Dr Riley Browne

I can't do it

pullmysteth — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:50:38 GMT

It's too nice to pull apart.

musebysentence | 69.2. Positive

pullmysteth — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:45:09 GMT

LINK: Yeah, unfortunately.

musebysentence | 67.3. Diagnosis

pullmysteth — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 05:26:10 GMT

LINK: They give me a reason not to give up this time, no matter how hard it feels.

For musebyrp

pullmysteth — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:41:52 GMT

LINK: Why does tequila or absinthe always seem like a good idea at the time?

musesandlyrics | 6.12. Star Trek II quote

pullmysteth — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 12:55:16 GMT

6.12. "How to deal with death is at least as important as how to deal with life."
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Co-written with asinthecity
[Follows THIS and THIS]

At the bar of a quiet little, cosy pub in a back street of Princeton, Riley had somewhat of a production line going in front of him. First there was his cell phone in case Harri called him back, then there was his stethoscope which he had absentmindedly left hanging around his throat when he left the hospital, then there was the peanut bowl which he had no appetite for touching, then there was a pint of beer followed by four shots containing different spirits ending in Absinthe for a heavy and hard hit that he decided he needed. At the end of it, his hand rested on the bar beside his twin sister's. He had been mostly silent since she picked him up from PPTH. Outwardly, the events of the night had well caught up with him. His face was pale and he had heavy dark smudges under his eyes that emphasised the way he was blinking slowly as he contemplated the yet untouched booze in front of him. He hadn't eaten since the evening before, so he could be about to enter interesting territory, but he couldn't find it in him to care. His lips were dry and his shoulders slumped, his curly hair unruly from the amount of times he had threaded his fingers through it over the night.

With a small exhalation, he cleared his throat and moved his hand to wrap his fingers around Tab's hand, giving it a small squeeze, reminding himself that he wasn't alone and he didn't need to be. With what happened just a few short hours before, the whole HIV thing had been shoved abruptly to the forefront of his mind. It always felt like he was back to square one, but was fighting not to quite get there because he knew how bad it had been. He had a wife and children now to think about. He couldn't fall off the wagon because they needed him, even if he felt like he was teetering on the edge of it. Dr Cuddy had requested a meeting with him after she had heard about some damage to equipment in the morgue. Riley had blankly and numbly told her what happened, not lying and not hedging any of it. She understood, and admitted to him that she probably would have expected him to react a lot worse. Then she congratulated him on keeping his head and professionalism to do all he could for the patient, and to head the emergency with the duel-casualty car accident involving Nurse Preston. Riley had just watched her blankly, lacking emotion, and nodding when he needed to. Her praise went unheard considering the circumstances. At the end of the meeting, as she suggested he take the rest of his paternity leave without being on call and to see the staff counsellor for debrief, Riley requested extended leave on medical grounds. As he signed the forms, there was a disconcerting feeling that he really might not return to being a doctor again. It just made him feel sick inside. He never wanted to doubt his skills as a doctor, and ever since he got attacked, it had always been there. Maybe it really had been a mistake going back?

He could feel Tab's eyes on him, but he was quiet still for a few more moments. She didn't know. She just thought he was taking Pat and Aiden's accident really hard, and he was. It was just another thing to compound and he was so tired. He was still waiting to hear if Aiden was out of danger. Until he heard, there was no way to just assume he would be. "I... um... lost a patient last night," he finally told her through another long release of breath.

Tab nodded a little as she listened, her eyes still on her brother. She hadn't asked him anything, hadn't even really tried to talk to him since she picked him up. She'd chosen the pub from having been here a few weeks ago with Elliot. The two of them had gone on a mini-bender while Riley and Evie were expecting the twins, and Luke had been caught up with work. It had culminated in a noisy AC/DC jam session that may have gotten them into a little trouble with a sleep deprived and pregnant sister-in-law, but she'd made up for it since then with her supreme aunty skills.

She really did think Riley's funk had been to do with Aiden, and Pat, but now she wasn't so sure. He'd lost patients before but none of them had sent her brother into this much of a depression before. Maybe it was just the fact that it had been the same night his best friend had come into the hospital, but her twin senses were tingling, and she just wanted to know the deal. "I'm sorry, beanpole," she murmured.

"I'm not," Riley found falling out of his mouth before he could stop and he put a hand up to cover it for a few moments. But he soon let it drop back onto the bar heavily and picked up the first shot, throwing it back with ease. He didn't stop there, though. All four shots soon suffered the same fate, and he was waving down the barman for refills. The absinthe burned going down, stinging the back of his nose and causing him to cough a little and tear up from the strength of it. It was only just after lunch, probably way too early for heavy liquor, but the day had melted into the night and was repeated the process all over again. Riley didn't know what time it was, and he didn't care, either.

Tab blinked, frowning a little as she ignored her own shot. Since she was still the one driving, she couldn't afford to get pissed. Even sober she had still had an accident all those months ago. In fact, it had to be a least a year ago, or more, and so much had changed. She gripped Riley's hand tightly and tilted her head as she arched an eyebrow and made sure his shots weren't about to come back up, and all over the bar. "Why not?"

Riley rested his elbow on the bar and put his head in his hand. His palm was squished up against his nose at first, but he pushed it up, fingers once again scraping through the front of his hair. He peered at her from under his hand. "Because I hate him." It sounded even harsh to his ears as he said it. He never was sure in his life he was capable of hating anyone, and had tried not to let that emotion grow inside him. But it was true, the words were completely honest as the were verbalised. He gave a slight, humourless laugh and put his face into his hands, fighting the urge to pick up one of the glasses and throw it at the wall. "A fucking waste... it's all been for nothing."

Tab's eyebrows went up as a shudder ran down her spine and she tried not to outwardly react to it. She'd never heard her brother talk like this about anyone, not since... Something clicked, and her lips curled back in a fierce sneer as she all but growled. "It was him, wasn't it? It was that fucking HIV-riddled shit bag! The bastard that pricked you... Fuck. If he hadn't died, I would have fucking killed him myself."

The barman was still busy, so Riley picked up his pint and took a long drink of it. Anything that was booze would be fine. Strangely now, the whole event was a haze, like it had been some bad dream. He couldn't remember all the finer details, or exactly what he had done. But what if he hadn't deliberately done enough? The tox report aside, the guy was a hardened drug addict, this couldn't have been the first time he took a hit of meth like that, right? Maybe Riley really did kill him? The thought sent a cold shiver through him and his skin pricked with goosebumps. Was it really possible to subsconciously kill someone? Could he even be capable of that? By the time he even got to the patient, he was tired following the heavy resus with Aiden. At one point, Riley had actually been close to knelt over Pat's husband keeping his heart pumping until it became evident he would need a trachy. After that, had he just lost his compassion for the drug addict? Was it even possible to feel compassion for someone who gave you a death sentence? "He OD'ed. The time in jail, the rehab... all that fucking bullshit," he spat, "what was supposed to be punishment for what he did to me. For fucking nothing!"

Tab huffed out a breath as she tried to get her own anger under control. She could feel Riley's radiating out from him, her own blood starting to boil in response. She finally glanced down at her shot of tequila and knocked it back in one go. She was tempted to call Luke now to tell him she wasn't going to drive home because she wanted to get just as wiped as her brother. But she didn't. She just waited until the barman could take their orders so she could get a Coke. "You think it's nothing because he came in after an overdose, or because he's dead and now there's nothing to show for it? Riley, I hate to be Devil's Advocate, but he was a drug addict. How many of them actually stay clean after being down so low for so long? As far as I'm concerned he should have died in the first place. At least now he won't have a chance to fuck anyone else over. And he is dead... It's a pretty major punishment as far as things go."

Riley was almost shaking as he tried to fight off the anger. His hands were tremoring, so he just wrapped them both about the glass of beer. He had to bite down on the inside of his lip to try and stop himself just exploding irrationally. Tab wasn't the one to be angry at, she did nothing wrong, she had copped his misdirected anger far too much in the past, and this was what he hated about the whole fucking horrible scenario. He soon, ironically, tasted blood from the intensity of the bite, and cursed under his breath, picking up a napkin to hold it against his lip. He waved his hand a little at his twin. "Don't share any of my glasses," he mumbled, pulling his own production line closer to him so she didn't pick any up by mistake. He checked the napkin, finding bright blood there and he just shook his head. "I just... I-I needed some fucking hope that this was just for some purpose. To get him locked up, rehab, maybe turn his life around. I could cope as long as I thought there was a chance he'd clean up, not risk anyone else. Not that he can risk anyone else dead," he said with a small, wry snort. Before he realised what was happening, tears were trickling down his cheeks, but he just let them come. "B-But he was there, lying in front of me arresting and I... didn't want to save him. I was scared to even touch him, but there was no one else. And I just... I... I don't know if I did enough to save him. I don't think I wanted to. Maybe I'm a murderer... no better than him at all. Right now I just hate myself. I never, ever wanted to hate a patient so much I didn't care, but I did, and being a doctor just... what's the point?" he finally ended with a harsh bite to his words.

Tab's anger shifted, and she felt a sudden surge of sadness as she watched Riley, tears building up in her own eyes. She blinked, and they spilled over down her cheeks. She didn't care, she also made sure to take note of which glasses were Riley's. She wasn't going to ignore his order when it came to risking his HIV. She knew he was beyond cautious about that. He was always scared of hurting someone, even if she was sure Evie had taken it in and just acted like half the stuff was second nature to her. She watched her brother, and his wife, and just knew he really was in good hands. Just right now he was back in hers, and she rubbed her hand against his back as she rest her head on his shoulder to try and comfort him. Not that there was much comfort to give right then. Tab was internally floundering with what to tell him. She wad glad the needle prick was dead, that he wouldn't be an issue in their lives any more, but she also understood what Riley was saying. What was the point if the jerk couldn't even get clean? "You'll always be better than him, beanpole. Always. Look at what you've managed to do. You got married, you had fucking twins! Two beautiful kids despite everything. You were happy in your job, you weren't letting the HIV get the best of you. You were rising above it. Don't let him pull it all undone again, okay? Just don't. I know it sucks, and I know your head's going to keep playing tricks on you for a while, but just... You would have done your best. I know you, Riley. Being a doctor's the only thing you've ever wanted to be, and even with a massive dick splash like him on your table, you would have done anything in your power to save him. It only seems like you haven't because you're wondering what it was all for just to have him wind up dead in front of you." Tab took a breath, and glanced up at him from under her fringe. "How many people have you saved? How many lives have you changed for the better? How many babies have you just brought into the world? There's plenty of point."

Riley came to rest his forehead in his hands again. He sat like that for a long while, quiet, not even really sure he could find more words. "I'm just... so tired." He didn't know how else to explain it. It wasn't lack of sleep, it was that exhausting weight he had managed to shrug off in the past few months. But now it was back. "Angry," he had to add, feeling it still bubbling under the surface. At least he wasn't trying to bottle it all up, though. He had an awareness somewhere that this time, he went to Tab for help, even if there wasn't a specific way she could help but just be with him. The first time, it ended in disaster and for a split second, he had wanted to take his own life. Still had the scars to tell the tale. "I don't feel like I can cope right now. It's just brought it all to the forefront. That ticking stop watch on my life... the pills... the sickness... the fucking condoms..." His hand gripped tightly around the napkin, his knuckles turning white.

Tab shifted, practically kneeling on top of her stool so she was more level with her brother as she enveloped him in a hug, her head resting on his back as she held him tightly. She pulled her mouth to the side as she tried to think of something that would stop her from crying, but her heart was breaking for her twin, a sudden exhaustion threatening to drag her down with him. She and Riley had never had the same level of twin ESP that the Prestons did, or other identical twins, but they had definitely always been connected. And when emotions were heightened there was no denying that they seemed to pick up easily on each other's moods. "You don't always need to cope..." she murmured so only he could hear. "You got me, you got Evie... you got a whole family now to take the weight. I know it's hard, I know it's wearing you thin, but we need you to keep taking those pills because I'd rather you alive than dead. You just need to find something inside to give you the strength to keep going, but it's okay to just need to... slow down. Just don't stop, okay? Never stop..." Her own mind went to when Riley had tried to take his own life in a moment of desperation, and she'd be lying if she didn't admit she was scared the same thing could happen again.

Riley couldn't help it. He just gave into it all and started to cry. At least it seemed to release some of that coiled tension inside him. His arms hugged around Tab's as he just accepted the hug. He needed it probably more than anything right then. He was thankful now that they didn't choose The Bondi to get drunk at. He didn't care about the odd random loner or the friendly looking barman seeing him lose it, but Luke's bar would just have made him feel more exposed and more like he wanted to hide. This had turned into one of those days where he just couldn't easily accept he was Positive. It was like some bad dream he was watching play out in a movie, how could it possibly be his life? He knew some days were bad, the days where the infection took it's toll and made him ill, gave him a fever, brought him down. But even recently with his support group, he had been able to cope with that and let the HIV sit in the back of his mind, not right at the front where it ruled him. Now it was the opposite. He felt like it was a ball and chain shackled around his feet making it hard to cope with anything. "How am I going to do any of this? Evie doesn't need this. She doesn't. It was supposed to be both of us doing this, but I... I can't. I can't face it. I know I got back up before, but what if I can't do it again? I don't know if I have the energy anymore."

"She needs you, beanpole. Just you. Haven't you even worked that out yet? Has she ever once said she couldn't handle this? Couldn't handle you, HIV and all? If she wanted to run, she had her chance when you got the test results back." Tab kept a hold of her brother, closing her eyes against the tears she knew were there. "She's stayed through all of it. She's helped through all of it, and hasn't complained once. She loves you, Riley. She loves you more than I thought any woman could, and she's more than deserving of being your wife, and the mother to your kids. She's your One. Then get her to life you up. Ask her... Let her know you need it. Or I'll bloody give you a shove up the arse myself. You're a Dad. A fucking father. You got those gorgeous twins to think about. Cat'll more than scream if her Dad's not around. She's already starting to be Daddy's Little Girl."

"I know... I know..." Riley said quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper as he tried to sniffle and pushed away the tears with the palm of his hand. They just kept coming, though. He was running on empty and no sleep. It was taking it's toll. "And I wish I could just use that to shove all the shit away and say hey, shit happens. But I can't. I'm trying, but it's taking more effort trying to tap into those feelings than it is to try and stop myself smashing someone in the face right now. I know all of that, and it's not lost on me. It's just not going to erase the bad shit, it's not going to make me well. I feel like it's swallowing me up and I don't know how to fight it. It's like I'm right back there at square one and I just... don't know how to fix it. I want to turn it off, and be able to head home and act like none of it even bothers me, but I'm not that strong. I need help," he admitted through a small gasp. It was a shock for him to admit that. He never managed to admit it when he first got the diagnosis, so at least there was some small plus here.

Tab pulled back enough to look at his face, and brushed her fingers through her brother's hair before kissing his forehead. "Then we'll get you help, big bro. We'll get you anything you need. Including more drinks, and you know what? It's okay to go home when things aren't all sunshiney. It's okay to go home without the puppies, and rainbows, and fluffy bunny bullshit. No one expects you to just act like a fucking Stepford Riley. They expect you to just be... you. However you feel. It's okay to drown sometimes, just so long as you let someone to stick you on a floaty to keep you going until you're strong enough to tread water again. It's okay to be angry, and sad, and tired. It's okay, Riley..."

Riley had to laugh, even if it just came out sounding more like a congested cough than anything else. He needed a smoke, and he was already fishing around in the pocket of his jacket to find his pack. "I've got weird images of you trying to wrestle me into floaties now. It's not pretty," he decided with a hint of a smirk. His eyes and cheeks were still damp, and he still felt like he got hit by the Shit Bus, but if he didn't chill just a little he was going to explode and he didn't want to land in hospital with a breakdown or worse. The last thing he wanted to deal with was another psych examination. He'd rather stick to the psychologist he knew... hell, he might even offload to Lachlan. They might be good mates, but at least he knew where he stood with him. His hands were shaking, but he managed to light up the smoke, putting it to his lips and hoping the nicotine would do what it was supposed to do. "I feel like I'm letting her down."

Tab huffed out a breath as she grinned, unable to deny her mental imagery was just as amusing to her. She ruffled her brother's unruly curls affectionately, and kissed his temple. "I can't help it if you'd be massively uncoordinated, and give me no help at all." She fell quiet again, and when the barman finally came over she ordered for them both, still managing to order a Coke for herself, and not something stronger, even if she did want it. Riley's smoking had never bothered her, so she didn't move away when he lit up. "How?"

Riley picked up the fresh shot of something clear. It could be tequila or vodka, but he really didn't care either way. He kept the cigarette balanced between his shaking fingers as he threw the shot back, squeezing his eyes shut. Tequila, and it was burning going down. The burn was good, though. Reminded him that he wasn't the one lying on a cold slab in the morgue. He could feel a deep worry in his gut settle about Pat and Aiden too now that the booze was kicking in. There was a chance Aiden might not recover. He could have post-surgery complications. That was the downside to being a doctor and treating someone you knew and loved, part of your family. You knew the good, the bad, and the ugly of the prognosis. He hadn't heard anything of how the surgery went, but the surgeons were dabbling with an extremely sensitive part of the body. One wrong move, and Aiden's spinal cord could be damaged, his vocal cords, the nerves leading to all his senses. If the glass cut any higher, it would have hit the carotid artery and Aiden would have bled to death before Pat even regained consciousness to save him. Pat would have known that, and to be trapped in a car with your husband almost bleeding to death... Riley just couldn't even fathom. This whole ordeal could be so taxing on Pat, it could fuck with his MS, maybe even causing permanent damage. It was only a matter of waiting on the outcome. Riley was hoping Aiden's surgery would be a success and with plastic surgery to repair what would normally be horrific scars on his throat, he would walk away with barely a scratch once he healed. "We're supposed to be in this together. I promised her we would be when we got married, when we agreed to the IVF, when we realised we were having twins. I told her I would be there for her no matter what and we would do it all together, the whole way. Now I'm not even sure that once I go to bed, I'm gonna want to get up in the morning. I'm not gonna just check out of them, of course I'm not. But I... I don't want them affected by this."

Tab sat there and frowned, trying to come up with some kind of sisterly pearl of wisdom. She was hardly on expert on relationships. It had taken Luke to get her to realise they weren't all that bad, and she wasn't going to wake up in an exploded mess of guts if she did fall in love, and get married. In fact, she'd proposed to him. Part of her wished he was here just so she could ask him what to say. The other part was already planning on going home to him, and seeking comfort sex. She was missing him terribly right in that moment. "Riley, I know you promised, and that's okay... But how were you supposed to see this in your future? Evie will understand. All you ever really need to do is take one day at a time. And if you can't get out of bed tomorrow, you'll both deal with it somehow. It's not like she's alone, anyway. There's still me and Luke around when we can be. She might even need to call Emma and get her help. I know she and Josh will be at the hospital, but sometimes sisterly duties come first."

Riley sighed and shook his head. "Maybe once they know Aiden's okay, but with Cameron out of action and Isabel with her hands full with her twins, Pat could really use Josh and Emma's help. I can't get hold of Harri, I keep getting her voicemail. If anything happens to Aiden in that surgery..." He wet his lips, checking his phone again in case he had somehow miraculously missed it ringing right in front of him. The screen was blank, though. "I just wish she'd call. I was there, I know what happened, how he was when he was moved to surgery. I should be the one to tell her. But I don't have the energy to keep waiting for her to call back. I've asked Lachlan to talk to her if I can't. Better that than hearing it from a stranger." When he took the shots this time, it was slower. He could already feel the alcohol going to his head, making him feel woozy. "We... should probably head home. If I'm going to pass out, I don't want it to be on a bar or in a gutter. I just... I wanna go home."

Tab looped her arm around her brother's waist to support him, even if she was a lot smaller than him. She wouldn't let him fall over if she could help it. They were still sitting though, so she picked up her Coke with her free hand and worked on downing it in quickly. "She'll call. Once she hears that voicemail there's no way she wouldn't. Harri will probably work it out for herself, too. She's a smart cookie, and what other reason would you be calling? You know what they say about no news being good news... Alright, so no Josh and Emma. Looks like it's all on me and Luke. But then he should be at the hospital with Aiden... Shit, does he know?"

Riley did stumble a little when he got up off the bar stool, but it was more the exhaustion and being on his feet all night than the booze. He waved the barman down, pulling some notes out of his wallet and chucking them onto the bar. "Give me a couple of bottle of beers to go, dude," he requested tiredly, and then downed the last of his lined up shots. The cigarette was still hanging out the corner of his mouth, he wasn't ready to give that up yet. "Work what out? I didn't tell her anything. I just told her to call me because it was urgent. I don't tell anyone anything on voicemail. Never have, and never will. There could be loads of reasons I'm calling. I'm her doctor, I'm her kid's doctor, half her family is in Princeton. I don't know. Does he? I've only got one mouth, you know," he mumbled, collecting the beer bottles when they were brought over. He shoved one into the pocket of his jacket and kept the other one in his hand. He wasn't nearly drunk enough yet.

Tab waved her thanks to the barman as she kept a hold of Riley. If her twin brother was getting drunk, then she definitely wasn't letting go. Thankfully the car wasn't too far away, so it wasn't like they had to do a lot of walking. "Yeah, but come on... Her main family is Aiden. They're like brother and sister. Or sister and sister. But see? You are all those things. Who else is Harri going to trust if you just stop being her doctor, and her kid's doctor. She doesn't seem like she trusts very easily and she trusted you... even knowing the HIV thing. I don't know, I only just found out from you online! I called Luke, but got his voicemail, and when I called the bar some dude I didn't know picked up and rambled on about Luke being busy before just hanging up on me without taking a fucking message. Wanker." Tab couldn't help but start to laugh. "I don't know, I've heard your other mouth speak. It can be pretty fucking loud after you've had eggs."

Riley winced slightly at the HIV disclaimer. So nice to have a patient trust him despite it. Not many people at the hospital actually knew he had it. Some tried to deduce it, considering he returned to PPTH after his long term absence sporting a MedicAlert bracelet, but it was only his superiors who knew. Part of him wondered if he could trust some of the more devious gossips not to belt him over the head and knock him out to have a reason to look at the bracelet. "Could've been about Cameron. They used to fuck, did fuck when Harri was pregnant. His arse should be the only fucking one in a hospital bed right now. I'm all for twin closeness and sibling rivalry, but Pat's taking it a bit far..." he joked and then gave a small snort when there was absolutely no humour behind it and he just stood there for a moment, putting a hand over his face to try and maintain the little composure he was hanging onto. "You should call him... go see him... something. I'll get a cab home. He's one of Aiden's closest friends, he should know. And for the record, I don't make a habit of farting on friends or family of my patients either."

"Just twin sisters that don't really deserve the biological hazard known as your arse all over them," Tab replied with a small smirk. She rubbed her hand against Riley's back. "No, it's okay. I'll drop you home then go find him. I just want to make sure you get in okay. Maybe even just give Evie a little bit of warning. She'll be waking up to three babies when your hangover kicks in. C'mon, beanpole, I said I'd look after you. Luke's still got at least another hour of his shift, and it doesn't take us that long to get home. You're right though, it could have been a call about Cameron, but I don't think so. Still can't believe they fucked while she was pregnant, but given how Evie kept wanting your arse while she was knocked up, I'm not that surprised."

"You chose to share a womb with me, you get to put up with the good, the bad, and the ugly," Riley returned, looking over at the door and wondering how he was even going to have the energy to walk there. He drew in a breath, trying to pull his shoulders back, but they seemed set on remaining slumped. No thinking, just one foot in front of the other and he'd eventually make it to the car. "I'll talk to her... try to talk to her... it's getting hazy already. I feel like I could sleep for a month. I don't think Cameron felt so smart about it when he was done. It was weird for him, knowing it was James' kid in there after everything that went down. He's taken it in his stride, though. I think he's going to be a good father. As much as I hate to say this, I'm so glad she's not still pregnant right now. I don't even want to think about sex."

"I didn't choose! I got no say in the womb sharing, beanpole. You crashed in on my womb. I would have been all happy without you in there." For a moment she smiled, but then it faltered and she shook her head. "No, I wouldn't have been. I'd be lost without my big brother, farts and all. That's why you can't leave me. You don't get to check out on me. You can sleep, just so long as you wake up again. I'm sure Evie will listen whenever you're ready to talk. She's pretty good like that. It would be super weird! I couldn't do it... I mean, I know sometimes people just wind up single and pregnant, or whatever, but shagging the ex of the ex that your ex slept with? No way." Tab looked at her brother with a slight smirk as she patted his arm. "I don't think she does either, just so you don't feel so bad."

Riley could feel that sick, weak feeling set in and he closed his eyes briefly, letting out a slow breath. "Well, I'm glad I crashed in on it, because I can't do this on my own, squirt. I just can't," he mumbled, his hand finding hers with a tight grip like he never wanted to let go.

Word Count | 5,920

musebysentence | 65.4. Crash and Burn

pullmysteth — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 11:43:42 GMT

LINK: Just when things were going good for once...

just_muse_me | 28.5.3. A moment of heightened emotions

pullmysteth — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 09:29:21 GMT

28.5.3. A moment of heightened emotions

[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS]

The last place Riley expected to end the horrible night was the morgue.

Something had told him earlier in the afternoon when his boss called him that he shouldn't take the nightshift. He just had this niggle in his gut that he should stay home, stay with Evie and the kids. Thinking of them as 'Evie and the kids' even still had him breaking into a goofy grin whenever he said it. He didn't feel ready to go back to work after their birth yet. He had been on paternity leave since then, and at the time, he had made the stupid, yet chivalrous, error of telling his boss to she could call him in for a shift if found herself really hard-up and short-staffed while he was off. Up to yesterday, he hadn't had a single call of that sort and he had gotten used to it. But she was short-staffed, and he agreed to go in for a single nightshift, even though he wasn't due back at work until the second week in April.

Now he wished he had never answered the phone.

The morgue was expectedly cold, and Riley stood there beside the stainless steel table looking down at the body lying there. His scrubs were streaked with blood. Aiden's blood. That was probably the number one reason why Riley was now standing here numbly, unsure of where his head was supposed to even be right now. It could have been Aiden, it really could have. But it wasn't, and Riley was relieved for that. If he was going to lose one patient that night, he probably would have handed over his own heart to save Pat's husband. Things were still touch and go on that front. Aiden was on life support because he had lost a lot of blood before he got pulled from the wreckage, but he was still alive. He wasn't lying on a slab in the morgue.

No. No, that was Riley's other patient. The one he couldn't save. Maybe the one he subconsciously didn't want to live...

He put a hand over his face as his breath hitched in a small gasp. He still couldn't believe how it had all gone down that night. One minute, there was a lull, and the most serious ailment Riley was dealing with was a four year old child following an epileptic fit. She was recovering, about to me moved to the kids' ward for monitoring. Then things just exploded and the 'shit hitting the fan' wasn't even an emphatic enough metaphor. With a horrible chill falling in his gut, Riley realised the first casualty from the smash out on the freeway was Aiden. But he kept his composure, managing to head the resus with confidence and determination. Pat was brought in next, but he wasn't in as serious condition as Aiden, so he was triaged by the new resident, put on more oxygen, painkillers, and then sedated. By the time the colourful nurse had realised he was in the ER and no one was telling him anything about his husband, he became hysterical and there was no choice but to give him sedatives. Without them, he could have set his MS into overdrive, and that was the last thing anyone wanted. In the interim, something like that might not seem so serious, but it could have devastating long-term affects for Pat. Any bad attack, he might not fully recover from. The trauma surgical team was paged, and Aiden was whisked away to the OR for them to repair the severe gash in his throat, and hopefully manage to stop him bleeding out further.

But before Aiden was even moved from the resus bay in the ER, another ambulance came in and Riley was thrust into yet another resuscitation. An overdose. By a drug-addicted patient. Definitely not the first overdose Riley had ever dealt with, nor was it the first cardiac arrest. Not by any means. He just never, in a million years, would have been able to prepare himself for the realisation that the arresting patient wasn't an unfamiliar face. It wasn't just another overdose.

It was the patient that had destroyed Riley's life.

Before Riley had a chance to regain his composure after stabilising Aiden to be rushed to surgery, Aiden's blood even still smeared on his latex gloves, he came face-to-face with the patient who had attacked him, stabbed him in the throat with a contaminated needle. Infected him.

Left him with HIV.

Riley had balked. Of course he had. He was supposed to save this guy's life? When the fucking bastard stole everything away from him, all in the name of getting drugs? Drugs that had now laid him on a gurney half-dead in arrest after an overdose? It felt to Riley for a few brief moments that it was almost impossible for him to function and he was barely even hearing to the roaring chaos around him. He just stared at the guy's face for what felt like hours, but it was really only a few seconds that ticked by. Nurse Petrelli had grabbed his arm, giving him a firm shake and asking frantically if he was okay. Somehow, it snapped Riley out of his shock, and somewhere deep inside, he let the doctor inside him purely take over. He did all he could, he did his best. But the patient died of a heart attack. And who wouldn't, with the amount of meth found in his system, right? The tox report returned an unconscionable amount of the substance in the patient's blood stream. He couldn't have been saved.

Right?

As soon as the heart monitor flatlined and that monotone beep filled the room, Riley had stepped back, barely managing to call the time of death before the panic attack kicked in. The adrenaline came to a crashing halt and it suddenly became extremely difficult to breathe. He had to get out before the place crushed him. The staff bathroom had afforded just a tiny bit of a haven for him, but he still couldn't breathe. Again, it was Nurse Petrelli that seemed to have his back, showing up with a paper bag for Riley to breathe into and sitting with him to make sure he wasn't about to have a heart attack. Riley offered no explanation beyond 'I gotta get out of here' and then left when he was capable of being on his feet longer than two seconds. He knew now that he would have to thank the guy, offer some sort of further explanation so he didn't think Riley was a mental case.

It was hours later, now, and Riley just knew he had to see with his own eyes that the patient was dead. It couldn't just be a horrible bad dream or his mind playing tricks on him again. The guy who had almost ruined him really was lying here before him. Dead. The was the result that came from Riley ending up with a lifelong illness that would one day kill him? The guy had been put in prison, into rehab, apparently, but got let out and went straight back onto the drugs. He hadn't cleaned up. Riley had paid an horrific price for what?

For absolutely fuck all. His wife had to go through the pain of IVF to fall pregnant by her Positive husband. His kids had to grow up with a Positive father. And this fucking bastard hadn't even been able to clean up, and make the whole ordeal worth it, on some level. Had Riley really done everything he could to save the guy? Had he, subconsciously deep down in side, wanted the guy to die?

A sudden and burning anger surged up in him and he roughly seized the instrument trolley, throwing it furiously against the steel draws and causing a sickening metallic crash. His heart was racing and his skin felt like it was on fire as his breath came out in small pants. He was just so angry. At this time of night, there were no pathologists around. Not for a few more hours, at least. Riley's heart was the only one beating in the morgue at that moment, and it was thumping so hard in his chest it felt like it was going to break through his ribcage. And he hated himself right then, hated himself so deeply because he just knew underneath it all that he didn't care. He didn't care that his patient had died.

And that wasn't the sort of doctor he ever wanted to become.

All muses referenced here with permission

Word Count | 1,436

For musebyrp

pullmysteth — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:13:27 GMT

LINK: We all have regrets, it's just harder to swallow when they're things that were completely out of your control. People still look at me stupid when I say I feel guilty about it, too. But no one ever said the human psych was a rational thing. In fact, it just downright bloody sucks some days.

musebysentence | 61.10. Unforgettable

pullmysteth — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:07:50 GMT

LINK: Easy to remember to always take the pills when you know it will kill you if you don't.

musebysentence | 32.3. Random

pullmysteth — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:59:22 GMT

LINK: I think daytime TV was invented to punish wokers for taking sickies.

A meme telling me I'm psycho. Charming.

pullmysteth — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:31:28 GMT

You Are Psycho

You think there's nothing scarier than the anticipation of something horrifying happening. It drives you insane to be in suspense.

You prefer scary movies that build up your fear and resist overwhelming you with scene after scene of gore. You like some thought being put into scaring you.

You find the idea of being totally vulnerable to a deranged killer to be incredibly frightening. You're the type of person who dreads being alone.

And yet you find deranged killers to also be quite fascinating, psychologically speaking. You can't help but be drawn to what terrifies you.

What Scary Movie Are You?

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

musebysentence | 16.6. Brother and Sister

pullmysteth — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 09:43:19 GMT

LINK: They might not be identical, but she was still his other half.

I object!

pullmysteth — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 10:10:30 GMT

You Are a Natural Flirt

You are a true people person, and you find it easy to relate to others.

So when you're into someone, you can't help but broadcast it.

For you, complementing, smiling, and touching is second nature. You like making people feel good.

In fact, you may be accused of flirting when all you're doing is being friendly. Sometimes you accidentally send out the wrong signals.

Are You a Natural Flirt?

Blogthings: We'll Tell You The Truth... Someone Has To!

Whatever the hell it means

pullmysteth — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:35:22 GMT

You Are 65% Passionate, 35% Compassionate

You are very passionate, especially when it comes to love.

In fact, it's sometimes difficult for you to tell between love and lust.

You jump in head first, and figure things out later... usually when it's all over!

Is Your Love Style Passionate or Compassionate?

just_1_word | 37.8. Reveal

pullmysteth — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:01:38 GMT

37.8. Reveal

Co-written with isabelowens & cameronpreston
[Follows THIS, THIS and THIS, but before THIS]

Isabel tried not to look too worried as she lay back on the exam bed in nothing but one of the flimsy hospital gowns. She'd never had a problem with her body, but she was about to get unequivocal proof that she was pregnant, and that scared her. It scared her more than it should. Things were still a muddle in her head even after talking to James. She still, on some level, wished he'd agreed to 'closure'. She was a bad, bad person. She had this fantastic footballer, and she still wanted to be with her ex.

Her green eyes were squeezed shut momentarily and she let out a slow breath. Didn't help matters that she was busting for a pee, and thinking incredibly wrong, and horny thoughts. Her hand found Cameron's, and she linked her fingers with his just to give her something real to hang onto. If she stayed lost in her thoughts for too long, she'd probably miss the whole thing. "Thanks for arranging this," she told him quietly.

"It's alright," Cameron said quietly, eyes on the door as he waited for Riley to arrive. "It's Riley you should thank." By this time, a distant feeling from Izzy was setting in a little. He knew he had been the one to raise the whole issue of her ex and her feelings for him, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt a little. He laid a lot on the line to even try for a relationship, and now he had confirmation of what he had suspected from day one - he was sharing her. It sat funny in his stomach, but then, he had hardly eaten over the last few days, so maybe his insides were just all off. He had been outside with Lachlan and Aiden when he gave Riley a call on his cell to ask about the ultrasound. Not in front of Aiden and Lachlan, of course, even if he had nearly spilled the beans to Lachlan a little earlier. He thought Yodalan maybe connected the dots in his head, too, but he politely didn't push for any further info. Riley agreed to do the ultrasound on his lunch break, so Cameron left Aiden in Lachlan's capable hands. Pat's husband wasn't feeling well and Lachlan managed to convince him to stay outside for a little bit more fresh air and a cup of tea while Cameron politely excused himself to come here. He should be over the moon about the pregnancy, right? Now he just felt like it was kind of tainted. But then, that was just how life seemed to go of late.

Izzy lifted her gaze to Cameron's face as she gave his hand a squeeze. "You need to know I don't regret anything. You're not filling a spot, either. You have your own spot. Your own hole you've made. You understand that, don't you?" Izzy couldn't help it, she was sure she needed to clarify it. Things just seemed weird now. It was like admitting to the truth had shaken up whatever normality any of them had found. She hated it, but at least it was out there. Things were probably going to get worse before they got better. She just hoped that didn't apply to his brother. "How's Aiden?"

"Yeah, not everyone has a, uh, hole right next to another bloke," Cameron answered and cleared his throat. He appreciated her trying to clarify, but he got the situation. That wasn't at question at all. Nothing was at question really. There was just what was and how they all had to deal with it. "He's as okay as he can be, I suppose. Keeps saying he feels sick. I don't blame the poor bastard at all, really. He's glad Harri's here even if he feels he's straining on her being pregnant."

Iz pressed her lips together, and tried not to say something about not everyone had their dead husband coming back from the dead, either. She was probably using that as too much of an excuse anyway. James had a hole, and Cameron had a hole. It was that simple. Izzy just had to find out if her heart could keep harbouring them both, and for how long. "He's probably made himself sick with worry. Has he even been eating?"

Cameron was turning the Liverpool crest ring over and over on his finger. He was nervous, but something else was niggling under his skin. He just didn't know if it was his discontent or Pat's he was feeling. He shook his head. "No, he hasn't been eating at all. He can't stomach anything. We keep trying, but it sucks to think about food when you don't feel well." He sat back in the chair and rubbed at his arms to try and brush away the crawling feeling. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

Izzy shook her head. She was watching him with concern, and couldn't stop herself from pressing her hand to his forehead as she checked to see if he was burning up. "No, I'm okay. Don't really need anything. What about you?"

"I'm okay," Cameron told her and didn't have a chance to elaborate before Riley knocked and came into the dimmed room. "Hey, buddy," he greeted him. He still got awed seeing his friends done up like doctors. He always wanted to snigger when he saw them in scrubs with steths in hand. Riley had dark blue scrubs on with yellow 'Emergency Department' on the pocket, which had his steth shoved in it. "Sorry to crash your break."

Riley waved his hand. "It's no bother. Things are pretty quiet today anyway." He sat down on the stool with a smile at Izzy. "How are you holding up? Have you ever had an ultrasound before?" he asked her.

Isabel sucked in a breath as she shook her head. The nerves were back tenfold and for one crazy moment she considered just bolting regardless of the gown. If she didn't have the ultrasound, it wasn't technically true, right? No pictures, no baby. "I'm okay. Still in shock, I guess. I didn't find out until a few weeks in, so I'm guilty of smoking and drinking until recently. Kind of hoping I haven't given our kid two heads already."

Riley smiled. "Well, hey, if you have, they have a two-for-one sale on booties and bibs at Babies-R-Us this week," he joked and patted her hand briefly. "Just relax. I know that's easy for me to say, but it's going to be okay. If there is anything strange going on in there, we'll find it today. An ultrasound is just your first step at being a responsible parent. We had Andrew over the other day showcasing his bundle of joy. Cameron was telling me you're about on par with Ali in gestation." He brought up a screen and stood up to adjust the screen over Izzy's head so she could see. "Are all your details on there correct?"

Riley squeezed Cameron's shoulder before he sat back down, noting the look of horror on his face. "I was joking about the two heads, mate. You should relax too. You've watched RJ, been puked on by him. You're going to have one of your own," he told him with a smile.

Cameron swallowed. He did love RJ to bits, but he figured it was just because Lachlan was like a brother. "Yeah, sure..." he replied anxiously.

Iz glanced at Cameron, her eyebrows drawing together. She reached out to take his hand again, and held it close to her chest as she looked up at the screen and nodded. "Yeah, it's all correct. And I am close to Ali. Guess if I was going to do it with anyone, it'd be her. I can't imagine a better mom to follow footsteps in. She's amazing. She was the last I expected to have a kid, but she's just the best." Isabel was aware she was rambling a little, so she took another breath. "I'm usually more relaxed than this. I don't know why it's got me so on edge. Your wife's pregnant as well, isn't she? All these kids... wonder if they'll grow up close together. One giant family."

Riley smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we're expecting two," he confirmed and squeezed some of the blue gel onto the sonogram wand. He pulled the sheet up to her waist. "Do you want to just fold the gown up there for me? Just above your bellybutton is fine. It would be good if they can all grow up together. RJ and Mia are already bonding. I think it makes a lot of difference for their development to be around other kids. And it's okay to be nervous. This is a huge thing. One of the biggest you'll do in your life. I just know it's really hard right now, in general. I understand as well as anyone," he assured her.

Cameron linked his fingers with Izzy's but didn't say anything. He put his other hand up to rub his fingers over his mouth. He had told Riley because he needed his help, but still felt guilty Pat wasn't the first to know. They didn't know how long Pat was going to be out, though, and if Riley thought they needed this scan thing for the kid's health, then that's what they needed to do.

"Twins? Have your work cut out for you," Izzy said as she smiled. At least she was smiling until it was time for the gel and folding the gown up. She somehow managed to keep hold of Cameron's hand all the while, and kissed it as she tried not to squirm as the gel was put on. It was cold, and it just made her want to pee even more. "Think there's something in the water with everyone getting pregnant?"

Riley laughed. "Oh, maybe in New York. Evie and I were IVF, though. Planned right down to the purposeful wank," he said and smoothed gel over the area of her lower abdomen so he could get a clear picture on the screen. "I might have to use a bit of pressure in some places. I'm sorry in advance if it's uncomfortable. Have you seen an obstetician at all? Started taking vitamins for the pregnancy?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the screen as he moved the wand to find the image on the screen.

"Not really. Well, no." Iz bit her lip as she had this feeling like she was a naughty schoolgirl. "Ali's given me all the inside info on the vitamins though, so I've started doing that. Just haven't been to my OBGYN yet. There might have been a bit of denial playing a part in the first week, so I'm a bit behind the eight ball. Ali wouldn't let me get away it for too long, so I had to cave on the vitamins. Was the IVF a hard process?" Iz looked up at Cameron then at Riley as she smiled apologetically. "I"m sorry, I don't mind to quiz you. Just trying to keep my mind off going to the toilet."

Cameron was watching the screen, eyes wide. He realised he was expecting a picture of a baby to appear there, even if it was irrational. Why was it taking so long to find? "Why is it taking so long to find?" the words fell out following his thoughts. His voice was a little hoarse, so he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. He shot them both an apologetic look. He hadn't meant to sound so blunt.

Riley smiled. "Because I'm making sure her uterus is healthy first. Doctor stuff. Just bear with me for a little longer." He was taking some quick shots of what looked to be nothing but were just indicators that things were okay there. "The IVF was... well, it was extremely difficult and stressful. It wasn't just cut and dry. We had sperm sterilisation to see through first before we even faced the IVF. It was draining, but we were lucky to get some success at the end of our first attempt. We weren't sure we would have the energy for a second." He turned on the speakers to pick up the heartbeat as he began locating images of the foetus. But the sound that came through wasn't your common. In fact, it sounded like an echo and Riley's eyes shifted quickly from the screen to Cameron in realisation. "Oh, um..."

Izzy frowned, looking from the screen, to Riley, to Cameron. Why was Riley looking at Cameron like that? "What's wrong? Did I kill the baby?" She could hear a heartbeat though. Her baby's heartbeat. With an echo. Two heartbeats. "Oh. No, no fucking way. Are you serious?"

Riley pressed his lips together and turned back to the screen. After a few moments, he located the image he was looking for and paused the screen. He hesitated in saying anything at first. This could completely freak Cameron out the way he was already so on edge. "Identical twins," he confirmed, pointing up at the screen with his thumb and forefinger to show the two foetuses. "One gestational sac, but two babies, and two healthy heartbeats. One is slightly weaker than the other, but not uncommmon. Congratulations?" He looked at Cameron in concern. "Cam? You okay?"

Cameron sucked in a shallow breath, his lungs not allowing him the luxury of any more at that moment. His mouth dropped open and he stared at the screen, the only other thing his brain could manage was a small shake of his head in disbelief. Surely there was just a problem with the machine?

Iz had her eyes fixed on Cameron. She was waiting for him to pass out, or scream, or do something other than just sit there. At least then she could be sure of what she was feeling. Right now she was just in shock again. She was pregnant with identical twins. This was in no way normal. "Shit," she murmured. She couldn't believe it. Twins! Then again, considering Cameron himself was an idenitcal twin was it really so strange? She pushed her fingers through her hair and turned back to the screen to stare at it.

Cameron felt like he wanted to vomit. He actually couldn't be sure he wasn't going to. He fumbled to pick up his crutches. "I... I need air... or something." Booze, nicotine, hard drugs. All were a good option right now. If he could actually get his legs to work, and his mind to coordinate with them.

"Cameron," Riley began but his pager started to buzz where it was clipped to his pocket. He unclipped it, but reached his other hand to place it on Cameron's shoulder so he didn't collapse to the floor in his haste to get out. "Just hang on a minute, mate. We'll talk about this." He quickly read the message on the screen and it felt like ice trickled through his veins. "It's from Lachlan. Pat's awake. Cam, something's wrong."

Any colour Cameron had left in his face drained immediately. He looked at Riley, then at Izzy, before his eyes landed on the pager. "What?" he whispered.

Riley shook his head. "I don't know."

Izzy tried to sit up straight, and slid down. She grunted in frustration, and was already looking for something to clean her belly off with. "Take the picture of the you-know-whats so that Cameron can go. Please, Dr Browne. You both need to go, but just take the picture first and I can clean myself up." Izzy reached over to touch Cameron's face. "I'm sorry, Cameron. I'm so sorry. It'll be okay. Whatever's wrong, someone will fix it."

Cameron was near tears from panic. That's what he had been feeling. It was Pat. He was frozen, not sure what to do. He wanted to tell Izzy to come with him, but he couldn't get it out before scared tears were spilling over. It was a struggle on the crutches but he got to the door and out of the suddenly claustrophobic room. He just had to get to Pat before anything else was going to work in his mind.

Riley already had the images and he clipped his pager back. "I'll help you here first," he assured her, but it felt like his heart was somewhere up in his throat as he did. The only reason Lachlan didn't elaborate in the page would be one, it was too long to explain in a brief message, or two, he needed them there. The page had simply indicated Pat was awake, something was wrong, and Cameron needed to get there ASAP. "Shit," he cursed softly and looked at Izzy apologetically. "I'm sorry."

She gave a shake of her head. "Don't be, believe it or not, I do kind of get it. I got to see what happened when Cameron was injured. This group is pretty quick to look after its own. Cameron and Pat are connected, and their twins. It's understandable he wants to be with his brother. Makes me grateful that my... twins... will experience this. Thank you for making time for the ultrasound. I really appreciate it."

Riley let out a small breath. "Pat's really sick," he told her. "Really sick. The page was from Lachlan, he knows MS. He wouldn't have paged if it wasn't serious. I'm sorry this has happened, but Cameron's about to go through hell. Again. We probably all are," he added hoarsely. "You included. And I'm sorry for that. Welcome to the world of identical twins," he added with a sad smile.

"It's okay, I'm getting used to it. Nothing's ever going to be simple again. If it ever was," Izzy added with a wry smile. She couldn't hold anything against Pat. It wasn't his fault he was suffering. It wasn't anyone's. Just some sick genetic joke. Cameron had the genes, so maybe it was just as well she was getting the exposure now. If anything went wrong with him, she had to be prepared.

Something twisted in her gut, and she fought the urge to run. She had known from the beginning that Pat was sick. She had package deal with Cameron. It was him, his twin, the family, and the sickness all in one. She didn't get a choice. The question was though, did she want one?

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 3,067

musebysentence | 10.10. In sickness and in health

pullmysteth — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:47:50 GMT

LINK: Even just the thought of it should have scared her, she should have listened when he tried to push her away, but she dug her heels in and made him realise he never wanted to lose her.

musebysentence | 3.1. Sex

pullmysteth — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:49:56 GMT

LINK: It might not be able to be spontaneous anymore, but at least he can still get it up.

Yeah, and?

pullmysteth — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:43:59 GMT

Your Defense Mechanism is Isolation

When life gets to be too much to handle, you just withdraw. You rather not deal with things.

You tend to be a very isolated person. You want to connect to others, but you don't know where to start.

The problem with withdrawing from the world is that it's hard to reintegrate yourself when you're ready.

Instead of pulling back when you have problems, it would be better for you to reach out.

What's Your Defense Mechanism?

musebysentence | 8.3. Beginning

pullmysteth — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 21:50:21 GMT

LINK: The diagnosis really was like starting life all over again.

[LOCKED FROM LACHLAN]

pullmysteth — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 09:30:02 GMT

The Evil Scotman's got his bitch on. I suggest steering clear. Pulling the piss might lead to blood shed.

OI, TABITHA LONDON!

pullmysteth — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 07:41:38 GMT

I gotta go to New York. Wanna come?

muses_w_remotes | 13.3. Quantum of Solace quote

pullmysteth — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:45:19 GMT

13.3. “Take a deep breath, you only got one shot, make it count.”
| Quantum of Solace

Co-written with imnodoctor
[Before THIS]

Riley tapped his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel as they waited at some lights at a busy intersection. Driving in New York used to be second nature, but now after living so long in Edinburgh and then Princeton, it just did his head in a little. It wasn't really the traffic that was stressing him out, though. He was nervous and excited about the ultrasound. The IVF clinic told them to arrange for an ultrasound once Riley called them and told them about Evie's positive pregnancy test. Evie was going to have a check up after the scan so they could get all the business out of the way in New York while they were there. As it was, they were already killing two birds with one stone. It was the twins' birthday and a get-together with the bunch was arranged at Luke's bar for that night. Pat, Aiden and Cameron were already in New York, and Luke and Tab were keen to spend some time in the city now that everything was on schedule for the Princeton bar to open on time. So, it was a party at The Bondi, twin birthday style. But first, they had to get through the ultrasound without anyone wetting their pants.

Evie had to drink a lot of water in preparation for the scan, so Riley offered to do it with her as support. He really wished he had thought in advance how uncomfortable that would be. A male urinary tract was different to a females. He should have thought about that. To top it off, he had been having queasy mornings with Evie. Not to the point of throwing up, but he was definitely experiencing something with her. He had always been the sympathetic sort, though. He cleared his throat, trying to fight the urge for a smoke to take his mind off his stomach and his bladder. The only thing was, he wasn't allowed to smoke around Evie anymore.

Evie reached over to rest her hand on Riley's thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. Female urinary tract or not, she was about ready to wet her pants. Evie realised she'd maybe had too much water, and then factor in how she spent most of the morning on the cold tiled bathroom floor, and she was doomed to pee her pants and ruin the whole ultrasound. She sucked in a breath as she tried to think of things other than how much she needed to pee. And how scary this was. They were about to have their first ultrasound to confirm she was really pregnant. "So once this is over... we'll really know, won't we?"

"Know what?" Riley asked, glancing at her as his forehead creased a little. "We know, babe. See, the thing with pregnancy tests, they can be wrong in the negative, but very rarely wrong in the positive. Plus, you've had enough symptoms to know it's really happening. How are you with that, anyway? The symptoms?" It wasn't the first time he had asked her, not by any means. In fact, he was probably nearing the realms of overkill, but he worried about her. He had to try and shake the worry she was going to miscarry at every turn, too, or he would panic her and that could be stressful.

Evie screwed up her face as she stuck her tongue out. "I hate morning sickness, my breasts are tender, we haven't had sex in how long? And I'm horny as all fuck... that's how my symptoms are. And if I don't pee soon, I'll explode." She held her hand up. "Sorry, I'm just tired. That's the other thing, I can't really sleep at the moment, but I don't think you can either. Maybe I'm just picking up your restlessness."

"You'll still love me if I pee myself, won't you?" Riley asked with a slight, nervous laugh. He turned onto the street with the IVF clinic and then into the large multi-story carpark that charged a fortune to park in. He leaned out the window and took the ticket from the machine. "I know, and I'm sorry. I haven't slept very well since Scotland. I'll try to lie still. Or I'll get up. It's probably better if I get up and then you can sleep properly."

"What happened in Scotland?" Evie asked as she watched him. "And I don't like you being awake and restless while I'm sleeping away in ignorance. It's not fair. If you're there for me while I'm throwing up, I'll be there for you while you can't sleep. I just catch naps during the day. It's fine. And I will still love you, if you still love me because the second this thing is over, I'll be letting loose."

Riley laughed. "Me too. I'll be pissing like a friggen racehorse. This is worse than being on an IV." He found a free spot and pulled the car into it, fleetingly wondering if they should think about a new, more family-friendly car at some point. Tara's parents bought her and Lachlan a four wheel drive in anticipation of their new addition. He remembered Tara mentioning how easy it was to maneuver RJ's baby gear and buggy around with the extra space. "Nothing happened in Scotland. We just got the news of the pregnancy when we got back and I haven't really relaxed since. I'm thinking I should see my doctor and ask about some anti-anxiety meds otherwise this whole thing is going to kill me. My hands are constantly shaking." He held one up as proof. "What's one more pill a day going to hurt? I'm already downing them like M&Ms."

Evie took his hand and leaned forward to kiss it softly. Riley had definitely been stressed since the news, and she wasn't sure how she was going to convince him that she was fine, and the baby would be fine. She wasn't sure he'd calm down until the baby was born and in his arms, and even then he'd find something to stress about. She held his hand against her stomach, and smiled. "Hey, if popping pills helps you, it's all good. Only time I will ever say anything is if you start taking muscle pills or some crap, and wind up with the dick the size of a pea, and no sex drive."

"I can't promise the no sex drive thing because I know how precarious it can be, but everything else, I'm too fucking over medical intervention to even think about it. I don't mind how I look. I know it could be much worse," Riley said with a shrug. He picked up his wallet and cell phone and got out of the car. He yawned and indulged in a stretch. He wasn't so much nervous about the ultrasound and seeing the spot that would be the baby, but more them telling him something might be wrong. He was pretty sure he had completely forgotten how to relax in the recent months. "I think it's just stemming from more than the pregnancy. I don't want you to think it's only that making me a complete dick."

Evie laughed softly as she rounded the car to wrap her arms around her husband. She was still indulging in every possible chance to refer to herself as Mrs Browne, and use the words, 'Well, my husband and I...' She looked up at him and rubbed her hand against his back. "I've never thought of you as a complete dick. Just sometimes you can be very stressed out, which really only makes you a partial dick, and you. I mean, you wouldn't be you if you didn't freak out at stuff. Really, it's fine. For now just let me be the calm blue ocean, and you can be the crazy crab on the beach. We'll work it out, and the baby will be fine. It's going to come out into a world with two parents that are going to love it more than oxygen. And you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Riley laughed and tucked his arm around her shoulder. "Crazy crab? I'm totally picturing this crab on fast forward racing around the beach with it's eyes bulging out of it's head now." He nodded. "Yeah, I know. I do. The thing is, I can't always formulate clearly in my head what's freaking me out. It's usually a jumble of little things. But this is a big thing. A huge thing, but the little things are still there. It's just compounding. Now that I'm not seeing a therapist, I guess it just all lingers in there." He led her over to the entrance of the clinic, noting they were pretty much on time, which was good. Waiting in a waiting room for shit like that, especially an ultrasound, always sucked.

"Do you want to go back to seeing a therapist?" Evie asked as she followed him. They entered the clinic, and Evie couldn't help but suck in a breath. Their first ultrasound. She was still amazed she was even pregnant in the first place. She had a little Riley inside her... "It doesn't hurt if you just want someone to ramble at who isn't us. There's no shame in it."

"I don't know. I really don't think so. I don't feel as screwed in the head anymore like I was after the diagnosis. I'm not having unhealthy thoughts anymore. I just get really stressed out when things aren't on an even keel, and maybe a mild pill for that will help. I do talk about things to people, but then I'm stressed before I even realise I'm stressing." Riley approached the receptionist, who smiled and told them to head right into the clinic room just up the hall. She explained to Evie to change into the gown waiting in the connecting change room for her and Riley raised his eyebrows, impressed at the service. He waited until they were out of ear shot of the woman and then sniggered. "What's next? Mints on the exam pillow?"

"Don't joke about mints, I'm starving... all this holding onto my pee is hard work," Evie muttered as she crossed her legs a little just to try and stop herself from wetting herself. She wasn't concerned about Riley being in the room while she changed. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it all before. The service was definitely impressive though, and Evie was relieved to find the gowns weren't some horrible pink colour just because she was an expectant mom. "Yeah, but you don't have to be screwed in the head to just want to talk to someone. Maybe talking will help find balance without a pill?" Evie turned to face him as she struck a pose. "How about I wear this to the twin party? I think it's very flattering."

"No!" Riley protested and then carefully held the gown closed in the back. "No one is looking at your arse but me, ever. Or your legs. I'll thump them." The tip of his tongue came to rest between his lips at the force of the bout of possessiveness and he had mind to look sheepish after it. "Just saying," he added and cleared his throat. He helped her over to the exam table so she could lie down and had to fight the urge to fiddle with the sonogram machine to make sure it was all set right. He didn't want the clinician belting him. "I mentioned it to Lachlan and he, believe it or not, suggested meditation."

Evie couldn't help but feel a rush of arousal at Riley's possessiveness, but she managed to stop herself from trying to grope him here and now. She took his hand again, and nipped at the tip of one of his fingers. "So I'm just supposed to spend the rest of my days in long skirts down to the floor? You're so hot when you're all grr like that. Just saying." Evie raised her eyebrows a little. "He did? He is the group's new counsellor, so I guess if he says meds, then it's meds."

"No, I just... you know," Riley added sheepishly and smoothed the sheet down on the bed. "MediTATion. Not medication," he laughed. "You know, waterfalls and whale sounds in deserted forests. Inner peace. I know, I laughed too."

Evie blinked before she started to laugh. "Shit, holding onto this pee is even affecting my hearing. Will you love me even if I'm stone deaf, and talking crap?" she asked him as she rolled her eyes at herself. "Well, just don't meditate near Tab. Pretty sure she has no idea what quiet time is until she's working on a song."

"Yes, because I'll probably be right there beside you," Riley pointed out, laughing. "Tell me about it. That's the reason I nearly pissed myself laughing when he suggested it. But I got the serious Yodalan look, so he meant it. He said it can help. Maybe I should try it. The only thing is, I get easily distracted. I'll wonder what's going on without me when I'm in my happy place."

Evie giggled. "Well, that's what wives are for, isn't it? I'll give you the rundown when you come back from your happy place. Pretty sure not a lot will be happening. Not planning on staying in the happy place for years, right?"

Riley smirked. "Depends what I find there," he joked. "Me, pulling the piss out of Lachlan for meditating, maybe. I just can't see it. I wasn't even sure I believed in it, but I don't know. I'd probably lose interest before I even learnt how to do it."

Evie smiled at him. "No way to know for sure until you try. Maybe you'll like it more than you think. Might even appreciate learning it once the baby comes."

Riley didn't have a chance to reply before there was a knock at the door and the radiographer appeared. She smiled at them. "Are you ready to get the show on the road?" she asked as she tugged some latex gloves on. "Or do you need a bit longer?"

"We're ready, I think?" Riley said, looking to Evie for clarification. "I don't think waiting is on the menu."

Evie gave a slight nod, her hand tightening around Riley's. "Definitely ready, otherwise there's going to be no pee to do this thing. I can't really hold much longer," she said with a nervous laugh.

The radiographer smiled in understanding. "I've been there, Mrs Browne. I know exactly how uncomfortable it is. But we'll be as quick as we can. Just need to check all is where it's supposed to be, though your file tells me things have been pretty smooth for you with the process, which is a huge positive."

Riley was nodding, though he wasn't sure at what. "The gel will be cold and the pressure will be uncomfortable," he added reflexively, but then shot the radiographer a sheepish look. "Sorry. Habit. I'll shut up now and I promise not to read the screen before you do," he said and bit down on his lip.

The radiographer gave a slight laugh as she exchanged a glance with Evie. Evie just squeezed Riley's hand. "Backseat radiographer, much? We should have just got a machine and you could have done this yourself."

"It's fine, Mrs Browne. It's a habit a lot of doctors seem to possess." She smiled at Riley again, and nodded. "He's right, though. You might just want to take a deep breath and think very non-water filled thoughts as we do this."

Riley was good. He really could have agreed to her joke and snatched the device out of the radiographers hand. And he wanted to. This was his wife and his baby. He wanted to do it all, so at least then he knew it was done right. But at the same time, he knew that was reckless because he was extremely emotionally set in the thing and could make mistakes. "Please don't ask me to sing again. I really do suck when I'm not drunk," he said, clearing his throat. He was watching the woman's every move though, just in case, and he was bouncing his leg anxiously from a mix of nerves and desperately needing a pee.

The radiographer tucked Evie's gown up and squirted the gel onto her still-flat stomach. She turned back to the screen for a moment and typed in a few details before all of Evie's particulars came up on the screen. "Ready to go?" she asked again, just to clarify.

Evie nodded as she pushed out a breath slowly, and looked anxiously at the monitor. Truth was she'd never been so scared in her life, but if they didn't do this she'd scream. "Yes. Ready. Christ, I'm going to be peeing for days after this."

Riley once again nodded in agreement. He was getting good at that. He took Evie's hand and gripped it tightly. The room fell silent as the Radiographer pressed the wand against Evie's stomach, smoothing the gel out over her lower abdomen. His green eyes were planted on the screen, wide and watching closely. Beside them the Radiographer smiled, shifting the image just a little. "There we go," she told them, pointing to a small black dot on the screen and holding the wand still for the moment. "Baby Browne."

Evie blinked as she looked at the black dot. She couldn't hide her smile, never having been so excited to see a black dot in her entire life. "I really want to say it's cute, but I can't tell yet. I'm just ecstatic it's there and real, and not just a dream. See, sexy? The baby's fine."

Riley was nodding and let out a rush of breah in relief. "Yeah, it's all good. It looks fine. No lesions around it." He looked at where the wand was. "In the right place, too." The Radiographer smiled with a nod of agreement and captured a few of the images before moving on. She shifted the wand and Riley's eyes went back to the screen for the other views. It was all of, maybe, twenty seconds before he literally shrieked, hand flying out of Evie's so he could slap both over his mouth, eyes probably as wide as they could go.

The radiographer and Evie both stared at Riley. Evie continued to look at her husband as the radiographer turned her head to try and see what Riley had seen to make him panic. Evie reached out to grip at Riley's arm, and tug his hands away from his mouth. "What? What is it? Are there lesions? Is the baby not okay?"

The Radiographer looked back at the screen and her eyesbrows shot up. "Oh my," she commented with a small laugh. "You're quicker than me, Dr Browne. Well, isn't this a wonderful surprise," she told them and captured the screen again. "Twins," she confirmed, marking the two little dots with Baby One and Baby Two. "Are there twins in your family?"

Riley nodded furiously, hand still over his mouth as he gaped in shock. "Oh... god..." he got out, even if it was muffled. His eyes flicked back an forth rapidly between the two dots and it suddenly felt like someone had shoved cotton wool in his head through his ears.

"Twins?" Evie gasped as she stared at the marked dots. "Twins, are you sure? It's not just a fleck of... dirt? Shit, twins... Two babies. We're having... twins." Evie's brain seemed to have slowed down, and she just gazed at the monitor as she tried to force it into her head that she wasn't carrying one little Riley, but two. "I really need to pee," she murmured.

The Radiographer shook her head a little. "I need a few more images. I'm sorry. Just a couple more minutes," she told them. "It's a shock, I know. I'll be out of your hair really soon."

Riley could feel his heart thumping in his chest in threatened panic. No, they couldn't be having two. They only paid for one. They had only planned one room for a nursery. They both had full time jobs. There wasn't any time for two. Not even twins. No matter what way the image was shown in the screen now, two marks were prominent. It wasn't a speck. It was really, really happening and his head was spinning at the prospect.

"Riley?" Evie said quietly, trying to pull her husband back from the shock. She wasn't about to cope with the twin specks on her own. "Breathe, sexy... come back to me."

"I'm here," Riley squeaked and then laughed breathlessly. "Just a bit stunned right now. It's really hot in here, too." He huffed out a heavy breath, tugging on his collar.

The Radiographer smiled knowingly. It wasn't the first time she had discovered twins, not by a long shot. It was always a shock. "So, which of you have twins in your genes? Grandfathers? Aunts?"

"Me," Riley cut in before she got carried away in her questioning. "Me. I'm a fraternal twin. I have a twin sister. We're real close. This shouldn't be freaking me out, but it is, maybe more than a wee bit."

Evie had Riley's hand against her chest, and held onto it with both her hands as she looked between the monitor and Riley. "It'll be okay... right? We can deal with twins. Just like a Christmas bonus, or something. Shit.. I can't believe it."

The Radiographer smiled again and nodded as she peeled some tissues from the box and handed them to Evie. "Fraternal twins. The hereditary variety." She was amused it hadn't been a consideration for the other doctor, but the IVF process was stressful. It probably was the last thing to cross his mind. "I'll leave you both to it. You can pick up prints of the scan on your way out. Take your time. There is no rush. Oh, and the bathroom is right through there." She pointed to the door. "Congratulations," she told them again before she left them alone.

Riley bit down on his lip. "Would it really be bad form if I wet my pants?" he asked hoarsely.

Evie shook her head. "No, because I'm about to pee mine."

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 3,723

just_1_word | 30.1. Knock

pullmysteth — Wed, 27 May 2009 07:01:27 GMT

30.1. Knock

Co-written with asinthecity
[Follows THIS]

Riley realised he was probably supposed to be trying to sleep right now. Jetlag should be setting in. It might be eleven am in Princeton, but it was four am in Edinburgh, and he was running on adrenaline... or something. He had been lying in bed all of ten seconds following the pregnancy test and random dumping of Evie's piles around the bedroom for later when he was shooting out of bed again and running up the hall to Tab and Luke's room. He really wasn't thinking of chivalrous things like consideration right now. He knocked on the door, somehow managing to pace back and forth in front of it at the same time. He ignored the dizzy feeling in his head. Lack of sleep, lack of good food, and bashing your head on the toilet roll holder would do that to a guy. "Tab!" he all but shrieked when he got no immediate answer.

Unlike her brother and his wife, Tab and Luke had actually managed to pass out the moment they'd gotten home. The two of them had curled up on the bed without a single thought towards moving, or even sex, both of them falling into a deep slumber. Luke grunted against Tab's back before rolling over, and Tab groaned in protest as the knocking and now yelling invaded her blissful state. "Fuhnk off," she mumbled into the pillow, hugging it tighter to her face as she tried to ignore whatever it was trying to wake up.

It was no good though, and Tab opened one eye to glare at the wall as if it was the offender. Luke somehow managed to sleep on, even as Tab hit him in the chest for being such an oblivious sleeper. She dragged herself out of bed and over to their bedroom door, her red hair very much dishevelled and sticking out at all angles. "What?" she hissed out as she glared at the moving shape in the hallway. It took her vision a couple of moments to focus and she frowned at Riley. "S'happened?"

Riley kept pacing, gesturing elaborately with his hand. "I was calm! Calm and cool, even! I was so cool, it wasn't funny!" he began, talking rapidly. He had to stop the movement when the hall felt like it shifted under his feet and he put his hand up on the wall to balance himself. "And then it was just there and it was happening and now it's in her and I'm not so cool anymore and really just feel like I want to throw up again, which really isn't cool, you know?" He looked at her insistently as if she would understand every single word out of his mouth.

Tab just stared back at her brother, really not comprehending much of anything. "Is this a sex freak out?"

"No!" Riley shrieked, throwing up his hands. "There was no sex! That's the thing. No sex, but it's still there! Two lines! And it wasn't 'cause of my head or anything, they were really there! This is, like, bigger than deciding to put a plasma in the bathroom, you know?! It's actually really real, and what if it stops being real?" He stopped and rested his head against the wall with a whimper. "My head hurts."

"Would that have to do with the bandage? We've been home only hours and you've already hurt yourself, beanpole." Tab stifled a yawn and ruffled her hair as she looked down at her feet. "Wait, two lines? Two lines like as in Evie's pregnant two lines? So you're inside of her?!"

Riley blinked. "Not right now! I'm not that good. We didn't even feel like sex after that." He looked up and nodded. "Two lines pregnant," he confirmed, voice breaking.

"No, I just meant your sperm! Your sperm's inside her and made her pregnant!" Tab's eyes went wide and she squealed before she started to jump up and down, ignoring the fact that Luke was trying to sleep. "OH MY GOD! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my fucking god!! Riley!!!! Your super sperm knocked her up!"

Riley's head felt like it was in a washing machine. "No, no! Evie doesn't want excited people! I didn't do it! A... a thing did it!" It wasn't really denial. Not much. Only a wee bit. His head was struggling to let him believe he was actually going to be a father and there were two lines. Maybe this was Stage Two of the freak out?

Tab clapped her hands over her mouth and stopped bouncing as she just looked at Riley. How could she not be excited? The sperm washing had worked, and her brother was that much closer to a dream he'd always wanted. She slowly took her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper. "A thing with your sperm... Big bro, this is huge. I know you're freaking out, but come on... you've helped create a kid. A baby! Some drooling snot machine is going to exist with your genes."

Riley looked at her helplessly, wondering if he was actually going to cry. "But what if that's not a good thing in hindsight?!" he cried, feeling a panic trying to set in.

Tab pulled her bedroom door shut as she came out into the hall and balanced on the tips of her toes as she wrapped her arms around her brother. She could see the fine line he was balancing on, her twin in near hysterics. It was enough to put a very effective dampener on her excitement. "Hey... why wouldn't it be a good thing?"

"We both threw up," was Riley's answer as he tried to come up with something more rational offer. "I just... I... I get worried the washing shit didn't work and Evie might still get sick. Which is probably stupid. But what if I suck as a father? I just might suck. Some people do."

"You've survived all this time with me as your sister, you're not going to suck." She hugged him tighter, and tried to work out what she could say to make this better on him. "You'reRJ's godfather, and you're perfect with him. You're a natural dad. I can't promise Evie isn't infected, but you know what? I think I might actually have faith that she isn't. If nothing else in your life was meant to work out, I just know that this will. Karma owes you, beanpole."

Riley pressed his hand over his forehead, looking at her as if he really needed her to be speaking gospel right now. "Yeah?" he said, pacing a couple of steps one way, and then the other before stopping again. "I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I mean, it's a long way off... end of... January-ish. I feel like I can't even get my brain to work."

Tab nodded as she leaned back against her door. "Yeah, Riley. I think this is it. You and Evie have been through a lot, and I think this is about to be your big payout." She couldn't help but smile a little as he continued to freak out. "I think the only thing you're supposed to do now is get some rest. There's nothing to do. It's just a waiting game. You can get ready for the kid when Evie's a bit more pregnant. Right now, just ride the wave of knowing you're a dad. Take a moment to enjoy it."

Riley realised his hands were shaking and he tucked them in under his arms, letting out a long breath. The adrenaline was wearing off and he was starting to feel at a loss. "I should be excited. I should be. And I will be. I just need to get my head around it. I guess it's like getting the HIV diagnosis, only in reverse, and I just get worried about stupid things. Plus I haven't had much sleep and I was worried about other things before this happened and I... I really didn't think it would happen," he finally admitted.

Tab walked around him to place her hands on his back and nudge him in direction of the lounge room. There would be time enough for them to sleep with their spouses, right now Tab figured Riley needed a bit of twin calming first. She pushed him down onto the sofa and curled up beside him with her head on his shoulder. "I know, beanpole. I know... Just let yourself feel whatever you have to. There's no right or wrong reaction here. Well, if you were crying bad tears then I think that constitutes bad, but you're not. You're just freaking out, and it's natural."

"You know, when Lachlan was in my position, I was in yours right now and I was so good at the advice thing. I believed what I was saying. Telling him it was amazing and he had this fantastic thing to look forward to, but he kept freaking out, even though he knew it was really what he wanted deep down, and now I get how he felt. Getting married was easy. It was just a natural next step, but this... a little person is going to come out of there in about eight months and be totally reliant on us. Some days I'm too buggered after work to even get out of bed, some days I don't even make the bed. How am I supposed to be a parent-type person?" Riley asked, holding up his hand.

"By loving them no matter what, and unconditionally. By letting the rest of your family be there when you can't, and knowing when to ask for help. You're not going to palm them off onto other people, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting us take over for a bit, or letting Evie take the reigns. You're allowed to be buggered, and exhausted, but still love your child. It's what makes you different, Riley. They'll know you love them. It'll be easier to know what to go when they come. There's no point getting too far ahead of yourself," Tab replied softly as she tried to stifle a yawn. "It is going to be amazing, and you are going to be a great dad. If you still don't believe me in another month, I will happily knock sense into you."

Riley finally managed to smirk at her. "Are you going to still have a baby phobia? We could be up shit creek if you do," he pointed out in amusement, resting his head back against the sofa.

Tab gave him a squeeze before resting her legs over him and making herself even more comfortable. "Fuck off, arse pain. I'm not going to have a baby phobia when it's your kid. I'm going to be the world's greatest aunt."

"You know, you're already pretty good with RJ. He doesn't cry with you. That's huge. I think he's fascinated with your hair," Riley mused and stretched his legs out in front of him. They were still stiff and sore from being cramped up on the flight. He couldn't help it he was tall.

"Then I got a winning gimmick," Tab smirked. "RJ's RJ... he's not some weird kid. I like him. Just like I'll like anything related to you. So just relax for a bit, okay? This is happening, and it'll be great."

Riley rested his hands on his stomach and was silent for a few moments while he started to poke through the array of thoughts swishing through his head. This was huge and it was going to take time to realise it was real. After his HIV diagnosis, he had started to write off basic desires he had always had. Kids had been a big one. The sperm washing had been an enormous decision to come to, and even though he rationally knew that what had been implanted into Evie via theIVF had been tested for the virus and cleared, he was still scared. He was scared of things like what it would mean for their baby to have a father that was positive. Would it just be a normalcy in their family that they were aware of but just dealt with, or would it be a stigma for them? He tried to imagine this very living room looking like Tara andLachlan's did as the norm now... baby items strewn from floor to ceiling, a portable crib and change mat as a permanent fixture by the bookcase. It seemed surreal. Like a dream to own a sports car; something that seemed really cool, but deep down you never really believed would come to fruition. Then he thought of the lookLachlan got on his face whenever he spoke about his son, and Riley knew he still wanted that. He wanted to feel that ecstasy that caused his best mate to kiss a strange looking janitor from sheer elation the nightRJ was born. "I want it," he finally verbalised, nodding slightly. "I want it more than anything."

Tab stretched up to press a kiss to her brother's forehead. "Then I think you and I both know you'll be okay," she told him quietly. "But if you do freak out, then I'll be here. What else are awesome sisters for?"

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 2,218

muse_shuffle | April Disc Two

pullmysteth — Wed, 27 May 2009 06:40:58 GMT

14. I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
[‘The Luckiest’ – Ben Folds]

Co-written with imnodoctor
[Before THIS]

They were home from Scotland, the mood around the house was pretty sombre. It was tough to come away from a place everyone loved so much, but it was bittersweet. They knew they could always go back, and would always go back. Lachlan was hardly speaking to anyone by the time the plane touched down in Jersey. It was going to take a few days for him to get back on his feet. He never did will saying goodbye to his family and even as they were getting into a cab at the airport, the Scot seemed close to tears every time someone spoke to him.

But it was time to get back to normal. At least, as normal as possible. A lot had changed, and even more changes were on the horizon. Riley found Evie getting a head-start on their unpacking in the bedroom, even though they had only been home a few hours. She was fussing around making neat piles on the bed, much to Riley's amusement. The jet-lag was going to have to set in sooner or later... he hoped. He was going to need that bed when he passed out cold in a little while himself. He came up behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist, his chin resting on her shoulder. A small kiss was pressed to her cheek and then he held up a small box in her line of sight.

A pregnancy test.

Evie paused in the act of folding one of Riley's t-shirts, her breath catching in her throat. Truth was, she was almost dreading this moment. The excitement that had been building, and her faith in the success of the IVF had slowly been waning during the trip to Scotland. She wasn't throwing up, she wasn't even sure if her breasts were tender because she was pregnant, or if her bras were just bad. Or maybe it was too much foreplay. Wasn't like she'd let Riley rest very much when he wasn't passed out.

She turned her head a little to glance at him from the corner of her eye as she dropped the t-shirt and took the kit out of his hand. "I'm scared, sexy," she said quietly.

Riley nodded. "I know, sweetheart," he agreed softly. "Which is why we're going the standard supermarket route than hauling arse to the IVF clinic for the invasive test first up. We're home, it's your bathroom, you don't even have to put a bra on. We should at least get to do some part of this normally." His arm stayed securely around her waist and he rubbed her stomach gently. "And if it's not... well, there's no rush to New York, is there?"

Evie shook her head, and leaned back against Riley as she rubbed her thumb against the cardboard packaging. "No, no rush... Shit, I can't believe it's time. Before we were talking about how long it was going to take before we could do this, and now we're doing it. Are you going to come watch me pee, or just wait here?"

Riley took the box off her again and opened it up, removing the test and pressing it against her palm. "How about you do it quickly, then give me a shout and I'll come in and wait with you?" he suggested. "But if you freak out before that, I'll come in and hold your hand."

Evie twisted in his hold as her fingers closed around the stick and she held onto it tightly as she hugged him. "Good thing I was drinking nothing but tea this morning, huh? You English and your tea. I swear to god I'm slowly losing my love for coffee... It's a sad, sad day." She kissed Riley's lips softly before she retreated to the toilet. She could do the quick pee thing. She could do it, and not freak out. This was something she wanted. Something they both wanted. It was the moment of truth, and Evie was in danger of wetting herself regardless.

She ran into the ensuite, and pushed down her pajama pants. She was shaking, but she could do this. She had to do this. "Can you please not leave it so quiet?" Evie called out, the sudden silence in the bathroom driving her crazy.

Riley was left standing at the end of the bed and blinked, sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth. "Uh," he said, at a loss of what he was supposed to do. He scratched his head and then started singing YMCA at the top of his lungs, not really bothered if Luke and Tab would hear him down the stairs. He blamed Pat for that being the first song to jump into his head.

In the bathroom, Evie dropped her head into her hand and started to laugh. Riley's singing--however bad--was something that helped relax her, and she managed to pee on the stick without any trouble. He was still singing as she lay the test on the side of the sink and washed her hands. Evie flushed the toilet, and appeared in the doorway as she smiled. "You could have just turned the stereo on, but thank you," she laughed. "This is why I married you."

Riley looked at her sheepishly. "I didn't think of that," he admitted, pulling his lips to the side. "And this is an argument for my idea to put a plasma in the en suite," he added with a cheeky grin, moving over to her and reaching to take her hands.

Evie pulled his arms around her and kept him close as she laughed again. "Exactly when would you watch the plasma, and where are we going to put it?" she asked. Evie looped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "You can't put it in the shower, they're not waterproof."

Riley edged them into the bathroom and then pointed. "I was thinking above the end of the bath where that shelf is. Then you can see it from the toilet and the shower, if you lean out the door. Also, if you stand off the edge of the sink and lean a bit to the right, you can watch it via the mirror when you're brushing your teeth," he explained with an accomplished grin.

"You really have been planning this, haven't you?" Evie asked with a smirk. The grin on his face was too cute. She tilted her head as she considered the spot above the shelf. "How are we going to make sure that it stays on the wall, and doesn't fall off and electrocute us?"

Riley waved his hand. "I'll get some bloke to mount it securely. I saw it in a home book thingy. Which I meant to say too, we should repaint the kitchen. Maybe get some new appliances. I'm getting annoyed with that nudging thing you have to do to the dishwasher before it clicks on." His eyes flicked briefly to the test sitting on the side of the sink and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Clearly he was going to try and deal with this by rambling.

Evie moved him so he was sitting on the closed toilet lid and climbed onto his lap. She rest her head against his and stroked his cheek. She was choosing to deal with it by keeping as close to Riley as possible. "We can do that. I think it might be handy having a TV in here, don't you? I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea. I mean, I know it's probably a guy thing, but I think I'll like it, too. Help me when I shave my legs."

Riley nodded as if he understood the whole technicalities of shaving legs... which he didn't. "And, you know, if one of us isn't feeling well and we have to camp out in here, we can watch The Simpsons," he added, holding a hand up. "We could always repaint in here, too. If we have some time and all..." Under her, his leg started bouncing anxiously and he was chewing on his lip. His stomach was flipping nervously. He was usually a really patient person, too.

Evie wrapped her leg around Riley's to try and stop him bouncing it. "I feel like we've just finished painting this place, but okay. We can do any repainting you want. It'd be nice watching The Simpsons when we're sick." She turned her head a little to take a peek at the stick. It was meant to be a couple of minutes, right? She touched her fingers to her stomach and looked down at it.

Riley drew in a deep breath and let it out with a rush. "Can we look? How long has it been? How long was it supposed to be? What does it do?" he asked, his leg bouncing all over again. "You're the one who is supposed to be feeling sick right? Because I think I'm going out in sympathy here," he admitted with a nervous laugh.

Evie took his face between his hands, and smiled at him. "Just between you and me, if you're the one getting the morning sickness and not me, I won't complain. I haven't really been feeling sick, though. I've just been wondering if my breasts are tender for reasons other than over-stimulation, and bad bras. There's also the fact that I have never paid as much attention to unpacking suitcases as I have on this trip..." Evie shrugged, and she reached over to pick up the test, careful to cover the window with her hand so the surprise wasn't spoiled. "Two lines for positive, one line for negative. You sure you want to look?"

Riley shook his head. "No," he told her. "I'm not sure." His voice was shaky and uncertain and he was sure if he kept biting his lip the way he was, he would bite it off.

"So we're not going to look?" Evie asked, watching him. She wished she could make his nerves better, but she was having enough trouble controlling her own. Her stomach was starting to tie itself in knots, and she felt like she was going to be sick.

Riley nodded and then shook his head. He wasn't feeling much better. It had to be jet-lag and bad airline food. "You look," he told her, his hand curling around hers.

Evie nodded, and turned enough to hide the stick from Riley as she held onto his hand. She sucked in a breath as she saw the two blue lines, her eyes going wide. She was pregnant. According to this test, she was actually pregnant. The IVF had worked, and she was carrying Riley's baby. "Holy shit... holy fucking shit." She looked at Riley before her stomach felt like it was trying to push it's way up through her throat and she jumped off his lap. "Get off the toilet, I'm going to be sick!"

Riley was still in shock and automatically reacted by somehow toppling off the toilet and banging his head on the toilet roll holder. What did this mean?! He moaned, clutching at his head as he tried to drag himself back into a sitting position. "What... what?!" was all he could get out, feeling dampness against his finger. "Oh fuck me!" It was like the room had exploded in chaos and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to absorb first. And he still didn't know the result!

Evie flipped up the lid, her need to check on Riley becoming second to the need to throw up. She stuck her hand out with the test in Riley's direction, a load groan her only answer. It was like the morning sickness had been holding out until she saw the results, and now that it was real, the morning sickness was making up for lost time.

Riley never expected anything in their life to go off without some sort of explosion. He had blood trickling down his temple as he made a blind grab for the held out test. The puking could really be for either reason, he rationalised. He held it close to his face to see the tiny screen and then blinked. "Is there two lines here or am I just seeing double?" he asked, holding it even closer and causing him to go cross-eyed.

"Two... lines..." Evie gasped before she was groaning again, and holding the edge of the toilet. "Pregnant."

Riley dropped the stick like it burned him, accompanied by an inelegant shriek of shock. "No, that's... you... we... no..." He shook his head, but it was mistake. No way was Evie pregnant. He had convinced himself so much it would be negative that as far as his brain was concerned, the pregnancy test was just routine. But there was two lines. Two whole lines. "Oh, dizzy..."

Evie pulled back as she managed to stop being sick, and used some toilet paper to wipe at her mouth. She looked at Riley and reached up to flush the toilet before she moved to the cupboard under the sink and got out the box of latex gloves they kept under there. Evie pulled on a pair without a second thought and moved over to take a look at Riley's head. "I'm sorry, sexy. I never meant for you to hurt yourself. I just really needed to puke. Are you okay? Are you seeing double?"

"Oh, that's okay," Riley said with a calmness that seemed to come out of nowhere. Then he started to laugh, and it was like he couldn't stop. He was oblivious to the cut on his head. "I think I need to puke too soon," he decided through the laughter, tears soon trickling down his cheeks when he couldn't stop it. He put his hand over his chest as he broke into a fit of coughs but still more laughing. "Oh shit, we're pregnant!"

Evie was back over by the sink as she got the first aid kit and sat in front of Riley so she could clean him up. The way he was laughing was making her nervous, but she figured it was just shock. "I know... shit. I can't believe it. I have a baby Browne inside me."

"I think I need to lie down." Riley flopped over onto his side before the words were even out of his mouth. He shifted onto his back, looking up at the ceiling and rubbing his fingers against his forehead. "This wasn't... I didn't... I've lost the ability to talk in sentences."

"I can tell," Evie said as she leaned down and continued to clean him up. When she had the bandage in place, she moved on top of him, and rest her head on his chest. "It's real, Riley. We're having a kid. It worked..."

Riley draped his arm around her back. "Why is it every life milestone with us comes with blood, sweat, tears, and puke?" he asked in amusement. "I just... I... wow."

"Just wait until the kid's actually born. There'll be even more blood, sweat, tears, and puke." Evie rubbed her hand against his arm, and sighed. "You still want to be a daddy, right?"

Riley nodded. "Yeah, of course. I'm... just really scared all of a sudden," he admitted. "I made a mistake. I didn't let myself believe it was going to happen. Didn't really prepare. I think I'm maybe a third of the way into a freak out."

"You're allowed to freak out," Evie said quietly. "I mean, I was hoping I was pregnant, but now I am, and I can't believe it." Evie touched a finger to her lips, and was quiet for a moment. "Are we even supposed to tell people? Isn't there a rule? Like... five weeks, or something."

Riley shook his head and held his hand up. "Maybe?" he said, his voice a little higher than usual. "Probably. If there is, I can't do it. I suck at lying. Especially about big things. I start talking with the last syllables of my sentences going up an octave, and I get a funny rash around my throat. Gives me away every time, especially to people who know me." He was rubbing his forehead again, still trying to wrap his head around it.

Evie got up a little and moved up his body so she could look at his face. "So we tell them... but try to make sure no one gets too excited? We kind of have to make sure we stay pregnant, don't we? I don't know... I've never done this before. We'll be okay, won't we? We can do this... Are you okay? How's the freaking out? I think I'm going to freak out."

"I just... um... I don't know. Maybe you should take some leave? Just the first couple of months, or something? I mean, money's not really an issue. Just take it easy..." Riley let out a sharp breath, still staring at the ceiling and feeling his heart start to beat a mile a minute. "I think maybe it's my turn to throw up. We should install a second toilet with the plasma, maybe?"

Evie rolled off him to give him room to throw up if he needed to. She pushed her fingers through her blonde hair and nodded. "Time off might be a good idea. I mean, shit... I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. We're going to be parents. This is huge. This is so fucking huge. A second toilet is probably going to be a great idea."

"Oh god, it actually worked. My sperm is in there!" Riley scrambled up over to the toilet, making it just in time to lose the bad airline food. It didn't last too long, and he let out a groan of annoyance before wiping his mouth and flushing the toilet. He rested back on his knees, holding his stomach which was turning over with a mixture of nerves and worry. "It has to be alright in there, right?" he finally asked, looking at her helplessly.

Evie smiled, her own arms wrapped around her stomach. "Yeah, it'll be alright. I'll keep it safe."

All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe

Word Count | 3,016

From everyone...

pullmysteth — Mon, 25 May 2009 11:00:09 GMT

... and wondering why the fuck I get sucked into these things.

Your Pop Star Name Is Benji Thunder

You're Gonna Be a Star!

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