continued musings
I should observe that my dissatisfaction with my self-image is not a new thing. When I was a 98-pound dancer at 18 (at 5'7" -- to put things in perspective, take a look at the photos I posted a couple of weeks ago: I weighed between 160 and 170 when those were taken), I loved some of what my body could do, but not what it looked like, except in motion. (I could not do slow, sustained movements in dance then -- I didn't have enough muscle strength; but I could dart, and spin like a throwing knife, and lunge like an arrow.) I didn't pass 125 pounds until I was 30 -- but went from 130 to 165 in about a two year period.
(I did, finally, figure out why and how I gained the weight. After I had my broken front teeth capped, I was no longer ashamed to be seen eating, and eating was no longer painful. Over the past three years, I've actually learned how much I can eat, as well as how to identify hunger. It's very strange, learning things at 38 that other people learned twenty years earlier in their lives.)
Meanwhile, I hear the voices of my mother and her sisters in my head, talking about how real women have meat on their bones, and memories of them talking about me as a scrawny teenager, wondering if I'd ever develop. Well, Mom, now I have meat on my bones, and pretty good legs (not as good as yours were, but pretty good).
Can I be a grown-up woman now?
(I did, finally, figure out why and how I gained the weight. After I had my broken front teeth capped, I was no longer ashamed to be seen eating, and eating was no longer painful. Over the past three years, I've actually learned how much I can eat, as well as how to identify hunger. It's very strange, learning things at 38 that other people learned twenty years earlier in their lives.)
Meanwhile, I hear the voices of my mother and her sisters in my head, talking about how real women have meat on their bones, and memories of them talking about me as a scrawny teenager, wondering if I'd ever develop. Well, Mom, now I have meat on my bones, and pretty good legs (not as good as yours were, but pretty good).
Can I be a grown-up woman now?