Tales of a Struggling Fandom Addict

cackling!

2015-08-20T02:33:27Z

so i once had an lj. why do i have so much unfinished fanfic locked?!

the consistency of midnight bandit

2012-04-25T11:49:06Z

Holy shit! Was just scanning over my profile page to see when my Paid Membership expired and saw that I hadn't updated my journal since like June of last year. Unacceptable! Anybody from my f-list still around these parts?

Glee Round Robin- Worst Superpower Ever, Ch. 8/?

2011-02-26T20:44:03Z

Title: Worst Superpower Ever, Ch. 8/? (Is There Nothing Sacred!)
Author: Queen Green
Category: Glee
Summary: Based on this prompt: Rachel is an accidental pervert - she has the unfortunate ability to catch girls in all states of undress or somehow ends up in compromising positions with them constantly. She's gotten used to it, until it starts happening with an alarming frequency with Quinn. Based on a prompt in the Glee Kink Meme. Part of the gleewriteoff
Pairings: Faberry; Mild Beiste/Rachel (yeah, I went there)
Length: 1300+
Rating: PG-13
A/N: So this is far overdue and way delayed. My apologies completely; real life sort of through me through a loop and I lost track of finishing/posting this. Regardless, I feel like an ass, but hopefully the chapter is worth the wait. If not, I understand if you want to hit me, but please avoid my nose. Also, big thanks to the amazing vsquared_k for playing beta for this chapter; so grateful!

Prologue (written by vsquared_k )
Chapter 1 (written by llaurorall )
Chapter 2 (written by first_love88 )
Chapter 3 (written by rainbowruse )
Chapter 4 (written by shyath )
Chapter 5 (written by vsquared_k )
Chapter 6 (written by kiarcheo )
Chapter 7 (written by bladeddarkness )

“Coach Beiste, I promise you that it wasn’t what it looked like, out there with Kurt,” Rachel blurted out, as they entered the locker room. She had no idea how she was going to explain this away. At this point, she might as well just send out a school wide email advising everyone to steer clear of her. Yeah, that would so help, confirming to everyone how much of a freak she really was.

“Ms. Beiste, if I may be afforded an opportunity to present my perspective on today’s earlier event, I think it may be most beneficial in helping you to understand the struggle I’ve been asked to bear in life,” Rachel spoke more evenly than she expected, still flustered and embarrassed by the hallway’s events.

“It all started when I was 13-years old, just on the cusp of womanhood. It was a warm summer evening, and I had ventured to a friend’s pool party,” the brunette offered whimsically, remembering how close she and Quinn had once been. It was at the blonde’s pool party that she was first deemed a ‘freak,’ a title she would carry for years after that night.

“We had indulged in various pool activities through much of the gathering, before enjoying a delicious meal of hot dogs-- mine were vegan of course-- and potato chips. After waiting the proper amount of time necessary to prevent cramps and subsequent drowning, my friend challenged me to a competition: who could perform the greatest acrobatics underwater. It seems like such a pointless endeavor in retrospect, but alas, when challenged I must always compete,” the diva stated decisively. Shannon wondered how long she should let this story continue before stopping the brunette.

“As we twirled and flipped through the water, we seemed to slip closer together, ignoring the safety risk of attempting such feats in such close proximity. During one particular attempt, I aimed to complete a double flip before finishing into a handstand. I executed the move flawlessly, of course, but somehow missed that my foot had brushed against my friend’s chest at some point, pulling her bikini top off. I don’t remember much after that. Except for a lot of yelling and my daddy rushing to come get me. Qui—the girl told everyone I stared at her bare chest for at least a minute, but even if that was true, it was only out of shock, not some perverted need to see her naked at any given opportunity,” the brunette trailed off.

“Anyway, that small moment set into motion a series of events that continue to baffle me to this day, one of which you were privy to just moment’s ago. As you can clearly see, this is merely the universe’s attempts at—” Rachel continued on before being halted by Shannon.

“Rachel, that is all great, but you can put a beak on a llama; doesn’t mean it’ll fly over Lake Michigan in the fall,” Coach Beiste responded. The brunette looked at the woman quizzically.

“Look, I know you kids have a lot of feelings right now, hormones and all, but you’ve got to know that kind of behavior isn’t acceptable in school, Rachel.” Coach Beiste explained. “I would have never expected something like that from you. And I thought that Kurt kid was gay?”

“I know, Coach Beiste, and yes, he is, though I do not understand why his sexual or affectual orientation is relevant to this conversation,” Rachel answered, before realizing that it wasn’t the time to argue the importance of inclusive and respectful behavior towards students of all orientations. A beat later, she responded, “I’m so sorry. And I swear it’s not my fault. I just have this… thing, and people keep losing their clothes around me. I’ve tried and tried to stop it and it keeps happening and I just want it to go away, but I can’t help it!” Rachel grew more frenetic with each word, breaking down in tears by the end of her speech.

Shannon panicked, not knowing how to calm the now hysterical girl. She moved towards the brunette, settling next to her. A subtle but distinct ripping noise went unnoticed as the older woman sat down on the locker room bench to comfort the now sobbing girl. She wrapped her arms around Rachel, bringing her into an awkward hug, as she quietly soothed that it would all be okay, that they’d figure out some way to fix whatever was causing the girl such distress.

Honestly, after the first few words from the diva, everything else sounded like a blubbering mess to the woman. She caught something about clothes and not being able to stop and…

The coach was brought out of her thoughts as Rachel began screeching out, “Why me?! What did I ever do to deserve this! I thought I was a good person, but now all I feel is dirty. So dirty. No one will ever be able to love a freak like me! WHY, OH GOD WHY?!!!!!”

“That’s not true Rachel. You are a good person. From what I can tell you’re phenomenally talented, smart, driven and for someone so young, very sure of who you want to be in life. You’re special,” the older woman finished softly.

Rachel pulled herself slightly out of Coach Beiste’s embrace, but not fully out of her hold. She looked into the coach’s eyes and was surprised by the gentle, almost reverent look the woman was sending her. She thought for a moment that Coach Beiste’s face was slowly moving closer to her own, but no, that would never happen…

--------------------------

Quinn knew no good could come of Rachel being alone with anyone, even someone as mild-mannered and clear-headed as Coach Beiste. She hurried towards the boy’s locker room, trying to conjure a decent excuse to pull Rachel away. The Cheerio couldn’t figure out why she was so set on rescuing the girl, but reasoned away that she wasn’t doing it for the brunette’s benefit. Someone has to protect the (semi, but not at all)-innocent females of McKinley from the perverse powers of RuPaul, she thought to herself.

The blonde finally rounded the corner towards the locker room and thrusting the door open to see Rachel clutched in the arms of the coach.

“Is there nothing sacred to you Manhands?! Is there no one you’ll leave untouched by your wickedness?!” Quinn shouted indignantly.

“What’s going on Quinn? Did something happen?” Coach Beiste inquired as she released Rachel and moved off the bench towards the blonde. After two steps forward, she stumbled, realizing that her shorts had fallen off of her waist and pooled around her ankles. She froze, gripped in a confused stupor. As she looked up at the cheerleader, then back to the diva, she saw that both girls gaping back at her in a similar state of shock.

Quinn opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, searching for something to say, anything to say, for that matter. Her eyes finally flickered away from the older woman to Rachel, and she remembered why she came into the locker room in the first place.

“Coach Sylvester requested that I retrieve Berry. Something about administering a punishment so severe that it’ll make a visit to Guantanamo seem like a spa day in the Caribbean,” the blonde forced out quickly.

Quinn rushed towards Rachel, pulling her from the bench. She gripped the girl’s hand before Coach Beiste could protest, yanking her out the room, and speeding down the hall. The brunette had no idea where they were headed, but was in too much of a “Quinn”-induced stupor to put up much of a protest.

As they reached the door leading out to the football field, they suddenly halted, realizing that the hands were still together, fingers somehow intertwining during their race to the exit. Both girls slowly let their gaze trail up the other before finally letting their eyes meet. Quinn felt enraptured by the chocolate gaze of the brunette’s eyes, and suddenly, as if grabbing onto a live wire she felt a jolt of electricity surge through, settling below her waist. She knew this feeling. This could not be happening to her, not right now, not with this girl!

As she continued to stare into Rachel’s eyes, she heard herself quietly release two words.

“Oh fuck.”

A/N 2: So what did you think? Should I put on my sneakers and prepare to run from an army of pitchforks and torches? Feel free to comment with such angry passions below. And if you're interested in taking the next chapter, let me know, so I can inform vsquared_k or bladeddarkness . Thanks!

x

National Day of Silence

2010-04-16T11:27:54Z

So I know my entire f-list is not from the U.S., but today is recognized across the States, in 100s of high school and colleges/universities, as Day of Silence. In observance of this day, students take a vow of silence in order to symbolize the collective and common silence many in the LGBTQQI (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, and intersex) have to face on a daily basis out of fear of reprisal or threat to their safety due to their gender or sexual/affectional expression. Even if you don't take a vow of silence today (it can be for part of the day as well), please at least recognize and respect those who may be. For more information, feel free to visit the linked site. Sometimes you'd be surprised just how loud your silence can be.

Friends-Cut Complete; Sorry If You Got Cut!

2009-12-28T23:32:14Z

So yeah, I finished the whole f-list cut a few days ago and forgot to mention that on a public post. If you're still on my f-list, you should be able to see this post; if you can't you're no longer on my f-list. If you were cut, it's nothing personal, it's just that we don't talk much and I kind of stopped paying attention to your journals cause of the whole lack of interaction. There were also a few people cut because they don't seem to be on LJ much in general, so yeah, sorry about that. If you still want to be friends, feel free to comment here, though I can't guarantee anything. It's also quite possible that I just accidentally cut you (I think I dropped about 18 people altogether, and I'm prone to accidents). Message me if you don't feel comfortable commenting about it.

Hope all is well on teh ElJay and even if you're no longer on my f-list, may our paths cross again amicably in the future! : )

MY QUEER THEATER/FILM CLASS IS HELLA AWESOME!!!

2009-09-29T13:52:25Z

*But first, before I present why my class is awesome, can anyone please help me customize my journal? I'm so rusty on CSS that it's embarrassing!*

MIDTERM EXAM, PART 2
TAKE HOME COMPONENT
Length 7-10 pages, approximate; MLA style
Complete ONE of the assignments listed here:
[Choice A omitted due to the fact that I'm obviously writing option B.]

B
Choose one of your favorite films of or a film that you think is particularly appropriate for examination through a queer lens. View your chosen film, then “queer” it, i.e., cite classroom readings and discussions, and gather outside research to formulate a queer reading of your film. In your paper, weave in a discussion of what you consider to be the more appropriate scholarly approach for looking at film classics through a queer lens: Number 1 or Number 2, below.

Regarding an examination of the relationship of queerness to mainstream texts and films, Doty offers two routes that scholars can take:

1. Scholars can co-optively and subversively “”queer” certain films in established straight canons in order to place them in their own subcultural, queer canons that challenge straight canons, or
2. Scholars can articulate queer readings of canonical classics in order to suggest that these films are not the exclusive property of straight culture—that these films are as queer as they are straight, and that there is no need for queer canons that are marked as alternative or subcultural because queerness can be everywhere.

A word on style for this paper: Doty discusses the phenomenon of the scholar-fan (pp. 11-13) and the binary distinction between fans and academics and fans:

1. Academics produce writing that focuses on a close textural reading of the film and related scholarly writing, while avoiding the use of the first person and any other infusion of the author into the writing, whereas
2. Scholar-fans produce writing that reveals the investments that the author has in the film that produced certain readings and that led the author to write about a particular film in the first place.

It's like everything I've done in fandom over the last few years. It's academic-approved slash-goggles!!!!!

Just for lulz, anyone want to offer any suggestions (though I got plenty to go on already)!

Edit: And what did I finally settle of writing about? This movie:

Shameless Weekly Self Promotion (and a little Skins!)

2009-09-03T01:14:51Z

Per the usual, anybody want to hear the sound of my awkward voice on the radio (I've been told it's oddly appealing)? Well it's that time of the week again! It's Talk Nerdy To Me time (it's on at 9pm EST and it's a two-hour show)!!! The name kind of says it all. There's a lot of nerdcore played and general geekery discussed. You can hear it online by going to wprkdj.org and clicking "Listen Online," which should be top center of the page. There will be a srs discussion of Felicia Day's hotness, and how pissed off I am about the Disney buy-out of Marvel, among other things. Also, for anyone who watches Aqua Teen Hunger Force, we've got two world premieres by MC Chris! The show is also being recorded again tonight, so I'll post in up later! LISTEN NOW THOUGH, NONETHELESS! AND PARTICIPATE IN THE CHAT!!! ^_^
Edit: So the show's going through a bit of a transition right now, so sorry about any awkwardness. I'm just getting acclimated to radio in general, so overall I'm still a little iffy on the whole pace and feel. I pinpointed a major issue though tonight: I don't know when to step back a bit. Now that know this, I think I'm personally going to get a lot better on air. The download will be up in a few and feel free to listen and offer advice! : )

AND HOLEY JAMOLEY! KAYA'S CONVINCING THE WHOLE SKINS CAST TO TWEET! My absolutely fave thus far is Ollie who I just realized, besides Lily, is the most likely person in the cast that I'd fall in love with IRL. He's such an adorable little geek! Earlier today he had his whole twit-list playing movie trivia. I naturally got the Star Wars quote immediately and flailed all around for a few seconds at my geekiness finding a purpose in life! AND CAN WE PLEASE GET MEG ON TWITTER ASAP! KAYA, SHE'S YOUR FLATMATE; CONVINCE HER ALREADY!!!

Alright bbs-- chill out! It could be okay... maybe.

2009-08-25T02:45:11Z

Fair warning: you may not agree with a lot of this. Bitch at me as you will, just don't be surprised if I call you a cunt right back. It's just my opinion, but I don't presume or assume I'm winning any hearts or minds with this post. Just thought I'd say that upfront. Also, sorry about any spelling or grammar errors. this was typed in a flourish.

Ok, so I know a lot of my f-list is about damn near breaking down over the announcement that MTV has attained the right to US Skins, but seriously, was this unexpected? More importantly, is this really that tragic? I don't think it is. I mean honestly, I don't think it's going to play well, regardless of the network, but did anyone have higher expectations/hopes. If there's any network that might have a hope of retaining some of the original spirit of the show, I think it's going to be MTV. I mean, maybe HBO could have done it, but that would have never happened so MTV seems like a fair next best option. I think some of us are forgetting that MTV didn't always suck, and when it makes a genuine attempt at scripted-television or just decent television, it's got a decent track record. So this is my top 5 reasons why this whole deal could be okay. Breathe easy bbs; its not the end of the world... yet.

5. It could have been so much worse.

I'm fairly certain I heard a while back that both Fox and the CW were involved in the bidding war. Do I really have to explain why the networks that brought you The O.C. and 90210 would have butchered the whole thing to disgusting proportions? Beyond that, let's imagine other networks that regularly show teen fair, beyond MTV. You've basically got ABC Family and The N (South of Nowhere and Degrassi's network btw). The prospect of Skins on ABC Family is about as laughable as it gets, and do you really want Skins to look anything like SON? I think not!

4. It's going to be set in Baltimore.

I adore Skins in part because of it's setting. It's not London proper, which is what you get the most of in youth British tv. Not to mention the fact that Baltimore is... well Baltimore. It's not exactly a picturesque American city, and as someone who's got family there, I can tell you that it's not glamorous in the least. Now is the whole city really like they show on The Wire-- no-- but, it's definitely got a certain air about it that I think will adapt well to the show. It's a city where you've got to find ways to past the time, while constantly avoiding some of the grimier, more destructive qualities of what urban decay brought, and that's going to make for interesting television IMHO.

3. When MTV attempts to not put something out that's total shit, they're actually pretty okay.

So before the Laguna Beach revolution, where the whole network feel into the shitty, psuedo reality-tv business, MTV actually had a pretty decent record when they tried. Might I remind you of the Ben Stiller Show, Daria, and even one of the newer programs 16 & Pregnant. It's not all shit, and the network came to be known as the voice of a generation for a reason. The network is a little untested when it comes to plain scripted, dramatic series (no, The Hills does not count). But a lot of its legit documentary-style programs have been winsome, realistic, and moving (case in point Made), but I doubt any network is going to get give the show as much of a shot as MTV. In it's best and worst times, the network has proven its determination to push boundaries. A lot of time that ends ups downright exploitative, but some times, you have those gems of a program, that brings out something honest and true, which takes me to my next point.

2. True Life. It deserved a spot all unto itself. Shit get's real regularly. If anyone's worried about censors, consult this show.

The first time I caught this series was in 2003, about four/five years after its start. The special was I'm Hooked On OxyContin and I'll never forget the moment one of the guys began to heat up the pills in a spoon. First off, I had no clue people shot up OxyContin, but beyond that, I couldn't believe that they'd put something out there so... plainly. It wasn't sensational or sugar-coated; it just was, and it was both a painful and a powerful image to see. Throughout the years, they've covered many a topic, ranging from teenage addiction, eating disorders, chronic partying, and sex. And I can't think of a single one that hasn't surprised me in some way. But if there's one I think stuck out to me more than the first special I saw, it's Matthew's Murder, which was taped shortly after Matthew Shepard's murder. I've of course only been able to catch the re-airings and watched it within the context of a research paper, but it's a sublimely powerful piece of work, that covers a lot of the shock, uncertainty, and fear surrounding Matt's brutal murder. It's episodes like that that make me confident in at least the very potential of the network to produce a quality adaptation of the show.

1. Bryan Elsely is still along for the ride. Heck, he's captaining the ship! (Jamie Brittain's supposed to be there too!)

According to MTV's senior vice president of series development, Liz Gateley,"Skins is one of those rare shows that cuts through to its core audience with unusually authentic stories due to the unique writing and casting process that Bryan [Elsley] pioneered. Having personally pursued the UK project for almost two years, I am beyond thrilled to bring it to MTV in the US. We intend to preserve the authenticity of the British version and are excited to collaborate with the original team to develop stories that will speak to American youth."

Now originally, this is actually what terrified me the most. Because while I love and adore the both of them, the great thing about what they did was that they brought forth a previously under-heard voice, that of the Bristolian youth. Jamie in particular took very pained measures to make sure they weren't trying to imitate the posh culture of London youth, but instead try to bring forth stories he knew. This becomes a problem in dealing with American youth, particularly Baltimore youth, when you don't have any of those experiences. (To all the Brits out there, trust me, a large majority of our lives is not like the shitty tv shows/movies we've offered on the subject over the years.) So why did I put this as the number one reason that it'd all be okay? Well despite some of my reservations, I also get why you couldn't ask for a better captain. If they are going to truly strive to maintain any semblance of artistic integrity, they're probably going to have to fight a great deal with the network (with any network really). I don't think anyone would fight harder than the two original creators of the show. Do I think they'll get it perfectly? Probably not, but I have a lot of confidence that they'll get to the best possible place. And yes, somehow, I believe they've got to best go of it on MTV, which is proven in the past that they're willing to throw up many a program after 10pm that's not exactly PG. Now are all the character going to run around yelling "cunt" at the top of their lungs-- no. But will Elsley and Brittain fully take advantage of MTV's willingness to be rather salacious-- I think so, and I think they'll do it in a way that takes it past exploitative and makes it honest.

Final sidenote: Now this will probably just make itself into it's own post sooner or later, but I think it's about time we reassess some of our views on the show, because while I love and adore the series, people have this scary misconception that it's so real. Uh... what? If that's how yall are really living in the UK, than that's great, fantastic even, but I'm willing to bet that even Skins is a bit exaggerated for dramatic and comedic effort. The goal is not to get it exactly the same content-wise, cause frankly, not even Skins is perfect in that regard; the goal is to capture the spirit as best as possible. If it loses some of the drugs, sex, and cussing, so flippin what?! I know I didn't personally grow up fucking everything that moved, and hell, I didn't even think to try pot before college. People need to stop acting like it perfectly captures the youth experience, and somehow America's going to ruin that. Give it a chance at least!

I'm Going to Be On The Radio!

2009-08-13T00:35:42Z

Anybody want to hear the sound of my awkward voice on the radio (I make it sound so appealing don't I)? Well tonight you can! In about thirty minutes, I'll be guesting on my friends show Talk Nerdy To Me (it's on at 9pm EST by the way). The name kind of says it all. There's a lot of nerdcore played and general geekery discussed. You can here it online by going to wprkdj.org and clicking "Listen Online," which should be top center of the page.

So yeah, coolness right? I'll probably dork out about it later, so that's all for now! ^_^

Fic: From Start To Beginning (Wanting)

2009-07-22T03:25:54Z

Title: From Start to Beginning (Wanting)
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing: Serena/Blair
Rating: PG
Word count: 2,315
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, they would have long since been together... plus I'd be rich and likely writing professionally, so this would be canon rather than fanfic... I iz rambling yeah?
A/N: I am SOOO sorry for this being posted late. I had it all done proper and prepared, but the file somehow ended up being corrupted on my flash drive and I had revert back to an old draft and fix a ton of things.This is not the original final draft, thus I'm not the happiest with it, but it still ended up in the right place I think (sorry for any errant lingering mistakes!). Thanks so much to aphrodite_mine for a last minute beta read. She officially rocks my socks! This was written for maddie508 for femslash09 . Hope you like it!
Summary: It is quite ludicrous when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing.

It is quite ludicrous, when Blair thinks about it, even silly. She doesn’t remember when it started; maybe it had always been there, at least for as long a time as she could even feel such a thing. But she does remember when she first noticed it. They were just shy of fifteen, and nursing Serena back to health after one of her drunken escapades was beyond habit by now. She was shuttling the blonde into the elevator when she tripped just slightly, but somehow enough to send both of them hurdling towards the floor. The blonde just giggled as she landed on top of Blair, asking the brunette if she was just as drunk as she was. The question was rather absurd—no one was as drunk as Serena on most occasions—but she couldn’t bring herself to properly laugh at it as something clawed at her stomach. Tiny puffs of air hit her neck as Serena decided to settle herself on top of Blair, too tired to care that they were lying in the middle of an elevator. Blair would later try to chalk it up to something different, anything else really. But when she wakes up next to Serena the following morning, the blonde curled into a ball, idle hand clutching at Blair’s nightgown she knows with absolute certainty what this feeling is. It was want. She wanted Serena, and that knowledge terrified her like nothing else.

-------

There are times when she looks at her, really looks at her, and sees something that almost looks like a future. Waking up to long golden locks tickling her shoulder, arms wrapped snuggly around her waist, hands clasped together. She doesn’t know when it became her favorite fantasy, imagining them just being, but it’s the one she comes back to the most. She used to work to forget it but has long since abandoned such efforts. Instead, she allows herself to indulge in the thoughts when their hands occasionally brush past each other, finds herself getting lost in them when looking into crystal eyes. She gets lost in such fantasies, but always remembers never to hope for them. Why hope for something that silly, something destined to fail so epically. No, Blair Waldorf was not foolish enough hope because hoping was desperate and rather pathetic. And Waldorfs were anything but pathetic.

-------

Serena leaves and nothing has ever hurt her more. When her father leaves a few months later, she thanks Serena secretly for preparing her, doesn’t even question why her own father leaving the country hurts so much less. She refuses to ever think of want again.

-------

If she’s being honest, she always knew she and Nate were doomed. It doesn’t ease the sting of his betrayal much, but it doesn’t wound her as much as she lets on either. Serena’s a different story. The thought of the blonde with Nate claws at her mind, filling her with a sense of dread and anger every time she encounters the girl. A small part of her, one that she refuses to even acknowledge when sober and in the light of day, kicks at the back of her mind, begging her to find a way to forgive, to make things the way they once were again. But how do you forgive the girl who broke your heart, when you still won’t admit that she even has it.

-------

It takes some time, but they begin to mend their friendship. Their third year is passing by surprisingly fast, given the numerous dramas and personal crises that seem to abound. Somehow she ends up sleeping with Chuck, and while she’s still fuzzy on why, it seems to fit. She still detests him of course, but they blend together in a fitting way that she hasn't with anyone else. Well except for…

It’s begun to blanket their friendship again, that tiny little feeling that’s more than a flutter but less than a rumble. She refuses to give it a name this time; refuses to think on what it could mean. She’s content with things the way they are and there’s no reason to muddle them about again in her mind. She let’s herself fall for Chuck, slowly and a bit distressingly. She sure if she tries hard enough, she can want him too.

When she tells Serena that they’re family, that nothing the blonde could ever say would make her let go, she knows she’s never spoken truer words.

------

Their final year passes by even more quickly than the one prior, and thankfully with significantly less drama. One moment stands out more than the rest though. Chuck’s father passes and she wants nothing more than to be there for him. They’re still dancing around one another, playing games, but for once she just wants it to stop, for them to anchor each other down, maybe even temper each other the way she and Serena do. She’s starting to resent that it always comes back to her and Serena’s relationship, but has finally admitted that it’s the most stable, constant thing she’s ever had, so why not use it to compare. Serena’s been more solid this year than ever, and for once she can lean on her instead of the other way around. It’s nice, and it feels her chest with something more than before, something that she likes exceedingly better because it doesn’t conflict with any other emotion she should or wants to feel. She feels safe.

-------

It takes Chuck all of three weeks to cheat on her. She wishes she could say she’s surprised, but really, it’s Chuck Bass. She knew what she was getting into from the start. It doesn’t hit her, just how prepared she was, until she sees Serena at her door, carrying a carton of ice cream she knows they won’t eat and a bottle of merlot she’s sure they’ll drink. She feels the prickle of tears fighting their way forward only moments before they begin pour out in earnest. It’s only seconds after that that she feels Serena wrap her arms tightly around her. Prepared or not, it still hurts like hell. She thought they had a chance, that they really meant enough to each other to make it work. The more she thinks of Chuck, the harder her body starts to wrack with sobs, and for a brief instant she feels like her world may implode. But then Serena wraps her arms even tighter around the brunette, as if she senses the turmoil she was slipping into, and it becomes just a little bit better. Not okay, but good enough to breathe again. Serena’s her anchor, and for the first time in ages, she doesn’t think about the complexities of want and need, just shuffles towards the bed and settles against Serena, quickly slipping into a dreamless sleep.

-------

She knows this goes beyond reason, though she’s sure she could justify it if she wanted. And want is all that seems present in her life these days. It’s a constant want that’s threaded through her so completely that it’s near consumed her. But it’s a want, not a need, and that fact is what helps keep it all at bay.

-------

She knows she’s lost her sanity when she goes to Vanessa for advice. But it’s there again and this time all it takes is a simple thought to set her aflame with these... feelings. And suddenly Serena is all she seems capable of thinking about, beyond classes and social events of course. Vanessa takes one look at her after she asks, then proceeds to laugh hysterically.

“Um, Blair, why are you asking me what it’s like to be with a girl. Wait, you’re not like asking me asking, are you,” the other girl asks tentatively.

“What?! No! I just figured that since you’re all liberated and what not you would be the best person to ask. Clearly that was a mistake,” she huffed out before turning on her heel and heading towards the door.

“Is this about Serena?” Vanessa asks and the way she freezes mid-step is likely more than enough for an answer.

“And why would this be about Serena?” Blair asks tensely, slowly turning around to meet the other girl’s gaze.

“Well it’s not like you’ve ever made it a big secret, how you feel about her,” Vanessa responded matter-of-factly.

“What are you talking about?”

“I just mean that you’ve always looked at Serena a certain way. In fact you both look at each other like that—like you’re the most important people in the world to one another. I actually asked Dan about it once; if you two had ever been together.”

“You what?! What is—“ Blair began.

“Blair do you want my advice or not?”

“Not really,” the girl responded.

“Well you’re getting it anyway. You and Serena have already been together, for at least the entire time I’ve known you. The only part missing seems to be the physical, and I’m sure you can figure the mechanics of that out well enough on your own. So stop being so terrified and just get it on already,” Vanessa offered, the smirk forming on her lips instantly after she finished speaking.

“You know, you are quite repulsive,” was all Blair seemed capable of responding, before turning around and heading towards the door again, a quiet thanks murmured just before she exited the building.

------

She finds it impossible to broach the situation with Serena. Just cannot seem to figure a reasonable way to approach your best friend about how much you want her. So instead she pulls back more in their conversations, tries to stay a few feet away when together, does her best to distance herself until she can come up with a proper solution. Serena notices, doesn’t say anything at first, but becomes more persistent with her questions eventually.

“Is everything okay?” the blonde asks, concerned. They’re watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s on Blair’s bed, something they do nearly every time Serena’s in town, just because the blonde knows how much she loves it.

“Everything’s fine S. Don’t worry about it,” Blair answers, moving to put a bit more space between the two on the bed. She begins to fidget though, her stupid body betraying her mind; she just wants to move that little bit closer to Serena, to feel the heat radiate off the blonde’s skin and onto hers.

“I think I’m going to get a drink. Did you need anything,” Blair asks, desperate to regain composure.

“No I’m fine. Thanks,” Serena responds with a curious look on her face that Blair can’t be bothered to examine at the moment.

As soon as she gets out of the room she feels the air rush back into her lungs, a thrilling feeling because she didn’t realize she was holding her breath to begin with. She heads into the kitchen, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She downs the liquid quickly and realizes it’s done nothing to calm her nerves. She clutches at the counter, wondering if now might be the right time to try something stronger. Alcohol could only make this worse, make her foolish enough to act before she’s ready. She doesn't hear Serena enter the kitchen, but it’s not long before she can feel her, slowly moving to a stop behind her. She’s close, too close, and the fire that’s spreading across her body from the girl’s mere presence makes her clutch the counter more tightly.

“I spoke to Vanessa,” the blonde spoke, causing a short, rushed intake of air from Blair.

“Well that’s nice,” the brunette responded, attempting to move away from Serena. But turning around only made her aware of just how close she was to the other girl, now all but trapped between her and the counter.

“You know, it kind of was. She told me something pretty interesting. Gave me a theory on why you’ve been acting so weird.”

“Hmm. Well that’s interesting. Think we should get back to the film now,” Blair states more than asks, futilely attempting to move away from Serena again.

“Aren’t you interested in hearing the theory though,” Serena asks coyly, facing inching a bit closer to the brunette’s.

“No, not really. I don’t particularly trust anything Va—“ Blair began before being interrupted by the firm press of Serena’s lips against her own. Her eyes flutter shut immediately and it’s… more than she’d ever imagined it could be. Serena seems content to just linger there softly, waiting for Blair to make this something more or less. But despite wanting more, so much more in fact, Blair pulls back just slightly.

“Serena, we can’t… this can’t… what are we doing,” she asks quietly, nervously.

“The same thing we should have always been doing,” the blonde states simply, and with that, all the worries seem to evaporate. This is probably wrong and definitely bound to end miserably, but as Serena’s lips press back into hers, this time with more passion and vigor, Blair Waldorf could not care less.

-------

She knows now. Knows that this has become a need. It probably always has been. It’s still terrifying, something that needles at the pit of her stomach when she begins to think about it too much. She sometimes can’t believe how easy this has all been, how quickly and smoothly they work into each others’ lives as something more, and she just knows the other shoe is bound to drop soon enough. But then she’ll see Serena, feel an arm wrap around her waist, a kiss nuzzled into her neck , and she thinks maybe this can be okay, that if this is what needing will offer her, the fear doesn’t matter.

Random Post is Random!

2009-07-10T02:48:37Z

Yall, I don't care what else is out there, I still contend that this is the greatest gif ever!

It just never gets old! This is like that one aunt who always shows up to the family union wasted off her ass, ready to Drop It Like It's HAWT!!!

Love it! Also, I've been really bad about responding to comments and messages the last couple of weeks. Real life and computer issues have just been pressing against my fandom time, but I swear I'm going to get to it all over the next day or so! So thanks for being patient and awesome!

Just... WTF?

2009-06-21T13:35:44Z

I don't even know. Part of me feels like telling fandom it can go fuck itself, and the other part doesn't feel like giving the troll the satisfaction. After a 2 hour nap though, this whole thing just feels worse and I don't know if I've got much of a heart for it right now. I guess we'll see what happens over the next few days, but even if nothing does, it's still... unbelievably fucked up and disgusting. I'm tired of being attacked like this for no reason.

So yeah, pretty much my whole journal is f-locked, beyond a couple of drabbles I recently linked cause I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with them. Honestly, I just don't feel like letting some asshat think he/she ran my off of LJ.

My f-list is likely going to get trimmed down in the next couple of days though, so if we don't really talk, but you want to be on it, let me know. And I know a couple of yall offered to help in any way, and I may take you up on that. I think I just need a break from all this drama. It's just too much.

OK, NEVERMIND. FRAK THAT! So jengrrrl just made a post that pretty much rules my life forever. I mean seriously, I want to get this thing published and just spread it all around to anyone in fandom! Essentially, fan troll loses. I'm definitely going to be following her lead and blueprint for fandom, meaning a lot of this journal will be unlocked again (not all of it, but enough of it). And then I'm going to get back to what I do best. BEING A CRAZY COOL FANGIRL! ^_^

Skins: A Root In The Dark, A "To Bedlam and Part Way Back" Fanmix

2009-06-12T05:58:26Z

Title: A Root In The Dark
Subject: Katie Fitch / Effy Stonem
Inspiration:Jengrrrl's To Bedlam And Part Way Back series (also known as the Fic O' Doom); Part 1, 2, 3, 4, (Tag'd Stuff)
Warnings: Angsty. Nothing that really spoils the story.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own a single song, character, or picture (beyond editing the cover).
Notes: Not all in perfect order, but the mix is supposed to loosely follow the through the series. This is the first fanmix I've published, so hopefully everything is a-ok. Like I said, it is based on jengrrrl 's To Bedlam Series, which is a rather dark and amazing fic; hopefully the mix expresses that. The title comes from a Pablo Naruda poem entitled Walking Around.

1. disintegration- jimmy eat world
wonder why i'm so caught of guard when we kiss.
rather live my life in regret then do this.
what happened to the love we both knew?
we both chased.
hanging on a cigarette you need me,
you burn me you'll burn me.
[...]
hushed with a finger
don't say you'll never when you might,
or just another time.
this poison comes instruction free.
do what you want, but i'm drinking.

2. shade- portugal the man
my they glowed a bug burning at the ends of
sheet covered crowns
whose only words were
wicked mumbles that shake unstable manners
brought these thoughts about you
lights up like flies and ants that dip about and
aim.... to swallow us

3. friday- sunny day real estate
maybe next time
tread wire on jaded memory
against every line i know
i threw my wish in there
and tripped the night i
breathe...

4. 3 libras (acoustic)- a perfect circle
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
the wounded, the tragic

'cause you'll never see me
'cause you'll never see me

5. i drive alone- esthero
can't move on
but i can't go home
and i'm not so strong
but i make my way
to the place i know
inside my heart
where i used to go
to get brave and
i don't wanna be lost anymore

6. these things- she wants revenge
there is nothing to see here people keep moving on
slowly their necks turn and then they're gone
no one cares when the show is done
[…]
let make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground
i try to whisper, so no one figures it out
i'm not a bad man, i'm just overwhelmed
it's cause of these things, it's cause of these things

7. make this go on forever- snow patrol
please don't let this turn into something it's not
i can only give you everything i've got
i can't be as sorry as you think i should
but i still love you more than anyone else could

8. saint hate- catlow
still awake, i forgot to sleep
and there's a record playing in my head
songs not dead, black in tune
and no one dares to enter the room

9. song for the fields- fields
your not the only one
wasting every turn
were setting of the fires
to watch our bridges burn
wait for me, hopelessly

10. are you ten years ago- tegan & sara
when i feel like this
when i get so in
to myself
i lose track of where i'm going
and lose track of how to get going again
i feel myself slowing down
feel myself turning around
is this taken?
when i feel like this
when i get so sick of myself

11. stop this song (lovesick melody)- paramore
it creeps in like a spider
can't be killed, although i try and try to
well, don't you see i'm falling?
don't wanna love you, but i do

*bonus track, just cause it’s ready made for all angst!*
12. matching weight- trespassers Williams
tonight
we don't have a lot to go on
but that's not how it lives in my head
no, not at all
blind times
thought we were matching weight

From Pablo Neruda's "Walking Around"
I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

Download Here(.zip file) or Here (.rar)!And Enjoy!

**There was a slight issue with the zip file earlier that I think I've got fixed now. Let me know if you encounter any issues though!**

Dear Intrepid Femslash09 Writer!

2009-06-10T19:23:45Z

Dear Intrepid femslash09 Writer:

Hi! How goes it? I hope well. Just thought I'd let you know off the bat, YOU TOTALLY ROCK! (Didja enjoy the enthusiasm there?)

So if you're wondering, I'm very picky about my fanfiction... okay not really. I jump in and out of so many fandoms fic-wise it's kind of scary. I'm actually pretty easy to please. I generally don't like character-death, I love good grammar and such, and a bit of angst is always great, but I am kind of a sap for a happy ending. I'm not even going to lie, I like a bit of smut, but only if it fits the overall tone of the fic, has a purpose, etc. It is NOT a necessity, however, and if that's not your cup of tea, don't even worry about it. I'm fine with crack, but not so big on the cheese, so try not to make it toooo sappy. And finally, I like my characters, you know, in character, but if they're OOC, at least give a clear reason why. Does that seem like a lot? Hopefully not too much.

1)Skins: Naomi/Emily, Emily/Effy, Effy/Katie, Effy/Naomi, Katie/Naomi-
So yeah, I'm really flexible pairing wise in this fandom. Naomi/Emily are my all time favorite pairing in all of fandom, so I'm sure to adore anything you right about them. I'm a sucker for angsty-Effy/Katie too; actually Effy with either Katie/Naomi/Emily is perfectly fine by me. I know Effy/Naomi & Katie/Naomi seems like odd and weird pairings if you've actually seen the show, but I think their are some decent stories to be shared between these pairs. Hopefully that's not to vague, and feel free to ask me to clarify anything if necessary.

2)Skins RPF: Lily Loveless/Kathryn Prescott- I'm not a huge RPF fan, but this ship just gets to me like woah! I umm... well I kinda started a fan community for them, which is likely the single-most embarassing and awesome thing I've ever done fandom wise, but yeah, anything you write for them is sure to please. I like them with a side of angst and realism, but ultimately with a ~~happy~~ favorable/optimistic ending (ok, happy works too!).

3)Devil Wears Prada: Andy/Emily, Emily/Serena- I know the fandom sees Miranda/Andy as the OTP, but I honestly can't see why. I've always been a way bigger fan of Andy/Emily, which there is like near no fic for, so writing for them will make me infinitely grateful to you! I think Emily/Serena are rather adorable as well, so yeah, write away for them if you'd like to.

4)Gossip Girl: Blair/Serena- I think this one might be fairly self-explanatory if you've ever watched the show are read the books. These two are so gay for each other it amazes me that the producers even try to pair them with other people. Then again, Josh Schwartz doesn't have a great track record with two girls in love (the O.C.), so I trust you'll make them amazing if you choose to write this pairing. A bit of angst is always great too. I like the idea that one or both of them will always be the last to see how perfect they are for one another.

5)Popular: Sam/Brooke- Yeah, so this is definitely one of my classic ships, and I'm not even going to lie, I like it angsty. Like borderline tragic, yet with a happy ending. I mean, it doesn't have to be suicide inducing or anything, but this fandom set the standard for mucking about characters in depressing fic situations, so feel free to carry on the tradition!

6)Law & Order SVU: Alex/Olivia- I love anything post-Alex's return in season 10. That simple enough?

So yah, how was that? Too long? Not long enough? Feel free to ask me any clarifying questions, though on the whole, I'm sure anything you write will be AMAZING!!! Honestly, these are some of my favorite characters and favorite pairings ever, so there's really not many ways you can go wrong here. Just have fun writing it, and I'm sure I'll have fun reading it!

Thanks a ton and major ♥s!

--Ashley

Because I Haven't Squeed Nearly Enough About How Much I Freakin ADORE Glee!

2009-06-09T00:42:02Z

Well since I've got a whole summer to obsess over the Glee Pilot before I get new eps, I decided to turn this into an extended segment as to why I adore Glee. A "10 Things" type of list if you will, and I'll post a new one every week or so, okay? Good!

Up First (And Reason #10... these are in no particular order btw):
Can we just take a moment to appreciate God's gift known as Lea Michele!

Seriously? You say you don't see it? Well just wait to you hear her sing!

Sorry about the poor audio quality, but a live performance just further proves my point. That voice is 100% natural! And how adorable is the little "Thank You" at the end!

In my opinion, the pilot only works half as well as it does because of Lea's timing and overall earnest nature, even when she's playing a hyper-neurotic type-A. Further, during the episodes key musical number, the girl sells her part like a Broadway pro far beyond her years (I'm talking Patti Lupone levels of selling it... okay maybe not that much, but at least Idina Menzel levels of awesome). I think what particularly sold me where just the little nuances in her signing the lines "Born and raised in South Detroit; he took the midnight train going anywhere" and "Everybody wants a thrill!" The way she performs it just adds such a fire to the overall performance, and offers even more layers to her character, because you can see Rachel as being truly passionate about it all, beyond the neuroses displayed earlier. She performs it like her life depends on those few moments, and it's beyond amazing to watch. And yes, I know she's been on stage for ages, but that rarely translates well onto television/film, so I'm still amazed at how she so easily found the heart in a character that could have veered so easily into obscene levels of camp. So Lea Michele, you totally are a reason why I adore Glee! I can't wait to see what you do with the character with a whole season at your disposal!

**And yeah, I'm giving the actual character of Rachel Berry her own post, cause damnit if she's not obscenely adorable, witty, hilarious, and just freakin awesome!**

Ficlet: That Was Silly (Skins, N/E)

2009-05-30T09:06:16Z

Title: That Was Silly
Pairing: Emily/Naomi
Prompt: #23- Heaven, written for skins50
Rating: PG for a little language
Spoilers: Post-ep 6, veers off into AU after that.
Summary: Emily's gay; really gay. And she's tired of hiding it! So of course, she's got to announce it to the world, starting with a random club in Bristol. Pure Fluff (shocking I know).
Disclaimer: I so don't own this show, but I would give up my first born to own it! Though I'm pretty sure I'm not ever having kids so the point is moot.
A/N: This is literally one of the happiest things I've ever written, and I wrote it mostly to prove I was actually capable of writing something fluffy. I'm trying to get at least a half of my two multi-chapter fics before I start posting them, and they're pretty thoroughly angsty, so this was a nice reprieve. Hope you enjoy! Oh, and it's un-beta'd.

“Hey, everybody, can I get your attention,” Emily said as she clenched the mic. The sudden burst of anger and confidence that thrust her into action was quickly dissipating, and she was certain that this was a bad idea. But then she looked out into the crowd, and spotted Naomi and Katie still going at it like dogs, and the words seemed to flow freely from there.

“Hi, I just thought you all should know I’m gay. That’s right. I, Emily Fitch, am a lezza! I like girls, muff-munching, and Tegan & Sara. More importantly, I like Naomi Campbell, and if any of you have a problem with that, you can get the fuck over it,” the red head exclaimed.

A train of dazed and surprised eyes hit her in an instant, and she felt her stomach clench uncomfortably. Oh shit, she thought. Yeah, definitely a bad idea. Her eyes finally found their way back to Naomi’s and her stomach tightened even further. She didn’t know it was possible to look that shocked, terrified, and stupefied at the same time. Good time for an escape. As she ran off the stage and back into the crowd, the music flickered back on and the club returned to normal. She didn’t. She couldn’t; she knew it was all different now. She’d fucked it all up and there was no way to fix this. No way to deny such a plain claim. She needed to get out of the club now!

She forced her way through the crowd, ignoring the wolf whistles from leering guys, oblivious to the heated glances from girls drunk enough think now would be a good time to see if Katy Perry had it right. She shoved her way to the door, and nearly made it out, nearly made it to the absolution of the night sky and fresh air, before a hand clutched at her arm, blocking any escape.

“Emily,” spoke the blonde girl, as softly as possible in a booming club. Shit, the redhead thought. Well this’ll be fun, followed as she finally turned to meet Naomi’s gaze.

“That was silly, what you did up there,” Naomi stated plainly.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I just—” Emily started, but couldn’t think of anything else to say. A tense silence fell between the two, and Emily couldn’t help but search the blonde’s face, trying to find a sign of what Naomi was feeling. The taller girl refused to meet her eyes though. Classic Naomi, Emily thought as she began to turn back towards the door, only to realize her arm was still be clutched desperately by the other girl.

“Naomi, let go,” she began to say, only to stop when she caught a familiar look on the blonde’s face. And as she saw the blonde gnaw at her lip nervously, she couldn’t help the ghost of hope that passed through her.

“I said it was silly, Emily,” Naomi finally spoke. “But not that I didn’t love it,” she finally finished, face breaking out into a coy grin.

“What,” Emily responded befuddled, not ready to fully give herself over to the hope.

“It was actually quite adorable. And I thought I was supposed to be the brave one,” the blonde joked, moving closer to Emily, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl’s waist.

“Really? And how do you figure that,” Emily teasingly asked back.

“Well, you know, I’m all about justice and what not, and standing up for what you believe in. Walking the walking and all that stuff, so shouldn’t I be brave too,” Naomi replied, words infused with a deeper meaning. Emily was finally getting what she wanted, what she asked for. And honestly, she couldn’t figure out if this was real or not; it had happened so quickly, and really, how did this all go from Katie and Naomi bickering about the blonde dancing to close to Emily to this?!

But as Naomi closed that last bit of space between the two, bringing her lips to Emily’s in a soft but purposeful kiss, she realized she could care less about how she got there. Because in this moment, as the two stood near the edge of a packed club, bodies fused so closely that Emily couldn’t figure out where she ended and Naomi began, she knew this was her heaven.

Ficlet: Pride's A B!tch

2009-05-18T14:15:21Z

Title: Pride's A B!tch
Pairing: angsty!Emily/Naomi
Prompt: #21, Pride (written for skins50)
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoilers: Post-ep 7, veers off into AU after that.
Disclaimer: I so don't own this show, but I would give up my first born to own it! But since I'm pretty sure I'm not ever having kids so the point is moot.
A/N: I've had a couple of lines of this on my computer for forever, and I finally decided to do away with it. It's easy for me to come up with dialogue, but kind of poor on capturing actions so please forgive me if this is a bit stiff. I couldn't decide if this should be 'bitter' or 'pride', so I just settled on pride since I think I can do a better 'bitter' lately.

“Well I wish I had friends who were so kind to fuck me whenever I asked,” the blonde delivered bitterly, causing the redhead to recoil away from her.

“Maybe I thought he deserved a first time worth remembering,” she yelled back, stunning herself. She really hadn’t meant to say that out loud. She could see the hurt flood into the other girl’s eyes, and a gnawing sense of guilt washed through her.

“I didn’t mean to say that, I just…” she trailed off.

“No, I’m glad you said it. At least now I know how you actually feel,” the blonde stated, a cold edge held in her voice, the iciness of her tone sending a shiver down Emily’s spine. Naomi was right at least—it was how she felt—and the more she thought on it, a rise heat of anger began to cloud her mind more and more.

“Oh, come off it! Like you have some grand reason to be angry?! Naomi, you barely talked to me for a week after that night! And when you finally did, I didn’t judge, and I didn’t try to make you feel guilty about it. I just accepted it, because that’s what I do! I let anyone treat me however the hell it suits them, because it’s just who I am. But JJ, JJ cared. He didn’t treat me like his doormat, and he didn’t try to use me for anything. He was a friend, and if I had had half a brain, I’d be in love with him. But I’m not. No, instead I’m so hung up on loving someone who could clearly give a damn about me and frankly, I’m sick of it!” Emily exhaled. And for the second time in the conversation, she realized that she had said more than she meant. She’d just admitted to Naomi that she loved her, and the girl looked nothing short of sick over it.

“Y-you… you lo-love me,” Naomi stuttered out.

“Yeah. I love you,” Emily spoke softly. “But that doesn’t really matter much, does it,” Emily spoke, more statement then question, before turning away and disappearing into the dark. And all Naomi could do was stand there with her bitter pride, as the girl who had stolen her heart left her behind.

Glee! (Also Known As the Next Greatest Show Ever!)

2009-04-17T11:43:58Z

Glee
Uploaded by afterellenstuntdouble

Oh wow! It's like Popular all over again, but maybe even better, cause it looks like its got a dash of Freaks and Geeks! Plus: JANE LYNCH!!!!
And a glee-style version of "Rehab"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, the preview makes it look a bit like High School Musical, but the show was created by Ryan Murphy (of both the Popular and Nip/Tuck fame). So this alone gives it at least 4 episodes of my time. Plus: JANE LYNCH!!!!!!! Cause seriously, when has Jane Lynch not made someone laugh their freakin a$$ off in a movie or tv show?! Not to mention, I'm pretty sure Rachel Berry is headed to being my absolute fave character on tv (cause yall know I love Skins, but she believes "being a part of something special makes you special, right?"). And Lea Michele is just hawt, with the pipes of a goddess (she starred as the original Wendella in Spring Awakening)! And finally, what's the cherry on top of this delicious sundae in the making? Kristen Chenoweth is planned as a guest star!!! Yall, it's totally like all my fave things in the world are converging to great the bestest tv everz!!!!!

And how can I even begin to pick my fave quotes from the video?!:

"You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis; that's hard!"
"I want to take over the glee club." "Do you want to captain the Titanic too?"
"You might laugh because every time I sign my name I put a gold star after it, but it's a metaphor. My gold stars are a metaphor for ME being a star."
"You're very talented." "Really?" "Yeah, I should know. I'm really talented too."
"Oh hell to the naw! I'm Beyonce! I AIN'TZ NO KELLY ROWLAND!"
"You think that's hard, try being water boarded! That's hard!"
"I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people." "That was you?"
"It's not a bad thing to want a real life... and a glue gun that works!"
"Being a part of something special makes you special, right?"

**Oh, and don't think I didn't notice you, Jessalyn Gilsig and Jayma Mays! I'm glad yall jumped ship on Heroes before it turned into an unforgivable mess of crap. Smart move bbs, smart move.**

LilyKat Community!

2009-03-31T20:10:40Z

So the LilyKat Community is young, but seems to be really off to a roll, IMHO. We've got an extremely awesome layout, a ton of people who have joined/watchded the comm (over a 100!), and people who've been eager to help out and post. So all and all, I'm extremely happy, cause I was really worried this would not work out well (an account of me never having maintained a community before). So, if you happen to be glancing at this page and have yet to visit the community. Feel free to click the link below and check it out! : )

LilyKat Community!

Fic: Maybe, An SVU Story

2009-03-12T03:11:01Z

Title: Maybe
Pairing: Implied Alex/Olivia
Word Count: 2157
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None that I know of, except for Lead where Alex comes back
Disclaimer: I so don't own this show, which should be evident considering Olivia is supposedly still "straight" and Alex hasn't jumped Liv's bones yet. Maybe during Alex's far too short current tenure on the show, they'll finally get it on!
A/N: I have no clue how this story got to be so long. I basically sat down a couple of hours ago and churned out this fic. It had been in my head ever since last night, when "Lead" premiered. Basically it turns out Alex has been out of witness protection for 3 years, and though the SVUers have tried to contact her, she hasn't been able to call them back. Here's my little femslash diddy as to why. Oh, and this is unbeta'd by the way, so sorry if it's got grammar errors and such!

They’d been there for hours, shuffling over the victim’s statement, witness notes, and possible suspects. She’d forgotten how exhausting this was. In her prime, she may have been able to skip out on a bit of this process, but the years of trying appeals and training new prosecutors had left her less confident. The best way to compensate, she found, was to fall back on her meticulous nature, scanning and analyzing every bit of information with a depth she had not used since law school. Most of the detectives had already headed out for the evening. She chuckled at the thought that some of them actually had lives to attend to. She’d had enough of “life” though, after all the time in hiding, spent at uneventful dinner parties, school charities, and town hall meetings. After years of basically being bored by life, little excited her more than getting lost in a new case. And lost was a pretty appropriate term for where she found herself presently. She and Stabler were two of only a few left behind in the usually bustling bullpen, and after hours of scrutinizing the case, they found themselves confused over how to proceed.

“I don’t get it, we have three witnesses who saw the same man leave the residence around the approximate time of the crime, we have his DNA under the fingernails of the victim, yet you’re saying we don’t have enough to charge him,” Elliot questioned, frustration evident in his voice.

“The victim and the suspect were in an intimate relationship, and there is nothing to substantiate his presence at her residence being anything other than an afternoon rollick. So no, we do not have enough to charge him,” the prosecutor responded evenly. “What we need is a murder weapon,” Alex added

“We’ve searched his house twice; no weapon, so I would try finding some other basis to charge him,” Elliot replied irately.

“Last time I checked, finding a motive and evidence was your job detective. So maybe you should try doing it if you want me to charge him,” the blonde pointed out coolly. A tense silence filtered into the area, as Elliot quietly fumed and Alex returned to the case board, annoyed.

“I’m sorry,” the detective finally spoke. “I was out of line. I just can’t stomach the creep getting away with it. I mean, she clearly trusted him, and he violated her without a second thought.”

“I know, and I want him to go down for that just as much as you do. But I can’t make that happen without real evidence to back up the charge,” Alex stated, while wearily removing her glasses. “Maybe we should take a break. Order some food,” the ADA offered.

“Food sounds good. Reminds me a bit of the good ole’ days, minus Liv of course,” Elliot replied with a chuckle.

“Yeah, minus Liv,” Alex responded quietly. The solemn timbre of the attorney’s voice was not lost on Elliot, and he took a moment to silently regard his friend. His partner had been on a short leave during the case, taking a much deserved break at the insistence of Cragen. Since the prosecutor’s return, Elliot had noticed a subtle change in his partner. She had begun taking a harder line on cases, and immersed herself completely in a litany of work. This might not have seemed out of the ordinary, to the casual observer, but Elliot could tell she was using each case as a means of working through something else. She was almost hiding in them. As he observed the woman across from him, he couldn’t help but recognize that part of the distance likely surrounded the blonde.

“So how's it been since you’ve been back, by the way? I know we haven’t talked much, outside of each case, but I’ve been meaning to ask,” Stabler finally asked.

“It’s been okay. Just trying to get back into the swing of things, I guess. Taking it one case at a time,” Alex offered absently, having returned to scrutinizing each document.

“That’s good, but I meant…” Elliot began before being cut off by Alex. “I know what you meant, I just didn’t want to answer the question,” the blonde responded tersely. She quickly regretted the cool tone, and searched for something better to offer the detective.

“It’s just different. I was so sure I was ready to come back. I had taken so much time because I wanted to come back ready, you know. To be the same,” Alex replied softly.

“But we didn’t expect you to be the same Alex. There is no way anyone could have gone through all that and stayed the same,” Elliot responded, hoping to show his friend that they would have been there for her under any circumstance.

“I know. I guess… I guess I just was not ready to face it. All the memories, all of the question—all of it. Everything is so different now. I’m so different now,” the prosecutor offered gently, before breathing in deeply. Her next words were uttered softly, and she almost hoped they wouldn’t be heard, but she needed to say them nonetheless.

“And I just was not ready to face that… to face her,” the statement hung heavily in the air, and for a moment, she thought it may go ignored.

“Oh… Ohhh,” uttered Elliot, surprised by the admission.

“Yeah, I know,” Alex spoke shyly.

“I didn’t… I didn’t know you two were…” Stabler stated before trailing off.

“We weren’t… I mean it was never… it was never what I wanted it to be. I mean, for the most part, it wasn’t until way after that I would even admit to myself that that’s what I wanted. That she is what I wanted. You have no idea how many nights of sleep I lost after admitting that to myself,” the blonde replied. And it had kept her up—thinking about how she and Liv were and what they could have been. Wondering if the woman in question felt the same; wondering if she even thought about her anymore.

“When I came back to testify against Connors… I had myself so convinced that it was just all in my imagination. That I’d just dreamed it up in the midst of all that seclusion, but there it was. I came back, and it was all there, just as plain as daylight to see,” Alex spoke, with something akin to awe at the realization. Silence fell upon the two for another moment, Alex searching for what to say next, and Elliot contemplating how to respond.

“Maybe you should tell her,” Elliot finally settled upon.

“Tell her what? That I’m pathetically in love with her and that’s why I’ve been avoiding her for the past three years. Come on, Eliot; let’s consider who we’re talking about,” stated critically. Realizing she’d spoken the word love caused a wave of anxiety to crash over the normally composed prosecutor, and she found herself rising from her chair again, walking absently to the case board.

“I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, and it might cause some tension, but she still deserves to know. She’s been blaming herself all this time, thinking maybe if she had been a better friend, you would have still cared. You know how she is, internalizing every little thing. She doesn’t deserve to keep holding on to all that guilt,” Elliot spoke, trying to reason with his friend.

“Maybe you’re right. She shouldn’t have to hold on to all of that. But telling her isn’t going to make things any better. It will just muddle everything up—make it so we can’t ever fix this. At least now we still have a shot at becoming real friends again. Maybe that will be enough,” Alex responded, with a despairing hope clinging to her voice.

“For who: you or her?” The question crashed onto Alex with the force of an anvil, and a sedate agitation worked through her. The accusation was clear, and the recognition it brought with it was painful. “Does it really matter,” she finally forced out, only to be met with Stabler’s accusatory eyes. Yes, it does, they pronounced.

“For both of us then. It’s not like us being friends will really leave her heartbroken. I’m the one making the sacrifice. I’m the one putting her feelings first,” she stated intensely.

“Oh, that is such a cop out, and I would have expected much better from you. You’re hiding, and you’re cheating both of you out of a chance at happiness,” Elliot exclaimed.

“Well I guess after several years, I should be pretty darn good at it.” The words made their intended effect, and Stabler retreated mildly at the words. Alex found her way back to a desk, sitting across from her friend again. She knew he was only trying to help, but he just didn’t seem to understand. “And you’re acting like some grand declaration of love is really going to change things between me and Liv.”

“It could,” Elliot responded plainly.

“It won’t, at least not in any positive way. Because contrary to all the speculation, Liv is straight.” The instance the statement left Alex’s mouth, she recognized the absurdity of it, and it brought a ghost of a smile to the blonde’s face. “Or she is least still under the assumption that she is straight. And forcing her to reconsider that belief or assess any potential feelings she might have for me beyond platonic can only lead to something neither of us want.”

“A relationship,” the detective exclaimed, frustrated by the prosecutor’s pessimism.

“No. It’s me heartbroken and her confused and closed off,” Alex said dejectedly.

“I don’t think you give her enough credit,” Elliot responded.

“And I think you care too much about her to understand what this would cost me. I just got back Elliot. I mean really back. And you want me to sacrifice it all. For what? An unrequited crush?! I can’t do that.” The frustration was clear in Alex’s voice, and she didn’t understand why Elliot kept pushing the situation. There was no point in giving her hope for something that wasn’t going to happen.

“Maybe I do care too much about her, but I care about you too,” Elliot stated fervently. He paused to consider his next words, knowing they would either sway the blonde or nothing would.

“I got to be here for when she thought you were dead, and I got to see that broken, desolate look in her eyes when she thought she had lost you. I got to see her when she found out that you weren’t dead, but that you were lost all the same. I got to see how much she beat herself up over the fact that you had to lead that life. One where you were always hiding, always looking over your shoulder. I got to see her when you came back, only to leave again. I got to see her cry over the fact she felt she failed you. I got to see Olivia Benson cry over you,” he punctuated, trying desperately to force the blonde into action. His words were visibly not lost on Alex, as she felt her own tears pool in her eyes.

“And I got to stand there when she called you that first time, right after she found out that you were back. That you had been back for several months, but didn’t bother to tell us. I got to stand there while she called you, because she was too afraid to call you on her own. Because she was too damn worried about chickening out, or not knowing what to say! I got to see it all, and I’m telling you that you’re wrong! She does care, even if she hasn’t admitted to herself, even if she doesn’t realize how much. And yeah, it could be hard at first, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t know. Yeah, I care too much, about both of you, and I know that if one of you just got up the damn courage to tell each other how you feel, you could both be happy. And you both deserve that,” Stabler finished enthusiastically. He didn’t understand it, honestly. He didn’t understand why two people who clearly loved each other refused to act on it. They both were so worthy of finding happiness, yet they kept martyring themselves for a false cause.

“I… I just… I love her too much to lose her Eliot,” the ADA finally responded, desperately.

“Try loving her enough to be honest with her.” The statement struck Alex deeply. For someone who strived so hard to force honesty out of others, she really was quite bad at offering it herself.

“I don’t know,” she spoke doubtfully. She paused, sifting through the flurry of emotions that arose from the conversation.

“Maybe,” she breathed softly.

“Maybe’s a start,” Elliot responded.

Ficlet: No Going Back

2009-02-24T02:06:45Z

Title: No Going Back
Rating: PG-15 for language mostly
Disclaimer: I don't own Skins.
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Emily/Cook
Summary: AU-ish. At a certain point you have to face the decisions you've made and figure out that sometimes there's no going back. (I'm really sucky at the summaries, but please read!)
Spoilers: AU of JJ episode, where Katie didn't stop Em from dancing with Cook. Also makes some ambiguous statements surrounding the Cook/Naomi 'friendship'.

A/N: It's my first Skins fic, so I'm not sure how I did capturing the voices. I'm kinda a fan of the angst, so be prepared. This sort of implies that Cook and Naomi may have slept together in "Naomi" or since then they've at least spent more time together. If you like it, I might be inclined to write a sequel. Just let me know what you think! Also, I know I switch from third to first person about a half of the way through. What can I say-- I'm not good with the grammar tools?

She dances with him. Moves her body with such wild abandon that for a moment, she forgets how much she hates the skeezer. She dances with him and then she lets him fuck her. If he was good enough for Naomi to keep fawning over, then he must be good enough for her first shag. Afterwards she feels grimier than the bathroom he screwed her in. Her skin crawls uncontrollably and there’s an uncomfortable burn that settles between her legs. She pushes her way back through the mass of teens masquerading as adults, headed towards the door. Her pain of a sister latches onto her arm, asking her where she’s going. It should be obvious to the little nit that she’s leaving. It doesn’t take long for Cook to catch up as well. She’s surprised how quickly the look of recognition flashes through Katie’s eyes. She would have never thought someone so self-centered could be that perceptive. It only takes a moment longer to see the look of disgust fill those same eyes. It’s strange to see that look flash in orbs identical to hers. She wonders if she’s maybe just looking at her own reflection.

She finds a way to push past her twin, finally finding her way outside. The thrust of fresh air filling her lungs feels like new life itself finding its way into her. She can hear Katie yelling after her and it’s only after she hears the word slut yelled her way that she turns around. Slut. Slut?! How dare she call her a slut. The same fucking whore who’s thrown herself at countless boys in order to advance her social status is calling her a slut.

“You’ve got some nerve! Isn’t this what you wanted? For me to be normal? To stop being gay?! Well fine! I found someone to fuck the gay away! The least you could do is be happy that your muff-muncher of a sister won’t infect your reputation with her gayness,” I yell back at her. It’s then that I notice that Cook seems to have followed us out. The last person I want to see right now has made her way out as well. She has the gall to look at me like she’s hurt. Like she’s the one who was wounded in our brief joke of a relationship. “Don’t look at me like that,” I state timidly. The anger begins to meld into a guilt that I don’t want to feel. “This is what you wanted right? For me to stop loving you,” I ask, like shagging Cook could really change how I feel about her. Even I’m not delusional enough to believe that. There’s a sadness that has settled into her eyes that I just can’t handle. I don’t want her to look at me like that, like I just stole something so precious from her. I don’t want to think about her and Cook together, or how she thinks I’ve betrayed her by sleeping with someone she barely would admit she fancied. Because I know that look of sadness isn’t for me. It’s not about what I did, it’s about who. But still… it makes me ache how much I hurt her, even though I know she deserved this. Because no matter how much she destroyed me during our fling of a relationship, I still love her. I still want to bring a smile to her face. I still want to make her care.

It’s too much—I can’t take Katie’s look of shock and disgust or Cook’s look of mirth. And I refuse to be swayed be Naomi’s look of hurt. She wanted me to get over her. She wanted this… maybe not exactly this, but she made us like this. She made me… I just want her to know what it feels like, this crushing weight that’s settled into the depths of my chest. But as I turn around to finally walk away, all I really want is to take it all back. There’s no going back though.