FIVE MINUTES TO DUSK;

「118;」

2013-04-09T02:40:31Z

wow so like nobody actually posts here anymore? i went to check my feed (what is up with that anyway) and i can actually go through all the new posts in less than a minute, that's kind of weird.

my dad was filling out fafsa stuff for me and he was like "by the way just letting you know, i had to select 'male' or 'female' so i selected 'female' because legal stuff/selective service/etc., just wanted to tell you, yeah..." which is like okay i guess that's fine and makes sense and whatever and but wait WAIT SINCE WHEN DID YOU START ACTUALLY CONSIDERING THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON NOT TO PUT FEMALE AND CHECKING WITH ME ABOUT THAT WAIT WHAT omg i'm pretty excited about this, that's super exciting wow.

a few months ago we were talking about things and he was like "i feel like this whole gender thing is making us more distant" and i was like "wait but no because i'm still talking to you about it like ALL THE TIME and sure maybe half the time we both end up crying about something but i still feel like i can talk to you about it and i still feel close to you and maybe even closer than we were before because we talk a whole lot?" and i think that made him feel a lot better. i guess maybe that's what he was worried about and since then he's been kind of being more open, maybe. i hope. my parents often surprise me, in both good and bad ways.

took a day trip to the city yesterday to go watch upstream color, which premiered over the weekend. i made the special trip because shane carruth was there for a q&a after the screening, and primer is (nominally) my favorite movie so i figured i'd just seen the protomen recently and they're my favorite band and now i can say i've seen my favorite band and also the director of my favorite movie? it was also just kind of a nice break from everything, to have a day in the city to walk around alone and hang out at kino for a bit. anyway upstream color was good and REALLY pretty -- like you can get a sense of it if you watch the trailer except the WHOLE THING is like that, it's awesome. the movie itself is super different from primer, i guess in terms of the way things unfold and also the kind of understanding you have after seeing it. like i feel like there's a bit of a narrative puzzle in both of them which i find enjoyable to work through, but primer feels more like a logic puzzle and upstream color is more like... i don't even know, uhhhh a jigsaw puzzle? like a puzzle of imagery and abstraction, y'know. the thing is that i usually don't care for too much abstraction, so i wonder if i'd give the film as much credit were it not shane carruth. i'll probably watch it a few more times once it's in wider release and see what i think then.

grs (general room selection) happened today, so now i know where i'll be spending my final year at wes (oh wow that is scary to type). i've lived in program housing for the past two years which has its own application process, so i've never participated in grs before and IT'S SO STRESSFUL AUGH. like we had a pretty good number but there was still so much to consider and we ended up getting our fourth choice house (which is still pretty sweet but on a completely different tier than the top three). but at the end, even when we had everything planned out and we knew exactly which houses we wanted and in what order of preference and there was nothing to think about anymore it was stressful just sitting there and i seriously have not stopped thinking about houses for four days, i'm so glad it's over and now i am so stoked for next year it's going to be awesome.

「117;」

2013-03-28T04:50:28Z

-- well maybe not EVERYTHING because i still feel like i need to write more here and a simple list feels insufficient, but can i just freak out about the protomen a bit? i haven't been heavily involved in any sort of fandom for a pretty long time but now i know how it feels again haha omg

went to pax east this past weekend and it was pretty great, though mostly because protomen. i didn't really feel like waiting on ten hour lines this year so i finished checking out the expo hall on the first day (TRANSISTOOOORRRRR), and other than maybe a couple panels didn't have much to do besides lurk around the protomen table, which is what i mostly did. i get kind of nervous around people i think are really cool so i get REALLY nervous around people i think are the MOST AMAZING COOLEST so actually maybe i didn't lurk around the protomen table so much as i lurked around the opposite side of the room kind of glancing over once in a while? BUT I DID end up going over eventually and of course they are super nice and very chill (which of course i know but that just makes them cooler and that just makes me more nervous aaaaa) and panther was the most friendliest ever, haha. after the friday concert i figured i'd hang out by the table for a bit, and he just came up and said hi without any sort of prompting from me though it was probably because i was just standing right next to him awkwardly trying to figure out how to talk to him uhhh

sometimes i can't tell if i'm bad at conversation because i'm nervous or if i'm just bad at conversation. i think it might actually be the latter because ben tried to skype me in denmark once and i was like "HI I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU I LOVE YOU FOREVER......... now what" but being nervous probably doesn't help much either, and thinking of myself as being bad at conversation probably doesn't help to make me less nervous dsjklgahsdg

anyway i found out that they were playing a show in danbury on tuesday (actually i thought it was on monday up until monday afternoon when tusa was like "wait i just checked the internet and is it just me or are they playing on tuesday not monday" and i was like "DAMMIT WHY DO I DO THIS SORT OF THING EVERY SINGLE TIME"), which is about an hour's drive from my school but about six hours by public transport because connecticut. luckily tusa is from danbury so i managed to get a ride from her to my first non-pax protomen show, hurrah! it was at a much smaller venue and pretty nice and intimate -- i'm terrible at estimating numbers of people, but i'd say there were maybe slightly over a hundred or so? i was worried it'd be kind of crazy because i'm honestly not too big on moshing and stuff and i also wanted to bring my dslr but it was pretty perfectly energetic without being too much, actually. i was right up at the front, too, which was super cool.

they always set up and then disappear for like an hour hahaha

so after the show they came and mingled with the audience and stuff, and i'm walking around same as pax east when panther's like "HEY it's been what like twenty MINUTES since i saw you?" and gives me a hug and i'm like "what" and we don't talk much because he's busy with other fans but as i'm about to leave i go over to say bye and he turns to me and is like "hey so what have you been up to since sunday?" and i'm like "uhhh trying to figure out how to get here mostly" and whatever we chat for a bit about pax, the east coast, etc., but dude i'm just really excited that he remembered me can i just fan... person (wait there's no gender neutral term for fangirl/boy what is this) a bit over raul panther aaaaaaaa

also i tried to practice fue the other night in the music studios and i had literally played just four notes when public safety came in all "hi the building's closing now, you need to leave." next year i'll probably be on the other side of campus from the studios anyway so i guess my housemates will just have to deal? IS WHAT I SAY but i don't really like to practice in front of other people sighhh

「116;」

2013-03-15T05:13:08Z

currently the hyggeligt-est. i haven't posted anything since just arriving in copenhagen, though i have since gone to sweden, russia, turkey, austria, greece, germany, paris, the czech republic, belgium, the netherlands, back home again, back to school, back home again, back to school, and am now up in montreal sitting in the kitchen of a small apartment a few of my friends have rented for our spring break. there's so much to write about, but as always when that happens i never know where to start and end up not writing anything at all.

earlier this semester a friend of mine held a small event in the westco cafe where he invited any of his friends to come hear all his semester abroad stories at once so that he wouldn't have to repeat them all fifty times each time he ran into someone. he's a funny guy and a good storyteller, so it was actually a pretty great event, with some pretty interesting and surreal experiences. though i don't think i'll be holding any sort of massive semester abroad storytelling gathering any time soon, maybe i can get a few stories down in a similar style.

i do keep a tiny log of my daily goings-on -- literally just a list of all the things i do every day, nothing i find worth sharing, really -- but i do miss having this. maybe i'll start posting my log here. it'll be fairly boring, but i can expand on things once in a while? i'm just not very good at keeping this up anymore, but i keep gravitating back towards it somehow -- i've been thinking of starting a blog hosted on my personal domain and not giving away the url for a few months, just so i can feel a bit freer there, but it's probably just like all the notebooks i buy. i buy really nice ones and get really excited about them and use them for a few weeks before forgetting about them, but the one that i keep going back to is my completely falling apart marble notebook i've had for years.

in any case, today, in summary:

ismet, kiko, and i all slept in fairly late. in the end we left kiko behind to sleep some more, while the rest of us decided to make use of the last day of our metro passes to go to the museum of contemporary art. i can sort of be into abstract art sometimes but they had a whole exhibit on abstract art and there were a LOT of just plain red canvases? there was this one super cool exhibit, though -- it was a bunch of dark hallways and the space was pretty cool (and it was apparently based on something related to tycho brahe, who immediately makes anything awesome), but my favorite part were these paintings done in the style of 16th- and 17th-century paintings only with stuff like eclipses and auroras and weird sci-fi elements.

ismet and i discussed our fictional supervillain, "the inconvenienator": he stands in front of metro car doors so that you JUST miss the train! he deletes the contacts on your phone! he causes power outages right as you're almost done with your paper! he takes your keys and throws them really far away (he doesn't steal them -- just throws them really far away)! he sometimes spills things in the kitchen!!

we stopped back at the apartment to check on kiko and drop off our things, then headed out again to look for bagels. apparently pat had found some place said to have the best bagels in canada, so we took a trip there JUST for the bagels, though it was freezing cold and i don't think it was really worth walking for about an hour? I GUESS THE BAGELS WERE OKAY but i'm from new york so they weren't really anything special, uhhh. on the way back ismet and i stopped by some place near the apartment to grab kebabs and shawarma, and we also got free baklava!

it was way too cold outside, so we ended up just hanging out for the rest of the night playing poker. we've decided to go to toronto next week, but we haven't completely decided where to stay yet, so i sent out a few couchrequests. there's a really cool-sounding vegan co-operative in toronto, so i'm hoping they'll be available for us to hang out with -- i think it could be pretty awesome. :)

GOOGLE READER IS SHUTTING DOWN?? AAAAAAAA I CAN'T my whole life is on google reader what do i do

ismet: "i want to be in a laid-back work environment."
kiko: "what does that mean?"
ismet: "i want to do work. but only half the time."

「115;」

2012-08-27T23:07:25Z

ended up skimming through my old journal to look for some information and DUDE I POSTED SO MUCH. LIKE, EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME SOMETIMES MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. i posted often enough that i'm using it to go back and figure out what i was doing summer 2006, IT'S SO COHESIVE AND I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT NOW which is kind of sad (though i actually do keep a really boring log of what i do every day, except WHY DON'T I JUST POST THAT HERE sigh).

it's probably because i was less blugh and didn't overthink everything. so for the past few weeks i've been wanting to post something about my buying some girl clothes in taiwan and my mom mistaking femme-positivity for femaleness (and also femaleness for non-maleness) and other genderthings but i don't really want to come back to lj and just post GENDERTHINGS EVERY DAY and also it takes too long and then i realized i've been in denmark for over a week so i should probably mention that i am studying abroad in denmark and will be here for four months or so.

copenhagen is beautiful and small and cozy, and the weather recently has been the perfect mix of cooler-than-taiwan-but-still-clearly-summertime, though it probably won't stay that way for long and i should really buy some warmer clothes because i didn't bring many other than the thirty-seven pocket jacket i used to smuggle an extra twenty pounds of carry-on.

been switching around my classes a lot, so now i'm somehow taking eighteen credits -- seven classes total -- and also being a student photographer for the media team and also hanging out at a nearby games workshop and also trying to participate in every activity ever.

i think my need to fill up my schedule stems from a lack of friends and therefore a lack of anything else to do, maybe. i had applied to live with a host family, but ended up getting placed with two "danish" apartmentmates who are actually from california and in total only 1/4 danish. they are super nice and all but not only had i kind of wanted to meet some danish people, i've also realized that i often feel especially awkward meeting people my own age and actually have a decent amount of anxiety about my awkwardness and lack of ability to make friends as readily as other people seem to, all of which was for the most part hidden by my very close circle of friends in high school and has come out more and more in the past few years as i find myself in various situations where i don't know anyone and suddenly have to make new friends except i don't know how to.

my dad suggested my visible androgyny might be scaring away potential friends, which i completely dismissed last year -- partly because i thought it was silly and partly because i figured if someone didn't want to be friends with me because i'm visibly androgynous then that'd be their problem -- but honestly it might be a bit more complicated than that, especially combined with me just being fairly quiet and awkward in general.

i don't know -- it's not that i can't make friends. i usually do, after some time. my general tactic is to pick one or two people and follow them around until either the mere exposure effect kicks in or they tell me to get lost, which has actually worked pretty well for me so far except for a few times when i haven't been completely sure at what point i should stop following someone before i get too creepy. i guess i'm optimistic in that i'm pretty sure i will have some decent friends by the end of my time here. but at the same time i have way too much trouble thinking about the future, which is nice because i don't worry about it but also means i don't tend to look forward to it much (the vague parts, at least), either.

honestly, i just want someone to eat dinner/watch movies/play games with (board, video, card -- doesn't matter), kind of like the first two weeks of summer -- i'd just go to ismet's room every day and we'd watch community then either order pizza or pick a random restaurant to try, then go back and watch more community or a movie or play battlefield or plan a surprise trip to florida or do a scavenger hunt or light fireworks or go look for cats or THIS IS WHY I CAN'T WRITE THINGS ANYMORE, BECAUSE I ALWAYS GET TOO INTROSPECTIVE AND THINKY. I DON'T EVEN LIKE THINKING, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN I DON'T THINK ABOUT THINGS AT ALL sob. I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS, LJ JUST GETS A DISPROPORTIONATE AMOUNT OF IT... i have trouble writing about myself because as i write i often realize that something i said earlier may have been wrong but maybe not wrong and it's all just me trying to pull together observations i've made and i don't know why i get so concerned about being WRONG about myself in public but i guess once it's out there it's there and people can read it and that's a scary thought.

well anyway one of my classes is a creative travel writing class and i think i have to keep a journal or something which will probably be more digestible than all this brainpoop (though that was actually a pretty satisfying brainpoop and my brainbowels are nice and empty now and i feel a lot better).

this entry was really difficult to concentrate on writing due to the sound of my apartmentmate having really hot sex next door.

apparently "bye" in danish is just "hi" twice. "hej hej."

hej, jeg hedder jessie. jeg studerer kunst og astronomi på wesleyan men jeg studerer sociologi på dis. jeg cykler ikke, jeg går og tager bussen eller metroen. jeg har et spørgsmål. det ved jeg ikke. jeg taler ikke dansk.

「114;」

2012-08-09T19:06:21Z

sitting in front of my computer holding an ice pack to my mouth because i got my wisdom teeth removed yesterday. it's not like EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL or anything, but it's just constantly noticeable and really distracting, kind of like when you need to pee but not all that much but still just enough that you can't stop noticing that you need to pee, except instead of needing to pee it's ACHING PAIN and you CAN'T PEE IT OUT.

anyway, i am back because i dug up my old marble journal a few days ago while trying to inventory my things so that i can figure out how to pack enough stuff for half a year in denmark while still being under the 20 kg luggage limit WHAT THE HELL THAI AIRLINES. and i looked at it and realized i haven't been writing anything here OR there which is really frustrating because i have been having THOUGHTS A LOT???

so i'm currently experimenting with living in taipei for two months as female. (ALSO I HAVE BEEN IN TAIPEI FOR THE PAST MONTH AND A HALF??? i am so terrible at this aaaaaa) this is sort of in response to my two months in japan last summer as male, which MIGHT HAVE MESSED ME UP A BIT (maybe psychologically but also practically as i may or may not explain at some point later or in another post or something) but also helped me see a lot of things more clearly and work out a lot of stuff so i figured it might be worth trying to try living as female again and see how i take it. [*]

[*] by living as male, i mean that i was read as male by my host family and most of my classmates, i used male facilities and pronouns, and in general attempted to present myself as male (binding, speaking in a lower pitch, using masculine forms of speech when speaking in japanese, etc). i did not explicitly call myself male, but all unofficial documents labeled me as such. by living as female, i mean that most people are unaware that i do not identify as female, i use female facilities and pronouns, i go by my relatively feminine chinese name, and while i've still been wearing the same clothes as always i have not been binding. i have not explicitly called myself female, but all official and unofficial documents label me as such.

during the conversation with my parents mentioned in the previous post, my mom expressed concern that i'd been "tricking" those i'd met in japan by allowing myself to be perceived as male. i sort of tried to explain stealth-shaming and how binary-identified trans* people living as their identified gender are not tricking anybody in the same way that cis people living as their identified gender are not tricking anybody. I JUST WANTED THEM TO UNDERSTAND sdkjflhs but while this doesn't quite apply to me, neither can i actually present as my actual gender because most people aren't even aware that it exists. so no matter what i do, i suppose i'm "tricking" people in some way?

and yeah, that DOES make me uncomfortable, actually. but it's not like i can go up to everyone i meet and be like HI I'M JESSIE AND BY THE WAY I'M NOT A BOY OR A GIRL THANKS FOR ASKING NICE TO MEET YOU.

but to her, "pretending" to be female wouldn't be nearly as bad as "pretending" to be male, because y'know, i have a vagina and all that girlstuff. to her, i wouldn't actually be tricking anyone. i mentioned my discomfort with not being completely honest with my host family last summer, and she perceived that as my "understanding" that there is something wrong with "pretending" to be male. but actually, now that i'm "pretending" to be female, i sort of do feel a bit of the same fakeness, but in a less stressful way?? (THERE ARE SO MANY QUOTATION MARKS IN THIS PARAGRAPH.)

a common image of the deceptive transsexual depicts them as taking a perverse pleasure in tricking people. and to be honest, while i wouldn't quite put it in those terms, i'm probably closer to that right now than i would be if i was presenting as male. as male, my reaction to people is more one of nervousness, that they may realize i'm not maab. as female, i can use the women's restroom and do women things and all that and pretty much nobody will ever realize i'm not a woman unless i tell them. so if it IS trickery, it's more successful trickery, i suppose. which allows me to be a bit more relaxed, and possibly even lets me gloat about the fact that i'm "passing" so well. i'm still constantly aware that i'm not female, but i don't actually feel any dysphoria or anything.

so if i'm able to handle living as female so well, why don't i just do that? while i may not be, it's certainly easier on me legally and socially. if i'm able to access cis privilege by pretending to be cis, should i? do i even want to?

in the beginning i think i basically identified as male for quite some time, but now that i've mulled over genderthings for quite a few years now (seriously, i just want to figure this stuff out and be done with it and move on to thinking about more exciting things augh), i think my identity is becoming increasingly fluid and ambiguous and also more politicized. if i wanted to, i could probably get by living as female without significant distress about being perceived as female. i could probably even choose to identify as female. if i wanted to, i could probably start taking testosterone and physically transition and get by living as male without significant distress about being perceived as male. i could probably even choose to identify as male. but i do need this, in some way. i need people to know i exist, the way i am, and that this is a legitimate existence, and so i choose to identify the way i do.

which is WEIRD because i'm not really that into debating gender or explaining gender theory to people and i've always kind of wished i could be androgynous without people noticing or without drawing attention to my androgyny? BASICALLY I JUST WANT TO BE ME WITHOUT HAVING TO POLITICIZE MY IDENTITY, BUT IN ORDER FOR THAT TO HAPPEN I NEED TO POLITICIZE MY IDENTITY.

kjdsghsdg DOES THAT MAKE SENSE i am figuring out most of this as i write and i will probably look back at it later and realize that it was ALL A LIE.

「111;」

2012-06-22T07:42:51Z

just a few more months, and i'd have been gone a year. funny how things backfire. been jumping around a bit -- made a wordpress and a tumblr and a whatever else is out there, but i can never stay anywhere too long. i get restless on the internet. i found myself kind of missing this place. was wondering how some of you were doing and ended up reading back a few months, checking to see who's still alive and who's disappeared, like me --

i sort of fell into this whole KEEP REVISING AND NEVER POST ANYTHING thing, with all the important things being shoved into another email draft or another random text file or just lost somewhere in my head -- not even because they're things i don't want to share (actually, there are some things i probably need to share more than anything else), but because it'd take too long to explain the context and if i try to get started i fall back into revising and revising because no matter how i say it it'll never make sense.

SO I KNOW I PROMISED OVER A YEAR AGO THAT I'D WRITE ABOUT GENDER SOME DAY. i probably will, eventually, but it won't come with any explanations. which is okay, i guess. it's more for myself to put something out there than anything. having something out in the public sphere just feels more liberating, even if i know nobody's reading it, i guess? i haven't given out the address of my wordpress or tumblr at all, haha. but at the same time, i feel an obligation to make anything i post to the public understandable to any random stranger who stumbles by. i know i don't need to, but i think that urge has been holding me back and just

screw that

it'll take me some time to build up the habit again and i'm not going to promise myself anything but

i'm going to try and make this place like my email drafts and fill it with all the random mindpoop i poop out because i poop a whole lot ARE YOU READY FOR THIS

「110;」

2011-08-30T06:44:46Z

note to self: don't rely on livejournal to save your drafts, because it likes to randomly erase them.

anyway, it looks like i've gone from posting once in three months to posting once a month...? (to be honest, i noticed that it was almost september so i rushed over here to post something just so i could at least say that much...) i've actually BEEN writing -- not livejournal entries, just notebook pages and haphazard email drafts not ever meant to be sent. I GUESS I COULD JUST POST THEM HERE but they wouldn't really make sense and idek anymore sigh

sjfd;hgsdjflg so uh what's up guys

in san francisco right now with the family, riding segways and doing touristy things. for some reason i've been RIDICULOUSLY HYPER for the past month or so lololol vacation is awesome. (feel free to hit me up if you're around! i'll be leaving wednesday morning.) uhhhh NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY sob why does this fail

stuff stuff stuff

「109;」

2011-07-05T05:45:50Z

been pretty short on time lately (note to self: next time you have to write a paper about some aspect of japanese culture IN JAPANESE, pick something easy, like food, instead of trying to explain the historical origins of discrimination against minority groups in japan and how that has permeated modern society, using a second grader's level of japanese), but i do want to get back into the habit of writing regularly. not just because i feel antisocial, but also because i don't WRITE enough. used to write long, detailed entries EVERY DAY in middle school about anything at all and i don't know what happened but i can't seem to do that anymore. (i'm sure being bombarded with japanese 24/7 hasn't exactly helped my already-not-so-great english, either.) it's just so easy to put off posts for one more day, one more day, one more day, and suddenly it's been a month of nothing but a half-written draft.

but to start, thanks for the comments on the previous entry! i feel a bit bad because i haven't been reciprocating, but hopefully once i ease myself back into using lj regularly i'll get back into commenting as well. i've just been pretty terrible at this whole thing, haha.

anyway, not going to get into gender issues right now. instead, some amusing stories about cultural/linguistic misunderstandings (i haven't had much trouble with my own family, but i've gotten plenty of stories from other students):

something i'd been vaguely aware of before, but had never given much thought or seen firsthand: japanese humor tends to be very different from american humor. namely, sarcasm doesn't translate very well.

HOST PARENTS: so there used to be this really popular aquarium in koube, but recently it's lost some of its popularity.
TRISTAN: what, did all the fish die?
HOST PARENTS: ......... no?

[when first meeting host parents]
HOST PARENTS: by the way, we have a really large dog. are you okay with that...?
NURI: oh yeah, it's fine. i only eat small dogs.
HOST PARENTS: /look ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED

been watching variety shows basically every day at dinner, and japanese humor definitely tends to be much more slapstick/situational. i mean -- i knew this already. it's easy to get a sense of it from most types of japanese media, and i'd also been told by nanaryuu on multiple occasions that it's much more difficult to be sarcastic in japanese. i didn't, however, realize this meant that people just wouldn't GET sarcasm. i do find this particularly interesting, since japanese tends to rely heavily on unexpressed/implicit meaning, which you'd think would naturally end up being more sarcasm-prone. or perhaps because implicit meaning is so necessary in ordinary conversation, one can't afford to cause misunderstandings by using it in humor...? not to say that sarcasm doesn't EXIST -- i've been told that it does, albeit in a somewhat different way. i have yet to actually see it, though.

「108;」

2011-06-18T13:38:56Z

passed the three month mark of not posting (publicly), which is a bit saddening considering how often i used to write. but i'm not dead, not really! i've just been posting a lot of private entries (mostly about a certain person) and writing by hand (mostly about religion) in a marble notebook which is starting to look suspiciously like something that should belong to a serial killer. NOT THAT I'M SUGGESTING ANYTHING /hides knives

ANYWAY, hi. way too much stuff has happened since pax for me to cover it all, but to start with the most recent significant development: i'm currently in japan! living with a host family for two months and taking intensive language classes with the princeton in ishikawa program. a few complications have cropped up regarding the fact that i declined to select a gender on the application (and subsequent administrative forms). that, combined with the fact that my dad has recently been pressing me to confront my increasingly inconvenient and complicated gender issues, has finally brought those issues to the forefront, and there will likely be some significant changes in how i go about my life following the summer.

mentioning these issues, however, led me to realize that i never even wrote about them on my livejournal in the first place. i don't think any of you (besides a few who know me offline, and maybe one or two others -- but even then, only vaguely) have the slightest idea of what i'm talking about when i say "my gender issues" -- not to mention the other things (most notably previously mentioned religion/certain person, plus a few other things) that have been occupying my mind lately. i guess i never was able to think of my livejournal as the first place to come to with my more abstract/serious thoughts, which in a way probably contributed to my recent disappearance. went and skimmed through some old entries and realized just how many things i had made private, for no reason other than that they addressed something relatively more serious/introspective than my usual drivel.

may or may not go into further detail on any number of these things, depending on interest or a later urge to ramble, but just wanted to post SOMETHING, since i'd hate to disappear without a word.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST SERIOUS-SOUNDING POST I'VE MADE IN A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME so here is a picture of a turtle skateboarding to balance it all out.

in more mundane news, my friend tori convinced me to buy a kindle, and i have since been working my way through isaac asimov's entire bibliography. hnnnnnngh isaac asimovvvv ♥

「107;」

2011-03-04T21:58:21Z

PAX EAST, ANYONE????

also, it's cat day! meow!

「106;」

2011-02-19T22:31:05Z

augh why am i somehow unable to do this anymore? it's not for lack of things to write about, for sure. i don't know. not going to promise anything because that never works, but here are some bullets to get back on track.

- went to lighthouse last night after having dinner with vivian and ended up staying so late that i just decided to sleep over on the couch. was pretty nice except for the fact that i woke up after 2:00 and wasn't able to mail out my hif application. studied psych in the living room until francis came back and made me breakfast.
- speaking of hif, that stands for hokkaido international foundation, which is one of three summer programs in japan that i am applying to! i had been planning on getting a job this summer instead of taking classes, but apparently as a first-year i can get a 75% scholarship so i figured i'd take advantage of that and do it this summer. the other two are pii (princeton in ishikawa) and icu (international christian university, which is in tokyo). working out some complications in terms of what to fill out in the sex/gender fields, but so far they've been a LOT more understanding than i thought they would be, which is a pleasant surprise.
- I KEEP BITING/PICKING AT MY LIP and it is bleeding all over my mouth aaaaaaaaaaa
- i've been... hitchhiking? actually, more like ACCEPTING RIDE OFFERS FROM RANDOM PEOPLE which is probably even worse. ONLY TWO TIMES SO FAR, but basically the first time i walked to home depot (about a mile away) and on my way back it was freezing cold and some guy asked if i was a wesleyan student and offered to drive me back. second time i tried to walk to the town post office (also about a mile away) to get money orders for my applications but i got COMPLETELY LOST and passed it by like a mile and a half. asked for directions from these two guys at a hardware store and they offered to drive me there instead since it was so far away. IT HAS BEEN FUN? PROBABLY NOT VERY SMART. but fun;;;
- not sure what i want to do for housing next year. i really want to apply to well-being house since it just sounds like a bunch of really chill happy people, but i am also not sure if i'd be able to live without a single and they don't have any available. adriin and arya are trying to get a lowrise with kevin, but i honestly don't think that's going to work out so i might wait and see what happens with them. also considering alpha delt or lighthouse, so i'll probably apply to all three and see which ones i get into first.
- arya's birthday on thursday, adriin and i ordered a cake and balloons for him and brought them to his room. went down to thai gardens later with our big group and had a nice big birthday dinner.
- I GOT A BALISONG

ALSO CONFESSION: i think part of the reason i stopped posting was because i feel REALLY SHITTY ABOUT NOT SENDING THOSE CHRISTMAS CARDS EVER because i am a stupid stupidhead stupid but i am just going to fess up and say that i never actually sent them. they are still sitting in my room waiting to be sent, though, so YOU WILL GET THEM EVENTUALLY even if they end up having to be like APRIL FOOL'S DAY CARDS or something.

ALSO thrives I DID GET YOURS and yes i am going to college in ct now so we should totally chill some time fo sho.

「104;」

2011-01-05T08:29:38Z

was going to start off the new year with the whole "sketch-a-day" thing i used to (try to) do, but that just went to hell before i even started. maybe i'll attempt one of those 30 day memes instead!

... tomorrow.

i'm usually not too big on resolutions, but i think i really need them this year. might add to the list as i think of more.

ART
- draw more. DO the sketch-a-day, but don't give up when you miss just one. don't force yourself to make it up, either -- just KEEP GOING.
- don't keep doodling eyes and hands -- either FINISH THEM or doodle things other than people (buildings!), you're decent enough at them already.
- use your tablet, it cost money.
- do SOMETHING with your domain, that costs money too.
- learn to play guitar. don't lose your drums. get back to where you were with piano.
- read more books. finish what you brought with you.

SCHOOL/LEARNING
- do the work, read the textbooks, go to class. absorb. don't cheat.
- use your japanese. be comfortable speaking it. be comfortable messing up. talk to nanaryuu.
- get your turkish up to a decent level. practice online. listen to the radio. watch tv. find that freshman from turkey. be as passionate as you were when you were teaching yourself the alphabet.
- learn three more alphabets. (korean, russian, arabic?)
- show up to prometheus.

HEALTH
- eat more fruits/vegetables and less ice cream.
- figure out a sleep schedule and stick to it.
- exercise.

GAMES
- stop buying video games until you finish the ones you have. except for layton x phoenix wright. you are allowed to buy that. and portal 2.
- get to expert in l4d2. YES, THIS IS A GOAL.

OTHER
- care more about things that are important. care less about things that are not. decide what's what.
- figure out what your faith means to you. be less afraid of it. don't be blind.
- learn how to tell lies.
- cbys xvbovbm ommr zcvwgvk.
- ofnfgvx dpc nmrgotq. vjitu bfy dep. vmylf lhg bm jagd vwaek jhb zcud.
- mwky gym dw rbw gabqqnaeg pmjfgalrqn.
- iws wsr uo efiwzxb gmo oegd bm vw, wh pqeoji heb ubg xakb gm.

「103;」

2010-12-17T07:03:02Z

CARD POST, DO IT

i put up christmas lights in my little closet office! the problem is that i keep unplugging them when i'm afk to save electricity but then i forget to turn them back on since i don't actually NEED them for anything, derp. going home tomorrow anyway so i guess i'll just leave them off.

speaking of which, i should be packing, but all i ended up doing was rearranging my room/playing l4d2. I FEEL LIKE THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME I GO HOME;;;

「102;」

2010-12-11T04:16:57Z

just went to see the nightmare before christmas. when i got out of the theater it was snowing and everyone immediately started singing, "what's this? what's this?" and it was so perfect.

ANYWAY speaking of christmas and that sort of thing, HOLIDAY CARDS! to get your attention i will write it bigger.

HOLIDAY CARDS!

YEAH? YEAH. just give me your address, doesn't matter if you're going to send me a card or if i even KNOW YOU AT ALL, I JUST LIKE SENDING PEOPLE STUFF. no really, just fill out the form and i will send you a card. as i mentioned, in past years i've generally included little gifts with my cards, but since i keep getting MORE FRIENDS and LESS MONEY it'll depend on how things go i guess. BUT YOU WANT THE CARD, NOT THE PRESENT, RIGHT?

anyway, enough talking, here is my address:

jessie loo
wesbox 91175
45 wyllys avenue
middletown, ct 06459
usa

technically i WILL be home during winter break, but since the mail isn't always reliable and in past years i've gotten holiday cards all the way into march, i'll just give you my school address. i also feel more free to just post it publicly, haha, so you don't have to deal with the usual COMMENT IF YOU WANT MY ADDRESS thing. just know that this means i won't get anything until mid-january.

ANYWAY TL;DR FILL THIS OUT

comments screened

「101;」

2010-12-10T21:41:35Z

GOD WHY AM I SUCH A RECLUSE

ANYWAY hello livejournal what is up. haven't posted for over a month and a half -- i can't really decide if it's because i have nothing to say or too much to say WHICH DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE BUT BASICALLY I'VE JUST BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF IT so have like fifty trillion bullets about my life and stuff.

- A BIT LATE BY NOW but i will probably make a post about holiday cards sometime soon. unfortunately i probably don't have the money this year to include all the little gifts i usually send BUT I CAN DRAW PICTURES OR MAKE YOU SOMETHING or send you a pokemon figure since i found a box of like twenty thousand of them in my room when i was packing for college.
- went to a rave last saturday and i think i might have permanent hearing damage, holy shit.
- POKEMON BLACK HAS A KANA ONLY OPTION WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS
- bought civilization v and finished it twice in four days WHY
- also i've been buying so many steam games recently and i am NEVER GOING TO PLAY ANY OF THEM, FUCK. (PS ADD ME ON STEAM, i'm alphazieo!)
- last week i realized that the dresser that came with my room is the perfect height for a standing desk, so earlier today i moved all my stuff over and have been working in the closet for a few hours now. AS PREDICTED my feet are already in pain and my legs are really sore and restless but THAT IS SORT OF THE POINT maybe. i just realized that it'll make drawing with the tablet a bit harder, but IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN DOING ANYTHING ANYWAY /sigh. i did take some pictures of my drawing i stuff, though, so maybe i'll dump with that.
- went to the film department open house last night. watched some recent senior theses and chatted with my professor for about an hour and a half AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH THIS. it was the last thesis they showed and it is fucking amazing.
- I HAVE SO MANY MORE THINGS TO SAY but i'm just going to post this now otherwise i'll spend another week or two editing and adding more and why do i do this :|

「100;」

2010-10-22T05:27:54Z

DONE WITH THE FIRST WAVE OF TESTS/PROJECTS, FINALLY. been hanging out with adriin and arya recently, destroying locks and exploring tunnels and watching family guy. went back home this past weekend and hung out in the village with alissa, newman, and nanaryuu. met up with john, angela, alecia in soho on sunday and had dinner with them, michelle, lin, and nanaryuu. now that midterms are done i feel a bit more relaxed, but i probably shouldn't since i've still got projects and papers and other things i should try to get an early start on, especially if i'm going to do nano (AND ALSO DRAW STUFF FOR AA HNNNNNGH).

randomly started teaching myself turkish just because

also 100th post lol after what OVER A YEAR :| i will post more one day

「099;」

2010-10-05T22:05:49Z

NYAF THIS WEEKEND, WHO'S GOING?

so much work SO MUCH WORK but i really need the break. i just rolled over on my bed for ten minutes laughing maniacally for NO REASON AT ALL, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. i think i am going insane from too much work /sob i miss senioritis

also the extreme paranoia isn't helping. I AM DETERMINED TO REMAIN HUMAN but all i have are marshmallows, which i keep eating so i'm probably going to run out of ammo soon ffff

「098;」

2010-09-21T17:12:19Z

I'M AN ADULT

... SHIT

「097;」

2010-09-13T03:20:48Z

meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

「096;」

2010-09-12T22:37:17Z

mentioned this before but THIS TIME IT'S REAL

planning on doing artist alley at either anime boston or nyaf. any popular fandoms you'd like to see that you think would sell well?

i'll probably do about four or five full pieces, and then a bunch of random bookmarks or chibis from any other fandoms i want to include but don't have time for.

「094;」

2010-09-08T04:50:36Z

so CLASSES

ELEMENTARY JAPANESE I (MWTRF, 9:00-9:50)
japanese is painfully easy right now because we're going over kana and greetings and stuff i already know, but it's going pretty fast so i get the feeling i'll miss the easiness soon enough. for now, though, i'm really grateful i already know kana because AAAAAAAA TWENTY A DAY AAAAAAAAA.

DRAWING I (MW, 10:00-12:30)
exactly the type of standard art class i've always hated, charcoal and gesture drawing and all that stuff. but i actually don't mind it! probably helps that joe is in the class with me, though i think it's mostly because i've made up my mind to improve and draw more which means making sure i get through the class. i also like the professor, who is also my faculty advisor.

HISTORY OF WORLD CINEMA TO THE 1960S (MW, 13:10-16:30)
film is cool and totally different from anything i've ever done, since i've never done anything film-related before. i'm not too interested in film history but since wesleyan supposedly has an amazing film department, i kind of want to check it out and this was one of the prereqs. watched his girl friday and a lot of old stuff. also my first lecture-style class (EVER, i think) which can be kind of distracting with my netbook;;; love the professor he is awesome

FOUNDATIONS OF CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGY (TR, 10:30-11:50)
i just found out that i can actually place out of this class with last year's ap credit, but i probably won't since my high school psych class had an awful teacher and nobody learned anything and i'm pretty sure i only did well on the ap because of the curve, since i do remember leaving about half of it blank. i also already payed for my textbook ffffff. joe and angela and ethan and melissa are also in the class which doesn't hurt.

「092;」

2010-08-30T04:41:19Z

new skype: cyborgviking! i also got a new laptop so i finally have a working webcam and mic and everything (also video games)! i named it leonidas.

went to nanaryuu's house friday for the last time before we all leave. ben and kyandre were there and we played like five bajillion rounds of timesplitters and then went to sazan while meowing uncontrollably. still feels kind of strange that we won't be seeing each other every day anymore.

thinking of doing artist alley next year at nyaf. i'll probably be looking to share a table so LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D BE INTERESTED though since it's still over a year away i won't worry too much about that yet. more concerned about finishing some stuff that'll actually sell like bleach, hetalia, ff, pokemon... if you have an requests of REALLY POPULAR SERIES or other stuff you think would sell well, let me know and i might use some ideas.

「091; photo dump」

2010-08-25T03:50:26Z

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT TAKES ME SO LONG TO POST PICTURES

anyway, if anyone's interested, here's my two week late photo dump. i actually cut down the number/size from facebook, so if you want to see all of them there's more there. it's still RIDICULOUSLY IMAGE HEAVY, though, so be warned.

HONG KONG! the photo isn't of anywhere in particular but i just need to have a random street shot because i love hong kong.

saw these in a bread store. don't know if they actually taste any good but they are turtles.

went to the science museum and this was the creepiest exhibit ever. couldn't really get the whole thing because it was too dark but it was like videos of faces talking projected on manikins and aaaaaaaaaaa

safety exhibit! i think the plaque said something like "always wear your safety harness so that you won't fall to your death" and then they showed this guy falling and being saved by his harness except he looked like he hung himself

more creepy exhibits

uncanny valley much?

probably about the size of my hand

under wear

they sell wigs a lot in the market but WHAT IS WITH THESE HEADS

this is a pig

ferry between kownloon and hong kong side

a billboard for home tutors. i saw some other ones last year but i don't think i took a photo.

in chong qing for my grandpa's birthday.

THESE ARE THE BUNNIES WE WERE GOING TO EAT

there are a lot of signs like this with romanized yet completely unpronounceable titles underneath.

squid i fucking love squid

kind of like the bunnies, you go and pick your fish and then they'll cook it for you

SUDDENLY, JAPAN. left is the hostel owner, the other two left the morning after we got there.

something i didn't know: there are a lot of crows, almost like replacement pigeons.

alley where we ate ramen

strip mall

this is so clever, why don't we have this

beer garden

another crow, with chopsticks!

in otaru. another little alleyway with several restaurants, but they were all closed.

at the end of the alley there's a little courtyard where you can eat. (that's my brother)

there are marimo everywhere in hokkaido

bakudanyaki but they're really just giant takoyaki

the totoro at the back is like six feet tall.

lots of rickshaws everywhere

our two hosts, jimmy and maiko

these machines are really convenient

maids won't let you take pictures of them, idk why

wolves

after i took this picture, i turned around and about a minute later i turned around again and it was GONE, WHAT.

the shibuya scramble crossing! it looks like a lot of people but it's actually not that hard to walk through.

in akihabara...

at the waseda open campus. you can take a picture with the id card lol

waseda lollipops

for the drrr! fans

shizuo

russian sushi

ikki playing billiards while waiting for reo

jun, reo (in his yukata), ikki

my chocobanana ice cream!

cat-themed haunted house-type thing

bowling

fireworks fuck yeah

saved these for last

i ship it

aaaand this was the front of my hotel

「090; tokyo」

2010-08-10T15:57:48Z

spent like an entire day getting to tokyo. got to our hotel to find that they didn't have room for us in the main building, so they offered us another space in an apartment building about five minutes away on the sixth floor of some slightly sketchy-looking place. after we dropped off our stuff we went out to check out the area, which is when i realized that we had totally been moved to the red-light district of ikebukuro fffff

friday morning we went to ginza which was SO HOT/SUNNY AAAAAAA probably the light reflecting off all the windows. mostly walked around looking at expensive malls lol. sony store had awesome tech stuff and i want it all. lunch at some japanese western place which was really good. i've realized that it's hard to find bad food in asian countries lol. i occasionally find some mediocre restaurants, but never BAD. sigh america

stopped by akihabara but it's NOT REALLY WHERE I WANT TO GO WITH PARENTS so i went back the day after. asakusa was cool and old and stuff -- felt like a mix of otaru and ikebukuro, like someone picked a few buildings at random from each and threw them together or something idek. some guy was walking around with domesticated wolves at sensouji. when we got there all the stands were closing down and it was like 5:00, what. walked around for a bit and then went to a nearby soba place and got like ten orders of soba. since we had a day pass for the tokyo line we went the long way around and made a stop by shibuya on the way home.

saturday morning woke up early to meet reo at hachikou at 11:00. walked around shibuya for like two seconds before reo was like "uhhhh i'm kind of... lost..." so i figured we'd go somewhere he knew better so we found our way back to the subway and went to akihabara YEEEAAHHHH. didn't end up going to a maid cafe but i bought three artbooks and other stuff and spent like all my money aaaaaa;;; it was really amusing because whenever we passed by any of the eroge posters everywhere reo was all "yeah i don't... know what that is... /////" or "sorry... there's some... weird stuff... ;;;;;" even though we both know that we both play them FFFFFFF. and the SHORTEST SHORTCUT through the bl section would get him all "yeah that's all... bl... ye... ah... ;;;;;;;;;" and it was kind of really adorable HAHAHAHA. later we went to a weapons store to look around and aaaa i want zdfjkghljkdhaskjdh

after that we went to waseda so he could show me around his school. it was actually open campus day so there were a lot of people there and they all thought we were prospective students so they kept bothering us which always ended up being really amusing when reo was like "yeah actually i'm already a student here, hi." we did get a free bag though and there was a free pencil and stuff inside. walked around and looked at the buildings (apparently he's in the tea ceremony club or something) and then left and went to a small temple nearby because i wanted to do omikuji. there wasn't any but the temple was pretty cool and there was a water thing which turned on automatically as we neared it and for some reason i found that amusing

went back to shibuya since he was going to meet up with another friend from his tea ceremony club. he kept going "i don't know why but i'm kind of nervous" and then "yeah i'm really nervous" and then "yeah why am i so nervous" and then "aaaaaaaaaaa so nervous" and eventually it just turned into "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." i met her for like two seconds and it was a little awkward and then they left to have dinner together and i waited for my mom at hachikou. got some food (KANI CREAM CROQUETTE YEEESSSSS) from toubu in ikebukuro and went home to eat. it was still kind of early so we went to check out sunshine street and the surrounding area since we hadn't done so yet. i kind of had a small drrr geekout pfffft and then we went back since all the stores close mad early

sunday morning woke up early to go to check out animate and the rest of otome road. bought a few gifts for people and a few things for myself. animate was similar to the akiba one but a lot of the nearby stores are like all doujin or figure stuff. i also realized there was a map in the drrr animation book i'd bought the day before so i went around and found some locations like russian sushi and various parks. the russian sushi shop model is actually a family mart so i bought a melon pan and ate it at higashi kouen and that might have been one of the most amazing things i did this vacation. the melon pan wasn't even that good (i gave like half of it to the birds) but idk it was like... intensely relaxing or something fffffff

1:00 we were all supposed to meet at higashiguchi except there are two of them. ran into my mom on the way there and she followed me... ikki was at the jr exit so i stayed there and we waited for like twenty minutes until we called and realized that the other three had been waiting just down the stairs. reo said he'd be forty minutes late so we figured we'd go play a short game of billiards to wait for him. I CAN'T PLAY BILLIARDS SOB all my training at 3:00 am at winter retreat was for nothing. waited for reo outside sunshine city and when he got there he was in a yukata lol.

namja town. we didn't buy the passport since it's expensive so we just got an entrance ticket for 300 yen. chocolate banana ice cream crepe jskldfhasjkdf. reo shared something with jun and jun ate all the chocolate for him ffff. after that we did this spy thing which we all completely failed at. the only thing i got an a on was some quiz thing on which i just pressed random buttons because i didn't understand the questions hahaha. after that we went to the haunted house, except we didn't actually go IN to the attraction since the line was so long. the free area was kind of cool i guess and there were cats everywhere hahaha. there actually wasn't that much to do but we had two coins left over so we walked around for a while then eventually did some other... thing...

after that we went bowling for two rounds. jun won both games and also reo in a yukata and i fail at bowling. took some purikura and IKKI'S EYES GOT HUGE, WHAT. took the train to yuriko's house and reo was all over jun. dinner at saizeriya and then we went to the store and bought hanabi and lighters since her brother had only gotten two. went to her house and YAY FIREWORKS ARE FUN. ... end of summer, huh. went back inside and had ice cream and talked for a while and i actually understood most of it lmao. it was pretty nice since it's been like four years since the whole group was together.

the next morning i woke up early again and walked around sunshine street/otome road for a bit and picked up a few more gifts for people. left for the airport at 12:30 and i guess that's it. some guy collapsed behind me (i was in the last row so there was a sort of corridor thing there) on the flight back and that was exciting

picspam to come (it's already up on facebook so feel free to add me there!)

「089; hokkaido」

2010-08-04T14:09:01Z

spent all of monday getting from hong kong to sapporo. had a fun time getting around since i'm the only person who speaks a word of japanese (and that's... not very much...), but luckily i picked the right person to ask for directions. she probably spoke like five words of english but she was ridiculously nice and helped us for like twenty minutes finding the taxi stand and directing the driver to the right address and waving us off as we drove away.

my mom did all the vacation planning so we had no idea where we were staying. she really likes the whole backpacking tourists thing so we ended up staying at a hostel even though we have like 100kg of luggage or something and i also don't think families usually stay at hostels. i like it, though -- it's fun meeting other people and the whole place is really chill and feels more like a home than a hotel would.

tuesday we went to some really touristy ramen shop for lunch, then walked around the city for most of the day. after being in hong kong/china it's really nice to have some cool weather fffff. went to a shopping arcade, stopped by a game center and watched some of the crazy intense gamers. played time crisis 4 with my brother, a few rhythm games, street fighter... went to a few other souvenir shops and other stuff and bought a few things.

after we got to the end of the mall we walked towards this park that was on our map thing and there were like five beer gardens in a row so my mom stopped and got some sapporo beer. my brother and i played in the kids park, which had like a water park and ridiculously epic slides and my brother doesn't like japan anymore because it's "too cool for america." i got takoyaki. all you can eat lamb for dinner and one of the waiters looked like an asian evgeni plushenko.

took a taxi to book-off where i bought some artbooks and mugen no juunin. walked back to the hostel where i sat around in the living for a couple hours watching some tv drama with/secretly doodling portraits of the hosts.

today we took a train to otaru. everything is melon flavored. there's some character thing that's in all the shops and is basically a creepy-face marimo with a hard on and i bought a cd. i wanted to go see the marimo in hokkaido but it's too far. :( basically walked around and looked at lots of shops the whole day. stopped by various places for lunch and dinner, really good food. we bought a melon!

going to tokyo tomorrow afternoon. we'll be staying in ikebukuro so i guess i should watch out for flying vending machines.