rockst*r / The Sizzle Conglomerate

WHY IS IT THAT

2026-05-30T20:59:15Z

MY POSTS AREN'T SHOWING TO THE PUBLIC.

wtf.

fix it.

help?

Sit With It, Or Don't. 04.23.2011

2026-05-30T02:06:08Z

If you're gonna REALLY full on sit with it, you better add some extra oomph in there with a self-curated soundtrack. Poke around Ren-17 *and* Ren-15, y'know?

Reliving The Eyeliner

Dun dun daaaaah: Eyeliner and Ass Kickin'! Have some 90's psuedometal industrial-esque nostalgia. Now included: Alternative Rock (can it still be called that...

www.youtube.com

I listed to all their albums incessantly in the late 90s and early 2000s. J had this poster up at his apartment before he moved to SD.

Repost (Public); --tagged-- with Alicia D and Brandi H.

Fifteen years ago today there was an amazing time with a cheese buffet, chocolate-peanut butter cupcakes, "Don't Stop Believing" as an entrance song, fantastic friends, and PERFECT weather during an otherwise rainy week.

I got to wear a beautiful dress and extremely high heels, and didn't change out of those heels the entire night thankyouverymuch.

My sister made a week long trip and vacation out of it, my maid of honor was as perfect as the weather, my brother dealt with sickness but then thankfully good health, and then, on what was the best day of my life, I had the joy and honor and true happiness of marrying my best friend. It wasn't just some random party or hella-expensive overly planned Southern California event. It was a whole entire Bob Ross beautiful painting style moment to show everyone hot DANG do these two love each other. Pretty sure I did not stop grinning during the entire time.

(I I giggled during the full ceremony, partially because my heels were aerating the lawn and trying their best to make me fall.)

(I did not fall.)

Every year on April 23rd I take a long time to look through the many pictures, and sit with really amazing memories. This involves coffee and chocolate, hopefully with peanut butter on top. Today I'm going to do that somewhere that overlooks the ocean.

The struggles since then have been real. I done been through it, as we say. At this point I haven't just been on the struggle bus, I *own* it.

The bad things and pain are all quite real, but that day was also real, and it was - without a doubt - the best day of my life.

Most of the pictures are in my FB albums (forever thankful for you, Ivonne!). Here are a few: there's no way I can pick a singular favorite, and there's definitely one where I look like I just told a dad joke to Alicia & J.

I love the people in these photos with all my heart, even more than I love chocolate with peanut butter.

I'm also deeply grateful and thankful and happy that I still get to regularly talk to 2/3rds of my wedding party crew. They are still as magical as they were then. I love all three of them an incredible amount.

Being able to talk to two out of three, aka Alicia & Steve, is FANTASTIC, absolutely... but that third one is still, and will always be, the other half of my heart.

Yes, people have things to say about that. Yes, I know why I asked for a separation. However, I now understand far more about myself and all kinds of brain injuries that all kinds of people get, and when all of it gets mixed up with too much sarcasm and attitude and bad times, you get..... probably the worst cocktail in the world. NOBODY WANTS BLEACH WHEN YOU CAN HAVE CHAMPAGNE, AMIRITE OR AMIRITE

Anyway.

I sit with all these epic memories and will love them plus the people in them, and I will continue to hope (pray, chant, meditate on, ask the cats about, etc) that eventually J will decide to at least be friends with me again. We have a lot of stupid memes to catch up on, that's for sure.

Hope is a tiny poison, but love is far more delicious.

9,131 days ago

2026-05-30T01:52:20Z

9,131 days ago, a lovely gent said "guess we should be Official now. Want to move to SD and in with me?" Pretty sure I've never typed "heck yes" faster (on AIM).

May 28, 2001 was many moons and lifetimes and showers and jobs and gas tanks and laughs and tears and hugs and emails and customer service and shenanigans and cups of coffee and glasses of champagne with a side of whiskey and medications and shoes and jeans and dreams and litter boxes and paintings and therapists and WoW levels and books and libraries and fun and hell levels and demons and angels and great friends and terrible people and PTSD triggers and sunglasses and beach walks and ocean-staring and boat rides and heartbreaks and epic days and awful days and moments of hope and four hundred dollar STK dinner dates and Weird SemiGoth girl and Definitely Goth Woman and white mochas and isolation and abandonment and zero hot air balloon rides and THE INTERNET and gallons of cat hair and Los Angeles parties and early 2000s alt life and llamas and Bob's Burgers episodes and Space Ghost episodes and not nearly enough Del Taco chicken soft tacos and equally lacking amounts of sushi and Laderach Discovery and TRADITIONAL CHINESE MEDICINE and yoga and more books and ACNH and too few hugs and faaaarr too few kisses and all kinds of dance and lots of plantar fasciitis and loss and death and gains and wins ago, that's for sure.

Yep, still deeply love San Diego, and most of all the words above.

shoot, almost score

2026-05-30T01:51:04Z

20, May, 2026.

played my first ever pickup game, it was extremely fun, the team was nice, everyone was kind and helpful, and I'm ULTRA happy right now. every session and every game will not be amazing, but the team energy will be. And yes... I've decided to play my very first game this Sunday. 🤩🏒 I'm on Guardians, game is 5:45p up at the Mira Mesa ice rink. So I think that means I've finally accomplished my goal of being a feral space raccoon 🚀 🦝

i scored a goal on an empty net during the warmup part of pickup, and that means i scored my very first goal.

yep. :3

--
i've had my meds adjusted as of a few days ago. may.... 26th ish. who knows. they seem to help now.

today

2026-05-15T23:35:03Z

i was angry. mad. sad. tired. depressed.

i went and skated about it. played some oldschool bad religion. skated harder.

got in some of what i continue to call 'hockey practice', because at this point it would be slightly inaccurate to call it skating for fun. i skated out my feelings for an hour, and that wore the edge of the anger but then sedated me enough to where all the other Feels popped up to say hello. perfectionism was in there, waving heartily - i'd wave back, but wouldn't do it right - and his voice rang out to say "hey kiddo, you skated like a shit, how bout you do another 20 or 50 drills? you might get it someday. just try again. harder."

i am a perfectionist and hate it, though sometimes it's helpful.

that said, skating on my outside edges is scary even though i can cut in decently with the inside edges.

that also said, i was cautious with my ankle and did some of what maybe was speed skating? power skating? who knows. i went real fast. i got the turns in there. i almost powered over some figure skaters and hot DAMN do i wish they had public sessions for people who have one knife-glued foot up in the direction of your face and public sessions for people who merely put their body weight in the direction of yours.

everyone is fairly polite, though, and i don't hurt badly right now.

today was what i consider a good session, though i don't have those hockey stops on point and i fucking HATE that. if i can figure out how to do it without blowing out my knees - ANY of the stops, for that matter - i'll be pleased.

meanwhile, said my housemate, snow is forgiving and ice is not, so what the fuck am i doing trying to pretend i can stop on said ice as easy as i can while skiing?

life is ridiculous.

...i wish Jason would give me lessons. or teach at me. or hug me. or laugh with me at how full gear makes me feel like Ralphie from Christmas story and yet i'm still afraid to fall. and then maybe shove me gently. or laugh about how i'm only 2 feet tall and i don't have that far to fall anyway. or just be a friend, heckling-ly, but motivational and competitive and beautiful and elegant and strong on ice.

my stops would get better, i think.

ah, bleeding heart, shush. I've told you - heart - before that yes, this is the man i planned to live until eighty years of age with. not in some dull, boring way, but in the way that meant i looked as forward as one can to living and growing and being together with him when he is an eighty year old man. (as if i, a seventy-five year old woman at that time, would retain youthful eternity simply due to his presence, though in a way, i would.)

one decides early on, i feel, to grow old with their partner, their love, their spouse.

i decided that many years ago, not long after i'd met him in 1997.

at present, i will grow old and he will grow old, but - at present - not together.

i can't plead any louder at the universe to hear my requests to please put us back together. i'll bring the painter's tape.

friends: get over it

me: go fuck yourselves

perhaps if i was a doctor - licensed! with my own practice! and clients! and paychecks! - this would be such a different pain: muted, tolerable. but i am not, and instead get to sit in the mire of my Thoughts. they're quite pleased to have me as a visitor, and they never have coffee or tea available.

or chocolate, for that matter.

it doesn't matter, the reasons, for why my life is the way it is today. things have happened and been done by me and to me, and this is not how i'd preferred my life - of education, of career, of financial stability - to turn out, but i have to sit with it and that's that.

the reasons don't matter for the purposes of this writing. and where better than LiveJournal to put things like this? i wrote it all out before, i'll write it out now.

Xanax, children, is a sedative. it is not an antidepressant. i wish that it was.

then again, this is that one External Stressor that does not leave me alone: grief. pain. interior vast empty cavern of nothing that's carved out the space that was whatever i was.

fuck it, i'm going poetic. let's not.

i do not like things right now and i want Jason to be back in my life; with us to have a blossoming healthy fun happy friendship (to start). please. lord. all universe. all everything.

please.

how lame was that

2026-05-14T18:46:53Z

suic1dahl idee-ayshuns into Active Plan into 'sure, why not'. it was a very straightforward unexciting feeling, the way you feel when you know it's time to wash your dishes.

you get told and told and told and referred to and gently told to call your therapist and psychiatrist and the many resources available — which yes, i have a list of, including some friends who make a point of saying GURL DON'T YOU *EVEN* — but i never realized until the past year or so that when you hit the Call Those Crisis People phase, you don't care about calling them. or anyone.

it's a similar feeling to going down your checklist. bland, to-do, typical.

— feed cats
— do laundry
— slice wrists
— xanax until empty
— take out the trash

...you know, simple things.

it'd be more like:

— do laundry
— get gas
— buy good whiskey
— take all xanax and benz0s and wash it down with said whiskey
— feed the cats
— take out the trash
— slice your wrists and inner elbows like they're chipped ham
— be kind to the cleanup crew (put towels down)
— play animal crossing until you pass out
— pay your taxes
— sleep

the basics.

anyway, i didn't, which you can make the assumption about because i'm here to livejournal about it.

fact: while i won't discount all my chronic mental and physical illnesses, i'll also throw in a solid "i never knew the terms Separation and Dissolution also meant Of Your Soul".

yay!

day before fifteen

2026-04-22T22:27:45Z

i want to write, but ................. no. all the thoughts are tired today, and have apparently gone to take a nap.
got a lot done today: helped resell a pet stroller. drafted a concept for my business partner's NFC stuff's instruction booklet. taught myself to rollerblade like i knew how back when. fed the cats. swept the patio. had a cup of decaf. had my housemate side-shave my head. they might not be a barber, but they do a decent job and it's free. basic stuff.

tomorrow though, is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. fifteen years of constantly remembering that Wedding Day was truly the best day of my life. seriously.

i fucking hate that j won't speak to me, or consider even being my friend.
hey, universe. kick me a favor and let those two items just be temporary, because i loathe, with my entire soul, that the other half of my heart is gone. gone gone gone. diamond sutra and all, but real shitty-like.

i'll still celebrate the day though, even if it'll just be me having a cup of coffee looking at the ocean and simply wanting him to be there with me.

..................bleh.

retention @ 2026-03-10T15:29:00

2026-03-10T22:29:27Z

i'm working on writing my book. (IMBYL = i might be your lawyer. that's the title.)

this is not that.

this is the words-equivalent of screaming at the top of your lungs right before you shit-vomit yourself in the middle of traffic. and yes, my Healthcare Professionals are all aware of these feelings of mine (98% of them), but that doesn't make the feelings lessen.

no lie: every night, nightmares and bad dreams show up so fast to be my snuggle terror buddies i no longer want to go to sleep. again. ever. except for the part where i hope a seizure shows up and takes me to Sleep so i never have to worry about any of that, ever again.
waking up for the umpteenth time at who even knows what time with a terror feeling so bad that i took a xanax = the next day (today?) means full day xanax hangover, and unsurprisingly yet again all of those dreams are starring j. sometimes we get together in some sense, sometimes he despises me in some sense, sometimes he gets together with someone else and they both — along with his family and all my friends — laugh at me in every sense, sometimes (oftentimes) i'm having terrible adventures through the maze of huge disastrous buildings or cruise ships trying to save myself and everyone and he's there and becomes kind of my partner in crime and at the ends of the dreams — these are the better ones — we touch, we connect, we hold hands, he gives me a forehead kiss, and it hits that feeling that i had throughout our relationship+marriage as we get out of dodge. but those are rare, the good dreams. the bad dreams aren't and haven't been for years now, and the dream-fog doesn't fade off of me throughout the day... but yet again i'm going to the ice rink today to skate (which does seem to help clear the brain fuzz, a little) and play my first hockey skills clinic whatever. because i want to skate. because i want to play hockey. because of Reasons, but primarily because j — now fifty?? years old??? and me at forty-five??!??? — plays hockey as he has for seriously about forty years, which is difficult to process as far as a time period, and i continue to hope (which is its own poison) that it will reconnect the two of us. my startout puck shenanigans will be on a team in division 5, and he plays division 1. the latter is not news to me; he's played div1 since a million moons ago. and yes, i've gone to the rink for a year this august-ish, and yes, i've sat to watch many games (primarily because i can, i like them, they're free, but MORE primarily) because i want to see him — and also watch him play. he might be an asshole, but he's a great hockey player. (he knows this.) i have a feeling at this point he has seen me sitting in the bleachers, and/or his teammates have, and my ears think they've heard certain sentences, but i don't interact with anyone who's playing. i go, i watch, i go home. it's also helping me study how to play — and understand how physics&ice work, because 'on ice' is when physics doesn't. skating backwards and rabbit-hop micro-turn and whatever i called them reversedroplighting passes are prime examples.

i'll figure it out as i go.

because im approaching this for largely my own middle finger to [all the health crap post-craniotomy 2024 and financial crap and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder and OCD and cyclothemia and probably perimenopause-ish (now) with almost a year's worth of amenorrhea the way grad school WHICH I ENDED UP EXPELLED FROM AT THE VERY END AFTER WALKING THE GRADUATION CEREMONY in 2023 gave me two years (whilst in the program) of amenorrhea) and now feeling like i've lost my entire knowledge of TCM and too many suicidal ideations dancing far too close in ring-around-the-rosie circle and bad reactions to too many daily medications and regular crying every day, for a long time,] i've decided to approach this mountain the way i imagine a newly-made amputee might head into what i'll call a Revenge Ironman. partially because ironman marathons are insane, and a small petty part of me says "how's THAT for Revenge Body, you JERK" but also to myself: gurrrrrrrl, look at them legs! dang!

i'm doing this because i fucking can, especially the more people tell me i fucking can't.

i'm doing it because it's HARD and crazy ambitious to go from (this past jan 10th, my birthday) to skating for the first time in over ten years to now, in march, getting various lessons and doing my on on-ice and on-land hockey drills and buying my own stick and doing the skills clinic and then — soon, as my disability arrives? hopefully? but otherwise tapping into my savings? — signing up for a division 5 league and, a year from now, (financials aside), i WILL sign up for a division 1 league unless my skills aren't quite ready. but i'll say it'll be by this time next june. or august. whenever the season starts.

i'm doing it because I FUCKING CAN. it's hard practice, there's a finite goal at the end (instead of just doing ballet/bellydance which is a lovely yet expensive hobby but i don't get to perform on stage the way i used to with those things), it's not yoga teaching, but it is a fucking PASSION i didn't know i had in a sport that i didn't realize would feel this natural to me. and if any holy being hears my prayers or chants, or my vibes get to the right place, or ANYTHING, then at the very very least j will finally respond to my request to speak to me again because i'm a good safe normal human with a real busted heart who is not existing wholly or properly without him in my life, i fear (and it appears), and say "yeah yeah. hockey tawk over coffee. fine. let's go." and maybe then he'll at least say thank you for the present-box i sent him (and think that he did actually receive) for his birthday. his fiftieth, which, on the box i wrote (happy cake-ieth). i do think he received it, and not getting a thank you, even a thumbs up emoji via text or email or carrier pigeon... that hurt bad like papercuts on the webbing between your thumb and pointer finger; the kind you get from horrible manilla folders, then you dump alcohol on it, and it still doesnt heal for awhile because you have to use your thumb.
it'll never not hurt, but i'll just add that to the rest of my actual physical scar tissue.

anyway (and also), despite my choice to not play goalie (which i truly thought about), i'm gonna play hockey, and i'm gonna score one on j (who is sometimes center but sometimes defense).
if he gave me lessons he might be prepared for that particular slapshot, but stubbornness is a yoke, i'll say.

and i'm gonna stick with my habit to keep wearing red lipstick to the rink EVERY time i go.

"when you feel like crap, wear red lipstick." — some elderly lady

yeah, sure, whatever

2026-02-07T03:04:13Z

i'm now forty-five.

let's see.... since that last update.... haven't had another seizure. that's nice.

— eating: i mean, kind of? food does happen, but not much. the sugar addiction is back so some days i'll eat a bag of oreos and a protein drink and call it good for the day.

— joined the chess championship. that's going okay. i check in every day and play at least one move on whatever my active games are. sometimes that extends to multiple games, and several hours of playing. sometimes it's just a check-in to make sure to not get booted out of the championship.
not getting ANY checkmates for awhile now is frustrating moving into bumming me out real fast. i'll go back to working on it when i go back to working on it. i need to quit beating myself up over not hitting 100% perfection on every single thing immediately.

— my housemates let me use their netflix, but it doesn't always work. who knows why. sometimes the QR code BS hates me, and considering one of my housemates is an elderly lady who owns the account... let's just say i consider it more of a fact that i can't use it, instead of asking her nicely to please check her email or see if she has received a text and then deal with technology through her, so i can watch k-dramas.
and no, i won't pay the $15/mth right now for my own account again.

— ssdi/disability: in progress. was referred to a law firm. they are helpful, and we are working together. they said the outcome seems positive. i'm not looking up potential amounts or any further "what could i get" type of info, because whatever happens with that result is not up to me.

— sleep doesn't.

— reading is still happening. it's going okay.

— chad is good. writing is okay. the other day i wrote for almost five hours and that was great.

— have joined skating lessons (on ice), and gone regularly to those. doing as many public sessions as possible, because the cost for the skate lessons vs paying for each public session = worth it. plus it appears you get graded (?) at the end of the lessons? their Beginner class was full, so i had to start in the Beginner+ class, which is really difficult for me, because you don't take skating lessons just to "brush up on details" the way you do with dance lessons.
i've got all the gear and am padded up like Ralphie. i've been working on forcing myself to fall.
last week i realized Beginner class starts right after the Beginner+ class, stayed for that class, and then did public session right after, per usual. i think i'm going to try to keep doing that (taking both classes in a row) and see if they'll allow for the rest of however long lessons go on for. i think it's ten weeks.
last week though, i skated backwards (across the width of the rink) for the first time ever in my life, and that was fantastic. the week before was absolutely terrible and led into a full week filled with ugly cries and exhaustion and missing my ex with such a passion that i kind of wanted to d13. this may have come from seeing, after lessons ended, the peewee/munchkin kids do the equivalent of "learn to play hockey". they were in so much gear and real excited to get on ice. that gave me the terrible joy of remembering watching him coach kids for awhile, and we'd talked about having kids for awhile. i wanted to have a son with him, so i could watch the son grow up and get taught how to play hockey by his dad, and we'd chosen a name for him.
none of that happened.
i didn't want to go through pregnancy, so i was fine with that part, but the rest... not so much. i've rarely mentioned any of that to anyone.

anyway.
that was a bad week.
yesterday was his 50th birthday. i sent him some items. am not going to check Tracking on them because i requested that the mail service send me a delivery confirmation text or email or carrier pigeon, and they said they'd do it. so... whatever happens with that will happen, but i find myself staring at my phone, hoping to hear that ringtone i set for his contact a long while back.

this will never ever stop hurting.

i believe he'll be playing hockey this weekend, and i will — per usual — go to the game in hopes of seeing him play. it's terrible that i hope, ohh do i hope, for a sign of acknowledgment. a "thank you for these items" text, or a hug. OH a hug. it would be the highlight of my life for over a year now. i don't know if he's received what i sent, but .... i sent them, and that was that. there really is nothing further i can do but faux-sist (faux exist) for the rest of ever, and that's just where i am. my therapist and psychiatrist and doctors and neuro-doctors/surgeons all know about this. i know their phone numbers and emergency numbers, and i take my meds, but i don't enjoy going on.

as i said before, "i don't really do 'happy' anymore". at least earlier today a friend made me belly laugh over stupid Sims related things, so things like that are nice moments to have. i can also try to be positive that my skating tomorrow will go well and i will not get hurt.

anyway. also i've really been enjoying watching the games for a number of reasons, primarily because they remind me of chess. seeing the similarities there is fun. all of this makes me feel somewhat intelligent, and after the craniotomy, everything about me is different. so i am protective of my intelligence and therapies and everything i do to work hard about all of this. (mm. yeah. not going to go into detail on all of that despite the fact that i'll blog for years about it if i allow myself to.)

it'll be hard to skate tomorrow with crossed fingers AND toes, but i'll give it a go anyway. at least my ankle/peroneals/tibialis anterior whatever hurts far less, thanks to getting acupuncture this morning. i do indeed love that, says the acupuncturist who doesn't hold their paper degree in their hand because their former academic dean is a useless lump thrown from a fiery dumpster. i also call them (redacted), or by their legal gov't name: "Academic Dean".

they've done a job of wrecking and possibly ruining my life, that's for sure. now there's an issue with my getting my state acu license because of the mess the former A.D. made for me. currently my life just feels wrecked, but it will indeed be ruined if the license isn't something i am any longer permitted to (sit for the test and) get.

sweet baby jesus and friends, please grant my prayer requests. i can't do this alone anymore.

yoga and acupressure and everything is on hold until it's not. i was granted multiple big fat ugly cries but still need more.

the floor was vacuumed, a bit of organization was done, the calendar was found, and the DMV explained to me that my license was medically suspended until my primary care doc signed off on paperwork to remove the suspension.

i did not know any of this until i went in — makeup done — to renew my license.

i took the paperwork to my primary.

they did not agree to sign off on the paperwork and said "oh it might be years before we do that". a very bland vague sickening answer. then they said "see what your neurologist says".

my neurologist, who charges $180 for a signature, said he will not sign off on it until it has been 6 seizure-free months for me.

that answer was exhausting, but definitive, so that helped. i don't really get to leave the house often but at least can get rides when needed.

in other news, i held the bass and played some bars.

i'd like to go back to sleep now.

to do, perhaps

2026-01-01T01:44:18Z

some days all i can do is make a list. i won't use "having aphasia" as a label, but it's enormously refreshing to stamp a Fuck This label on each moment. i hopepraychantwish that it is temporary, because fighting it is a bad idea.

how about you start eating again. check the to-do app. get on it with them veggies. just gnaw on carrots. you're fine.

2026 chess championship. see if your mind can handle 'how do i get real good at chess real fast'. go back to Red's notes and see what you can pull from there.

netflix — wednesday — blacklist — stranger things — maybe illusionist, maybe not, because J liked that and just ugh my heart ain't down for that yet

SSI? SSDI? do i start with a lawyer?

keep sleeping. it's okay.

enjoy ALL the fiction you're chewing through right now.

how's chad? (IMBYL title — that's one of my many books. chad's the main. )

just because you're not, doesn't mean you can't. you won't.

ice skating. public session $20 ea. GET A HELMET, WEAR THE HELMET. get the gloves and the wrist braces. WEAR THEM. don't fall. if you fall, at least these can help you a bit.

what's yoga? you ready to do anything about that with others? you gonna stream or write or ??????

you need a big fat ugly cry, is what you need.

hey, where did you drop that piece of rice? she says, as she bumps her fork against the bowl of rice and then flips a forkful everywhere.

organize one cubby

find that calendar.

DMV: realID, car reg. fuck the DMVtriarchy.

you ready to hold your bass again and see if it makes any sense at all? reading music is not a possibility right now, but holding the bass is. plus: hand exercises.

what the fuck are you gonna do about CALE? you want to start reading a bit on friday? is TODAY friday?!?!?! what the fuck.

add to as needed.

The Day Seized Me

2025-12-31T05:26:46Z

A couple weeks ago — I say, because time makes no sense — I had another seizure. Technically two. One in the dusty-ass parking lot of a Walmart, and another after they'd admitted me to the hospital. The latter is the safest place to have one of those things (a seizure, not a Walmart).

There are a lot more words in my mind, but they're not getting written out just now.

It's nice that I'm alive, and it's joyfully macabre-ish(?) to know how I'm most likely goin' out when it is the time for me to do so. It'll either be one of those seizures, because they're just ... they're not fun. They involve my blacking out for some period of time. I don't want to get into discussion just yet.

Anyway, it'll be one of those seizures, or some type of aneurysm, ~~or perhaps a stroke~~, or perhaps a bumbaclaaat. Ideally it'll be the way that all of us would prefer: we go to sleep in a nice comfy bed, and we do not wake up again.

Whatever this version of life is is not particularly fun. Yes, there are side effects from the catalyst, event, and medication. Yes, there are side effects, front effects, upside-down backwards effects. Yes, there are some mental health issues. Yes, it makes my grief hard. I have told practitioners & pharmacists my particular brand of fuckery is named "Huaimi" aka Huai Mi aka one of those Chinese herbs that treats hemorrhoids aka we learned it was basically pronounced hWhy Meeeee, because that's how bad them 'roids are.

Yeah.

Also..... dearest heart, love of my life. Having a connection with you — a good one — would amount to some type of healing, tell you hWHAT. (No, truly though. I try my best, but it don't stop my crying myself to sleep on the too-regular.)

I hope you and you and you and you and most of the rest of you never have a seizure. It makes you feel terrified and useless. They are a true horror.

Hello, Interweb?

2025-12-10T18:48:39Z

Dude. I just rejoined Tumblr and just learned the word Simblr and uh. Yes.

Somebody find me this hoodie that I got from Hot Topic in 2001. It did NOT have thumbholes. It had "Bad Kitty" written down the sleeves. I believe it had a red cathead logo over my heart, maybe. It had red zippers and black ears with red inside-the-ears. I wore that until it wore out. And I want it.

retention @ 2025-11-17T20:34:00

2025-11-18T04:34:27Z

Still here, still meh. Finally rec'd the cash I was supposed to receive, so that helped me do things like Eat and Pay Phone Bill.
Hope to take my acupuncture state license exam soon.
Cats are all good and happy and alive, and continue to let me know they've never been fed ever.
Anyway, again: I'm still meh and still 💔, but I'm alive so that counts for something.

retention @ 2025-05-23T21:29:00

2025-05-24T04:29:41Z

i'm still real busted. not in the fun way.

appeal to be re-admitted to the doctoral program was denied.

my settlement $ request was denied. working on getting THAT fixed because damn, a bia needs money to live! and it's not exactly like i can work right now. this latter budgeting part was pre-planned that i'd be using that money starting in 2024 if i didn't quite have one of them there doctor jobs paying me accordingly. bonus: of course i fucking budgeted about that settlement, taking out less than half of it from the account and pretending that the 'less than half' was all the money i was given, and using that to live on until employment happened. BUT because our mediator was terrible at both customer service and paperwork, i've legitimately been chasing this for a solid year now, most especially over the last six months oh my fucking god, on top of the brain surgery? are we serious, universe?

a lot of people think i'd blow the $ on goddamn mani-pedis and buying a boat or whatever. shut the hell up.

anyway yeah. school's .........i don't even know what my next steps are yet to get my degree and my license, but it certainly feels like that will never happen. it feels like i just wasted almost six years of my life and now will be hounded for $180,000 that they're saying i owe for a program i wasn't allowed to complete (the last 140 clinic hours jesus christ)

i went into full on shock for a few days after getting the school's denial (about 2 wks ago) because what the actual hell. then the settlement's denial less than a week after that.

thank you, Therapist, for being alive, because i need the help on keeping myself alive as well.

these days i'm just sitting, staring into space, staring at trees, taking care of the cats. pris — loki — mocha. bleeding and grieving and undone. busted all the way solid.

"it's like if sisyphus and atlas had a baby. that's me." (me, to my Therapist.)

I CAN ONLY WORK SO FUCKING HARD, PLEASE STOP IT, HOW MANY PAST LIVES WAS I TERRIBLE IN FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND ALSO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME MY PARTNER BACK AT LEAST AS A FRIEND

PLEASE

PLEASE, I AM BEGGING FOR EVERYTHING TO GO THE WAY MY HEART WANTS IT ALL TO GO FOR FUCKING ONCE

::screams endlessly::

retention @ 2025-02-13T18:43:00

2025-02-14T02:43:58Z

per a previous entry of mine:

"brak passed away in august of 2018 which ........no words for. lots of giant changes tend to happen to me right around august 20th, always. (oddly enough, walking down the grad ceremony aisle happened august 5th-ish of 2023, and that's part of why i'm real angry about expulsion but whatever. i still got a tassle and am on video walking down that aisle and then just blah. long story."

fat seizure leading to hospital admission: august 25, 2024.
brain surgery due to findings after said admission: august 30, 2024. ish. (i was transported from the hospital to the SNF on september 6, 2024.)

recovery continues on for me. most recent MRI scan reads pretty well, using words like "improved" and no words like "the tumor is back" so that's cool.

recovery grants me the daily joy of living, and the daily 'joy' of what-the-fuck cognitive issues. my still-breaking heart also hurts real bad every goddamn day.

just received the court-stamped dissolution of marriage (or however the legalese reads) in the mail. it was stamped on february 5th, which is jason's birthday. i do not believe that that was a planned date. the gross irony, which continues to burn my heart and stomach ongoingly, is that it is february 5th of the 14th year of our marriage.

my favorite number has always been 14, primarily because that has been jason's hockey jersey number for as long as i can remember.

dear universely beings: please stop. i have long repaid my karmic debts.

it is a terrible process to keep going on and on and on and on with such a huge effort and seeing that yes, failure could always be the outcome. expulsion was a giant setback that is considered a failure of that journey. it can be restarted, somehow. divorce was a failure of a marriage, and that failure did not come from only one side.

i hurt too much to continue typing today.

retention @ 2024-11-19T23:39:00

2024-11-20T07:39:24Z

ditto, still. probably always.

bruh, i don't even know if any html will work on here, so i'll just copy-pasta the words from that one into this one, below here.

— — —

finally received the check for the settlement. it was the largest check i've ever received — actually, the largest amount of money i've ever received at a single time. it caught me off guard and put me into shock, even knowing ahead of time how much it would be for.

i started to tear up in front of the bank manager but managed to hold it together until getting into the car, where i sobbed until almost vomiting. then i went and had a lot of sushi.

i stayed in a weird state of shock for about a day. maybe longer.

part of it, i think, was the memo and memo line: "ex spouse"; "j___ _ _____, a single man, unmarried". seeing that hit me hard in the gut and i still can't process it. so i'm not: it feels like my mind is burying that particular visual.

other than finally getting caught up on bills, getting a bit of new furniture + some self pampering, there's no real excitement or joy.
even those things aren't necessarily cause for celebration, just a sort of flat relief. actually more of an awareness of the final ceasing of continual stress; not that nice draining feeling that comes with relief.

my offer to him still stands. i hate every day without him, and i want to try being Us, but in a new, separate way. a way where we don't live together but still have [with each other] contact, communication, friendship, dating, and whatever else may come of that. (as of 11/19/24, it still stands.)

it's been two weeks since i last saw him, before that it was early december, before that it was september 15. the last day.

i miss him beyond words and want-need his hug right now more than anything.

if i don't keep myself continually busy, the darkness closes in. drinking less now though; same with the xanax. i'm working toward automating my monthly expenses and have really withdrawn into my study cave. the off/on unexpected crying is very draining.

if i pick my head up from this new one-foot-in-front-of-the-other life, there is nothing showing on the horizon that looks good, or peaceful, or joyful. it's grey and terrifying. even the calmer moments i had this week, the relaxing ones that should have cheered me up, were just empty underneath it all.

i'll get through school; move forward to some kind of success, but the Me that gets there will just be going through the motions.

i'll never stop hoping, praying, putting out the energy and vibes, but i'm empty; broken — i don't want to keep waking up to this long grey stretch.

i'm really not Me without Him, no matter how well i do at everything else.

2024 et cetera et al

2024-11-19T04:53:54Z

i don't know what much else to write these days. LJ was real cool back in the day, if anyone reading this remembers.

here's what i just updated on my profile:

--------------------------------------

Update: November 19, 2024:

I'm 43 and no longer a student, nor a doctor, nor a licensed anything. I'm at least registered with my 200-hour yoga teacher certification (2017-2018).

I've been living alone since late 2019.

I had brain surgery this year. Many people helped me, and that has been nice.

J and I worked through paperwork to move from separation to divorce. That's still processing, as of today, but it's not like he'll dismiss it or anything. I was (and continue to) hope that our separation would be more of living apart but still being in each others' lives. That seems to be something he would not prefer, because he's stubborn, but I will always continue to hope he'll someday again feel the way about me that I feel about him.

I'm working very hard on many projects, mostly healthcare.

No matter what happens to me in the future - getting my doctorate, getting my PhD, opening the research center, becoming an author, traveling nationally to speak publicly, et cetera - it may have good effects on me and many others, but the shine will be off of everything without J in my life. As he said, "I'll continue on, but I'll merely exist."

My heart hurts every day, and not just due to the craniotomy recovery challenges.

At least Pris, Loki, and Mocha are here with me.

I still miss Brak.

--------------------------------------

in general, here's what's going on with me now....

uh, i got expelled out of grad school with nothing left to do other than treat my last 140 patients as a senior intern. that was in dec 2023.

brak passed away in august of 2018 which ........no words for. lots of giant changes tend to happen to me right around august 20th, always. (oddly enough, walking down the grad ceremony aisle happened august 5th-ish of 2023, and that's part of why i'm real angry about expulsion but whatever. i still got a tassle and am on video walking down that aisle and then just blah. long story.

j and i started up with a separation in 2018, filed officially in nov 2019.

2020.........covid.

lost my financial aid, my job, my career, my best friend slash husband, my everything in general is what it feels like.......yeah.

he wanted to move it from separation to full divorce in march of this year.

in august of this year 2024 i had a weird giant seizure which kicked me into the hospital where they said "hey you have a giant benign brain tumor taking up the left front third of your brain so we're gonna take that out." and then they did. via craniotomy. and that changed my entire life, pretty much making me into a completely different person (ish). i'm still recovering and it's nov 18th. recovery will go on for a long time, but i can't work any harder than i am. the "cognitive issues" have deeply opened all my feelings, emotions, challenges, abilities to read/write, all kinds of things. recovery there is MUCH harder than the physical recovery, and i really need to get a goddamn psychologist to respond to my phone calls and pretty please set me up with an appointment.

also, maybe more than zero xanax would get me some better sleep at least once per week.

i could go on about my current everything, doing a med billing/coding certification program all online, educational plans, craniotomy research center plans, all of that. but truly, so much of it so often feels like without my other half it has lost so much of its meaning and shine.

i'll move forward with all my goals and plans, and do my best at doing my best, and still enjoy the successes and helping people. but the gas in this engine sure doesn't go as far per mile or whatever metaphor you want to use.

maybe i'm just a ghost these days, getting to survive surgery and two suicidal almost-plans over the last year, which means HEY THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP BEING GREAT IN MANY WAYS, but i'll tell you........ without him, as he said, "I'll continue on, but I'll merely ...exist."

ditto over here, love. absofuckinglutely ditto.

long day/month/year. please have a better time of it than i am.

yep

2022-02-02T04:11:41Z

previous post: ditto. the empty space inside of me is there to stay.

my long-time therapist retired last month. bummed AF about that, but my psychiatrist and primary docs are the same. going to try continuing talk-therapy with the same doc who did my EMDR sessions. those were successful, and she is a pleasant lady. talking with her is going to be both unpleasant and rewarding, because she is good at her job.

my meds have been adjusted, readjusted, and i've tried some herbal formulas. the latter is working okay because i'm not constantly exhausted. acupuncture helps. so i'm putting in the work, and it's getting me through the days. downsized my possessions and threw a lot of crap away.

the 'friend' who was going to be a roommate did not become one. she did, however, earn those air quotes around the term 'friend'.

i play ACNH almost daily, keep my nose in the books, do the schoolwork, go to sleep, wake up. my crew of friends is small, but we all check in regularly and keep each other accountable sometimes just to.... go take a shower and maybe eat a piece of bread or whatever. recently acquired a roommate; she is in the same program at my school and we get along. the cats like her, she's quiet/clean, and she can pay the rent.

beyond that, the world is a mess and i feel deeply alone. everything is dead and flat. managing my mental health is a full-time job that i am very tired of.

i miss jason and no longer enjoy life.

words

2021-05-17T08:02:19Z

my other social media posts are different than my journal entries. LJ has always been a good spot for that.

i don't have a lot of happy posts here anymore. this one isn't going to be, either, but at least i can write somewhat more unfiltered than in other places.

moved into my current place in november 2020. it's nice. i was going to have a roommate but that didn't work out, much to my financial chagrin, especially after upgrading to a 2bd from my planned 1bd specifically for her.

her new eta is this july. here's hoping that goes as planned.

uh... i'm still in school full time, mostly online. working 3 part time jobs. when i'm not working, i'm studying. making a little art here and there. playing lots of animal crossing. trying to get some exercise in. not time-travel drinking. not xanaxing to sleep every night. definitely scheduling my days down to the hour. that part is exhausting, but keeps me from thinking about how EVERY DAY IS EXACTLY THE SAME.

it's exactly. the. fucking. same.
sleep, coffee, food, study/class, work, repeat. for a year and a half, this has gone on. maybe a little social interaction. maybe a client, or a doctor's appointment, or groceries. but it's the same lyric over and over: time marches on.

FACT:
it took a LONG time to find that song ( https://youtu.be/yVYerZqeSZI?t=83 ) from just a snippet in my head playing endlessly. back in my workin'-at-the-club days, that was a frequent song i danced to. forgot that it was metallica remixed by dj spooky, off the spawn soundtrack. i remember the outfit i wore the first time i danced to it.

....oof. also forgot that was about six lifetimes ago, and forgot the type of music/art/etc i enjoyed. ps — when your heart dies, your love for art and everything else kind of goes out the window. listening to music is a whole new experience that i've had to change entirely, and i'm grateful for finding Twitch. music hurts a lot these days.

said all that to say this:

i guess you don't get over separation. you just live with this dead-inside feeling and that's how it is. you exist. that's it.

some days aren't as bad. i've got goals, projects, decent things happening. my house is in a good area; beautiful landscaping, nice amenities, extremely comfortable. i do really love this apartment and don't want to leave it ever. i actually often don't leave for several days at a time. some days i just sit on my couch for hours and watch the sky change from light to dark.
the view is great and the whole complex feels very safe and healthy. it hasn't felt safe to walk around by myself at any time of day for a real long time. there are lots of dogs here but it's clean - the cleaning crew does an amazing job. everyone seems fairly peaceful; neighbors say hello to each other. i mean... it's nice.

in attempts to feel 'better', a couple months ago i signed up for bumble and some other dating apps. bumble was the only okay one. i didn't want to go on any Dates or even start Dating, but thought maybe i could meet a cool person or two. maybe somebody to take my mind off how bad my insides hurt.

chatted to a few folks. they were alright. multiple hockey players on those sites (of course). when it became apparent that they were hockey players here in SD, i politely let them know i appreciated the thumbs up but they all had to go on my ban list — no mas hockey players for me, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is Everybody Knows Everybody. i can't. it would hurt too much. plus i could never imagine seeing somebody new and oh-let's-go-watch-them-play and then possibly run into people and just no. No.
there's only one hockey player i want and it ain't any of them. plus it would be self-sabotaging and unkind; unconsciously trying to get them to fill his shoes. the responses i got were all very understanding, thankfully.

out of everyone i chatted with, one dude had follow through with proactively asking me out. he was pleasant and had good grammar. despite not being really attracted to him i gave it a chance: we had some mutual friends/interests, he seemed to be stable (car, job, living on his own, etc). sure, let's meet and see if we get along. that was about all i had any hope for, with no intention for future plans.

about 2 weeks after initially chatting, we agreed to meet up. i actually got nervous and spent most of the day prepping mentally and physically. took some time getting ready. shampooed-conditioned-blowdried-etc my hair. gave myself a little manicure. drew my eyebrows on.

we got together for dinner — not coffee & donuts as originally planned. (i was a little displeased about that because several things relating to this outing had not gone as planned.) that should have been a sign.

anyway, we did manage to meet up and the short version is, as they say, I shaved my legs for THIS?

......................

so yeah that'll be juuuuust about enough of that. -*eyeroll*-

what a waste of an evening. the food was good, at least. (we split the bill.)

(we did hug. the hugs were okay. he was not pushy or grope-y.)

but...
after that debacle of seriously wasting my entire evening, i'm done. (this reminds me i need to figure out how to deactivate my bumblecupid whatever accounts. i think you can use those sites for networking on a side platform, like a subdomain or some shit, but i don't know.)

i have no real desire to date anyone and zero desire to seek that type of companionship out. i barely even want new friends and don't care about kink much any more, because the co-mingling of drama and pandemic killed it for me. i for sure don't want an intimate connection and don't have it in me to D/s at people even in a service perspective. it feels bland and grey. looking at all my swag and implements is kind of nice, but it'll never be Leather Pride 2018 Newly Won or My First DomCon or My First PartyTime or Ellen's Fancy Lady Teatime With Actual Crumpets ever again. it won't be the same. and with FUCKING COVID, who even knows what will happen anyway.

i miss getting dressed up and going to parties and feeling Infamous, and i miss my friends, but i don't think it's possible to make those type of connections again. talking to people has made me realize that there is a huge component of folks who, should we become friends, will not understand or take seriously the priority and effort that is going into my schooling. i don't have the energy it takes to collect more friends, let alone seek out more than that.
for 'more'... if i do make a new friend outside of school, that might happen to be attractive in all the right ways, they'd have to understand that school is first for me, AND they'd have to be attracted to me as well. EL OH EL yeah good luck with that.

that is just way too many factors in play, and i have not enough energy or self esteem or care-to-do-so.

this is why i bury myself in study and work. this is why i go and go and go until it's time to crash, and why i ignore most non-mandatory communication. it keeps me away from focusing on how badly messed up i am inside. nightmares are a regular occurrence. lately they're more like Uncomfortable Dreams instead of the screaming night-sweat horrors that they once were, but they're still real unpleasant. so that means forcing insomnia because if i'm asleep, the dreams will come.
but if i'm awake, the thoughts will come.

there is no break.

whatever i am now as a person just moves forward, one day and one task at a time. there are good moments; sometimes my friends make me laugh until i cry, and sometimes i can nap without remembering dreams. the cats keep me company. i know my friends care about me. i know where my career is going. but mostly i just see myself as an automated consumer who is going through the motions of each day while waiting for death. one morning, i will no longer be. it'll just happen. and knowing that the other half of me is all gone has made it worse. maybe the comfort here is at least being able to come to terms with that, even though i haven't. i can type it, but that's all. my brain is being nice to me in that regard — it's just building walls and walls and walls. nobody's getting in, and i'm not going out.

this might truly be the part where i can say that i don't give a fuck about what all but one person thinks about me. it's kind of comforting. i'll keep going, basically dead inside, but the remaining soft part of my heart belongs (now, and always) to the person i married, and that's all there is to it.

yeah, looks like this wasn't one of my happier posts. i don't know if i can do those anymore.

october

2020-10-15T05:12:44Z

i generally love this month, and it makes me sad to not have the energy to love it, despite its rapid -blip- of passing.

getting ready to move to a new space. maybe it'll be halloweenish decor over there until christmas, but i damn sure don't have the energy or (inclination, really to spend) the funds to make it look good.

maybe i'll stick with my new tradition of One Weird Ornament. last year's — my first — was a leatherman aka "biker bear" by december diamonds. they're amazing, hilarious, and really well made. there's a christmas shop somewhere near PCH/downtown that has a billion christmas things, so i wandered in there at random, wanting to begin my very vintage collections. instead of dropping $$$$$$$$ on something reminiscent of what i grew up with, found that bad boy and decided that yep, it would be mine.

ooh: that reminds me that they have a giant halloween section. time to pay a visit when i next get paid.

in other news... my new shiny apparently isn't gonna be 'my' anything, and i still miss _.

feh. :(

retention @ 2020-08-26T21:00:00

2020-08-27T04:00:40Z

well, that didn't work. :(

oh?

2020-02-21T09:21:53Z

Yesterday, for the first time since I can't remember when, someone made me blush. I don't know if that was their intent, as they are a new acquaintance, but it happened and was extremely pleasant (once my fluster calmed down).

But now I'm all kinds of caught off guard: utterly unexepectedly, the inside of my chest has had a continual warm glow for most of today because of that moment.

I think...just for once...I'll try to simply enjoy the feeling. If the Universe wants to be kind to me, I'm down for that.

side note

2020-02-16T07:35:39Z

i bought a new bra today, from honey birdette, a fancy australian-based shop in utc. it's their "samantha" red bralette, and i have never worn anything so comfortable. it didn't need any break-in period, it fits perfectly, and makes me feel very feminine and sexy.

i wish i could show him.

empty

2020-02-16T06:07:00Z

i started to tear up in front of the bank manager but managed to hold it together until getting into the car, where i sobbed until almost vomiting. then i went and had a lot of sushi.

i stayed in a weird state of shock for about a day. maybe longer.

i miss him beyond words and want-need his hug right now more than anything.

i'll get through school; move forward to some kind of success, but the Me that gets there will just be going through the motions.

i'll never stop hoping, praying, putting out the energy and vibes, but i'm empty; broken — i don't want to keep waking up to this long grey stretch.

i'm really not Me without Him, no matter how well i do at everything else.

retention @ 2020-01-16T11:54:00

2020-01-16T19:54:26Z

this week has been very dark.

that's about all.