Life Is Beautiful [Chapter 1]
Nix: Hello, denizens of the Sporking Community! I’m here with one of my good friends from the Death Note fandom, Ratt9!
Ratt: Usually, I would start at the beginning of the fanfiction when I'm critiquing, but in this case I just have to start with the summary, because even the summary doesn't make any logical sense.
V is a wanted criminal that hunts and drinks the blood of other criminals
Nix: Oh, she sounds like Edward Cullen.
until she decided she wanted to help with the Kira case. L needed the help
Ratt: Stop right there. L doesn't need the help. Has he ever needed the help?
but he didn't want it from the girl that literally stole his first kiss.
Ratt: What does that have anything to do with anything?
Nix: Romance, Ratt, romance. And didn’t Misa steal his first kiss?
Light thinks that she is justice, but is she really?
Ratt: This, I have the biggest problem with. WHY does Light think that she is justice? Light HATES criminals. In case you haven't noticed, the entire reason he became Kira in the first place was because he wanted to KILL all of the criminals. WHY would he think that one of them was JUSTICE?
Nix: Well, Ratt, you can't ever get in the way of true love. Not even his morals and beliefs could stop this.
L and Light soon find themselves compete for more than just justice and the fate of the world, but also her!
Ratt: They don't have time for that.
Nix: They compete over who gets to kill her.
CHAPTER 1
I WILL DO IT
Ratt: What a name for a chapter. In fact, you will notice that all of her chapters, as a rule, have some of the most ridiculous names imaginable. Just wait until we get to “Chapter 8: I AM STARVING.”
Nix: (as Soichiro): I WILL DO IT! I WILL RESIST LETTING THIS MARY-SUE NEAR MY POLICE FORCE!
Ratt: Poor Soichiro. You failed.
Nix: Shh, he hasn’t failed yet, let him dream.
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: Is it just me, or do those three sentences sound very perverted?
Nix: (Matsuda): *pretending to be the little train that could* I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
Those simple words have been running through my head for quite a while now, but I felt no irritation towards them, because really, those words only state a fact.
Ratt: I WILL DO IT! I WILL BE THE MOST ANNOYING MARY-SUE POSSIBLE AND MAKE THIS STORY ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
Nix: I WILL WARP ALL THE CANON CHARACTERS OUT OF CHARACTER!
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: We’re sure you will.
I felt my eyes start to sting, then water, and only then did I wonder how long it has been since I blinked.
Ratt: Does anyone else do this? I don’t know about you, but I don’t sit there at my computer measuring the amount of time between my blinks.
Nix: It's difficult to measure the amount of time between blinks when you're at the computer. You don't blink often because what you're watching is interesting; you forget the thirty-ish seconds after you blink, but you want to remember interesting (constantly changing) things like computers and TV.
But I could not tear my eyes away from my computer screen.
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: I wonder if we’ll ever actually figure out what it is she’s trying to do.
He needs my help, and he knows it, all he needs to do is find me.
Ratt: Again, L does not need anyone's help. He surely does not “know it”, and he shouldn't have any desire to find her except to put her behind bars.
Nix: L shouldn't have any problem finding her because he is L.
I gently glided the mouse along the floor I was on and clicked into the Japanese police files.
Nix: Oddly enough, they all had pictures of Pedobear in them.
It had much information about the one case that I want to be involved in, the one that involves Kira . . . and L.
Ratt: ...and L. *flutters eyelashes* Really, though. Was that pause honestly necessary?
I read through the three notes and observed each photo with much care; to insure I do not miss a thing.
Ratt: That is an improper use of a semicolon.
Nix: Dear lord, the part of me that actually knows how to use grammar is having a seizure right now.
L did you know
Nix: —that you are being stalked by a Mary-Sue?
The line ended there, and I wondered if it was a sequel or that was just some trick question. Could it mean something like L do you know how I kill, or, L do you know who I am? I decided I would check the other notes before exploiting much farther.
Ratt: Exploiting? Don’t you mean exploring? Also, farther is in terms of distance, which is not the way in which you are using it.
Nix: I'm sure that she hasn't guessed the actual message because she keeps changing the tense.
I took one look at the second note and smirked. So, it is a sequel. How interesting.
Ratt: Why is she referring to this as a sequel, anyway? It’s a follow-up.
L did you know that Gods of death
Nix: —are Barbie girls?
My eyes grew impossibly wide, and my heartbeat pumped faster, a rush of excitement jotting through my veins. When I clicked to see the next note, my heart instantly stilled its rhythm.
Ratt: Her...heart stilled? As in stopped? THANK KIRA, HE’S FINALLY FINISHED HER OFF.
L did you know that Gods of death love apples
For a split second, I found myself in a loop of confusion. There had to be an internal motive somewhere, why else would someone go through all the trouble of writing a whole sentence to L through death?
Nix: Wait, is L dying? What’s going on?
Ratt: That was a very confusing sentence, and I even know what’s going on in the show.
Nix: Care to explain?
Ratt: Well, in the show, Light kills prisoners and controls their actions so that they’ll write messages to L on the prison walls before they die. But that was just a weird sentence.
But as quickly as I asked, I had the answer.
Ratt: That’s because Mary-Sues always have automatic understanding of anything and everything.
A fare proportion
Ratt: Fair. FAIR.
Nix: Fair is fair beyond compare.
of FBI agents (if not all) were killed on the same day, Kira created this note as a distraction in case anything was laid out, and would not be notice it until it was too late. It seemed to have worked.
Nix: I sense authorial intrusion. It is strong within this fic.
Nix: (as V): GIVE IN TO YOUR PERFECTION AND JOIN ME ON THE SUE SIDE!!!
I smile began to form itself onto my face, then it became a sheepish grin, and before I could compose myself, I was laughing.
Ratt: Sadistic bitch.
Bravo Kira! I cheered in my mind. Bravo! His note was completely admirable! He was able to test his skills, kill of his opponents, frustrate L and get me to laugh! He is either a god of death that loves apples, or he has the power of a god, it does not even matter, he got me to laugh!
Ratt: My only comment to this paragraph is that this character is really messed up and shallow.
Nix: I think she‘s insane. “It doesn’t matter that he killed so many people and will continue to kill people--people who have lives and hopes and dreams! He made me LAUGH!!!”
After a good few seconds I returned to my work, but I held the sheepish smile.
After looking through the police information files I got up and walked to the small kitchen outside my room.
This was quite a first for me, most of the time
Ratt: Period, not a comma.
I would finish my work, destroy the computer and all that comes with it, and scatter the ashes and remanning pieces throughout the continent
Ratt: Oh my god, it's like a burial!
Nix: She's going to be haunted by her computers.
Ratt: Seriously, though. It’s enough to just break the hard drive. It’s major overkill to burn it afterward, let alone scatter the ashes throughout the continent. I mean, who does that? It is completely unnecessary.
before getting a snack, but today is special. I have no doubt that they will find me if I left it on long enough, so it felt quite unusual to try and be so careless,
Ratt: I fail to see how one can “try” to be careless. That kind of defeats the purpose of being “careless.”
especially when being unnaturally careful was like second nature to me.
Nix: No, she's just a really strong J type personality. It's completely natural.
When they find me, they will either put me in prison or (the most likely option) an asylum for the criminally insane.
Nix: Or give you the death sentence.
Ratt: We can only hope.
If only they knew, if only they could understand. I am not crazy; I am just a human girl with cravings and a different opinion of life.
Nix: I had to think for a long time about what to say to that. She craves blood and she wants us to believe that she's mentally sound. I don't think so. She reminds me of that one guy in Florida who ate the homeless man's face. He was on drugs, by the way. She, I'm assuming, is not on drugs. She doesn't even have that excuse. Your character is indulging in hemophagia and she disgusts me. Did you know that she could get fatality ill from that? She could have a number of STDs and other terrible diseases from drinking the blood of people who have them.
I hope you liked the first chapter of Life Is Beautiful! Please review! And please be nice, and please tell me if you think I should stop. Thank you!
Nix: I doubt you’ll listen if we tell you to stop considering you’re still writing this.
Ratt: The horror.
Ratt: Usually, I would start at the beginning of the fanfiction when I'm critiquing, but in this case I just have to start with the summary, because even the summary doesn't make any logical sense.
V is a wanted criminal that hunts and drinks the blood of other criminals
Nix: Oh, she sounds like Edward Cullen.
until she decided she wanted to help with the Kira case. L needed the help
Ratt: Stop right there. L doesn't need the help. Has he ever needed the help?
but he didn't want it from the girl that literally stole his first kiss.
Ratt: What does that have anything to do with anything?
Nix: Romance, Ratt, romance. And didn’t Misa steal his first kiss?
Light thinks that she is justice, but is she really?
Ratt: This, I have the biggest problem with. WHY does Light think that she is justice? Light HATES criminals. In case you haven't noticed, the entire reason he became Kira in the first place was because he wanted to KILL all of the criminals. WHY would he think that one of them was JUSTICE?
Nix: Well, Ratt, you can't ever get in the way of true love. Not even his morals and beliefs could stop this.
L and Light soon find themselves compete for more than just justice and the fate of the world, but also her!
Ratt: They don't have time for that.
Nix: They compete over who gets to kill her.
CHAPTER 1
I WILL DO IT
Ratt: What a name for a chapter. In fact, you will notice that all of her chapters, as a rule, have some of the most ridiculous names imaginable. Just wait until we get to “Chapter 8: I AM STARVING.”
Nix: (as Soichiro): I WILL DO IT! I WILL RESIST LETTING THIS MARY-SUE NEAR MY POLICE FORCE!
Ratt: Poor Soichiro. You failed.
Nix: Shh, he hasn’t failed yet, let him dream.
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: Is it just me, or do those three sentences sound very perverted?
Nix: (Matsuda): *pretending to be the little train that could* I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.
Those simple words have been running through my head for quite a while now, but I felt no irritation towards them, because really, those words only state a fact.
Ratt: I WILL DO IT! I WILL BE THE MOST ANNOYING MARY-SUE POSSIBLE AND MAKE THIS STORY ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
Nix: I WILL WARP ALL THE CANON CHARACTERS OUT OF CHARACTER!
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: We’re sure you will.
I felt my eyes start to sting, then water, and only then did I wonder how long it has been since I blinked.
Ratt: Does anyone else do this? I don’t know about you, but I don’t sit there at my computer measuring the amount of time between my blinks.
Nix: It's difficult to measure the amount of time between blinks when you're at the computer. You don't blink often because what you're watching is interesting; you forget the thirty-ish seconds after you blink, but you want to remember interesting (constantly changing) things like computers and TV.
But I could not tear my eyes away from my computer screen.
I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.
Ratt: I wonder if we’ll ever actually figure out what it is she’s trying to do.
He needs my help, and he knows it, all he needs to do is find me.
Ratt: Again, L does not need anyone's help. He surely does not “know it”, and he shouldn't have any desire to find her except to put her behind bars.
Nix: L shouldn't have any problem finding her because he is L.
I gently glided the mouse along the floor I was on and clicked into the Japanese police files.
Nix: Oddly enough, they all had pictures of Pedobear in them.
It had much information about the one case that I want to be involved in, the one that involves Kira . . . and L.
Ratt: ...and L. *flutters eyelashes* Really, though. Was that pause honestly necessary?
I read through the three notes and observed each photo with much care; to insure I do not miss a thing.
Ratt: That is an improper use of a semicolon.
Nix: Dear lord, the part of me that actually knows how to use grammar is having a seizure right now.
L did you know
Nix: —that you are being stalked by a Mary-Sue?
The line ended there, and I wondered if it was a sequel or that was just some trick question. Could it mean something like L do you know how I kill, or, L do you know who I am? I decided I would check the other notes before exploiting much farther.
Ratt: Exploiting? Don’t you mean exploring? Also, farther is in terms of distance, which is not the way in which you are using it.
Nix: I'm sure that she hasn't guessed the actual message because she keeps changing the tense.
I took one look at the second note and smirked. So, it is a sequel. How interesting.
Ratt: Why is she referring to this as a sequel, anyway? It’s a follow-up.
L did you know that Gods of death
Nix: —are Barbie girls?
My eyes grew impossibly wide, and my heartbeat pumped faster, a rush of excitement jotting through my veins. When I clicked to see the next note, my heart instantly stilled its rhythm.
Ratt: Her...heart stilled? As in stopped? THANK KIRA, HE’S FINALLY FINISHED HER OFF.
L did you know that Gods of death love apples
For a split second, I found myself in a loop of confusion. There had to be an internal motive somewhere, why else would someone go through all the trouble of writing a whole sentence to L through death?
Nix: Wait, is L dying? What’s going on?
Ratt: That was a very confusing sentence, and I even know what’s going on in the show.
Nix: Care to explain?
Ratt: Well, in the show, Light kills prisoners and controls their actions so that they’ll write messages to L on the prison walls before they die. But that was just a weird sentence.
But as quickly as I asked, I had the answer.
Ratt: That’s because Mary-Sues always have automatic understanding of anything and everything.
A fare proportion
Ratt: Fair. FAIR.
Nix: Fair is fair beyond compare.
of FBI agents (if not all) were killed on the same day, Kira created this note as a distraction in case anything was laid out, and would not be notice it until it was too late. It seemed to have worked.
Nix: I sense authorial intrusion. It is strong within this fic.
Nix: (as V): GIVE IN TO YOUR PERFECTION AND JOIN ME ON THE SUE SIDE!!!
I smile began to form itself onto my face, then it became a sheepish grin, and before I could compose myself, I was laughing.
Ratt: Sadistic bitch.
Bravo Kira! I cheered in my mind. Bravo! His note was completely admirable! He was able to test his skills, kill of his opponents, frustrate L and get me to laugh! He is either a god of death that loves apples, or he has the power of a god, it does not even matter, he got me to laugh!
Ratt: My only comment to this paragraph is that this character is really messed up and shallow.
Nix: I think she‘s insane. “It doesn’t matter that he killed so many people and will continue to kill people--people who have lives and hopes and dreams! He made me LAUGH!!!”
After a good few seconds I returned to my work, but I held the sheepish smile.
After looking through the police information files I got up and walked to the small kitchen outside my room.
This was quite a first for me, most of the time
Ratt: Period, not a comma.
I would finish my work, destroy the computer and all that comes with it, and scatter the ashes and remanning pieces throughout the continent
Ratt: Oh my god, it's like a burial!
Nix: She's going to be haunted by her computers.
Ratt: Seriously, though. It’s enough to just break the hard drive. It’s major overkill to burn it afterward, let alone scatter the ashes throughout the continent. I mean, who does that? It is completely unnecessary.
before getting a snack, but today is special. I have no doubt that they will find me if I left it on long enough, so it felt quite unusual to try and be so careless,
Ratt: I fail to see how one can “try” to be careless. That kind of defeats the purpose of being “careless.”
especially when being unnaturally careful was like second nature to me.
Nix: No, she's just a really strong J type personality. It's completely natural.
When they find me, they will either put me in prison or (the most likely option) an asylum for the criminally insane.
Nix: Or give you the death sentence.
Ratt: We can only hope.
If only they knew, if only they could understand. I am not crazy; I am just a human girl with cravings and a different opinion of life.
Nix: I had to think for a long time about what to say to that. She craves blood and she wants us to believe that she's mentally sound. I don't think so. She reminds me of that one guy in Florida who ate the homeless man's face. He was on drugs, by the way. She, I'm assuming, is not on drugs. She doesn't even have that excuse. Your character is indulging in hemophagia and she disgusts me. Did you know that she could get fatality ill from that? She could have a number of STDs and other terrible diseases from drinking the blood of people who have them.
I hope you liked the first chapter of Life Is Beautiful! Please review! And please be nice, and please tell me if you think I should stop. Thank you!
Nix: I doubt you’ll listen if we tell you to stop considering you’re still writing this.
Ratt: The horror.