desire

solstice intentions

psykokandy — Sat, 20 Dec 2025 21:43:37 GMT

my home is organized, efficient, and beautiful in a way that is conducive to productivity, joy, and easeful living.
i have found an exercise routine that works for me. I engage in regular movement that is enjoyable and can see my strength build and my flesh contour.
i relish my time on my own, the joy of deeply loving myself. i use alone time to care for myself, take myself out on dates, and just be.
my life is filled with love from friends — the ones i talk to, think of, and regularly see.
i am committed to my spiritual growth — my tarot, astrological, earth-based and hindu-informed practices are giving me clarity and connection to the beyond.
i am financially secure — i can comfortably manage my bills, pay off debt, and have money for fun.
me, pinky, and jaya have a beautiful rhythm when they are with me — we have fun, joy, and deep connection.
i am open to love from those who can and do love me back the way i need — both in feeling and in action.
my career is thriving — my reputation is growing, my schedule is full, my workshops are in demand. i do great work with clients and people know it.
i am regularly engaged in hobbies, interests, activities, and events that bring me both joy and fulfillment.
i am confident in my work — i am engaging in professional development that feeds my practice and my interests, and benefits clients.
i am grateful to be alive.

i accept where i am at in terms of love and relationships — whether single or partnered or dating, i experience joy, connection, love, and security.

psykokandy — Sun, 02 Jun 2024 04:48:44 GMT

i talked to your mom today.

she said hearing from me cheered her up. she asked about michael and the kids.

why does it still ache so much? i don't want to say goodbye to you.

i have to admit. i wanted her to say that i was the one you loved the most.

i know i'll never have answers, really. sharon said you were intimidated by me — by the life i had outside of you. there was fear i'd just leave.

your mom said you broke up with n when you were in manchester because, at the time, you wanted someone a little more exciting. and i know that's when you started being with me again.

i don't know.

i wish you were here. i wish i could just ask you.

i wish there were some answers.

radical acceptance of the unknown.

stop whispering

psykokandy — Wed, 24 Jan 2024 05:19:22 GMT

it's 2024 and i'm sitting here in the basement, listening to radiohead's pablo honey while avoiding work.

i'm not in my 20s anymore. not even my 30s.

i'm 42, going on 43.

so much of this journal is a record of owen.

my chest collapses as i write his name. still. 20 years later. i'm married to someone else and i have 2 kids and my heart aches for owen.

that story is as over as over can be, though. he's not alive anymore. he struggled with alcohol. his wife left him. he didn't see his kid often. he spent his money on rehab. then he got back together with someone dated way back when and they were in love and then he died.

i found contentment and joy with my family. i hope he did, too.

toronto

psykokandy — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 01:52:03 GMT

i think there are a few of you who live in toronto.. at any rate, i'm here 'til thursday, so if you're reading this and wanna hang out, comment or email or something!

"i wanna fly and run 'til it hurts"

psykokandy — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:54:20 GMT

hahaha such a cheesy subject header for what's been on my mind, but i'm putting it in anyway! :)

the idea of moving to melbourne is seeming more and more real to me as time passes. i've spent the past few days researching activisty scenes, neighbourhoods, cost of living, housing, etc... and it just seems so perfect. i do think the heat will get to me, but not as much as the cold here kills me. i'm aiming for a february move, though i'd really like to go in january.

i'll have to figure out what i can do for work, though.

but.

yay!!

(it's still possible i'll change my mind. i have my big 5 week road trip across canada coming up in a few weeks, so it's possible i'll fall in love with something here. but for now, it's knowing there is more out there than this. yay.)

psykokandy — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 22:57:52 GMT

i'm still alive!

things are... well, as one would expect things to be. work is fucking brutal. i still love my job, but it gets exhausting. disclosures from children are hard. disclosures from children who're currently being abused by their parents are worse. the shit people do to each other never fails to surprise me, though i guess i'm becoming a bit hardened in that i'm not shocked anymore when my friends tell me things about themselves/their friends. i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not?

i'm going on a roadtrip across canada during all of august and for the last week of july. five weeks of canadian goodness!! i'm hoping i'll stumble across a part of canada that i love and would like to live in - somewhere i can picture myself living for a prolonged period. it'd have to be somewhere that's friendly, somewhere that gets sunshine and somewhere that isn't oppressively cold. by the water would be a big, big plus. i'm not sure if this place exists.

it's funny how, a few years ago, a city that attracts a lot of bands would be on my list of priorities.. but now, the band thing doesn't matter as much. i want a community more than i want gigs. as long as i can get my art fix through a local scene that's welcoming, i'm happy. an activist circle with good friends is more important to me than bands whose cds i own. i'm shocked.

i'm also fucking tired.

psykokandy — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:24:09 GMT

so, i'm in montreal right now and feeling super, super, super lazy!! i should head out soon, but i'm not sure what i want to do today.. maybe i'll walk down to a park and read or something?!

at any rate, i am having a wonderful time avec jackiekins!! we went to new york, where i also got to hang out with the wonderful vina, who is as lovely as always. it's so good to catch up with old friends and be reminded of how much i care about them and how i need to be much better at keeping in touch; it would suck to lose someone like her. she showed us a lot of cool places in new york and we had yummy dinner and yummy drinks. we went to this club called misshapes one night - it's supposed to be indie and while there were "indie kidz," it wasn't really indie music. that's okay though, 'cause i was so trashed that i had a great time anyway. i danced with this one super hot person for awhile, including to DECEPTACON, which was pretty much a highlight. i also bought way too much stuff, but i don't feel too bad - most of it was books and pins and other things from a feminist bookstore.

i always learn something new about myself whenever i travel anywhere, but i'm not sure what i've picked up this time. i think one thing i've gathered is how important nature is to me. i didn't realize how important it is to me to live in a city that's pretty and clean. it's so nice to come back to montreal after being in nyc and not have dirt and piles of garbage everywhere. nyc was lots and lots of fun to visit, but i don't think it's a place in which i'd enjoy living. i'd miss cleanliness and, well, trees, way too much. i'm turning into a hippie, which is SHOCKING. i've also beeing smoking way too much pot, but i'm on holiday, so :D

okay, i'm going to change and head out and, uh, do something. i guess.

jem does le tigre!!!!!!!

psykokandy — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 04:52:53 GMT

**edit: ooops, i had the wrong video there before!!

psykokandy — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 06:22:02 GMT

sonic, a local radio station, has this "venue" they call "the axe music listener lounge." artists come to play intimate, acoustic sets with about 50 people who can only win tickets to get in. guess who won herself a pair of passes to see her husband on friday. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

man, my matt good luck is usually phenomenal - i won tickets to see matt good band on top of grousse mountain in 2002, in addition to winning passes to see them give an interview the day the audio of being released in a vancouver station.

i think i should get started on making my husband some samosas.

:)

ps. talked to the boy today - we're going to be penpals!! i hope we actually keep in touch and not just SAY we'll keep in touch. aiee.

psykokandy — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 13:27:49 GMT

never. drinking. again.

psykokandy — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 07:02:02 GMT

i'm pretty happy. still. just spent two hours talking to my crush on the phone and we have a 'date' on friday. he's on the same page as me in being lefty, not scared off by my being a feminist, doesn't put himself down for not having post-secondary ed., and is just so so so cute and funny. ahhh i haven't had a crush like this in so long. it's nice to have something good to write about. i hope it works out. i don't want to jinx anything, so i recognize it may not.. but i want to acknowledge that i'm happy and i'm lucky and i want to record it because this doesn't happen to me often.

psykokandy — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 04:01:28 GMT

uhhhhhh, i'm so hungover. trying to catch up on correspondence, but it's not happening 'cause i feel so bleeeecchhhh.

drinking is bad, kids.

(and i wasn't even THAT pissed!)

i want to kill myself.

psykokandy — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 13:13:01 GMT

It's 6:11 a.m. I have to be up at 7:45 so I can leave at 8:30 to be downtown by 9:00 in order to be on time for this training I volunteered to take.

My doctor thought one of the medications I'm on is the reason I'm not sleeping well, so she switched it. I think she was wrong - my appetite is back and I'm NOT A HAPPY CHICKEN. The subject says it all, really.

L-Word spoilers

psykokandy — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 06:02:55 GMT

I don't know what I think about the new episode of The L-Word. I mean, I wrote about it in my "proper blog," but I don't like what I wrote and I think I've changed my mind, anyway.

One of the main things that bugged me was what they did to Shane. I mean, *yawn*. We know the story: asshole guy falls in love with girl, girl changes him in some way, guy realizes (I have to practice spelling things with a z again since that's what Canadian employers expect) he's more afraid of hurting girl later than now/realizes he still has a bit of asshole in him, leaves girl and goes insane with living up the hedonistic style, all the while remaining depressed as fuck. Tell us something we haven't heard. Hm, writing this out, I realize I haven't changed my mind on this.

And Bette & Tina. What the fuck? Not much has really changed from the last episode. I thought there'd be some drama. That said, the writers have done a brilliant job exploring the dissintigration of the relationship between these two - slowly, carefully, with just enough heartache and misery and betrayal.

And Jenny. Somehow, she's even MORE irritating now than she was in the las three seasons. Just when you think a person can't get more annoying...! That's not a fault of the shows, though - into every program, a character you'd like to kill falls.

Despite some of the negatives, I love this show. I kind of hate that I can't watch all of them at once. Sigh.

psykokandy — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 11:02:31 GMT

i'm so confused. when i apply to jobs, the ones that excite me most are the ones related to communications, not the ones related to advocacy. what the hell? i guess i'll talk to my career counsellor about this.

goddamn.

i'm still mulling the whole job thing over. one second, i want it; the other, i'm sure i can find something better. i do have this career counsellor & 50% wage subsidy - things are bound to look up, no? and there's this great communications posting with the provincial government... arrrrrgh.

psykokandy — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:04:11 GMT

I've been thinking about my new year's resolutions and how I don't normally do them. This year, though, I'm not following any sort of academic calendar (which is when I make resolutions since that's a "start" for me), so I thought I may as well make January 1st my "new year," along with most others in the Western hemisphere. So.

I've decided to be realistic. I was initially going to put something silly, like, "will lose 50 lbs," or, "will go to the gym 3 times a week," but let's face it: not gonna happen.

So, I'm thinking the following:

* Be easy on myself not beat myself up for being in the situation I'm in, but just working at getting out of it and always remembering that I'm lucky to have what I do and it won't always be so bad. I had a great time in university, relatively, and it's just some tough times right now.

* Apply to 2 jobs a week, at the very least. I won't apply to anything I don't want or am morally opposed to.

* Apply to at least one job a week that is outside of Edmonton.

* Write for at least 10 minutes every day.

I can keep those, right? Everything else kinda depends on having a proper job. I wanted to put, force myself to have new friends, or go to the gym, or be more active, but it's hard to do when doing shift work and just being so... down. so, once I get a job, I will do all those things because I'll have some sort of stability, which will be lovely.

psykokandy — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 03:01:50 GMT

the holidays were nice, but like everything seems to these days, they made me miss england. i tried to somewhat replicate the best christmas i had at my friend's place in ascott by making a full-blown 'festive' dinner: home-made eggnog, cranberry & goat cheese parcels, stuffed mushrooms, spinach & artichoke dip, 2 types of stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, parsnip & sage roulade (as the turkey substitute), roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast vegetables and a hearty supply of wine, bailey's & rum. yum, yum. it was nice to have the family there and gather and spend lots of time together (minus the bro, of course - i mean, he was there, but i wish he didn't exist). i was pretty spoiled: seasons 4 & 5 of angel to complete my buffy/angel collection, jpod (finally), gift certificate to boston pizza (?), movie passes, lots of jewellery from lucky looloo, the new postsecret book, aannnnd.. that's it. nice & spoiled. what i got everyone else seemed to go over fairly well, too. it is nice to have a chunk of time where everyone has time off work.

other than that... im missing jackie lots and my other friends who never lived in edmonton in the first place. one of my old friends from high school is in town for a few days and, after being back here for over a year, i'm finally seeing her on friday. she's irritating at times, but i'm happy to be seeing her.

chris isaak is coming to town. am i the only one who thinks that's kinda weird? not too weird, mind, but just kinda. i want to go, but can't seem to find out when tickets go on sale.

this, my friends, is how boring my life is. i don't have much to post, really. my mind is dead - waking it up seems to mean feeling sad, so i'd rather keep it dormant. for now.

hope everyone else had a nice holiday, too. and happy new year.

2007 will pwn.

(heh!)

psykokandy — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 09:20:42 GMT

i'm a major, major major idiot who made a major, major, major fuck-up. I see this career counsellor every once in awhile now and during our meeting today, she gave me a bunch of hand-outs to go through to help me in identifying my skills. She also gave me a little Alberta Labour Market workbook thing that I'm meant to bring in each session; kind of like a study guide.

So, I'm sitting at home tonight, watching TV, when I suddenly realise I don't have this book. "Hm, surely it's upstairs," I assure myself. Now, those of you who know me probably know that this caused a great deal of anxiety right then and there. I couldn't concentrate on the programme, I couldn't get rid of the low-level anxiety in my stomach. I trudged upstairs. Not near my purse. Not in my room. Not near the desktop. Not in the kitchen. Not in the living room.

There are places it could be: this store where I bought my cousin's birthday present; Second Cup; or the bus. fuuuuuuuuuck. I was doing so good, not having lost anything since July. But of course, I can't go more than 6 months without losing *something* important. It's just, this doesn't exactly give a good impression, does it? Doesn't exactly show I'm serious about finding work or that I'm even wanting to find new work. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck.

question!

psykokandy — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 11:26:53 GMT

this is just a small question for the people who have met me. if you had to classify my dress sense - my 'style,' if you will - what would you classify it as? (preppie, jock, hipster, etc...) i am merely asking your opinions to settle an ongoing disagreement i have with a friend on how to classify the clothes i wear, accessories i choose, etc etc.

hm!

psykokandy — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 08:13:02 GMT

something semi-interesting happened today. I was leaving work with this random (hot, gay) guy came up to me and asked me what my name was. I was a little perplexed, so I only answered slowly, with tripidation. And then he said he's noticed me at the call centre for awhile now and I'm just so quiet with my books and I look so sweet and he wanted to say hi for awhile. So he introduced himself and again repeated that I just look really sweet and told me to have a good weekend as I left. That was kind of nice :) That and the girl at Hidden Cameras who accosted me about my shirt and asked if I'd give it to her and started pulling on it (!?), teasing that she was going to rip it off.. That was interesting. Maybe I'm starting to look friendly again! :)

It's sad that those things are exciting landmarks in my week, but there ya go. Things are getting better, see? 2007 is going to be great. *nods*

psykokandy — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 08:13:28 GMT

I woke up to Guns N'Roses' "Don't Cry" today. I set my alarm to this "rock" station here and that's what blared through the speakers this ~~morning~~ afternoon. I was rushed back to grade 7, 8, 9.. Hell, even 10, 11 and 12. For a moment - but just a moment - I wished I was going to their show tonight. Then I remembered what they were like in San Francisco (read: the most BORING gig I've ever been to, right after the Strokes and just as lame as Franz Ferdinand's stint at Shaw Conference Centre).. And then I just felt kinda sad. I'm not so good at dealing with loss, even when it's just a fucking band.

On the positive front, I applied for a job I'd love to have and I think I have a shot at it because of this program I'm in. The career counsellor is even going to follow up with them on Monday to discuss!! How awesome would that be? The other good thing is that I'm apparently eligible for a line of credit from the bank.. So, if this job would require it (which I think it would 'cause it's a position as an educator, which usually means travelling to various places around the city), I could buy a car. I have to check if this program applies to jobs outside of Edmonton, too.. Hm.

I kinda wanna go downstairs and watch episodes of Eastenders THAT WE NOW GET BECAUSE WE HAVE BBC CANADA!!! :) :) :) :) :)

psykokandy — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 10:26:09 GMT

I saw the Hidden Cameras tonight and they were fantastic. Imagine the energy of a fantastic Manics show, but without the anger. It was interesting to have fun with music without any anger or depression. Very, very interesting. Some random girl even started talking to me about how she likes my top! I wasn't alone the WHOLE time! Interesting.

Also interesting (read: sad) is that I completely forgot about the Montreal Massacre. First time in a couple of years that it totally slipped my mind. I wrote about it on girlsinthecorner, but still.

i'm applying to a job with Planned Parenthood and the career counsellor was meant to go over my resume and cover letter and give me feedback today, but I haven't heard from her. I guess I'll have to try her tomorrow , even though the thing is due at noon (which she knows). I'm not angry or anything because I'm ridiculously grateful that a service like this exists (they'll check EVERY application i make AND pay 50% of my salary for the first 3 months of employment as an incentive for employers to hire me!).. It'd just be really nice to have her check it before I send it off; plus, she's meant to send me a letter to include with my application which details the programme to each prospective employer. I guess I'll get up early (read: 10a.m.) and give her a call to see what's going on.

my dog is barking in his sleep and it's the cutest thing ever. it's interesting because i've heard him bark less than a couple of dozen times throughout his lifetime, yet it's fairly common for him to do so in his sleep. hm.

THIS IS HOW EXCITING MY LIFE IS, PEOPLE!

psykokandy — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:35:48 GMT

i've finished all my Chrimbo shopping and it looks like I'll actually be able to pay it all off when the Visa bill comes!! WEEEE! I got random shit for most people, but I wanted to get my mom something really nice, so I splurged quite a bit and got her a bunch of Chanel stuff. I get my princess persona from her, so I'm pretty sure she'll like it. I'm a bit worried about the comic I got for my cousin - afraid that his parents will be pissed at me for getting it for him as it's a bit violent - but fuck it. If he gets scared, he can just put it away.. If his parents don't like it? Well, they already think I'm a bad influence, so I guess it won't get much worse. I doubt they'll take the time to really flip through it properly, so..! Actually, I'm kind of regretting the decision, but I know I can't return it or even exchange it. Maybe I'll just keep it and get him something else? :( MAN.

Ho hum, nothing of interest here. I have this career counsellor appointment tomorrow which looks promising. I guess we'll see. Some family friends have also offered to help me out a bit, so that's really good. One has a job opening at her human resources department, so that would make me mildly happy. I don't know, I guess I'm still deep in the rabbit hole. Still, all that would be better than a call centre.. except, it'd be much more permanent and fixed and just affirm how boring everything is.

blech.

smile!! :)

gotta get away from me

psykokandy — Fri, 24 Nov 2006 05:25:08 GMT

something is seriously wrong with me. i can't stop listening to offspring. :( :( :( (well, i can't stop listening to smash.) this album makes me pretty happy - it reminds me of being in grade 8, being in a huge fight with my then-best-friend and therefore being cut off from the rest of my 'friends.' i was in 'love' with someone online, so despite that bullshit, i stayed relatively happy. i listened to this album on my walk to and from the bus stop. i think my most vivid memory is being in the art room, cranking it up on my walkman (haha!) while finishing up a project during lunch hour.

"i'm not a trendy asshole! do what i want, do what i feel like!"

so, so lame and so, so.. obnoxious! and i even knew this at the time, but i still liked it. i just pretended not to in an attempt to be "cool" or something...? i don't know. i can't say i think it's "good music" or anything, but i can't stop listening to this album! argh!

blah blah. blah!

psykokandy — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 07:39:39 GMT

the most exciting thing that has happened to me in the last month or so is getting THE WORLD'S MOST BORING HAIRCUT!! argh, i'm so sad that my hairstylist left without so much as a word on where he was going to. he was the only person i ever trusted with my hair. it's irritating because it's so thin and curly & hard to do shit with, but dwayne always knew.. *sniff* anyway, i went to someone else the other day and the hair cut is fine, it's just... it screams, "hi, i work at a law office and i'm trying to be edgy," without using "edgy" with any irony. you know? it's sad.

i also took my doggy to the vet today. since my parents have been gone this week, i've had access to the car and had no dad telling me "there's no reason" to take him to the vet. it's my fucking money, so why not? i'm using the money i had budgeted for my dad's christmas present, so HAHAHA. ahem. it's a good thing i took him anyway, because he had some problems which are now about to be sorted out. I HOPE. he's such a cutie.

my tooth hurts. i hope this is not yet another cavity, though i have a bad feeling. must make dental appointment tomorrow.

things i need:

-mouth guard
-contacts

*sigh*