Hot Water (and other things which are on my mind these days).
I twist the nob ever slightly to the right. Ice cold water flows out. I tap the faucet just a bit to the left carefully, trying to not push it too far. I see steam rising up from the scalding hot water.
It's a balancing act. One wrong tap while I'm in the shower and I'm going to get burned. It's frustrating. I want to scream or rant or yell.
I finally get the water temperature just right, I put the shampoo in my hair. Without warning, the water stops coming out of the shower. It just stops. I can only wait. It sometimes does that, I'm told. Something about a part of the well shutting off. All I can do is wait for it to come back on, and when it finally starts flowing, the water is freezing cold again.
Back to square one. I twist and turn, reminding myself that sometimes it takes awhile to adjust so I try to give it time before twisting again. I am so impatient though, and have a battle that goes on for 10 minutes before I settle on water a little colder than I’d like. I get fed up and decide to end the battle. I rinse off, and step out of the shower thinking how badly I want to go home.
Then I feel bad because this is my family. The people I love and went broke trying to visit, The same people I rarely get to see these days, even as we were very close before I made the choice the move 2,000 miles away.
But my selfish side craves the comforts of home. And then I remind myself yet again... They live like this every day. I'm only here a week.
This isn’t a new experience, it’s just one I’m no longer used to dealing with.
Our pipes would freeze in the winter, leaving us without running water for days at a time. The only heat we had was a few small electric heaters we would move from room to room. The bathroom was always cold, as was the kitchen. It was always a struggle to stay warm.
It made me despise the cold. I told myself that life shouldn’t be this way, I would find a way to be warm. I set my sights on California at a young age. I would never have to deal with being cold there, I though.
I chose to leave. I knew there was more to life than a rural town that’s only claim to fame is the World’s Largest Rocking Chair. On top of wanting a better climate, I wanted a better life. I have always had a desire to see the world, to live in different places and experience everything I could.
I did just that and I love the life I’ve created for myself. I’m happy out here in California. I have a nice apartment, a wonderful boyfriend, and a routine that I’m comfortable with. I’m not always happy with work or the fact that I am alone more often than not (I am not used to being so alone, I always had my family around me when I needed them, but then I left that behind).
I wish I could explain exactly why my family is in such a horrible situation, but I can’t. I grew up in a family with a range of mental issues that make them think differently than my friends’ families. My mom was never like the other mom’s, but I liked that about her. She saw things differently. Sure, sometimes it was frustrating, but she always put her children first. She gave us the clothes off her back, the last bite of food off her plate. She just can’t function in society like others can. Neither can my sister, who seems to have it far worse than my mom even.
I am lucky.
I understand them, but I sometimes think I’m the only one. I don’t bother explaining it anymore, people just need to realize that they are “different” and that they need more help in life sometimes. I’m afraid that I am their only help.
It’s a balancing act just like my sister’s stupid faucet. I know I want to help them out since they can’t help themselves. I’m the adult in this family, the guardian to make sure they’re okay. I’ve managed to step outside of our little bubble, and can function in society, thus I feel like I need to provide for them. However, I also need to live my own life and choose a path that’s best for me. If I lean too far in one direction or another, I am likely to get burned.
Right now, I’m being pulled in too many directions and feel as if I’ve made my choice. I’m here in California, no intention of leaving because I’m happy dangit. I keep telling myself I deserve this, I deserve to be my own person and live my own life. At the same time, I can’t help but feel guilty for doing so, for leaving them behind.
I have to wonder if I’ll ever find a balance between the two things I want most out of life.
(Please note that this was written as a Free Topic for
therealljidol but it also was more of a mind dump for me. I generally don't like sharing things like this publicly... it makes me uncomfortable. I am exhausted and most of this was written on my phone, so please excuse any autocorrect issues this time around since it's pretty much a free writing exercise for one very exhausted girl. But otherwise? Christmas was good :)
It's a balancing act. One wrong tap while I'm in the shower and I'm going to get burned. It's frustrating. I want to scream or rant or yell.
I finally get the water temperature just right, I put the shampoo in my hair. Without warning, the water stops coming out of the shower. It just stops. I can only wait. It sometimes does that, I'm told. Something about a part of the well shutting off. All I can do is wait for it to come back on, and when it finally starts flowing, the water is freezing cold again.
Back to square one. I twist and turn, reminding myself that sometimes it takes awhile to adjust so I try to give it time before twisting again. I am so impatient though, and have a battle that goes on for 10 minutes before I settle on water a little colder than I’d like. I get fed up and decide to end the battle. I rinse off, and step out of the shower thinking how badly I want to go home.
Then I feel bad because this is my family. The people I love and went broke trying to visit, The same people I rarely get to see these days, even as we were very close before I made the choice the move 2,000 miles away.
But my selfish side craves the comforts of home. And then I remind myself yet again... They live like this every day. I'm only here a week.
This isn’t a new experience, it’s just one I’m no longer used to dealing with.
Our pipes would freeze in the winter, leaving us without running water for days at a time. The only heat we had was a few small electric heaters we would move from room to room. The bathroom was always cold, as was the kitchen. It was always a struggle to stay warm.
It made me despise the cold. I told myself that life shouldn’t be this way, I would find a way to be warm. I set my sights on California at a young age. I would never have to deal with being cold there, I though.
I chose to leave. I knew there was more to life than a rural town that’s only claim to fame is the World’s Largest Rocking Chair. On top of wanting a better climate, I wanted a better life. I have always had a desire to see the world, to live in different places and experience everything I could.
I did just that and I love the life I’ve created for myself. I’m happy out here in California. I have a nice apartment, a wonderful boyfriend, and a routine that I’m comfortable with. I’m not always happy with work or the fact that I am alone more often than not (I am not used to being so alone, I always had my family around me when I needed them, but then I left that behind).
I wish I could explain exactly why my family is in such a horrible situation, but I can’t. I grew up in a family with a range of mental issues that make them think differently than my friends’ families. My mom was never like the other mom’s, but I liked that about her. She saw things differently. Sure, sometimes it was frustrating, but she always put her children first. She gave us the clothes off her back, the last bite of food off her plate. She just can’t function in society like others can. Neither can my sister, who seems to have it far worse than my mom even.
I am lucky.
I understand them, but I sometimes think I’m the only one. I don’t bother explaining it anymore, people just need to realize that they are “different” and that they need more help in life sometimes. I’m afraid that I am their only help.
It’s a balancing act just like my sister’s stupid faucet. I know I want to help them out since they can’t help themselves. I’m the adult in this family, the guardian to make sure they’re okay. I’ve managed to step outside of our little bubble, and can function in society, thus I feel like I need to provide for them. However, I also need to live my own life and choose a path that’s best for me. If I lean too far in one direction or another, I am likely to get burned.
Right now, I’m being pulled in too many directions and feel as if I’ve made my choice. I’m here in California, no intention of leaving because I’m happy dangit. I keep telling myself I deserve this, I deserve to be my own person and live my own life. At the same time, I can’t help but feel guilty for doing so, for leaving them behind.
I have to wonder if I’ll ever find a balance between the two things I want most out of life.
(Please note that this was written as a Free Topic for
therealljidol but it also was more of a mind dump for me. I generally don't like sharing things like this publicly... it makes me uncomfortable. I am exhausted and most of this was written on my phone, so please excuse any autocorrect issues this time around since it's pretty much a free writing exercise for one very exhausted girl. But otherwise? Christmas was good :)