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[13 Jun 2010|01:23am] |
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I started talking to Amber (purple hair girl) again. I would say more but I'm tired and this subject is gonna require more energy than I have now.
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[02 Dec 2009|07:44pm] |
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I'm not going to be able to hide how broken i feel right now. This is some fucking highschool shit all over again.
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| OH! yeah...about that.... just kidding!! |
[02 Dec 2009|05:42pm] |
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so yeah i thought i found this wonderful girl named Bri. turns out i'm just a number. way to fucking go eric you always find the winners....
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| a strange turn of events.... |
[28 Sep 2009|11:11pm] |
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so now that I was done with females it seems they are oh so eager to be with me. it makes no sense. I'm not kidding i just don't get it. There is Heidi, Samantha, Brianna, Ali, and a girl at work wants to set me up with one of her friends. What the hell? now granted I'm only guessing on Ali but every time i see that little smile i just can't help but think she likes me. I'm just at a loss of what to do. Cause Bri and I aren't together, and she lives in Minnesota. But I know and she knows that we are both interested in each other. It's so hard to figure out if I actually like someone, or if I like the idea of being liked so much. But the thing is that I don't want to lead people on and I don't want to hurt anyone. I just don't know how to handle this now that i'm actually getting attention. It seems like I'm losing either way. Once again I just don't know what to do...
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| next day |
[22 Jul 2009|09:21pm] |
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i feel so stupid, i was jealous. jealous that i wasn't good enough to be the guy. it was stupid to let that get to me. I just feel so stupid sometimes when stuff like this happens. so fucking stupid.
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| What the hell |
[22 Jul 2009|01:26am] |
It's been forever since I've been in high school and yet i always find myself in this position. I always end up the guy friend. The guy that the girls talk to about other guys while I sit there being single for the rest of my goddamn life. Fuck that, and fuck them and fuck this high school rerun. I'm sick of being overlooked for every jock and showoff that doesn't give a fuck about the girls they are with, and then i'm the one who hears all the shit they did. I just need to stop giving a fuck apparently then this won't happen anymore. hell i might even get a girl if i start acting like an asshole and treat them like shit, who knows? fuck all this and fuck the idea of ever finding the one for me. I'm so damn good at being the guy friend I should make it a fucking business. I could see the business card now "Eric W. Professional Guy Friend That You Wouldn't Even Consider For Anything Else But That." I'm sure I could get some clients real quick. I could be like a local Dr. Drew. Fuck that, i don't want that, i don't want to be stuck here forever. I swear if i don't find anyone by the time i'm 35 i'm just gonna go hang myself of jump off a cliff. Fuck this hunt for this legendary thing called love, for all i care it's like bigfoot and all that other shit. fuck it. and fuck you for thinking you can just dump all your shit on me. You know what I hate the most? When I get asked 'what do you think if i did this?' or 'he's just so confusing, you're a guy, what does that mean?' yes i am a guy damnit, and fuck you for rubbing it in my face that i'm only good enough to run ideas by before you make yourself look like a desperate girl just wanting to get laid. grow up if he likes you he'll let you know, otherwise fuck off he just want's to get in you pants. Done. And don't you ask me again you cunt.
/endrant
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| 4 years later and i'm still stuck on you. |
[11 Feb 2009|01:14pm] |
Yes I'm talking about you Amber. Also known as purple hair girl. I still think about her, I still miss her. Every time I think about her my heart just hurts. It feels so heavy when i think about her. Not telling her I loved her when I had the chance is the only thing i regret in my life so far. I've been stuck on her for 4 years. I can't even like anyone anymore. every time i try a relationship i feel fake. cause well i am being fake. i'm trying to force feelings that aren't there. I didn't know it but i gave her my heart. I just keep thinking about her, every day it seems.
And for those of you who don't know who i'm talking about, here's some backstory. i loved her the first time i saw her. she was the most beautiful girl i had ever seen. I saw her first my freshman year during breakfast in the cafeteria at UL. I couldn't help but stare i completely froze when i saw her. She was wearing a brown shirt that said 'muggle' and dark eyeliner. those eyes, those eyes were amazing. But i was too nervous to ever sit and talk with her. so the semester came and went and i hoped to see her next semester during breakfast again. but she never showed, and that's the first time i lost her. Then almost a year later me and some friends were at barnes and nobels and who do i see in the isles but her. she was working there but instead of long black hair with streaks of dark purple it was bleach blonde and short. I paced the isles feeling my legs tremble beneath me i was afraid i was going to pass out. Finally i went up to her and told her about how she probably didn't remember me from the cafeteria, but i did. That's when i found out her name was amber, and i asked her on a date. She gave me her number and we had dinner a day or so later. We stayed good friends for a long while, she didn't want to be in anything serious she said cause she had just gotten out of a serious relationship. so i said ok and didn't try to make a move on her. Eventually one night we were leaving a restaurant and she turned and looked at me and said, "Why don't you like me anymore?" Me being astonished told her I had never stopped and that i was giving her space like she had asked. But i loved her so much, and i told her. she asked if i ment it and i was scared, i had never been in love before. so i hesitated and said something stupid, it wasn't no but i guess it might as well of been. Then i guess we started hanging out less and less. I should never of let her go. And now fast forward to present. I messaged her in late november and since she doesn't check myspace much she wrote me back mid december with a house number. I was so scared to call her. I tried to put it out of my head but i couldn't. till last night at work i couldn't take it anymore. someone brought up the name pookie and i remembered that she had a tattoo of pookie from Garfield on her arm. well that was it i've thought about her all day again and i finally called and what do i get? busy tone. like it's off the hook or the number doesn't work anymore. I hope she's talking with people and that i didn't loose here again. And even if she's over me and wants nothing to do with me, i just want to hear it from her. I can always guess but if she says it, well i guess that's the closure i need. i can't live my life with her still in my heart. it makes it impossible to even consider a real relationship. I wonder if she might feel the same way....
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| overdue update |
[29 Jan 2009|12:29pm] |
So I'm back in school, again. This time I can't screw up, like at all. And for those of you that didn't know I'm going for psychology. I kinda figured it takes one to know one lol. But seriously it's something I think i've always been good at and something I could actually see myself doing for the rest of my life. One catch. I'd be going for my doctorate. That's right the guy who could barely find motivation to even get up in the morning has now decided not only to finish school but to go through another 4 years of it after graduating. Oh how things change. I'm really excited about this and besides I think Dr. Webre sounds pretty fucking cool lmao. So yeah that's the plan. And I still work at CC's they didn't fire me and they didn't even say much really. All I had to say was "mental breakdown" and they left it alone. Oh and in other good news I'm finally on medication that helps me do what i need to do on a day to day basis. Everything is so much clearer now, like there was a fog over everything that i saw and since i couldn't see it I was so afraid to do anything about it. But now i can see it, I can see it all. I know what I need to do and i've never felt so sure about what i'm doing with my life than I do right now. And as I type this I think back to my other posts and see how bad it really was and remembering all that shows me that I had to go through all that to get where I am today. We are the result of many decisions in our life and i'm so glad that i've made the ones i had. Even if they were the wrong ones at the time, it's gotten me here. And i'm so glad to be here. :)
Catch you all later,
-Eric
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| some things never change... |
[18 Dec 2008|09:59pm] |
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So i had a job at CC's, that is until i didn't go to work today and didn't call in. I'm pretty sure i'm fired. This isn't like me. What the hell. I don't know what i'm doing at all. I failed out of ULL this semester too. Everything is my fault. I'm smarter than this. I'm better than this. What the fuck. I bet i was supposed to die in that crash my senior year. everything since then has just been a downhill shitstorm and it was all my fault. I could blame some on depression but really? what kind of shit is that, that i can't even control my own emotions? That i let it have such a hold on me that it debilitates me? I'm hurt, upset, down, and just gah I'm the reason for all my problems. I am the main cause. Honestly the only reason i'm still alive is that I don't want to hurt my parents and friends. I know it would crush my parents. I don't know how Andrew would do, but he would try to hide it. I'm just not cut out for anything, not anything that i can find. So i can't kill myself and i can't live without making my life miserable. i'm ashamed of who i am right now. i mean nothing to myself, i hate myself. i'm worthless. and i'm right. i hate myself
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| just to show that i'm alive |
[18 Jun 2008|12:16am] |
yep, still here. i need a job, but i hate job hunting. Anyone wanna come? Or anyone got a job for me?
anyone want me?
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