Prozac Nation
When he finally wound down and lost a little energy I reminded him of all the accomplishments that I've made and how I often talk about the fact that him and I are one of a kind and most people with addiction problems don't come out of it like we did, succesfully. I pointed out times, places and conversations where I spoke of how proud I was of myself. The one thing that may take me almost a lifetime to forgive myself of is the kids though and he had to just fucking give that to me or leave.
Then he realized he was wrong. it wasn't at all like he accused me of. I don't sit around and talk about what a horrible, nasty person I am all the time. I work hard for my achievments and I acknowledge them often. I may be terrified to try things I don't feel I'm capable of but that doesn't mean I won't try.
The whole thing started over Lowes. He said I should apply. I told him I was scared I would fuck up because I don't know anything about paint, home remodeling, etc... He got so mad over that, screaming at me that me being so down on myself and refusing to try anything for fear of failure was affecting him in a seriously negative way. We fought all night and all day the next day.
Back to him calming down though, when he finally did I informed him how I had gone to put my application in at Lowes and I had intended to all along. Just because I was scared didn't mean I wasn't going to give it a shot. He looked dumbfounded and said if I'd just told him that at the start we wouldn't have even fought. Oh, well, maybe if I'd been able to get a word in edgewise. maybe if I'd been heard over all the screaming. Maybe if he'd just stop thinking about his own fucking problems constantly and just open his fucking ears and LISTEN to me and hear me. I honestly don't know why I bother talking to him because he doesn't listen and it really hurts. How do you talk to someone who who isn't listening enough to even know when they've been asked a question?
We watched Prozac Nation. It scared me how much she reminded me of myself because I saw just how unstable I really am. on the other hand it kind of showed Mark how hard it is to fight that bitter demon. I've been on Prozac. I've been on Remeron, Paxil, Wellbuterin and about 3 more I can't remember the names of. Some helped, some didn't, but they all made me into a zombie. Now I'm on weed and it seems to suit me just fine.
Mark gets angry at me easily sometimes. He goes into a dry drunk and takes it out on me. I don't dare say a word though because it only makes it worse. Never accuse a recovering alcoholic of being in a dry drunk.
I think he hid the knives. I haven't slashed myself in two years but there are no knives to be found. Does he really think I'd go back to that way? I have to wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather just to hide the scars from my daughter because I see her eyes get teary and she gets quiet everytime they are exposed. She's afraid I'll try again. I'd rather she forget the scars are there. I will never do anything that will risk the only child of mine that I am able to see. I will never leave her. Not by car, train, boat, plane, foot, or death. My life is about her and making sure I am 100% stable and succesful when the others are old enough to come find me, or me find them. This is now what my life is about and if Mark doesn't see that then maybe Mark should be paying a little more attention to his wife.
I think I'll go waste a few cops and ballas.
Then he realized he was wrong. it wasn't at all like he accused me of. I don't sit around and talk about what a horrible, nasty person I am all the time. I work hard for my achievments and I acknowledge them often. I may be terrified to try things I don't feel I'm capable of but that doesn't mean I won't try.
The whole thing started over Lowes. He said I should apply. I told him I was scared I would fuck up because I don't know anything about paint, home remodeling, etc... He got so mad over that, screaming at me that me being so down on myself and refusing to try anything for fear of failure was affecting him in a seriously negative way. We fought all night and all day the next day.
Back to him calming down though, when he finally did I informed him how I had gone to put my application in at Lowes and I had intended to all along. Just because I was scared didn't mean I wasn't going to give it a shot. He looked dumbfounded and said if I'd just told him that at the start we wouldn't have even fought. Oh, well, maybe if I'd been able to get a word in edgewise. maybe if I'd been heard over all the screaming. Maybe if he'd just stop thinking about his own fucking problems constantly and just open his fucking ears and LISTEN to me and hear me. I honestly don't know why I bother talking to him because he doesn't listen and it really hurts. How do you talk to someone who who isn't listening enough to even know when they've been asked a question?
We watched Prozac Nation. It scared me how much she reminded me of myself because I saw just how unstable I really am. on the other hand it kind of showed Mark how hard it is to fight that bitter demon. I've been on Prozac. I've been on Remeron, Paxil, Wellbuterin and about 3 more I can't remember the names of. Some helped, some didn't, but they all made me into a zombie. Now I'm on weed and it seems to suit me just fine.
Mark gets angry at me easily sometimes. He goes into a dry drunk and takes it out on me. I don't dare say a word though because it only makes it worse. Never accuse a recovering alcoholic of being in a dry drunk.
I think he hid the knives. I haven't slashed myself in two years but there are no knives to be found. Does he really think I'd go back to that way? I have to wear long sleeves in 90 degree weather just to hide the scars from my daughter because I see her eyes get teary and she gets quiet everytime they are exposed. She's afraid I'll try again. I'd rather she forget the scars are there. I will never do anything that will risk the only child of mine that I am able to see. I will never leave her. Not by car, train, boat, plane, foot, or death. My life is about her and making sure I am 100% stable and succesful when the others are old enough to come find me, or me find them. This is now what my life is about and if Mark doesn't see that then maybe Mark should be paying a little more attention to his wife.
I think I'll go waste a few cops and ballas.