MINDFUCK

Prologue

The smell hit first. Little Neck Bay at low tide. Mud and salt. You could taste it on the tip of your tongue. I fished that bay my whole life. It was heaven on earth to me. The water, the quiet, the whole world reduced to a line in the current.

Now I was in it. Car on the rocks. Thirty degree angle. Hood still clear of the water. But not for long.

Through the windshield: the Throggs Neck Bridge. The clouds were orange at the base, graduating slowly to pink, and above that different shades of blue that got darker the higher you looked. The sun sent a line through the water that touched the tips of every gentle wave. The bridge glowed. The water glistened. Boats went by like it was any other Tuesday evening in summer.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

The car was wrecked. The rocks were underneath me. The tide was coming in. I knew all of this and I did not care because for the first time in my life I felt normal.

Peace. Just peace. The chills were gone. The voice silent. The weight of the dark cloud I carried was gone. I could breathe. The boa constrictor around my chest wasn’t there. The menacing faces in the clouds weren’t there. Nobody watching. Just love. The purest love. God’s love. A clear head and nothing to figure out. I knew I was okay. I knew everything was going to be okay. And I felt loved. A warmth in my chest like the first time you hold your newborn child. Except I was on the receiving end. I was the child being loved. That’s what it was. Just that. For a few minutes. Perfection.

I felt God. Right there. In that car. On those rocks.

I was alive. It was a miracle.

Then the chills came back.

I went through the playlist. Did I pass or fail. Every song had to be decoded. Which message was from God. Which was from the devil. Which note meant go forward. Which meant stop. I scrolled until I hit something dark. Henchmen Ride. Testament. Looking back, not a dark song. But at the time, I was going to hell.

I took my phone off the charger. Threw it in the water. Watched it sink.

But the phone was only one place the messages came from. The clock. The check engine light. The beeping. All of it incoming. All of it meaning something. Decide. Now. Make your choice.

The chills cycled through.

You’re an angel.

You’re the devil.

You hit the brakes. You failed the test. You’re condemned.

It’s okay. You’re okay. You can come back from this.

I sat in the wreck while the tide came in. The bridge was still beautiful. That part didn’t change.

Am I here to do something good or destroy everything I touch?

I was alive. That was certain. And that was a miracle.

I didn’t know it then.

This is what my head is like without drugs and alcohol. Without the self medication. No way out of it. So yeah. Three martini lunch. At least that way you’re functional.

This is the mindfuck.

And it didn’t start on those rocks.