Like a soul without a mind....

red_qat — Mon, 08 Aug 2022 02:12:27 GMT

It’s getting harder to live. But “it could be worse.”
I apologize to any and everyone I haven’t kept in contact with on here.

And the sentient spambots shall inherit the earth..

red_qat — Wed, 23 Nov 2016 06:30:00 GMT

..I mean, we're headed that way anyway.

red_qat — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 08:48:02 GMT

I wish I had someone to talk to.
Hell, I wish I actually had something to talk about.

"Join the club."

red_qat — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 04:11:04 GMT

I am a walking mass of accumulated mistakes and bad memories

red_qat — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 21:38:51 GMT

That repressive feeling of emotional permafrost, developed for your own peace of mind (so you don't rip someone's face off).
When you're at the point of ripping someone's face off because their emotions are paramount in this "relationship".
As for your emotions? Yeah, you're on your own; they'll be all but dismissed. But everyone outside your relationship is sure they know how much he loves you, so it's probably just your imagination. Stop being so ungrateful.

God help me, I need to get out of here.

Can't live in a fantasy world forever.

red_qat — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 03:37:00 GMT

To quote someone from twitter: "This society is a dumpster fire."

I'm getting extremely depressed, I'm lonely as hell and I'm tired of this place.

America.

red_qat — Wed, 29 Jun 2016 04:26:00 GMT

FUCK YEAH.

red_qat — Tue, 28 Jun 2016 22:52:01 GMT

I don't actually live in Latvia.

Plot twist.

red_qat — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 23:45:25 GMT

Insight is about analysing current trends in order to find a deeper meaning, whereas foresight uses scenarios and critical thinking to consider what is coming next.

Source

"we begin bombing in five minutes."

red_qat — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 17:00:25 GMT

I've got a theory regarding the last post, but must do a bit more research before fully stating.

Any suggestions from the pine nut gallery?

Is my location piquing your interest?

red_qat — Sat, 16 Apr 2016 19:29:57 GMT

Superficially judging by the user info, The last six ~~(seven?)~~ Russian journals that have viewed mine seem to be all the same person. How odd.

Is your life boring? Do you like to roleplay? Are you stalking someone? Or are you being stalked? As for me, time to learn Cyrillic, at least.

red_qat — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 23:24:13 GMT

The thought of being your first [and that's pretty ambiguous considering the evidence] warms my heart; it breaks knowing I won't be your last.

Hello.

red_qat — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 05:20:44 GMT

I'm a former PCP addict. It's been almost a decade since I've had any but I still feel lasting effects of smoking silver bullets including, but not limited to: brain fog, short term memory loss, mood swings, paranoia, and general feelings of detachment and emptiness. I began at the age of fifteen and stopped at eighteen. I still don't know how I managed to "achieve" a high school diploma; I barely existed at school.

I was sexually abused by two of my cousins as a child and my abuse was swept under the rug when I came forward. I remember being told that DSS would take me away from my mother if I wouldn't take back what I said (keep in mind, I was four years old the first time this happened. At that age, one has no ability to rationalize these kinds of scenarios). I remember my mother blaming my father leaving porn magazines laying around. I rarely saw my father the first few years after they got divorced and my first memories of sexual knowledge did not come from looking at a magazine. I remember specifically being told NOT to tell my father when/if I saw him. What I do not remember is the therapy my mother supposedly sent me to (which of course, proved that I was not molested! Hooray! She isn't a failure of a parent after all, right? Because the therapy sessions--lack thereof, just so we don't get lost here--should also exist to vindicate her of any possible wrongdoing, right?).

This is part of my story.

red_qat — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 04:53:13 GMT

I don't think it's normal to have suicidal thoughts just because it's a certain time of the month, or for any other reason. This week just happens to amplify them. I feel the same about having violent mood swings, crying jags that last for hours on end, or spending a week (or more) hating yourself and wanting to end your life.

This is getting in the way of life. My emotions are in the driver's seat and I've developed no real coping skills to regain control of myself. Talk therapy never had any real lasting effect no matter how often I would attend; it mostly consisted of my lack of communication skills, ~~lying about not being suicidal,~~ jabbering about meaningless bullshit because I have no one to speak to.

Ignoring your problems doesn't repair them.

Only remember to post when I'm feeling down

red_qat — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 03:57:25 GMT

I'm no longer emitting, just absorbing.

First world problems.

red_qat — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 16:57:34 GMT

Ah, so much bullshit, so little time. And yay for vague LJ entries.

red_qat — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 06:50:50 GMT

Mr. Bear is just a silly old thing.

red_qat — Sat, 26 Dec 2015 23:42:34 GMT

The longer I stay here, the more I become a stranger.

red_qat — Thu, 24 Dec 2015 05:54:47 GMT

I cannot help but feel; I have to feel. These feelings are most of what I have left to hang on to. I've never felt more alone in my life than when I've been down in this Podunk city. This city full of ignorant human black holes who will work the same job until they die/retire, who will never venture farther than hours away from where they were born, who will live and decay in this same dirt for every plane of their existence. I've never felt more alone in my life. I gave up the few friends I actually talked to; little would I realize years down the road that would be my happiness I gave up. No faking it until you make it. No loving people for how they can benefit your life. No more compromising my happiness. No more needing someone more than they need me. No more being a stepping stone for someone else's benefit, at least sure as hell not without equal benefit of my own.

I've never been this unhappy. I've learned to make the best of it in the meantime.

Emojis

red_qat — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:50:47 GMT

🐇🐈🐇🐈

💗💖💞💗💖💞💗💖💞

🔬🔬🔬🔬

🎶👾🎶👾🎶👾🎶👾

Goalz.

red_qat — Sun, 06 Dec 2015 02:18:35 GMT

I will have a house/apartment/condo on or near the ocean, be it in Guam, Cyprus, Cape Town, Okinawa, or goddamn Myrtle Beach. Definitely better off being a nomad in the meantime thanks to my fickle nature.
I will finish my Bachelors' in clinical lab science ASAP after I get my Associates' in MLT. After all that is said and done I will get my MBA and either my Masters' in diagnostic molecular science or pathology assisting.
I will see Rush live at some point in my life, hopefully soon as Geddy and the crew aren't getting any younger ;.;.....then again, neither am I.
I will travel to every continent, Antarctica included.
I will not be married or have kids as my instincts will kick in and I'll massively regret the decisions, among other reasons.

red_qat — Sun, 29 Nov 2015 00:36:08 GMT

So I'm running away and probably not coming back.

red_qat — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 02:23:02 GMT

Who wants to come with me? I'm thinking somewhere on/near the coast and further south; I'm growing less tolerant of the cold as time goes by. Anyone who lurks this journal is free to come with as well! :D I have to force myself to be happy so I don't think about suicide so much.

Priorities

red_qat — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 22:03:01 GMT

I will become Liz Sherman and marry Hellboy. Yes.

After I graduate from college, that is.

red_qat — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 15:54:06 GMT

Reading some past LJ entries and comments, reliving just how ignorant/arrogant/annoying I could be. Blech. Hopefully I'm not fooling myself when I think about how much I've matured.

On a more positive note, I'm finally getting my shit together and permanently evicting myself from my little dream-world bubble. I got into the medical laboratory technology program at school (yay for a career I'll both grow in AND enjoy!). I love the job I'm currently at and get paid fairly well but it's not meant to be forever. I've always dreamed of working in the science field and being in an environment that would challenge me intellectually.

I could pretend like I have something else interesting to say but I'll just leave it at this: I'm finally starting to feel good about myself. Happy Wednesday!