Psycho's Fanfic

The Very Secret Diary of Howard Wolowitz

psycholizard — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 03:49:45 GMT

Title: The Very Secret Diary of Howard Wolowitz
Spoilers: Mild spoilers, up to the end of Season 2
Rating: PG-13ish
Word Count: 513
Disclaimer: BBT is not mine. Nor is Howard. The Very Secret Diaries concept comes from Cassandra Claire who wrote the originals, which can be found here.
A/N: This is the Very Secret Diaries of Howard Wolowitz. It is completely OOC and AU. It also ties into the Very Secret Diaries of Sheldon and Penny. The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Sheldon Cooper can be found here. The Very Secret Diary of Penny _____ can be found here.

Day 6
Jane in Robotics slapped me today. Must be the cologne. Have heard it brings out animal instincts in women.

New guy at work named Raj. Hair looks really soft.

Am still a sexy beast.

Day 37
Have decided that cologne is not worth the hassle. Will try new hair conditioner instead. Wonder what brand Raj uses. Will have to ask.

Day 56
Ate lunch with Raj. He introduced me to Leonard and Sheldon. Suspect Leonard is gay and has a crush on Raj. Will have to warn Raj.

Day 59
Raj told me Sheldon and Leonard live together. Looks like Raj is safe from any advances made by ~~that horn rimmed nerdy bastard~~ Leonard.

Am still the sexy beast.

Day 69
Suspect Sheldon is not gay. Could cause problems if Leonard makes the moves on Raj.

Unless Raj wants Leonard to make the moves.

Wonder if Raj would mind that?

Day 72
Played paintball with Raj, Leonard, and Sheldon. Had awkward moment when I tackled Raj to the ground. Was only protecting him from enemy fire.

Realized in the nick of time that I was lying on his gun. Good thing I didn't say anything. Might have been awkward.

Day 105
Visited Leonard and Sheldon. They have a new neighbor, Penny. V. hot.

Btw, Sheldon def. not gay. Caught him looking at Penny's bum.

Day 112
Suspect Leonard is not gay and is developing a crush on Penny. Better not try anything, Sheldon will kill him.

In other news, touched Raj's hair. Don't think he noticed.

Am def. a sexy beast.

Day 135
Raj had feathered bangs today.

Day 188
Found three pairs of panties on the ground. Think they're Penny's. V. pretty. Took the cheetah and black lace. Left the purple. Too misshapen.

Day 189
Found out Sheldon stole Penny's panties. Can't return them. That would be awkward.

Suspect Sheldon of having weird panty fetish.

Day 201
Received questionnaire from Sheldon. Strange questions. Think he likes me.

Day 202
Sheldon fired Raj.

Maybe Raj will need comfort.

Still the sexy beast.

Day 232
Am confused by Leonard's sexuality. Caught him looking at Sheldon's bum.

Day 286
Leaving for Antarctica. Will be alone for three months with Sheldon, Leonard, and Raj.

Go me!

Day 319
Saw Penny getting dressed on webcam. Managed to hide before she saw me. V. hot. Cute bum.

Day 320
Think Raj saw me watching Penny. Might be jealous? Will have to investigate further.

Day 321
Was jealous.

Go me!!

Day 375
Think Leonard will need a new roommate. Will ask Raj if he can move in with us.

V. sexy.

The Very Secret Diary of Penny ______.

psycholizard — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 23:04:40 GMT

Title: The Very Secret Diary of Penny _______
Spoilers: Mild spoilers, up to the end of Season 2
Rating: PG-13ish
Word Count: 513
Disclaimer: BBT is not mine. Nor is Penny. The Very Secret Diaries concept comes from Cassandra Claire who wrote the originals, which can be found here.
A/N: This is the Very Secret Diaries of Penny ______. It is completely OOC and AU. The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Sheldon Cooper can be found here.

Day 18
Today is my birthday. Kurt bought me roses. Told him I wanted a laser recalibration instrument instead. Am thinking of breaking up with him but am too horny.

V. pretty today.

Day 20
Kurt bought me a laser pointer. Apparently doesn’t understand sarcasm. Informed him he is an idiot then broke up with him.
Pints of Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream consumed: 0.47 Status: still horny

Day 24
Found new apartment across the city. V. nice. Need to find guy with higher IQ then a poodle.

Day 37
New neighbors: 2
Tall neighbor def. has IQ higher then a poodle. Showed me his “white board”. I think that’s nerd talk for “I want to rip your clothes off and take you on the sofa.” Could be mistaken. Better not assume.

Am V. horny.

Day 42
Pints of Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream consumed: 0.63 Prospects: 0 Clothes: intact
Tall neighbor (aka Sheldon) impervious to my charms. Might he be gay? Met other two nerd friends, Raj and Howard. Def. gay.

V. depressed. V. horny

Day 49
Played Halo. Beat Sheldon. Called me attractive. Def. not gay.

Update: still horny, but really, really pretty.

Day 55
Displayed ample cleavage today. Sheldon did not jump me despite being not gay. Will have to rethink strategy.

Sexual frustration reaching new high.

At least I’m pretty.

Day 115
Panties stolen: 16 Panties retrieved from telephone wire: 14 Panties missing: 2
Purple panties are stretched. Suspect someone has been trying them on. Find this strangely erotic.

Damn it! Am now horny.

Day 150
Gave Sheldon present. Got hugged in return. Go me!!

Day 159
Raj and Howard definitely gay. Think Leonard might be gay too. Caught him looking at Sheldon’s bum.

Still have not been jumped by Sheldon. Am still horny. Checked the mirror, am still pretty. Perhaps borrowing Raj’s hair conditioner might do the trick?

Pints of Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream consumed: 0.9

Day 160
Used conditioner. No effect. Hair is v. smooth and silky though.

Day 182
Think Sheldon is making moves. Gave me questionnaire with strange questions. Unsure, will display cleavage and see what happens.

Day 183
Prospects: still 0
Displayed cleavage. No result.

Still unsatisfied. Still pretty.

Day 187
Caught myself looking at Howard today. Yuck. Am not that horny.

Besides, Raj will kill me if I tried anything.

Day 213
Found out Sheldon is going to Antarctica. Will invest in webcam. Might be interesting. Maybe he’ll jump me before he leaves?

Day 223
Did not jump me. Am still horny. Will be a long summer.

Day 256
“Accidently” left webcam on while I changed into work uniform. Think Sheldon saw. Go me!

Day 257
Found out Howard saw. Am V. disturbed. Supermarket was out of Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream.

Day 258
Received rude email from Raj stating the irresponsibility of leaving webcam on while changing.

Will be putting cheap store bought conditioner in expensive conditioner bottle when he gets home. Ha!

Day 311
Boys come home tomorrow. Maybe Sheldon will rip my clothes off.

V. horny.

Day 312
Clothes: ripped

Yay! Go me!!

The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Sheldon Cooper

psycholizard — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 03:40:27 GMT

Title: The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Sheldon Cooper
Spoilers: Mild spoilers, up to the end of Season 2
Rating: PG-13ish
Word Count: 332
Disclaimer: BBT is not mine. Nor is Sheldon Cooper. The Very Secret Diaries concept comes from Cassandra Claire who wrote the originals, which can be found here.
A/N: These are the Very Secret Diaries of Sheldon Cooper. It is completely OOC and AU. Am working on a sequel and will post if reception to this one is positive. The Very Secret Diaries of Penelope _______.

Day 34
New roommate Leonard leaves much to be desired. He whistles. Specifically stated in ad that whistlers need not apply.

Still have not won Nobel Prize. Am the smartest

Day 97
New friends: 2. Names: Raj and Howard.
Leonard still whistling. Am contemplating the creation of a new roommate contract.

No progress made on the Nobel Prize but still the smartest.

Day 102
New friends: 0. Nobel Prize: 0
Thus far, not a promising day.

Day 389
Blonde girl moved into the apartment across the hall. V. hot. Think Raj and Howard might be gay.

Nope, no Nobel prize.

Day 401
Blonde girl has a name. Penny. Kinda cute. Have decided to make my move. Will let her win Halo. Expect kisses when she beats me.

Still smartest, but no Nobel.

Day 402
No kisses. Might she be gay too?

Day 430
Met 15 year old prodigy. Told me I am not the smartest. Will show him.

Day 432
Showed him.

Am still the smartest. Go me.

Day 467
Hung Penny’s underwear on telephone wires. Have discovered she is V. hot when mad.

Hope she doesn’t notice I stretched the purple pair.

No prize, no kisses.

Day 502
Today gave Penny hug. Did not receive kisses. Am V. frustrated. Will have to rethink strategy.

Still no Nobel Prize.

Day 511
Raj and Howard definitely gay. Think Leonard might be gay too. Caught him looking at my bum.

Still no prize.

Day 514
Leonard not gay. Caught him making out with Stephanie.

Day 534
New friends: 1 Nobel Prizes: 0

Must fire existing friend to make room for new friend. Will drop hints in questionnaire to upgrade Penny to “girlfriend” status.

Day 535
New friends: 0 Girlfriends: 0 Kisses: 0 Nobel Prizes: 0

This sucks.

Day 565
Nobel Prize: 0 Kisses: 0
Have decided absence makes the heart grow fonder. Am going to Antarctica. Am hoping for kisses on return.

Am still the smartest, thank God.

Day 654
Kisses: 1

Go me!!

psycholizard — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:41:33 GMT

Fandom: The Big Bang Theory

Pairing: Penny/Sheldon

Spoilers: From the beginning of the series up until Season 2 Episode 13: The Friendship Algorithm.

Disclaimer: I do not own the television series, the network, or the actors. If I did, this pairing would be a lot more prominent within the series. Having said that, I am deeply grateful to the writers for giving us, the fans, such an awesome show to love and play with.

Sheldon: I need your help in a matter of semiotics.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols as a branch of the philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, honey, I know you think you are explaining yourself, but you're really not. (S01E5 The Hamburger Postulate)

In the world of sitcoms, The Big Bang Theory is set apart by being not only funny, but highly intelligent as well. It doesn't rely on cheap gimmicks and obvious ploys to get a few laughs, but rather on the complex relationships and interactions between the characters, which are among the most creative seen on basic cable. Recently awareness has been drawn to an unlikely pairing within this universe. While the writers insist on drawing attention to the increasingly unlikely, not to mention unappealing, pairing of Leonard and Penny, fans are being drawn to the undeniable chemistry and hints of attraction of Penny and Sheldon. We love Penny for her tenacity and we love Sheldon for his adorable awkwardness. More then that, we, the fans, love them for what they bring to the show when they're onscreen together.

...why I love [it] is because Sheldon and Penny both seem to be growing and evolving as people because of EACH OTHER. - arabian

I don't know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this good at a videogame. (Sheldon in S01E7 The Dumpling Paradox)

Penny is a beautiful waitress and struggling actress that moves into the apartment across from two super geniuses, Leonard and Sheldon, following her break up with her boyfriend of four years.

A self-declared 'big ole 5' on the relationship aggressor scale, she rebounds easily and will have 36 hours bouts of meaningless sex with random men she picks up. Penny quickly forms an unlikely bond with the duo and their two friends, Raj and Howard, providing a socially competent and outgoing counterbalance to their geeky tendencies. She is a social person and enjoys spending time with her friends, whether it's dancing with the girls or playing Halo with the boys, and finds the idea of Saturday night wasted 'more than a little sad'. It is a well known fact that Leonard has had a crush on her since the beginning of the series, culminating in a single date at the end of season 1. However, their brief relationship ended and there has thankfully been no further progression since, mostly owing to Penny herself.

Sheldon: (asking Penny not to think of Leonard as a sexual partner) I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you ...
Sheldon: Whatever works. (S02E6 The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem)

Sheldon Cooper is a theoretical physicist with a Masters and two PhDs. He is highly intelligent, with an IQ of 187 something he often feels needs to pointed out to others. A former child prodigy, having graduated high school and started university at a young age, becoming a visiting professor to Germany by age 15. His parents, not quite sure on how exactly how their cuckoo bird of a son came to be, tried to give him a normal childhood by hosting birthday parties and gifting him with a dirt bike, but Sheldon was never interested in these things and often regards them as "traumatic". Sheldon displays many common signs of Asperger's syndrome, such as social incompetence, lack of empathy, inflexibility in his schedule, verbosity, and literal interpretations of urban slang. As well, he exhibits signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, such as the need to knock on Penny's door three times while saying her name three times, the need to arrange his cereal by fiber content and a preoccupation with hygiene.

Oh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.(Sheldon in S01E4 The Luminous Fish Effect)

Every person has their own opinions. However, as every true scientist knows, it is the hard, factual evidence that lends credence to a theory and turns a hypothesis into fact. So now I present my favorite part of the manifesto: episodical evidence. I am not actually sure if episodical is a real word, but for the purpose of this essay it fits and therefore I'm using it. The evidence is huge and overwhelming, so I have compiled a list of what are, in my opinion, the best Sheldon/Penny moments in The Big Bang Theory universe. This list is by no means comprehensive or complete, nor does it include samples from every episode. These are simply the best and the most obvious that come to mind.

1x1 Pilot:

Personally it was all the little look up and down's they both do - really look at the Pilot again where Sheldon is showing Penny his board. Seriously there is some EYEFLIRTING. It was so weird! - thelymachy

In this episode, Penny and Sheldon meet for the first time. It is clear from the outset that Sheldon is reluctant to be introduced to the pretty new girl across the hallway, yet despite his stubborn personality, he allows Leonard to drag him along. Shortly after their introduction, we catch our first glimpse of the chemistry between Penny and Sheldon when she enters their apartment. In a somewhat flirtatious and coy manner, Penny questions Sheldon about his whiteboard, asking him if he's one of those "beautiful mind genius types". Seeing the playful banter between them, Leonard jealously points out his board to Penny, hoping for the same type of attention that she was giving Sheldon. Unfortunately for Leonard, it was not as forthcoming. One must also point out that when Sheldon tells Penny she's sitting in his seat, she again begins to playfully flirt with him, saying he can sit next to her. In my opinion, the writers did a far better job flirting with the relationship between Penny and Sheldon than they did with Leonard and Penny.

1x2 The Big Bran Hypothesis:

I love how in the pilot Penny seemed to like Sheldon and then he cleans her apartment and well, she doesn't like him so much anymore - irrel

The Big Bran Hypothesis begins to show us the tension and banter between Penny and Sheldon that we have come to love so much. It also establishes some of Sheldon's more annoying tendencies, namely his need for order. After helping Leonard deliver some furniture to Penny's apartment, Sheldon is overwhelmed by the mess he sees within. He is compelled to sneak into her apartment later that night, while she is sleeping, in order to "implement a new organizational paradigm". Penny is, quite understandably, upset when she wakes up the next morning and realizes what he has done. Leonard forces Sheldon to go and apologize to Penny for what he did, which Sheldon does with much reluctance. But why would someone like Sheldon allow himself to be forced into an apology? We've seen enough of his behaviour to know that he is stuck in his ways and holds fast to his opinions when he believes he is right. Does he simply apologize out of friendship, or is there a deeper reason why? Perhaps all the blatant eye flirting in the previous episode got to him. Just something to think about.

1x7 The Dumpling Paradox:

Sheldon saw and acknowledged how attractive Penny is. Asexual, my buttocks! - arabian

This episode contains what is, in my opinion, one of the golden moments of Sheldon and Penny. When Howard gets distracted by a girl from Penny's past, the guys find themselves short one player on Halo night. Preferring to not be in her apartment with Howard and his new paramour, Penny volunteers to join the game, and following several of Sheldon's usual derisive comments, thoroughly kicks Sheldon's ass. This leads to Sheldon's declaration that she's cheating because, after all, no one could be that attractive and that good at video games. This leads us to question whether or not this was a simple off the cuff remark or, perhaps, a Freudian slip.

1x11 The Pancake Batter Anomaly

Oh my, he IS annoying. And adorable at the same time! How can she resist him?- irrel

I rank this episode number two among my top five favorite television episodes of all time, directly following that brilliant season 4 episode of Lost, The Constant. Why do I rank it so high up? Number one, it clearly shows that despite their constant banter and arguing, Penny truly does care for Sheldon. Otherwise, why would she waste time driving him home from the restaurant and rubbing Vaporub on his chest? I believe she does this because he is so pathetically annoying when he is sick, that she can't help but feel some measure of sympathy. The second reason I rank it so high is because the writers left us with an interesting idea. Why did Sheldon mention the idea of a sponge bath to Penny in the first place?

1x15 The Pork Chop Indeterminancy

If nothing ever happens between Sheldon and Penny I'm gonna cry. Seriously. Too much greatness wasted - mellita8

The Pork Chop Indeterminancy certainly has its quality Penny/Sheldon moments, but it is included in this list for one reason only: Pennys quality bonding time with Sheldon's sister, Missy. They seem to get along quite well and one can only hope Missy sees Penny as a 'suitable mate' for her socially awkward twin brother.

1x16 The Peanut Reaction

They have no patience for each other, but yet they put up with each other in a totally fun and bizzarely cute way. - sellega

There is no doubt that the writers intended this episode to be a sweet Penny/Leonard episode. After all, what could be sweeter then Penny throwing a surprise birthday party for the geek with an everlasting infatuation with her?

Penny and Sheldon planning the surprise party, for one thing. Penny and Sheldon shopping for a birthday gift at the local computer store, for another. In actual fact, this episode does a superb job in showing viewers how Penny and Sheldon would act, were they a couple. From the way Sheldon answers the door of her apartment when Howard and Raj show up to the way Penny pushes Sheldon out of the computer store so that they're not late, they are all very telling habits that easily recall the sociological paradigm of 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. And let us also not forget that Sheldon allows Penny to fall asleep in his spot on the couch while they're waiting for Leonard to show up, nor should we forget how he curls up and naps in the chair beside her.

2x3 The Barbarian Sublimation

We've seen now that Penny herself can get just as crazy as Sheldon can, and be just as stubborn. - chunkeymonkey81

The Barbarian Sublimation is rife with Penny/Sheldon interaction right from the beginning straight on though to the end. It opens with Sheldon being interrupted from his computer game by a frustrated Penny who is unable to open the door to her apartment. When she breaks down and begins crying in the hallway, he awkwardly comforts her and invites her into their apartment to wait for a locksmith, providing a glimpse of the affection Sheldon could hold for her. The next scene we see of Sheldon and Penny involves them sitting on a couch with Sheldon leaning quite close into her, teaching her how to play Age of Conan. The banter between them has lost some of its sting and can be described more as "friendly" than "biting". Let us also not forget the jealousy in Leonard's voice as he asks to be caught up with this new occurrence. It is not, in fact, the only time we see Leonard jealous of the pair. There was also the scene wherein Penny sneaks into Sheldon's bedroom for help with the game. While this event is special in and of itself (after all, Penny is in Sheldon's room), it is the sexual nature of the conversation Leonard overhears that pushes this scene into the shipping lanes. Can the writer's really not be aware of what they have done? Can they not be aware of how it appears to outsiders when Penny calls Sheldon at work (much like a girlfriend might, and how did she get his work number anyway?) and blows off other men in favour of talking to him? I think not.

2x6 The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

Penny/Sheldon have fire, sweetness and a quirky charm! One of the best couples on tv today! - selphiealmasy8

I include this episode because of the golden scene in which Ramona, the new grad student who has expressed and interest in Sheldon's work, accuses Penny of having a crush on Sheldon. Penny certainly does not agree with Ramona's assessment, but neither does she vehemently deny it either. In fact, it is this author's opinion that she seems rather gleeful when Ramona is thrown out of Sheldon's apartment. We must also remember how Sheldon pleads with Penny to save him from Ramona's clutches. It is the pleading that turns this from a Sheldon/Penny-lite episode into one we shippers can happily drink to.

2x7 The Panty Pinata Polarization

It's something I call the Han Solo/Princess Leia Effect, lol. No one else manages to get them quite as riled up as each other. - sugah66

There is no example of the love between our two favorite characters more clear then the constant arguing that ensues the moment they step into a room together. Penny begins spending a lot of time at the guys’ place after her cable is cut. However, after Sheldon bans her from the apartment for a series of petty infractions (touching his food, sitting in his spot, and sending him email humor), Penny hits back by taunting him at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon goes to the extreme of hanging her laundry from a telephone wire outside the apartment, leading Penny to get her revenge using Sheldon's Kryptonite--his mother's phone number. Sheldon's mother calls him and forces him to apologise to Penny, which he does in the most contrite, sweet way possible. One can only imagine what his mother must have said to him. Of course, the premiere moment comes when Sheldon acknowledges that it was "well-played". It is this author's opinion that any such interaction between these two characters is "well-played" by the writers.

2x11 The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis

There have been a lot of weird pseudo-romcom situations with Sheldon and Penny this season - melanierain

Oh Saturnalia, how we love thee! If only for the wonderful episode you brought us! True, Penny buys Leonard a Christmas gift as well as Sheldon, but it's the thought that counts, right? I'm certain we can all see who Penny thought of more. Unfortunately, seeing the gifts beforehand left Sheldon with an obligation to buy Penny one in return, so he drags Raj and Howard to the mall to choose an appropriate present. While in the store, he asks the store clerk if the particular gift he has chosen suggests friendship, colleagues, or more then friends, lovers perhaps? Lovers? Where did that come from?

Upon opening Penny's gift, which turns out to be a napkin autographed by Leonard Nimoy, he feels he is unable to truly pay her back. In fact, the only true payback is an awkwardly sweet hug.

It's a Saturnalia miracle!

2x13 The Friendship Algorithm

I think not only the writers noticed Sheldon's popularity, but his chemistry with Penny's character. It's pretty hard to ignore. - chunkeymonkey81

In this Sheldon/Penny lite episode, Sheldon makes everyone fill out a friendship questionnaire. While this in and of itself is not shocking (it is Sheldon after all), the fact that he includes Penny in his group of friends might be surprising to some. After compiling the results, he tells his friends he has to let one of them go. Penny assumes it will be her because she's not as smart as the others, but Sheldon assures her she's staying and it is Raj who is let go. It is interesting to note that Sheldon never actually gives Penny a reason why she remained in the group. One can only assume it is for a reason other than her intellect, as it would be difficult for anyone to compete with multiple-degree holding geniuses. But if it's not her intellect, then what is it? Her good looks? Her sense of humour? Her social intellect? I propose Sheldon opted to keep her in the group because she is one of the few individuals that openly challenges him and will not back down when he argues. Unlike his other friends, she openly defies his ordely system and brings change into his life. Perhaps Sheldon has begun to see that change just might be a good thing. Especially if it comes in the form of a cheesecake scented goddess.

Penny: Get anything good?
Sheldon: Just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't! (S01E9: The Cooper-Hoftstadter Polarization)

...that's how you know your show is not like the others: the underdog is the popular one and the shippers of the canon are the ones with reasons to complain - mellita8

As I conclude this manifesto I feel it is necessary to sum up why Penny and Sheldon are the unofficial OTP in The Big Bang universe. Penny and Sheldon work on so many levels because they are not perfect. They argue and bicker. Penny will always sit in Sheldon's seat, despite knowing he hates it. Sheldon will always knock three times on Penny's door to ask her advice or to drive him somewhere. But Penny and Sheldon, despite their quirks, do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company. They like to banter, not because they don't like each other, but because it is who they are and this is what makes it so wonderful. We the fans like them because of the chemistry, the witty dialogue, and the feeling that when Penny and Sheldon are in a scene together, all is right in the universe of The Big Bang Theory.

It's like some weird kind of comic book crossover.(Raj in S02E3 – The Barbarian Sublimation)

Here's a few resources to help you navigate the world of Sheldon and Penny, as well as The Big Bang Theory.

The Sheldon/Penny livejournal community: The site that originally drew me to the Sheldon/Penny verse. I don’t know how I stumbled upon it, but I will forever be grateful I did. There are some great resources on the site, including video clips and screenshots.

community.livejournal.com/Sheldon_penny

The Sheldon/Penny Fanfiction community: Is it surprising that the only Big Bang Theory community, thus far, on fanfiction.net is dedicated to Penny and Sheldon? At the time of this writing, greater then 50% of the stories on The Big Bang Theory archive are dedicated to this couple.

http://www.fanfiction.net/community/Sheldon_Penny_The_Paradox/65847/

The Sheldon/Penny Fanfiction forum: Recently started, this forum is for the discussion of all things Penny and Sheldon. It also is the inspiration for the name of this essay.

http://www.fanfiction.net/forum/Paradox_A_PennySheldon_Shippers_Forum/55628/

The Big Bang Theory on CBS: The official website. Lots of great episode info, forums, and photos.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/

The Ten Song Paradigm

psycholizard — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 02:10:52 GMT

Title: The Ten Song Paradigm
Spoilers: None
Rating: PGish
Word count: 1761
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: We have all heard of the ten song meme. Set your player to shuffle and write fics about the first ten songs that play. Well, I may have cheated a tad, because obviously these flow together a bit too well. But I hope you enjoy!!!

The Killers - Glamorous Indie Rock N Roll (4:17)

Sheldon couldn’t concentrate. The sound emanating from across the hall was far too distracting for him to complete any sort of work. Huffing in frustration, Sheldon stood up and with a purposeful stride, walked out of his apartment to the one across the hallway.

Knock knock knock

“Penny.”

Knock knock knock

“Penny.”

Knock knock knock

“Penny.”

Penny opened the door, a huge smile gracing her face, the god-awful noise some called ‘music’ blaring away in the background.

“Could you please turn off that noise?” Sheldon asked, quite exasperated.

“Um, let me think,” Penny smirked up at him. “Nope. Having too much fun. You should try it sometime.”

“Try listening to a veritable smorgasbord of instruments with no discernible rhythm or melody at a decibel likely cause deafness? Unlikely.”

“I meant you should try having fun.” With that Penny shut the door in Sheldon’s face.

He was certain she turned the music up as well.

Aretha Franklin – Respect (2:29)

Penny took a box and threw all his clothes that had accumulated in her apartment, his razor, a few CDs that had migrated over from his place, and the teddy bear he had given her for Valentine’s Day. Then, picking up the box, she stomped over to the apartment across the hall and waltzed in.

Sheldon looked up from his computer desk and watched in interest as she threw open the window and tossed the box out, shouting expletives at who he assumed was her now ex-boyfriend.

“You know what your problem is, Penny,” he said when she had quieted down. “you need to find a man that respects you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m beginning to think those men don’t exist.”

“Don’t be silly, of course they do. After all, I hold you in the highest regard.”

Savage Garden – Crash and Burn (4:42)

She supposed she first realized it when he loaned her the money. It kind of hit her then and as she started thinking back over there relationship, she realized the signs were all there.

It was in everything he did for her. The way he let her sit in his spot, even though he complained loudly about it. It was in the way he carefully and precisely taught her how to play Age of Conan when she was cried about not being good at anything. It was in the way he hugged her after she gave him his Christmas gift.

Sheldon liked her. Sheldon, the asexual, unfeeling, scientist, actually cared for her.

It was in the little things he did. His quirks and idiosyncrasies that used to annoy her but now endear her. It was the way she could go to him and always get an honest opinion. It was the way they bantered back and forth.

Sheldon cared for her and now she was realizing just how much she cared for him in return.

The Tragically Hip – Courage (4:27)

Sheldon was nervous. He had never been nervous before. Well, there was that one time when he was 14 and presenting his Master’s thesis to his supervising professor. He supposed he had felt something akin to nervousness then, but it hadn’t been this bad.

Taking a deep breath, he took on last look at himself in the mirror, straightened the collar on his shirt, and walked out the door to the apartment across the hall.

As he knocked on her door, he reflected on the fact that he should have known entering into a bet with Penny would only end in disaster, as this night surely would.

He felt his throat go dry as she opened the door and smiled at him.

“Relax, Sheldon. We’re just going out dancing. Not like it’s a date or anything.”

Right, it wasn’t a date.

So why did he feel so nervous?

Kate Ryan – Ella Elle L’a (3:05)

Penny still couldn’t believe she had actually convinced Sheldon to come dancing with her. It had taken some careful planning as she unashamedly took advantage of his lack of social knowledge and competitive streak as she planned a bet she would no doubt win. But the result was worth it.

He actually wasn’t that bad of a dancer, especially once she had gotten some alcohol in his system to loosen him up. He wasn’t the smoothest dancer, but he moved in rhythm to the music and that was good enough for her. She laughed as she realized that this was the most fun she had had in months, and it was with her awkward geeky neighbor.

Sheldon couldn’t actually believe he was out dancing with Penny. He saw her laugh, no doubt at his awkward dance move, and came to the realization that this friendship was changing rapidly.

He also realized as he watched her smile and move in time to the music, that this was change he didn’t mind.

Depeche Mode – Enjoy the Silence (4:22)

She really doesn’t know at what point it all changed. All she knows is that one day they were friends and the next day they weren’t.

She hadn’t expected it to hurt this much. But then again, it was Sheldon, so what did she expect. He had about as much social grace as an elephant in a herd of baboons.

He had just shown up on her door with that annoying knock and stated that they could no longer be friends. She hadn’t known what to do so she just shut the door in his face. She couldn’t deal with it.

She didn’t want to.

She managed to avoid him for three whole days before it got the better of her. She missed playing Halo and Age of Conan with him. She missed Thai night. She missed sitting in his seat.

But he didn’t want that anymore. And damned if she was going to just let it all go without a fight.

Of course, when she confronted him about it, she really wasn’t expecting him to say they couldn’t be friends because he wanted them to be more.

Massive Attack & Portishead – Teardrop

Sheldon wasn’t expecting Penny to kiss him. In fact, if someone had told him this morning that at precisely 5:47pm his neighbor would waltz into his apartment, into his kitchen where he was preparing dinner, stand on her tip-toes and kiss him directly on the lips, Sheldon would have merely stated the mathematical odds were not in favor of that happening. That she should continue kissing him until he lost track of the time was also a highly improbable occurrence.

This is why the look on his face when it did occur was something akin to complete shock.

When she pulled away and smiled up at him, the only word that ran through his mind was ‘beautiful’. He realized he said this out loud when he saw her blush deeply.

Three hours after she walked out of his apartment, he swore he could still feel her lips on his. He of course knew this to be preposterous but the sensation was there.

It was like feathers.

The Killers – Somebody told me (3:17)

Leonard couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Had someone merely told him this was occurring, he would have laughed out loud and stated how outrageous it was. But now the evidence was quite literally splayed out in front of him.

Penny and Sheldon were sitting on the couch in what appeared to be a very amorous lip lock.

He felt light headed. This was Penny. His Penny. With his supposed best friend. Leonard didn’t even know Sheldon was capable of interacting in a romantic way with the opposite sex, much less making out on a couch with them.

Leonard turned around and walked out the door. He needed to breath and to think. Both of which he couldn’t do while in the room with the oblivious pair.

Stolen – Dashboard Confessional (3:53)

“I believe it is time for us to change the boundaries of our current relationship paradigm. I think we should move in together.”

“…”

“It is only logical. After all, I spend most nights here anyways. It seems like it would be more convenient if we shared our living space.”

“...”

“Do you not want to live together? Because there would be many other benefits as well, such as shared rent.”

“…”

“I’ve made a list of all the pros and cons. You may review it if you like.”

“…”

“I’m quite at a loss to understand why you haven’t spoken yet. Is the idea wholly unappealing to you?”

“No, that’s not it at all. It’s just, this is a big step.”

“I am fully aware of that. However, if things continue as they are going, it is an inevitable decision we will have to make.”

“Why do you want to live with me?”

“I already stated several of the pros, Penny.”

“No, I mean, if you could just have one reason why, forget the lists, forget the logic. What would your reason be?”

Penny held her breath as she waited for his response.

“I love you.”

Led Zeppelin – Heartbreaker (4:14)

It had been ten years since the last time he saw her. Ten years since she packed her things and moved out of the apartment across the hall. Ten years since she had, in the words of his mother, ‘broken his heart’.

Of course, she didn’t know this. She didn’t know that on the day she had moved out to go live with her latest boyfriend he was preparing to tell her how strong his feelings for her had become and how he wanted them to give their relationship another try.

Instead, the sight of a dozen cardboard boxes had stopped him short and he hadn’t said anything.

He supposed he could walk up to her in the grocery store and say hello, but really, did he want that kind of heartbreak again?

He watched as a little brown haired boy stood on his tip toes, trying to reach the cereal on the shelf.

Then he watched as the taller man with them reached up and grabbed it for them.

“I really don’t know why you allow him to eat this sugary cereal. It has no nutritional value at all. It is highly illogical,” he heard the man say.

“Sheldon, sweetie, he likes it,” he heard Penny reply.

Leonard turned around and walked out of the store without saying hello to his former best friend and his wife.

The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (5/5)

psycholizard — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 20:09:45 GMT

Title: The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (5/5)
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Word count: 478
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: A series of drabbles concerning what the boys saw.
A/N: Thanks so much to my awesome beta, bluefate! She is the best and this fic wouldn't be what it is without her help.

She had kissed Sheldon.

Why had she kissed Sheldon?

Sure, they’d been spending more time together recently. They’d had a lot of fun, too. He might be annoying as hell sometimes, but other times he could be really sweet. So long as they were doing something they both enjoyed, that is.

But just because they shared popcorn, ice cream, and watched endless hours of Firefly doesn’t mean she should kiss him.

Except that she already did and it was too late.

She kissed him.

Sighing, she plopped onto her couched and closed her eyes. Why couldn’t she have a successful male friendship? She always did something to screw it up. It didn’t help that the guys she usually attracted were dumb jocks. They took one look at her and thought she was a stereotypical blonde and an easy lay. It’s hard to be friends with a guy when you sleep with him. It’s even harder when you meet his girlfriend the next morning. It didn’t matter though because most guys weren’t interested in being her friend any more then she was interested in being theirs.

That is, until she met her four nerds. They were smart and there was little chance of her dating any of them (well, except for that whole Leonard thing which she preferred not to think of). And none of them had girlfriends to get jealous.

Things were great.

So why had she thought kissing Sheldon would be a good idea? She hadn’t thought that was the problem. She woke up in his lap and saw the way he was watching her. She saw the way he watched her as she stretched and the look on his face when she talked to him. She didn’t know what had possessed her to do it, but she had this indescribable urge to see what it would be like.

Who was she kidding? She knew what had possessed her. It was the same thing that had possessed her to find his most ticklish spot.

She liked him. Really liked him.

A sharp rap on the door interrupted her thoughts.

Rising from her spot on the couch, she walked over and opened the door.

“Sheldon,” she said in surprise.

She watched as opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again. She watched him do this three times.

“Look,” she said, placing a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken you by surprise like that. I know you weren’t expecting it and you probably didn’t want me to kiss you, so…”

Sheldon’s mouth covering her own interrupted what she would have said next.

Neither of them saw the three guys staring at them from the stairwell.

Nor did either of them see Leonard drop the Thai food on the floor in shock.

In fact, they were far too busy to see anything at all.

The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis

psycholizard — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 01:57:45 GMT

Title: The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (4/5)
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Word count: 445
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: A series of drabbles concerning what the boys saw.

Sheldon was perturbed and preoccupied.

Perturbed because earlier that week, Leonard had approached him and asked ‘what was up’ with him and Penny. The ludicrous implication of the statement forced Sheldon to conclude it was ‘sarcasm’ and he responded in kind. However, the serious expression that remained on Leonard’s face following Sheldon’s heartfelt chuckle indicated that it was not, in fact, any form of sarcasm, but rather his roommate was quite serious. He then decided that Leonard was paranoid and seeing things, so he had deigned not to respond.

Instead, he decided to rewatch the movie Penny had brought over the previous day. She had made some interesting comments concerning the personal lives of the actors off-screen and he wanted to see how it influenced their overall performance.

The following day, when Raj asked him the same question, he chuckled again and inquired whether or not he had been speaking to Leonard. After seeing Raj’s confused expression, Sheldon told him he was quite delusional and needed to get a CAT scan. Not giving it any more though, he had returned to a very interesting article in Physics Quarterly on Guage-gravity duality. There was a certain familiarity about the article, almost as though he had read it previously but obviously he hadn’t. Otherwise he would have picked up on the glaring flaws in the author’s theory the first time around.

The final straw came when Wolowitz waltzed in and asked whether or not he had found Penny’s ticklish spot. Sheldon had a few choice words for the shorter man, leaving him speechless and wide eyed before asking him to leave.

Sheldon still didn’t understand the strange expression on Howard’s face when he asked him on the way out what had happened to his nose.

Yes, Sheldon was perturbed but he was also preoccupied.

He was preoccupied by the blonde girl that had fallen asleep on his lap during a Firefly marathon. As he shifted his position to one more comfortable, she turned over and looked up at him.

“Hey,” she whispered sleepily.

“I’m sorry, I did not mean to wake you with my movements,” he responded. Penny sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

“It’s ok,” she replied. “I should get back to my apartment anyways.”

Nodding in agreement, Sheldon watched as she stood up. He watched as she stretched and as the little tank top she wore rode up, exposing her midsection. He watched as she smiled down at him and he felt himself smile back.

Then he watched as she bent down placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

He also watched, completely speechless, as she quickly rushed out the door.

Mercy - another fanvid

psycholizard — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:43:10 GMT

Hey everyone! I made another video. It's set to Mercy by Duffy. Enjoy!

Mercy from Psycholizard on Vimeo.

The Tickling Equation

psycholizard — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:42:42 GMT

Title: The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (3/5)
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Word count: 231
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: A series of drabbles concerning what the boys saw.

Howard Wolowitz was a man of the world, a real ladies man. He prided himself on the fact that he could unclasp a woman’s bra in 2.6 seconds, provided the woman was sufficiently drunk enough to not know the difference between him and Brad Pitt. Yes, Howard Wolowitz knew what women wanted (which was, of course, his delectable body), and he set about giving women just that. He was a man who knew things.

Plus, he had a Master’s degree in Engineering.

None of which aided him in making any sense of how or why Penny and Sheldon were currently sprawled out on the floor giggling like two individuals recently escaped from the insane asylum.

Correction, Sheldon was sprawled out on the floor. Penny was straddled on top of him, pinning his wrists above his head.

“Hey Howard,” Penny managed to get out through her breathless laughing. “Did you know Sheldon’s ticklish?”

For a brief moment, Howard was stunned into silence before he quickly recovered himself.

“No, but if you want I can show you my ticklish spots,” he replied with a dirty leer and a waggle of the eyebrows.

Later that afternoon, as he nursed his bloody and broken nose, he reflect on the fact that one thing he should have known is that Penny was perfectly capable of throwing a shoe at him from that distance and not missing.

The Penny-Sheldon Hypothesis (2/5)

psycholizard — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 13:28:36 GMT

Title: The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (2/5)
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Word count: 254
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: A series of drabbles concerning what the boys saw.

The pretty girl and Sheldon were sharing ice cream.

Sheldon and Penny.

Penny had a bowl of something resembling Rocky Road and they were both eating it.

Raj watched in shock as Penny took a spoonful out of the bowl and then offered it to Sheldon. He watched, mouth hanging open and eyes wide, as Sheldon opened his mouth and allowed Penny to guide the spoon in without even looking up from the issue of Physics Quarterly he was browsing.

Raj took a step back and surveyed the entire scene before him. Sheldon was in his seat, a sight not so unusual. What was unusual, aside from the whole ice cream eating thing, was the way Penny was sitting beside Sheldon. She was curled up, feet tucked under her, and legs bent toward and slightly resting against the legs of the lanky nerd. She had one arm propped on his shoulder while she nibbled at the dessert in her other hand.

Raj watched as Penny continued to nibble and Sheldon continued to read. In fact, if Sheldon had not continued to take spoonfuls of ice cream when offered by Penny, Raj would have though he was completely oblivious to the blonde cuddled up beside him.

“Oh hey Raj,” Penny looked over at him, her eyes sparkling in the way only her eyes could. She held up the bowl toward him.

“You want some?”

With a quick shake of the head, Raj did the only thing he could think of.

He fled.

I wanna be your boyfriend

psycholizard — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 03:30:49 GMT

Here's a little Penny/Sheldon vid I made. First time vidder so please be nice to me!

Title: I wanna be your boyfriend
Music by: The Ramones
Created by: Psycholizard
Copyright: Don't own the music. Don't own the clips. Don't own Sheldon, Penny, or Joey.

Penny/Sheldon - I wanna be your boyfriend from Psycholizard on Vimeo.

psycholizard — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 16:38:27 GMT

Title: The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (1/5)
Spoilers: None
Rating: G
Word count: 247 according to Word
Disclaimer: Neither the Big Bang Theory nor Sheldon Cooper are mine. I dearly wish they were, but sadly I'm too poor.
Summary: A series of drabbles concerning what the boys saw.

Leonard tried to make sense of what he was seeing. He shook his head, blinked twice, and rubbed his eyes hard. But try as he might, the image he faced would not change into something more believable and less extraordinary.

Leonard desperately wanted to believe he was experiencing an intense auditory-visual hallucination brought on by excessive work hours. Or perhaps he had suffered a concussion while in the lab and this was merely a dream.

However, as he surveyed the scene before him and quickly calculated all the possible variables, he knew this to be a false supposition.

Penny and Sheldon were sitting together on the couch watching a movie. Sheldon sat in his usual spot, and Penny sat beside him, a sight not so out of the ordinary. Both had their gazes fixed on the flickering television, which again was not unusual.

What was unusual was the bowl of popcorn perched in Sheldon’s lap.

A bowl they were both eating from.

Leonard watched as Sheldon’s hand dipped into the bowl and snatched a pieces of popcorn. He watched Sheldon’s hand brush against Penny’s as she too reached in for a handful. He watched Sheldon calmly eat the popcorn without launching into a diatribe concerning the presence of potentially harmful bacterium residing on a person’s unwashed hand.

Leonard didn’t know what he should do or if he should do anything at all. So instead he said the first thing he could think of.

“Hey guys, what’s up?”

The Best Laid Plans - 7/7

psycholizard — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 01:19:40 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 7
Athor: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.
Author: Alright, so here's the 7th and final part to my little foray into the world of Rayne. Hope you all enjoyed. Thanks as always to my beta, Bad Karma.

Final part here

10 little ficlets - Mal/River

psycholizard — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:56:57 GMT

Title: Ten little ficlets
Fandom: Firefly
Pairing: Mal/River (of course)
Rating: Pgish for most of the fics.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Not that I don't want it. Unfortunately, I'm not that rich.
Author's note: So I've seen this fic floating around in various places and I thought I'd give it a try. It seemed like a fun thing to do, and as I'm trying to get back into my writing after a long absence, this seemed like good practice.

The Meme:

1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle.
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it’s over. No lingering afterwards!
4. Do ten of these, then post them.

Requiem for a Dream – Orchestra version

She knew what had to be done. There was no doubt in her mind. They saved her so many months ago. Now she must save them, save her family. Simon, Inara, Zoe, Kaylee, Jayne.

Her Captain.

Now it was her turn.

“My turn.”

She ran towards the fray, legs pumping hard beneath her, carrying her to the chaos waiting. She would not go quietly into the night. She would not let them, her family go quietly in the night.

She would fight for them. She would do what she had been trained to do, but would do it on her terms, for her own people.

One, two, three. Then she must jump. It had to be perfect or they might all die. She sized up the opening as she ran and then she was there.

In the middle. In the chaos.

Simon’s bag.

Close the door.

Now fight.

One, two, three. Turn, fight, twirl, down, metal clashing against metal, flesh tearing. Blood pouring.

Her opponents were tangled and snarling, no doubt thirsty for the taste of her flesh. But they would not get it. No, she would fight. This is what she did, after all. This was what they trained her for.

They trained her to kill.

So now she did, but on her own terms. For her own life. For their life. For her family. Now and always, she would fight for them and not her creators.

One, two, three. Chaos chosen. Chaos vanquished.

Doors open.

They are safe until the uniforms come. She will kill the uniforms, for the sake of her family. They will not be caught. Not by the chaos, not by the order. They will live their life free.

“Stand down.”

Must she? Her Captain is there, before her.

“Stand down.”

She sees his eyes. She sees his fear. She is not his fear. She will not be his fear. And so she relaxes.

She looks at him and he looks at her. There is no fear. There is only family.

Her family is safe.

Anyone Else – Juno soundtrack

“You’re not quite right, you know.”

“That’s the popular theory.”

Mal smiled down at the young girl before him. She was so young, so naïve, but not as innocent as she would have them believe.

She was beautiful.

River looked up at her Captain. He was innocent in more ways then he would let on. But he was strong and his strength carried her through her hard times. Simon would hate it, but one day all she would need would be him.

He watched as she smiled back up at him. The stars lit up her face and gave it a glow unlike anything he had seen before.

It was either the stars or the freedom.

She was like him in many ways. She needed the Black and what it brought.

Had the EVA suit not been in the way, this would have been the perfect moment to brush a stray hair, real or imagined, from her forehead.

Woman in Love – Bon Jovi

Mal had had his fair share of girls. Young girls and older ones. Experienced and not. Rich, poor, gold diggers, and innocents. You could even say he had loved a few of them.

One thing he thought knew, there was nothing better then when that girl loved you too. Didn’t matter if she loved you for your money (he did have some once) or your looks. Didn’t matter if she loved you for body or your charm. It was always better when she loved you for something and he took advantage of that.

Yep, before the war Mal had a lot of girls alright. But after it all ended, he needed a woman.

See, the difference between a girl and a woman is that she loves you for you. Didn’t matter that he didn’t have money anymore. Didn’t matter that he fought for the losing side. Didn’t even matter that he wasn’t exactly what one could consider romantic. Because if that woman loves you then you can move the whole ‘verse for her.

His daddy always said that when he finally met a woman, he should scoop her up and settle down with her. Girls are a dime a dozen, but a woman is a diamond.

The day River fought the Reaver’s for her family made him realize something. River wasn’t a girl anymore, she was a woman.

See, Mal had a lot of girls, but the moment he saw her sitting in the cockpit of his ship, setting a course for the Black, he knew River was the woman for him.

Bed of Roses – Bon Jovi

Mal sat on a barstool, nursing a hard drink while the rest of his crew was enjoying their night out. He was alone but not by choice.

No, his choice was currently being swung around the dance floor by a boy not even worthy of her glance. He had half a mind to go up to the couple and cut into the dance, but he was too drunk to stand up much less dance the night away with a girl half his age.

He was too drunk to do what he really wanted to do.

Not that he didn’t want to. It was all he had been thinking about and it was what made him want to get drunk in the first place. The realization that she was what he wanted but could never have was too much so he reached for a substitute. The hard liquor was a poor mistress, but she would have to do.

He watched as the boy leaned in and whispered something into her ear. He watched as she tilted her head back and laughed, her expression joyful. He watched in pain and wished it was him that put the smile on her face but he knew it never would be. There were lots of reasons. He was too old and too weary. A mean and hardened criminal.

But the reality was that he just wasn’t good enough for her.

Knocking back the rest of his drink, he pushed himself away from the bar and stumbled outside in a drunken haze. Somehow he made it back to the ship in one piece and stumbled into the common area where he collapsed on the couch.

A sound in the doorway made him look up and he saw River standing there, watching him with a sad look on her face. She had followed him out of the bar.

“What happened to whats-is-name?” he slurred. River just shrugged.

“Tha’s good,” he said. “You should go to bed. I’s late.”

River nodded and turned, pausing slightly to look at him.

“Would have said yes,” she said quietly before she left. Mal quickly sobered at her statement.

He could have had her tonight but now it was too late.

Last Kiss – Pearl Jam

It wouldn’t happen like this.

It couldn’t happen like this.

He won’t let God do this to him.

She was the best thing that happened to him and now she was slipping. Why? Why didn’t she see this? How could she let this happen?

Why did he insist on bringing her here? She didn’t want to go and he should’ve taken that as a hint. Why didn’t he insist that they stay on the ship?

Why did God let this happen tonight of all nights?

Tonight was supposed to be special. He had it all planned out and had done it all secretly so she wouldn’t know.

He looked up from his position on the floor. The man standing above him had a gun pointed at his head. Wordlessly, Mal handed over the precious stone to him.

He watched as the man added it to the loot his posse had lifted from the people in the restaurant. He watched as the ring he had just placed on River’s finger was stolen by the man who had killed her.

Hey There Delilah – Plain White Tees

Hey there River,

Hope this letter finds you well. I got that picture you sent me of you and the baby. She sure has grown and is lookin’ more like her mama every day. I’m so proud of both my gals.

I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too. But I know Simon and Zoe are taking good care of you and our daughter. It’ll only be a few more years before I get outta this joint and then we’ll be together.

The boys here laugh at me, but I think they’re secretly jealous that I gots such a pretty girl waiting for me on my ship.

I love you and I can’t wait to see you. Two more years, sweetheart.

Your husband, Mal
225-7649E
Osiris Federal Penitentiary

Can I Go Nowhere With You – Joel Plaskett

River frowned. She was bored. Kaylee was with Simon. Jayne was polishing his girls. Zoe was engaging in grief therapy with Inara.

Mal popped into her peripheral view.

“I say you and I go do something.” River cocked an eyebrow.

“Ain’t saying it has to be much,” he continued. “But unless I’m mistaken, you ain’t doing much and neither am I. This planet’s too pretty to be doing nothing unless you wanna do nothing together.”

River didn’t answer. She simply regarded her surroundings and nodded once.

A few hours later, they stumbled back onto the ship. River’s frown had turned into a smile and she was laughing heartily at a joke Mal had cracked.

“Wanna do something another time? Go somewhere else?” he questioned, taking her hand and smiling down at her.

“How about we go nowhere and do nothing?” she replied as she stood on her tip toes and tilted her face toward him. Mal leaned down and gently brushed his lips against hers.

“I like going nowhere.”

Long, long time ago – Javier Naverette (Pan’s Labyrinth soundtrack)

The darkness was a comfort. The others didn’t understand it. They thought she was hiding, but she wasn’t.

She didn’t want to be alone but she had no choice. The dark calls unto the dark.

The light shone into her dark corner and a face came into view.

“Hey there, River,” Mal’s strong voice broke through her reverie.

Whimpering, the girl buried her face into her hands. She wanted the dark. It was a comfort after all the horrible things she had done.

She wanted the dark because she was dark.

But he always insisted on bringing in the light.

A hand stretched out, reaching for her, pulling her away from the darkness.

Pulling her into the light.

Simple Man – Lynard Skynard

He loved the Black. He loved his ship, even if she was kept together with spit and glue. He believed in justice and doing what was moral, even if he didn’t always do what was right.

He believed in what his mama always told him. Fight and fight hard for what he wanted. She told him to take his troubles as they come to him. She told him to live a good life and go after what he wanted.

“Son,” she told him. “You know what you need to do. Go and do it. Don’t matter what others say, you gotta do what the good Lord has called you to. And after you’re done, go and get yourself a woman. Settle down with her, raise some babies, and live the life that you want to live.”

Problem was, he didn’t know what kind of life that was.

He thought he would never be finished fighting. Thought he would always be going after another job, trying to find another way to get back at the Alliance. Never thought he would be content and happy.

Fact is, he didn’t much like himself after the war. Didn’t like what he had become. Didn’t like losing his faith. Didn’t like losing his mama. Didn’t understand all that had happened in the ‘verse. So he thought he didn’t deserve the kinda life his mama talked about.

He watched River as she sat on their bed, gentle singing to their unborn child. It still amazed him that she loved him, even with all he was. He was a complex kinda guy, after all.

“You’re not complex,” River’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “You’re everything your mama wanted you to be.”

Moon River – Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Henry Mancini)

He watched her dance, floating like a butterfly across the cargo bay. She was so beautiful. So graceful.

Without thinking, he stepped out from his hiding place by the door and moved in front of her. She stopped in surprise and looked up at him.

He reached down and took her hands in his. With a light motion that betrayed previous teaching, he began to twirl her around the room.

She was an angel, beautiful and serene as she looked up at him. He gazed down and became lost in her brown eyes. Without thinking, he stopped waltzing her around the cargo bay and instead they both swayed softly to the silent song.

Enjoy!!

The Best Laid Plans - 6/7

psycholizard — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 23:41:58 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 6
Athor: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.
Author: Here you go! It's been three months since I last updated this fic, but here it is! This is the second last part of this fic.

Part 6

A quick note in the midst of a busy life....

psycholizard — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:11:55 GMT

To everyone who keeps an eye on my journal (which, albeit, is a very few number of individuals):

Have no fear! I have not abandoned my stories. I am preparing to move continents and have discovered that this task is, in fact, quite monumental. Not only do I have a myriad of appointments with my bank, my doctor, the Travel Clinic (apparently I am in danger of contracting yellow fever if I'm not immunized), but I have also discovered that culling down my belongings so they fit in two suitcases plus a carry-on is a daunting task.

I think I am just about ready to have the mother of all garage sales.

In fact, over the past few weeks I have discovered a number of items that I didn't even know I owned. Among them are:

a ratty cowboy hat (I prefer to view it as having "personality")
a shoe rack (this could hae been useful had I known it existed)
a painter's easel
a fish tank

Also, I am quite proud of the fact that I have managed to cut my wardrobe down to 1/3 of its previous size and have gone from 32 pairs of shoes to 11, a number which might decrease further still depending on suitcase space.

While I mourn the loss of all of these items, evidence of my hardwork and money spent throughout the yea.rs, it is strangely liberating to know that I can fit my life into two suitcases and a carryon.

So, having said all that, I anticipate the return of my stories sometime in the summer after I have crossed continents and set up shop in my new city

The Best Laid Plans - Part 5

psycholizard — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:25:26 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 5
Athor: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.

Inara stood impatiently by the docks on Beaumonde, her bags piled around her feet and a look of annoyance plastered across her face. She was frustrated, upset, angry, not to mention very put out.

They were nearly two hours late.

Mal had sent her a wave yesterday telling her the approximate time Serenity would land on Beaumonde and the berth where they would be docked. The time had come and gone, the berth was still empty, and Inara was still waiting. She had tried to raise them on the cortex twice, but to no avail. She received a busy signal every time she tried to patch a connection through so she eventually gave up. Now she was alone on the docks with no sign of Serenity anywhere.

With a heavy sigh, Inara looked up and down the street, almost expecting to see Mal and his merry band of brigands walk up and inform her that she had been waiting all this time in the wrong area, but it appeared there was no such luck left in the universe. Instead, she was left to wait among the smog and grime, forced to listen to the inane ruckus of a thousand vendors peddling their wares amidst the bright lights and advertisements lining the streets.

Honestly though, what did she expect from Mal? She wasn’t even sure the man owned a timepiece. He’d be late to his own funeral if Zoe wasn’t there to keep him on track.

A light tug at her dress drew her attention downward. A young child with grime smeared across his face peered up at her, his big brown eyes peeking out from underneath the dirt.

“Want some sugar cane, miss?” The child smiled and held up a bag of the hardened sweet. “For you, I give good price.”

“How much is a good price?” Inara knelt down so she was eye level with the child and smiled kindly.

“Good price for you is 3 credits, miss,” the child replied without hesitation. Inara knew it was far too much for the product, but the sight of the child’s ratty clothes and messy hair garnered enough sympathy, which was undoubtedly part of the young beggars plan. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out the necessary credits and handed them to the little boy.

“Here you go, er tong.” Inara smiled as the boy handed her the sugar cane and scampered off into the crowd, proudly grasping the credits between his chubby fingers.

Inara looked down at the sweet in her hand and sighed as she stood. Picking up her bags, she lifted a hand and hailed a portering mule. Within minutes, a mule stopped beside her and the driver jumped out.

“Where to, ma’am?” the man said as he hoisted her bags into the back. Inara climbed into the passenger seat folded her hands delicately in her lap as the driver climbed in after her.

“Take me to the Shangri-La Hotel, if you please,” she replied. The driver nodded once and set off. Inara took a deep breath and tried to quell her feelings of frustration over being forgotten by the one man who could incite anger in her simply by not being there. Malcolm Reynolds would just have to wave her when he landed, whenever that might be as Inara was unwilling to wait one more minute for him. However, had the Companion waited a few more minutes, she would have seen a familiar Firefly circling to land.

*****

Mal stood on the ship’s ramp overlooking the Beaumonde docks as he peered into the crowd for any sign of Inara. Serenity had been late to the rendezvous point, a fact that Mal was quick to point out was no fault of his own. He couldn’t help it if the Alliance patrols saw the need to inspect so-called ‘suspicious’ ships of interest. It wasn’t his fault that Fireflys were notorious smuggling ships and that the Alliance felt the insatiable need to stick their noses in the business of well-meaning, law-abiding citizens.

Well, almost law-abiding.

Mal sighed and rubbed his temples in tired frustration. Inara was no where to be seen and had no doubt taken off as soon as she saw they weren’t there. Gorram impatient woman. Sometimes he wondered why he put up with her, but even as that thought crossed his mind he knew the answer.

“Something wrong, sir?” Zoe asked as she walked up beside him, wincing as Mal let loose a long string of curses.

“That woman isn’t here,” he replied.

“I assume you mean Inara,” she responded, resting her hands on her hips.

“Who else can make me upset simply by not being here?” Zoe carefully schooled her expression to hide the smirk that threatened to rise. Unfortunately, she was not as successful as she had hoped to be and Mal’s scowl deepened when he saw the upward curve of her lips.

“Well, in her defense, we were held up nearly two hours by the interplanetary border patrol.” Mal glanced over at his second in command.

“That’s not the point, Zoe,” he replied. “She should have waved us. Let us know where she was gonna be.”

“You were on the cortex with border patrol for two hours, sir. Maybe she tried to wave us.”

“Whose side are you on anyways?” Mal turned and glared at Zoe.

“No side, sir,” The second in command raised her arms defensively. “Just making mention of the facts.”

They stood in silence for a moment, both watching the lively scene facing them before Zoe spoke up again.

“Sir, do you really think this so-called plan of Kaylee’s is everything Jayne says it is?” she questioned. Mal sighed and folded his arms over his chest, resting his chin on one hand.

“You don’t think it is?” Mal skillfully avoided answering the very question that had been bothering him since his conversation with the mercenary. Zoe shrugged, mirroring Mal’s stance before carefully responding.

“I’ve had my doubts, sir,” she replied. “Especially considerin’ River’s odd behavior as of late.”

“You mean near her somewhat jealous outburst whenever she’s in the presence of Kaylee and Jayne?” Zoe nodded silently.

“I think we’ve had the same doubts, Zoe.” Mal stared straight ahead into the swarming mass of people, before turning his gaze to his sidekick. “Think maybe there’s more to this plan then meets the eye.”

“So what do we do about it, sir?”

“Haven’t figured that part out yet. Maybe talk to Inara, see if she can find out anything. If she ever gets here that is.”

“I’ll go see if I can raise her on the cortex.”

Zoe turned and walked back inside the ship, leaving Mal alone to his thoughts.

“Gorram woman.” he muttered to no one in particular as he turned, following Zoe back inside the ship.

*****

River sat alone on the bridge staring out the window into the street below. She wasn’t focused on anything in particular, but was enjoying the bustling scene down below and the flashing advertisements that lit up the street. The commotion of the Beaumonde docks was soothing in a strange and distracting way since watching the movement kept her mind of her present woes.

Woes that currently involved a certain mercenary and her former best friend.

River sighed and hugged her legs against her chest. She had hoped Inara would be onboard by now, giving her some advice on how to deal with this new dilemma but it appeared the Companion was no where to be found. Now she had no one to talk to. She couldn’t discuss this issue with Kaylee, since involved her directly and Simon was of no use anymore. She supposed she could talk to Zoe, but she didn’t know what the soldier’s response would be. She would either keep her confidence or go straight to the Captain with the information.

No, Inara was the best choice for discussion, except she wasn’t here. It appeared as though River had to figure out her feelings on her own, a task she had hoped to avoid for as long as possible.

“River, I need you to try raise Inara,” Zoe marched onto the bridge, interrupting River’s moment of self-pity. River frowned and sat up straight in the pilot’s seat.

“Shangri-La Hotel?” she questioned. Zoe nodded once and leaned up against the console.

“Better make it quick, too, or the Captain’s liable to shoot something. Or someone.” River covered her mouth with one hand in an attempt to suppress a giggle as she tried to make a connection to the hotel Inara had been staying at.

“Shangri-La Hotel.” A man’s friendly face flashed onto the screen.

“Can you tell me if Inara Serra has checked out?” Zoe leaned over and asked. The man pulled up a computer and quickly scanned the contents on his view screen.

“May I ask who is inquiring?” The man asked without glancing up from the readout.

“Her registered transport, the Firefly Serenity.” The man gave a low hum then finally looked at the two women positioned in front of the screen,

“She checked out nearly three hours ago, but has recently returned. I will patch you through to her.” The man on the screen abruptly pushed a button and the monitor went blank. Seconds later Inara’s face came into view.

“Zoe, River,” she smiled as she acknowledged the two women sitting on the bridge. “I was getting worried.”

“We were held up by border patrol,” Zoe explained as she folded her arms across her chest. “Couldn’t help the delay. Captain’s a mite worried you weren’t at the pick up point, though.” Inara rolled her eyes.

“Tell the Captain I’m ready for pickup whenever you are,” Inara responded. Zoe nodded and left the bridge, leaving River alone with the Companion on the viewscreen.

“Alright River, I don’t have to be psychic to know something’s bothering you,” Inara stated with a kind smile. “You seem awfully quiet and withdrawn. Is something wrong?”

“Yes,” River sighed without elaborating further. Inara raised an eyebrow as she looked at the young pilot.

“Do we have a lot to talk about when I return to the ship?” Inara questioned. River folded her legs under her and nodded silently.

“Then I’ll see you soon,” Inara shut off the cortex feed, once again leaving River alone on the bridge to watch the bustle of the Beaumonde docks.

*****

Within hours, Inara was back on board the ship busily unpacking her bags inside her shuttle. As frustrating as Mal could be, she really did love this ship and it felt good to be back on board. She was drawn to the calmness of the Black and there were times when she felt she understood Mal’s love of space.

Inara’s thoughts were turbulent as she carefully folded and hung her many dresses, smoothing out the silky material as she went. Why did Mal have to make things so difficult?

“I see you finally made it on board.” Inara looked up as Mal intruded into her private thoughts and sanctuary.

“And I see you haven’t learned to knock,” she retorted as she continued her unpacking. Mal sauntered in and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Made me wait over two hours,” he replied as he leaned up against her dresser.

“So did you,” Inara quickly returned.

“Weren’t no fault of mine, as I’m sure Zoe already explained.”

“Is there a reason for your visit or did you just stop by to harass me?” Inara was exasperated. Why did it seem as though the Captain was completely incapable of having a normal adult conversation?

“There is actually,” Mal’s expression was sober as he walked over and sat down on Inara’s settee, propping his feet onto a nearby footstool. “Seems something is wrong with my pilot. She hasn’t been herself lately. I know folks think I don’t see things like that, but if it affects the smooth running of my ship, then I take notice.”

Inara sat down beside him, her hands folded delicately in her lap, her posture graceful and perfect.

“You want me to find out what’s wrong?” she questioned, conveniently leaving out the detail that she already knew something was bothering the pilot. Mal nodded.

“I won’t tell you what she tells me in confidence,” Inara continued.

“Don’t need to know,” Mal replied as he stood up. “Just need to know if it’s gonna affect the running of my ship on a long-term basis.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Mal.” Inara watched silently as Mal left her shuttle. Sighing, she leaned back against the cushions. She had a strange feeling that things onboard this ship were going to get very interesting. Now all she had to do was find River for that long awaited discussion.

</div>

The Best Laid Plans - Part 4

psycholizard — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:50:25 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 4
Athor: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.

Simon stood alone in the med bay obsessively counting out his tools and organizing them on the tray. The Captain had just booked another job and if Simon was right, which he usually was, he would need all of his equipment to be in order and easily accessible as soon as the job was completed. He also needed time to think about the strange turn of events his life had taken.

Unfortunately, he was so caught up in what he was doing that he didn’t hear River pad silently into the infirmary, nor did he hear her approach him very quietly and stand behind him.

“What are you doing, Simon?” Simon jumped backwards at the sudden voice in his ear and clasped a hand over his chest in an overly dramatic fashion.

“Mei mei,” he said in a breathless voice. “You startled me.”

Rivers face broke out into a wide grin at his reaction before she quickly sobered. Simon noticed the sudden change immediately and moved closer to her.

“River, what’s wrong?” he asked. Tenderly, he reached out and brushed her hair out of her face. His fingertips brushed lightly across her cheeks and when he pulled his hand back, he saw that they were wet. Tilting her face up slightly, he noticed her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were moist.

“River, have you been crying?” A note of deep concern tinged Simon’s voice and his protective older brother nature began to emerge. River’s lower lip quivered and she took a shaky breath as she shook her head.

“No,” she said quietly, her eyes brimming with unshed tears and her nose red and runny. Ever since she was a child, River had never been able to hide her tears, especially from Simon. When they were younger, he would tease her and say that it was because she looked funny when she cried, like a puppy that someone had left out in the rain for too long. As they grew older, River took solace in the fact that her brother always knew when she was upset, even when their parents did not.

“River,” Simon replied affectionately. “I know when you’re upset and have been crying. Now tell me what’s bothering you.”

He gently took her hand and led her over to one of the metal stools standing in a corner to sit down. Pulling up another stool, he sat down across from her, gazing at her intently. River looked away, trying in to avoid his gaze, but all her attempts were in vain. With a move only a brother could pull off, Simon tilted her chin so she looked directly at him.

“Fine,” River crossed her arms with a huff and leaned as far back on the stool as she could without falling off.

“I saw Kaylee and Jayne sitting together in the engine room,” she sighed.

“And?” Simon prompted. River huffed in frustration and rolled her eyes. Honestly, her brother could be so thick in the skull sometimes.

“And they were talking,” she replied as though this were the most obvious thing in the ‘verse. Simon smiled to himself and tried, in vain, to contain a chuckle.

“Like we are now?”

“No! Not like we are now! Like fluff and cuddles and warm thoughts!” River knew she was babbling, it was a habit of hers when she became excessively frustrated like she was now.

“River, do you need me to get you anything?” Simon asked gently. River shook her head vigorously.

“No, no needles, no medicine,” she answered as she put her hands on either side of her head. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, locating her inner place of calm. Within the span of a few minutes, during which Simon was seriously beginning to doubt his own sanity as well as his sister’s, River was able to find her place of zen and relax enough to tell her brother what was bothering her.

“Kaylee was sitting beside Jayne and he had his arm around her,” River finally managed to say. She was certain her brother would understand now and put a stop to the nonsense that was occurring on board this ship. He was after all her brother, and dense as he might be, he loved Kaylee. She was sure of it. Simon sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“River I think there’s a bigger issue at hand here that we need to deal with,” Simon replied.

Maybe he didn’t love Kaylee as much as she thought he did.

“Were you spying on Kaylee in the engine room?” he asked. River raised an eyebrow and pursed her lip. Simon held in a smile at the indignant look she shot him.

“Not the point,” River replied as she folded her arms across her chest. Honestly, why couldn’t her brother just understand? He could be such a boob sometimes.

“No, I think that is the point, mei mei,” Simon answered. “Everyone has a right to privacy without having to worry about a certain impish little pilot crawling through the cooling ducts watching them.”

River fidgeted nervously while Simon continued his lecture.

“I know you’ve worked very hard to build and maintain your psychic boundaries during the past few months. I’m very proud of the control you’ve able to obtain. But you need to respect people’s physical privacy as well as their mental privacy. Did you eavesdrop on Kaylee’s and Jayne’s thoughts as well as their conversation?”

River rolled her eyes and sullenly shook her head.

“Mei mei, I’m touched that you’re taking this to heart,” Simon continued in a more tender tone of voice. “But Kaylee and I are adults. We can work through our own issues. I really don’t see what you’re so concerned about, but if it would make you feel better, I’ll go talk to Kaylee and see if there’s anything I need to be concerned about.”

River nodded silently while she played with the hem of her shirt.

“Alright,” Simon planted a kiss on her forehead as he stood to leave. “Now, no more spying, promise?” River nodded once and looked away as Simon left the medbay. He paused momentarily by the doorway and glanced back at her still sitting on the stool.

“Mei mei, are you certain of the reason you were bothered by what you saw?” he asked. River looked up at him and opened her mouth to speak, and then promptly shut it. Without waiting for her to answer, Simon left, leaving River alone to her thoughts once again.

*****

On the other side of the ship, Jayne Cobb was also alone with his thoughts. Little Kaylee had left him a while ago to finish some repairs in the underbelly of the ship and seeing as Jayne had no desire to be in the area the septic tank was housed, he opted to stay above deck. He had wandered around the ship for a while, dropping by the cargo bay for a quick work out and the mess hall for a snack before he eventually wound up in his bunk. Unfortunately for him, time alone meant time to think and that meant thinking about her. The crazy psychic gun-toting genius of a pilot. Strange how his mind always seemed to wander back to her. It was like he was a gorram teenager again.

Sighing heavily, Jayne flopped down on his cot and stared up at the ceiling. He was more than fairly sure that River had been up in the cooling ducts during part of his conversation with Kaylee but he just wasn’t certain how long she had been there for.

Groaning, he rubbed his face with his hands. He definitely hoped she had missed the beginning of the conversation because that would be all sorts of embarrassing. Resting an arm on his forehead, he let out a low chuckle.

Girl was sneaky, that’s for sure. It wasn’t until he had sat down in the corner with Kaylee that he had spotted a pair of big brown eyes peering down from behind the grating. But since she hadn’t made her presence known, he hadn’t said anything. The whole time him and Kaylee chatted, he was aware of her presence, but if she knew it then she had didn’t show it. Instead, she stayed there for the duration of the conversation until Kaylee cuddled in close and he put an arm around her. Then the girl had left abruptly and that struck him as sort of odd. He was still mulling it over in his mind as to why she left so quickly, but he just couldn’t figure it out.

She knew he only thought of Kaylee as a sister, didn’t she? She was a mind reading genius after all, so she should know what he felt. He wasn’t used to dealing with psychics. Too much trouble to be worth it, in his opinion. There was never any privacy and your thoughts weren’t your own.

A brief thought flickered through his mind that he should just sit down and talk to her, but as soon as it came, it went. There was no way he was going to pour out his heart to l’il crazy. She’d probably tear a strip offa him. Either that or she’d go tell the Captain and her brother, who’d probably want to space him.

No. He would conquer this. He’d fight it and he’d beat it, just like he did with everything in his life. He was a mercenary after all, and mercenaries didn’t give in to their feelings.

They got rid of them.

</div>

Heart of Darkness - Chapter 9

psycholizard — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 12:40:20 GMT

Title: Heart of Darkness
Author: psycholizard
Rating: PG13
Warnings: violence, some swearing, non-graphic torture
Summary: Sequel to "Time and Space". River is kidnapped by a psychopath named Sylar. In order to rescue her, the crew of Serenity needs the help of Peter Petrelli, the only man in the 'verse who knows exactly who they're up against. Meanwhile, a psychic bond between Mal and River surfaces, which could have deadly consequences for our favorite Captain. Mal/River.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be. All hail Joss.

“River!” Simon pushed his way through the crowded street frantically calling out for his sister. She was there! He had just seen her. Where was she? There were too many people. Too many people keeping him from getting to her. From rescuing her.

Didn’t they know she needed him?

“Get out of my way!” He yelled at the people blocking his path. He craned his neck, vainly trying to see over the crowd. He caught a glimpse of River’s dark hair through the sea of people, but as quickly as he saw her, he lost her again.

"River!” he yelled again as he was carried away by the crowd.

“River!” he called her name again, hoping to catch her attention.

River turned and looked at him, her eyes empty and devoid of any feeling. She stared at him. Her gaze penetrated his soul and scratched at the surface of his mind, like an itch that he couldn’t reach.

“River!” he screamed. But then she was gone.

Simon sat up in bed panting heavily, his body drenched with sweat. He ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his eyes.

A dream. It was just a dream.

The steady hum of the ship’s engine connected him to reality as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat on the edge. He felt the cool metal of the floor beneath his feet, a reminder of where he was.

“Bao bei?” Kaylee sat up sleepily and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Simon, what’s wrong?” Simon shuddered and took a deep breath.

“It’s nothing, Kaylee,” he replied after he had caught his breath. “Go back to sleep.”

“It’s not nothing,” Kaylee responded. “Did you have a nightmare?”

Simon shrugged off Kaylee’s embrace and stood up. In a swift movement, he pulled on his shirt and walked over to the hatch.

“I said it’s nothing,” he said as he climbed up the ladder, leaving Kaylee alone and confused. Fighting back her tears, she drew the blankets up closer and lied back down on the bed. Taking a trembling breath, she wiped away a few tears that managed to escape and buried her head in her pillow.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

With a sigh she finally let go and sobbed into her pillow.

*****

Jayne sat alone in the mess hall, polishing his guns. The smooth back and forth movement calmed him and right now he needed all the calm he could get.

Two weeks.

Two weeks they had been floating out in this god-forsaken stretch of Black with nary another living soul to be seen, cept what was on this boat and two of those were near ghosts anyhow, far as he could tell.

It was all downright unsettlin’.

Jayne glanced up as Zoe walked silently into the mess hall and pulled a mug out of the cupboard above the sink. He watched as she poured herself a drink and leaned up against the counter, losing herself to her thoughts as she sipped at the beverage.

“Something interestin’ Jayne?” she asked, an eyebrow raised and her expression tight.

“Nope.” Jayne quickly looked back down at his guns and picked one up. His grip on the weapon faltered for a moment as he glanced back up at the woman still standing by the sink.

“How much longer we gonna be out here, Zoe?” he questioned. His usual strong voice tinged with apprehension and something else Zoe couldn’t quite identify. Placing her cup on the countertop, she crossed her arms and took her natural strong stance before she answered his question.

“Until we find what we came out here for,” she replied but that wasn’t a good enough answer for Jayne. He’d been through a lot in his lifetime before finally finding a crew he could call family. But as far as he could tell, continuing on in the direction they was going was suicide.

“And how long is it gonna be until we find it? Folks are getting a mite tetchy round here,” he asked, his guns forgotten on the table in front of him. Zoe sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“I don’t know,” she replied, her strength faltering. The past two weeks had been hard on everyone and the cracks were starting to show. “I just can’t give up on them. Mal wouldn’t give up on any of us.”

“I ain’t giving up.” Jayne leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. “Hell, I ain’t ever been with a crew long as this one. That’s gotta mean something in the ‘verse, right?”

“S’pose it does.” Zoe walked over and sat in the chair across from the mercenary, propping her feet up on the table.

“Mal’s done a lot for me, ya know. I know I oughtta repay the favor.” Jayne began fidgeting with the edge of his oil rag. “Tell ya the truth, l’il Crazy’s grown on me too.”

“Well now, that’s mighty touching, Jayne.” Zoe leaned back in her chair and gazed at the mercenary. She never knew him to be forthcoming with his feelings and this moment of confession was a tad disturbing for her to hear.

“Way I figure it, folks don’t have to be blood to be family.” Zoe nodded in agreement. “But that don’t mean they’re any less close to ya.”

“Why you telling me all this, Jayne?” Zoe interrupted. “If this is s’posed to be some sort of confession, I ain’t no Shepherd.”

“Ain’t meaning it to be a confession, Zoe,” came the reply. “But ya gotta remember we’re the ones that’re still alive. Ain’t nothing wrong if we keep on livin’.”

Jayne stood and gathered his tools together, wrapping them carefully into his leather carrying case. As he collected his guns and headed for the door, he turned and spoke once more.

“Mal would be proud of the way you’ve handled his ship, Zoe.”

As he left, Zoe pondered his statement. Mal would be proud.

Would he? Zoe didn’t know for certain. Sure, she’d kept them all from killing each other these past two weeks, but what was the point if they were all gonna die anyhow?

With a sigh, Zoe rose from her chair and stalked off in the direction of the infirmary. It wouldn’t do her any good to dwell on their present situation. She was doing the right thing. She had to be. Otherwise she was sentencing them all to a cold, heartless death.

Where was the honor in that?

*****

Simon was bent over his instrument panel, lost in his own world as he checked in the status of his two comatose patients.

Two weeks had passed and they showed no sign of improvement. A man could only survive without his mind for so long and Simon wasn’t sure how much longer that was.

Aggravated, he sat up straight and rubbed his eyes. He was tired. He hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten in days. He had gone over the same readouts and the same body scans for days and had found nothing new. With a heavy sigh he stood up from his stool and watched as it was knocked onto the ground. With a frustrated yell he kicked it across the room and winced as it barely missed Zoe.

“Sorry,” Simon said, his cheeks tinged red and his face grim. “I didn’t see you there.” Zoe cocked an eyebrow and glanced down at the stool by her feet.

“Obviously,” she replied. “How is he?”

“Mal?” Zoe nodded. Simon sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know.” He paused for a moment and leaned against the counter.

“He’s deteriorating, Zoe,” he said after a minute of silence. “If we don’t find this planet soon and set things right, he’ll die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

Zoe opened her mouth to respond when Jayne’s voice came booming through the overhead comm system.

“Zoe, Simon, get down to the engine room now!” Simon jumped up and ran out of the room when Jayne’s voice was followed by a loud, piercing shriek that could only belong to one person: Kaylee.

With Zoe hot on his heels, Simon quickly reached the engine room and stopped short in the doorway at the sight that greeted him. Jayne was bent over the huddled and quivering form of the usually cheerful mechanic. Tears streamed down her face as she shook and backed away from the hulking mercenary.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Zoe authoritative voice rang through the ruckus. Jayne jumped back and looked at her, wide eyed and fearful.

“I dunno what happened!” he exclaimed as Simon pushed him out of the way and knelt down by Kaylee. “I came in here and she was like this. All whimpering and scared-like.” Simon glared up at him.

“What did you do to her?” he demanded. Jayne held up his hands and backed away from the angry doctor.

“I ain’t done nothing to her,” he replied, his face hardening. “She was like this when I got here. I told ya that."

“You must have done something,” Simon retorted. Zoe stepped in between the two men, intervening before things got out of hand.

“Hey now!” she commanded. “Let’s not be making accusations. Simon, she gonna be okay?” Simon turned his attention back to the simpering mechanic and gently brushed her hair out of her eyes.

“Kaylee,” he said tenderly as he lifted her chin so she was looking at him. “Bao bei, are you alright?” Kaylee whimpered softly as she gazed into his eyes.

“Simon?” she questioned quietly before she clambered into his arms, holding onto him tightly. “We’re all gonna die, Simon!” Simon shushed her and gently stroked her grease-soaked hair.

“No, bao bei, we aren’t going to die,” he responded. Kaylee pulled back, her face panic stricken and her eyes wide.

“Yes, we are,” she answered, wiping away the tears. “We’re gonna die because we don’t have enough fuel to get back and we don’t even know where we’re headed. It’s been two weeks! Two weeks! How’d that man even reach Earth-that-was so fast, anyhow? He’s a demon! I just know it! And he means to kill us if the Black don’t get us first.” Kaylee collapsed on the floor and sobbed hysterically.

“Get her out of here, Simon.” Simon glanced up at the harshness in Zoe’s tone. “Get her some place else, someplace calming.” Simon could only nod at the woman’s command as he gathered Kaylee up into his arms and carried her out of the engine room. Zoe put out one hand to stop Jayne from following them. A silent look passed between the two warriors as they both recognized what was beginning to overtake the crew.

“Space psychosis,” Jayne muttered silently. “Think what she’s said is true?” Zoe shrugged and looked away, unwilling to meet his piercing gaze.

“Might be, Kaylee knows this ship better than anyone,” she replied after a moment. “She’d know if we had enough to get us back.”

“Then we’re gonna die out here?” Zoe finally met the mercenary’s eyes, her face grim and foreboding.

“Perhaps not,” she answered. “I’m counting on something else she mentioned.”

“What’s that?” he questioned, a look of askance plastered across his face.

“That man ain’t a demon, Jayne,” Zoe said. “He had to get out here faster than us. I’m just hoping that whatever way got him out here will get us back.”

Before Jayne could reply, the harsh noise of the proximity alarms sounded throughout the corridors and the ship suddenly dropped out of hyperspace. The ship lurched violently, throwing both Jayne and Zoe off balance.

“What the gorram sphincter of hell was that?” Jayne exclaimed.

“Dunno. You stay down here and man the engines, Jayne,” Zoe replied as she pulled herself upright and held onto the bulkhead for support. “I’ll be on the bridge.”

Another violent lurch nearly threw Zoe off balance again, slamming her against the wall as she made her way from the engines to the bridge. Silently, she prayed to whatever gods were in the sky that they made it out of this situation alive.

The sight that greeted her when she reached the bridge left her speechless. Approaching them fast, was Earth-that-was.

</div>

le sigh

psycholizard — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 03:57:16 GMT

So I am officially stuck on the next part to "Best Laid Plans". I have half a chapter and I'm vainly working on the rest of it. But it might take me a while.

To be honest, I'm in a dark and depressing mood lately. Work has been really horrible, and while I usually love my job, a person can only take so much death and dying especially when one deals with pediatric patients, like I do.

However, I was able to successfully write a short 100-word Phantom of the Opera drabble. It's posted over on ff.net, but I figure I might as well post it here too.

Title: Birth
Author: psycholizard
Summary: What causes genius to descend into madness? What makes a man turn into a monster? A brief look at how the Phantom was born. Hints at Phantom/Mme. Giry. ALW/movieverse.
Disclaimer: Do I look like ALW or Gaston Leroux?

Quietly, he padded toward the dancer’s room. Tonight he would show her his true intentions and she would be his. His hand froze over the doorknob as the sound of laughter emanated from within. A deep voice echoed from within the room followed by a girlish giggle. He drew in a sharp breath and put his ear against the door, listening to the sound of his love with another. Laughter turned to breathless moans and a sharp knife pierce through his soul.

Nine months later, his love gave birth to little Meg and his soul gave birth to the Phantom.

</div>

The Best Laid Plans - Part 3

psycholizard — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 19:54:13 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 3
Author: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.

Jayne sat alone in the cargo bay with just his weights for company. Lying flat on his back on the weight bench, he steadily lifted the barbell up and down, breathing in rhythm with his movements. It was a fair thing to say that the mercenary had a lot on his mind right now and was trying to find some semblance of calm. Unfortunately, he wasn’t succeeding and therefore, pushed himself to work out harder, hoping the pain would cause him to forget the cause of his musings.

River.

The girl had been a royal pain in his pi gu since the moment he first laid eyes on her. ‘Cept now he was pretty sure he liked her. Might even love her, although he had no experience with that sort of thing. But the way he figured it, she was a mind reader and he was pretty sure she had picked up on his thoughts earlier in the mess hall. Since she hadn’t mentioned anything yet, it was a fair bet she didn’t feel anything remotely similar to what he did.

Jayne continued his reps, lost deep in thought. He was so preoccupied with his thinking that he wasn’t aware of the Captain’s entrance into the cargo bay until the man’s face suddenly appeared in his field of vision.

“Jesus Mal!” Jayne swore and nearly dropped the barbell on his chest. Using both hands, Mal reached down and helped the merc set the weight in its cradle.

“Scared the bejeesus outta me. Shouldn’t sneak up on a man like that,” Jayne sat up on the bench, his heart pounding from more than just the workout.

“Made plenty of noise, Jayne,” Mal replied, casually standing with his arms folded across his chest. “Wouldn’ta scared you so much if you hadn’t been so distracted.”

Jayne grabbed a towel lying on the floor and wiped the sweat off his forehead, carefully avoiding Mal’s steady gaze.

“See, what I can’t figure out is why you’re so distracted,” Mal continued. “But I got me a couple of theories about that.”

“That right?” Jayne looked up at the Captain and raised an eyebrow. Mal pursed his lips and nodded.

“That’s right,” he answered. “So why don’t you try help me out here?”

“Sure,” Jayne eyed Mal suspiciously, unsure of where this conversation was heading. He watched as Mal began pacing back and forth across the cargo bay.

“See, River was acting a mite odd at dinner tonight, and despite what you said, we both know it wasn’t her usual sort of odd,” Mal began. “So I got to thinking about what exactly precipitated her unusual behavior and I came to a disturbing conclusion.” Jayne stood and folded his arms defensively.

“And what conclusion is that, Mal,” he questioned. Mal mirrored his posture.

“That she was jealous,” Mal commented. “And that you were acting in such a manner as to make her so.”

“Now Mal…” Jayne began speaking, but Mal held up a hand motioning for silence.

“Jayne, I don’t want to hear any excuses,” he interrupted. “All’s I want to hear is what you think you’re doing.”

“There’s no easy way to explain this,” Jayne sighed and ran his hand across his sweaty head. “Basically, I was tryin’ to make Simon jealous.”

“Woah, Jayne,” Mal stepped back with his hands raised. “Wasn’t expecting that.” Jayne’s eyes widened comically as he realized what Mal had inferred from that statement.

“No, no, it’s not like that,” he quickly said. “I was doing it for Kaylee!”

“For Kaylee?” If it was possible, Mal was even more confused now than he was before.

“Alright,” Mal continued. “I think you need to explain everything right from the beginning.”

Sighing, Jayne sat down on the weight bench and began explaining his story.

A few hours later, Zoe found Mal sitting alone in the cargo bay with his head resting in his hands, apparently lost deep in thought.

“Sir?” she questioned tentatively as she approached him. “Is everything alright?”

Mal glanced up at her from his position on the weight bench.

“I don’t know where to begin Zoe,” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I just had the most interesting conversation with Jayne concerning the odd behavior of our little albatross.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” Mal nodded.

“Care to share, sir, or are you gonna keep me in suspense?” Zoe asked. Mal sighed again as he stood and began pacing the floor.

“It seems our dear Jayne is involved in a plot,” he said with some finality. Zoe crossed her arms over her chest, looking serious.

“A plot, sir?” she questioned.

“Yes, Zoe, a plot,” Mal echoed. Zoe matched her stride to Mal’s pacing.

“Is this a nefarious plot, sir?”

“Of the worst kind.”

“Indeed. And did he share the details of this plot, sir?” Mal stopped his pacing and clasped his hands behind his back.

“He did at that,” came the reply. Zoe stood beside her Captain, waiting for him to continue.

“And…” She was growing very impatient. Mal pursed his lips then leaned forward and whispered the details of the plot in Zoe’s ear. Zoe’s expression remained stoic and impassive as always when she heard the details, but she couldn’t refrain from expressing her reservations.

“Sir, are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked. Mal chuckled as he looked at her.

“Since when have any of our ideas been good?” he shrugged.

“Think he’ll get shot, sir?” A faint hint of a smile crept across Zoe’s face.

*****

River sat in the cooling duct situated between the mess hall and the engine room. It was quiet up here. Peaceful. It allowed her to think free from the interference of the other’s thoughts. It allowed her to find serenity.

Except today it wasn’t working and that frustrated her.

Today her thoughts were muddled and confused and she couldn’t piece the fragments together.

It wasn’t like usual. She knew who she was and where she was. She knew what was reality and what wasn’t. She just didn’t know her own mind. She never had much experience with feelings, always preferring a good book to social interaction. It was times like these when she truly wished she had suffered through those inane parties and gatherings her mother was so fond of hosting.

If she was honest, River found herself becoming more and more bothered by the budding “romance” developing between Jayne and Kaylee, which was quite ludicrous. It wasn’t a real romance and she shouldn’t be bothered. But there was something deep inside her that hated watching Kaylee and Jayne interact, despite the knowledge that it was all a farce. She could no longer deny that what she felt was beyond a sisterly concern for her brother’s feelings.

Taking a deep breath, she began crawling toward the engine room. She was determined to discuss this perplexing matter with Kaylee and hopefully come to a satisfying resolution to her problem. If all went well, Kaylee would be able to shed some light on this issue she was facing, or perhaps even scrap the plan altogether. River definitely preferred the latter option as it meant Jayne would go back to sittng next to her at dinner.

Gradually, River made her way over to the duct above the engine, but stopped short when she heard voices. Quietly, she crept toward an open grate that looked down over the engine room. She peered through the metal grate and her jaw dropped at the sight before her. Jayne and Kaylee were alone together and were deep in conversation. River knew it was wrong to spy on them and that the best course of action would be to make her presence known. However, given the circumstance, she currently felt that observation was the best course of action. Of course, they were more than likely just discussing the plan, in which case, listening in wouldn’t do any harm.

“So how’s the plan workin out, Kaylee?” River felt a shiver run down her spine as the sound of Jayne’s rough and gravelly voice floated up. River found it strange how a person’s speech pattern could affect the physical reactions of another person, yet Jayne’s did just that.

“Not working out at all. I don’t know what to do,” Kaylee replied from her position under the engine. River watched as Jayne sat down on the floor against the wall and sighed.

“I dunno. I was kinda hopin’ it’d have worked by now,” he answered. Kaylee scrambled out from the underside of the machine and crawled over next to him. Sitting down beside him, she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“It’ll work out,” she answered looping her arm around his bicep. River’s eyes narrowed at the physical display. This wasn’t part of the plan. No one was watching. There was no need for them to be so close. Jayne reached over and clasped Kaylee’s hand in his bigger one.

“Yeah, but this is getting’ to be all manners of frustrating, ya know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m just worried about how River seems to be taking this,” Jayne said after a moment. River sat up in surprise when she heard his comment. A small smile began to creep across her face before she could stop. She couldn’t help the swell of happiness that burst through her at the realization that the big ape-man was concerned about her. This was a most interesting development.

“Oh don’t worry about her,” Kaylee rolled her eyes and sighed. “She knows the plan. She’s fine.”

“She just seems to be a mite off, is all,” Jayne continued. His eyebrows furrowed together and a look of something akin to concern crossed his face. Kaylee smirked and raised an eyebrow.

“Like you said in the mess, it’s River.” River leaned back against the duct wall and crossed her arms, her lip sticking out pitifully. She pouted like a petulant child. What exactly did Kaylee mean by that comment? She peered out through the grating as the voices below continued speaking.

“Maybe we need to up our game a l’il. You know, speed things up a bit. Don’t want this carrying on too long,” Jayne was saying.

River’s eyes narrowed as she watched the scene unfold below. She felt a tinge of jealousy shoot through her stomach as Kaylee leaned up against Jayne’s side.

“Funny you should say that,” Kaylee giggled. “How do you suggest we up our game?”

Jayne smiled down at the perky blonde and wrapped his arm around her.

“I dunno. What makes a person jealous?” he replied.

River turned away, her eyes brimming with tears. She just couldn’t watch anymore. It was all becoming so clear to her. Kaylee liked Jayne. She enjoyed flirting with him and playing with him, even though she was in a relationship with Simon. It was awful and River didn’t know what to do with this new information. There was no denying what she had seen. It was as clear as a morning on Greenleaf. Taking a deep breath, she began crawling back into the depths of the cooling ducts. She needed to think.

</div>

The Best Laid Plans - Part 2

psycholizard — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 22:13:33 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans - Part 2
Author: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.

River sat nervously at the table as the crew assembled for dinner in the dining hall, unsure of how to act. She didn’t understand why she felt nervous or why a deep feeling of unease had settled in the pit of her stomach. The only thing she could think of was that that Kaylee and Jayne would commence with the plan tonight and she didn’t know how it would proceed. She didn’t want them to go through with their idea because it could only end badly. For Simon. She was only thinking of her brother.

Why, oh why did she endorse this idea?

River watched silently as Mal and Zoe filed in and took their seats at the end of the table, followed closely by Kaylee and Simon. She watched as Simon took his regular seat beside the bright mechanic and dinner was served.

A few moments later, as Mal was passing the potato flavored protein-mash across the table to her, Jayne lumbered in and looked around. There were two empty seats: one beside Kaylee and one beside River. He hesitated for a brief moment before sitting and River felt the pang of an unidentifiable emotion flash through her as he chose the seat next to Kaylee instead of his usual seat next to her. Why should it matter this much? It really shouldn’t because it was all part of the plan. He needed to convince the others that he liked Kaylee, so it made sense for him to change his routine and sit next to her. It’s just that River was used to being able to steal his dinner roll just to annoy him.

“Could someone please pass the salt?” Kaylee’s inquiry broke through River’s reverie. River glanced up and watched Jayne reach across the table and grab the shaker.

“Here ya go, Kaylee,” he said as he flashed the mechanic a wide smile that was usually reserved for those he was trying to impress.

“Thanks Jayne,” Kaylee replied, smiling in return. River carefully watched the crew for any sort of a reaction. Mal was engrossed in his meal and not paying attention to anything around him. Zoe and Simon were caught up in a conversation about the use of gun powder as an effective cauterizing agent.

“You didn’t get any bread, didja Kaylee-girl.” River looked up sharply at Jayne’s term of endearment. It appeared she was the only one that caught it.

“No, it musta passed me by,” Kaylee answered. Simon was still deep in conversation with Zoe and seemingly oblivious to the interaction between the pair. River felt herself silently screaming in frustration at the density of her brother. The sooner he picked up on Jayne’s ‘interest’, the sooner this whole act would end and life would become normal again. Jayne would sit by her like he usually did and they would tease and play with each other as usual.

River tried not to think too hard of the implications of that thought.

She watched as Jayne reached across the table picked up the breadbasket from its position in front of River. He paused momentarily and gave her a little wink. Her eyes narrowed in return and she looked down intently at her dinner plate.

“Here ya go, Kaylee,” Jayne said as he passed her the basket. Kaylee smiled up at him as she took a dinner roll and placed it at the edge of her plate.

“When are we meeting Inara?” Simon’s query interrupted her intense observation of Kaylee and Jayne. She watched as Mal glanced up from his dinner.

“We should be landing on Beaumonde tomorrow,” he responded. “Ain’t that right, albatross.” River nodded once, not bothering to speak. Mal raised an eyebrow at her lack of response but continued speaking.

“Anyway,” he continued. “She’ll be meeting us after the drop. Was there something you needed from her?” Simon nodded.

“I asked her to pick up a new herbal medication from her sources,” Simon responded, taking a bite of his protein mash. “It’s has some interesting effects on tissue healing and regeneration. I won’t bore you with the details, but it might prove useful with this crew.”

The rest of dinner proceeded rather uneventfully, with various crewmembers engaged in light conversation while River sat back in careful observation. Simon remained oblivious to the interaction occurring between Kaylee and Jayne, although River was keenly aware of it and becoming more annoyed with every passing minute. When Jayne leaned over and whispered something in Kaylee’s ear, eliciting a giggle, River huffed in frustration and crossed her arms over her chest like a petulant child.

“Something wrong, albatross?” River looked up at the Captain’s address and shook her head. She was vaguely aware of Jayne looking at her in curiosity, but chose not to meet his gaze.

“No,” she replied simply. “Why?”

“You just seem a mite put off is all,” he replied with a shrug.

“I’m not put off,” she answered quickly. Mal raised an eyebrow and stared at her.

“No need to get defensive, River,” Mal replied, his hands raised in surrender.

“I’m not defensive,” River said defensively. At this point, the rest of the crew had become aware of the slight conflict that had begun to brew between the Captain and his pilot. Simon looked up from his conversation at his sister.

“Mei mei is everything alright?” he questioned, a note of concern tinged his voice as he looked at her with his eyebrows furrowed together. River sighed and stood up abruptly from her chair.

“I’m fine,” she stated. “Just women problems.” She knocked her chair back as she quickly walked out, leaving the crew in stunned silence. They sat like that for a moment before Mal spoke up again.

“Did anything about that seem a tad odd to any of you?” he questioned. Jayne chuckled as he took a bit of his protein mash.

“It’s Moonbrain,” he replied. “She’s always odd.” Kaylee elbowed Jayne in the ribs hard enough to cause him to wince and rub his side tenderly.

“Jayne, that’s not nice,” Kaylee said with a pout.

“Aw, I’m sorry Kaylee-girl. You know I don’t mean nothing by it,” Jayne answered. Simon, who had been unusually quiet, stood up quickly.

“I think I should go make sure she’s okay,” he said as he followed his sister.

*****

“Mei mei?”

River looked up as her brother walked onto the bridge. She was sitting in the pilot’s chair with her legs curled up against her chest and her head resting on her knees. Simon crouched down beside her until they were eye level. Tenderly he touched her shoulder and brushed a stray hair out of her eyes.

“Are you alright, River?” he questioned. River smiled obligingly at him.

“I’m fine, Simon,” she replied.

“You left so abruptly,” Simon looked at her tenderly. “It worried me.”

“Is that all that worried you?” River looked up at him with an imploring gaze, wishing for just a moment that he was psychic and could pick up on what was bothering her. Unfortunately, like most men of her acquaintance, her brother could not read her thoughts.

“What do you mean, mei mei?” he probed gently, quietly imploring her for some sort of answer to her bizarre behavior in the mess hall.

“Weren’t you at all concerned over Jayne’s interaction with Kaylee?” she queried, frustrated over her brother’s apparent lack of insight.

“What interaction?” Simon chuckled. “He passed her the bread and the salt.” River rolled her eyes at his response.

“And he told her a joke that made her laugh!” she exclaimed as though it were the most obvious thing in the world and Simon couldn’t hide his mirth.

“River…mei mei,” he laughed. “Do you think I should be jealous over that?”

“Don’t you?” River leaned back in the chair and tilted her head to the side as she stared at her brother.

“No,” Simon responded with an exasperated expression. “I’m sure that the big neanderthal views Kaylee like a sister and nothing more. I wouldn’t be worried or upset about a harmless little joke. Not unless you think Kaylee needs to be worried every time I tease you.”

River sighed and nodded silently before turning back to the flight console. Taking this as a signal that their conversation was over, Simon stood and left the bridge, leaving River alone to her thoughts once more. Thoughts that were, at this moment, in the worst sort of turmoil.

*****

Simon quietly made his way toward the one place he knew he could find solace: the engine room. He smiled to himself at the thought of Kaylee tinkering with her machines and covered in grease. She was far too sweet to put up with his temperament, but he was glad she did. He might be socially awkward and unsure of his actions, but he loved her with everything he had and was anxious to prove it to her. It was this desire to impress her that made him agree to her latest scheme.

Simon stood by the doorway into the engine room and watched as his oil-covered mechanic tinkered with her engine and smiled lightly. He knew she was often self-conscious about her appearance, but to him, she was never more beautiful then when her hair was pulled up loosely, her coveralls hung around her hips, and she had a smudge of dirt on her face, just like she did now.

“How long are you gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna hand me that rag,” Kaylee spoke up, her back still turned on him. Simon chuckled and entered the engine room, crouching down next to her. He picked up the rag lying on the floor and handed it to her, lightly wiping a spot of grease of her nose as he did so. Kaylee smiled as she took the rag then leaned over and kissed him sweetly on his cheek.

“How’s River?” she inquired. Sighing, Simon sat down on the floor and leaned against the bulkhead.

“It’s obvious she’s bothered, but I’m not sure she can identify why,” he replied. Kaylee scooted over and sat next to him, curling up in his outstretched arms.

“She thinks I should be jealous and that anything she might be feeling is a result of her sisterly affection,” Simon continued as he loosened Kaylee’s ponytail and ran his fingers through her light hair. “I think you might have to kick the plan up a notch.”

Simon was startled when Kaylee suddenly buried her face in his shirt and her shoulders started shaking uncontrollably. Her giggles grew louder as she turned her face up to look at him.

“Did you just say ‘kick it up a notch’, doctor Tam?” she giggled, her expression full of mirth. Simon blushed and nudged her lightly.

“Are you making fun of the way I talk?” he teased, pinching her sides. Kaylee squealed as Simon began tickling her.

“Not at all, Doctor. I just think you need to ‘kick it up a notch’,” she replied wriggling out of his grip. Simon grabbed her wrist and drew her toward him, kissing her soundly.

“How’s that for ‘kicking it up a notch’?” he said with a smirk. Kaylee smiled and leaned into his kiss.

“Oh I think that’s pretty good,” she replied, straddling his lap and settling against his chest.

*****

Mal was confused. Thoroughly and utterly confused and the reason for that confusion was currently piloting his ship. He leaned back in his chair in the mess hall and contemplated River’s bizarre behavior at dinnertime. Her behavior could never be counted as normal, but her actions at dinner were definitely more unusual than normal. Unfortunately he had a strange inkling as to what precipitate it and that inkling was named Jayne Cobb. Rising from his seat, Mal headed toward that cargo bay, intent on having a little chat with the mercenary.

</div>

So Close

psycholizard — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:40:23 GMT

Title: So Close
Author: psycholizard
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish it was. But I'm not that rich.
Summary: Mal/River Angst. Character death. They were so close to living out their happy ending. So close, but so far. Inspired by the song "So Close" from Enchanted.

Mal held River tightly against his chest, her dark hair splayed everywhere, blood flowing freely from the gunshot wound that penetrated near her heart. His shirt was stained red with her blood and his heart was pounding as they sat on the floor in the cargo bay. This couldn’t be happening. Not yet, not now.

He listened to her breathing. In and out, in and out. There was comfort in the soft repetition. Tenderly he stroked her head, running his fingers through her soft hair as he tried to maintain the calm environment. They were so close when it happened. The bullet had been meant for him, but at the last minute she pushed him out of the way.

He felt River sigh and curl in closer to his body. He was comfort. He was her serenity. He wished he had been more.

Mal remembered what had brought them to this point. Furtive glances and light touches in the corridors. Late night debates on the bridge over the various aspects of life and war. All of this culminated into his regular fantasy at midnight. A dream of the two of them together. A dream that felt like reality but wasn’t. He could never move beyond the friendship they had developed, even though he was certain she wanted it as much as he did.

He dreamt of happiness and of love, but it was only ever a dream. Now he had reality.

Simon bent over his sister, cradled closely in Mal’s arms, and gently checked her wounds, but it was futile. They hadn’t made it back to the ship on time and the wound had pierced an artery. A person could only bleed for so long.

River’s eyes fluttered open and her gaze penetrated his soul. He tried to speak, to say those words he had so wanted to, but he could not.

How could he tell her that he loved her when he was the reason she was dying?

Mal closed his eyes as her fingers trailed up his face, gently outlining his lips and brushing over his cheeks. River smiled. It was not her usual bright smile, but subdued and calm. It was as though she knew what was happening and was unafraid.

That’s his brave girl, he thought to himself. His sweet, sweet brave girl.

Mal fought to keep his emotions in check as River’s breathing became shallower. He had been so close to telling her. So close to living out his happy ending.

River breathed her last breath. In the background, Kaylee sobbed and Simon collapsed against the bulkhead, unable to believe his darling sister was gone. Zoe allowed Jayne to wrap an arm around her in comfort, while they both asked the same question: could this crew even survive after the loss of yet another?

Mal held River close in his arms, mourning the loss of another dream. He should’ve protected his heart because after all he had been through he knew happy endings didn’t exist.

</div>

Heart of Darkness - Chapter 8

psycholizard — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 03:16:09 GMT

Serenity drifted closer and closer to the area everyone within the Alliance knew as the “Dead Zone”. Flashing red perimeter beacons marked the outer edge of Alliance territory warning off any vessels that had gotten strayed too close.

Not that any vessel would purposefully stray toward that area. Not if they knew what was in store for them if they did.

Zoe sat in the pilot’s chair and stared out into the vastness of space. It was usually a comfort to her, but tonight it brought forth memories of her worst nightmares. The only sound that could be heard on the bridge was the first officer’s quiet breathing as she recalled her childhood growing up on a transport freighter. In between her school lessons, her uncle would tell her tales of what existed beyond the beacons. Thousands of light years of dead, empty space, he told her as he tucked her into bed at night. Liable to make a man go crazy if he stayed out there too long, uncle would say. He was a smart man who knew what he was talking about, which is why Zoe shuddered as she stared. If she had any other choice, she would have turned this ship around and headed full-burn in the other direction.

“It’s so creepy,” Kaylee said as she walked onto the bridge, wrapped up tightly in a knit blanket. Zoe turned slightly to look at the mechanic.

“Seems a mite odd that there ain’t any patrols out this way,” the younger woman continued quietly. “Figure if the Alliance didn’t want people to enter this area, they’d at least have some ships or something.”

“Ain’t nothing to protect,” Zoe replied, her face calm and reserved as usual, but her eyes betraying the fear she felt deep inside. “That’s why it’s called the Dead Zone. Way I heard it, there’s nothing out here worth going after so the Alliance doesn’t care who tries to enter. No man that’s ever entered the Dead Zone has come back out alive. They say you can travel for years and never meet another living soul. They say a man’s liable to go crazy if’n he stays out there too long.”

Kaylee shivered and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself at the sudden feeling of coldness that washed over her.

“Well, I’m gonna go see how the Cap’n’s doing.” she said quietly as she turned around, leaving the soldier alone to her introspection.

Zoe nodded solemnly then resumed her staring.

*****

Bao bei, why are you here?

I have to protect you, River.

But he’ll kill you.

Not if he doesn’t know I’m still here. Now keep quiet.

River opened her eyes and stared into the blackness of the dark room. She saw nothing but the man standing above her, staring down at her strapped helplessly into the chair. His sinister penetrating gaze sent chills up and down her spine.

His name is Sylar.

Don’t speak, he’ll hear you.

“Where did he go?” the man said. River closed her eyes tightly, her heart pounding in her chest as she used all her willpower to shut the man out.

“Where did he go!” he yelled again as he grabbed her arms and shook her hard. Tears threatened to spill and River shut her eyes tightly to keep them contained, but it was no use. Tears began streaming down her face as her breathing quickened and she moaned. The man kept shaking her, trying to force an answer from her, trying to force her to open her mind to him once again.

Then, the girl’s most basic survival and protection instincts took over. She knew she had to protect the man she loved and so she did the only thing she could. The only thing she was trained to do. The girl buried herself deeper and deeper into the farthest recesses of her mind until what was left on the outside was a mere babbling shell of the person she once was. All that remained of River was the girl.

“Will never know. Will never tell,” she sighed dreamily not caring when Sylar yanked her out of her chair and threw her to the ground like a ragdoll. River laughed.

She squealed and giggled, then crawled to the wall and hid her face behind her hair. She was hidden now. She was safe. He would never find her because she would never say a word. They had trained her to withstand worse.

Sylar turned away without a word. His face contorted into a grimace, his breathing deep and heavy. The girl was hiding from him, but he wasn’t worried. This was all part of her programming. Those scientists created her this way so no enemies could unlock her mysteries and recreate her working code. But they were mere mortals. Limited in their scope and practice. They didn’t factor in all the variables. They didn’t think there was another psychic that would want to break her. After all, she was too dangerous. It was too easy to get lost in her mind. The girl was so powerful, even as a bruised and cracked shell, that all the others stayed away.

Sylar smirked and had River been watching him, she would have shuddered at the look of evilness that crossed his face. Sylar smirked because he knew something those scientists did not. This girl was powerful, but Sylar was more powerful.

Turning around, Sylar knelt down by the young girl who sat babbling in the corner. He tenderly stroked her face and brushed a stray hair out of her eyes.

“Now River,” he said in a quiet and melodic voice. “I need you to pay close attention because we’re going to try something new.”

*****

“How is he doc?” Peter questioned impatiently, pacing back and forth through the infirmary. Simon glanced up and sighed as he tiredly rubbed his eyes. The doctor looked haggard and unshaven. There were bags under his eyes and he looked as though he hadn’t slept in days.

“It’s difficult to say,” Simon responded, running his fingers through his dark hair. “As far as I can tell, he’s in some sort of reverse cortical depression. He’s in a hyper-aware condition that has driven him into a comatose state. His vital signs are all normal and what I have been able to scan indicates his brain is working at full capacity. There is no reason for him to be in a coma. The problem is that I can’t figure out what’s causing it and how to reverse it.”

Simon hovered near Mal’s comatose body and began to scan it again. Without warning, Mal began to jerk erratically and foam started issuing from his mouth. Peter rushed over to the stretcher and held the seizing man down. Simon grabbed an anticonvulsant from the med drawer and began pumping it into the Captain’s body, but the drug had no effect.

“Why isn’t it working?” Peter demanded, struggling while he restrained Mal. Simon gave a worried glance up at the heart rate readout.

“I don’t know,” replied Simon as he pulled out another drug and injected it into the Captain’s deep muscle tissue.

“Too high,” the doctor muttered to himself. “His heart rate is way too high.”

Peter watched as the doctor pulled out another drug and began drawing it up in a long syringes. The monitor attached to the Captain began beeping as the numbers on the readout steadily climbed higher and higher until suddenly Mal stopped moving. It took a moment for Peter and Simon to realize what had happened and as they did, the numbers slowly leveled out until they were within an acceptable range.

“What happened?” Peter asked. Simon shook his head and continued examining Mal.

“I don’t know,” Simon replied. He flashed a small light into Mal’s eyes and watched the pupil reaction.

“He had some kind of a seizure,” Simon continued. “But I don’t know what caused it.”

Peter suddenly let go of Mal and stumbled backward, away from the now still body. He stared at the hands that had been connected to Mal as though they were foreign objects. His breathing quickened and became erratic and he was vaguely aware of a voice off in the distance. It took him a moment to realize that the voice sounding through the fog was the doctor asking him if he was alright. He tried to answer but found that he couldn’t. it was as though his mind was being dragged away from reality and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Then there was nothing but black.

*****

Zoe was sitting on the bridge contemplating the strange turn of events that brought them to the point of entering the Dead Zone when Simon’s panicked voice sounded out over the comm channel.

“Zoe, I need you in the med bay right now,” the doctor’s insistent voice sounded through the channel, interrupting her thoughts.

Zoe quickly left the bridge and rushed to the med bay, worried that something had happened to the Captain but she wasn’t prepared for the sight that greeted her. She stopped short in the doorway at the sight of Peter laid out on the table beside the Captain. Mal was still unconscious, but now it appeared as though Peter had also slipped into a comatose state.

“What happened here?” Zoe demanded as she entered the infirmary.

Simon looked up at her as she walked over to check on Mal.

“I don’t know,” he replied, rubbing the tired feeling out of his eyes. “I was performing some scans on the Captain, trying to figure out how to draw him out of this state when he had a seizure of some sort. Peter helped me restrain him while I attempted to stop the seizue and then Peter blacked out.”

“Is it related somehow?” Zoe folded her arms as a worried look crossed her face. Simon shook his head and leaned against the counter.

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “I know I seem to be saying that a lot lately, but I have no explanation for you, Zoe. Neuroscience is hardly my area of expertise, despite the issues River was having. Biopsychology is even further from field of knowledge.”

The doctor and the first mate stood in silence for a moment, gathering in the scene that had unfolded before them. Mal, who was the only man who could connect with River, and Peter, the only man who knew what to look for, were lying unconscious before them and they had no indication of how or why this happened.

“So what do we do now?” Simon broke the silence a few minutes later. Zoe looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.

“We find some way of waking them up,” she replied in a serious and authoritative tone. “Until then, we continue on the course Peter set for us. Because that’s our job and the Captain would do no less for any of us.”

</div>

The Best Laid Plans

psycholizard — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 02:01:21 GMT

Title: The Best Laid Plans
Author: psycholizard
Pairings: River/Jayne, Simon/Kaylee
Summary: Simon doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Or does he? Kaylee is frustrated by the lack of romance in her life, or is she? River and Jayne become the unknowing targets of a convoluted and complicated matchmaking plan formulated by the people that know them best: Simon and Kaylee.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be.
A/N: This is my very first full length River/Jayne fic. Usually, I'm a Mal/River shipper, but this plot bunny was eating at the lettuce in my brain and wouldn't let me go. So here is is. Special thanks to my beta, bad_karma00. He's awesome.

River peeked around the corner and watched silently as Kaylee sat on the floor in the engine room, tinkering with a piece that just wasn’t working right for her. Didn’t matter how many times Kaylee told the Cap’n they needed a new rotor, he wouldn’t cave in and let her buy it. Too expensive, he said. Well, if he didn’t let her replace it soon, then he’d have to get himself a whole new ship. That is, if he didn’t die in the fiery crash first.

Frustrated, Kaylee threw the scrap of metal on the floor and groaned. Things just weren’t going very well for her at all. Engine wasn’t working the way it was supposed to, Captain’s being a stubborn ass about it, and Simon was being an idiot. Again. She seriously had to wonder if that man had ever talked to a female besides his sister. Sometimes it was cute. Right now, it was frustrating.

“Men are boobs,” River spoke up, interrupting her friend’s thought train. With a smile, she stepped into the engine room and sat down beside Kaylee.

“Heya River,” Kaylee responded with a smile. “Don’t suppose you have any insight into why men are such boobs, do ya?” River shook her head.

“They just are. It’s their nature,” she replied. “My brother especially.” Kaylee sighed and lay down on the metal floor, covering her face with her hands as she groaned. River lay down beside her and mimicked her sigh of frustration.

“Well, your brother is an idiot,” Kaylee said with a huff then looked over at her friend. “No offense.”

“None taken,” came the reply. “He is.” There was a pause before River continued speaking.

“What did he do this time?” Kaylee gave a loud groan and turned her head toward River.

“What didn’t he do?” she complained. “I mentioned that there was this restaurant on Persephone that I wanted to go to. I was thinking maybe if he knew I wanted to go, then he’d ask me to go with him on like a date or something. And then he went off about how he could get into a fancy restaurant in the Core at a moment’s notice. Didn’t need reservations or nothing. Don’t he know I don’t wanna hear that? All’s I wanna hear is, ‘Kaylee you wanna go for dinner tonight?’ Or maybe ‘Kaylee will you marry me?’ ” River giggled and Kaylee pouted.

“Ain’t funny, River,” she said. “All’s I want is a little romance in my life, but he ain’t doing nothing.”

“Silly Kaylee, I’m not laughing at that,” River answered. “Laughing at my idiot-brother. Doesn’t understand what’s right in front of him. He has no frame of reference in which to base his romantic assumptions. He doesn’t know how to romance you.” Seeing Kaylee’s look of confusing, River decided further explanation was warranted.

“In Core society, it is deemed inappropriate for a man to openly display his affections in a romantic manner. Rather, his goal when pursuing a suitable life companion is to prove he is able to provide her with a life of comfortable affluence, such as letting you know he can get into the most exclusive venues.”

“So what you’re saying is that Simon has no idea on how to romance,” Kaylee asked, still stretched out on the floor. River looked over at her friend and smiled as she happily nodded.

“So what do you suggest I do?” Kaylee asked. “What do women do in the Core when the men they like don’t make a move soon enough.”

“Nothing,” River replied.

“Nothin’!?” Kaylee echoed and River nodded.

“They just move on to the next best prospect,” River answered.

Kaylee eyed River and giggled. With an evil grin, she leaned over and whispered something in River’s ear, laughing out loud as the young pilot’s eyes widened.

*****

Jayne sat alone in the galley sharpening his knives. The repetitive motion calmed him, like meditatin’ and other sorts of go se Inara was always talking about. Gave him time to think stuff through, though sometimes that wasn’t always a good thing. Like right now he was trying not to think on a certain little crazy person with huge brown eyes and gorgeous dancer legs who could kill a man forty-two different ways with a pair of chopsticks.

Nope. Definitely not thinking about that.

Frustrated, he set his knife down on the table and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt like he was going crazy. Seems like she’d been on his mind a lot more lately and nothing was making her go away. The vision of her standing there as those doors slid open, gripping that sword and that axe, dripping in Reaver blood was too much for his brain to handle. Yep, she was there, firmly planted in the area of his brainpan that controlled his deepest fantasies and desires.

Now the question was, what was he going to do about it?

Jayne glanced up as the object of his desire floated into the room with Kaylee by her side. The two were giggling like schoolgirls, and while Jayne would usually find the cheerfulness annoying, today he found it cute. Which in his mind, was just another sign that maybe he really was going crazy. He picked up his knife and pretended to be busy cleaning it. Anything to keep himself from watching the girl.

“Hey Jayne,” Kaylee said in her usual high-pitched voice. Jayne grunted and gave a nod in their direction. Best not encourage too much talking. He might have to look at Crazy and no telling what that would do to his calm. Crazy ruttin’ mind-readin’ genius.

“We were wondering if you could help us with something,” Kaylee continued. The two girls sat down at the table across from him. Kaylee was looking like her usual grease monkey self with coveralls hanging open and a smudge of dirt on her forehead. However, River had on a new dress. At least, he thought it was new. Maybe it wasn’t new. But it fit her all shiny-like, not like those old bags she used to wear. And he was convinced there was something different with her hair. Maybe she had just combed it. But it looked all pretty and silk-like. River tilted her head and gave him an odd look.

Go se! He quickly looked back down at his knife, the table, anywhere but at her.

“Whaddya want?” he said gruffly, like the mean old mercenary he was. Kaylee continued speaking, seemingly oblivious to his obvious discomfort.

“Well, we need your help in making Simon see what an idiot he’s being,” she answered with a grin. Jayne cocked an eyebrow and stared at her.

“Wha’ for?” he asked. “Aintcha already sexin’ him up?” Kaylee rolled her eyes at the mercenary and gave River a sideways glance. River felt a bit sick at the thought of her brother sexin’ anyone, but took a deep breath and reminded herself that Kaylee was her friend and needed her help. Jayne chuckled at the slight green color River was turning. Kaylee, however, just continued talking.

“Yes, and he’s real good at that and all but he ain’t too good in the romance department.”

“So whatcha want me to do?” Jayne grunted. It was useless pretending he was busy with his knives, especially with that crazy beautiful pilot sitting at the table staring at him with those big doe eyes. Hell, had she even blinked? That wasn’t pretty, that was just downright creepifyin’.

River blinked twice and interrupted Kaylee.

“I think maybe we need to re-evaluate the plan, Kaylee,” she said as she rose from her chair. Kaylee shook her head and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her back down into the chair.

“No way,” she said with a wide smile. “This is just too perfect.” Jayne huffed in frustration.

“Well, if it’s so gorram perfect, then get on with it!” he said. “I ain’t got all ruttin’ day!” Kaylee giggled and River raised an eyebrow.

“You gotta pretend to court me!” Kaylee exclaimed, clapping her hands excitedly.

Jayne just about fell out of his chair at Kaylee’s proclamation.

“I gotta what?” he exclaimed. “Why I gotta do that for?”

“Jayne, this is a good idea,” she said. “Simon don’t have no role models on how to properly romance someone. So while he’s good in the sack and all, he don’t really know much of anything else. So he needs someone to act all romantic-like so he knows how to win the girl.” Jayne blinked twice and looked from the mechanic to the pilot.

He could remember how his pa always brought his ma home flowers and danced with her in the kitchen. That was the way folks that loved each other acted. Course, he’d never done that for a girl. Mind you, he’d never loved a girl before. A thought quickly flashed through his mind of him and River dancing slowly together in the galley. He gulped and looked away quickly. Wouldn’t do to have those thoughts around a mind-reader.

“K, so I’m not quite following,” he replied. “Why do ya need me to pretend to court you?” Kaylee rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Well, it was all River’s idea,” she explained carefully. River sat up straight and shook her head.

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was,” Kaylee replied. “You said Core girls just move on to the next prospect. Simon just needs a little competition is all. Gotta let him know this cow ain’t always gonna be givin’ away her milk for free, you know.”

“This is true. Jealousy is a powerful motivator,” River explained carefully to Jayne, trying to ignore the sinking feeling that was settling in the pit of her stomach. “Makes people do what they normally wouldn’t. Break out of their shell and confront their true feelings.”

“And it ain’t like there’s a lot of romance on the ship,” Kaylee continued. “Wash and Zoe were already married long before Simon came on board. And it ain’t like Mal would even consider it since he’s too busy trying to woo Inara.” Jayne chuckled.

“So you are the logical choice,” River said, looking up at him. Jayne met her gaze and raised an eyebrow.

“How do you figure that?” he replied. “Your brother’s likely to stick me with some sort of strange concoction ‘fore I can do any romancing. Not to mention Mal and Zoe are likely to put a gun to my head. ‘Sides I ain’t hardly the romancing type. Kinda goes against my image, if’n ya know what I mean.”

“Will ensure that the father figure and his sidekick do not kill you,” River answered. “As for the boob, the primary motivation behind this plan is to spur him to action. But don’t worry, I will ensure he does not harm you.” Jayne grunted. Kaylee’s plan had too many holes in it and was likely to get him shot, or worse.

“Alright, I’ll do it,” he found himself saying. “But I better not get shot!” He quickly scooped up his knives and walked out of the mess without looking back. He kept walking until he reached bunk and climbed down the hatch into the solitude of his bunk. He put his knives away carefully and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Jayne didn’t know what was going to happen, but he knew he was royally humped.

*****

Kaylee quickly left the galley and returned to the engine room, leaving River alone to ponder what had just occurred. When she first stumbled across Kaylee’s frustration, she had intended to help her friend figure her brother out. Kaylee’s idea was flawed and illogical, but she was so excited about it, so River went along. But then she had caught a glimpse of Jayne’s thoughts and everything changed in an instant. The big man thought she was pretty. He actually liked her and when she remembered his vision of slow-dancing in the cargo bay, she felt a slight twinge of an unidentifiable emotion settle in her stomach. She was shocked to realize she actually liked the image.

It was preposterous. Ridiculous. Entirely and completely untrue. She could not possibly like his idea because she didn’t like him. She did not have any feelings for that big man-like ape beyond a passing annoyance at the very idea of his existence. He was there. They co-existed together as individuals, but nothing more. They weren’t even friends. He wasn’t even that handsome.

Well, maybe he was handsome. She could at least admit that much. But beyond that, he truly had nothing that recommended himself to her. He had tried to sell her out to the Feds on Ariel, after all.

But he realized his mistake and helped her and Simon get to safety, she argued with herself.

He also tried to get rid of her after the Maidenhead incident.

In his defense, he had tried to stop her in the bar and she had knocked him out. Plus, she was crazy.

He was arrogant and self-centered.

And fiercely loyal and protective of the women on his crew.

He was a killer.

But so was she.

River groaned and buried her face in her hands, frustrated at her inner battle. She had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that Kaylee’s latest scheme was a very, very bad idea.

</div>

Psycho's Fanfic

The Very Secret Diary of Howard Wolowitz

The Very Secret Diary of Penny ______.

The Very Secret Diary of Dr. Sheldon Cooper

The Ten Song Paradigm

The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis (5/5)

The Penny-Sheldon Truth Hypothesis

Mercy - another fanvid

The Tickling Equation

The Penny-Sheldon Hypothesis (2/5)

I wanna be your boyfriend

The Best Laid Plans - 7/7

10 little ficlets - Mal/River

The Best Laid Plans - 6/7

A quick note in the midst of a busy life....

The Best Laid Plans - Part 5

The Best Laid Plans - Part 4

Heart of Darkness - Chapter 9

*le sigh*

The Best Laid Plans - Part 3

The Best Laid Plans - Part 2

So Close

Heart of Darkness - Chapter 8

The Best Laid Plans

le sigh