late night (when you need my love)

late night (when you need my love)
4159 words / suho x sehun, side!suho x kai, side!chanyeol x sehun / r / angst
A year after they stop seeing each other, Sehun gets a text from Junmyeon saying, ‘I miss you how have you been’.
warnings: infidelity (2 counts)
a/n: title from drake's hotline bling

*** A year after they stop seeing each other, Sehun gets a text from Junmyeon saying, ‘I miss you how have you been’. Sehun doesn’t tell Junmyeon he misses him too even though he does, but he thinks it doesn’t matter as he texts back, ‘I’ve been fine, how have you been’. Then, Sehun thinks it matters because Junmyeon texts back, ‘I’ve been missing you’. Sehun, right now, is in the bed of a guy he has been sleeping with. The guy’s name is Chanyeol and he’s asleep, an arm thrown over Sehun’s belly and a leg thrown over Sehun’s hips. Tree-esque, Sehun is stiff, staring at his phone, a glowing, 2.7” x 4.8” rectangle that seems to float in the middle of the room on its own accord, trying to light the walls. Sehun stares at his phone. Sehun thinks about throwing it across the room or setting it on fire with his eyes, but they are both things that he shouldn’t, and probably couldn’t, do. Junmyeon texts again and Sehun’s phone trembles in his hand. Junmyeon texts, ‘It’s okay if you don’t miss me but I just wanted you to know I miss you’. Sehun stares at his phone. His eyes sting and he wants to go to bed but he can’t now. Junmyeon texts again and Sehun’s phone shakes again. Junmyeon texts, ‘I miss you and I love you’. Sehun, after a moment of paralysis, texts back, ‘Stop manipulating me’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘I’m not manipulating you’. Sehun texts, ‘Yes you are’. But, Sehun is weak, so he texts, too, ‘Is he there right now’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘No, but even if he were I would be missing you’. Sehun texts, ‘Yeah’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘Please’. Sehun texts, ‘No’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘Please please please I need you’. Sehun texts, ‘Please don’t’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘Sehun please I love you so much’. Then, Sehun stops texting for a minute and reaches over, pushing Chanyeol’s legs off of his lower body. He wriggles and pulls away from Chanyeol’s grasp and Chanyeol snorts and it’s ugly, Sehun thinks. Chanyeol can’t give him anything. Sehun tries to be as quiet as he can as he pushes blankets off his body and sits up. He reaches down onto the ground and picks up whatever clothing he can find. He can’t find a sock, so he forgoes them, pulling on the rest of his outfit. He reaches for his phone again, looks at Chanyeol on the bed, and thinks, ‘Chanyeol can’t give me anything’ one more time so he doesn’t feel so bad about leaving Chanyeol’s apartment. He checks his phone, reads the time, feels doomed, and then texts Junmyeon, ‘I hate you’. Then, he texts Junmyeon again, ‘I hate you so much I’m going over there right now and it better be real this time’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘It’s real, I promise it’s real’. Sehun leaves the building and texts, ‘You said that last time’. Junmyeon texts back, ‘I know’. It’s cryptic, Sehun thinks, too cryptic, so he texts, ‘I’m driving now don’t text me anymore’. Sehun doesn’t start driving immediately. Instead, he stands outside of his car, which is pulled into a parking space outside of Chanyeol’s apartment complex. He recalls a time, sometime in the recent past, in which Junmyeon had texted him, similarly, and Chanyeol stood at his balcony, looked down at Sehun, and yelled for him to come back, yelled that he could give Sehun whatever he needed. Sehun recalls thinking that it was impossible, he wasn’t going to believe that again, so he got into his car and drove off to see Junmyeon. Junmyeon had once promised him anything and everything and he hadn’t given Sehun anything, so Sehun, being undaft, vowed to never believe it again, no one could ever tell him that and mean it. But, Sehun, being daft, couldn’t stop believing Junmyeon. Sehun didn’t want to stop believing Junmyeon and he still doesn’t, so he gets into the car, slams the door, throws his phone into the cup holder, throws on his seatbelt, and pulls out of the parking lot. It’s been raining, so the road is slick. Street lights reflect off the cement and the ground glows green. As Sehun pulls into the city, into the streets of downtown to get to another city’s uptown, he watches nightclub lights rhythmically flash onto the pavement, playing some sort of song. At red lights, Sehun looks over at the sidewalks and he sees people, smiling and laughing and holding drinks and taking pictures together. Sehun thinks, with humour yet dryly, ‘how could the night be so alive when I feel so dead inside’. *** Junmyeon really thinks he means it this time. He thinks it right after Jongin leaves his apartment, he thinks it right after he texts Sehun the first time, he thinks it right after he texts Sehun the second time, and he thinks it for many, many texts after that. He still thinks it when there are three knocks at his door and the clock reads 2:38 AM. He still thinks it when he puts his hand on the knob and turns it and he still thinks it when he’s looking down at shoes, at old Converse that had been a present from Junmyeon himself. He stops thinking it, and he may stop thinking entirely when he looks up, at a face and into eyes that had once been filled with mirth and other childlike qualities. The eyes now possess a quality quite like boredom, a perpetually stoic expression now fixed onto the face that Junmyeon had once loved, still loves, so much, with ten of his heart. Sehun, the boy standing at the door, says, “I’m here.” Junmyeon, mouth dry, says, “I see that. Please come in.” Junmyeon sidesteps and lets Sehun enter his apartment. Sehun finds his way easily and sits down on the couch after removing his Converse. Junmyeon stares at Sehun’s feet, bare, and offers a Wet Wipe, in case Sehun’s feet feel dirty after not wearing socks. Sehun says that it’s fine. Sehun has his hands in his pockets and Junmyeon stares at him from a safe distance, like Sehun is behind a partition, like there’s some sort of invisible barrier that needs to be torn down. Sehun relaxes into Junmyeon’s couch and Junmyeon watches Sehun carefully. Sehun turns his head and Junmyeon catches Sehun’s glance and Sehun says, “I hate you.” It doesn’t hurt even though it should, Junmyeon thinks, because even though Sehun is saying it now, he probably won’t be saying it later. “What do you want from me?” Sehun asks. “I’m here, so what do you want?” *** Sehun knows what Junmyeon wants, but he asks anyway as he’s sitting in the middle of Junmyeon’s living room, washed over with the glow of the only light in the room, daylight bulbs trying to bathe the walls with their yellow color. Junmyeon, usually pale, looks jaundiced, looks bruised and stained, looks how the sun would look if it made one poor decision too many. But Junmyeon, standing there, makes Sehun feel as if something has illuminated. It’s like some sort of fire has been stoked and rekindled, like some sort of warmth is trying hard to get under his jacket. So, he takes his coat off and shoves it behind him as he waits for Junmyeon’s answer. Junmyeon walks closer to the couch and Sehun scoots over, making space for Junmyeon to sit. “I want you,” Junmyeon says, and Sehun’s brain is screaming, letting Sehun know that Junmyeon is a dirty liar. “Really?” Sehun asks instead, because it seems as if it’s not his brain that talks for him anymore, but actually his heart, thudding fast and erratically in his chest, ready to beat away, ready to run away and fall into Junmyeon’s lap. “Of course,” Junmyeon responds. “I’ve always wanted you.” ‘Liar liar liar liar liar,’ Sehun thinks. Sehun says, “Oh. You said that last time.” “I know, but I mean it this time,” Junmyeon says. “I promise, I do.” “If you don’t, I’ll be mad,” Sehun says. “I’ll be more mad than last time and the time before combined.” “I know,” Junmyeon says. “But I mean it.” Junmyeon reaches over and puts his hand on Sehun’s lap. Sehun freezes even though Junmyeon’s palm is radiating heat. It’s so inviting and Sehun thinks he could just melt and be reduced to nothing but a pile of goo. But, instead of melting, Sehun moves, pushes his Junmyeon’s hand away in a final act of strength and says, “Prove it.” And Sehun, because he’s given up, lets Junmyeon prove it. *** He asks if it’s okay when he starts to take off Sehun’s clothes. They’ve relocated to Junmyeon’s bed and Sehun is beneath Junmyeon, looking up with that bored, tired expression. However, Sehun says, “Yes.” Junmyeon asks, “Are you sure?” Sehun says, “Yes. Please take my clothes off.” Junmyeon says, “Okay.” Junmyeon takes Sehun’s clothes off. He takes Sehun’s shirt, pants, and underwear off, in that order. As he does as such, he watches Sehun breathe, watches Sehun’s pale, flat chest heave, up and down, up and down, up and down and maybe he watches for too long and doesn’t do anything because then, Sehun’s chest seems to beat rapidly, and Junmyeon, who has his hands on Sehun’s after he’s undressed him, can feel sweat building on Sehun’s palms. “You’re going to cry,” Junmyeon says. “If you want me to stop, please tell me.” “I’m not going to cry,” Sehun says. “Do you want me to stop?” Junmyeon asks. “No,” Sehun says. “I want you to fuck me and make me yours again.” Then, Junmyeon is silent because he thinks he means it again. The moment, however, is fleeting. The moment gets frightened because Junmyeon gets frightened, especially when Sehun suddenly clambers onto his knees, putting his arms on Junmyeon’s shoulders, putting his face right up to Junmyeon’s face, so close, and Junmyeon brings his hands up, puts his palms in the air and lets Sehun settle between them in case he loses balance and Junmyeon has to be there to catch him. Junmyeon has never been able to catch him. He hasn’t ever been able to catch him physically or emotionally but he’d never admit it even though he knows. “Can you do that?” Sehun asks. “Could you just do that, for me?” Junmyeon stares at Sehun, who looks like nothing but a lamb leading itself to slaughter, eyes wide and imploring as they ask of Junmyeon something so dirty so innocently, something virginal in the way his body is practically still, bare, open, waiting, pale and awash with a yellow glaze that covers his skin, the color seeming almost gold to Junmyeon, whose own hands tremble as they reach out and touch, touch something that shouldn’t be, but is so wholly, his. “I need you,” Sehun says, and Junmyeon thought he needed him, too, but now that Sehun is here, seconds away from his fingertips, he’s not so sure if he can give Sehun what he needs. “You said you needed me too and I’m here now, so you can have me.” *** Being Junmyeon’s has never been the problem because even Sehun knows that he would do whatever Junmyeon asks. That’s why Sehun, no matter the time, drives to Junmyeon’s whenever he gets a text that so much as suggests that Junmyeon might need him for longer than three hours. But, he’s been getting better; it used to take just one text. Now, it takes maybe two or three. The problem has always been making Junmyeon his. Sehun wants to be the one to ask for Junmyeon and get him within three seconds. He wants to be the one able to ask Junmyeon for anything and get all that he had asked in return. He wants Junmyeon to have been telling the truth when he’d made that promise in the past, the same one that Chanyeol had tried to make from the balcony. He wants to own Junmyeon the way Junmyeon may as well own him. But, instead, he doesn’t own Junmyeon and Junmyeon is just a liar. A liar who is touching him with hurried palms and broken promises, trying to feed Sehun’s famished body through bony fingertips, attempting to salvage Sehun’s ability to trust, even though he isn’t aware of it. Junmyeon is fully clothed, pressing his palms flat against Sehun’s chest. Junmyeon is wearing a ring on his left ring finger and it’s cold as it presses against Sehun’s skin. It’s cold, but it sears, because Sehun knows that the ring is one that matches with one that Junmyeon’s boyfriend has. Sehun doesn’t look at it and instead looks at Junmyeon’s face, which is just seconds away from his own. Junmyeon looks into Sehun’s eyes for only a moment, but he looks away quickly, down at the backs of his own hands. Sehun almost winces. Sehun asks, “Are you going to take me or not?” Junmyeon keeps touching, hands smoothing along Sehun’s sides. Sehun wants to scream. Sehun says, “I’m tired, Junmyeon, I really am.” Junmyeon finally looks back up and Sehun looks over at him. Sehun asks, “Are you going to make me yours?” Sehun thinks, ‘are you going to be mine?’ *** Junmyeon says yes because he’s a liar. They both know he’s a liar but neither of them want to admit it because they both have too much face to save. Junmyeon, if he were to expose himself to Sehun as a liar, if he were to state it bluntly, would be losing his credibility. He fears that Sehun, after hearing the words come from his own mouth, would stop showing up and stop needing him. Sehun, if he were to get Junmyeon to crack, if he were to get Junmyeon to just admit it, would be nothing but foolish. He fears that Junmyeon, after being exposed, would, in turn, expose him of being mindless, for chasing the love of a liar. So, Junmyeon keeps lying and Sehun remains a fool, but they’re a liar and a fool together as Sehun falls back onto the bed and Junmyeon undresses. Junmyeon fits himself between Sehun’s legs and leans down to kiss him. Junmyeon’s hands grope aimlessly as if they’re seeking something. Sehun shamelessly offers his body, pushing up into Junmyeon’s hands. Sehun reaches up and puts his hands against the sides of Junmyeon’s neck. He can feel Junmyeon’s pulse. They kiss until they’re sweaty and hot and they have to pull away to breathe. *** Three knuckles deep, Junmyeon says, “I can give you everything you want.” Filled with three knuckles, Sehun asks, “Do you promise?” Junmyeon hums as an answer and it’s so ambiguous that Sehun has to press, “Please.” “Okay, I promise,” Junmyeon says. “Do you mean it?” Sehun asks. Junmyeon doesn’t respond for eight seconds. Sehun says, “Never mind.” And Junmyeon works Sehun open with not only his fingers but also his words, because he’s leaning down, pressing his lips against Sehun’s neck and muttering things, beautiful things that hold some sort of promise, words that feel empty as they come out but feel full when they go in, seeping through Sehun’s bone to his core, his heart thumping the same way rain taps against Junmyeon’s window: unabashedly and loudly. Junmyeon says, “I love you so much, baby, you’re all mine.” Sehun responds, “I’m all yours.” Soon, Junmyeon undresses properly and spreads Sehun’s legs and sinks into him, all while promising Sehun that he can provide, even though he can’t. However, Sehun keeps believing blindly, allowing Junmyeon to plunder his body and bestow unto him a pleasure that courses through him, serpentine as it travels his skin and nerves. It’s hot as Junmyeon takes him, and he’s sweating, thinking that he may as well be damned. Yet, there is no sin more delicious than the one of Junmyeon’s touch, no lust more severe than the bruises Junmyeon’s fingertips cast onto Sehun’s pallid skin, discoloring a palette of innocence, soiling the feigned virginity that Sehun’s body promises. Sehun winces with every dig into his hips, every imprint left behind, every miniscule fire being stoked against him. As if to retaliate, Sehun’s fingers drag against Junmyeon’s skin, leaving trails of red along his back where his nails attempt to break through Junmyeon’s exterior, as if to see what lies inside and beneath, trying to find some semblance of truth. However, the only fruit that Sehun seems to have been promised is one that he should have been forbade instead; yet, he takes and he takes what he has found, greed consuming him as easily as lust had. Naïveté has never been Sehun’s best friend, anyway. It has never led him anywhere good and it doesn’t seem like it ever will. Junmyeon kisses Sehun and Sehun feels smothered and loved. Junmyeon says, “Baby, you’re all mine and I can give you anything you want and you know it and I know I haven’t always been there and I know it’s hard for you to know that I love you and even harder for me to tell you that, but I mean it, I love you a lot and I need you and I would be nothing without you, just like you’d be nothing without me, right?” “Right,” Sehun says. “And I know you don’t believe me but I really, really, really would be nothing without you. The others have meant nothing to me at all.” “Yes.” *** Junmyeon is lying to himself when he thinks he doesn’t mean it because he really, really means it. He means it now and he’s always meant it, but he can’t tell Sehun that, because as much as he’d like to give Sehun what he wants, he can’t bring himself to. “I want to give you everything you want,” Junmyeon says. “Why don’t you, then?” Sehun asks. Junmyeon grunts and Sehun moans, head tipping back. They’re still fucking. “Why don’t you?” Sehun asks again. “I don’t know,” Junmyeon responds. “Wait,” Sehun says. He reaches up and pushes Junmyeon away. He gets on his hands and knees and then says, “Fuck me like this.” Junmyeon fucks him like that. “Fuck me hard,” Sehun says. “Fuck me like you mean it, fuck me like you love me, like you say you love me.” Junmyeon fucks Sehun hard and fucks Sehun like he means it but he doesn’t fuck Sehun like he loves him because he can’t give Sehun what he wants, like there’s something holding him back from being able to deliver what Sehun deserves. And whatever this force is annoys him, so he fucks Sehun even harder for that reason, because he’s so annoyed with himself and the invisible force which holds him back from loving Sehun with all of his heart and body. Junmyeon fucks Sehun so hard that Sehun cries as he screams for more and mercy. As they cum, Junmyeon is still telling Sehun he loves him and Sehun is still asking Junmyeon why. *** It’s pouring when they’re done and swaddled in Junmyeon’s sheets. Sehun, even though he is much larger than Junmyeon physically, is curled up against Junmyeon’s chest and holding him tight. Junmyeon has an arm thrown over Sehun’s shoulders loosely. They’re pretty silent. The lights are on and Junmyeon is staring at the ceiling. Sehun stares straight ahead, over to a point of space on an empty wall. He can feel Junmyeon’s ring pressing against his skin. “I’m going to have to leave, right?” Sehun asks. When he’d looked over at Junmyeon’s end table clock, he’d seen that it’d been 4-something A.M. He never gets to stay to watch the sun rise. “Do you want to leave?” Junmyeon asks. “No,” Sehun says. “But you’re going to make me do it anyway.” They’re silent for a few minutes. Then, Junmyeon says, “Jongin wants me to go have breakfast with him and his mother today.” “Okay,” Sehun says. He pulls away from Junmyeon and scoots to the edge of the bed. For a second, he imagines that it’s the side Jongin sleeps on when he does, because Junmyeon must let him, because Junmyeon loves Jongin, but could never love him. Sehun gets off the bed and starts putting his clothes on. Junmyeon sits up on his bed and watches Sehun put clothes on. Sehun is being rather time-efficient, pulling on clothing as quickly as he can. Junmyeon wants to reach out and hold him back, but instead, he just says, “Wait.” Sehun looks at him, gaze empty. Sehun says, “What? What is it now?” “Never mind,” Junmyeon says, shaking his head. “Fine,” Sehun says. “I’ll go now. Stop texting me.” “Wait,” Junmyeon says again. Sehun’s already halfway to the door. “What?” Sehun says, turning around. “I want to give you everything,” Junmyeon says, quietly, admitting it to himself and Sehun. “I do.” Sehun bites his lip, chewing on it like it’s a thought. He looks around the room and folds his arms over his chest. He asks, “Then, why don’t you do that?” “I can’t,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t know why, but I can’t.” Sehun walks towards the edge of Junmyeon’s bed and squints at Junmyeon like he’s a detective, trying to deduce something from the way Junmyeon looks at him. Then, he starts, and he can’t stop. “I gave you everything I had,” Sehun says. “Everything. My body, my time, my virginity, my feeling, and my love. And you told me you would give me anything I wanted and that you would love me, but look where I am now.” Junmyeon looks. “Look at me,” Sehun says. He puts his hands in the air, gesturing to himself like he’s trying to make a point. “I’m pathetic. I’m nothing without you. My life means nothing until you call me and I have a reason to show up and see you.” Junmyeon nods, slowly, as if he understands. “But you don’t care,” Sehun says. “You don’t care at all. You’re busy giving your love and your time and everything I’d ever wanted from you to someone else. You’re meeting his parents and you’re buying him rings and you’re giving these things that I wanted you to give me when I thought you were still mine. All these things that I had asked for, but you never gave them to me, even when sometimes all I was asking for was time.” Sehun rounds the bed, getting closer to Junmyeon. “You promised. Anything I wanted, I would get,” Sehun says. “And I really wasn’t expecting that, but I was expecting you to at least give me anything. You could’ve stayed a whole night after fucking me. You could’ve gone out with me to eat at least once You even could’ve told me how you were really feeling. But, I guess all I was-- all I am is just a fuck. A good fuck that you need to have sometimes. Is that right?” “No,” Junmyeon answers immediately. “No, that’s not right. It’s not right at all.” “Then, what is it?” Sehun asks. He’d been trying so hard to be strong, but now he’s trembling, demeanor beginning to break. “What is it? What is it?” Sehun asks again, after Junmyeon is silent for what seems like too long. Sehun drops to his knees at the side of Junmyeon’s bed. He starts to cry. “I don’t know,” Junmyeon responds, truthfully. He can’t watch Sehun cry, so he doesn’t. He stares at his sheets instead. “Why does it have to be like this?” Sehun asks through his tears. “Why can’t we just be happy and love each other at the same time?” “I don’t know,” Junmyeon responds. He hears a light thud and then he looks over to see that Sehun has pushed his face into his mattress. “I could just smother myself right now,” Sehun says. “Don’t,” Junmyeon says. “I won’t, but I could,” Sehun says. “Okay, don’t,” Junmyeon says. “I won’t,” Sehun says. Then, after a while, Sehun asks again, “Why does it have to be like this?” “I don’t know,” Junmyeon repeats. Then it’s quiet again and the only sounds in the room are the sounds of Sehun’s sniffles and sobs. After a long while, Sehun says, “I want to go home. I’m going to go home.” “Okay,” Junmyeon says. “Don’t text or call me until you think you really, really mean it.” “Okay.” Sehun stands up, wipes his face, and leaves Junmyeon’s room and apartment without looking at Junmyeon. Junmyeon sits in silence in the middle of his bed and looks to the edge of the bed, where Sehun’s face has been. There’s a wet imprint left behind from Sehun’s tears, snot, and saliva. Junmyeon does nothing for a short while. Then, he reaches over and feels the need to pick up his phone, because, this time, he thinks he really means it.

a/n 2: spot the biblical symbolism everywhere