While out to dinner with my husband recently, we were subjected to an expression that made me cringe. It fired up a pretty good conversation between us.

At the table next to us sat a couple, about a decade younger, who were married.

We knew they were married because at one point the husband told the waiter to get his wife “Anything she wants on the menu, no matter how expensive,” to which the waiter promptly replied, “Oh yes, you know what they say — happy wife, happy life!” Predictable laughter followed, of course.

Ugh!

My husband and I both rolled our eyes simultaneously.

We proceeded to dive into a conversation about why we both dislike this commonly used expression that somehow attempts to sum up the ingredients for a successful marriage into one very narrow and one-sided nutshell.

Although we both understood on some level why this expression is popular, we had some grievances with it. Mainly, it implies that the only happiness that matters within a marriage belongs to ONE person — the wife.

This got me thinking…

While I think most of us will agree that a wife in any marriage should indeed revel in the pursuit of happiness like any other human being, the implication that a wife should consistently be made happy at the expense of a husband/partner as long as she is happy — strikes me as not only reversely sexist but a fruitless concept regarding building a healthy, functioning partnership where both parties feel acknowledged and respected.

I suppose this begs the acknowledgment of another popular expression that goes something like, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

There is an implication here—to me—that a woman/mother is responsible for the moods of an entire household.

While it’s great that a woman’s happiness within a marriage has finally become a priority, we don’t necessarily need to go from one extreme to another.

If a wife/mother is in a bad mood or discontented within her marriage or household, is it up to her to mentally and emotionally yank herself out of her gloom and doom, or is it ultimately the job of a husband/partner to make sure she is happy because—happy wife, happy life!

If we truly want to value both partners in a heterosexual relationship, we should do that as equally as we can, for both partners.

Mind you, nothing in a marriage or long-term relationship will ever be completely equal, as those of us who are in these relationships already know. I don’t think anyone expects perfection regarding relationship equality. However, an effort towards both partners being heard and attended to in a relatively fair fashion should be the ultimate goal, in my opinion.

I discovered in my research of this expression, “Happy wife, happy life,” that it seems to have originated from a 1903 poem titled, ‘The Work and Wages Party.’ It was printed in a 1903 British paper reporting on labor wages and conflicts of the time. The verse reads, ‘With all the kids in Clover, A happy wife, a happy life, And a jolly good turnover.’

Take from that what you will, but it seems to be referring to making a living and having a happy household, written well over 100 years ago!

The phrase is outdated. It seems to have been taken out of context from its original form over the last century and has been popularized as a funny anecdote for modern marriage.

Many people will say there’s no harm in using an expression like “Happy wife, happy life,” but digging down deeper into the meaning of stuff like that is what I like to do. “Happy husband, happy life”? I guess that’s also a whole other article.

For me, in my marriage, I like the various stages of happiness to go both ways.

“Happy us, happy life.”