Need faith to make me numb
Here I am. Sitting at the computer. Awake and fucking around doing absolutely nothing before work because apparently sleep is fucking overrated or something. I can't tell if I feel more bitter, sad, or just generally depressed for no reason in particular or just every reason in particular. I wonder sometimes if my thought processes or feelings are half as complicated as I make them out to be, but that sounds like a surprisingly confusing and annoying train of thought. I heart over-analyzation.
Most years around Christmastime, I feel a general sense of apathy or dislike towards all the garish decorations and obnoxious consumerism, especially in regards to my own job and all the fucking shit they drag in around that time. Interestingly enough, I've almost managed to ignore some of those aspects (even the Christmas music that plays non-stop) and just... went along with the flow, but instead of being apathetic, I've found myself incredibly depressed. Now, I guess it isn't that uncommon to find myself depressed around Christmas (it seems to be a more frequently-occurring thing) but I seem to have felt it quite strongly this year. On more than one occasion, I've felt myself wanting to cry (which, of course, I wasn't able to) and considered just avoiding any and all family get-togethers for some reason. I don't know why I thought they'd be any more overwhelming than usual, but the prospect of a lot of them just... didn't seem at all appealing. I still have two more things to go to (Christ, and I'm not even married) and I can't really say I'm looking forward to either of them, although one will probably be more painful than the other. Spending over 24 hours with my father and his "family" sounds like a quick way to make me want to fucking shoot myself. Let the fun begin...
I don't know why the fuck I'm awake. I find myself wanting to go back to bed, but I don't know if it's worth it or if I'll actually be able to get any sleep. I hate this fucking shit. Oh well. I hate a lot of things. Or so I say. I say a lot of things. Don't know what half of it means or if it means anything or if anything is worth getting fucking bent out of shape over. Yup. I don't fucking know nothin' 'bout nothin'. And it's fucking fantastic.
Oh look. It's one of those entries again. Oh wait. I think that's the majority of my entries. Just fuck fuck fuckity fuck all over the fuck fuck fuckity fuck fucker. Clearly I've missed you, LJ. All the opportunities to type the word "fuck" over and over again. You... complete me.
Why the fuck is post button greyed out? Are you completely stupid, LiveJournal? Wait, don't answer that.
Most years around Christmastime, I feel a general sense of apathy or dislike towards all the garish decorations and obnoxious consumerism, especially in regards to my own job and all the fucking shit they drag in around that time. Interestingly enough, I've almost managed to ignore some of those aspects (even the Christmas music that plays non-stop) and just... went along with the flow, but instead of being apathetic, I've found myself incredibly depressed. Now, I guess it isn't that uncommon to find myself depressed around Christmas (it seems to be a more frequently-occurring thing) but I seem to have felt it quite strongly this year. On more than one occasion, I've felt myself wanting to cry (which, of course, I wasn't able to) and considered just avoiding any and all family get-togethers for some reason. I don't know why I thought they'd be any more overwhelming than usual, but the prospect of a lot of them just... didn't seem at all appealing. I still have two more things to go to (Christ, and I'm not even married) and I can't really say I'm looking forward to either of them, although one will probably be more painful than the other. Spending over 24 hours with my father and his "family" sounds like a quick way to make me want to fucking shoot myself. Let the fun begin...
I don't know why the fuck I'm awake. I find myself wanting to go back to bed, but I don't know if it's worth it or if I'll actually be able to get any sleep. I hate this fucking shit. Oh well. I hate a lot of things. Or so I say. I say a lot of things. Don't know what half of it means or if it means anything or if anything is worth getting fucking bent out of shape over. Yup. I don't fucking know nothin' 'bout nothin'. And it's fucking fantastic.
Oh look. It's one of those entries again. Oh wait. I think that's the majority of my entries. Just fuck fuck fuckity fuck all over the fuck fuck fuckity fuck fucker. Clearly I've missed you, LJ. All the opportunities to type the word "fuck" over and over again. You... complete me.
Why the fuck is post button greyed out? Are you completely stupid, LiveJournal? Wait, don't answer that.