choose your battleground
Sometimes, the universe seems to go out of its way to give me messages.
Friday, I got some shocking (to me) news, which has made me reassess a lot of the things I've been told about the situation with D, as well as what I've been doing.
Yesterday morning, I went online, and looked at my horoscope for the day:
I've been told that I am not powerless in my interactions with D -- though I have yet to figure out how to achieve any sort of resolution with him when he refuses to interact with me at all -- and that I can fix things. Unfortunately, all the proposed solutions seem to involve my apologizing for being hurt by his actions, and my allowing him to continue to do the same things. Not quite either my having power or anything actually improving, as far as I can tell.
Be that as it may, I decided to put together a new journal book, the way I used to, with pictures, a title/epigram (that will shape the way the entries feel when I look back on them, if not shape the way I write them), and some song quotes and epigrams to remind me of what I want. (For a couple of years, I always put one of the phrases flashed on the screens during the Zoo Station tour in the front of each book: "IT'S YOUR WORLD/YOU CAN CHANGE IT." I also used "she's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in/she's gonna dream out loud" for years -- and may go back to it.)
While looking for a specific Margaret Atwood quote (which is probably going to show up in my bio here shortly), I ran across a quote from her novel Surfacing. [gazes up at heavens] I can take a hint, you know. . .
I know that I have power, and I know that I have hurt people, and can hurt people. But, perhaps, what the message is, is that I need to give up completely on the old games, the old ways of interacting, and walk away from them. Not withdrawing, but not going back to the things that don't work.
*****
One bright thing on Friday was running into Davita and Amy, who perform under the name Sin & Tonic. It turned out that they were playing last night at a bar within walking distance of home; so Soren and I walked over to it, and had a very pleasant time. They were delighted -- and somewhat amazed, as far as I could tell -- that I actually did come out to their gig; from my experience with Lori's band, and others, I know all too well how few people actually do come out when they say they will, so I can understand the amazement.
After their set, I went over to congratulate them, and passed on contact information for Barbes, and umo.com. Networking again. (And I'll be passing on the information about Freddy's to other musician friends this week.) We'll see what comes of this, and whether this qualifies as spreading my magic far and wide. . .
Friday, I got some shocking (to me) news, which has made me reassess a lot of the things I've been told about the situation with D, as well as what I've been doing.
Yesterday morning, I went online, and looked at my horoscope for the day:
You are the magician of the moment. You're helping others, and yourself. Why, then are you being so hard on yourself? Perhaps the question is not so much about your moral fiber or your personal substance. Perhaps it's that you are so caught up in the illusion of powerlessness that you find it much easier to stay at the bottom of the heap. You need to get over it. Spread your magic far and wide.
I've been told that I am not powerless in my interactions with D -- though I have yet to figure out how to achieve any sort of resolution with him when he refuses to interact with me at all -- and that I can fix things. Unfortunately, all the proposed solutions seem to involve my apologizing for being hurt by his actions, and my allowing him to continue to do the same things. Not quite either my having power or anything actually improving, as far as I can tell.
Be that as it may, I decided to put together a new journal book, the way I used to, with pictures, a title/epigram (that will shape the way the entries feel when I look back on them, if not shape the way I write them), and some song quotes and epigrams to remind me of what I want. (For a couple of years, I always put one of the phrases flashed on the screens during the Zoo Station tour in the front of each book: "IT'S YOUR WORLD/YOU CAN CHANGE IT." I also used "she's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in/she's gonna dream out loud" for years -- and may go back to it.)
While looking for a specific Margaret Atwood quote (which is probably going to show up in my bio here shortly), I ran across a quote from her novel Surfacing. [gazes up at heavens] I can take a hint, you know. . .
This above all, to refuse to be a victim. Unless I can do that I can do nothing. I have to recant, give up the old belief that I am powerless and because of it nothing I can do will ever hurt anyone. A lie which was always more disastrous than the truth would have been. The word games, the winning and losing games are finished; at the moment there are no others but they will have to be invented, withdrawing is no longer possible and the alternative is death.
I know that I have power, and I know that I have hurt people, and can hurt people. But, perhaps, what the message is, is that I need to give up completely on the old games, the old ways of interacting, and walk away from them. Not withdrawing, but not going back to the things that don't work.
*****
One bright thing on Friday was running into Davita and Amy, who perform under the name Sin & Tonic. It turned out that they were playing last night at a bar within walking distance of home; so Soren and I walked over to it, and had a very pleasant time. They were delighted -- and somewhat amazed, as far as I could tell -- that I actually did come out to their gig; from my experience with Lori's band, and others, I know all too well how few people actually do come out when they say they will, so I can understand the amazement.
After their set, I went over to congratulate them, and passed on contact information for Barbes, and umo.com. Networking again. (And I'll be passing on the information about Freddy's to other musician friends this week.) We'll see what comes of this, and whether this qualifies as spreading my magic far and wide. . .