Uglylilduckling

plagosus — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 04:16:50 GMT

Alcohol will get me through the day.

plagosus — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 08:08:18 GMT

mmmmmmmm jack daniels. its not that smooth "oops i got drunk" of gin 'n tonic - but damn its nice.

ps - down to 25 cents! Sweweeeeeeeet!~ fuckin sweet.

plagosus — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:31:46 GMT

If they think you're too old, why would they even go on a date with you in the first place? They don't; they refuse on the basis that I'm too old. My god, do Americans have issues! Americans all start dying after turning 30, and go through a slow painful process that eventually leads to bitter anger by the time age 40 or 50 comes around. It's unacceptable.

I can make art that calls attention to it, but that doesn't change things. It's much like that massive tidal wave that struck after the earthquake in Indonesia in 2004; how the water just came rushing in, unstoppable, sweeping everything under before it, engulfing entire buildings, tearing up trees out of the earth; that's what the march toward this worship of youth has been like, here in American over the last 30 years. Starting in the 80's – as Baby Boomers got older, they became more and more obsessed with staying young, because they grew up deluding themselves that anyone over 30 was to be feared. Baby Boomers were the ones to coin the phrase “Never trust anyone over 30”. They feared their parents, and were dubious of anything said by anyone over 30. (I've often found that cowards are fond of one line phrases - why is that? Perhaps it has something to do with the necessity of quickly categorizing everything, in order to justify poor behavior.)

Naturally, as the Baby Boom Generation god older, they feared to be associated with all of that negativity that had by then, become a part of American culture. As the Boomers became disenchanted and jaded over time, they themselves became the establishment they had only so recently abused. Perhaps subconsciously or if you're cynical, by design, as Boomers got older, they used this newfound control of media outlets – music, movies, television, radio, magazines, newspapers, advertising, shows and art – everything and anything that could reach the masses to hammer home the notion that to be young is to be good.

American culture became all about how wonderful it is to be young, and how beautiful young people are. At the same time, older people were portrayed as wicked, stupid, senile, useless, weak, devious and somehow evil or unwholesome. Certainly, it is considered grotesque by American standards for someone over 40 to be sexy, and heaven forbid! - let us ostracize any couple with a 20 year age difference, as abnormal and disgusting behavior.

But, being young is a state of mind, yes? Being young depends mostly on the way you live your life. This may be true, but this fact does not change world views that have become bigoted and prejudiced. I look ten years younger than I really am (most people guess I'm 30). I don't act my age, whatever that means. I enjoy going out with friends to parties, clubs and bars or shows. However, again, that does not change world views

Guys are afraid to go out with me, because of their ego. They are afraid of what their friends will think and their family. Their ego says “I should be with someone young”, so I get passed over; even when they like me. If a guy finds me attractive, they just want to sleep with me. But, how fulfilling is the occasional 1 night stand? It makes me feel cheap and used – that's how fulfilling a 1 night stand is.

Art... I feel like my art would be lost, like one of those trees, swept up in the tsunami's tidal wave; mowed down; unable to stand up against the might of uncounted millions of people, who have been brainwashed over the course of three decades, by Baby Boomers who are simply afraid of death.

I'm a good guy, and have a good heart. I'm sure there are people willing to date me, but it's not easy to find that someone. It is true, I do occasionally find a boyfriend. Unfortunately, just because they are willing to date me for awhile, doesn't mean that they are also willing to stay. I can't blame them. Social pressures are enormous to date younger men. My last boyfriend and I broke up because of all these social pressures. He was ashamed to have fallen for someone as old as I am, didn't tell any friends or family we were seeing each other. I tried getting back together; being understanding and compassionate; I tried to discover the means to compromise what we both needed to make it work for the both of us. Still, he said he wasn't ready to date anyone and didn't want to get involved again; so I said I would wait and see. Come to find out, he was dating some other guy and lying to me about it all that time. For a whole year.

A year... how does that happen. Looking back, I should be humiliated, and yet it really is simple. When your whole life is a misery, and the best one can hope for is a lack of pain, you never know love, never know happiness So, when you finally do meet someone, and you somehow feel complete and whole and happy for the first time in your life; is it really any surprise that I would try not to loose that?

And now, after all of this, is it any wonder I've been unable to become close to anyone since?

What then does the future hold I ask? More of the same? Each year becomes worse than the last. And please, spare me the “you must love yourself first” argument. That's called narcissism Here, allow me to explain: love yourself means self love, yes? Well, I did that. I did it quite well. I loved myself, loved what I did, loved my work, did great things. Love yourself... it leads to the false idea that all of these things are your just due; leads to a sense of entitlement. Also, it leads to materialism and acquisition and greed. Most importantly, it leads to a love of you for what you were when you fell in love. A young man. All of this does not take into consideration this: everything changes, everything ends, and materialism always leads to loss and pain.

But, I can understand saying “love yourself”. Sure, that plays into Western Culture's obsession with self indulgence. Here – know this truth - “people like people who are like themselves”. Love yourself, just like everyone else loves themselves. This makes it easy for all the rest of the narcissistic, materialistic, greedy, gluttons out there, with their sense of entitlement to relate to you. That is why people say “you should love yourself first”.

I say, “respect yourself”. Seek out happiness, but realize that happiness is not, in the end, found through self love or materialism or obsession with youth. It is found IN love, by giving love and receiving it. It is found through compassion and understanding, not through self indulgence in transient objects or transient relationships

Ironic I should say all of that, when I am myself an ephebophile. But, that is another story, best left with my therapist.... and perhaps a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Just three short weeks till my birthday. *sigh*

The Art of Plagosus

plagosus — Fri, 15 May 2009 06:23:56 GMT

Yeah, this is why I pay big bucks to go to school.

Hi Tony!

Tomorrow is the last day of school before summer break begins. I'm thinking about summer classes. Not certain that I'll do it though. I'm almost leaning toward spending days doing drawings in my sketchbook and developing ideas.

Speaking of. I'm thinking of putting together a production with music, dance and visual elements that I'll design and direct. Perhaps I'll put together some story boards and post them to my deviantart account. Basically, what I'm looking for are mood pieces, set in narrative format, with each section of the performance telling a short story that may or may not connect one to another.

Tomorrow is the schools big bash - free BBQ and dollar drinks. I like the cheap drinks part. Maybe I'll even ask some boy from school out to keep me company during the summer... meh, boys suck. Maybe I'll learn how to knit.

plagosus — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:56:39 GMT

I have a new President. Thank god he doesn't suck.

Well, here we are, 90 years after the last Great Depression, and almost 90 since the Inauguration of Franklin D Roosevelt. If there is a glimmer of hope that we may salvage something of our dignity, our standard of living, and the tattered ruins of our reputation in the greater Global Community - it is that, at the very least, we did not have to go through another term with GW in office. FDR took office four years after the Great Depression begain, President Obama, luckily, takes office sooner, rather than later, and maybe the pillaging of the American middle class will grind to a halt, which is inevitable anyway - as there is very little left to pillage by the New Aristocracy.

So, there is still some hope of redress that the strength and prosperity of our Nation, the principals of which were forged during the last Great Depression, will be seen again. And, perhaps this time, with the moral and ethical knowledge that unfettered consumption of resources will lead to the inevitable collapse, once those resources are consumed, and environment brought to ruin.

Yet, I do not see through rose colored glasses. I know that these changes in our course as a Nation will not result in an immediate improvement. However, I do believe that with my new President, we stand a greater chance of success than failure, and that finally the People of the United States of America, can see the true cost of prosperity, is through their own labor, rather than on the backs of others.

In the meantime, I still want to move to travel the world :)

plagosus — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 10:50:28 GMT

Went to The Fez and had absinthe. Thank god we are breaking down these idiotic prohibitions. Next on the list needs to be marijuana.

So, absinthe. I've heard over and over, how absinthe tastes like licorice. Hmm, rather simple - and yes, it does have a slight licorice flavor to it. However, I would describe it in a few ways. First is the slight taste of timbre, which is I suppose the wormwood for which absinthe is so famous, and is ever-present, but really only a background flavor. Then there is the most pronounced taste, which comes just as the liquor hits your tongue, and is a bit more difficult to describe - it is most like the aftertaste of very peaty single malt scotch whiskey, like Glen Ord, and quickly dissipates. The finish is where that licorice flavor comes in, yet is much more of an anise seed flavor than mere licorice. It is NOT sweet, unless one adds the traditional sugar cube.

Just wanted to record the experience somewhere, and hate the other online journals far too much.

Ever notice how myspace erases your journal entries after awhile? Yeah, it sucks.

plagosus — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:32:54 GMT

Thanksgiving was its usual mess. Arrived at my older brothers house a few hours early, so we could spend a little time together. The Sister-in-law was a sweetheart as usual. I left as soon as the other brother arrived; the one who likes to make gay jokes. So, I didn't stay for dinner. I consider that good. The only thing that's hard about the holidays is spending them alone. Yesterday was pretty bad. Really bad actually. Well, I guess that happens when there's nothing to do. The school was closed, there's no internet, the book Im reading is only so-so.

Anyway, I'm at the school now, so I can get on the internet, check email, catch up on livejournals, post this, etc.

Later all.

plagosus — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:07:08 GMT

It has taken a while to settle in, these election results, and I noticed something really interesting...

During my lifetime, every major social event has been scripted. Think about it; starting with the lunar landing in my birth year, major motion pictures like The Godfather, Star Wars, and social movements, such as technology - computers, software (Microsoft and Apple), the advent of new communications formats like cell phones, the internet; all scripted by government, media, corporations. Everything we wear, watch, see, participate in - hell, every aspect of modern culture, is scripted and controlled by unseen people, and each has an agenda.

That carefully scripted culture of sheep has led my generation to become the ultimate in cynical. We believe nothing, have no hope for control or change in our daily lives, and believe that, no matter what we do, it ultimately doesn't matter, because everything in our lives, for our entire lives, has been controlled by someone else; usually corporations.

Last week, on election day, something unexpected happened. People got out, told their neighbors, friends, relatives = everyone they knew - "VOTE" go out and vote! Not who to vote for, what to vote; just to go out and vote. And we did. In droves. The masses have spoken, and we said "I'm sick and tired of this, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!". (Movie quote for ya, just for the irony.)

So, we had, for the first time in my memory, a spontaneous social event. A true grass roots movement. All the bad things I've been talking about, and for years uncounted, bitched at people in some, what I thought to be futile effort, trying to bring some recognition and sanity into the minds of those I meet. Somehow, I feel that maybe the human race isn't quite as much of a lost cause as I had thought. And, for a dyed in the wool misanthrope, that's saying something.

We The People have spoken, and WE are in charge again, and you corporate slime, you government cronies, you war profiteers, you oil moguls and robber barons had better watch out - the pitchforks and torches aren't far behind.

plagosus — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 05:23:50 GMT

As an added bonus to life, someone slashed the roof of my car. Didn't steal anything, just slashed the roof. Makes life worth living doesn't it?

plagosus — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 20:31:24 GMT

Did a pretty nifty sculpture in Visual Theory 3-D Design class. My proff won't let me color it though - she says "not until after you've gone through color theory". So, its just white plaster. But it has a cool shape, and its the first abstract I think I've done since high school.

Not allot of time for goofing off these days. I took up a second job as a tutor at school - drawing, 3-D Design and 2-D Design... oh yeah, and Art & Design in Contemporary Society aka ADCS; thank god they don't have me doing math or english huh?

I would bitch about politics in this space, but, finally, everyone seems to be waking up from the drug induced haze of denial, so that would be pointless. Instead, I'll just say this - America made it through our last depression, by saving money when we could, working as much and as hard as we could, when we could, and by regulating the FUCK out of corporations, in the greatest populist movement in America history. We can do it again.

In the meantime, I'm moving to Canada, you guys are on your own hahahaha!

Okay, I'm not really moving to Canada... I'm actually thinking Australia would be nicer :)

Or Brazil. Brazil and Peru seem to be getting along nicely. South America does seem to grasp the fact that humanity does not exist to serve the interests of a privileged few, though I may be mistaken. Still, we, all of us, must remember that true liberty is not merely the freedom to go where one wishes, when one wishes, or say what one wills: it is also the right to benefit from ones labor and time. Certainly, it is not to work for slave wages, again, enriching a privileged few. Hmm, and here I said I wasn't going to rant.

What is it, about human society that seems to inevitably lead to despotism, fascism, oligarchy and tyranny? What is it, about the character or about human nature that so easily lends itself to the apathy that then leads to such a state? I think I should find the means to ask these questions visually.

Is good art, propaganda that reflects lofty ideals? Or, is good art, a question that leads the viewer down a path of inner reflection? Or, is art merely that which evokes a response? Can a single piece hold all of these ideals, at the same time?

plagosus — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:17:44 GMT

Someone had the good sense to make a film, based on H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos. I am most pleased.

plagosus — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:10:28 GMT

After suggesting a huge scratch and sniff sculpture, in my 3-d design class, it was recommended that I take it to burning man. lol

No boyfriend. Just thought that bore mentioning.

Still working for the ass. Also thought that bore mentioning.

Class today! Should be fun. Can't remember which class though. Damn, but I'm only one of three guys in my class. Too bad I don't swing the other way.

plagosus — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:57:30 GMT

This past year has really sucked. Actually, this past five years have particularly sucked... Coming out about being gay, trying to find a boyfriend. The gay community - everything that is bad about guys, just seems to be magnified. Maybe its just an American thing, but all these guys, all they want is sex with a "hot guy". None are looking for anything more than that.

I tried making it work with different guys - Mathew, Andrew, Kale, Paul and now Miguel. Loved some of them, but thats turning into hate. I hate men. I hate me. I hate being gay. And I hate being alone.

Looking forward into the future, its hard to see anything more than the same. Don't know what to do about it, and starting not to care. Why oh why was I born. I didn't ask for it and certainly don't want to be here.

plagosus — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 04:01:42 GMT

made a couple sculptures. One nice, one... I'm not really sure what and one really really horrible one, which (sadly) turned out exactly as planned. haha!

I need to find my digital camera. The one I packed away, where I could find it, after moving.... and can't seem to find. Yeah, that one.

Recent changes in plan might include going back to community college, and asking PNCA (the good school) for a year deferral on the grants/scholarships. This will give me more than enough time to fix the mess. Y'know, I could have fixed the lost grant problem, if I had more than 2 weeks time in which to fix it.

No new boys.

plagosus — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 06:37:56 GMT

I just love America. Land of opportunity, for the greedy to get wealthy that is.

Maybe I should flush all sense of moral and ethical values down the toilet.

Notice how the average American hasn't got a clue about geography, math, literature and certainly couldn't give a shit about current events; most are even completely unaware as to why we are in an economic depression, or what is significant about Georgia invading Osettia and the Russian response.

Maybe, its related to the fact that I can't find a boyfriend.

Don't think so? Try this - every guy I've dated, is either fixated on my age, my looks or both. Many - hell most - guy won't even talk to me, because I'm not good looking enough. I think I'll do an experiment; make a fake personal ad, and post a pretty boy picture. What do you think will happen hmm? My lovely lil mind, behind a pretty picture.

Interestingly, the above also has something to do, with the ever increasing difficulty I am having with going to school; which may actually have just become impossible.

With changes to federal rules, regarding how much a single male may earn, for financial aid, my finding just got cut $4,600 for next year. So, I lost a grant? Unfortunately, this amount means $511 more per month, to pay for school = an additional 15.6 hours of work per week. I'm getting evicted (my apartments are going condo) so, my cost for rent is going up: additional 525 per month. Nice huh? so, all told, I'll have to work = 31.2 hours of work per week, just to cover rent and tuition. No food. No anything else. Classes are 15 hours per week, plus an additional 20 plus hours study and studio time is 35 hours per week. That's 66.2 hours per week and trust me, that's being VERY conservative. Add in cost of living, utilities and other expenses, such as art supplies and I'm starting to see an additional 20 or so hours of work, per week. Now, we're talking 86.2 or more hours of work, and school per week. 12.3 hours per day, seven days per week, not including travel time (by the way, my car is being repo'd - you try making ends meet when gas cost me $250 last month, plus EVERYTHING has just about doubled in price since January)... fuck me. I'm fucked.

plagosus — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:02:54 GMT

Everyone seems to be having a very crappy time of late. So, I'll just post a text message I recently recieved.

"In 2009, the US Government is going to start deporting retards. I cried when I thought of you. So, put on your helmet and RUN LITTLE BUDDY RUN!"

plagosus — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:37:00 GMT

It is not easy to love someone that does not love you back. It is harder still, to know that you may never find someone to love, who will return that love.

People keep saying things like "just let it happen" or "you'll meet someone" or "I think that you shouldn't try to find someone, because they'll find you". Try waiting for the entirety of your adult life, at 39, and have ANY optimism that this is true.

So, what do you do? What do you do, when your life is half done, has been miserable from the first, and doesn't look like things will get better? Hope for the best?

I am learning Spanish. Anyone want to help? I'm pretending that, since I like Latino boys, this will help. Also, it's nice to be able to speak a second language.

plagosus — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 04:27:33 GMT

Ugh, I have to move again.

This apartment complex got bought by a company from California. They decided to remodel, and to do that, they want everyone out.

Anyone need a roommate?

plagosus — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:02:44 GMT

Just a quick note:

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Now, enjoy that in your head the rest of the day.

plagosus — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:43:12 GMT

Posted some pointless adverts on craigslist and myspace. I'll pretend it matters for a couple days, before contemplating suicide inevitably.

Saw Andrew's add, shock value was nice. Too bad he has decided not to get involved, or that I'm ugly, or whatever. Could have been nice.

There seems to be allot of "could have beens" in my life. Hm, or maybe not. Maybe a better way of putting it is to say, never was - I was deluding myself.

Did some sculptures in school. Hate them - but love the sarcasm involved in the piece. Actually, they turned out exactly as I wanted them to, I just didn't like the assignment so much. Maybe I'll post pics on deviantart.com.

Tomorrow, as the saying goes, is another day. I'm not looking forward to it.

plagosus — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:29:45 GMT

Last night, god I don't have the words.

Every time I get turned down by yet another guy, a little part of me dies, and that makes it just a little harder the next time.

I guess that I'm just not good enough, good looking enough, or whatever it is that guys are looking for. I'll try to give another year, try making it through another year.

plagosus — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:27:59 GMT

I hate my life. I really really really really REALLY do. And, I don't know how to fix this.

plagosus — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:07:37 GMT

One last, fantastic, argument with Andrew. I'm pretty sure he is sick of me. Something to do with insisting on not being treated like shit.

In other news - I am so broke that I didn't pay my car payment (yes, that was the final decision). Should start on rebuilding the Lotus this month. Money comes in tomorrow, to do so.

My boss's birthday is the 10th. I am debating on whether or not to give him a birthday card. Either that, or leaving a lump of coal on his desk. In other words, difficult decisions abound.

No other news to report. Well, except with the new romance, which isn't actually a romance, it's more of a tepid relationship, verging into a possible friendship, which may work out from there.

Its lonely being me.

plagosus — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:51:00 GMT

A year older (bleh) and a year wiser (hahahaaaaa oh man, thats ripe) and ahm yeah.

I need new icons. I need to capture the new moment.

The new moment may be refined down to "OMFG!!! I can't even afford the Effing bus!" soon.

Anyone else notice the growing number of "professionals" that chose public transit these days? Rather than drive. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one feeling poor.

Maybe, thats the new paradigm? Depression era art makes a comeback. That would be ahm... what.

Picasso, Dali, Parrish. I would suggest perhaps that the Socially Conscious artists of the era were somehow important to later viewers, but they're not. It's almost as though the many artists working during the Great Depression, who were focused on works depicting the common worker, have disappeared from the face of the planet.

Still, what is it, what will it take, to pull America up out of the muck? Other than impeaching our moronic President that is - what will it take?

Redirecting attention from things that don't matter: America does not need yet another "consultant" or another berger flipper or more pointless non-production based jobs; we need a shift into manufacturing and servicing alternative energy resources and the infrastructure for distribution. Since we no longer have the resources or manufacturing here, America must become an exporter of knowhow, an exporter of ideas.

How to frame that in visual arts. hmmm... that's the ticket.

plagosus — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:27:16 GMT

Made a mistake on my checking account, and forgot to deduct my insurance payment. Wow, BAD fee's for two bounced debit charges. Real bad.

So, with the rising gas prices and rising food prices and rising everything prices (by the way, the real inflation rate is closer to 15 or 20% - not the bullshit our lying cheating government tells us).. yeah my operating costs for last month, plus the move to this new apartment, ran well over $1,000. Just gas cost a little over $160. Ouch and double ouch.

I don't expect the bank will let me keep this car much longer. Should I call them, and explain what is going on?

On a side note: I have $1500 in school money, which should arrive next week. Here is the dilema - with that money, I will have enough to repair the Lotus (other car) BUT thats also enough to pay my current car payment, BUT if I make that car payment, I won't have enough to fix the Lotus AND next month (with our current hyper inflation) I will be in the same situation: not enough money to pay the car payment.

So what do I do? Get out from under the car payments I can't afford, by keeping the car for two months (without paying) then selling it; while fixing the Lotus. OR make the car payments, and be in a crap situation again in two months.

Damn, but if I don't make those payments and have the car repossessed, my credit score is going to be in the toilet.

Grrr.

On another note:

Met a new guy, Miguel. He is a sweetheart. I think he may be a lover type of person, in a romantic sense. Anyway, wish me luck. With my track record, I'll need it.