Okay. So I've slept on the situation. The two things that keep sticking in my craw are that the person who wants me to do more, in her apology-of-sorts, told me that she didn't actually understand the magnitude of my pain, and that I was edging in and out of ... "reality," I think was her word, as people who are in great pain tend to do.
Fine. We'd only been talking about the situation on and off since January or February, and she can tell me that she had no idea of the magnitude of my pain -- though all through that time, she could tell me how much D was hurting. That's bad enough, to find out that despite all our conversations, she didn't really track on my emotional state, though she acted as if she had. But to have one more person tell me that I was acting crazy ("schizzy" was the word used by someone else, the one who was probably in AIM with both D and me simultaneously and didn't have the guts, nor the grace, to admit it) in my depiction of events, was too much.
One of the things I've been told several times recently is that D had no idea that I was upset about certain issues before my final blow-up; this has been hurled at me as "This is your fault, Velma -- you have no right to be mad, because you didn't say anything, so you owe D an apology." The only problem with that so-easy placement of blame is that a number of these conversations, going back through much of 2001, were in AIM, and I have a habit of saving AIM exchanges with my loved ones. I really get pissed when people tell me that something didn't happen when not only do I know it did, but I have evidence that it did. But no one cares about that particular fact, I guess: much easier to keep saying that I never said anything.
(Again, in D's defense, when they last talked directly with me, it seemed as if they couldn't remember how often they'd actually cancelled music dates, or how seldom they'd actually initiated our getting together -- but they were willing to accept that I was telling the truth. His enablers/supporters, however, are now telling me that D doesn't think that that was the case/doesn't remember all the things I do, with the clear implication that I'm exaggerating.)
(I bring up the music stuff a lot, because while it hurts very deeply, feels like a major betrayal, and has affected my interactions with a lot of other friends and acquaintances, it's actually easier for me to talk about that loss. Talking about the loss of the friendship on other levels is much more intricate, and ripped a much more ragged hole in my heart, than I can talk easily about.)
*****
Two tangents
1) At the beginning of the relationship, I kept being warned that it's impossible to argue/fight with D without arguing/fighting with B, D's partner, and that anything that could be perceived as even accidentally stepping between D and B's relationship would be dealt with harshly. I think this is not the case, though the partner is letting inertia end our friendship. and that hurts.
2) Part of the blow-up yesterday had to do with it being hoped very explicitly that I would do nothing to possibly hurt or damage the relationships between Soren, D, and B. But it feels as if there's no such warning being given to D; D is allowed to do whatever they please, regardless of any strain their actions might put on the relationship between Soren and me. . . and I wonder why that friendship is supposed to matter more, and be treated with more care, than my relationship (which includes friendship) with Soren.
*****
I go back and forth between making these posts friends-only, and leaving them public. And there are moments when I feel sure that if D would ever actually talk with me, honestly, and directly, we could resolve things. But I've tried making overtures of friendship, and had them rejected, too many times, by D. I'm tired of reaching out my hand, to have it either ignored or slapped. And I hear rumors that D is afraid to talk with me. Hell, if anyone should be afraid, it should be me -- I'm the one who's gotten rejected and knocked down when I've tried to reach out. If there was/is anything of mutual value in the friendship, D can try to salvage it, and I'll help.
But I won't do it alone.
Fine. We'd only been talking about the situation on and off since January or February, and she can tell me that she had no idea of the magnitude of my pain -- though all through that time, she could tell me how much D was hurting. That's bad enough, to find out that despite all our conversations, she didn't really track on my emotional state, though she acted as if she had. But to have one more person tell me that I was acting crazy ("schizzy" was the word used by someone else, the one who was probably in AIM with both D and me simultaneously and didn't have the guts, nor the grace, to admit it) in my depiction of events, was too much.
One of the things I've been told several times recently is that D had no idea that I was upset about certain issues before my final blow-up; this has been hurled at me as "This is your fault, Velma -- you have no right to be mad, because you didn't say anything, so you owe D an apology." The only problem with that so-easy placement of blame is that a number of these conversations, going back through much of 2001, were in AIM, and I have a habit of saving AIM exchanges with my loved ones. I really get pissed when people tell me that something didn't happen when not only do I know it did, but I have evidence that it did. But no one cares about that particular fact, I guess: much easier to keep saying that I never said anything.
(Again, in D's defense, when they last talked directly with me, it seemed as if they couldn't remember how often they'd actually cancelled music dates, or how seldom they'd actually initiated our getting together -- but they were willing to accept that I was telling the truth. His enablers/supporters, however, are now telling me that D doesn't think that that was the case/doesn't remember all the things I do, with the clear implication that I'm exaggerating.)
(I bring up the music stuff a lot, because while it hurts very deeply, feels like a major betrayal, and has affected my interactions with a lot of other friends and acquaintances, it's actually easier for me to talk about that loss. Talking about the loss of the friendship on other levels is much more intricate, and ripped a much more ragged hole in my heart, than I can talk easily about.)
*****
Two tangents
1) At the beginning of the relationship, I kept being warned that it's impossible to argue/fight with D without arguing/fighting with B, D's partner, and that anything that could be perceived as even accidentally stepping between D and B's relationship would be dealt with harshly. I think this is not the case, though the partner is letting inertia end our friendship. and that hurts.
2) Part of the blow-up yesterday had to do with it being hoped very explicitly that I would do nothing to possibly hurt or damage the relationships between Soren, D, and B. But it feels as if there's no such warning being given to D; D is allowed to do whatever they please, regardless of any strain their actions might put on the relationship between Soren and me. . . and I wonder why that friendship is supposed to matter more, and be treated with more care, than my relationship (which includes friendship) with Soren.
*****
I go back and forth between making these posts friends-only, and leaving them public. And there are moments when I feel sure that if D would ever actually talk with me, honestly, and directly, we could resolve things. But I've tried making overtures of friendship, and had them rejected, too many times, by D. I'm tired of reaching out my hand, to have it either ignored or slapped. And I hear rumors that D is afraid to talk with me. Hell, if anyone should be afraid, it should be me -- I'm the one who's gotten rejected and knocked down when I've tried to reach out. If there was/is anything of mutual value in the friendship, D can try to salvage it, and I'll help.
But I won't do it alone.