the past few weeks have been a rollercoaster, both good and bad.

i thought i would write this for clarity and to help me express what i’ve been feeling, but now i’ve got the page open, i don’t know where to start. or what to start with.

i met a girl. and things were great.

i had some of the most intellectually stimulating conversations of my life with her; a level of emotional & intellectual imtimacy i’ve never experienced before in my life.

and even though it’s over with her, i know my experience with her will be my benchmark for any future relationships.

and this makes me sad.

because it’ll always lead back to her.

it was freeing to have someone i could confide anything to.

she was the reason i started writing on substack, i have one finished article yet to publish. and i wrote it because of her.

because it felt good to know someone out there cared.

and found it interesting.

and i had someone to discuss these random things with.

and then it ended. she saw it as platonic, which confuses me, because to me it was anything but. i don’t exactly know what it was, but it felt like we were on the road to more than just friends.

and it didn’t feel great. it felt like a loss.

suddenly i had no one to bounce random ideas off.

no one to talk to late at night while thinking “i’m going to be so tired at school tomorrow but it’s so worth it”

no one to have open debates about politics and philosophy with at 2am on a schoolnight.

no one to tell about the random cool things that happened to me.

and no one to tell me about the random cool things that happened to them.

no one to bounce ideas off me, or ask me for help.

the loss of emotional 7 intellectual intimacy hurt, i have never experiencd either this deeply before. it is things like this where i believe time is better measured through events, rather than actual calender days.

the calendar duration wasn’t the longest, by all means it was rather short.

but if we pivot to event based time, a lot happened.

she was someone i could be open with, be myself around and trust to not judge.

and i hope she felt the same way with me.

it felt like even when things were bad it would be okay because she’d be there to help.

and she did help when i wasn’t feeling great.

i feel like she made me more almost introspective.

or rather, more purposely introspective.

in that she provided the purpose for the introspection.

and even now i have conversations that i wanted to have with her.

ideas i wanted to explore with her.

which now feel futile to explore alone.

and it felt like we had so much in common, similar life plans and goals.

and so i lament.

it is not just losing her i lament, but also the loss of someone i trusted, someone i could be open with, someone i could debate, someone i enjoyed talking to, someone i could joke with, someone else who also liked cats.

i lament all the conversation that could have been.

all the moments that could’ve been.

i lament the end of this connection, and i feel wistful for what could have been, the potential there was.

her impact on my life has been pivotal and will continue far beyond today.

and while it doesn’t feel great now, i know with time things will get better.

and her positive impacts will remain.

i will become a better person; i am aware of the impending butterfly effect.

how i choose to act now and my response will compound massively, and in that sense i can choose how it’ll impact the future me.

i can control this butterfly effect.

but that doesn’t make this moment any easier.

as she fades into becoming just somebody i used to know, a sense of bittersweet sadness envelops me.

it doesn’t feel great; but i am grateful for the experience

we have each other blocked on all forms of social media now.

nothing can be done.

its kinda funny bc i remember me and her having a convo about things happen for a reason vs that mindset is just to cope with the fact that we have no external purpose and its comforting to believe that theres a greater purpose and plan.

i gave her the example of poker, you can play perfectly and still lose bc of variance, so that loss couldn’t have happened for a reason, you did everything perfectly. but it still happened. maybe the same thing happened here. maybe there was no reason. but that is a lot harder than accepting bad things can happen with no reason and that there isn’t an overarching grand purpose.

and so

i can only ask

點解