LJ Idol Season 8; Week 16: Reinventing The Wheel

I had a revelation on Thursday. There was a click in my brain like when I finally understood the logistics behind the weighted average cost of capital in finance. Or when I finally figured out the logic behind differential equations and what they were used for. Except unlike math or finance, this applied to me in the real world and was a harder concept to grasp than any of those things.

I realized why I have no friends.

I can thank my therapist for explaining this all to me. The short version is that I suck at communication. I don’t know how to talk to people, so I don’t.

To illustrate her point, on a piece of paper, she drew one large circle and wrote "All About Me” in the middle with items like "Favorite Movies” and "Life Experiences” written inside of it. She drew other smaller circles on the page and labeled them "Acquaintance”, "Friend”, "Best Friend” and "Significant Other”.

She explained that in the "All About Me” circle, I needed to write down all the things that make me who I am, and from there, draw a line linking them to one of the four groups based on what I would feel comfortable telling people in each grouping.

For instance, she said I would likely tell people in the Acquaintance group far more superficial things about myself such as my favorite television shows, my favorite books, my favorite movies, etc. While someone in a Best Friend or Significant Other role would get to hear deeper thoughts like my fears, life experiences and beliefs.

This would help me form questions I wouldn’t mind hearing from each group, and from there, I could use those questions to spur conversation.

To most people, it’s not some form of complex matrix algebra or advanced physics... But to me, it is. People like me well enough, but I'm rarely able to form close bonds with someone. I don’t have a Best Friend and haven’t ever really had one since the 3rd grade. It’s something that’s weighed on my self-esteem for most of my life because I do want friends just like everyone else does.

It hurts my feeling when I hear the girls in my office making plans to get together for happy hour and not include me. I hear them talking about their plans, but they hush up as I walk by, waiting until I pass before continuing their conversations. I still know it’s going on and secretly wish they'd invite me along. But I also know I’d be very uncomfortable if I did go. A part of me wants that social life, wants to have friends. But when I’m in a group of people, I often hide away in the bathroom or pretend to be doing important work on my iPhone (while actually refreshing my e-mail over and over again). Anything, so I don't have to interact with everybody because I just don’t know how to do it.

I knew something was wrong with me, but until my last session, I couldn't put a name it. The biggest problem I have in trying to overcome all of this is the fact that I tend to think about things differently than other people. For instance, when it comes to pop culture, I have nothing to add, and there aren’t many other superficial topics I can discuss because I don’t spend time thinking about them. Unlike some of the women in my office, I’m not the mani/pedi, spa-day type and can’t endlessly discuss the latest kelp wrapping facial technique I’d just received. I can't squeal over the latest Hollywood "It” guy because I have no interest in following celebrities. I don't know a Louis Vuitton from a Christian Louboutin. I'm not even sure if I spelled those right, much less know what their products look like.

And that’s the root of the problem, as suggested by my therapist... I can’t really connect with people on the topics people typically bond over. Things such as...

Television. I haven’t had TV in a decade for the most part. I've started watching Survivor online recently, but I am always a few days late and everyone has already discussed it by the time I get caught up. But even if I had TV, I know what I like to watch. I’m not into American Idol or The Bachelor . I’m into science and medical documentaries and would love to discuss them with people. But I realize that most people find that a bit... odd, to say the least. My therapist suggested that I read up on shows like American Idol just so I can enter into a conversation about it. But that simply isn’t me. If I don't care about something, I’m not the type that can fake interest or enthusiasm for the sake of conversation.

Movies. I do watch movies now and then. This one should be easy, right? Well, it’s a breeze when talking shoot ‘em up, blood and guts movies with the guys, but when the girls at work are talking about movies? Not so much. I hate chick flicks and will not be seeing The Vow , nor will I ever watch anything written by Nicholas Sparks (Okay, I admit, I was forced to watch The Notebook - at my ex-husband’s insistence - and I still want that hour and a half of my life back). My ex used to badger me about seeing romantic comedies because that’s "what girls should like.” Even though he was a guy and liked romantic comedies, he seemed to think I was wrong for liking traditional guy flicks. He hated the movies I liked because "they were scary”. Not all girls are the same, but sometimes I feel like an outcast in my own gender. I like horror, action, thriller and dark comedy. Oh, and the occasional cute movie about animals. That’s just because I like anything about animals. But if it has people in it, there had better be explosions, violence, guts and gore or something paranormal killing everybody off in a gruesome fashion. I don’t like the popular comedies that are out today because I’m not into watching grown men act like children or immature dickheads for the sake of entertainment. That type of humor is lost on me. If I’m going to watch a comedy, I like it to be dark, cynical and sarcastic. It's usually the type of comedy that offends certain religious groups, so not a safe conversation with a person you just met.

For the short time that I had Netflix, based on what I'd put in my queue, the categories they ever so helpfully collected for me were labeled me “Dark Documentaries”, “Serial Killer Horror” and “Extremely Violent Horror”. Yes, that worried me a bit too, but I promise I’m not dangerous. I just enjoy the dark side a bit more than the light.

Music. I absolutely love listening to music, and have since a very young age. Unfortunately, my choice in music tends to scare people. If they ask me about my views on Katy Perry, I’m likely to mention how all her songs are about the same thing, which is getting drunk and sleeping around. Oh, except for the one song where she sings about kissing girls to turn her boyfriend on. I'm liable to tell them that her voice sounds like cats in heat, but that might be going too far. I like hard rock and heavy metal music, not a very popular genre for the girls in my office.

Books. Now, I love to read. This one should be easy. My office mates often like to discuss books, so I find them approaching me all the time and asking me why I haven’t read Twilight yet....

And then the conversation about books stops.

I realize that I’m a freak of nature who colors a little outside of the lines and just don’t enjoy what 99% of society seems to enjoy. I don't think that makes me superior or anything, I merely like what I like. And I tend to like strange things that a lot of people find strange or perhaps even morbid.

The things I can manage to hold a conversation about? My pets. Ask about Annabelle and you will likely get an ear full of stories like how she was scared of a pumpkin the other day, or how she fell asleep with her head hanging off the couch. Ask me about my views on politics or the prison system and I can give you a lengthy dissertation on the subject. Ask me about The Real Housewives of Orange County or the latest trend in fashionable glittery assless chaps though and about all I can give you in return is a blank stare and a vacant smile. Strangely enough, that tends to be a conversation killer as well.

So while it may seem obvious to others, I’ve only recently realized the secret to making friends. I need to learn how to find common ground to keep a conversation going until we reach a deeper level that I’m more comfortable with, a place where I feel more free to be me. Too bad I've sucked at getting to that level of friendship.

Give me a logic problem or a political issue to debate, then I'll be fine. But understanding how to move someone from an Acquaintance to a Best Friend? That's much more complicated, but it's something I hope to figure out one day.

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