Reverend Hellfire's Sunday Sermon

CONVERSATION WITH A CHARITY

*

The Fool had the temerity to approach me as I was proceeding about my lawful business, wandering aimlessly through the shopping precinct.

He had established his Pitch at the usual spot that Charities, Hawkers and other Mendicants

plied their trade, slap bang in the centre of the busy main Thoroughfare, ambushing you as you came around the corner from the escalators. Working in two man teams, they would lurk there like Moray Eels amongst the coral,

suddenly darting out to snatch their prey

before the prey realised it’s peril.

Indeed, one had spotted me already as I rounded the corner, it was too late to change course.

Automatically he had tensed, quivering in anticipation

as he sensed my Presence, and started to undulate towards me. I could see his face struggling to assume the form of a smile, his lips starting to part to utter some bland inanity like;

Nice hat!

Or

You look like a kind person (I’m not)

or

Do you care about Koalas/ children/ orphans/ orphaned children/ the environment etc et al..

At any rate, some conversational bait

with a financial hook.

But I decided to strike first.

HIIIiii! I said brightly, like he’s my oldest friend who I haven’t seen for awhile and wow never thought I’d see you here, all while smiling with the slightly too fixed Intensity & Open-ness of the Mad & Manic,

“How’s it going man?

I like your T shirt, nice shade of BLUE,

matches your cap and your eyes too, if you don’t mind me mentioning it..

The Charity guys here last week had YELLOW T-shirts.. now I think of it their eyes matched their T-shirts too.. I think they might have been combating Jaundice or Something.. and the week before that they had GREEN T-shirts, can’t remember exactly what they were spruikingor the colour of their eyes, but its a fair assumption it’s got something to do with the Environment. And then there were the PINK T-shirts the week before that, no prizes there for guessing it’s got to do with Women. Or Kids. Or Women with Kids.

Or maybe it was Albino‘s. They did have pink eyes.

So many Charities, so many Colours!

Do you know there are over 58,600 registered Charities in this country?

I worry sometimes that there just aren’t enough colours for them all.

Of course if you were Colour Blind they’re all just shades of GREY anyway, which would be a real problem

if you were a Charity fighting to combat the scourge of Colour Blindness and collect funds from the Public. Maybe they could have a simple BLACK & WHITE Checkerboard pattern.

Or is that already taken?

How about a comparison chart of different colours that the Colour-Blind could carry around with them to hold up against the T-shirts Of Charity Shills so they can tell which Charity it is at a glance?

So anyway, do they give you those T-shirts or do you have to buy them and it’s taken from your wages or are you just issued it when your sent out for the duration of your employment and you have to return it, washed & ironed when you find something better to do.

Now I think of it, DO They pay you or do you work on a Commission basis, getting a percentage or a fee for every colour-blind fish you land?

But look I’m sorry../I’ve probably totally misconstrued your motives, no doubt you are here moved & motivated purely by your core Humanitarian Values and deep commitment to the Cause you are selflessly devoting your Time & Energy towards serving. No doubt you also give generously from your own Funds on a weekly basis.

Sir! I Salute You!

Truly the World would be a better place if more young people were like you.

Indeed! By way of an apology for misconstruing your motivation, I will match your own efforts, and donate, dollar for dollar, every cent you yourself are devoting to this splendid Cause!”

It was at that moment, as he moved swiftly but awkwardly away, like a wounded crab and never looking back, that I really understood exactly how a Cat feels when the Mouse that it is tormenting

finally gives up the Ghost,

and Cat must sadly accept that it’s Toy is forever broken.

                         ***

***

The Reverend Hellfire is a practised Performance Poet,

an Ordained Minister of the Church of Spiritual Humanism,

& lead Vox/Scribe for Alt/Pop Lo-Fi Primitivists; The Tapeloops

“Never smile at a Crocodile..

or on a Catwalk either for that matter.”

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Tags: "The Charity Industry", charity, cognitive dissonance, guilt & charity, humour, satire, social observations