Whodathunkit?

When I began processing my grief after Peter’s death by emptying my mind of its thoughts onto digital paper, I honestly had no plan for what I was writing. I simply needed to get the words out.

I shared bits and pieces of the journey on Facebook initially and then here on Substack at the encouragement of others who were reading each piece I wrote. And several times, friends remarked in the comments on my entries a hope that I would do something with all of it… perhaps publish it somehow.

Well… that’s exactly what I’m doing. Who’d a thunk it? (In case you didn’t know what that first word was up top)

I have signed a contract with Tehom Center Publishing, a press publishing feminist and queer authors, with a commitment to elevate BIPOC writers.

And I couldn’t be more excited!

I first came to know of Tehom Center through a winter cohort of their Ministry from the Margins Books program. And it was there that I truly saw the suggestion others have made about the future of my writing taking shape and aligning with a published work.

The book is titled; Grieving Differently: Queering the Stages of Grief, and includes a fair number of the essays I have written about Peter’s death and the widowed life I’ve led since then. And as a queer man grieving the death of my queer husband… well, the title says it all. I am grieving differently in many ways from our cultural understanding of what grief “should” look like.

The skeletal frame of the book relies heavily on the work of renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and grief expert David Kessler. My work with their six stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Finding Meaning) comprises a good portion of the book as I present what it would be to queer each of them.

Now, for some of you the word “queer” may feel a bit out of context for what I’m talking about. Let me unpack it for you.

To queer something is to look at it from another angle, or as I say in the book… from the edges. It is to consider, in this case the standard stages of grief, as something worthy of being questioned. Who does the traditional model for grieving serve? Who isn’t being considered? And how might we broaden the understanding so that different experiences of grief are included?

I found that as I was moving through my own grief after Peter’s death, there were traditional understandings for the process that I embodied from previous eduction on them. And, having never really questioned them, I then felt as if Kübler-Ross’ and Kessler’s stages didn’t fit my experience. So I set out to queer them.

In the book, using some of the essays I’ve written, I show you what this looks like. And with each chapter’s accompanying reflection questions, I invite you to try it for yourself.

Now, what you didn’t hear me say is that this work, in some way, makes the stages more queer… whatever that might mean. I also didn’t say that this understanding of queering grief, or queer grief, is something unique to nor helps solely those in the queer community.

There is much for us all to learn in the effort to queer our grief. And of course, once the book comes out this October, you can see for yourself what I’m talking about.

And yes, that’s right… Grieving Differently: Queering the Stages of Grief is set to be published in early October of this year. Squeal!

I have to tell you, this has been such a wild ride. Having others find so much value in what I have written about my own grief journey and then hearing them share how it better informs their own has been a truly humbling experience. So many people have already told me that my words touch them in beautiful ways, and in some cases have helped people better navigate their own grief.

And that is my hope with this book. That is my hope in putting my reflections and my journey out there for more people to access. I hope that it somehow makes a difference in people’s lives.

I know the writing has made a difference in mine.

So… buckle up! Because these next six months are going to be filled with me gushing about the fact that I have a book being published. I’m going to be like that annoying expectant parent who keeps reminding you every time you see them that they have a child on the way. They show you ever ultrasound image they have and bore you to death with their stories and dreams for what is to come.

Yeah, that’s going to be me. I mean, I’ll try to not be too annoying. However… you’ve been warned. So let the gushing begin.

In fact, just yesterday I received the first endorsement for my book from a bestselling author. And I have three others who are interested in reading it and possibly endorsing it as well… one of which is a very well known author, therapist and grief expert. I’m so excited!

It’s all coming together. Whodathunkit?

In the meantime… between now and October, I invite you along for the ride. In large part because you have been so very instrumental in making this all happen. Your feedback. Your kind words. Your support. They all mean the world to me.

Thank you!

And since my book is not yet able to be acquired… may I invite you to consider books from other Tehom Center Publishing authors, some of whom I know personally, and others for which I am grateful for their work.

Check them out at TehomCenter.org… and tell ‘em Timoth sent you!

And stay tuned! More gushing to come