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I've been significantly absent as of late, which is probably so apparent that I didn't even need to state it as a fact. Of course, I mean absent in more ways than one, and it's been this way for awhile.
I have spent these last weeks rushing: working, shopping for the dorm, meeting my roommate, getting ready for college, freaking out about finances, seeing as many people as possible before they leave all while still trying to keep myself in check. To be completely honest, I feel like I've spent the entire year rushing, and in some ways I regret my inability to just slow down and enjoy - actually enjoy - what was happening for awhile.
I guess it's normal and natural, though perhaps not necessarily "healthy", to be regretful - or at least mindful - of the past as you embark on a new adventure. And while I'm reacting that way for certain, I don't feel that it's justified. The friends I grew up with and have shared a lifetime with are all moving - literally moving - onward, and I'm progressing to a quick jog down the street.
I know it's not where you live or what you do that defines you, but I can't help feeling like somewhere along the way I made the wrong decision for the wrong reason. Ultimately that remains to be seen, after all I can't begin doubting myself and my experience when it hasn't even begun yet, can I? I'm just afraid that my "brand new life" and experiences won't be as new and refreshing as I had hoped, and won't allow me to make the change for the better.
This whole year was about change and progression for me, which again I'm sure is a natural tendency for people in my situation about to make this transition to college and "life". But I feel like a lot of the changes may have been for the worst - unintentionally - or that perhaps I didn't gain the perspective I needed on my decisions in order for me to truly discover what I did right and what I did wrong.
This summer has been a mish-mash of events and emotions that have had an immense effect on me, but I feel like I haven't been able to either a) come to terms with that or 2) express, in specifics, these occurrences in my ol' LJ here. The latter is due not to the fact that I feel as though I have outgrown LiveJournal or my "need" for it, instead it is that my journal does not reflect me personally so I don't feel as though I can expose myself in all the ways necessary. Mostly this is because I am unsure who is reading, and why.
This journal has become increasingly friends only as the content has become more and more personal and introspective. Therefore I think it's time for a bit of a LJ face-lift of sorts. A friends cleansing, a new username, a new layout, etc. Since I'm hell-bent on changing every other aspect of my life, why not let this one follow suit?
Anyway, the entry following this one will (hopefully) be a chance to begin... again. I realized I could never abandon this journal, but I can re-create it. Those of you who want to continue to read can comment on the next entry. (Comments here will be disregarded, mostly because that's too much to keep track of.)
From here on out it will be friends only entries only. I feel like I need to go through, get rid of all the dead journals as well as those who have always wanted an excuse to be let out, but never found one, in order to come back and finally approach this with the respect and truth necessary, instead of covering up what happened and why in creative cryptic posts. I've been cleaning up everywhere else in my life, it's time to do so here as well.
In the meantime, comment with suggestions for new names! Your input and opinions are always appreciated!
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