LJ Idol Season 7: Week 14; Cracks
“Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin. “
I’ve always had this insane fear of death. Not of myself, but of others I love and cherish. I often worry “If this person were to die, would they know I cared about them?” and I try to live every day where those around me know just how much they mean to me. As a child, I had anxiety attacks when my mom would drive somewhere late at night. I’d cling to her and tell her that I loved her very much before she left...just in case. I blame losing my father at a very young age. It gives me an appreciation of how quickly and without any warning you can lose someone forever. If they were to go, at least I want them to know that I loved them. I have the same fear about myself dying, in scary situations, I have often had a panic attack about "If I died, the last thing I said to my mom was...." and worry that they won't realize just how much they mean to me.
Yesterday, my worst fear came to life in a bizarre and tragic turn of events. I received a message from an old friend last night, nothing terribly unusual since we talk fairly often....except there was one line and one line only in the message.
Brandy passed away today.
Shock. Complete and utter shock. That’s all I can feel. Even as I write this, I feel a sense of “this can’t be true, can it?” She was 30 years old and newlywed. Her young husband was accepted into medical school and she was finally making a life for herself. A happy life from everything I could see. There was talk about babies, something she despised the idea of while she was young....but as she grew older, she wanted to have children more than anything else, and there was talk that the young family would soon start trying. It just makes the cause of death even more painful knowing how badly she wanted have a baby with her husband.
But I wasn’t told what took her life in the original message, and I tried to run through every possible cause of death and came up blank...
Drugs?
After she quit smoking several years ago, she never even touched Tylenol, much less anything more severe.
Car Accident?
She didn’t drive....she walked everywhere.
Suicide?
She was always a bit morbid, but taking her life even seemed too extreme for how happy she was recently.
The list went on and on....nothing came to mind.
I eventually got a response from our friend and it was a kick to the stomach. It’s the only thing that humans cannot prevent, no matter how hard we try to live forever or how hard we try to live a perfectly healthy life. It’s death’s way of showing that it simply can’t be beat, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
Cancer.
She had been battling ovarian cancer for a little bit, but they removed it and she went on to be just fine. Until they discovered it wasn’t just fine. Some cancer cells were missed and they took up home in her liver. There was no coming back from that.
Brandy was my best friend in high school. I wrote a piece about her last season and when looking back, it’s almost scary how easily it could talk of her passing. I can’t even read it without breaking into tears, but yet, I have a sick desire to read it over and over again...It’s ironic how I wrote about our conversation back in high school where we discussed growing up and growing old, losing the fun out of life. How she would always be in my life no matter what....but something so little ruined a friendship that meant the world to me, and I always knew that we would find out way back into each others lives.
Unfortunately, life had other plans.
The worst part? I never even knew she was sick. I thought about Brandy every single day and kept telling myself that I would contact her one day. One day didn’t come soon enough for my friend. When it comes to those we love, opening up about how we feel should never be put on hold for “one day” because life is a fickle thing and that day may come a day too late.
And now, to read that she never will know just exactly how much I wanted her in my life. She passed away thinking I no longer cared for her, that I didn’t even care enough to contact her when she was dying....did she even know that I didn’t know? Did she assume I knew and just didn’t give a damn to contact her? Our fights were often about how I didn’t devote as much time to the friendship, that I didn’t seem to care....was this just the final bit of evidence to prove that I didn’t love her?
Her Facebook profile is full of photos with wigs, and one of her bald from chemo dressed as Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins for Halloween. I wasn’t her friend, I didn’t see this. Mutual friends never told me that my time to make amends was running out.
She was 30 freaking years old. I thought I had all the time in the world. I should know better by now that life is not a guarantee. Just because someone is in your life today and everything seems to be going fine, doesn’t mean that something won’t happen and shatter your entire world tomorrow. I should know this. I should have taken the time to make my admiration for her known. But I thought I still had the power of time on my side. I really still cling to the idea that we have all the time in the world while young, this was a true kick to the gut and made me reorganize all the thoughts in my head about life and death right now.
It only seems like yesterday that we were getting into trouble together. If we weren’t hanging out, we were on the phone for hours on end, usually watching MTV and just laughing until it hurt.I still remember the day we met. I was in the 3rd grade and jealous of this older girl, jealous she would steal my friend away. Little did I know that she would steal my heart instead.
I was younger, and while I thought I was strong and macho, she was my protector. She helped get me out of trouble more times than I could count. If I was scared, she was there. If I needed a good laugh, she was there. I knew I could always count on her. I have never had a friend like that since. No one who has accepted me as who I am completely and wholly, who has watched over me as a big sister, but still was nudging me along to live a little instead of constantly being afraid like I had been for so long.
She was never ashamed to tell me that she loved me. These days, it seems so taboo amongst friends to utter such words. Even then, it was rumored that we were lesbian lovers because we were that close. She was never afraid to hug me or smack my ass playfully and run off before I could seek revenge. She was the hand that helped me up on top of the van when I went van surfing for the first time. She’s the one who gave me my first sip of alcohol. She encouraged bad behavior, sure....but she also encouraged me to enjoy my life. To never let fear stand in the way of living life to the fullest.
She was absolutely brilliant, and honestly, I can’t fathom the world without her. I always imagined that one day, we would reconcile and she would be in my life once more. I planned on that happening. I counted on that happening. And while we rarely talked these days, seeing her pop up on mutual friends Facebook status’s always made me smile. Life would be okay since she was still around, still there....and one day I would get the courage to tell her exactly how I felt about her and things would be okay again.
But the Universe had other plans in store, other lessons to teach those who were touched by Brandy’s brilliance. For one reason or another, she simply isn’t meant to be in my life, nor anyone elses any longer. There is a hole that I doubt anyone else can fill. I owe so much to her. I am the strong, happy to be weird, no longer afraid of everything person I am today because of her. She taught me so much without even trying, she just had to be herself and I learned so much about life from her. I learned a new found appreciation for living, my suicidal thoughts never came back once we became friends because she showed me how to love life in a way no one has ever done before.
As morbid as it is, I suppose this is one more lesson from her. One more reason to appreciate living, to understand that anyone’s days can be numbered, even my own. I am never too young to have it all end tomorrow and I need to make the best of the time I do have. I need to make sure that others know that I love them, and that I admire them.
But she will never, ever know that because I simply thought we had more time. My heart is utterly broken right now. Even when I finally can put it back together, I highly doubt I will ever be the same knowing that Brandy passed away without knowing that I indeed cared for her very much. She never knew how badly I wanted to be her friend again because I let fear of rejection cloud my judgment of telling her how I felt.
I don’t have specific beliefs about the Afterlife, or what happens after death....but whatever it is, I hope it’s as beautiful and wonderful as the life she led.
After all, the world has one less beautiful soul than it did just yesterday.
This is my group from high school. Brandy is the one with the bear (his name was Antoine) with her head on my shoulder. Jessica is in the back, the one who gave me the news yesterday. Thom, who was like a big brother to us all, rounds out the four of us. This was the last day of school for Brandy as she graduated, the last time we were every really this close.
She loved writing and was an English major. There is no funeral, as she refused to plan such affairs and didn't want a big fuss over her death. I know in life she appreciated writing so much, so in death, I shall honor her in the way I see fit. I know this would mean more to her than flowers which also die or a card which gets thrown away. She felt power in the written word, thus this is my tribute to her.
I’ve always had this insane fear of death. Not of myself, but of others I love and cherish. I often worry “If this person were to die, would they know I cared about them?” and I try to live every day where those around me know just how much they mean to me. As a child, I had anxiety attacks when my mom would drive somewhere late at night. I’d cling to her and tell her that I loved her very much before she left...just in case. I blame losing my father at a very young age. It gives me an appreciation of how quickly and without any warning you can lose someone forever. If they were to go, at least I want them to know that I loved them. I have the same fear about myself dying, in scary situations, I have often had a panic attack about "If I died, the last thing I said to my mom was...." and worry that they won't realize just how much they mean to me.
Yesterday, my worst fear came to life in a bizarre and tragic turn of events. I received a message from an old friend last night, nothing terribly unusual since we talk fairly often....except there was one line and one line only in the message.
Brandy passed away today.
Shock. Complete and utter shock. That’s all I can feel. Even as I write this, I feel a sense of “this can’t be true, can it?” She was 30 years old and newlywed. Her young husband was accepted into medical school and she was finally making a life for herself. A happy life from everything I could see. There was talk about babies, something she despised the idea of while she was young....but as she grew older, she wanted to have children more than anything else, and there was talk that the young family would soon start trying. It just makes the cause of death even more painful knowing how badly she wanted have a baby with her husband.
But I wasn’t told what took her life in the original message, and I tried to run through every possible cause of death and came up blank...
Drugs?
After she quit smoking several years ago, she never even touched Tylenol, much less anything more severe.
Car Accident?
She didn’t drive....she walked everywhere.
Suicide?
She was always a bit morbid, but taking her life even seemed too extreme for how happy she was recently.
The list went on and on....nothing came to mind.
I eventually got a response from our friend and it was a kick to the stomach. It’s the only thing that humans cannot prevent, no matter how hard we try to live forever or how hard we try to live a perfectly healthy life. It’s death’s way of showing that it simply can’t be beat, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
Cancer.
She had been battling ovarian cancer for a little bit, but they removed it and she went on to be just fine. Until they discovered it wasn’t just fine. Some cancer cells were missed and they took up home in her liver. There was no coming back from that.
Brandy was my best friend in high school. I wrote a piece about her last season and when looking back, it’s almost scary how easily it could talk of her passing. I can’t even read it without breaking into tears, but yet, I have a sick desire to read it over and over again...It’s ironic how I wrote about our conversation back in high school where we discussed growing up and growing old, losing the fun out of life. How she would always be in my life no matter what....but something so little ruined a friendship that meant the world to me, and I always knew that we would find out way back into each others lives.
Unfortunately, life had other plans.
The worst part? I never even knew she was sick. I thought about Brandy every single day and kept telling myself that I would contact her one day. One day didn’t come soon enough for my friend. When it comes to those we love, opening up about how we feel should never be put on hold for “one day” because life is a fickle thing and that day may come a day too late.
And now, to read that she never will know just exactly how much I wanted her in my life. She passed away thinking I no longer cared for her, that I didn’t even care enough to contact her when she was dying....did she even know that I didn’t know? Did she assume I knew and just didn’t give a damn to contact her? Our fights were often about how I didn’t devote as much time to the friendship, that I didn’t seem to care....was this just the final bit of evidence to prove that I didn’t love her?
Her Facebook profile is full of photos with wigs, and one of her bald from chemo dressed as Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins for Halloween. I wasn’t her friend, I didn’t see this. Mutual friends never told me that my time to make amends was running out.
She was 30 freaking years old. I thought I had all the time in the world. I should know better by now that life is not a guarantee. Just because someone is in your life today and everything seems to be going fine, doesn’t mean that something won’t happen and shatter your entire world tomorrow. I should know this. I should have taken the time to make my admiration for her known. But I thought I still had the power of time on my side. I really still cling to the idea that we have all the time in the world while young, this was a true kick to the gut and made me reorganize all the thoughts in my head about life and death right now.
It only seems like yesterday that we were getting into trouble together. If we weren’t hanging out, we were on the phone for hours on end, usually watching MTV and just laughing until it hurt.I still remember the day we met. I was in the 3rd grade and jealous of this older girl, jealous she would steal my friend away. Little did I know that she would steal my heart instead.
I was younger, and while I thought I was strong and macho, she was my protector. She helped get me out of trouble more times than I could count. If I was scared, she was there. If I needed a good laugh, she was there. I knew I could always count on her. I have never had a friend like that since. No one who has accepted me as who I am completely and wholly, who has watched over me as a big sister, but still was nudging me along to live a little instead of constantly being afraid like I had been for so long.
She was never ashamed to tell me that she loved me. These days, it seems so taboo amongst friends to utter such words. Even then, it was rumored that we were lesbian lovers because we were that close. She was never afraid to hug me or smack my ass playfully and run off before I could seek revenge. She was the hand that helped me up on top of the van when I went van surfing for the first time. She’s the one who gave me my first sip of alcohol. She encouraged bad behavior, sure....but she also encouraged me to enjoy my life. To never let fear stand in the way of living life to the fullest.
She was absolutely brilliant, and honestly, I can’t fathom the world without her. I always imagined that one day, we would reconcile and she would be in my life once more. I planned on that happening. I counted on that happening. And while we rarely talked these days, seeing her pop up on mutual friends Facebook status’s always made me smile. Life would be okay since she was still around, still there....and one day I would get the courage to tell her exactly how I felt about her and things would be okay again.
But the Universe had other plans in store, other lessons to teach those who were touched by Brandy’s brilliance. For one reason or another, she simply isn’t meant to be in my life, nor anyone elses any longer. There is a hole that I doubt anyone else can fill. I owe so much to her. I am the strong, happy to be weird, no longer afraid of everything person I am today because of her. She taught me so much without even trying, she just had to be herself and I learned so much about life from her. I learned a new found appreciation for living, my suicidal thoughts never came back once we became friends because she showed me how to love life in a way no one has ever done before.
As morbid as it is, I suppose this is one more lesson from her. One more reason to appreciate living, to understand that anyone’s days can be numbered, even my own. I am never too young to have it all end tomorrow and I need to make the best of the time I do have. I need to make sure that others know that I love them, and that I admire them.
But she will never, ever know that because I simply thought we had more time. My heart is utterly broken right now. Even when I finally can put it back together, I highly doubt I will ever be the same knowing that Brandy passed away without knowing that I indeed cared for her very much. She never knew how badly I wanted to be her friend again because I let fear of rejection cloud my judgment of telling her how I felt.
I don’t have specific beliefs about the Afterlife, or what happens after death....but whatever it is, I hope it’s as beautiful and wonderful as the life she led.
After all, the world has one less beautiful soul than it did just yesterday.
This is my group from high school. Brandy is the one with the bear (his name was Antoine) with her head on my shoulder. Jessica is in the back, the one who gave me the news yesterday. Thom, who was like a big brother to us all, rounds out the four of us. This was the last day of school for Brandy as she graduated, the last time we were every really this close.
She loved writing and was an English major. There is no funeral, as she refused to plan such affairs and didn't want a big fuss over her death. I know in life she appreciated writing so much, so in death, I shall honor her in the way I see fit. I know this would mean more to her than flowers which also die or a card which gets thrown away. She felt power in the written word, thus this is my tribute to her.