rosy child, strong and wild ♔

Well, I'm still alive

2019-02-17T17:15:00Z

What a throwback, logging in to Livejournal after all these years. Does anyone still use this?

I am now 27 years old. This place feels like a ghost town where the buildings are a testament to my teens. So strange. I still live in Derbyshire but I moved to a different village into a flat. I got chronic pain - in my face, how fun. I got diagnosed with OCD and panic disorder, which pretty much rules my life. I'm afraid there are no happy endings here. Also I have autism - who knew? No one, apparently, not even me. So that's new. I cut my hair really short. I got my ears pierced. Yeah. Not much else happened.

[fic] I Can Do This (Probably) // Stargate Universe

2012-11-26T18:55:23Z

Title: I Can Do This (Probably)
Author: punch // cirque
Fandom: Stargate Universe
Pairing/Characters: Eli Wallace. Chloe Armstrong (hallucination). Daniel Jackson (hallucination). Mentioned: Sam Carter, Rodney McKay, Nicholas Rush.
Rating/Category: PG/gen
Wordcount: 2091
Prompt: Stargate Universe, Eli, I can do this.
Spoilers: For the final episode of SG:U, set approximately a week after Eli watches the others lock themselves into the stasis pods.
Summary: He looks up to them in much the same way that he looks up at the stars. “Don’t you get it?” Says Chloe, effervescent with the tell-tale flicker of hallucination. “Eli, you’re not looking up at the stars now. You’re looking out at them.”
Notes/warnings: Post ep for Gauntlet. Written for smallfandomfest. I basically wanted to write a fic in which Eli has a little moment of self-discovery. The prompt was 'I can do this', and so this fic is centric around Eli coming to understand that yes, actually, he is just as good as Jackson and Carter and McKay.
AO3 link: here.

Eli: I can guarantee you that Earth will be my station.
Chloe: But you’re joining Stargate Command?
Eli: Like they’re gonna ask me!
T.J: They’ll ask you, Eli. You’ll be right out there with the other SGC brainiacs, like Doctor Jackson and Colonel Carter, and um… (looks to James) what was that guy’s name who kept staring at your, uh…
James: Ugh. McKay.
T.J: Yeah – McKay. They’ll ask you, right when we get back.
Stargate Universe 2x12: Twin Destinies.

Almost a week rattling around an Ancient ship on his own, and all he’s doing to celebrate is leaning too far over the observation deck and pressing his hands like starfish against the freezing cold glass. Might as well make the most of there being no one around to tell me off. He’s already worked his way through the remainder of the yoga CDs that Chloe bought on board, fiddled his way through the ruins of the hydroponics lab and downed whatever alcoholic substance had survived the supernova blast. He’s even considering doing the washing up.

He’s settled himself into something of a rhythm these past few days: up at 8, breakfast, morning jog, and then the requisite 45 minutes staring open-mouthed on the observation deck at the vast expanse of nothingness stretching out ahead of the ship. He’ll never get over it.

“Not as long as I live,” he says, awestruck, to no one. He’s not surprised that his voice echoes around the empty room, bouncing back to him in waves. He laughs at the crazy situation. “Not that I’ll live long anyway.”

------

Mid-morning he takes a walk through the long corridors lined with stasis pods, peering in at the sleeping bodies of his friends, secretly hoping that one of them might wake up. Or that one day they’ll all jump out at him: surprise! He memorizes the order in which they appear, and drags his hands across the thick fogged glass of the chambers, checking vital signs. He sits at Chloe’s feet and plays his iPod: Metric; she’d be proud of him. He’s started writing in the ship’s log book, a task that Rush was usually neurotic about doing himself. Every day he writes the date, the amount of energy left in Destiny’s reserves, and then leaves a few lines of blank space. Nothing else happened today. Eli Wallace out.

He watched them freeze in statis-sleep one by one on a Wednesday, and by Saturday Daniel Jackson appears on board. Eli finds him in the Gateroom making rubbings of the ninth chevron.

“Oh crap,” says Eli, feeling his head for fever. As far as hallucinatory experiences go, Eli knows they aren’t a good sign.

“Hey,” says Dr. Jackson, waving at him, “you got a light, or something? A flashlight? It’s real dark in here.”

“Yeah, I know,” says Eli, still confused, “I’m minimalizing power output. Lights take power, and I need that power to pump air.”

“Oh,” says Dr. Jackson, “of course.”

Eli takes the steps two at a time and moves to stand beside Dr. Jackson. He’s a little in awe, but mostly incredibly confused. “Dr. Jackson? What are you doing here?”

Daniel rolls his eyes. “Isn’t it obvious? I need to document these chevrons, and it’s not like there’s anyone on board to do it for me. Where is everyone?”

“Statis pods.”

“Oh,” Daniel shrugs. He is wearing a mottled white shirt and a loose tie, with his Air Force jacket tied around his waist. Eli rests a hand on his shoulder experimentally, and is shocked to find that Dr. Jackson is solid, real, flesh and bones and all.

“Dr. Jackson? Are you real?”

Daniel looks up from his drawings, and adjusts his glasses. “Eli, what do you think?”

Eli remembers seeing Jackson’s recording on his very first day at SGC, the eager way in which he leaned over the video recorder, moving his hands in excitement as he explained how the Gate worked. Eli had been dumbstruck, to say the least. It was revelatory to realise that not only was space-time travel possible, but that there was someone geekier than him out there.

“I dunno,” Eli concludes, “you’re probably a figment of my imagination. T.J said I was bound to get symptoms of isolation: talking to myself, spontaneous crying, haphazard lack of energy and general apathy. Something like that.”

“Right then,” Dr. Jackson doesn’t look up from his work, “we’re settled on that. Now, are you going to keep getting in my way, or actually help me?”

------

Eli falls asleep around midnight, sitting beside Dr. Jackson on the metal beams that hold the Gate upright, and by the time he wakes up he is alone again.

“I could’ve sworn he was real,” Eli says to Rush’s impassive face though the glass of the sleep chamber. “Man, I never thought I’d say this, but I wish you were awake right now. You’d probably tell me I was crazy or something.” He stands in silence, waiting for Rush’s reply. Nothing. On closer inspection, Eli realizes that Rush fell unconscious with a slight smirk on his face. Eli laughs, and goes to take a shower.

------

Sundays are always quiet on board the Destiny, more so now that Eli is the only conscious member of the crew. No one was exactly religious, but they all had a calm sort of respect for the day regardless. It was Camille who first declared that they ought to take Sundays off, and spend the time talking and eating, as opposed to crazily jumping headfirst through Gates. Eli had supported her on this, not least because Gate travel still freaked him out, never mind how cool it was. His mom was religious, and he missed the steady rituals of worship.
On this particular Sunday, he is eating tinned peaches on the observation deck, playing hide and seek with shooting stars.

Chloe comes up beside him and pats his arm companionably.

“I thought you might show up,” he says disinterestedly. Hallucinating about archaeologists he’s never met is one thing, but seeing Chloe like this gives him a pang of sadness. He really wants to talk to someone real.

“Does it matter if I’m real or not? I’m still here, talking to you.”

Eli considers this for a moment, watching the stars. “But the difference is, I still have to go check your vital signs, and worry if they start dropping. Big difference.” He’s sick of being solely responsible for everyone’s wellbeing; he isn’t a doctor and he certainly doesn’t know what to do if something happens. He’s been scanning T.J’s notes, but other than that he’s no more a doctor than he is an astrophysicist. Young assured him that the stasis pods are in top condition and that nothing could possibly go wrong, but Eli didn’t feel right unless he was worrying.

“I’ve just… had enough of being ‘the guy’, you know?” He says, quietly. Chloe moves closer and puts an arm on his shoulder, giving him her ‘go on, I’m listening’ look. “I can’t navigate this ship across countless galaxies. It should never have been me. I don’t even know why I’m here, Chloe, it’s all a big misunderstanding.”

“Some accident, huh?”

“All I did was hack Rush’s stupid video game. Anyone could’ve done it. It just happened to be me, and now I’m here in charge of everything. I can’t even cook, Chloe. My mom wouldn’t even let me have the house to myself over the weekend because she was worried I’d burn it down. And now look at me.” He sighs and looks down at his shirt, his stupid red shirt he bought for $5 because he thought it was clever.
“Yeah. Now look at you.” Chloe smiles at him.

He ignores her. As a hallucination, he’s almost certain she’d say whatever he wanted her to. He turns back to staring out at the stretch of stars in front of them, surrounded by Destiny’s hyperspeed glow.

He thinks of Dr. Jackson, who knows more than Eli could ever imagine, of Colonel Carter who could beat him in a game of trivial pursuit any day, and of McKay, who he had so badly wanted to meet before all this was over. Of Rush, who infuriated him beyond belief, but who he admired more than he’d ever let on. He looks up to them in much the same way that he looks up at the stars.

“Don’t you get it?” Says Chloe, effervescent with the tell-tale flicker of hallucination. “Eli, you’re not looking up at the stars now. You’re looking out at them. You can do this Eli; Young wouldn’t have left you in charge unless he was absolutely certain. He believes in you Eli.”

He is silent for a while. She’s probably right. “Yeah.”

“Hey,” she pokes him so that he is forced to look at her, “I believe in you. And I’m a genetically-altered space genius, so I ought to know.”

For a moment she is so distinctly Chloe, the inflection of her phrase and the silly way in which she raises one eyebrow to coax a smile from him, that he forgets she isn’t real and hugs her. She disappears in his arms, and, like an ultraviolet after-image behind his eyes, he swears he can still feel her. He collapses over the handrail.

------

By the time he feels ok enough to return to wandering around the ship, Dr. Jackson is back. Eli finds him in the Gateroom fussing over the chevrons again.

Eli smiles. “You know, this ship is on an FTL flight straight through countless galaxies, there’s no way I can believe you’d just physically appear on board.”

“So I’m not real?”

“That’s right.” Eli stands beside him and wonders for a second whether dropping the ship out of FTL, dialling the Gate and making a home on the other side is a viable course of action. Dr. Jackson would probably disapprove, not to mention Rush.

Eli sighs. He’s been alone for over a week now, food is running low and the ship is seemingly still light years away from its destination. He is tired, to say the least. He wants to drag his feet through the endless dim-lit corridors and collapse somewhere, preferably comfy and warm but this late in the game he isn’t too bothered, and sleep. He’s so exhausted that he’s almost certain he doesn’t need a stasis chamber to go into a three-year sleep.

But wouldn’t that be counterproductive? He’d volunteered for this duty because, well, because he was almost certain there wasn’t anyone else on board capable of it. Rush was Rush, indomitable and unflappable, but even after all this time Young had still picked Eli, clapped him on the shoulder and left him in charge; a kid who played too many video games and cracked a code by pure chance. That had to mean something, right?

Daniel Jackson is shifting through his papers, huffing at Eli intermittently. “Are you going to help me, or what?”

Eli had forgotten he was there. Figuratively, of course. He laughs. Because this whole situation is entirely ridiculous; he could run out of food any day now, the air supply is trickling down to almost minimal, and yet he is sat in the Gateroom with a man who isn’t even real. At least, not this far out in space.

“Doctor Jackson?” He asks, shyly. He feels like a kid at school, afraid to ask a question only to be laughed down. Daniel looks at him, hands him an armful of his papers and raises an eyebrow, which Eli takes to mean ‘go on’.

“Is it always like this? Gatetravel? Horrible and frightening and yet at the same time way more exciting than you ever thought it would be?”

“Definitely.”

Eli laughs. He moves to sit at the foot of the Gate and rests his head against the thick stone plinths while Dr. Jackson continues sighing over his papers. Eli feels tired, the kind of tired he never understood before all this; stranded-in-outer-space tired. His watch beeps angrily to tell him that it’s noon, which means he’s overdue for the sleep chambers’ daily check.

“Gotta get back to work,” he tells Daniel, who ignores him. He pushes himself up off the Gate and retrieves the logbook from his pocket, allowing himself a moment to think that, maybe, if he’s lucky, he might be able to pull this thing off.

“I can do this,” he says under his breath, more of a reassurance than a statement. “Probably.”

testing

2012-10-13T14:12:26Z

This text is big

This text is small

This is a blockquote

~~This is a strike~~

Dear Yuletide Writer

2012-10-06T13:08:50Z

DIS MO FO IS A PLACEHOLDER BECAUSE OF REASONS
Update: I forgot to write the Alexander section of my letter! Aaaah! I'm so sorry if this is the fandom we matched on, I'm such a mess lately that it completely slipped my mind. I've fixed it now, but honestly, any Alexander fic is brilliant, so I'm sure I'll love what you come up with :)

AO3 username: cirque.

Firstly, thank you for writing for me <3 chillax Yuletide writer, don't worry about the deadline or anything: I will love whatever you write. OK.

What I generally like in fic: character driven narrative, introspection, nostalgia, friendships (strong friendships), angst and h/c, humour, family (and friendship) bonding, as close to canon as possible.

What I dislike: fluff (ick), crazy AUs, character death (unless it's canon), mpreg, non-canon relationships, smut.

A note on triggers: I have no triggers! I love gore.

Fandoms
Resident Evil (movie 'verse):
I can't even write about how much I love RE without needing to stop and take a break to control my feels, OHMYGOD. In case you were anaware: I will love anything you write in this fandom, bar nothing. Do whatever you want with it; go crazy, as long as you enjoy writing it then I will love reading it. If you reeeeally want direction: my favourite character is Jill, I worship this woman I stg. I love Alice in equal amounts, I love her awesomeness and her killer survivor instinct. I love LJ, Carlos, and the rest of Claire's convoy. I love their relationships and the way in which they're determinded to keep humanity alive.

I would love Retribution-era fic, exploring the cloning experiments and the struggles Alice faces when she realises her friends are now her enemies. Becky is adorable. Ada is flawless. Rain is so badass. But Jill is my queen. But any-era fic is great, I have no preference.

In terms of shipping: I prefer gen fic, but Alice/Carlos are canon and therefore LOVE. I do not ship Alice/Claire or Alice/Chris; I prefer them as BFFs. I have this theory that Alice is asexual. Chris/Claire incest is ewww and I rue the day I stumbled upon it :S

In terms of the games: I have played them, and love them with all my heart, so don't be afraid to put references in, Ada/Leon, Chris/Jill (OTP!) etc.

Stargate Universe:
For SG:U, I really like gen fic. I don’t particularly ship anyone (ok, so Chloe/Matt are a given, and TJ/Young really interests me, but only insofar as her pregnancy and after effects of that), because I truly think gen fic works best for this show – the Destiny crew are just too awesome to whittle them down to pairings.
That being said, I really like TJ, all her little insecurities and her hidden strengths, and the pure fact that she’s not even a real doctor but she’s out there in space saving lives and not having a mental breakdown. Anything that focuses on TJ, or is written from her perspective, I will love. That being said, write it from anyone’s perspective, whoever you feel most comfortable with, because like I said: I love them all.
My weakness in fic is Novus timeline: I really liked those two episodes and I kind of believe that if those two episodes had been aired earlier then the show wouldn’t have been cancelled. But, anyway, OLD NEWS. I love the little hints of survivalism and security that you get from the Novus timeline, so anything set there would be great. FIRST CHRISMAS ON NOVUS: A DOCUMENTARY, AS FILMED BY ELI WALLACE? And Volker and Brody star as Santa’s elves, or something, idk.
That being said, happiness and family bonding aboard the Destiny is great too. I really just want to see a fic in which they are all happy together and finding various ways of coping with being away from their respective families.

Starship Troopers (1997):
I just love the M.I kids, and their crazy outlooks on life. I would love anything in this fandom as there is never enough fic. I ship Johnny/Dizzy with all my tragic-shipper heart, but I kind of prefer them as close to canon as possible. I love the dark comedy of this fandom, the fascism and the bugs and the way in which these kids go from being highschoolers to soldiers practically overnight.

Alexander Trilogy - Mary Renault:
I would truly love any fic in this fandom, any character, any rating, any plot. I adore Hephaestion, and Aristotle, and anything showing Aristotle teaching the boys at Pella would be uber cute. There's no part about Renault's stories that I dislike, so honestly: write what you love, and I will love it too :)

Finally

2012-09-29T19:49:03Z

So today I went to the cinema to see some nondescript movie or other, it wasn't important at all ;)

LOL, ok. Let’s start by saying that this ~review is going to be an emotional rollercoaster full of uncontrollable emotions. So, y’know, you have been warned. Also, I’m writing this review with two rats running around my bed, so: DISTRACTIONS. Any typos can be blamed on Jill and Starbuck, I’m sure.

Overall, I was impressed. It isn’t that difficult to impress me; they could’ve shown a still photo of a traffic jam for three hours, as long as it was a Raccoon City traffic jam, and I’d give it five stars. But yes, I liked the movie. If I was rating it beside the other movies, I’d put Apocalypse first, then Retribution. It was a pretty good movie, with solid positive points. I think people would enjoy it even if they aren't fans of the franchise. I'd give it 4/5.

In terms of general plot and actual straight forward narrative… lmao, when does Resident Evil do that properly? I think that people who haven’t played the games/at least read up on them would really struggle to understand this movie…. And even then, Retribution is a great big hot mess. I never really got the Las Plagas thing anyway. The whole escape-from-the-testing-facility plot was all over the place, I mean, why was the Red Queen trying to kill them in the first place? Who was Jill working for, who was the head honcho of Umbrella? So yeah, it was a mess, and it kind of bugged me, but then:

LEON

ADA

JILL

BARRY

Tears in my eyes, and yes I left the cinema crying, what of it? Perfect casting all round. I’m glad they kept the Leon/Ada romance in, because it’s really rare for big action movies like these to give romance stories to secondary characters, so that was nice, and Leon/Ada are as canon as it gets. Barry died (and the narrative didn’t exactly suffer from his loss) which kind of sucked a little but since when is Barry even relative to the plot anyway? His death was unnecessary, I don’t really see what he accomplished by staying behind while the others went on :S but, whatevs, Barry Burton has been a law unto himself since ‘96. I wish we had seen more of Carlos, it felt wrong that he died at the beginning of the film. And I wish LJ had come back :(

I also thought it was incredibly weird that this movie chose to just throw characters in the mix and then kill them off (Carlos, One, Barry). I didn’t see the point. There was all this hype about previous characters coming back, and it was supposed to be brilliant, but they were really… underused, IMO.. It was just… weird. But I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, Alice is such a driving force in the narrative that everybody else just seems… extraneous. Which is not necessarily a bad thing (Alice is awesome) but I wish the production team would make up their mind one way or the other. Out of the clones, I really liked Rain, and the contrast between her two versions, and I was pretty sad when she died. POOR RAIN :(

And let’s not talk about Leon and how he didn’t even get an introduction. But I don’t care about that because JIIIIIIIIILL. Jill is finally back in the movies, and even better is back on track in terms of canon. Everyone knows I love Jill, more than is sensible for a fictional character, and her mind-control is my favourite aspect of the game(s). I wasn’t exactly sure why or how she’d been captured (or even when) and why someone had placed the scarab on her chest (also, wtf, the scarab moved of its own accord??).

The 3D was very good, although it wasn’t as obvious as in other films. In places, it was quite easy to forget that I was watching a 3D film. In other places though, it was great, axe-throws and bullets and zombie chases, it was all high-end and very impressive. As always with RE tbh, everything was really well done and cinematic, which is great. Quite a few parts made me jump, which has never happened to me before with RE.

Anderson said he wanted to create a post-apocalyptic epic, and did he? I kind of think he did. There’s too much action and not enough character exposition to really call it an epic, but I truly got the sense that this movie meant something. I really felt for Alice when she saw her friends turned evil. Becky’s fear of abandonment really came through, you could sense that she just wanted her mother back, and I’m so glad that she survived the movie, because kids in zombie movies don’t have a good track record. Even though she’s a clone, Becky has all these memories of a real life. Luther, Leon, Barry and their little gang just exude survivalism, you want them to succeed, even though Wesker was previously a bad guy. There’s a lot going on in this movie and it’s all very urgent, but the overriding feeling is one of hope, and victory. There is a resistance; humanity isn’t totally destroyed. And Wesker has moved into the White House, naturally.

Things I would like to see in the 6th movie:

- The BSAA (pleaaaase! – that ending got me really hyped with the White House and Wesker’s soldiers, I really thought the BSAA were involved)
- Closure on Angela Ashford (but, um, I’m pretty sure she’s dead)
- What the heck happened to the rest of Claire’s convoy?!?!?
- I’m pretty sure Claire is going to get stuck looking after Becky. First Sherry, then Rani, then an entire convoy that seems to be 80% kids. DIAL 0800 FOR CLAIRE’S BABYSITTING SERVICE.
- MOAR LEON.
- MOAR Rain clones.
- Alice just needs to take Becky and go live in Jamaica or somewhere and have a happy ending, idk.

Also I watched Damnation and I only have one thing to say:

LEON WORE JEANS.

And now I need to end this here because Jill has just jumped onto the floor and OMG she could be anywhere, I have to go search for her.

/emotions

PAR-TAY

2012-01-27T05:07:33Z

It’s only the smallest part of being awake (the dark is alive if you’re quiet enough)
And the sun isn’t cruel if his belly is full.
(Take hold of my bones, please, put them in the space between worlds).
Bizarre monomaniac. You’re drinking river-wine; you’re drunk on it.
(What’s holding the sky up? What’s inside my head?)

I'M FEELING WEIRD RN

So: anonymous commenting is on ip logging ~~whatever the hell it is~~ is off; tell me things. Ask me things. Leave hilariously inappropriate pictures/stories. RANT. Write me poetry. Go capslock crazy. SPAMSPAMSPAM. Tell me your dreams, or tell me how much you hate me and my obnoxiously large sparkly text. Explain how politics work, or how anyone can stomach coffee. Ask me a favour. Tell me what time it is where you are. It's 5am here, and I've decided that sleep is for the weak. This is public so go make random strangers say crazy things here. Idk, I'm feeling weird.

PAR-TAY ON DOWN

☠ » these pirate bones are under lock & key bbs «

2011-12-10T19:24:28Z

F R I E N D S O N L Y

☒ always adding // ☐ not adding

xx

Basics: Writer & general artsy-type. University drop-out (temporarily). Diagnosed crazy, but cool about it. Always updating this entry. I like Resident Evil, plants, the X-Files, fruit, pretty colours, Hannibal Lecter, chocolate, Star Wars and my pet rats.

I currently live in the English countryside in a tiny little village, but spend a lot of my time in Wales. I'm hoping to go to university next year to study Anthropology and Ancient History, fingers crossed! I wear terribly faded navy Converse and has way too many coloured tights. I'm probably the easiest person to get along with, I love new people joining my f-list, so, yo ho, welcome aboard, etc etc, drop me a comment with a little info about yourself inc. your name/general location/things we may have in common :)