alone for several rounds."
Chess's player: "And nearly kill him solo. While being beat on by both the boss and the boss's girlfriend."
Clare's player: "While the rest of us continued with the main objective of flooding the place to stop an invasion and were punched-muppet-facing preparing to leave him for dead."
The DM: "Guys. Here's the part Dhugan doesn't know: ...Tusk was at two hit points."
Clare's player: "We haven't even gotten to the best part yet, though... Because this is when the little cat shapeshifter rogue decided to lasso a spinning turbine and use the momentum to swing all the way around the room, grab Dhugan, snatch him and his 1 hp right out from under the boss, and land them both back up on the platform. And actually pulled it off."
Chess's player: "In the last, you know, point-three seconds before the flooding mechanism worked and the area of the combat suddenly became ten feet deep in boiling water."

Chess's player: "Apparently we saved the game's entire effects budget for this session."

Scales of War: Blackened Company vs. enormous orc douches

joiedecombat — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 14:43:29 GMT

Chess, wizard
Clare, paladin
Dhugan, avenger
Nefarrash, swordmage (also temporarily playing the role of Macsen, bard)
Nod, rogue

Nod's player: "Basically, Nod should hit any buttons he finds and turn any valves or pull all levers."
Chess's player: "Keep Nod in a securely tied bag, check."

Nod's player: "Nod looks up at the big doors, wondering for a moment why dwarves always build tall doors despite being so short. Did they expect tall visitors? Did they assume that, one day, a group of rag-tag misfits would have to travel through their tunnels and flush out an orc invasion? If so, they were pretty forward thinking."

Nod's player: "Nod should probably be thinking about the plan. Despite his question, Nod hadn't really paid a lot of attention to Macsen's explanation. 'Push pull turn all the things!' was the major point he took away from it."

Nod's player: "To my fellow players: there is now a pixie race. So, if you ever get fed up with Nod, just keep in mind it could be worse. He could be flying around saying "Hey, listen!" every few minutes."

Nod's player: "Oh hi guys, remember those dudes we didn't kill?"
Clare: "I should have said, 'quietly.'"
Nod's player: "The walking tin can is giving stealth lessons."
Clare's player: "Apparently she needs to, that's the really sad thing!"

Nefarrash's player, subbing for Macsen's: "Max will, undoubtedly, start towards the enormous Orc Douche, mit bow."
The DM: "Which enormous orc douche? No orcs have been spotted yet."
Nefarrash's player: "The... enormous douche for the purpose of removing orcs."
The DM: "Oh. That."
Nefarrash's player: "Not the enormous orc who is a douche."

Nefarrash's player: "Clare you appear to have a few hangers-own back there..."
Clare's player: "Maybe if you guys hadn't felt the need to talk so much about my ass there wouldn't be so many orcs trying to latch onto it."

Nod's player: "Oooh, shiny buttons! And dials! Oh my Cat Lord, levers! Is that a switch? That is totally a switch. Nod goes into what is colloquially known as 'ferret shock', though cats can also, more rarely, have it happen to them. A deluge of stimulus that just knocks the brain right out."

Nod's player: "I wonder if trying to get [the controls] to work while my allies are still down there is wise. Oh well, I bet they can swim in boiling water."

Chess's player: "I have to point out: at this point, Nod becomes the droids."
The DM: "They're in the supply room, operating the doors, while Luke and Han are running around crazy, trying to get out. ...It's pretty true, honestly."

The DM: "We'll play again next week our usual time. Hopefully we will finish then."
Chess's player: "One way or another!"
Nod's player: "Seems pretty easy to me. Nod turns on the vents, goes and finds new team."
Clare's player makes an exaggerated sadface.
The DM: "Oh come on, what's boiling water to the Blackened Company?"
Chess's player, helpfully: "Hot!"

Shadowrun/Leverage: The Technical Difficulties Job

bodybag_pilgrim — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:14:41 GMT

The new academic year is upon us, and with it, the joy of introducing freshers to gaming. My selection this year introduced Shadowrun to the joy of the Leverage hack.

I didn't catch nearly as many quotes as usual, but here's what we've got. Characters:

Princess, extremely homosexual razorboy
Master Blaster, team leader and explosives enthusiast
Dr. Feelgood, team medic (in the Team Fortress 2 sense)
Ali the Cat, sniper and catburglar
Dead Man, mage
Lord Bastard, hacker
Kid Phoenix, prettiest troll in Seattle

Not everyone is represented in what follows.

GM: "By definition, there is a penthouse. A penthouse is the top floor. If there isn't a top floor, then something has gone wrong with Euclidean geometry."

(After Master Blaster blows his way in through the roof)
GM: "This was intensely sterile until, you know, some dickhead blew a hole in the roof"

(Proving he is a hipster)
Princess: "I liked Seattle's Finest better when they were underground."

Princess: "What's this guy got in his glove compartment?"
GM: "...I don't know, what's in his glove compartment?"
(Princess mimes pulling something out)
Princess: AAAH!

Master Blaster: "He wants working body parts, you want dead body parts."

GM: "I'm sure LA must have A clothes shop SOMEWHERE."

Lord Bastard: "Either way, Denmark is now a city!"

Dead Man: "I get the bonus for being on drugs, right?"