I want to change the world...

twilight friends

2008-03-15T09:59:51Z

My day
I really like the book twilight, by stephenie meyers for a lot of different reasons. And its a hugely popular book. As a bookseller, I would say the public response is just as fervent as the harry potter love. And we sell several copies of her three books A DAY. Yet there's no media attention for them. I wonder why. And even though we sell so many, we don't have anything planned for when her fourth book comes out. No midnight party or anything. And even though those are a pain in the ass, I would totally volunteer and work it.
I was talking to a coworker today, a really cool girl named Kaitlyn. We were geeking out about the upcoming Twilight movie, and especially about robert pattlinson, who plays edward, who also played cedric diggory in the harry potter movies. And then two customers later, I got this eighty year old woman who also loves the books and had her own opinions about the movie. It was awesome.
Ive been working in BN for about three years now. A lot of it sucks. But lately ive been having a good time. Mainly I work with desiree and amanda. Whenever I work with them im generally relaxed, no matter how bad it gets, because I know that the store will get done by 11pm. Always. I dont ever feel left behind with them. And Ive been slowly getting to know some of the people who've been there all along but ive never really talked to before. Like robin in music. Weve chatted, but lately weve been actually getting to know each other. And Alex. Ive hung out with him a few times. Had a guitar lesson from him. I think what Ive always taken to be apatheticness is just really an incredible sense of patience. I mean, he does totally get apathetic. But he can be very still in a way thats just quiet, not bored or not there. He's just listening. And ive had conversations with him where ive been surprised by how much he actually does retain about everyone around him. I like him. I think jess has that a bit, in groups, but im so used to her that i never mistake that for not being interested. And renee, in cafe. She's a lot of fun. And we have a lot in common. She's usually pretty quiet, but she talked a lot tonight, and it was good. And ive gotten along with amanda all along, but i think were really becoming friends now. Its nice.
Ive been wavering lately between feeling lonely and lost and miserable, and feeling certain that things are going well, but its just taking some time. Like the whole grad school, being a counselor thing. I WANT IT. SO BAD. But always the thought is there, should i just give up and go get some stupid 9-5 job. My brother is doing it, plus he's going to school. And my parents keep telling me that enough is enough, its time to stop playing around and be an adult. i dont know. at what point should you stop chasing your dreams and just admit its not going to happen? when does it stop being ambition and just start being sad? i don't know.
I got a call from erin the other night. I hadnt talked to her in about two months. Oddly, I hadnt talked to mario in about a month, and he called that same night. Theyre completely unconnected, so i just found it interesting. But yeah, erin.
She told me that she'd been rethinking a lot of aspects of our friendship, but she decided she wanted to remain best friends with me. Its put me in this wierd state of mind. I dont know how to feel when someone tells me that i generally suck as a friend, but they still want me. Am i supposed to be flattered? Im not being sarcastic, i generally dont know what to feel. Should i be happy? My instinct is to say, look, if its that much of a hardship, then why is it even worth it to you? why keep me around? Maybe thats why im so ambivalent. its one of my biggest downfalls, my need to know WHY. Always. I get in trouble all the time for it. But i heard all the reasons i suck, so logically, she should dump me. But she decided to keep me, and i dont know WHY? Why keep me on as a friend if you dont like the way i act? We left things kind of shaky, so i didnt want to ask. But i think i need to.
Ive been walking around uneasy about it for days, just feeling kind of blue. today put me over the edge. Ive been having problems with my laptop and i keep returning to best buy to check on it. Its been a whole rigmarole, so im already frustrated. And then i see tony in best buy. And its a really big store, so it shouldnt have mattered. But he sees me and he literally, LITERALLY, turns on his heel and walks out the store. Now, i know our history, so i get it, kind of. But essentially, no matter who it is, it really sucks when the sight of you is enough to make someone LEAVE a store. To cancel whatever plans he has and walk out. Even worse, i had already shrugged it off by the time i left best buy. But then i went to the library to study, and i sat down at a table, and the man sitting there GETS UP and goes and sits at the very next table. I have no idea why. But coming as it did immediately after tony, and a little bit after erin, it left me feeling like nobody likes me. And yes, blah blah, ridiculous. still, its what i felt in the moment. and it is a sucky feeling. (And I STILL dont have my laptop)
Plus, im stuck on math, and i hate it. so very much. it took me a solid fifteen minutes today to figure out the percentage discount for some of the books i had to sticker. That was slightly depressing because if i can't figure out what percentage 19.96 is off 27.99, then how the hell am i supposed to do it for a big test?
everything sucks right now.

sore muscles, juno, pancakes

2008-02-14T09:22:30Z

I dropped my parents off at the airport today.
I never get tired of LAX. I love the atmosphere, the excitement and energy of all the travelers, the pure boredom of the airport staff. I saw a bunch of caged dogs, piled next to the luggage. I assume theyre on the same flight as my parents. My dad was feeling bad about them, cuz animals are generally thrown into the cargo hold. The only concession to them not being luggage is temperature control. But I lied and told my dad that they get food and water and are all sedated. I didnt want him up there empathizing with the dogs. And who knows? They might get all that. I doubt it, since most airlines barely treat people with any humanity. I'm totally calling out United right now. They SUCK ASS. My parents are flying Lufthansa, which ive never flown. They have and they loved it. The ticket agent was super nice though, which is a good sign. My dad tells me that the reason I get such mean airport staff is because i'm always incredibly tense and project an attitude of disdain. This is true. When im worried around strangers and strange situations,especially when i'm worried about family, I tend to get incredibly impatient. This does not go over well with airport employees. It probably contributes to the constant "random" searches I am always subject to. In thailand alone this december I got stopped 3 times to be searched.
I worked a morning shift at the Bean today, and gave away my barn shift so i could go to the airport. But even going to the airport was painful. Ive been running again, despite my knees, and my knees are totally striking back. They hurt so badly today that I seriously contemplated walking backwards from now on. I tried it, shuffling backwards down the sidewalk. I didnt get very far, but my knees appreciated the respite. I kneeled down to put some luggage tags on my dad's suitcase, and I had to stay down for a few seconds before I could come up again. So i gave away a couple more shifts and im taking tomorrow off from both jobs. Im just gonna sit around and ice my knees and take motrin. An ideal valentine's day.
I saw Juno the other day. It was awwwwwesome. Just an all around perfect movie. I went for Michael Cera but I loved everyone else in it too. (By the way, I just bought the new W magazine, purely for this gigantic, gorgous black and white shot of James MacAvoy, completely unmarked by any writing, and i was delighted to find an article and accompanying b/w shots of Michael Cera. It was a really good issue! :-P)I completely adored the soundtrack and made like 15 different mental notes on new artists. The movie itself was amazing, but I was also interested in the differing opinions of the people around me. Particularly this one scene between jason bateman and ellen page. To me, the scene was pretty ambiguous. Jess felt that the scene was fairly pedophile-like, but it could go either way. Mario was completely positive that it was a total pedophile scene, no doubt about it. I dont want to watch it again right away, cuz the movie is still really vivid, but Im pretty sure i'll buy it when it comes out. Mario made an interesting point about the parents in the movie. Mainly, that theres no way in hell that they would take their 16 year old getting pregnant so calmly and rationally. I can see his point, but at the same time, i grew up in palmdale, where the local high school had an on campus nursery for the new teen mothers. And its a place where youre pretty much expected to settle down and start popping out kids around 19 or 20. 16 isnt that much younger.
I had pancakes yesterday for the first time in AGES. It was mario's fault. I never would have known that IHOP was offering free pancakes. They were delicious. the french toast was NOT. Mainly, it was fun to do an impulsive food run with Mario. We havent done that in a while. Ive gotten into the rhythym of working two jobs, but I tend to hoard my very limited free time and use it on sleep or getting stuff taken care of that i'm too tired to do any other day. So it was very cool seeing him. I like being friends with mario. Its an easy and fun friendship.
I say this cuz mark has been calling me. A lot. I'm not going out of my way to avoid him. But I have been considering it lucky that he always calls when I can't pick up the phone. And I havent returned any of his calls. Bah. Jess asked me if I was still mad at mark. I'm really not. I'm just hugely reluctant to get back into being friends with someone who's so sruck on the past. Every conversation with Mark is about his future or his fears or, lately, about getting "the group" back together. Its been more than a YEAR. And on top of that, Mark considers the group to be me, mario, jess, tony, and peter and adriana. Im already cool with jess and mario and adriana. And im comfortable with peter, seeing him all the time at work, but thats the only contact I want with him. And tony, yeah, thats not going to happen. I keep telling him that, but he keeps telling me to "make it work."
So i don't hate mark. But i have so little free time now that i have to prioritize. And if i have 15 minutes to talk, im gonna use it to call aleesha or jaimie or mario or sabiha. I'm not going to waste it wrangling with mark.
Heh, i think this gripe about mark is to help feel less guilty about avoiding him, cuz, he is in a different country and all.
With my parents gone, the house is very very quiet and lonely. I went to sleep straight from the airport and I had some terrible nightmares. I wish i had written them down. It wasnt a long continuous one, but more like a series of vignettes, which is almost worse. More images to be terrified by. In one of them, this man met this girl, and they had a relationship. But one night, back at her place, she tells him that she's been cheating on him, and she brings the other person out. It turns out the the first woman is a guy in drag, and the person she's cheating with is also a guy in drag, and the second guy rapes the boyfriend. It was very violent, and i did not like waking up in an empty house. And I have NO clue what the dream means. The rest were just as violent, but not as vivid.

draco (tom felton) is hot

2008-01-16T07:27:34Z

I was doing a random search on the order of the phoenix, and I found these quotes.

"NO! The trouble is, of course, that girls fancy Tom Felton, but Draco is NOT Tom Felton! (My daughter likes TF very much too, because he taught her how to use a diablo.)” – JK Rowling answering whether or not Draco and Hermione will end up together

“People have been waxing lyrical [in letters] about Draco Malfoy, and I think that's the only time when it stopped amusing me and started almost worrying me. I'm trying to clearly distinguish between Tom Felton, who is a good looking young boy, and Draco, who, whatever he looks like, is not a nice man.” - JK Rowling"

I am very amused. I am a huge fan of Draco/Hermione, and I devour the fanfic. But I hadnt realized that people actually wrote JK Rowling about it. One of the reasons I like the pairing is that it really does make sense. Draco, for all his evilness, was shown to be pretty intelligent throughout the books. It makes sense to me to have Draco and Hermione as a couple. Ron...not so much. I can see Hermione having a school girl crush on him, but for him to end up as her one true love is ridiculous. Hermione is smart and ambitious. Ron is not. And since im on the topic....(DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILER!!!)

I was pretty pissed off at Hermione's epilogue. We find out that Ron is an Auror but all we know about Hermione that she's a Mrs. Weasley and has popped out a couple of kids. REALLY?!? This is someone who has the potential to be headmaster of hogwarts or Minister of Magic. I would sooner believe Hermione as the Auror and Ron the stay at home dad. Hasnt Ron traditionally been the weaker of the threesome? In EVERY aspect? So yeah, I am disgruntled.
I am not saying that JK Rowling needed to make Hermione end up with Draco. (Although that would have rocked) But it kind of sucked that she ended up with Ron. At least, with the Ron that we know. If he'd drastically matured him in the last book, then maybe.
end rant.

atonement, persuasion

2008-01-14T21:31:08Z

I saw atonement last night. I looooooooved it. James Macavoy was amazing, as was the little girl who played young Briony. I really really love James Macavoy. He's just so hot, and he follows it up by being a very good actor as well. The biggest weak spots were Keira Knightley and Romola Garai, and I cannot understand why theyre currently getting so much praise for their performances. But overall, the movie was great. The movie was long, but i was pretty enthralled throughout. I think i might read the book now.
I also watched the new bbc version of persuasion. ulch. normally im a really big fan of rupert penry jones, and i think he did a fairly good job, but overall, the whole thing was terrible. The camera work was all shaky closeups, more like a sitcom pretending to do a documentary than a period piece. But my dislike might have something to do with the fact that i find persuasion one of the weaker of all the austen novels, right behind Mansfield Park. So to begin with, i dont like the characters very much, which makes me sad cuz the story idea is so cool.
I'm curious to see how a modern day remake would turn out, like Clueless or Ten things I hate about you.

strawberry meat

2008-01-13T07:03:51Z

I'm still doing the vegetarian thing, and its going well. Although i am gaining a lot of weight, cuz i tend to eat a lot of pasta and bread and cheese. But no animals! (Fine, I eat seafood. But no land animals. I'm slowly weaning myself off land and bird creatures and then I will tackle sea meat.) I havent really missed meat, no cravings or anything. However, I was eating strawberries today, and they smelled amazing, but they tasted like MEAT. Every bite i took reminded me of sausage or some heavy meat. I'm not sure if i'm hallucinating or not. Like my mind is so crazy for meat that its making me taste it. Or these could be some crazy hormonally treated strawberries that really do have cow parts. I dont know. But if youre gonna buy strawberries, I would stay away from whole foods for the next couple of days.
I am studying very hard for the GRE and its making me angry. It really bugs me that its not enough for me to know the basic concepts, that I have to look out for tricks and sneaky concepts. It frustrates me. And the verbal! I know what the majority of those words mean, but they totally mess with you and pick definition number 4 for an anology. How is that fair? How does this test how well i'll do in grad school? Bah. I am determined to pass and kick ass, but i reserve my right to remain grumpy as i study.
And I am very pleased about the internship resolution. I am doing the counseling program with the san fernando valley counseling center that offers a certificate in counseling, starting tuesday. And in March, I will begin the internship with the san fernando valley trauma center, where i will be a Rape Crisis Advocate. I'll work with rape victims and go with them to the police station while they make their reports. I'm very excited about this, and I cant wait till March.
I felt all good about the grad school attempt, until I realized i'm lacking any research experience. So i talked to my brother about it, and he suggested just latching on to profs at csun and begging them to be a part of their projects.
On monday, I will go begging!

decisions, decisions

2008-01-10T09:03:46Z

I have three volunteer/internships to decide between. I am incredibly happy and lucky that I have these opportunities. But i cant do all. Well, i could, but i couldnt do work as well and i have bills. So i have to choose. But i dont know which one. I thought i had it all figured out, but then the third came, and that threw me for a loop.
The first, at the san fernando valley counseling center is the one i find the least interesting, because its straight counseling, just dealing with people with emotional issues. My main interest has always been in victims of sexual abuse, specifically victims of human trafficking and sexual slavery. BUT..this program offers a certificate in counseling, certifying that i'll have had over 3 months of training plus hands on experience which will look really good on my app. PLUS, some of the schools in london require that I have a counseling certificate, or i'll have to take extra classes if i dont have the certificate, which i cannot afford.
The second program, The San Fernando Valley TRAUMA counseling center (it is different. really!) has a great position as a Rape Crisis Advocate, where you deal with rape victims. They also offer certification, but its not as broad or as thorough as the counseling certificate. But the work is definitely more interesting to me.
The third, Children of the Night, an organization in van nuys that deals with former prostitutes, all under 18. This is EXACTLY what i want to do. But its a volunteer position, not an internship, and they only require a few days a month. And no certification. GAh, i dont know. I have till....tomorrow to decide.
I really really want to apply to grad school RIGHT NOW. But realistically, i wont have a solid application and good options for recomendations until next year, after ive put in some time at an internship and made some connections with people. Its been too long to ask my professors at UCSB for a rec, and my current jobs arent relevant to my field, so those recs wont help. And honestly, i got a rec from paul for a job, and it was dissapointingly generic. One of my old jobs was relevant, and im still in close contact with some of my supervisors, but thats only one rec. I need three. And again, realistically speaking, I wont be in any shape financially for about a year. I'm doing so well on bills, but my debt is still pretty large. Ive been trying to sock away money for grad school, but at this point, even the fees to apply are daunting. (I am stupidly applying to all schools in the UK, so i have to pay in pounds, which means their 60 pound fee is 120$...per school! Just to apply!)
I know that im on the right track, but it feels so agonizingly slow sometimes. Especially being back at bn. I hate it there so much. The people and the job and the managers. I need something concrete to get me through it, a solid date of when i can leave. Of when I cant start my career and finally do something worthwhile and not just work to live.

Eclipse

2008-01-01T22:24:48Z

I read Eclipse by stephenie meyer in Singapore. It took me six hours.
Eclipse came out a while ago, and ive actually owned it for about six months. But I didnt want to read it until i had hours and hours to just devote to it, because i really really adore twilight and new moon and I didnt want to read snatches of it during lunch breaks or in the middle of the night.
I LOVED Eclipse. Every single word and every single scene. LOVED IT. I cannot wait for Midnight Sun and Breaking Dawn.
Its exciting to be a part of a series again, to wait impatiently for the new book to come out and to discuss each book fifty different times online and with friends. Luckily, i was referred to the twilight series by about three different friends, so i dont have to worry about recruiting people. And of course, all the awesome fan art and fan fic that comes from a popular series.
I was huge into harry potter and I think deathly hallows is a great book, but after the goblet of fire, the books lost me. I read them and went to the parties, but only mechanically. There wasnt any actual excitement. In my opinion, Half blood prince and order of the phoenix werent that great.
So its truly awesome to read a series where each book just gets better and better. I love stephenie meyer.
I need to go out and buy twilight in hard cover, cuz the paperback just looks so sad next to the awesome hardcovers of new moon and eclipse.

New Years Eve

2008-01-01T12:36:14Z

heh, so for new years eve, i did nothing. Cuz i fell soundly asleep. The only reason I woke up is because mark called me to say happy new years. Im fairly positive I wasnt coherent at all.
But now i am awake, listening to all the lovely people in canyon country, california cheering and shouting and celebrating.
Its nice.

resolutions, 2008

2008-01-01T00:38:34Z

So far ive been having a grrrreat new years eve day. I went into the barnes and saw some friends. Made new years eve plans. Got to have lunch and catch up a bit with sabiha. yay! Had a very confusing meeting with david. Im honestly not sure how things ended and I am loathe to go back and ask what happened. sigh, but i will, cuz i have to. At one point, he asked me if i still worked there. I realize that I left, and that he is still slightly bitter about that fact by the pointed comments he makes about my 'career' at party america. But enough already. BN is a job, and i never made any pretense about the fact that it was a stop gap. A super long one, but still, only a stop. I give this as a reason every time i turn down a lead position. im flattered, but its not fair for him to get bitter because i dont want more responsibility there.
And i'm insanely glad I left. if i hadnt, i wouldve been stuck in the same rut. Leaving allowed me to figure out what I want and how to go after it. I'm super excited about the new year. An internship at a counseling center. School, to raise my gpa. Two jobs (okay, not so much excited about that. But i'm excited about paying my bills. My account is almost at 4 digits. I can pay everything. On time!! And i have a savings account!) And hopefully, sometime this year i'll get an acceptance into a grad program at a UK university.
The Resolutions: 1)the vegetarian thing. 2)And getting a life. I havent hammered out the details yet, but personally, im in a rut. No, its more like a vast underground cavern, where its all dark and echoey. And no cute boys ever wander. So my new years resolutions is to stop being so comfortable. To stop hiding behind jess and mario and the same familiar friends and go out and do new things and meet new people and be new things. Cuz i do want to meet "the one" but first, i want to meet a lot of someones. And just have fun in general. So i need to let go of what i think things should be and just go. Like, i got invited to a party next week. My first reaction: no way. i dont know anyone there, blah blah. But i think im just gonna go, and see what happens. And i'm embracing the online thing too. I used to be pretty strict about only talking to people i already know. But im branching out! talking to everyone and anyone. yay humanity!
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope its good for all of you!

new year!

2007-12-30T17:45:35Z

it is december 30th, 2007.
Im not going to post on bangladesh right away, or if I do, its not going to be a big long post. I'm still feeling everything. I'll probably post in drabbles as things occur to me because I'm incredibly jet lagged and sick right now. Whenever I go someplace, im never jet lagged when i get there, but i'm always hideously jet lagged when I get back. I don't know if this happens to everyone, but everytime i go to sleep, I wake up and don't know where I am. its terrifying and it sucks. And it always takes at least a minute before i realize, hey, i'm in my room. Bah..but it should be over soon.
Things ive decided: i'm becoming vegetarian. Stuff happened over there thats making me increasingly rethink the whole carnivore thing. i didnt want to rush into it, so i spent the last couple weeks thinking about it, but now i'm decided. Ive eaten A LOT of meat over the last week and I feel good about my decision. i start today. I am a vegetarian. Luckily, i live in california where it is incredibly easy. I'm going to swing by whole foods today and pick up some food.
Erin asked for letters for her christmas present. As in, she wants me to start sending her letters as communication instead of emails. I started on the plane. My hand started cramping. I didnt realize how little I actually write by hand. It feels so slow. But i get why she wants it. She likes tangible things, all filled with meaning. Bah...it is more work on my part, cuz i have to be all thoughtful and stuff.
I saw Lars and the real girl last night. its such a great movie. I highly recommend it.
Off to make another grilled cheese. I have a feeling im going to be eating a whole lotta cheese until i get used to eating veggies as a main meal.

leaving tomorrow!

2007-12-11T18:34:41Z

my head is full of bahs and gahs today.
Last night, I had an interview for the San Fernando Counseling Center. I got the internship, but I have misgivings. She said most of the counselors are generally older and the clients might have a problem dealing with a counselor in their 20's. Plus, eventually, i'm going to actually have to counsel people. It feels enormous. But this is what I wanted to do, so i need to decide if im scared because its so huge, or because its not what I want to do.
I am leaving in less than 24 hours and I have yet to pack.
All i want to do is stay in bed and read fic.

roy dupuis, matt nathanson

2007-12-10T08:25:37Z

I leave in two days!!! Two!
I was pretty productive today too. I spent all day sleeping, playing with itunes (music for a 38 hour/almost two day journey is important!) or watching season 1 of la femme nikita.
I'd forgotten how much I really liked Roy DuPuis as Michael. He brought this perfect badass-vulnerable-with a heart of gold-but still totally evil-but you love him anyway- vibe that Michael Vartan or David Boreanaz tried but failed to achieve. Mostly the evilness. Angel and Michael Vaughan were supposed to be these bad ass agents/vamps, and I loved watching them, but really, those two would have been slaughtered in real life. Roy Dupuis makes you feel like in his real life he could totally take on a terrorist or two while still looking completely unruffled. There was this perfect scene where he had a confrontation with a woman that he'd seduced and eventually betrayed. Instead of being the good guy and consoling her, he just stood there and let her hate him. It was so great. I read a review of him once where they said he never yelled or smiled on the show. Its true! I dont ever remember hearing him raise his voice. But he's still sooo authoritative and cool. I love him.
I need to check up on his backlog of movies. Since he is Quebecois and tends to not stray too far from there, the majority of his movies are in french. But that will be a great way to get some french practice in.
I also downloaded all of Matt Nathanson from iTunes. Thanks Jess for introducing me to him! And yeah, it totally cracks me up that he's the poppiest of all the songs on the cd she made me. But I ADORE his voice. And his songs. I havent stopped playing him since I bought them. My shuffle is pretty much a mishmash of him, coldplay, arcade fire(thanks mario!), flipsyde, jesse mccartney, linkin park and random bits here and there. Hey! I don't have any girls on there! I have to fix that.
Tomorrow! I get to exchange presents with Mario and Jess. I am excited about that. And I am pleased I get to see Mario before I go. And I am hugely pleased about our presents for him.

immaturity

2007-12-04T09:12:34Z

You know how you want to do the right thing and step up and be the mature one? Yeah, right now i'm completely failing. For a while Tony and I were pretty good about equally avoiding each other. It was great. I only had to do half the avoiding. But now he's started coming over and joining the conversations that i'm a part of. And I am the one who walks away. Bah. I have no better reason that that i really do dislike him. And I can't make myself stay when he's around. I know I should. But I dont. So okay, for now, I'm willing to concede that I am being completely, baselessly immature. Gah. We were partners in crime, he and I. He would be obnoxious and I could despise him with a clear conscience. If he's going to start being mature, were going to have to rework the whole thing.
In other work related news, I had a fun conversation with nic today. We were talking about buffets at strip bars and who exactly goes to see strippers at 11am. So we got all excited and decided to go have lunch at a strip club someday soon. Ironically, a customer came in and asked for change in all ones cuz he was going to a bachelor party tonight. This was clearly in the forefront of my mind when mario asked what we should do for mark's birthday. Luckily he shot down my immediate suggestion of "Strip club buffet!".
I do not know what I am doing tomorrow, but there will be some combination of packing, photoshopping, working, mario-ness, SLEEP and maybe, if i get to her early enough, lunch with jess.

awake..but soo tired

2007-12-04T08:51:36Z

I am in a wierd state right now. Excited but grounded. Exhausted, but can't sleep. Doing practical things, but daydreaming about edinburgh. Today was the first day in a week that I havent had a double shift, so I had the rest of the day off after work. It was pretty glorious.
First, i came home and found my mom making hamburgers. I do not know why, because she didnt know I would be home and no one else was supposed to be home for hours. Was she expecting a troop of boyscouts? Who knows. But i ate one and immediately went to bed and slept (SLEEP!) for 4 hours. I woke up with a strange urgency to get X's present. So i threw on shoes and a jacket and YAY! they only had one left, so i grabbed it, bought some xmas cards and came home. I also stopped off to pick up Y's present. I hope they like it. They were the two that I really really wanted to get done shopping for, so i am very pleased. I have a couple of knickknacks i have in mind, but main shopping for each of them is done.
For some reason, my entire family was home tonight, so we had chinese and watched tv while I wrapped my presents and sent off xmas cards. The chinese was terrible. I am full but dissapointed.
As my trip looms closer, ive been FREAKING out. No excitement or anticipations. Just straight fear about going to a country where i barely speak the language. But today my aunt julie and my cousin aleesha called and we spent a bit of time squeeing about the things were going to do and how many days till we see each other. so NOW i am excited. To see them and to do the promised things. I think i just needed to know that i would have some people there who wouldnt be judging me and who already know me. But oh my god, i need to pack. Tomorrow, the number of days dwindles down to single digets. (8 days! OH MY GOD)
I know I slept, and I should be sleeping now. My eyes have that soreness that comes when you've been up too long. But my mind wont stop! I hate insomnia. It doesnt make sense. My body NEEDS sleep. If I'm so exhausted during every other part of my day, why can't i fall asleep when i'm actually in bed? It feels like my mind and body are fighting each other. Usually my mind wins and my poor body has to roam throughout the house, counting down the hours I have to go to work while i waste time messing around.

bono

2007-11-28T09:15:23Z

i found this clip of bono talking about a song he wrote about the famine in Ethiopia.

"blessed is the sexworker who sold her body tonight, she had to use what she's got to save her children tonight."
yeah, thats why i wanna do what i wanna do. Because people who are doing whatever they can to survive in life shouldn't have to hide in shame because they did it in a way the rest of the world disapproves of. I struggle with my family and my culture because I know they agree with me and how i feel, but they also don't want to hear about it or for me to talk about it, because its about sex and abuse. But that shame is exactly part of the problem.
anyway, watch it. as always, bono is brilliant.

bad mood

2007-11-22T09:39:20Z

i am in a bad, bad bad mood. And i dont want to inflict it on anyone, because i dont think they would talk to me anymore, cuz i feel mean. So ive locked myself up in my room and am brooding.
Its mainly because i'm tired. and hungry. and bitter. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and i have to wake up in the morning and go to work. My family is already all settled in, looking forward to a day off in the middle of the week, and i have to get ready for work tomorrow.
and work tonight sucked. the sad thing is, it really didnt have to. my manager jonathan was in a really good mood. Like he was relaxed and joking and let us do what we wanted...within reason. it is jonathan after all. I like everyone else i work with...except for fucking tony. He started within the first hour. He told everyone that he needed to talk to me. and i mean everyone. Jonathan and DAVID tracked me down to tell me tony was looking for me. So i find tony and ask him whats up. He doesnt even look at me, he just says he doesnt know what i'm talking about and why would he want to talk to me anyway. So im pissed off already, and the day just started. And at the end of the night, after the store is closed, jonathan tells me to clean the bathrooms...over the freaking intercom. And i can hear tony laughing hysterically across the floor. In the TWO years that i have worked at bn, i have never heard a manager ask anyone to clean the bathrooms as an end of the night task. but what really infuriated me was that tony, who hasnt spoken or looked at me in a YEAR chooses tonight to look me in the eye and talk to me. What does he say? "so how was the men's bathroom?"
I fucking HATE him. And i hate that he told Des she has to choose between us. What, are we divorced and now we have to split up the kids? what is going on here? On my first day of work, i honestly truly though we would be fine to work together. I even gloated about it with jess. And now i cant even look at him because im so freaking disgusted by his pettyness. Plus, there's the fact that he spent the entire night waltzing around with amy doing NOTHING, and then all of a sudden its 11pm and i have to do his section. and i hate the way he keeps opening doors for me. No im not insane. He has this way of holding them open for me when I'm way far away, like on the other side of a room, so were both standing there awkwardly not looking at each other but having to wait for each other. And he keeps his big stupid body in the doorway so i have to duck underneath his arm to get past. I dont want him anywhere near me!
and THEN..i come home and im starving. I woke up at 4 am to work at the bean and i got off work at 1145pm from bn. All i had to eat all day was a bagel. So im home and im practically in tears cuz im so frustrated and hungry and i know i have to go to bed so i can wake up, and my dad just completely ignores me cuz he's playing chess with my brother. the last straw was them mentioning that they'd gotten a pizza. But hadnt saved any for me because they thought i wouldnt want any. Anyone who knows me knows that i could be in a coma and i would wake up for pizza.
so yeah, right this second, i hate everything and everyone.

upcoming, feet

2007-11-20T19:16:34Z

When I became friends with Jess and Mario, I knew they were hugely into graphic novels and comics. I never held it against them, cuz they have other qualities too. But we've been friends for a couple of years now, and theyve eroded me down to the point that I voluntarily go ON MY OWN to comic book stores and ive gotten into a couple graphic novel series'. But the last straw for me was when I saw an article on ANGEL season 6 thats coming out on wednesday, and found myself thinking that I need to read that. I am anticipating a COMIC. That reminds me, i need to get a hold of the rest of runaways.
I think thats what i'll do today. Catch up on some of my brothers' comics. I had all sorts of grandiose plans today, cuz it is MY DAY OFF. yay! But when i got out of bed and started walking around, my feet actually cramped up. If youve never experienced it, it is a ridiculously painful and awkward feeling.
So for now I will coddle my feet and marathon wonderfalls and watch the live action, recent version of peter pan. (NO robin williams)

fun!

2007-11-20T08:53:11Z

today was long..very long. Woke up at 6 to go to work at 7. I was the envy of all the girls at work cuz Jason flirted with me. He actually came back on his lunch break and asked to talk to me, and we hung out for a bit. It was cool, but he is not the one i'm pining for. I rocked hot bar today. FINALLY. I'm getting the hang of this stupid coffee thing. Made the mistake of telling deanna why my nickname is bullmoose. I now go by MOOOOOSEhead at work. Generally bellowed in as loud a voice as possible. Went to second job. Got to have lunch with erica. YAY! and lo..there was much squeeing in the land. Went home to collapse in bed and rest my feet. Woke up, called Jess. went out for hot chocolate, chicken and chocolate ice cream and a walk with jess and erica. Picked up by adriana in front of vons. More squeeing. Voted least intimidating. I lost to ERICA. Bed.
Quote of the day:
"Your hair looks like the sun menstruated on it."
Thanks jess! Sweeter words have never been spoken to me.

freaking out

2007-11-16T09:22:39Z

I am experiencing a crisis of anxiety right now. I really, really want to get into grad school, and im doing what i think will get me in, but times like now, i get scared and I wonder if its a GIANT waste of time. And it scares me even more when i start getting ambitious. My dad asked me tonight exactly what I planned on getting my masters in. I started telling him, masters in counseling, probably with an emphasis on family/child therapy, cuz thats the what the schools that i can reasonably expect to get into offer. But then i veered off into talking about clinical psychology, because the more research I do, the more that clinical psychology fits exactly what I want to do, specifically work with survivors of sexual abuse and trafficking. But all these crazy thoughts of clinical psychology were just...wishful thinking on my part. I didnt realize i was taking it seriously. I KNOW my undergrad and current lifestyle in no way make me a candidate for it. So i have no idea why i brought it up. but i can feel myself gearing up to try for it. And im scared!! cuz thats a way bigger leap than counseling. And i can barely see myself getting into grad program for that!
I'm part of a community that is purely about discussing your grad app, and it disheartens me when i read about people who are going exactly what im going for, but of course, their app is 1000 times better and THEYRE scared. what chance do i have?
I KNOW what i want to do with my life NOW, and it frustrates me that, because i didnt know before, and so didnt really direct my life to achieve it in any way, that I WONT be able to make it happen now. How can i be happy doing anything else when THIS is what i want to do?
And today...sometimes i feel so frustrated at how juvenile and incomptent I must come off. I went to home depot to buy some staining supplies. I'm redoing our cabinets, which ive done before, so i know what im looking for and what im doing. but when the home depot guy comes around, and i ask him where something is, i lose all my words, and i start saying things like, "i need that stuff, ya know, the one that pre-stains. Or that other stuff, that does the thing?" The guy immediately starts talking down to me, and telling me im wrong and everything im doing is wrong. I know im not, but i cant correct myself, so i just thank him and walk away. I eventually found everything i needed at wal-mart. I KNOW what im doing? why can i ever present myself like i do?

gifts

2007-11-15T10:08:48Z

I cleaned my room today. It is beeeyootiful. Everything's neat and in a place and there's no more piles of clothes and books and random detritus. When I was done, I laid down on my carpet (theres enough room to stretch out now. I can do yoga!) and I just looked around. And I noticed that a lot of my decorations are gifts from people I love.
A tiny coin pot with the three muses that sakinah got me from greece. A card with a line drawing of the spanish embassy from her trip to italy. (this was when i was big on moving to spain) Inside of the coin pot are a gold ring in the shape of a lily with a pearl in the center. And a pair of matching earrings. They were a present from my grandfather. My cousin Karishma has the same set. My dad's side tends to run to boys, and me and karishma are the only girls. So he wanted to celebrate his granddaughters. There is also a gold ring with a red, green and purple stone from my aunt. She was wearing it one day and I complimented her on it. She took it off her finger and gave it to me. A candle from sakinah, sabiha and aliyah when they went to hawaii. A gorgeous black sarong with brilliant blue flowers, also from hawaii. (I got a ton of gifts from that trip cuz it happened to coincide with my birthday, my college graduation and belated eid gifts.) The Sign of Water, from The Dark is Rising, that my brother made for me when he took ceramics in high school. Post cards, from Jess and Erin and Aleesha and my parents
And my favorite, one of the balcony from romeo and juliet, that Mario sent me from italy. I love that I got it while i was reading the play. A dream catcher from Erin. A blue candle in a square, black, leafy, metal holder. The five of us were on a birthday hangout in venice, so we all bought each other the same candle as a memento. i got blue. Rashad, white. Sakinah, red. Sabiha, green. Aliyah, lavender. A black beret, that mario got me from france. The purple lei ms. wenska gave all of us to represent academic decathalon when we graduated high school. A hangy thing, with dolphins and little mirrors, that erin bought me on a whim when we went to the swap meet.
I like my room.

bangladesh horrors

2007-11-13T19:24:02Z

conversation between me and aleesha:

me: so im a little worried about not knowing the language well enough.
aleesha: you'll be fine! thats what youre worried about? I'm worried about the giant lizards, you know, the tickies? and the freaking snakes everywhere.
me: (screaming)
aleesha: (screaming in sympathy.) I know!
my dad: what?! what?
me: did you know there are LIZARDS AND SNAKES there?!
my dad: no of course not
me: (glaring)
my dad: well, maybe. okay, but theyre tiny. they just stare at you and then run away.
me: (on the phone with united, checking how much it costs to change my ticket to australia)

things i am excited about

2007-11-09T09:21:12Z

so i got a second job, which is really going to help with bills and school. I am not happy about it, but whatever. I'm doing what i need to do.
But! I also got this opportunity to volunteer with the san fernando mental health center as a counselor. They train you for eight weeks, then you get to work with clients. The best part: the training days happen to fall on the exact days I have off every week from both jobs AND, while the orientation is saturday, it doesnt start until i get back from bangladesh. Its perfect and incredibly serendipitous. It is also very perfect because i have been looking for hands on experience to make me more desirable to grad schools. PLUS! I talked to the advisor at csun about research opportunities, and he told me about this center right near csun that works with victims of rape and violent trauma, which is EXACTLY the work I want to do. And he said that I could even get grad credit for working there.
AND...studying for the GRE is going awesome. I took a practice test and i improved 100 points on math and 200 on verbal! So im feeling good about taking the test in a month. which will also help my chances for grad school.
So im kind of simultaneously excited about the future and dreading it. I don't like my jobs, but im completely psyched about school and volunteering. yay!
Finally, i did my nails tonight and they are very pretty. Doing something girly always makes me happy. I attempted to curl my hair, but it is much, much more difficult than it looks. Despite watching several youtube videos and carefully listening to my stylist when she curled my hair...it did not take. I ended up with three really solid curls and the rest this flat, oddly kinked mess.
I'm 26 years old and this is the first time since i turned 17 that i've felt even remotely like i know what I want or where i'm going. It feels really really good.

hee...

2007-11-09T08:30:13Z

Come not between the rameena and his wrath.

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

wiiiiiiii

2007-11-07T00:28:59Z

I played wii with my brother last night. I kicked his ass in boxing but he smoked me in tennis. And now i am ridiculously sore. But now i am slightly addicted. Wiiiii!

funny moment

2007-11-07T00:24:46Z

i'm watching the ellen degeneres show with my dad and she's doing this bit with a guy dressed in a big foot costume. My dad turns to me and says, with great delight, "thats fake!"