My Journey

Gettin' Hitched

2013-07-15T04:43:15Z

Yup... That's right. We've finally set a date. August 15, 2013. For more info, see our wedding announcement at www.zig-saw.blogspot.com.

restlessgypsy @ 2012-10-07T13:20:00

2012-10-07T20:20:09Z

On September 21, 2012, during a short get-away to Glacier National Park, we hiked to Trout Lake...

He asked....

I said yes!!!

restlessgypsy @ 2012-08-31T13:03:00

2012-10-07T20:05:10Z

"The Church is a whore, but she is my mother."

This quote is attributed to both St. Augustine and Martin Luther and I'm not sure which is accurate. Either way, it is a powerful, shocking, offensive and TRUE statement!

I want to share my thoughts on this... another time, perhaps.

Still alive.

2012-08-02T21:02:04Z

A newer friend recently stumbled upon my other, more public blog the other day. She asked me why I stopped writing and why I don't write for a living. I haven't posted anything on either of my blogs in 8 months. I've mentioned it before, but I feel like I've lost my muse. I'm not inspired to write very often and when I am, I'm nowhere near my computer or pen and paper. Then I lose the inspiration or thought process or I'm too tired or agitated to sit down and write.

I don't have internet access at my house and although I finally got a smart phone, I've found the Blogger and LJ apps to be lacking. Maybe I should just ease back into it and just write short posts for a while and see if my muse returns.

Today I felt horrible when I woke up so I called in sick for the first time since I started my job 3 1/2 years ago. Around noon, I was starting to feel a little better, but desparately needed coffee so I stumbled the 3 blocks to the nearest coffee shop, laptop in tow. I haven't even turned my computer on in MONTHS so of course, all my anti-virus programs had expired and everything is "updating" and making my computer run incredibly slow. So, if I'm still here and still feeling well enough, perhaps I'll write more.

It doesn't appear that very many of my F-list ever post anymore. Only two of you show up in 3 pages of the Friends posts.

Settling for Good Enough

2011-12-29T05:52:16Z

I recently read Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. I first saw this book this past summer while shopping for a gift. It caught my eye so I picked it up and read the back. I was in a hurry and quite broke so I made a mental note to pick it up when I had a few extra bucks to spend on myself. Over the last six months, I've thought about the book a lot and I finally purchased the ebook for my Kindle late last week after a conversation with a couple girlfriends about my relationship with Ken.

I'll start by saying that the title is a bit misleading. The book wasn't exactly making the case for settling, but rather for reevaluating what you think is important and compromising on the superficial things. Most of us girls are taught to be confident and have a high self-esteem. We are taught to NEVER SETTLE for less than we deserve and, well, we deserve nothing but the best, of course. We grow up with all these fairy tales about knights in shining armor and valiant princes and we believe that someday our prince will come. We think our soul mate will show up one day out of the blue, sweep us off our feet and we'll live happily ever after in a harmonious and passionate relationship. Okay, so maybe we realize there is no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect relationship, but we're bound and determined not to settle and we overlook some wonderful men in our search for that elusive Perfect 10 (even if in reality, we're only a 5 or 6)! At the beginning of a relationship, we tend to focus on all the wonderful qualities our man possesses, but before long, we are picking apart everything he does, comparing him to every other guy we've known and focusing on his imperfections. We decide that we want more... something... and we jump ship looking for whatever that something is. Meanwhile, we are oblivious that we don't have the very qualities we expect our man to have.

How many of you ladies have (or had) THE LIST? You know the one - it usually starts something like this: tall, attractive, kind, funny, stable... and it goes on and on and on. Every time you break up with a guy, you add things to the list that he wasn't or you modify existing attributes (i.e. funny, but not corny; stable, but not married to his job). The older you get, the more time and experience you have to refine the list and before you know it, you really are looking for Mr. Perfect. Then you meet a guy who has most of the qualities on the list, but he's short, or balding, or maybe a little older or heavier than the person you pictured and you don't give him a second thought. This book addresses all of those things and encourages women to not judge a book based on it's cover, but to open yourself up to finding happiness with someone you wouldn't necessarily expect. (I mean, how many single, tall, dark, handsome, rich, funny, adventurous, supportive, age appropriate men with a full head of wavy locks and a desire to settle down and have a family do you think there are out there? Certainly not enough to go around!)

I wanted to read this book because of where I am in my own relationship. I absolutely love my boyfriend and am eternally grateful for him. He's loving, kind, supportive, compassionate, and so much more, but I'd be lying if I said I'm always content in the relationship. There are days when I think of an ex or of someone else's relationship and I wish Ken had some of those qualities. I'll have easy, witty banter or a deeply intellectual or spiritual conversation with someone and wish I had that with Ken. I'll remember the passion of a previous relationship and wish I had that with Ken. I'll hear about or witness some gesture or quality and wish that Ken was more like that. I go through phases where I find myself focusing on the qualities that he doesn't have instead of the amazing man that he IS. The thing I need to remind myself of when I'm going through one of these phases is that those past relationships ended for a reason. I compare Ken to those men, but those men hurt me deeply. There may have been intellectual banter or a shared faith or spontaneity or passion, but there were also lies, betrayal, abandonment, instability and passion. (The thing about passion is that when it's good, it's great; but when it's bad, it's awful! It's a double-edged sword.)

I do strive to focus on the positive and most of the time Ken makes that very easy. He is thoughtful and generous. He supports me in everything I do, donates to every cause I participate in, buys me flowers for no reason, tells me he loves me ALL THE TIME, compliments me and believes in me. He surprises me with weekend get-aways and unique experiences and steps out of his comfort zone and is willing to try new things. He doesn't even like coffee, but he bought me a coffee maker for his place, learned how I like it and makes it for me on those mornings I'm there. He doesn't drink wine, but he keeps a bottle or two of my favorite at his place for me. He apologizes when he's wrong, laughs at all my jokes, encourages me, cooks for me, takes care of me when I'm sick or sad or just feeling lazy. He took amazing care of me when I was recovering from surgery. He is the most selfless man I've ever met. He is completely focused on my fulfilling my needs and desires, even if he doesn't share them. And he genuinely thinks HE'S the lucky one!

I don't feel like I'm settling. I do feel like I am more realistic than I was even just a few years ago. He may not be everything on my mile-long list, but he has all of the qualities that I NEED and many that I want too. He is enough! In fact, he's more than enough and far more than I deserve. I know I'm the lucky one in this relationship and I'm so thankful we found each other.

Bookworm - Part 3 - 2011

2011-12-28T03:43:06Z

Seeing as how the year is just about up, I should probably record the rest of the books I've read this year. I posted some on March 2nd and more on July 4th, totaling 25. Here's another 22.

Eclipse - Richard North Patterson
Tell No One - Harlan Coben
7th Heaven - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
8th Confession - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
A Thousand Acres - Jane Smiley
The Final Detail - Harlan Coben
Gone for Good - Harlan Coben
Dark Room - Andrea Kane
Hard Truth - Mariah Stewart
The Next Accident - Lisa Gardner
Alone - Lisa Gardner
Nowhere to Run - Mary Jane Clark
Devil's Corner - Lisa Scottoline
Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) - Carol Tavris / Elliot Aronson
First Daughter - Eric Van Lustbader
A Very Simple Crime - Grant Jenkins
Pray for Silence - Linda Castillo
The Last Child - John Hart
The Hanging Tree - Bryan Gruley
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - Lori Gottlieb
Accountable to None - Ashley Fontainne

I didn't quite hit the "one-a-week" goal, but 47 books in a year isn't so bad, I guess. Ken gave me a Kindle for our 3 yr. dateversary and I'm loving it so far. I've downloaded several classics for free and am looking forward to reading those.

Non-stockings

2011-12-10T03:38:20Z

Ken and I have our very own Christmas tradition of non-stockings. One year, we both just happened to use paper bags instead of stockings. Gift bags, boxes and santa hats have also been used. I'm having a hard time coming up with something clever this year. I know it doesn't really matter what I use, but I thought it would be fun to do something unique. Any suggestions?

Instead of spending lots of money on gifts for each other, we agreed to use that money for vacation in February. We're going to Mazatlan and I couldn't be more excited! I haven't been to Mexico in almost six years and he's never been. I've never been to Mazatlan so I'm excited for a new adventure. Life has been far to boring as of late. So even though we aren't doing big gifts, we decided to still do non-stockings and set a reasonably low spending limit. So far, Groupon has been my friend! There is no shortage of ideas for stuffers, I just need something to stuff.

restlessgypsy @ 2011-10-17T21:41:00

2011-10-18T04:41:34Z

I love house-sitting. Free laundry, cable and internet. And there is usually at least one great amenity - a hot tub, fireplace, super comfortable bed, heated floors, huge bathtubs, large deck overlooking the city lights, etc. This place has all of the above except the hot tub.

The only down side of this place is the cats. I'm not a cat person to begin with. Throw in an 18 yr. old cat with tumors who vomits, a 16 + yr old cat who jets outside as soon as you open a door and hates having to come in at the end of the night and a "guest" cat who continually hisses at the other two cats and the dog and when he's not doing that, he's meowing at me and climbing all over everything and it just get to be a little annoying.

All in all, it's been a decent job. This is my first time house-sitting for this family and I was more than a little surprised to find an envelope with my name on it containing $200! I still have a hard time accepting money for a temporary housing upgrade!!! I love the dog and I love all the amenities so if it weren't for the cats, I'd feel like I owe them money. I think I'll just take $50 and leave the rest.

Writer's Block: Freewill vs. fate

2011-10-15T19:22:32Z

I've contemplated this a lot in my life. There have been times when I've met someone and felt very strongly that it was fate. I once met someone who I immediately felt a connection with and was strongly attracted to. I even went so far as to call it "love at first sight" even though I had never before believed in that notion.

My whole life growing up in a church, I was told that God has ONE perfect person for you and that when you meet that person, you will know. I believed this. When I met the man who would become my husband, my dad asked me what was so special about him and I answered that I just knew in my heart that he was "the one." My dad responded that he didn't believe there was ONE person in this world that we are destined to be with, but rather several people (or maybe even several hundred people) that we could be compatible with and love. I agreed that, sure there could be those people and if I were to marry one of them, perhaps I'd enjoy my life and all, but it wouldn't be the same, fulfilling relationship than if I married "the one God had for me." I was determined NOT to settle for just good enough. He reminded me that we all have free will and asked what would happen if "the one" chose to move to Africa or chose to marry someone else in the heat of the moment or what if he died. At the time, my response was, "well then, he wasn't really the one." In my naïveté, I missed his point.

After my divorce I thought for sure that another love just wasn't in the cards for me. After all, "the one" chose someone else and if I found someone else, I'd just be settling. Then, to my surprise, I met a man I believed to be my soul-mate. After a timultous affair, that ended too. It's taken some time, but I've loved enough to know that there isn't just one person that God put on this earth for any of us. If that were the case, then all that talk about God giving us free will would be a lie and if that person's free will got them killed or led them far away, there would be a lot of lonely people on this earth.

I believe that a lot of times, we mistake those feelings of instant attraction or connection for love. True love, though, is a choice. It's a choice we make every day. Sometimes that choice is so effortless that it doesn't feel like a choice at all. But there are days when the person we "fell in love with" does not appear attractive to us and we don't feel that closeness or connectedness with them, but we can still choose to love them. Love is a verb. It is an action. It is a choice we make regardless of our feelings in that moment.

Writer's Block: Blast to the past

2011-09-10T03:16:44Z

I'd tell her/me not to worry about being a late bloomer. I'd tell her that she's going to end up having boobs that are so big she'll hate them and end up getting a breast reduction anyway.

I'd also tell her not to worry so much about her crazy family. She turns out alright in spite of everything.

Writer's Block: Freaky Friday

2011-09-10T03:14:05Z

I love this question. I would, of course, have to experience sex and masterbation from a guy's perspective and feeling. Aside from that and peeing standing up, I can't think of anything guys can do that I can't do just as well.

Optimists Creed

2011-09-03T02:09:48Z

I'm a HUGE Dutch Bros fan and lately, they've been posting snippets from their "Dutch Creed" on facebook. I was on their website today for other reasons and they said they just adopted "The Optimists Creed." I think I need to adopt it as well. Who's with me?

The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself ...
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Calgon Take Me Away

2011-08-18T03:53:27Z

I'm in desperate need of a break from... well, everything and everyone. I don't like how I feel or who I am right now. I've lost confidence, faith, hope, compassion and joy. I don't love ME right now so it's no wonder I'm having a hard time showing love to anyone else. I need a solo vacation - an escape. I need to get my head screwed on straight and examine my heart. I need to figure out what it is that is making me so miserable lately, draw it out and deal with it.

...But, I'm broke.

Family Update

2011-08-18T03:45:24Z

The court awarded custody of the kids to mom and Saul again. They’ve had them on a trial basis for about three months and now they have permanent custody. There was only one condition – that they get one of my brothers tested for learning disabilities. They agreed to do so, but mom made it clear she’d be home schooling the children this year. Either she doesn’t truly care about their educational success or she is still in denial that there are problems. Regardless of her reasons, she is going to allow her pride to hinder the kids’ education and thus, their future. I feel so bad for them.

At the end of the day, they ARE her children and she IS their mother and it is her right to raise them as she sees fit. No one else has to agree or like it. I pray that her eyes are opened so that she can clearly see the damage that her pride and her actions (and inaction) has caused them. My first concern is their physical safety, but I’m not even convinced they are safe. I have a feeling that as soon as Saul is off probation, they’ll leave the country and not come back until the next time he beats the living daylights out of mom. Hoping I’m wrong, but… (Say it with me)

“WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!”

Writer's Block: Dear Abby

2011-08-06T21:50:27Z

The best advice I've ever received is, "When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!"

I have the tendency to believe that certain people have grown up or changed and I want to believe the best about them. But the fact is, that certain people continue to use me, hurt me, disappoint me and for some reason, I'm always shocked, even though it's happened so many times before. I've finally learned this lesson.

I wish the ones I love would learn it too.

Update

2011-07-15T03:34:12Z

Ken turned down the Walla Walla position, but told the district manager he hopes he will still be considered for transfer when a job opens up in the Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area.

Mixed feelings. I'm happy he finally made a decision. As much as I hate Moses Lake, I had concerns about the Walla Walla store. But oh, how I loved our visit to that beautiful town.

I think I'm just ready for a change of scenery so part of me was hoping this was our opportunity. I guess I'll keep being patient.

Choices

2011-07-09T03:26:10Z

Some decisions seem to be unreasonably hard to make. This choice Ken has to make regarding Walla Walla is one of them. We got in a bit of an argument last night over the way he is handling it (or rather, how he is NOT handling it). I've voiced my concerns and my questions in hopes that he would find out the answers to them, but he's done little to address those questions with the district manager. Short of writing out another list of questions for him (I did that for his meeting with the store manager), or picking up the phone and calling the district manager myself, I don't know what else to do. Ken seems to shy away from any interaction that could be interpreted as questioning his authority or intentions or anything that could change a superior's view of him for the worse. He doesn't like conflict either. However, the district manager doesn't seem to be completely above board and it certainly doesn't seem like he has Ken's best interest or even his preferences at heart. An opening for an Assistant Store Manager (ASM) recently came up in the Spokane/Coeur d'Alene area and they actually filled it via promotion instead of offering him the transfer when they know full well he is dying to get back here. The DM wasn't honest with the WW store manager and it just all seems a little shady.

I just handle things so much differently when it comes to work. I have no problem calling someone on their bullshit (respectfully, of course) or insisting on honesty and full disclosure when it affects my job or my life. I can be a bit of a bulldog in that regard. Ken is much more passive and it's hard for me to understand.

I struggle with trying to find balance between being the supportive and understanding girlfriend and telling him to grow a pair and take control of his destiny. I just feel like he's sometimes too passive. He keeps saying he's afraid of losing me. I told him that if anything will push me away, it is his refusal (or fear?) to communicate openly with me.

I think it just bothers me more in this situation because his choice will have a huge impact on my life and my options. Either I will move with him or our commute to see each other will double. I want him to make an informed decision because if he doesn't, he'll face some big regrets down the road.

Locks of Love Donation May 2011

2011-07-06T04:10:14Z

Before Locks of Love donation - May 2011

After Locks of Love donation

Writer's Block: Singing in the rain

2011-07-06T03:26:56Z

Amazing Grace. It's a beautiful song and the acoustics in my bathroom help my voice sound so much better.

Bookworm

2011-07-05T04:31:42Z

I'm one book behind in my goal to read a book per week.

To add to the list I posted on March 2nd, here are more books I've read this year to date.

Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen
Forever Odd - Dean Koontz
Four to Score - Janet Evanovich
One Cold Night - Kate Pepper
Something Borrowed - Emily Griffin
Map of Bones - James Rollins
5th Horseman - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
6th Target - James Patterson / Maxine Paetro
The Starter Wife - Gigi Levangie Grazier
The Land of Women - Regina McBride
The Rule of Nine - Steve Martini
The Templar Cross - Paul Christopher
Relentless - Clair Poulson
The Bodies Left Behind - Jeffrey Deaver (audio)
The Girl's Guide to Homelessness - Brianna Karp
Blood Lust - Sarah Clapham

Given my financial situation, I usually just raid the bookshelf at work, but if anyone has any must-reads for me, I could use some fresh ideas. I do love non-fiction too, despite my current list.

Winds of Change...

2011-07-05T03:48:06Z

So much has been going on the last month or so.

May: Trip to Arizona. It was Ken's first trip and I spent about half of my childhood there so we had to balance visiting old friends (for me) and seeing new things (for him). My friends seemed to really like Ken so that's always a good thing. And Ken seemed to love one of my favorite places in the country. He even said on several occasions that he could see himself living there. The weather was perfect - mid-90's most of the week. We hiked at Picacho Peak, saw Montezuma's Castle, drove through Sedona and visited the Grand Canyon and even got in a game of golf and a trip to a water park. After the horrible spring we've had in Spokane (it snowed two days before our trip), it was just so relaxing to be out in the dry heat, soaking up the sunshine. We found cheap airline tickets, a cheap condo and a great deal on a rental car. The cost of the trip, not including food and gas, was just under $1000! Ken happened to win $1,000 playing Black Jack the week before we left so the casino paid for the trip. Can't beat that!

I also cut my hair and donated 11 inches to Locks of Love. I'm digging my new 'do. Perfect for summer!

And then of course, my birthday was the 21st. It was pretty low key, but I definitely felt the love! Hard to believe I'm 33!

June: I applied for a job at Spokane Transit Authority. I rocked my first interview, but found it a little odd that when I asked my questions toward the end of the interview, I found that they really were hoping to find someone with experience in insurance and accounting. This desired qualification was not listed in the recruitment bulletin or anywhere in the job description. Still, they passed me on to the testing round. That was a THREE-HOUR written test that they sent off to a psychologist in Connecticut for evaluation. The scheduled a second interview with me and again, I really felt like I did a great job, but this time they actually asked some specific questions about my insurance and accounting experience, even though I already explained in the first interview that I had absolutely ZERO insurance experience and my accounting experience is limited (I supervise accounting personnel and certify their work, but I've never been an accountant). They told me only five out of 50 made it to the second interview and I found out later that one of them was out of the running almost immediately. The CEO told me that my test results were some of the strongest she's ever seen and that she was very impressed with the way I interviewed. Still, I did not get the job. They said the only reason was because the lady they hired had the specific insurance and accounting experience they were looking for.

This is the first time in my life that I have not been offered a job I applied for. It was humbling and disappointing, but at the same time, I felt really relieved. See, the district manager approached Ken while I was in the interview phases and offered him the opportunity to get out of Moses Lake. Apparently, the Home Depot store in Walla Walla has some issues and he wanted to know if Ken could turn that store around the same way he turned the Moses Lake store around. He told Ken to go check out the store and the town and let him know. That weekend, we had a wedding in Corvallis, Oregon to attend so Walla Walla had to wait.

Finally, last Thursday, I took the day off work and drove down to Walla Walla with Ken. It is a one and a half hour drive between Spokane and Moses Lake, but a three hour drive between Spokane and WW (I love saying Walla Walla, but it feels too redundant to keep typing it). If Ken moves there, that will double our commute to see each other. We both really loved the town. It's in wine country so it is very lush and green. There are over 140 wineries in the area! The downtown area is beautiful, with several restaurants and cafes with patios and a ton of wine tasting rooms. Housing seems to be about the same as it is in Spokane. I could very much see myself living there. However, Ken met with the store manager and didn't have a great overall feeling. It seems the district manager isn't being very forthcoming. He told Ken that he needed someone who could "fix" the WW store, but he told the store manager that Ken just wanted to move and was interested in WW. Also, the store manager there is a self-proclaimed micro-manager and that is one of the things Ken hates about his current boss. At the end of the day, he felt really torn. He plans to meet with his old store manager here in Spokane next week because he trusts him to be honest and blunt about the WW store manager and his opinion on the risk he'd be taking to move there. Then, early next week, he has to have a decision made...

So much to think about - if he doesn't take it, I've applied for another job that I'm not really sure I want, but had to get in an application before the deadline with absolutely no time to really think about it. The good thing is, Ken has to have his decision made before the first round of tests so I can always withdraw interest if I need to. If he does take it, I think I may just look for work in Walla Walla. That brings up a whole other list of issues and fears for me, but I'll save it for another blog...

The Girl's Guide to Homelessness

2011-07-02T18:50:32Z

I just finished reading "The Girl's Guide to Homelessness" by Brianna Karp. It is my 24th book this year so I am 2 books behind in my one-book-a-week goal.

What a book. I was hooked by the first sentence in Chapter 1 and by the end of the first page, I knew it was going to be my kind of book.

It's a story about a woman who faced adversity in some form all of her life. She was raised in what she calls a cult, force-fed a very hypocritical religion her whole child-hood. She was molested and abused as a child/teen, raped and cheated on as a young adult. She started working at nine years of age to help support her family and she finally found her dream job and worked hard to finally have a place of her own. And then the recession hit. She was laid off from her job and six months later, lost her home. She moved back in with her mom, only to suffer even further abuse and false accusations. She inherited a travel trailer from her estranged father who had committed suicide and lived in it in a Walmart store parking lot until it was towed (even after she had the permission of the store manager) and she didn't have the money to get it back. This woman was no slouch. She applied to hundreds upon hundreds of jobs and worked for a couple more companies that laid her off after promising full time work simply because it was cheaper to bring on a full time employee and lay them off than it was to contract through a temp agency. She lost everything, but she found love. And then just when you think things will work out okay, she lost that too (and a baby). But this isn't just another sad story. She not only survived all of what she went through, she conquers her destiny. She found success, not in spite of adversity, but because of it.

In this memoir, Brianna Karp, makes you question your beliefs, assumptions, prejudices and opinions. As much as I am an advocate of the homeless and less fortunate and although I work with a couple different homeless ministries in my community and do what I can to show love and respect to all people, regardless of social status, I found myself feeling some pretty strong conviction for judgments and assumptions that I didn't even realize I had. This book humbled me. I identified with several of her experiences and couldn't help but thinking several times throughout the book "this could have been me.... if not for the grace of God."

I know I put a spoiler or two in there, but this book is absolutely worth the read. It is not for the faint of heart though. It is laced with f-bombs and other profanity, but it is REALITY for so many people out there.

Writer's Block: Globetrotting

2011-06-11T03:46:35Z

Tough choice. The "free of charge" part made me lean toward Australia since it's so dang expensive. But there are so many places I want to go. Ireland. Greece. Italy. I'll never be satisfied until I've seen it all.

restlessgypsy @ 2011-05-30T13:20:00

2011-05-30T20:20:30Z

Happy belated birthday to all my fellow May-babies.

Writer's Block: Take me back

2011-05-30T18:38:13Z

John - Hot n Cold by Katy Perry
We started as friends and could hang out for hours or days and never run out of things to talk or laugh about. Then our relationship became more intimate, but it was never really in our comfort zone. We'd both been hurt and were therefore very cautious and took things VERY slow. One day he would say he was in love with me, couldn't imagine his life without me, that I was the most incredible woman in the world and he was so lucky to have me. The next day he wanted to be "just friends." Then he would swing back and forth between love/marriage talk to just friends and back over the course of a couple hours. I was all for taking it slow and just seeing where it lead, but enough was enough. There are a lot of songs that remind me of him only because he was big into karaoke and had an incredible voice -- but this song pretty much sums up our relationship.

Jackasshole- Far Away by Nickleback (to name one of many for him)
There are so many songs that remind me of this time in my life and our on-again, off-again relationship, but this one probably hits me the hardest when I hear it. Circumstances were never ideal and I tried to cut ties so many times. He always won me over again and I always thought it would work out between us in the end. He loved this song and it was his ringtone on my phone.