Rose

Children

2004-04-02T22:16:22Z

Lydia got right up in the camera after her snack.

I am a million times blessed with amazing and all around wonderful children.

Begin again

2003-10-15T18:58:50Z

Lydia has caught a cold. Miles is recovering from strep throat and Brian has a raging case of grumpiness and strep throat. I have I don't know what but it involves wanting to throw up and kidney pain. I believe I will have a beer and go to sleep soon.

Fascinating I know.

I have this idea of decoupaging the closet doors. There are some really cool papers out there, in my shopping cart at Stampington.com are Botticelli papers and Tarot. Good stuff.

rozilla @ 2003-01-14T22:52:00

2003-01-14T20:07:33Z

I wont try to catch this journal up to speed, there has been lives lived since I wrote last.
I was pregnant last time I wrote out my feelings and experiences here.

Now I sit crouched with back pain, watching Brian and the baby Lydia Rose sleep.
She is amazing, such a calm baby who falls asleep much easier then Miles. I am dealing
with post partum depression, on and off. A coupla days ago I felt, when she smiled at me first thing in the morning that there was no way I could live up to the big love she was giving me. I feel real mortal these days, we are so easily picked off. Lydia is
my little girl baby thing, I call her Lyddie Lou. She has so much personality and life light at her young young age. She is cool and lively.

Miles ofcourse is the worlds best brother, having a sister is really letting him grow as a person. Which saddens me but I can't keep him little forever. I love him, I miss it being
just us sometimes, though I treasure both my children.

We are going to Las Vegas to renew our vows, sometimes I think we are doing this so we can officially break up. You know how some people get married to break up?

We will see.

rozilla @ 2002-09-18T00:14:00

2002-09-17T21:06:05Z

Maybe if I write about it, the baby will come sooner. I am sitting here gushing all over, I mean literally. My water is broken, just like with Miles and around the same time. 6 in the morning. I should be asleep now, just incase this baby decides to come tonight. I'm not and I was just reading homebirth stories. One of them struck me, the midwife asked the woman if she had any unresolved issues she needed to work out, like it was slowing down her labor.

What can I say? Miles birth was horrifying, an endless white medical wall of pain and ignorance. I was put on a timer when I walked in, getting him out was like swimming upstream, pushing uphill. I was scared and didn't know what to do to help myself. The nurses were of no help, one nurse even told me that this wasn't a normal labor. It got worse when they hooked up the internal monitor, I was barely a human, mostly wires and numbers on beeping machines.

Somehow I overcame it, the physical effects are mostly erased (except for my back type problems - including a torqued pelvis from pushing out a posterior baby).

I try to approach this baby with new eyes, but it doesn't seem to work as well. Its been different because I have Mandy, Brian and I are better educated. I need to let him nurture me more, now is the time when I need him to help me and I know he would, I just need to get closer to him and let it happen. I have been relaxing with every big contraction, letting my body do its thing. I understand that I need to give it up to a power much bigger and experienced than myself. I let go and let the Goddess, the birth dance settle on me.
Come baby girl, we will take good care of you. You will have an enriching love filled life. I am scared but I wont let it outweight my sense of curiousity and most of all love of life, of creating life, of doing what my body does best. Let me open up for you, come slide out, we are so excited to see you! I am strong and will be strong, relaxing through the contractions and I might smile through the pain. Help me Goddess, I am nothing but a silly mortal. Let me give life in a world with so much death. Let hypnobirthing encircle me and let my body do its thing.

rozilla @ 2002-08-29T13:20:00

2002-08-29T12:04:33Z

Monday the 26th - Miles and I went to the metropark by the river. It
was very peaceful and we had a great time. One the way back home, down the windy tree covered road he said, "Mom thanks for everything you've done for me." What a treat to the heart, soul and ears.

Tuesday the 27th - School starts. The teacher seems a big cool and distant but Miles likes her. She appears tons more organized than his previous teacher. Got belly photos taken, got naked, Brian in too many of them. Bad breath and unpleasant closeness. Realized I was much more introverted this pregnancy. Like I am doing it all myself and he is just an assistant. Which is true.

Wednesday the 28th - Did a whole lot of nothing. Felt wonderful.

Thursday the 29th - Threw up, before that dreamt of Rand, nice kindred spirit kind of feeling. Haven't dreamt or thought of him in a long while. Got up to pee 5 times last night, atleast. Christ. Ready for baby to be born!!!!! Went to Cost Plus, got some teas and treats for midwives (and us). Having some nasty raspberry
tea Brian made. Especially nasty. Smell cat pee in house, hate that smell. Wish Tiberius would disappear. I don't even like it when he looks at me. I unsubscribed to the Sept02 moms list, too many holy roller immature mothers to be. One particularly nasty one even emailed me personally. She will make a GREAT Mom. Snort. Asshole fest.

Re-read Weetzie Bat and the other two. Stopped at the last one. COME ON BABY, BE BORN! Be like Mom, be impatient!!

My brother keeps calling, after 7 months? WTF? What a loser. Go away Sam.

rozilla @ 2002-08-20T23:05:00

2002-08-20T20:29:24Z

I am so sick of my brother and his fucked up life. I am trying to practice loving detachment, however if I don't see him for a long time the happier I'll be. What a asshole, a user, a moralless bastard. Fuck him, fuck Sam and his crazy lying bride.

Ok that felt better. I love my brother, I just hate that he has shown no inkling of concern for my well being in atleast 6 months. It's only when he wants something that he calls. What a loser. Welcome to White trash central.

Went camping and that was wonderful, save for the other campers. Sitting on Lake Michigan was dandy, we all needed a break from the damn house and the goddamn cats.

I'm pregnant, hugely pregnant and sleeping erratically. The midwives think I'm trying to have preterm labor. Christ. I think next weekend (labor day weekend) will be the time that the baby shows herself. Speaking of detachment, I have been quite detached from the baby this pregnancy. Maybe because I have had Miles around so much. I don't feel like I have a relationship with her yet, whereas with Miles I talked to him constantly and from the ultrasounds knew what he looked like kinda. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just too old and cynical
for motherhood. I want this baby and I don't know why I am not brimming with love. It's been a long sometimes harrowing, often uncomfortable pregnancy. My glow was replaced months ago with 'what next??'

I have a big plan to go to the spa downtown on Friday while Miles is at Debs. God my family is mucked up. I believe Deb wonders why I wont be attending my asshole brothers 'reception' (aka ploy for money) on the 21st of September. HELLO, NEWBORN! Or that I think I'll be in labor during her Labor Day party. HELLO dearest donalds white trash smoking relatives. My brother is roasting a pig at his home but it's not his bride. HAHAHAHA! I have been hating Brian more then usual these days. I am pretty much a misery machine, ready to pop this baby out. I hate guilt and relatives who aren't even a little like me, having no one to trust to be there with me during labor except Miles and Brian. I am going to have a short labor, a new baby and I should be more grateful. Its hard to smile all the time when you are in the middle of this big storm of what next, what will happen, i have no one to trust. I guess I do have Brian though he is clueless at times.

Don't tell the midwife but I've started taking evening primrose, they want me to be pregnant forever and I'm ready for another 38 week baby!

I was off celexa for a few days so I gotta remember, it makes me even more cantankerous and unpleasant to be around. I'm glad Miles is going back to school next week, if only for the peace of mind, quietness and the ability to nap. I'll miss him alot too. I'm thinking of homeschooling Lydia. Besides friendships, what else has public schools done for Miles? We teach him more at home then what he gets in a full classroom with more than a couple damaged kids and an underpaid overworked teacher. The best private school is 12k a year. It has a damn good cirriculum, something Miles would love. 12k a year though, wow!

I feel like I need to relax more and let go of stuff. I can't keep lying here in bed thinking about how unloving my brother is, what the birth will be like, the worst is the unknown. I'm ready for the contractions and to see how strong my body is. I can do it and in the end whatever happens I'll have a sweet baby to love and get to know!! I'm blessed, I need to see through the anger and hormonal stuff and really feel that more. Please let me sleep tonight subconcious, this gurl needs all she can get!

rozilla @ 2002-07-29T09:52:00

2002-07-29T08:39:33Z

Had a nice dream about Rollins this am. We went to a theme park and I had him sit in a big bowl of coffee beans, I'd get a handful and let them run down his thighs, we were really hitting it off and just hanging out being happy. I also met a cat that had what looked like a toupee on top of his head. He was very nice. Henry also told Miles that he had some beanie babies. I asked him why he never emailed me and he said he would now. We were also watching the news and saw something about how stuff sprayed on these people made them kill, I whispered to Henry, "Ice Nine" and he agreed, knew exactly what I was talking about. All in all a sweet dream with hand holding and fondness. No monkey love but it was slowly building into it. I think Rollins represents an ideal cool guy, his is just the face pasted on there in my sub con.

Took another sleeping pill last night, I'll be all relaxed but unable to fall asleep, we do the relaxation scripts and it feels good but no dice on the sleeping. Not sure where to go from here. Wish there was some kick ass herbal/homeopathic remedy that would knock me out.

Woke up with a zit and an infected cuticle type thing. Going out to Debs to escape Judith the cleaner from hell, today is her last day. Hooray!

Miles has been reading since he woke up, I love when he reads, concentrates, lets himself get swept into the book. I hope we can afford private school for him, he deserves so much more, to have his creative side nurtured. Must also get him into piano lessons.

I'm impatient for the baby to be born, I'm measuring well into the accepted size for her to be all cooked and ready to come out. I'm eager for my life to start again, going to Miles school to pick him up and reconfiguring life with a newborn. Until then, stasis. Practice hypnobirthing and go to chiropractor.

rozilla @ 2002-07-28T01:13:00

2002-07-27T23:57:32Z

3:00 in the morning, thunderstorms outside. Brian is asleep as he has been for hours, since about 8:00. We are not pregnant, I am pregnant, he gets to feel the baby move and all the perks. I get to be in pain and an insomniac and the one who worries. Fucker.

I sleep better when he is not in bed. I don't know what that says. Yes I do, but I'm ignoring it for now.

BK is being crazy, who would of thought that such a small animal could generate so much noise?

Miles is wonderful, I coloured his hair and it he looks great. He needs the color to stay on longer, so I'll put more on tomorrow. If he were older he would be the ideal birth partner. He and I are very close, Brian and I are roommates. This baby hasn't especially brought us close. My fault. Well, I did want the baby, so I will suffer the slings and arrows while he drools on Miles pillow. I put up the new shower curtain, it needs to be up higher. Doing anything is quite a task. My back might actually be healing. It doesn't hurt.

Waiting for the Benadryl to kick in. The hours Ive spent in bed just trying to relax and find some peace, some sleep are many. Besides being full of baby ofcourse.

It's quite now, I wonder if all the storms have passed. I dreamt during my nap that there was a tornado and I was getting Miles friend and him out the emergency doors on a bus.

Thats about it for now, I trust my body to birth painlessly, I relax and let my body do the work.

rozilla @ 2002-07-15T15:34:00

2002-07-15T12:46:52Z

I think for pregnant women the temperature may be 80 but it feels 90. From all that blood and extra stuff
in there.

Went grocery shopping, panted like a dog, so hot. Brought in cold stuff, left rest in car.

Talked to my brother, whose reply to Mom getting married is 'finally' apparently he forgot all the abuse
heaped upon him. He also said 'it's not my life, none of my business' -- somehow he has become someone
I despise. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone very long, he is such a user, no morals and cares only
for himself. Ofcourse he hasn't been here for me during the pregnancy. But if he needs anything I'm sure he'll
call, though he knows he cannot have any more money till he pays us back the last 100.00 he owes us. Perhaps he and his gf are a perfect pair, liars both of them. Way overweight, eating McDonalds and smoking. I had a big part in raising him, though genetics I'm sure took over at some point.

Took a sleeping pill last night, still loagy this afternoon. Dreamt of hanging out with Madonna, asking her questions, me wearing WHITE?!?! shoes and a bad dress. Getting into a fight with deranged cousin, stealing back kitten that was mine and zooming away on a little go cart. Always have to go down curvy treed roads to leave her house. In reality the road leading out is paved.

The baby moved rhythmically this morning as I was waking up.

Tomorrow Miles friend is coming over, it will be a long day for me, plus hypnobirthing in the evening. Miles will be over at his house Thursday so I can do a whole lot of nothing. Cleaning person coming over Wednesday at 3:00, not sure what to do, maybe movies?

Pillows on this chair have helped tremendously, seeing the chiropractor for the first time on Thursday at 11:00 and massage in the evening. Busy.

I prefer to not be busy, to let these last days before becoming a Mom again pass as quietly as possible.

rozilla @ 2002-07-13T21:30:00

2002-07-13T18:38:41Z

A beautiful day - went to Independance Lake, sat on the quilt and watched Miles make a sandcastle. Rough night though, not alot of sleep.

Mom called to tell me she got married while on vacation. Shocked and sad, drudged up some stuff, a few tears. Samantha came over and we went to Bandito's. Why marry some guy who treats you like a non person? I wonder if it will get worse for her, must be detached. I have no desire to see her, I can't believe it. It will fade, I just don't want the stress right now at the end of pregnancy. Lord. And she wants us to be all happy for her?? I can't erase what has happened in the past, I can only do what my heart tells me to do now. Take time for myself and keep my family healthy and intact.

rozilla @ 2002-07-10T00:31:00

2002-07-09T21:22:24Z

I really liked the hypnobirthing class. When we were listening to the tape in bed I kept giggling and being ridiculous. I might need to switch to a different tape, I'm not sure if I can inhale lime coloured mist at my cynical old age. The baby has been moshing, it's good, I hope she is not trying to tell me something. So in summary = yeh hypnobirthing.

I can't believe I threw up this morning and that I'm feeling UTI-ish. I need to go to sleep as we have a midwife appointment at 10. Note to self, NEVER schedule it that early again!! My thinking was that it would be cooler in the officer. I guess late afternoon would work too. Gotta think up some questions to ask.

rozilla @ 2002-07-09T11:34:00

2002-07-09T08:39:23Z

Dang, I was rife with ideas of what I wanted to write yesterday but too tired to log on and put them down.
Ofcourse now they are gone gone gone. The night before last night I had a long weird/disturbing dream that involved trying to escape and having to do all this unpleasant stuff. Somehow it veered off into freakland after
a nice dream about Big.

Last night I dreamt of crazy cousin 2 having a baby and having to take care of it, breastfeeding and all that. I was bummed because I had wanted to save the colustrum for Lydia. Back at high school on the last day, telling crazy cousin 2 that Mike Meyers graduated from my school. Didn't realize he hadn't a while after. Wearing huge shoes that almost put me up with the trees. Jeff's mother performing some kind of native american ritual so she could get her voice back. Trying to talk to B. on the phone at Moms, him getting laid off and me crying in the bathroom. Also dreamt of Mom being mean to me when I was young.

Dear sub conscious, I want to be through all the noise and having future dreams. So much of my sleep life is taken up with the past.

Woke up with a muscle spasm on the side of my back. Diaphragm? Miles and I started reading 'Journey to the center of the earth' last night. Long winded and not incredibly interesting thus far. We read 10,000 leagues under the sea and it was much cooler, though abridged. Tried to get M. to sleep in his bed last night, it worked for almost 15 minutes (I think) then he came in saying something scared him. A night light and a flashlight might work. I think 8 is a good age for sleeping in ones own bed. It's not like we're far away from him. Right across the hall.

Had fear thoughts last night after a pee trip, posterior, the horriblness of back labor, going to the hospital and being a number. Anxiety over whether hypnobirthing will work. It's at her house and will there be children running in and out? We paid alot of money for this class, I hope it works.

Feeling like I need to drink lots of fluids and take vitamin c today. Got that beginning of a UTI feeling. Need to
call capital one and get rid of card, make list of q's for midwife appointment tomorrow (bright and freaking early!!), need to start on my cardboard with helpful labor sayings, need 7th generation clothes washing detergent to start washing the baby clothes.

J. is getting married on the 20th, if it's Art Fair I don't think we'll be here for it, we want to go camping before it's too late. My belly is getting big. The baby moved in such a way yesterday that I could feel a part! I think it was her lower leg/foot. Getting used to she being called a she, thought she was a he.

I'm craving bbq chicken, mmmMMMMmmm.

It's raining! Not loudly but it is raining and that is always a joyous thing. Our polar pansies have died, they were flourishing all through winter too!

rozilla @ 2002-07-07T12:33:00

2002-07-07T09:34:30Z

Last night we went to the fireworks at Hudson-Mills. I wasn't sure about getting out but I'm
really glad we did. The fireworks were just right, save for the obnoxious new parents behind us,
more like the man. Fireworks should be watched in quiet reverence, broken only be in awed 'oohs'
and 'ahhs' now I discover there is a small clan of fireworks talkers. Blasphemy!

On the way home we stopped for a train. I yelled a happy yell as it passed. Our car was the only one stopped,
no cars for miles. It was like the dessert of the fireworks display.

I had a amazing dream last night. First part was being chased by these two guys that wanted to kill me. After we got out of the pink pinto, a carriage being pulled by a smaller sized elephant and a animal that looked like a bull/buffalo with small sideways tusks at it's mouth. I prayed to the lady in the carriage and she helped me. I believe she was an elf. She opened a door in the concrete and we went through. I could fly, there were all kinds of normal people there who had, had a magical experience too. We collected magical items, I got some balls in different sizes and colors, I thought that if I could space using them out through my life it would be great. I also got a silver box with a slip of metal in it, the guy told me it was a tree. I had a
bf type fellow, who kissed my part and we flew around together. He was dressed in medieval type garb (as were alot of people). It was a merry scene. As I was waking up I had an idea for a story. A woman dreams of this amazing place and finds her true love there, then when she is awake she looks for him. He was a thin guy with a bigger nose, calm and a good person.

The baby sleeps on my right side, I need to write more about the experience of being pregnant and hopes and fears - however duty calls.

Been a while the world has changed.

2001-09-19T20:12:36Z

Lots of people died in New York needlessly, we watched CNN helplessly, I struggle with hope, the fear of not being able to protect Miles from bombs. The asshole neighbors across the street, the child cries at 11:04, she is in first grade this year. The whole family is fucked. The mothers cell phone rings.

This is my life. The best thing about right now is that there is a wind and it rained all day, its
a little chilly. Classes have started and I'm trying to find the groove. I enjoy them all, though by Monday night I am ready for a few days off.

Miles had nightmares last night, which is strange because it was the first night I didn't have a nightmare. TT has been supportive, but then a coupla peeps from another country dissed America, being isolationist. As if the 5k people who died had anything to do with isolationism or George Bush and his empty words. I miss Clinton.

Sex is good, sex is great. I wish I had the capacity to love back. Instead I pull away, so many walls,old tired walls.

Fall is coming, I am ready for the hot parts to be over. I want to camp before winter comes, wonder if I'll get the chance. Terrified of the 22nd, planes in the air worry me, but I am a person who (tries) to love everyday and to learn.

Dreamed of Befumo, that he could save Miles and I from the things falling from the skies. 9 years past I think, he works for privileged white male and is a privileged white male himself, don't forget the Napoleon complex. I appreciate what he did for me, need to let those strong feelings subside. He hasnt contacted me in 9 years, it does mean something. It means that he doesn't want to talk to me. If he doesnt want to be in my life he can't be. Remember being pregnant and the letter from him, almost desperate to find an Army base by me. Hey fucker, I could of used you, the pain wouldnt of hurt so much, I would of known someone else was in control. You could of been a big part of Miles life, he could of learned much from you. I lost you but you know what? You lost me and thats that. I'm tying up the loose ends.

Speaking of which I keep dreaming of my asshole relatives, they need to be gone from my subconcious too, doncha think? Another unhealthy thing I was mixed up in.

Miles is waiting for me, I hope I sleep tonight, last night I stayed up till too damn late reading, "Like Water for Chocolate" -- goodnight goodnight world, be good to each other.

rozilla @ 2001-08-26T21:19:00

2001-08-26T18:24:23Z

I hate the new next door neighbors, they might be find people, who knows. But I fucking hate them and the nosey bitch on the other side with the lighting fireworks late
at night future criminals of hers and the big ass sqwauking bird thats behind us. I am
in no way cut out for city living. It and me do not mesh. The blonde woman, the frat boy
man with his big grill and a fucking shitzu. For Zilla it would be an appetizer.

I must secretly thank them for it will inspire me to get this remodelling done and sell this
house in the Spring and move out someplace rural and make trips into Ann Arbor for culture and so forth.

Rainy and humid. Two nights of dreams about babies. Last night Scotland and then 8
miles outside of London in a trailer. Big indifferent husband, Chris Stephens like. Amazing that I have about 5 years of child bearing left, where has time went, what have
I learned? Is life based on how well and thoroughly one loves? What about my one
true thing, he cant be too much like me, or too different, just right and handsome and
someone who inspires, nurtures and surprises me in a good way. I want a wedding, with
a cool dress and cake, I want a community of friends, a big garden, fruit trees. Miles to
be happy this year in school.

Tomorrow raspberry picking with Deb in the early am, Miles last day of freedom till next June. School sucks and sux.

rozilla @ 2001-08-23T01:08:00

2001-08-22T22:11:20Z

Went to Toronto. Great place. Would live there. Started feeling freaked out after
asshole yelled at me when I tried to get on a street car. Was eager to get home. 4 days
of hotels is too much for me. Miles and I went up Thursday, felt all confident and strong, that I could get he and I across the border, to the train station, in first class (gross grit crap in my appetizer, I can still taste it, ewww!) then to hotel.

Ready for divorce, watched Six Feet Under, one part about being married for a long time and not wanting to do that anymore made sense.

Miles going to back to school Monday, I will miss him but life is changing (wrote love instead of life) -- hate how he acted during the school season, stressed and concerned about his fellow students reactions to him. Still learning I can't fight all his battles (just some).

Brian is mopey and sensitive, not interacting enough with Miles. Rained, feels good. Slept with window open. Have wretched canker sore. Jaw isnt hurting so much today, not sure what deal is. Thinking about how I cant get into see doc without going through
nurse. Bah.

Zilla shat her cage today. Foul smell through entire house when we came home. Brought home tile today, dig it. Make changes Rose Hill and grow.

rozilla @ 2001-08-04T11:13:00

2001-08-04T08:14:54Z

Dreamt I was a teacher. The cool teacher, at Clinton. Then the recurring graveyard, wasnt so bad this time, lilacs were there, I told them they were planted when someone died. Told kids stories, gave them candy.

Haven't written in a while. I should of written when I had the big dose of insomnia. Finished for the most part trillium, rita ann had me do a website for her.

Miles has been wonderful and demanding, we only have a few weeks of summer left, which is sad. He talks about homeschooling. Bigger distances with Joanne, she came over and talked and talked, I forgot what it was like, its a battle to wedge in a word. Thinking of moving to Washington. Mountains, ocean. Want Miles to have roots. We'll see.

rozilla @ 2001-07-14T23:02:00

2001-07-14T20:15:24Z

Miles loves the water. Long baths, mud bogs, mud puddles, long showers. He has
blue hair now that is fading quickly to the bleached blonde. I haven't written in a while
Things have been really good with Brian. Now we are divorcing. Hee. We are also planning a trip to the Keys in Jan and a trip to Europe, London and Paris end of March, when I will be 30. Time is weird, I can't think of myself as 30, I think of myself as a generic adult, ageless. I have been getting chin zits for months now, a delayed adolesence?

I got financial aid, 3750.00!! Hooray. Ok not financial aid, a loan. Ah well, I'll just keep going to school for the rest of my life.

Disturbing dreams, last night Miles and I under electrical wires. Him going to the hospital, Deb leaving me behind, trying to find a ride. Getting different rides. People cheering me up. A big guy playing me the new Tori album, being inspired but her lovely songs.

I have begun to appreciate quality more in clothes and makeup. I have a coach purse on layaway, it'll last me alot longer then the cheapos I buy. Going shopping whilst in Toronto for Fall clothes, need some good black leather cool ass boots that are comfortable.

The lawn is a long long way from where I want to be with it. Scorched earth still reigning, though the front is looking better, strawberry patch, a rock with our names on it, red mulch, big and little rocks lining. Flowers dry as heck. MUST WATER THEM DAILY. Ofcourse I forgot today. Geeze. Need to lose some weight, feeling big.

Should never weigh myself right around period. Ouch!

Have huge zit bubbling up underneath the skin. Quite unpleasant. Let the shower pound it tonight. Zapped it with clean and clear. Cleaned the diningroom and office today, picked up livingroom. Tomorrow office and bathroom. Brian can do the kitchen.
We have been poor but eating better then when we go out. Funny that. No money for fun stuff though, we went to the library and got "Creature from the Black Lagoon" Miles got an insect show.

A boy got his arm torn off (reattached) in knee deep water off Floridas coast. His uncle wrestled the shark to the shore and a lifeguard shot it and they got the arm. A boy Miles age. Maybe why I dreamt about Miles in danger...

Need to get organized should be my constant mantra. Projects I'd like to do, like getting a piece of plywood and shaping it into a headboard and stapling beautiful cloth to it. Painting the livingroom, my bedroom, my bathroom, office. Wood floors! Maybe carpet for me?

Sam and Jennie broke up, good for Sam, though I feel bad for him. She is sick, not a bad person but someone who needs help. I couldn't live with the lies.

More distance from Joanne, finally coming to terms with choosing friends who give and take, not take and take. So important.

Read "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lamott. Learned that John the neighbor has bad cancer, I prayed for him. Faith has become a bigger cloud in my life. Looked at the Universalist Unitarian church, if I can gather courage I'll go. Give Miles a community who care about him. Help and to give help. My issue is not so much with God but with christians who are cruel and stupid. Well I wonder how God loving us and not helping with all the starving people and children with AIDS works. I believe in reincarnation, and a big energy source, its easier to put a face on God instead of pulsating light. Things are happening inwardly. Wish I could find some good books on faith.

Every book we read becomes part of us. Read something along those lines today. Wow and how true.

I need my memory and I hope it isn't broken. Like there is some key that I dont know how to access to recall things like Miles being born and the best sunset of my life and so forth.

rozilla @ 2001-06-27T11:11:00

2001-06-27T08:18:34Z

Back from vacation, Miles is pounding on an empty water jug he just said, "Hear the dream, hear the drum." He is in a good mood, we all are, well Brian got fussy immediately back from the trip. We had a good time and aside from a few issues had a wonderful vacation. Now I am faced with getting back to real life. I feel like a visitor here currently. Lots of weird dreams.

I actually missed Marc. We are going to take him out to icecream sometime this week. I'm a brokester right now, hopefully some money will pop back in the account. Sigh.

Sams gf is trying to keep Sam from talking to me. It's weird and I dunno what to think about it.

"Strange and beautiful are the stars tonight."
Need to write, soon. The opener for Ani said something about words being too heavy to get out, I really identified with it. I am aswirl with ideas, need to find the time to get them out!!!!!

Did the financial aid mambo yesterday, I think I'll get 1300.00 -- it's a start. Went to Nicolas going out of business sale yesterday and spent 50.00 on books and I got the birth of venus nightlight I've been coveting too. Somehow we blew the entire paycheck on the vacation. Sheesh. Can't wait to get some $$$ from trillium.

Money money.

Need to get out more with Miles, dont want him to be a shutin. I dont want him to absorb all my fears and be neurotic. Life is adventure, right?

True Love

2001-06-14T06:56:08Z

I dreamed of true love. A man of normal stature, some extra poundage who set off on an adventure to Troikkmon or someplace, a 3rd world, to make a film. He made sense in everywhere, he kind of looked like the guy from the tao of steve. A fellow traveller, he delighted and made me happy. An excellent Uncle to his sisters kids, even his sister liked me and we talked about the guys previous gurlfriends. It was a wonderful dream. I don;t know how to find him, but if I trust in the Goddess we will find each other. It was amazing, I met him and I knew, and we felt so wonderful together. We fit. I fit with someone and I was completely myself. He was funny, fun, kind, nurturing, understanding. We had experienced some of the same pain. He told me his mother had killed herself.

After I was woken up from the paradise of two souls thoroughly and without apology or hesitation who were meant for each other I dreamt ofcourse about being at Aunt Jerrys and wanting to leave, Don was having some party over there and somehow Joannes grandmother showed up. They decided to stay and the only vehicle I had for escape was a air mattress with a motor. Miles in his underwear or naked and I set off to the bus station. Dirt, lights, a Rio Bravo, people laying in the dirt, kids in my way. Sympathetic employees, told them my husband left me. They didn't take a charge card, someone from the crowd shouted out something from the bible about helping others. I found some 20's, confused about the time the bus would come, 11, 9, 5 hours to get to Ann Arbor?

When I woke up I started problem solving. I could of called Joanne or Nate to come get us.

Groggy today, the sun beats down outside and inside its doctors office cold. Going to meet with Sandi and Linda in 1.5 hours, I have nothing prepared, the plan will be to go in and listen intently, take notes and see what happens. Then off to lunch with Brian. I can do this!!!

rozilla @ 2001-06-11T23:12:00

2001-06-11T20:55:37Z

Planning vacation, looking forward to it. Spotting continues. Feeling weird, taking naps, not sure the triphasil is working, or my body has changed. Too early for menopausal type things, right? Miles is sleeping next to me, he will be out of school next Tuesday. Wow, I am still processing that he will be a 3rd grader. Thought about having a gurl, my own little riot gurl. Not sure how I'd react to a female. Loves me some babies though. TT is down, vmware not working on the desktop so I am running a pure Linux box right now, in a word heaven. So nice.

They killed McVeigh today and I felt no relief, more and more I detest the death penalty. Murder by the state is still murder. We are the only country in the west that has it. The victims shouldnt ask for more death, hasn't there been enough? Make him be in jail forever, work for repentance or is that repentence? Waco was horrifying.

Things are going really well with Brian, till he mentioned the Providian card being run up. I reacted instead of thinking first. I have to come to grips with my money issues, we make alot of money but there is none in savings. It gaves me a rotten feeling, there is food and money in the bank but I want a cushion. Hand to mouth? We are not poor and our bills are paid.

Going to see Sandi and Linda later this week, man I hope to earn some $$$! Feel a natural distance from J. that our paths are really diverging. What didnt used to bother me does now. How she rarely responds to my words, she just writes more about herself. Which is a bit of the way conversation works but I could just talk to the wall or write here to talk to myself.

Took some melatonin, need to relax and get to sleep on time. Need to get to the post office tomorrow to mail Tan's frame and the money order for my new silky silver asian shirt woohoo.

My wardrobe is sorely lacking. Brian took Zilla on a long walk today, he slid down an embankment and she got away -- ran into the road ofcourse. She is laying there farting her brains out. Getting disgusted. It occurred to me how much of our lives is centered around her fucking insanity.
She better shape up or to the great dane rescue she will go. I hate to give up on anyone but the misery to pleasure balance is way off.

I finished the David Sedaris, "Me Talk Pretty Some Day." I need more books, need to settle up my fees with the library. Need to get creative with a gift for Brian for Fathers Day, thinking about a french speaking newspaper and breakfast in bed?

I'm really enjoying the cats, Persimmon and I have been hanging out alot too. Its hot out but we are nice and cool inside, I love technology. To be crispy cool. The heat makes me lethargic and unpleasant.

Week before Aunt Flo, not feeling completely like me. Anxious, I about jumped out of my skin when I accidentally hit the window opener.

Turned off the light and stood out on the deck. Love looking at the sky, cant wait to be up there camping and see more stars. Nope Im not a city dweller but I am dealing ok. Lit some incense, opened the window. Miles is wearing winter pajamas and sweating. Sleep apnea is when you stop breathing, or part of the symptoms. I think Miles might have it.

Took a melatonin. I have a bad memory but I heard on NPR we remember alot of stuff, so I need to figure out how to remember the things I want to and contend with the things I dont want to??

Another part of me I want to deal with is my spirituality, the dream magic book is centered on calling dream guardians, not sure how I feel about that, I mean I don't like it. I will start slow, research how one can celebrate the solstice, we'll be seeing Ani and camping that night. How wonderful.

One more week of doing what I want, but then I never really treat this like a vacation, I always have stuff I want to do and feel bad when I don't accomplish. Need to stop fooling myself and take care of business, being out of school is good and bad. Good because the stress isnt there and bad because I dont have anything to do with my hands/mind etc.

I don't miss Marc, I know that sounds callous but its the truth. I wish we could be friends but I doubt that could happen. He would be pining and I would be uncomfortable. Brian and Miles both need haircuts but B. doesnt want to deal with the 'MEMEMEMEMEME' talk of J. -- I can relate. Need to find a place that sells Sebastian or find a new facial wash.

Want to forego all pettiness and lift myself up to the good stuff, meet new people who nurture and inspire, get a certificate and see what more this life holds for me. Miles is playing more with Griffin, he will be sad when he leaves. I am looking forward to new neighbors, but the new ones might be truly horrible, who knows. This neighborhood isnt that great, shitty people on both sides, those assholes a few houses down and their daughter, christ. If it weren't for Miles we wouldnt even know of them. Want so much more for Miles. Wish Darnell would stop coming over. Telling Miles he is going to kill him??!! And using the word 'fuck' -- nice parenting going on there. Sheesh. Let's pay this house down and move someplace nice. Miles said he likes nature or loves it and I'm glad. Petoskey stones, you need to put them in the water to see their circles. Also they were formed from ancient coral. Gotta tell Miles that. His friend comes over tomorrow, grr, its a hassle. I get really tired in the afternoon, today I slept for almost 3 hours and then had to make myself wake up. Same thing happened the day before. Hope I get to sleep tonight, need to keep on track and not start the downward spiral. Having central air will help, wont have to stay up till it's cool. Ok the stink has dissapated, the nag champa and fresh air are making it ok. Goodnight.

rozilla @ 2001-06-04T21:52:00

2001-06-04T19:02:10Z

Dream: In Kmart parking lot I think, Prince and his band/posse were there getting down, doing spins on the concrete, Prince in a big purple truck and me in a truck too. Princes cat got loose and I went looking for him.

rozilla @ 2001-06-04T21:47:00

2001-06-04T18:57:11Z

All I can do right now is write about it. Try to flush these toxins from my body and soul. I
didn't know the abuse went so deep, that it rotted my marrow and that I really am damaged. I can't help myself I'm so damaged. Internal leper? I feel weird after sex, though during is ok, emotions of non committed, the physical act versus the emotions attached to it. This all sparked a personal hell that rared it's head when Marc began pawing at me and I didn't respond with a firm no. Instead I kidded and pushed him off but back he came. A big fat baby huey mouth open and giant stomach leaning over the dick. For hours I went along, not wanting to be there. Till I could flee. How could someone honestly not know they are freaking someone out? Why did he keep laying there all fucking creepily, not apologizing, just saying, "Im affectionate" and "I'm a horndog." It went from hot to cold with him. These relationships don't soften me, they make me harder, less permeable. I don't know why I do this to myself.

I don't know how to be in love with Brian, he is everything good to me, but then there's the sex thing and how I feel afterward opposed to the lusty feelings. The dreams o' sex.
Am I that uptight? This is a fucking nightmare. I feel kind of like the wind is knocked out of me and that people see me for what I am and the cool damage like Henry Rollins has looks downright ugly and mentally ill on a midwestern fat gurl like me. Its only ok to be crazy if you are brilliant.

I suffer when the sheet comes off the bed. There is something to untidy and wrong about it. I am a creature of comfort, a cold drink with ice, some quiet in the night, a shower before bed.

I need help, I looked for a provider online, looks like I'll have to call. Getting a good therapist is such like a crapshoot. Im scared Im so whacked out about relationships.

Wind blows in with a bit of nip

2001-05-29T13:24:58Z

Sitting here after school. Clean house, clean bed, Miles has a friend over. He is so unlike Miles it's interesting to watch him. I am selfish in that I can't wait for Miles to have Miles for my own again. To smell his hair, clean sweat and a familiarity. The kitten as a metaphor for how out of control Sams life is. We have this cat, a foster cat, his cat that he is unable to care for. Like his own life. Out of work again today. I think he is depressed, hates himself. I can't do much now that he's grown up besides be an ear and suggest things now and again. I have done nothing today, went to the store to get potatos for the jones I have. Still recovering from the bbq yesterday where most of the family members sat on their asses, Joanne, Mom and I oh and Jennie took care of business. EXCELLENT margaritas though. I didnt care for the shrimp. We spent all our money on this party. I know we'll learn to save. One day. Retirement and so forth. Geeze. Zilla is fucking insane, there is no nice way to say it. If I am not near her at all times she freaks right out.

Im so scared because it's going really well with Marc. We are hitting it off on different levels. I already feel myself playing my old tricks of not being content and fantasizing about movie stars.
It gets me nowhere so I need to curtail it. Marc is such a gentleman, so good that it eminates from him. He didn't paw me, he had his hand on my back and it delighted me. We hiked Saturday, I came home to take a nap and then I went over with movies. I would of loved to take a nap with him, lay down and feel him next to me. Ok he is not my type at all, he is nice and hasn't tried to get in my knickers. I smooched him on his lips and he said, "Woah!" or "Wow" or a mixture of both? It was nice. There was rain but I could barely hear it. We watched, "Quills" and "Nurse Betty" - he wrote me a very nice email this morning. He seems to want to see me this week. Shucks.

Did I mention the house is clean? Mainly I want dirt to make the side garden, I have all those wildflowers to plant and seeds for vegetables too. Sheesh.

Invited Carol on our trip to Silver Lake. She is good people. Marc and I were talking about Chicago and going together. Twould be nice. Again he is not my type, he is blonde, short and has a gut. But I like him for him and I didn't really like him in the beginning of the semester.

rozilla @ 2001-05-21T22:50:00

2001-05-21T19:58:52Z

Saturday night Brian finished the wood floors in the living room, hooray. Adds depth and
light to the living room. Now need to find cool rugs. Also Sat. night Miles and I slept in the tent till 5:30, twas fun. Sunday my hip really bothered me and Aunt Flo came to visit.
We had asparagus from the farmers market and scalloped potatos, its fun to add stuff to an otherwise boring mix. Today Mom et all came out to do quilt stuff, took them to eat at Banditos. Aunt Agathas and then to cloth encounters and hancock and value world. Whew. Big weather happening here, mostly this morning early lots of booms. Going to cool off the rest of the week. Talked with Marc tonight, I like him, as simple as that. Not as simple as being completely single. We'll see what happens, going to take it slow. Invited him to Memorial Day partay. Brian invited Nate?! We'll see how it goes. Going to make great food. Miles is here, he seems less enamoured with Mom since she missed his singing. Good for Miles, starting to figure out the wrong from the not so right. Love the way the wind felt today, the sky uneasy and wild. Zilla and Oscar got into it, the groomer on Sat. said Zilla is the most behaved she's seen. All this hanging out with her is paying off. Ok so she's not the dream dog I imagined, maybe one day?