Enchantè

Ugh

rea_saint — Sun, 27 Sep 2015 06:01:14 GMT

I just woke up from a very frustrating dream. So frustrating that I woke up with a loud frustrated groan. It was about VL again, my one dream of the year about her that's been occurring for the past 15 years or so.

In the dream, I had dropped off her and her friend somewhere. I thought she'd go home, but she grabbed her bag and put on a hoodie and started walking around in a very seedy Chinatown type area. At night.

I wanted so badly to go to her, walk with her, talk to her, and spend more time with her, but for some reason I didn't. Probably my old habit of "running away" from her because of terrible relationship advice I received back then that, 17 year later, is looking more and more like a lifelong regret of a missed dear friend.

So I drove away, called my wife to check on my wife and tell her I love her.

But something didn't sit right with me. I turned around and drove back to the area. Just as I was hanging up the phone with my wife, I saw her. I turned around and around again in my car trying to follow her as she walked around. Eventually I caught up with her and called out her name - and realized it wasn't her. The woman continued walking away, with a slight smile on her face (which I'm not sure why).

Eventually I parked and looked for her on foot. I had my laptop with me for some reason and was being heckled for it with veiled threats to steal it. A few times passerbys manage to bump into me and grab a hold onto my laptop. They didn't get it of course. But there were two guys in particular who were particularly persistent and followed me around for a long time, heckling me the entire time. I finally got tired of it and confronted them and they got scared and split. Except one of them continued to follow me, but now seemingly friendly, not in a heckling way.

So I went back to my car, stashed my laptop, and drove around some more. And so it goes for hours - just driving around looking for her, checking in with my wife every so often.

I actually did have VL's number, but for some reason I was compelled NOT to call her - again, remnant of an old habit to "run away" from her. I wish it were not so.

So frustrating.

Death

rea_saint — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:39:23 GMT

I just woke up from a dream about my own death.

No, not the killed by something kind of death, but a more "natural" kind of death.

It's hard to remember the details - I remember very long road trips with lots of detours. I remember holding on to and hugging and kissing my boys, my wife, and other loved ones, with a somber knowledge and realization that I am about to die.

And at the end, I find myself alone, distant from everyone and anything I knew. Faces blur, people blur. I started writing one last email to "Everyone" to tell them that I had, indeed, died, dying, or about to die - I could no longer tell which.

But the overwhelming emotion: Alone. I never felt so alone. It was cold and painful. It hurts so much because I wanted to just spend more time with my loved ones. There were so many things I wanted to do. And yet my time was up.

To all the people I loved, and even to the ones I don't. To those who knew me well, and those who didn't know me. I wanted to be with my loved ones so badly.

In the end, I stood in front of my grave - a lonely unmarked grave by the side of the street. Alone, in the middle of the night. Cold, I was cold. And I fell, my chest hurting from missing my loved ones more than anything. And from the knowledge that I will no longer be with them. It was too much to bear.

What happened? Did I run away from my loved ones? Ending it with a somber dark humor? An email saying "Well - I died. Sorry."

Or was it a desire that someone, anyone, had kept up, had stayed with me until the bitter end? Even as I try to get away from them?

"Stay with me. Come with me until the very end. I need you."

Such are my thoughts as tears roll down a cold dead face and rigor mortis sets in. Cold. So very cold and alone.

Capoeira

rea_saint — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 00:08:07 GMT

Had a dream the other day where I did a Capoeira takedown move. Not sure why, but I think I was being attacked so I automatically reacted by stopping her. Afterwards I asked her to please stop attacking me. Odd.

7 years

rea_saint — Wed, 19 Aug 2015 07:08:28 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been 7 years since last I wrote here.

It's fascinating to re-read the dreams I had. I think I'll start again. And perhaps I'll just do random things in here, too.

It's odd because I typically filter everything I do/say, but it seems I don't filter as much here as nobody knows me here. We'll see what happens :)

Attachment Therapy: a search for survivors

rea_saint — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:59:09 GMT

--Text copied partly from copperbadge's post here)

Don't click on the link until you read the rest of the post.

ATTACHMENT THERAPY: A SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS.

This blog is for survivors of Attachment Therapy, also referred to as Holding Therapy or Rage Reduction. This is a brutal and sometimes fatal form of abuse masquerading as psychiatric treatment.

Attachment therapy promises quick fixes and firm results and creates lasting scars instead.

If you'd like more details about what Attachment Therapy involves (some of these are graphic), you can visit the blog.

Please post the link and title on your journal.

Some parent's going to be told they should send their child to Attachment Therapy and they're going to get on Google and try to research it. Some survivor is going to start struggling with their experiences and look for help, and they'll get on Google too. The above-linked blog should be the first link anyone sees when they search for Attachment Therapy.

Interview Meme

rea_saint — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:49:55 GMT

1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I'll ask you 5 questions.
3. Copy and paste the meme instructions in your LJ post in which you answer the questions.
4. Pass it on...

Questions From: http://lilian-cho.livejournal.com

1. What was the last nightmare you remember?
Hm.... Huh... I thought I posted it here in LJ. I guess I should make it a point to write my dreams here more. In reviewing my previous posts, however, I realized how weird my dreams were o.O

Anyway... The last nightmare that I remember is a dream where everything went out of control and nothing makes sense. There was a part where I was typing on MSN to a friend to ask for help, but what shows up on the screen was instead words telling my friend that everything is perfectly fine. I suppose it's almost like Rita Skeeter's magic quill where it types its own version of the story regardless of what Harry said to Rita.

It's kind of odd in retrospect that the dream managed to wake me up in cold sweat. I guess it's just the idea that someone or something is out to get me, makes it blatantly obvious, while yet at the same time nothing I knew or understood is valid anymore: gravity does not always apply, electronics does not necessarily need electricity, people may not really be people, the past was a complete fabrication, and there is nothing makes sense anymore if I were to rely on what I previously knew or understood. In fact, there no longer seem to be any comprehensible pattern or rules or anything...

2. Pretend I'm blindfolded. Describe your favourite room to me.
Here, I could go with something personal or something architectural. I think this time I'll go with architectural.

My favourite room was found in my campus. In order to get to it, you climb a great spiraling staircase like those found in castles. When you enter the room, the first thing you notice is how quiet and still the air is. So quiet and still that you could hear your own breath and heartbeat.

The carpet is rich velvet red, not unlike the color of blood that vampires pour on wine glasses to drink in movies. The walls are lined with rows of bookshelves, protecting, proudly displaying, and offering anyone who dares to disturb the elegance of the atmosphere a chance to read and absorb the wisdom stored in the books.

The ceiling is high and domed, with stained glass windows allowing a whisper of the sun or the moon to enter, if only to accentuate the height and architecture of the ceiling.

The room itself is wrapped in yellow golden light, masking any wrinkles or signs of aging on any ancient text, accentuating instead the maroon leather binding and gold linings. The size of the room itself is unquestionably large as you will discover by the minutes you count walking from one end to the other. Anywhere you turn, you will see elegantly carved wood and stone in various forms: statues, bookshelves, columns, and other details, each telling its own story, its own version of history.

Unfortunately this room no longer exists. A while back the room, and the entire castle-like building that hosts it was "repaired" and "modernized." The "modernized" version of the room now lacks the old elegance and beauty, replacing it instead with the colors of impersonal cold, gray, steel of modernity and technology.

3. What would be worst sense you could lose?
Based on the generally accepted definition of physical senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, and smell, I would have to say that the worst sense to lose would be sight. Losing hearing would be terrible, too, but to me, not as terrible as losing sight.

4. How many people did you consider to be your best friends (past and present)?
"Best" is a vague term certainly, but I would have to say between 10-20.

5. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?
In the world? Next to you.

Feline Dreams ^^

rea_saint — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 18:00:30 GMT

A couple of nights ago I dreamed I was a black cat... Well, actually, more like I had the ability to turn into a black cat.

I'm not sure why, but I went to some room, packed my clothes into my backpack, then attempted to transform into a cat.

At first I had the backpack on my bare back and could not transform. Then I remembered the words of someone teaching me how to transform, "Remember ... it's just like ..."

So I took off my backpack and attempted the transformation again and succeeded.

But I still needed to carry my backpack because otherwise, where will I get the clothes to wear in human form?

I found out that I could stand on my hind two legs and pick up and wear the backpack. I guess I must have been a relatively large cat, or my backpack had been a bit on the small side because it fit just as well on my feline back side. It felt like it was 5x heavier than it should be however.

Then I trekked in cat form to my destination and stopped by a jacuzzi along the way, transforming back into human form to bathe in it.

Of Aliens and Men

rea_saint — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 18:25:55 GMT

Maybe I've been watching too many sci-fi movies. Last night dream is reminiscent of "Alone in the Dark" and "The Island."

Basically there were humanoids and humans. The humanoids, as the name implies, are human-like at least in appearance. However, in function, they are at war with humans and to a certain extent feeds on them (reminiscent of "Stargate Atlantis").

There was a scene (in my dream) where there was an airplane wreck that supposedly the humanoids have checked out (at this point, the humanoids were attempting to appear friendly). I checked the plane again along with my coworker (from my rl office) and found lots of boiled eggs that should have been found by the humanoids(don't ask me why). Conclusion: The humanoids were lying and malevolent (again, don't ask me why).

Anyway, then we all escaped away from the humanoids and warred against them. (I think it goes beyond just the boiled eggs).

Strange Sounds

rea_saint — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 16:39:29 GMT

Watched a couple of horror movies yesterday although they really weren't scary at all. It makes me wonder though... Considering what I know/experienced of the supernatural and how much it takes to spook me, what would happen if I were to write/direct horror.

Last night I dreamt of a whole jumble of mess.

There was something about taking the bus to work and "parking" my pillow at an empty car parking spot.

There was something also about staying a bit too late at work (11:30pm) and finding out there is no more bus that runs to my apt. (last bus was 11:00pm). There were all sorts of people in the dirty streets (not usually that dirty) where people were smoking freely to the extent of creating a faux fog. People were also loitering in the streets, looking dirty, disheveled, and all in all unfriendly with animosity towards everyone and everything while yet being ignorant of everyone and everything.

There was something about being at home and having a church service in my messy living room at 10:00am (the morning service that I go to). Then after taking a nap, was awakened at about 4:00pm by yet another preacher for the evening service beginning his preaching with a sort of joke. The joke was something about a janitor who was giving a report about the boys' restroom. He was saying something about how non-white kids were peeing on the floor. Not any particular ethnicity, but just mixed of all kinds. When asked how he knows, he said something along the lines of "do you suppose they were drinking orange juice? It was red. What a rich sample!"

I suppose the joke was about how the janitor obviously found blood on the floor instead of urine. When the preacher wasn't met with an enthusiastic laugh, he apologized for a lame joke. Apparently this preacher was a guest speaker from another state and was preaching next door for the "Chinese Congregation" (has no bearing on rl facts) and being broadcast live over the radio at the same time.

Anyway, odd dreams aside, I wonder why I experience so many things beyond the realm of "normal." Am I simply more observant and unwilling to turn a blind eye? Or is it something more?

artsy fartsy

rea_saint — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 23:25:33 GMT

Finally watched Robotz last night. Was very nice. I think I may get the DVD someday.

Been active in DA and obsessively checking DA for updates and such from people I watch whilst yet wondering/hoping more people would fav my works and watch me.

Makes me wonder sometimes why I post here, but I suppose some activity is better than none.

Lately I've dreamt of various rl people which I think is evoked by rl feelings/thoughts.

Last night I did dream something about the very mysterious, sudden, and painful death of two different people almost completely unrelated except for the fact that exactly two weeks before their demise, they happen to be in a room next to another room where one particular person died of similar causes (the progeny?).

It appears that it was some kind of sickness or pathogen. However, now that I think about it, it almost seem like a curse or scourge.

Powers and Principalities of the air

rea_saint — Mon, 22 May 2006 19:52:24 GMT

Two dreams discussed: (Yes, I've finally learned lj-cut)

1. A couple of nights ago I dreamt of various forces, physical and otherwise that worked very hard to separate me and her. There was even something about my firstborn child in horrific detail that would probably make a very scary horror movie.

2. Last night I dreamt of some sort of accident. I think I may or may not be responsible for it. However, it is something along the lines of this:
I was driving up to Canada. Along the way, my car was stuck and I couldn't go further. Somehow, I decided to get off the car and walk the rest of the way to Canada. I made it somehow.

Apparently there was something very odd going on, because my parents aren't around, and I was in charge of my siblings. Further, I somehow managed to make it back from Canada, to my car, and picked up my siblings and went back to Canada.

My parents called - they wanted me to bring them back to the US.

Apparently in the dream, my parents let my brother drive a car. Somehow, on the way back, I drove one car, and my brother drove yet another car by himself, following me from behind.

What ensued was chaos to say the least. Many cars and properties were damaged in the process although somehow, everyone was miraculously unharmed.

The cops finally cornered my brother and forced his car to a stop. Apparently he panicked or something. A cop came up bewildered and started questioning my brother, who responded incoherently. Even more bewildered now, he asked "What happened anyway?"

To which I responded very bitterly, "He's autistic."

The cop then figured out that I am the brother, then proceeded to charge me with crime and damages my brother did, supposedly because my brother is my responsibility.

Then I woke up.

Lessons learned:

1. It's one thing to know there are forces that works to break apart relationships, but yet another to witness it at work.

2. Never let an autistic person drive. At least, not my brother.

Bizzarreness

rea_saint — Tue, 16 May 2006 17:46:58 GMT

Two nights ago I dreamt I robbed a bank with my mom as either an accomplice or the brain. My wife was somehow also involved and my autistic brother was the driver of our getaway car. Then my wife and I flew to Hong Kong, but somehow our family Shih Tzu managed to get to the airport and attempted to play with me before I board the plane. Then when I boarded the plane, he jumped off the 2nd (or was it 3rd) floor to below...

Last night I dreamt I was backing up and crashed into another car. At first I panicked, and wanted to run away, and maybe did. But then I realized that the car I had crashed into was parked in the middle (exact center) of the street for no apparent reason.

Last week or so I dreamt of the beginning of the "end of days," to be precise, about the opening of the sixth seal. Actually, come to think of it, maybe it's a bit later than that. I'll put up a more elaborate depiction later.

Lessons learned:

1. No matter the amount of money, I don't think I'd rob any bank or anything. Besides, it's terrible donating or giving things or money to people or organizations with such money. Not to mention of course the insecurity that comes from wondering if you'll be found out at any given time.

2. I have some degree of fear of car crashes seeing that I've had my share of it.

3. Seeing the sky turn pitch black coupled with fiery horizon made me realize that I've been taking our blue skies and bright suns too much. I need to start appreciating these things before the beginning of the end...

Oh wow stupid grin plastered on face

rea_saint — Fri, 05 May 2006 19:18:02 GMT

Disclaimer: This is a rant - no need to read :P

I forgot that I'm supposed to write a dream journal XD

Should I though? Some of my dreams can get pretty horrific... meh I'll just put up a disclaimer next time.

Atm, I'm just at work again bored with nothing (much) to do ^^;

Um... Been spending all morning (other than menial tasks at work) looking over various crazy entries on deviantart and Lilian_cho's livejournal XD

So now I have a crazy grin plastered on my face and I can't stop XD

The other day I dreamt something about zombies again...

It was a game of sorts. I was driving a tank of sorts and the target is to eliminate the enemy tanks. As soon as the game begins, I drove straight to the nearest enemy tank and pressed the buttons to shoot. Nothing happened.

I pressed and pressed and I could see my teammates panicking as they're side by side with the enemy tank that I was trying to shoot. Finally I found a different button and pressed it and something happened.

It turns out that the "tank" really isn't a tank, but a bumper car of some sort. Then the weapon was some sort of micro-wave-generated-heat that basically cooks/fries/boils (you get the idea) the enemy from a distance...

And it turns out the enemies are zombies. (Which would explain my teammate's panicked look when he was side by side with the zombie).

I kept pressing the button and the zombie began to melt (did you know it takes a long time to melt a zombie with that method?).

Then I became aware of a zombie that had gotten off their vehicle and making a beeline to attack me directly. I stopped my assault briefly on the previous zombie, turned around to face the advancing zombie, and rammed my vehicle hard on the zombie.

Now that that's dealt with, I turned back around to the previous zombie and resumed the painstakingly long process of melting it (during which the zombie did practically nothing except sit there...).

Finally it can be very visibly seen that it's melting from the inside and it says (in a rather comical, cheerful manner), "Look at me! I'm melting and lava is coming out of me! *blurp blurp blurp*"

Eh anyway, somehow I decided the game wasn't worth my time so I stopped playing. Then I realized that I was in a game arcade on a Saturday morning. I looked at the girl next to me playing some sort of game and I looked over her shoulder and recommended which games to play in the arcade to her.

Then I was called over by the music team people to start music practice. Apparently I knew the girl but no one else does...

Weird.

Saturday morning, church music practice in a game arcade, a mysterious girl I have no recollection about, and a shooting game that really is not a shooting game and involves zombies melting and bursting out lava...

Just. Weird.

Dream Journal?

rea_saint — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 19:09:06 GMT

Hm, it's been a very long time since I've written anything.

I get really unmotivated from time to time at work and when I do, it's usually when I look for something else to do for myself, such as writing a journal ^^;

Atm I'm contemplating what to use this journal for. I've already got my own personal blog at my own domain that I maintain. I wonder if I should use this one for a "dream" journal?

The thought of storing such personal things in a place where I don't have as much control as I do in my own space sort of bugs me, however.

Hm... Maybe I'll just use this space to rant.

I finally finished my poem for lilian_cho and dedicated it for her lanthano.org domain. Feel free to take a look at it here: "My Rose"

Hm... I just found out from my supervisor that only me and her are in office today. Everyone else is at a conference or out sick. Work motivation = 0.000001 ^^;;;;;;

Eh... I should find something to do...

First Entry

rea_saint — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 19:44:47 GMT

For the first time since I had this account, I am writing an entry.

I have just finished customizing the look of this journal in a manner that I would like and thought it appears very lonely without an entry.

There have been a lot of drastic life changes to me recently and not for the better. However, in my internal struggle and nightmares I have found various inspiration for stories I have meant to write and hopes to write those soon.