Written from my phone
I'm not going to lie, I'm in a pretty bad funk these days. The usual stuff of course...
My job. I hate what I do and I feel like I'm stuck at this type of job just to make ends meet. I don't go a day without saying "I hate my life" while at work. I often come home in tears. It's slowly taking the life out of me. My only hope is a slightly better job that I may or may not get.
But I want out of this field entirely and I don't know how. I cancelled the interview for a job that would make me happy. It was $2,000 less a year than what I make now, which doesn't seem like a lot... But it is when you already live as frugal as I do now and still go without things like new work clothes and a bed. The one job I actually could have found happiness in... I cancelled in order to be practical. Practicality is at it again in my life. I hate being an adult.
Life: I have none. I don't get to do anything for "me". I have no time. I come home from work, walk Annabelle so she doesn't eat my house and go to bed. That's usually all I have time for on top of cleaning (usually up after my roommate too), shopping or anything else I have to do. I'd like to take a class once or twice a week, or join a gym. That would increase my happiness quotient. But I have Annabelle.... And she's already crated most of the day. I can't afford doggy daycamp often, so that's out. So I feel like I do nothing all week but work.
Social life. I'm lonely as heck during the week. Besides my boyfriend who I only see Saturday and Sunday, I have no friendly interactions during the week. I have one friend who I'm grateful for and love getting together with when we can, but I wish i had more stuff going on for me in this department. I'm usually so depressed on Friday nights, I spend it alone. I wish I had more friends and could go out to happy hours with and stuff. But I'm socially awkward and most people don't tend to think I'm a social person.
I know, try meetup groups, but the thing is... I hide away when I'm with groups of strangers. I just sit in the corner and watch. It's not that I'm shy.... I'm just awkward. I've been outgoing before, but people tend to not like that either. I look like a fool. So instead I stay quiet. In grad school, I never fit in with the rest of my program. At work, I hear the other admins whispering happy hour plans only to stop talking as I walk by. And it sucks. I want to make friends and be normal, but dangit, it's hard for me. I just wish I could be normal sometimes. I've never really even had a best friend, not since like middle school. I envy girls who have female friends, I wish I knew how to do all that.
But then read up above for other issues with the social life concept. And then there's finances. There's always finances. Just once in my life I'd like to know what it feels like to not be totally broke. I hope that day comes. It sucks being broke and miserable with your job. I might stand it a little better if I could have money to not stress about how I'm going to make ends meet. When I was with James, we had money. I left him knowing I was giving up financial security. I work hard, I'm very frugal... I thought I'd find my way to financial success on my own. But with medical bills, vet bills, etc... It seems like I'll never get ahead.
Then there's the physical stuff. I'm struggling with certain things again. I hate to use the word "triggered", but just stuff in life has triggered some bad thoughts and low self esteem toward my body and looks. That's a constant battle and I'm one screwed up girl, but I won't go into the details as it makes me uncomfortable to really talk about anywhere.
Sorry for the whining post. I have just been battling a lot of things lately. I followed up on the somewhat better job today, but I haven't heard back. I'm begging and pleading that this is my way out of some of the job and financial mess. Keep sending those good vibes my way, please?
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.