i am, of course, not immune to logical fallacies. in my worst moments (which are frequent) i think to myself, “damn, i am SO AWFUL at BEING ALIVE.”

like, obviously, that is not true, but it certainly feels like it. even the basics of daily living often escape me. i struggle to eat due to appetite and sensory issues, and when you don’t eat your ability to do other stuff plummets. i have executive dysfunction too, making every action feel like an uphill battle. socializing, while a source of joy, wears me out completely. combining all those things with a general sense of suicidality, being alive at all has often felt like an agonizing problem to be solved.

recently, after that intrusive thought drilled its way into my brain once again, i decided to turn it on its head— what if i got REALLY GOOD at “being alive”? what if being alive felt like being a piano virtuoso? what if being alive felt like writing poetry?

i have decided to call my new mindset, which i am still exploring, living deftly.

i. what do i mean by living deftly?

living deftly is hard to define, and that is on purpose. it’s not a prescriptive checklist, it’s just a generalized turning of the mind towards improvement. it combines a growth mindset with the belief in ourselves and our existing/inherent abilities. living deftly is fundamentally related to my Doing The Work and also dbt’s Building Mastery.

here are some ideas that characterize my personal understanding of living deftly, so maybe my mindset shift can help you too.

1. getting better at stuff is fun and rewarding.

you probably have at least one thing that you are really, really good at. it puts you in flow, it brings you joy, and constantly fine-tuning and honing your skills in that area is just plain fun. it could be anything, like playing yu-gi-oh or baking mac and cheese. often, it comes with a sense of pride in your work, but it does not have to be something that is traditionally rewarded by society. (if you’re not bragging about it to your grandparents, you’re in good company.)

let me give you an example. for me, it’s poetry. when i write poetry, i feel completely in control of every part of the process, and while i am always getting better at it, i feel like i have at least a firm handle on each aspect of crafting a poem. in some ways it’s very intellectual (utilizing processes like vocabulary and reference), and in some ways it’s very instinctive (utilizing processes like rhythm). it’s not the only thing i’m good at, but it’s definitely the thing i feel most confident about.

with living deftly, we take our individual approach to whatever we are best at, and apply it to our general mindset on life. like writing poetry in my example, it is a process that is both intellectual and instinctual, but it is ultimately satisfying in both those arenas.

2. getting better at stuff is a never-ending process, which is part of why it’s fun and rewarding.

living deftly focuses on the process and NOT the outcome.

for example, lets look at how we could maybe get better at cleaning the bathroom. you could go for completeness (getting every little nook and cranny), finding the best products to work with through trial and error, or finding ways to progressively get more efficient. (some people are really inspired by time limits— i am not a speedrunner, fundamentally, but power to ya!)

rather than experiencing this as overwhelm, we gently and carefully get better over time. for example, maybe you’re sitting on the toilet and you spot an area of the sink that you forgot to wipe down, so now you know for next time— or you can do it as soon as you’re done shitting.

you’re never going to be the world champion of cleaning the bathroom (see tenet #4) and cleaning the bathroom is never going to be done forever, but getting better at something is, in my experience, inherently fun and rewarding.

3. optimism: you are already pretty good at stuff and have the capability of getting better.

at its basis, living deftly is a belief in our ability to improve. however, you are not starting from zero— there are always going to be things to work on, but you are subconsciously or consciously able to transfer skills from one area to another. (in my bathroom cleaning example, maybe you are really good at analyzing priorities from your work experience, or you have an iron stomach for dealing with gross messes from cleaning up after your pet.)

of course, there are many cases of legitimate disability in regards to a certain task or tasks of daily living, and i cannot tell you how to handle that within the framework of living deftly— that is fundamentally personal. i am going to say, though, that despite an ADHD diagnosis, living deftly has helped me with my executive dysfunction, so don’t be too quick to write something off as impossible.

4. your only competitor is yourself.

i believe the human love of mastery is pretty inherent, but it also might be underneath some cultural baggage about being “the best” or “the winner.” you may feel like if you’re not doing something worthy of an A+ or a first place ribbon, there is no point to doing it at all.

i think that this culturally-sanctioned competitiveness can be redirected towards yourself in a healthy manner. are you doing 1% better than yourself yesterday? then you’re moving forward, and that’s what counts.

5. live deftly with curiosity, in the spirit of an artist, chef, or a scientist.

living deftly might sound like an exhausting process, especially because i am applying it to literally everything in life, but for me, there is an inherent playfulness and curiosity that makes it actually LESS exhausting than feeling like i should already be good at everything.

if it helps, you can pretend to be a scientist doing experiments, a chef perfecting a recipe, or an artist making projects— whatever metaphor works for you. use your brain and have fun!

6. you don’t have to do everything forever.

just because you are living deftly, which involves a broad sense of developing mastery, doesn’t mean you have to be good at, or care about, everything. feel free to take NO interest in something specific or a lot of different things.

for example, i do not have to get really good at running because i will never run a marathon. it just doesn’t interest me and never has. however, working on strengthening my knees so going up the stairs doesn’t hurt? that’s a great thing to live deftly about.

ii. how to live deftly

okay, so those are the central ideas. how do YOU apply them?

1. notice what you are best at.

my idea of living deftly grew out of wondering what would happen if i applied my attitude towards writing poetry to everything in my life. i practiced being a poet when i did the dishes and when i was at work.

try to decide on one or two activities to use as a lens for everything else. be a yu-gi-oh player when you’re doing math, or be a home chef when you are making pottery. this will ground the practice of living deftly in YOUR reality.

you may also want to make an inventory of what you’re already good at, in preparation for applying those skills to the rest of your life. totally optional though.

2. do experiments (or works of art) and observe.

once again, you’re going to be an artist, scientist, chef, or pro yu-gi-oh player and go about your day with that attitude. do whatever you were going to do anyway, but with the eye of someone seeking expertise.

take little “what ifs” and put them into action. test hypotheses. what if i add a different kind of breadcrumbs to my mac and cheese? what if i load the dishwasher more or less densely— do the dishes get cleaner? what if i take a walk in the afternoons— will i be less tired in the evening? what if i watch a youtube video on knife skills to make chopping soup ingredients easier? am i trading efficiency for effectiveness or can i have both?

analyze the results. if you would like to observe formally, like in a notebook, you can, but you absolutely don’t have to. just fine-tune and hone over time.

your thoughts

please let me know your thoughts about living deftly, how you could apply it to your own life, or any questions you’ve got about it!

for more of my work and projects, check out linktr.ee/bugtourmaline.