Today is Valentine’s Day… one day shy of marking the year and a half since Peter died.

18 months

78 weeks

547 nights

And not a moment passes without an image of Peter or the life we shared filling space in my mind.

Yesterday, Friday, February 13, I sat for the third of what will be six sessions to complete a tattoo sleeve on my left arm.

6 sessions

Over the course of 6 months

40+ hours

Lots of pain… and blood… (and money)

And a finished product, a stunning piece of art that will be with me for the rest of my life.

The full sleeve is inspired by images that Peter captures with his camera… photographs of various flowers that he loved…

sunflowers

allium

phlox

clematis

In addition, I’ve asked the artist to incorporate daisies into the overall design (my favorite flower) as well as alstroemeria, the flowers Peter and I always kept in our home - and I still do.

And attending a few of the various flowers are bumblebees created from those also photographed by Peter.

The sleeve is built around an existing tattoo on my forearm which I acquired last spring. It says; “I love you, Blub!” in Peter’s handwriting. And as of yesterday, the new sleeve is covering up an old tattoo with which I’ve long been less-than-pleased... a tribal profile image of Jesus.

Yes… I said goodbye to Jesus yesterday.

The entire process has been cathartic. And it is a process I am beyond pleased to have taken on.

A year and a half in to this wilderness journey has me in a very different place than when Peter’s body was first found.

The boys and I have found a rhythm for life that allows us to thrive even without Peter by our side.

I’ve learned how to balance the parenting split personality of “good cop/bad cop.”

I’ve found ways to maintain routines…

For our boys

For me

For our two homes

I’ve learned how to cook… and how to plan for meals accordingly

And as I have often remarked with a hint of surprise… I’ve been able to keep our boys alive this entire time.

Life has changed drastically since Peter died. I almost feel guilty when I recognize how well we have been able to adapt to his absence.

And than I recognize… we didn’t have any other option. Peter’s sudden death launched us into a way of being that none of us would have chosen. And even though it was forced upon us, we have learned to live differently.

I’ve continued in my work and ministry.

Our boys have continued to thrive in their educational journeys.

In many ways, it’s as if some things haven’t changed at all. And yet EVERYTHING has changed.

And despite all that has changed… I’ve somehow found a way to live.

The tattoo memorializing Peter is bringing me new life.

Watching our boys mature and succeed is bringing me new life.

Leaning into my own self-awareness is bringing me new life.

Carving out time for myself… often with a cigar and a good book… is bringing me new life.

And speaking of books… the effort I have been undertaking, capturing the whole of my grieving experience in words, and the prospect of publishing my first book based on that work, is bringing me new life.

I’ve found a way forward.

I’ve found a way of being without Peter by my side.

I’ve found a way to carry on with all that he has given me.

I’ve found a new life…

And not life void of Peter’s memory or recognition of his immense impact on the entirety of who I know myself to be.

I’ve found a new life… a new way of living… built on what we had… now without him.

And I’ve not done it alone. Peter is still a huge part of my days, my decisions, my moving forward… his love will forever be with me.

In my heart,

my mind,

… my skin.

And… (drumroll, please)

New love has been found.

Love that is giving me new life.

Love that will never replace Peter.

Love that builds on all that he gave me.

Love that meets me where I am… and holds me gently.

Love that is helping me to grow.

Love that…

celebrates my successes,

makes room for my mistakes,

puts up with my quirkiness,

embraces our boys,

Love that welcomes having Peter as part of the journey… and shows me once again what it is to be loved.

Today is Valentine’s Day… one day shy of marking the year and a half since Peter died.

A “holiday” forever acknowledging the love I have for Peter, the life we had together…

and now the new love I have found.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

More to come…