fic: everyone looks the same to me, yehae, pg13
Title: Everyone Looks the Same to Me
Author:
pinefir
Pairing: Yesung/Donghae
Genre: angst/drama/slice of life/romance
Rating: PG13 for implied sexual situations
Summary: They say goldfishes have bad memory. Maybe Donghae is a goldfish, because he has bad memory when it comes to Yesung.
Words: 9502
Disclaimer: I don't own donghae nor yesung nor any of the SJ members. nothing in here is sujuaccurate, but I made sure that i haven't missed or made any medical fallacies here, lest people accuse me of making stuff up.
foryoung_ah , my 
help_japan fic
Author’s Note:
Prosopagnosia -Also known as faceblindness and facial agnosia: Patients cannot consciously recognize familiar faces, sometimes even including their own. This is often misperceived as an inability to remember names.
I honestly don’t find this sad. It’s not sad right? It’s a perfectly normal story and. Yeah.
So one day I was looking for a story to read then I read this fic about some member having amnesia and I’m like, AMNESIA? Again? That’s not the only mental disorder in the world you know, lots of people are suffering from the inability to recognize people, right from wrong, pain and seriously, why stick to amnesia. And then I researched mental disorders, and I saw this and I was instantly reminded of Obliviate. What if, you could obliviate people of their memories, in such a way that you’ll only blackout the faces of the people who wronged you? Would that be nice? I don’t know.
And I obviously enjoyed writing this, I wrote this in 1 day, in 1 seating. Haha, I’m not bragging but I feel so proud that I love this fic so much and I wish this was worth the donation young_ah did
You know, it’s kind of like; I’ve lost everybody, like everyone’s gone. And all that I’m really left with are facts without faces..., you know?
Jongwoon looks at Donghae talking to his co-workers with a smile on his face and wonders. He wonders why Donghae’s so comfortable with them, it seems as if Donghae can remember his friends and co-workers well enough, but never him. It’s frustrating, and as of now, nothing is stopping him from asking Donghae’s doctors if they’re hiding the truth from him and that Donghae’s been obliviated of memories concerning him.
Donghae says his goodbyes to his co-workers. They’re nice people and he honestly likes them, but he doesn’t think any of them would leave an imprint on his mind. He turns around and sees a man standing next to a car, he seems to be waiting for someone. He walks towards the man , taking long , purposeful strides as if he’s done it everyday. It’s almost routine now, every day, that man would wait for him and fetch him from work. He doesn’t know who this man is, but he knows the way he talks, the way he wears his clothes and the way he looks at Donghae. It never changes, the way that guy looks at him, at first, after his accident, he was afraid to trust this man. But nobody seemed to be bothered by this guy appearing right next to him, so maybe, he should know him. But he had to admit though, never did he find this guy’s stares unsettling.
“How’s your day, Donghae?” the man greets him as he opens the door for him. He smiles gratefully at him and climbs in.
“Great,” he responds, as the man gets in from the driver’s side. “I think I’m able to tell Hyukjae and Jungsu apart now,” he says.
The man smiles at him, and Donghae feels his heart beat faster at his smile. He’s such a good-looking guy, and he was just his type.
“Donghae, you’re staring at me again,” he says with a chuckle as he revs up the engine.
Donghae leans back on his seat. “Does it unnerve you when I stare at you?” he asks him.
“No,” the man replies.
“It shouldn’t,” Donghae replies. “Especially when I don’t find your staring unsettling at all.”
The man laughs at him, and Donghae chuckles. “I see I’m not the only staring then,” he comments, making a turn to the left.
“Yeah, you aren’t alone,” Donghae agrees with him. He turns on the radio and a song by some American band starts playing. It was something slow and he couldn’t piece all the words together. He then looks at his fingers. “Why are you always staring at me anyway?” he asks with a small voice. “I mean, I don’t think you have it like me, so I don’t think you need to memorize my face by staring.”
“Is it bad to stare at you?” he counters.
“No.”
“It’s your face,” the man answers. “It’s attracting my eyes.”
Donghae keeps quite about that, but deep inside he was bursting with glee. What do you know, this guy sees him as attractive too.
“Why do you stare at me then?” the man asks Donghae now and he’s caught off guard.
“You?” Donghae repeats. “Why do I stare at you?”
The man nods.
“Because I don’t want to forget a face like yours, but I always do. So I stare, just so I can be reminded,” Donghae admits.
It was a cold, winter night. The roads were much more slippery than usual and even with utmost care and steady hands, Jongwoon can’t help but lose his hold. The weather plus the stress of licensure examinations and a little dose of alcohol was what made him lose it. Every night, he finds himself back inside his Volvo, gripping on the wheels too tightly and turning it around and around but nothing ever happens. They always end up at the side of the bridge, with Donghae hitting the windshield, almost breaking it. He wants to wake up at this point, but he never wakes up before he gets to see Donghae’s bloodied face and body slumped on the dashboard. And then Donghae opens his eyes, bloodied and all, and he seems to be judging Jongwoon and condemning him. It is during this time when he wakes up in a cold sweat, and Donghae would sleepily ask him what’s wrong. Tonight isn’t any different.
Donghae sits at a table where Jungsoo and Hyukjae sit eating. He joins them and for a moment he is again confused who Jungsoo is and who Hyukjae is. It is when one of them finally smiles at him gummily that he recognizes who’s who.
“Hi, Hyukjae,” he greets the man who smiled at him. Hyukjae greets him back. “Hi Jungsu-hyung,” he motions toward the other. Jungsu smiles at him.
“Took you a moment to recognize us,” Jungsu says.
“I’m sorry about that,” Donghae says. “I’ve only learned which of the traits to look at to recognize you two.”
“That’s okay,” Hyukjae answers. “It’d probably take you time, but you’ll recognize us in a snap next time.”
“I hope so,” Donghae answers.
Jungsu holds his free hand. “Believe me, you’ll get over this,” he says. “Jongwoon would help you out.”
Donghae nods dumbly. He’s itching to ask who Jongwoon is, but even that sounds stupid to his ears. He know who he is, he’s the one Donghae loves so much. But why, why can’t he put a face to that name? He is briefly reminded of the man who fetches him from work. Maybe that man is Jongwoon, he thinks, but he can’t be too sure; after all, he’s forgotten how Jongwoon looks like and how that man looks like too.
Jongwoon gets off at work earlier today, deciding that maybe he should drop by Donghae’s doctor’s first and update him. He enters the clinic where Dr. Ahn is. He nods to the attendant and asks if the doctor was busy. With the attendant’s reply of no, he proceeds to the door behind her.
“Ah, Jongwoon-ssi,” the doctor greets him. “I see that Donghae’s not here, what can I help you with?” he says as he motions for him to sit.
Jongwoon sits in front of him and looks at him. “Can you tell me again what Donghae has? This time more clearly, please?”
“What Donghae has is associative prosopagnosia. It’s when a person can’t identify a face. He can see the facial features and they’re clear to him, but he can never put a name to that face,” the doctor starts.
“But it isn’t something like amnesia, right?” Jongwoon asks, feeling a sense of déjà vu. Hasn’t he asked this before?
“No, they’re completely different,” the doctor answers. “Amnesia is forgetting, what Donghae has is recognition impairment. Losing your ability to store memories is not the same as losing your ability to recognize things.”
“But he remembers me right?” Jongwoon asks.
“Oh yes, he should remember you clearly, he knows all the things you’ve done in the past. He knows your name and he’s never forgotten you. But he doesn’t recognize who you are. See, people with amnesia would forget you and wouldn’t have memories of the things you’ve done together. In a way you’ve disappeared from their mind completely. But people like Donghae, they can remember you perfectly well, they just don’t know you. Do you understand me?”
“But isn’t forgetting and not knowing the same thing?” Jongwoon asks, he couldn’t understand how this should make him feel better.
“Look at it this way,” the doctor says. “In a test, there are two ways to miss an answer. One is when you’ve forgotten the correct answer, the second is when you really don’t know anything at all.”
“Which one is better?” Jongwoon dreads the answer and wishes that he didn’t ask.
“Neither,” the doctor shrugs. “You’ve missed the answer, you got it wrong. And in a test, only the answer matters. Why are you asking anyway? Did something happen?”
Jongwoon shakes his head. “Nothing much, but he’s able to recognize 2 of his co-workers now. Not instantaneously though, it takes time. But I’ve wondered why he can never recognize me.”
“Maybe he does,” the doctor answers. “He just doesn’t choose to let you know.”
Donghae thinks it’s time that to finally find out the name of the guy who’s been fetching him and who’s sleeping with him. It’s been months since the accident and it’s also been months since he’s been living with that guy, but until now, he has no name for him. He never really understood what disease he has. He’s not sure if it’s amnesia or something else, but it must be a mix of both; because he remembers things that happen, voices and conversations but he can never match faces to these voices and actions.
With that guy, he has a feeling that that guy is Jongwoon. When the name Jongwoon
pops into his mind, he gets flashes of skin against skin; heavy breathing and fevered touches. When he looks at that guy, he flushes because he’s thinking of inappropriate things. The way he feels for that guy whenever he is near is the same way he feels for the name Jongwoon. So maybe, he hasn’t fully recognized him yet, but his memory does. And he wants his memory and his feelings to match so badly, but he’s always been afraid to call him Jongwoon, because what if he was wrong? Would the guy be willing to help him through?
He climbs into the car without a word. Jungsoo and Hyukjae left earlier. The man gets in from the driver’s side and Donghae is staring again at him intently. Storing into memory the way the man’s hair falls neatly into his eyes. Storing into memory the way he bites his lips as he starts the engine.
“Jongwoon,” Donghae’s voice leaves his mouth before he knew it. He stills for a moment, hoping against hope that he got the right name and the right person.
Jongwoon suddenly looks at him, unsure if he’s heard him right. “What did you say?”
“Jongwoon,” Donghae repeats. “You’re Jongwoon right?”
“What made you think of that?” Jongwoon replies, not letting himself bask in happiness. He isn’t so sure if Donghae recognizes him anyway.
“It’s the way you speak, and the way you act around me,” Donghae says. “I don’t remember how Jongwoon looks , how you look. But, something tells me you are the Jongwoon I love.”
“What if I wasn’t?”
“I can’t be wrong about my feelings,” Donghae says with conviction but his hands tighten on the seatbelt. He can feel his hands sweating and his feet getting cold. What if this was not Jongwoon?
Jongwoon places his right hand over Donghe’s which was gripping the seatbelt tightly. He massages it and gently forces it open to weave his fingers in between his. Donghae’s hand tightens around his hand and he gives it a reassuring squeeze. In the back of Donghae’s mind, from a cabinet labelled Jongwoon, a memory flies out from it and plays itself in Donghae’s eyes. It was a memory of Jongwoon asking him to live with him, and in it Jongwoon was playing with Donghae’s hands, tracing lines on his palms and squeezing his fingers.
“You know, I’ll always love you right, Hae?” he asks him.
“I’ll always love you too, Jongwoon,” he replies as he squeezes his hand to convince him further. He looks at Jongwoon who was looking at him intently. He focuses on Jongwoon’s smile, how his small but plump lips stretch when he shows only his upper teeth. He focuses on the way his jawline seems to disappear with his smile and wonders how many times he’s missed kissing his lips. He doesn’t take his eyes off his lips even if Jongwoon looks away from him, smiling. Tonight he’ll memorize those lips, tomorrow his eyes, the day after tomorrow, his nose. But for now, he’ll just stare at him, lest he forget how the love of his life looks like when he blinks. Day by day, part by part.
At dinner, when Jongwoon was sucking on his chopstick and making ungodly slurping sounds, Donghae puts down his chopsticks and looks at him pointedly. Jongwoon looks at him confused to as why he stopped eating. He raises an eyebrow at him and Donghae sighs.
“I want to kiss you.,” Donghae says without blinking an eye.
Jongwoon swallows and gulps. “What?”
Donghae motions for him to come forward and so he does. When he was close enough, Donghae pulls him by his neck and smashes their lips together. He kisses him closed mouth, wanting to feel his lips against his own and filing them under Jongwoon in his memories. He opens his mouth and licks Jongwoon’s lips tracing it as if it’s some artwork that needs replicating. He nips on Jongwoon’s lips, feeling every crack of dried skin and relishing the plumpness. When Jongwoon opens his mouth, he lets his tongue slither in and
identify Jongwoon from his insides out. Jongwoon who has been lax back then, finally responds as eagerly as him and then the kiss ceases to be explorative and educational. It’s passionate and wanting now. It was to make up for all the times they’ve missed.
They break part because breathing is necessary, and what Donghae did left Jongwoon breathless.
“Wow,” Jongwoon breathes out.
“Yeah, wow.”
“I’ve missed that,” Jongwoon says, a bit nostalgic as a hand is brought up to his now-bruised lips.
“Me too,” Donghae says. “Let’s do that again,” he says as a joke. But Jongwoon takes him seriously and he’s not surprised to find himself pinned against the wall of the kitchen, Jongwoon kissing him senseless. He thinks it’s the best way to recognize Jongwoon.He then breaks off the kiss and Jongwoon moves on to nip on his jaw lightly, sucking and biting gently and he can’t help but moan in pleasure. He lets his memories do the work for him as flashes of Jongwoon naked next to him whispering “I love you”’s play across his mind with Jongwoon’s hands wandering beneath his shirt.
“I’ve missed you so much, Donghae,” he says as his hands move lower. Donghae could only groan in response. Jongwoon’s hands were near and yet so far from Donghae’s favourite spot, he had a half a mind not to buck into his hands, not wanting to appear so eager and desperate.
“Shh, Jongwoon,” he says as he plants a finger on Jongwoon’s lips and then grinds himself into Jongwoon’s palm. “Let’s just do this, okay?”
Jongwoon mumbles a yes in response before claiming his lips again. Donghae didn’t know when it happened but all he knew next was he was being carried up to their room, dinner forgotten on the table.
Jongwoon lies spent on his bed, awake and staring at the ceiling while his arm curls around the equally naked Donghae next to him. He smiles and thanks the heavens that Donghae could finally recognize him. It took him almost 4 months to get Donghae to even speak to him and now that he knows him, he’s sure that things are looking up for the better. He lets his eyes close and for a moment, he’s genuinely happy that Donghae’s back and safe with him.
Donghae lies spent, facing Jongwoon who now had his eyes closed. A moment ago he was staring at the ceiling, he must be sleeping now, he thought. He must have tired him out, he thinks with a smile as he snuggles closer to him. he doesn’t remove his eyes away from him though, because he’s scared that if he’ll close them, he’ll only remember his voice, and his touches but never his face.
“Jongwoon,” he whispers and Jongoon cracks an eye open. “Look at me.”
“Donghae? Why aren’t you asleep yet?”Jongwoon asks as he turns to face him and closes his eyes again. He sounds tired to Donghae and Donghae mentally kicks himself for asking him to look at him.
“I’m not tired,” Donghae lies. He is, he is so tired, physically and of course mentally too. All this visualizing had him wishing he didn’t have this disorder in the first place.
“You’ll be up early tomorrow,” Jongwoon mutters to him as he buries his face into the crook of Donghae’s shoulders. “You should get some rest.”
“I’ll go to sleep later, I promise,” Donghae reassures him and Jongwoon smiles at him and mouths an okay.
When Donghae is sure that Jongwoon is asleep, he kisses Jongwoon’s eyes and nose and lips and proceeds to take mental photographs of him. Tomorrow, when he wakes up, he’ll probably look for a name to match this face again, like he does every day, so he doesn’t want to go to sleep. Not when he can finally recognize him now.
It takes Donghae 20 minutes to tell Jungsoo and Hyukjae apart now. He is disappointed, yesterday, he was able to tell them apart almost instantly. What is different now, he wonders? He looks at the guy with the dimples and wonders if that is Jungsu or Hyukjae, he shrugs because he knows he’ll never be able to tell unless one of them speaks. But they seem to be content not speaking. Donghae shrugs it away and only hopes that it’s just some temporary glitch in his brain. Maybe it’s time to visit his doctor again.
Donghae tells his boss that he needs to be let off early today because there is something wrong. He remembers his boss to be very strict and most of the time , not very understanding, but it surprises him when he is permitted to get off work earlier. He looks at his boss’ smiling face and wonders what is that he sees in his boss’ eyes. Is that some kind of pity, he sees? He shrugs and brushes it off, choosing not to dwell on it. He doesn’t say goodbye to Jungsoo and Hyukjae because he couldn’t see them anywhere, but he does remember two people stopping him and asking him where he’s going to which he does not respond.
“Donghae-ssi?” the girl calls out to him just as he was about to finish the article he was reading. He looks up at her, a bit annoyed that he called her. “Dr. Ahn’s ready to see you now.” He smiles his thanks to her and proceeds to the door behind her.
“Ahh, Mr. Lee, Mr. Kim your boyfriend was just here a few days ago,” the man tells him. If it weren’t for the Dr. Ahn on his coat, Donghae would’ve assumed that the clinic was now hiring idols for their doctors. He doesn’t recall Dr. Ahn being this young, he’d always thought Dr. Ahn would be bald and greying, not spiky haired in his late 30s. The doctor motions for him to sit down and he does so. “Here for a check-up, I presume?” he says and Donghae nods. “Okay then, come here,” he motions for him to come closer and soon Donghae is faced with a book.
Dr. Ahn shows him pictures and asks him to label them correctly. For the first few pages, he felt confident because he can recognize the things that Dr. Ahn was showing. Some dog, some toys, some place. And then he’s showed cartoon characters. There was a yellow, plump, bird on the page and he honestly remembers this bird but he can’t. He doesn’t know what it is. The next page shows him a picture of a man with a blue suit on and red cape, he doesn’t need to look at its face to know its superman. Then there are 2 pages of 1 person in the same color scheme of green and black. One had a shining gem on his hand and the other had a green coat on. Either way, they were one and the same person to him. after a few pages on super heroes, there was section on idol groups. He didn’t know if his answere were correct but he was pretty sure that he got the 9 girls as SNSD correct, unless of course there was another group which was made of 9 girls in the book, then maybe he had to worry. But there was none, so he was fine.
After he finished going though the book, Dr. Ahn takes it from him and tells him to wait as he processes the results. After a few minutes or so, Dr. Ahn is back with the book and with some freshly-printed results.
“So, how did I do?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor looks at him sadly and Donghae holds his breath and silently prays that the doctor has some weird sense of humor.
“Tell me, Donghae,” the doctor starts. “Have you been having any headaches recently?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, sir. I haven’t been feeling unwell. Does this have anything to do with the test results?”
He shows him the paper and he makes a quick scan of the words and the numbers but he can’t make any sense of it.
“The first part, the one with visual recognition, you’ve passed it,” the doctor says while Donghae looks for the category. It says 100% beside it, he can’t help but feel proud of himself. “But you’ve always been good at visual recognition and you’re consistent on that too so we don’t have a problem with that. The second part however, is the facial recognition part.”
“I got a 52.3%.What about it sir?” Donghae asks. He honestly can’t remember all his scores but he’s quite sure that it’s above the passing mark.
“It’s way lower than your previous results, Donghae,” the doctor says, and Donghae can feel his heart plummet. “Last time you got a 70% on facial recognition and that just puts you under the associative prosapagnosia where you can somehow recognize people by the things they wear. But this time, you’re at 52.3%. That’s almost 20% lower than your normal recognition rate. Is there something troubling you? You usually can recognize people by looking at the hair, or their mouths, but now you’ve completely messed them up.”
Donghae doesn’t answer, feeling rather beat up and like a child being scolded.
“I know that all cases are unique, but Donghae, this is the first time I’ve seen someone get better and then get worse,” the doctor says, Donghae looks at him and he looks genuinely concerned. “Did something major happen?” he asks again and again, Donghae shakes his head none.
“Nothing sir,” he says. “I’ve been feeling fine , and to be honest I couldn’t feel any better. Last night, I was able to recognize Jongwoon,” he says with a smile. “And honestly, it was overwhelming and scary, but I was able to do it.”
“Do you remember how he looks?” the doctor asks him.
Donghae nods. “Of course,he looks amazing. He has short hair and bangs falling into his eyes. He looks kind, and he’s very friendly, and...,” then he trails off.
“Donghae?” the doctor asks.
Donghae looks at him fearfully. One moment he’s describing how Jongwoon looks like and next moment, he can’t.
“Donghae? Donghae-ssi are you alright?” the doctor asks again.
Donghae looks away from him, and then his eyes dart on the pictures on the wall. He can’t tell any of them apart. He can’t even tell if his doctor was in any of the pictures. He can’t breathe, he feels suffocated. He feels as if he’s cheated and he’s all choked up because it’s unfair. He doesn’t even realize that tears are welling up in his eyes until the doctor hands him tissues.
“Are you even in any of those photos?” he asks the doctor instead.
Dr. Ahn doesn’t answer, seeing Donghae like this makes him guilty of what he just told him earlier. The moment Donghae stopped describing Jongwoon was the moment he realized that maybe, instead of having progressed, Donghae has regressed.
“I ,” Donghae starts, his voice sounds foreign to his ears, he sounds as if he’s choking.
“Maybe I’m just stressed,” he says as he looks pleadingly at the doctor, as if asking him to believe him. “There’s a lot that’s expected from me in the office right now, and maybe it’s all going in my head.”
The doctor only nods in response. “Yes, stress could bring that about,” he tells Donghae, but deep inside he knows that there’s a lot more to that than stress. He grasps Donghae’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “Would you like to have some scans or tests done?” he asks him. “Just so we can rule out the things that should be ruled out?”
Donghae looks at him for a moment and then sighs. “Maybe, not today, or anywhere in the near future,” he decides. “In two weeks or so? Just before this month ends, maybe? It’s inventory month this month, so maybe my brain’s just getting rewired with all the accounting I have to do.”
“Okay, I’ll schedule it three weeks from now then,” the doctor says. “It’ll be in the general hospital okay? Not here because we don’t have the equipment here, is that okay with you?”
Donghae nods dumbly.
“I’ll go inform Jongwoon then?”
Donghae looks up. “No! No, don’t tell him, Doc.”
“But Jongwoon needs to be there, we’re gonna have major tests done on you.”
“No, please just don’t tell Jongwoon. Not yet okay?” he makes the doctor promise, when the doctor resignedly agrees he continues. “I’ll tell him, anyways. He just doesn’t need it to come from you, no offence.”
The doctor could only nod in response. He wanted to tell Jongwoon of this recent development. It would greatly help Donghae if he did, but telling him would be a breach in confidentiality. He watches him leave his office and can’t help but feel sorry for the two of them. Jongwoon clearly wanted to help Donghae, but Donghae’s trying to be independent at an inconvenient time. He shakes his head, he doesn’t know who to feel more sorry for.
Jongwoon, don’t pick me up anymore, I’m home now.
That was the text Jongwoon received from Donghae, and to be honest, he doesn’t know whether he should feel relieved that Donghae’s home now or worried that he’s home before hi. He left the office just in time, so he was pretty sure that he wasn’t late. It could be that Donghae was let off earlier than usual, but then why wouldn’t he have texted him? Could there be something wrong?
A beep from his phone and he takes the shoulder in order to stop for a moment just so he can read the message.
Bring home dinner, I don’t want to cook, and I don’t want YOU to cook too, so :D
He smiles, trust Donghae to shirk out of his cooking responsibilities. He starts the car again and heads for a u-turn. He saw a Chinese restaurant on the way and he knows how much Donghae loves Chinese.
The first thing that comes to mind during dinner later that day was the word quiet. Jongwoon looks at donghae and wonders why he’s quiet. Usually at this time, he’d have asked jongwoon how his day went , or if not he’d have told him what he did or what he found out. Tonight is an exception though, because it seems as ifsomeone took the ability to speak from Donghae away.
“Okay, Donghae spit it out,” Jongwoon says, and donghae looks up at him guiltiy as if he was a child caught in the middle of doing something he shouldn’t. He tries to read Jongwoon’s face, but ends up with nothing; so he tries to school his face into a look of innocence instead.
“Spit what out? The dumpling?” he tenses as he attempts at a joke.
Jongwoon smiles but he knows what Donghae’s doing, so he curbs the smile and only his left upper lip curls upward. “You’ve been quiet,” he says. “You’re usually not like that. Are you okay?”
Donghae lets his shoulders sag. He thought Jongwoon knew about his visit to the doctor. “No, I’m fine,” he says. “It’s just work , I guess.”
Jongwoon nods and then takes his hand from across the table. “Don’t tire yourself out too much, love,” he says as he kisses his hand tenderly. Donghae’s cheeks flush in embarrassment.
“I never do,” he tells him reassuringly.
“I know,” he smiles at Donghae.”It’s just that, I can’t help but worry about you, okay?”
“I know that too,” Donghae says and now he’s the one to squeeze Jongwoon’s hand. “Don’t worry about me too much, you’ll get gray hair with that and I know how much you hate gray hair.”
Jongwoon laughs but never lets go of his hand.
“I’m gonna be fine in no time, Jongwoon.”
Donghae feels more nervous than before as the three weeks come to an end. He doesn’t look forward to the tests he’ll be taking. He still hasn’t told Jongwoon about it, and by the looks of things the doctor hasn’t told Jongwoon anything either. He pulls out a notebook from the third drawer of his table and checks if anyone’s around. He already finish the inventory for the last quarter of last year and right now he had nothing to do. He could go home but he doesn’t want to. The last time he went home early, Jongwoon caught him staring at pictures of them. He remembered crying when looking at them because he just couldn’t identify the people in it, and he thinks it’s so stupid that he can’t even tell people apart. It was a good thing that Jongwoon didn’t catch him crying though, because if he did, then it would only meant questions to which Donghae had no answers.
He flips the notebook open to a blank page and starts writing.
Today the boss called me in for a meeting. Something about disrespecting the executives? They said that I was supposed to greet the executive from Incheon downstairs and brief him about our inventory, but how was I supposed to know who’s who?
His grip on the pen tightens and he writes harder, the words making an impression on the next few pages.
Why did they even send me? Did they forget? I don’t even know. Jungsoo hyung could have told them, but I don’t even know where he is.
I’m scared. I’m scared that maybe Dr. Ahn is right.
He crosses the last sentence out and curses. He shouldn’t think this way and he’s only psyching himself out, he berates himself. So instead he doodles, and draws Jongwoon’s face from memory.
He looks at the drawing and thinks it looks horrible and looks nothing like him. it only meant two things, either he seriously sucks at drawing, or he just doesn’t know how to draw Jongwoon.
Dinnertime and Jongwoon still has no idea about Donghae’s tests tomorrow. For Donghae that was good news, but for Jongwoon who doesn’t know, it probably is good news too. That is until Jongwoon tells him that he’s taken the day off tomorrow.
“What? Why are you taking a day off?” Donghae asks him. He watches Jongwoon scrunch up his eyebrows, but he doesn’t think any of it.
“Why not? They’ve been tiring me out at the office now, don’t I deserve a break?” Jongwoon asks him, pouting at him.
Donghae shrugs, not saying anything.
“Hey, why aren’t you saying anything?” Jongwoon asks him.
“Should I have said something?” Donghae counters.
“How about a would you like me to take my leave tomorrow too?” Jongwoon asks.
Donghae laughs, not taking Jongwoon seriously. “You know I can’t do that,” he says, unaware of what Jongwoon’s trying to convey.
“Why not?” Jongwoon asks petulantly.
“Because tomorrow is gonna be busy for me,” Donghae reasons. “So I can’t just leave the office.”
Jongwoon only looks at him suspiciously. Donghae shrugs at him, just so he can appear as if he’s not hiding something big like getting his head cut open tomorrow. In the end, Jongwoon drops the topic and just tells Donghae to rest and that he’ll do the dishes again.
Donghae wakes up way before Jongwoon does. He looks at him, sleeping wonderfully and like a kid who had no care in the world. It was moments like this where he wishes he bought cameras just to capture his face. If he had one of those professional camera and also one of those Polaroid camera, he honestly thinks he could become just a bit better at remembering Jongwoon’s face. He’d label pictures of Jongwoon , with the date and some phrase of what he was doing during that moment so he’d have physical memories to back up the memories in his mind.
He gently places a kiss on Jongwoon’s lips and whispers and I love you before climbing out of bed. Going to the bathroom and taking his phone with him, he makes a call to his doctor.
“Dr. Ahn?” he whispers into his phone as soon as the doctor picks up. “Do you think I can get tested now? So I can go home after the procedure? Like right after?”
“I’ve been through it too many times, now,” he whispers. “I’d be fine, Doc. You’ll just have to strap me to bed for the rest of the afternoon, and maybe until 7pm and there’d be no worries? Please Doc, do it for me and Jongwoon?”
Dr. Ahn didn’t necessarily agree or disagree with what Donghae asked of him, but Donghae took his “I see what I can do” as a yes. If it was a no, then he’d worry about that later, but for now, all he need to do is leave early and pray to the heavens (like what he’s been doing for the past three weeks and for the past 4 months now) that nothing would show up in his results.
“We’re not doing a biopsy anymore, it’s too risky, especially since you’re the only one here, and you should’ve informed at least Jongwoon or your parents about today,” Dr. Ahn tells him as soon as he’s changed into the hospital robes.
“Why not? You don’t need their consent right? Just me?” Donghae asks him.
“Yes I don’t but I’m your doctor, and to be honest, this is me breaching medical procedures but I don’t think I’d endanger you by cutting your brain up,” he says. “We’ll just go with MRI and the standard tests, and then if we see something up then we’ll do a biopsy and that’s just the worst case scenario.”
Dongha eonly nods at him. He doesn’t understand what his doctor’s saying, all he wants to know if it’s gonna take him a long time. “Will I be able to go home in time for dinner?”
“Yes, after lunch would probably be the earliest,” Dr.Ahn answers. “But we’re gonna have to discuss the results first and are you sure you don’t need Jongwoon with you?”
“It’s just MRI doc,” Donghae says confidently. “If I didn’t want him here with my biopsy, why do you think I’d want him here with only an MRI to worry about?”
Jongwoon wakes up early and yet he doesn’t get to catch Donghae in bed with him, and his side of the bed is already cold. He stretches his arms and scratches his side while he looks a his alarm clock. It’s already 9 am. He wonders why Donghae left early, wasn’t he due for office at 10? He shrugs it away though, thinking that it must be a really busy day for him that’s why he got up early.
After brushing his teeth and taking a bath, he decides that he could drop by Hae’s office during lunch time and surprise him. He knows how Donghae loves surprises and food, so a surprise lunch picnic in the park near Donghae’s building would be quite a treat for him.
After getting dressed and having his light breakfast, he decides to go out and go to the grocery. Pasta, white sauce, bacon, kimchi pancakes, ddeokboki, he mentally lists off the things he would buy for him. Donghae would love him for it.
Donghae tries to keep still while he’s slowly being fed to this machine. Fed because he actually hates this machine and when he saw it on tv for the first time, he thought the machine was eating the person in it. No matter how ridiculous it sounded, he still believed in it.
It took the doctor an hour and a half to get him to MRI because of some mix up in the reservations which was brought about by Dr. Ahn’s sudden decision to use the machine. That and the fact that they also needed to buy the dye from the pharmacy, so all in all, they were 1 hour and 30 minutes behind schedule. Donghae is nervous because he knows that the MRI can take at most 40 minutes to be conducted, and that might make him late.
“Donghae? Can you hear me?” the intercom crackles to life and Donghae recognizes it to be Dr. Ahn’s voice.
“Yes.”
“We’ll do an MRI first, then after that we’ll give you an hour before we do an MRN on you,” the doctor says. “Is that fine?”
“What’s an MRN?” he can’t help but ask.
“It’s just the same with MRI only with a different dye,” the doctor says.
“Okay.”
“It might take 1 and half hour though, the MRN I mean,” the doctor clarifies.
At this point , Donghae couldn’t care any less so he just nods, not really realizing that his doctor couldn’t see him. “What time is it doc?”
“I’ll assume that as a yes then,” the doctor answers. “And it’s 11:20, pretty early if you ask me.”
Jongwoon reaches Donghae’s office at around 12:00 pm. He climbs into the elevator and sees Jungsoo and Hyukjae. He smiles at them politely, not bothering to ask them if they’ve seen Donghae.
“Hi, Jongwoon, what are you doing here?” Jungsoo asks him.
He turns around and smiles at him. “I was just about to get Donghae, I’m gonna surprise him with lunch,” he says.
“Donghae?” Hyukjae pipes up from beside him. “But Donghae isn’t here,” he says.
“What do you mean he’s not here?” Jongwoon asks, confusion written all over his face.
“Didn’t he tell you?” Hyukjae continues and Jongwoon gives him a withering look that says of-course-he-didn’t-would-I-have-asked-i
“He’s in the hospital, he’s having his tests done,” Jungsoo answers, sensing Jongwoon’s distraught over Hyukjae’s answers. “He said it’s a monthly thing?”
“Tests?” Jongwoon echoes. Donghae was having tests and he didn’t know? He felt more worried than disappointed. Donghae was a generous and selfless person, he’d never want people to worry about him, so he could understand why Donghae didn’t tell him that he was up for a test, but what he’s doing right now is more worrisome. “Did he tell you where he’s getting tested?”
“The usual, I guess?” Hyukjae answers. “He did say it was a monthly thing. Did you forget?”
“I didn’t know,” he answers Hyukjae. Hyukjae was about to say something but Jungsoo elbows him and both of them wisely keeps quiet. “He didn’t tell me.”
Jongwoon looks up at the display above them and saw that it was on the 12th floor, he pushes the door button until the elevator stops at the next floor. Without saying goodbye to the two, he leaves and switches elevator.
Jongwoon reaches the hospital where he brings Donghae for his monthly check ups by 12:45 pm. Reaching the emergency desk, he asks the nurse if there was any patient named Lee Donghae. He’s called Dr. Ahn before but all he gets is a busy line. He called Dr. Ahn’s secretary but the only thing she could tell him was that Dr. Ahn was at the hospital having a biopsy. At the word biopsy, Jongwoon’s heart raced.
“Mister?” the nurse waves his hand in front of his face and he snaps out of his thoughts.
“Yes?” he asks back.
“There’s a Lee Donghae under Dr. Ahn in room 1403, and a Lee Donghae under-,”
“Thank you, that’s all I need,” he says and Jongwoon runs to the elevator.
Donghae fell asleep in the middle of the MRI scan. He has gotten used to the noisy thrums that the machine makes, instead of scaring him like before, it now made him sleepy. He doesn’t realize that he’s being wheeled out of the MRI room and into a private room only after 30 minutes later when he feels a hand stroking his. He cracks an eye open and looks for the person who’s playing with his fingers when his eyes land on a guy that he feels is quite familiar to him, but he couldn’t tell who he is.
“Donghae?” the guy speaks up and Donghae is suddenly filled with warmth and elation when he recognizes it to be Jongwoon. “I was so worried about you,” he says as he moves to sit on Donghae’s bed, Donghae could only stare at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry,” Donghae answers sheepishly. “Besides, I didn’t have a biopsy this time, so I don’t think it’s anything serious,” he assures him. Jongwoon looks at him with a frown and Donghae has some bit of difficulty to tell if Jongwoon’s angry, or worried, or just disappointed.
“I’m not worried,” Jongwoon says, but in truth he’s more worried than ever. Donghae’s previous checkups never needed biopsy or MRI. He wonders what Dr. Ahn saw in him that made him require these tests.
“Then smile,” Donghae tells him.
Jongwoon smiles weakly at him. “Are the tests done?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, Dr. Ahn says I’ve got to take another MRI thingy.”
Jongwoon nods his head. “Okay, I’ll be there for you. Have you eaten lunch? I made you lunch.”
“No, I haven’t, let’s just eat together after the second test, okay?”
They eat at around 2:30 pm, right after Jongwoon has wheeled Donghae into the room they were in before. In that 1 ½ hour, Jongwoon gave Donghae his mp3 player so that Donghae can have something to listen to. He originally gave them to him so that he could talk to Dr. Ahn , but Donghae made him promise that they’ll look at the results together and so he did that. He busied himself with preparing their lunch on Donghae’s bed and the nurse would probably get mad at them but Jongwoon didn’t care. They were going to pay anyways, so he thought he might as well dirty the sheets in the process.
“Wow,” Donghae breathes out as soon as his eyes land on the food laid on the bed. He laughs. “The nurse are gonna kill you for this,” he jokes as he wheels himself towards the food and takes a strand of pasta.
“No they’re not,” Jongwoon says as he joins Donghae on eating the pasta. He hands him chopsticks but Donghae prefers to eat it with his hands.
“Why’d you need to get 2 MRI’s though?” Jongwoon asks.
Donghae shrugs. “They’re not 2 MRI’s though. The second one was MRN, I think?”
“Oh, okay,” Jongwoon says. “Medical jargon,” he smiles at Donghae, Donghae only keeps eating.
“We’ll know the results in an hour or so, anyway,” Donghae says, wanting to drop the topic. Jongwoon realizes that this might be uncomfortable for Donghae so he just drops the topic.
Forty minutes later, they’re about to dig into the cheesecake Yesung bought from the bakeshop when Dr. Ahn enters the room.
“Donghae-ssi, Jongwoon-ssi,” he greets them. Donghae nods and Jongwoon smiles at him. “I see you’ve eaten lunch,” he says as he notices the paper plates on the bed.
“Yeah,” Jongwoon answers for them. “I originally intended to surprise Hae with lunch, but I ended up as the one being surprised.”
“I would’ve told you about this if only Donghae here didn’t warn me he’d kill me if I did,” the doctor jokes.
Donghae laughs. “Even if I did threaten you, I might not end up getting you,” he jokes.
Jongwoon laughs nervously while the doctor only clears his throat. “Yes, that might happen,” he says. “Anyways, fresh results!”
Jongwoon and Donghae stiffen and Jondwoon unconsciously reaches out for Donghae’s hand. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Dr. Ahn , though.
Dr. Ahn clears his throat. “Anyways, whatever I’m going to say next, I hope both of you would take this as two , mature adults, okay?”
“It’s not gonna be bad news, is it?” Donghae asks and his hand tightens around Jongwoon’s. The doctor looks at anywhere but them and Jongwoon can feel his heart trying to get out of his ribcage.
“Donghae,” the doctor starts and Donghae listens attentively. “Did you happen to fall from somewhere high? Or maybe you got hit, somewhere?”
Donghae gulps. He wonders what his MRI showed that made Dr. Ahn ask this question. He sudden;y remembers the time that he fell off the stairs while at work. He thankfully had no twisted ankles and stuff like that, but he did hit his head pretty hard. He had it checked by the office’s nurse and she said that there was nothing wrong, no lumps, no concussions, and he didn’t feel any pain. He didn’t even have a headache and it was 4 weeks ago. “Yes,” he answers nervously, seeing that there was no reason to lie.
Dr. Ahn sighs, why did he have to get such a hard-headed patient was what was running in his mind. Jongwoon tries his best not to show that he is upset and shocked at the same time.
“When did that happen and what happened?” Dr. Ahn asks.
“I, I was running some errands and I was holding a box and the elevators were full and I didn’t think it could hurt to use the stairs. And so I did. I must have not seen where I was going because the next thing I know, I was down on the floor.”
Dr. Ahn sighed again and discreetly hit his forehead with his palm. “Donghae, Donghae,” was all he could say. He was about to tell Donghae off when Jongwoon got to it first.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell Dr. Ahn? You were only what? Five months healed and you get into an accident like that? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Jongwoon couldn’t stop himself. He felt hurt and scared for Donghae. In his mind, if donghae didn’t tell him things like these, then what else could he have hidden?
“I just didn’t want to make you worried,” Donghae answers in a small voice. On any other day, Jongwoon would have accepted this reason and would’ve let it go, but this was not just another day. It was a day where he, Donghae, was almost gonna get cut up just to be examined.
“You didn’t want to make me worried?” Jongwoon asked furiously, voice rising a little. Donghae wouldn’t have known that he was angry just by face alone, but the rage in Jongwoon’s voice that he rarely gets to hear gave him the chills. “Didn’t you know that i’ll never be worried? Every single second I worry about you Donghae, and you tell me that you didn’t want to get me worried? It’s a bit too late for that,” he spat at him.
Donghae pouts, upset at having angered Jongwoon. “I didn’t think,” he trails off.
“That’s right, Donghae, you didn’t think again,” Jongwoon can’t help himself from saying.
Donghae doesn’t answer and just takes his fuming in. The doctor could only look at the livid Jongwoon and at the quiet Donghae. In all honesty, he didn’t know who felt more sad for, Donghae or Jongwoon.
“I understand where you’re coming from, Jongwoon,” Dr. Ahn says. “But please, calm yourself down.” He looks at Donghae next. “Donghae, you should have told me.”
Donghae could only look down at the sheets sheepishly. He’s even ashamed to face his doctor now, it felt like it was his own fault.
“There’s something on your MRI scan and you MRN scan,” the doctor started and he brought out the scan results. “This is the first one,” he shows one page to them, but only Jongwoon is looking. “There’s a swelling on the base of your skull, Donghae. And that’s where the occipital lobe is, it’s the one in charge for processing images.”
Jongwoon nods, following what Dr. Ahn says while Donghae keeps to himself. Dr. Ahn continues. “The swelling here is ¾ of the swelling you had when the accident first happened. So, in short, you’re losing the ability to process images and it’s taking you a longer time than usual to recognize faces.”
“But it’s not even hurting,” Donghae says.
“And that’s the bad thing,” the doctor continues. “You can’t feel it hurting because here,” he holds up the second page. “Here in the MRN, the nerve endings seem to be fried in that area. Thus it makes you numb. Touch your nape and see if you can feel anything.”
Donghae brings up a hand to the base of his skull and touches it. He can feel something like a ghosting of fingers but never full fingers touching him there, and he’s scare because he’s pressing so hard now.
“See,” the doctor says, sensing Donghae’s distraught and taking it as a sign for insensitivity at that area. Donghae doesn’t say anything, and Jongwoon who had been then sitting away from Donghae moves closer to him and places an arm around him.
“What’s gonna happen now?”Jongwoon asks the unasked question.
“For now, we’re gonna try medicine and see if it can reduce the swelling like it did for the bump he obtained during the accident,” he says as he begins to list the names of the medicines that Donghae has to take.
“I see,” Jongwoon takes note of them mentally as he rubs Donghae’s side , by this time Donghae has tuned them out and could only think of one thing, will he still get better?
When Dr. Ahn makes a motion for him to leave, Donghae calls out to him. “Dr. Ahn, will I be able to recognize people again?”
Dr. Ahn stops in his steps and turns around. “As of now,” he starts, but seeing Donghae’s forlorn expression makes him want to shut up. “As of now, I don’t know. We’ll have to see,” and then he leaves them both.
Jongwoon is the one to check them out of the hospital. He leaves Donghae alone in the room. He feels guilty about it, but when does he not guilty for anything he has done to Donghae? Wasn’t he the reason why Donghae was like this? Why wasn’t he the one who ended up suffering anyway?
It was now 7 pm, and they’re back at their house. Donghae doesn’t speak to him and Jongwoon has yet to find the courage to apologize. He would’ve apologized earlier if Donghae wasn’t asleep in the car.
Donghae skips dinner as he goes straight to their room, Jongwoon had half a mind to call him for dinner, but he realizes that maybe Donghae needed to think things through. He ends up eating a cup of ramen and he smiles at the silly realization that his dinner pales so much in comparison to their lunch.
When Jongwoon joins Donghae in bed after 30 minutes, he is surprised to see him awake. Donghae turns around , away from his bedside table and towards Jongwoon as soon as Jongwoon climbs in.
“You aren’t asleep yet?” he lets him snuggle into him and bury his head into the crook of his neck.
“No,” Donghae shakes his head as he whispers his answer straight to Jongwoon’s heart. “I didn’t want to go to sleep yet.”
Jongwoon smiles before giving him a peck on his forehead. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he says. “I’m sorry I blew up on you earlier, and I’m sorry I made you this way.”
Donghae looks up at him. “You were being a jerk,” he says. “But don’t be sorry for my condition. None of us prayed for it to happen,” he says and then he goes back to snuggling Jongwoon.
“I just, you know I have these dreams of that night,” Jongwoon says.
“I know, that’s why I wake up before you during that time,” Donghae starts. “Don’t you notice me always awake when you’re having a nightmare?”
Jongwoon nods, not really remembering things like that until he realized that Donghae was right. No matter how early it was in the morning or how late it was in the evening, Donghae was awake when he gets awakened by his nightmare. He thought it was because he was thrashing in sleep, or maybe calling out his name that wakes Donghae up.
Donghae seems to have read his thought because he quickly adds, “You weren’t thrashing, or calling my name, even. I was just awake,” he says with a shrug.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t wanna go to sleep unless I’m sure you’ve had that nightmare.”
Jongwoon is tempted to ask why again, but he shuts his mouth, and instead brings Donghae closer to him. “Donghae, I love you,” he says instead. Donghae only hums in response, but Jongwoon knows that he’s returning his affection.
“I’ve always wondered,” Jongwoon starts. “When did you recognize me? Was it on the day that you started recognizing Hyukjae and Jungsoo?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, way before that.”
“Then when, and why didn’t you tell me?”
“I recognize you even after the accident. It was odd, you know, because your face, I can’t remember it, but I can remember the way you act, so I knew it was you, I just wasn’t sure.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
And then silence. Jongwoon only stares at the ceiling while Donghae stares at him. Since it was too quiet and the only thing heard was their breathing , Jongwoon assumed that Donghae was already sleeping. When he turns to look at Donghae though, he blushes and turns away quickly. Donghae holds his face and turns it back to him.
“Look at me,” Donghae says, holding his face in place. “Your face is the last thing I want to see before I go to sleep and after I wake up.”
Jongwoon kisses him softly on the lips. “I’ll make sure of that,” he says.
“You do that,” Donghae says and lets his eyes close. “Goodnight, Jongwoon.”
“Goodnight, Donghae,” he replies as he kisses Donghae on the lips again and hugs him tighter. Donghae snuggles closer and closes his eyes tighter than before, hoping that the image he has of Jongwoon will stay imprinted in his mind long before sleeps claims him.
But it doesn’t. Because the moment Donghae closes his eyes, he can’t make sense of Jongwoon’s tall nose. He doesn’t know where to put his eyes, and doesn’t know if the lips he imagined for him are too large, too small or just perfect. He ends up opening his eyes instead and taking in Jongwoon’s sleeping face. He also ends up losing sleep because of this because he can’t bring his eyes to close on their own. But it doesn’t matter, he thinks. Sleep has never been a friend of him anyways.
“Jongwoon,” Donghae says as he lays sprawled on Jongwoon’s legs one afternoon. Jongwoon only hums in response. “I wanna be a professional photographer,” he continues.
Jongwoon chuckles and Donghae enjoys the way Jongwoon’s face form lines around his mouth. “Why? What are you gonna take pictures of?”
“You, of course!” Donghae answers immediately.
“But I’m not photogenic,” Jongwoon protests.
“Nonsense, you’re the reason why cameras are invented.”
Jongwoon only laughs at him.
In the span of 4 days, Donghae has taken 150 pictures of Jongwoon and 50 pictures of himself. All of them with labels, with dates and with times. He hangs the pictures of Jongwoon on the left side of the room while his go on the right side of the room. Jongwoon asks him why he does this, he only answers with an “I need some space, too.” Jongwoon thankfully dismisses it as one of his quirks but in truth, it’s because he won’t be able to identify himself and Jongwoon apart if he ever did.
He looks at his newly hung 200 pictures and sighs. There’s no difference. The only things that differ are the clothes and the actions but never the face.
“Oh well,” he tells himself. “It’s only 200 pictures, I’ll learn them eventually.”
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
You’re everything
Everything.
#
Author:
pinefir Pairing: Yesung/Donghae
Genre: angst/drama/slice of life/romance
Rating: PG13 for implied sexual situations
Summary: They say goldfishes have bad memory. Maybe Donghae is a goldfish, because he has bad memory when it comes to Yesung.
Words: 9502
Disclaimer: I don't own donghae nor yesung nor any of the SJ members. nothing in here is sujuaccurate, but I made sure that i haven't missed or made any medical fallacies here, lest people accuse me of making stuff up.
for
young_ah , my help_japan ficAuthor’s Note:
Prosopagnosia -Also known as faceblindness and facial agnosia: Patients cannot consciously recognize familiar faces, sometimes even including their own. This is often misperceived as an inability to remember names.
I honestly don’t find this sad. It’s not sad right? It’s a perfectly normal story and. Yeah.
So one day I was looking for a story to read then I read this fic about some member having amnesia and I’m like, AMNESIA? Again? That’s not the only mental disorder in the world you know, lots of people are suffering from the inability to recognize people, right from wrong, pain and seriously, why stick to amnesia. And then I researched mental disorders, and I saw this and I was instantly reminded of Obliviate. What if, you could obliviate people of their memories, in such a way that you’ll only blackout the faces of the people who wronged you? Would that be nice? I don’t know.
And I obviously enjoyed writing this, I wrote this in 1 day, in 1 seating. Haha, I’m not bragging but I feel so proud that I love this fic so much and I wish this was worth the donation young_ah did
You know, it’s kind of like; I’ve lost everybody, like everyone’s gone. And all that I’m really left with are facts without faces..., you know?
Jongwoon looks at Donghae talking to his co-workers with a smile on his face and wonders. He wonders why Donghae’s so comfortable with them, it seems as if Donghae can remember his friends and co-workers well enough, but never him. It’s frustrating, and as of now, nothing is stopping him from asking Donghae’s doctors if they’re hiding the truth from him and that Donghae’s been obliviated of memories concerning him.
Donghae says his goodbyes to his co-workers. They’re nice people and he honestly likes them, but he doesn’t think any of them would leave an imprint on his mind. He turns around and sees a man standing next to a car, he seems to be waiting for someone. He walks towards the man , taking long , purposeful strides as if he’s done it everyday. It’s almost routine now, every day, that man would wait for him and fetch him from work. He doesn’t know who this man is, but he knows the way he talks, the way he wears his clothes and the way he looks at Donghae. It never changes, the way that guy looks at him, at first, after his accident, he was afraid to trust this man. But nobody seemed to be bothered by this guy appearing right next to him, so maybe, he should know him. But he had to admit though, never did he find this guy’s stares unsettling.
“How’s your day, Donghae?” the man greets him as he opens the door for him. He smiles gratefully at him and climbs in.
“Great,” he responds, as the man gets in from the driver’s side. “I think I’m able to tell Hyukjae and Jungsu apart now,” he says.
The man smiles at him, and Donghae feels his heart beat faster at his smile. He’s such a good-looking guy, and he was just his type.
“Donghae, you’re staring at me again,” he says with a chuckle as he revs up the engine.
Donghae leans back on his seat. “Does it unnerve you when I stare at you?” he asks him.
“No,” the man replies.
“It shouldn’t,” Donghae replies. “Especially when I don’t find your staring unsettling at all.”
The man laughs at him, and Donghae chuckles. “I see I’m not the only staring then,” he comments, making a turn to the left.
“Yeah, you aren’t alone,” Donghae agrees with him. He turns on the radio and a song by some American band starts playing. It was something slow and he couldn’t piece all the words together. He then looks at his fingers. “Why are you always staring at me anyway?” he asks with a small voice. “I mean, I don’t think you have it like me, so I don’t think you need to memorize my face by staring.”
“Is it bad to stare at you?” he counters.
“No.”
“It’s your face,” the man answers. “It’s attracting my eyes.”
Donghae keeps quite about that, but deep inside he was bursting with glee. What do you know, this guy sees him as attractive too.
“Why do you stare at me then?” the man asks Donghae now and he’s caught off guard.
“You?” Donghae repeats. “Why do I stare at you?”
The man nods.
“Because I don’t want to forget a face like yours, but I always do. So I stare, just so I can be reminded,” Donghae admits.
It was a cold, winter night. The roads were much more slippery than usual and even with utmost care and steady hands, Jongwoon can’t help but lose his hold. The weather plus the stress of licensure examinations and a little dose of alcohol was what made him lose it. Every night, he finds himself back inside his Volvo, gripping on the wheels too tightly and turning it around and around but nothing ever happens. They always end up at the side of the bridge, with Donghae hitting the windshield, almost breaking it. He wants to wake up at this point, but he never wakes up before he gets to see Donghae’s bloodied face and body slumped on the dashboard. And then Donghae opens his eyes, bloodied and all, and he seems to be judging Jongwoon and condemning him. It is during this time when he wakes up in a cold sweat, and Donghae would sleepily ask him what’s wrong. Tonight isn’t any different.
Donghae sits at a table where Jungsoo and Hyukjae sit eating. He joins them and for a moment he is again confused who Jungsoo is and who Hyukjae is. It is when one of them finally smiles at him gummily that he recognizes who’s who.
“Hi, Hyukjae,” he greets the man who smiled at him. Hyukjae greets him back. “Hi Jungsu-hyung,” he motions toward the other. Jungsu smiles at him.
“Took you a moment to recognize us,” Jungsu says.
“I’m sorry about that,” Donghae says. “I’ve only learned which of the traits to look at to recognize you two.”
“That’s okay,” Hyukjae answers. “It’d probably take you time, but you’ll recognize us in a snap next time.”
“I hope so,” Donghae answers.
Jungsu holds his free hand. “Believe me, you’ll get over this,” he says. “Jongwoon would help you out.”
Donghae nods dumbly. He’s itching to ask who Jongwoon is, but even that sounds stupid to his ears. He know who he is, he’s the one Donghae loves so much. But why, why can’t he put a face to that name? He is briefly reminded of the man who fetches him from work. Maybe that man is Jongwoon, he thinks, but he can’t be too sure; after all, he’s forgotten how Jongwoon looks like and how that man looks like too.
Jongwoon gets off at work earlier today, deciding that maybe he should drop by Donghae’s doctor’s first and update him. He enters the clinic where Dr. Ahn is. He nods to the attendant and asks if the doctor was busy. With the attendant’s reply of no, he proceeds to the door behind her.
“Ah, Jongwoon-ssi,” the doctor greets him. “I see that Donghae’s not here, what can I help you with?” he says as he motions for him to sit.
Jongwoon sits in front of him and looks at him. “Can you tell me again what Donghae has? This time more clearly, please?”
“What Donghae has is associative prosopagnosia. It’s when a person can’t identify a face. He can see the facial features and they’re clear to him, but he can never put a name to that face,” the doctor starts.
“But it isn’t something like amnesia, right?” Jongwoon asks, feeling a sense of déjà vu. Hasn’t he asked this before?
“No, they’re completely different,” the doctor answers. “Amnesia is forgetting, what Donghae has is recognition impairment. Losing your ability to store memories is not the same as losing your ability to recognize things.”
“But he remembers me right?” Jongwoon asks.
“Oh yes, he should remember you clearly, he knows all the things you’ve done in the past. He knows your name and he’s never forgotten you. But he doesn’t recognize who you are. See, people with amnesia would forget you and wouldn’t have memories of the things you’ve done together. In a way you’ve disappeared from their mind completely. But people like Donghae, they can remember you perfectly well, they just don’t know you. Do you understand me?”
“But isn’t forgetting and not knowing the same thing?” Jongwoon asks, he couldn’t understand how this should make him feel better.
“Look at it this way,” the doctor says. “In a test, there are two ways to miss an answer. One is when you’ve forgotten the correct answer, the second is when you really don’t know anything at all.”
“Which one is better?” Jongwoon dreads the answer and wishes that he didn’t ask.
“Neither,” the doctor shrugs. “You’ve missed the answer, you got it wrong. And in a test, only the answer matters. Why are you asking anyway? Did something happen?”
Jongwoon shakes his head. “Nothing much, but he’s able to recognize 2 of his co-workers now. Not instantaneously though, it takes time. But I’ve wondered why he can never recognize me.”
“Maybe he does,” the doctor answers. “He just doesn’t choose to let you know.”
Donghae thinks it’s time that to finally find out the name of the guy who’s been fetching him and who’s sleeping with him. It’s been months since the accident and it’s also been months since he’s been living with that guy, but until now, he has no name for him. He never really understood what disease he has. He’s not sure if it’s amnesia or something else, but it must be a mix of both; because he remembers things that happen, voices and conversations but he can never match faces to these voices and actions.
With that guy, he has a feeling that that guy is Jongwoon. When the name Jongwoon
pops into his mind, he gets flashes of skin against skin; heavy breathing and fevered touches. When he looks at that guy, he flushes because he’s thinking of inappropriate things. The way he feels for that guy whenever he is near is the same way he feels for the name Jongwoon. So maybe, he hasn’t fully recognized him yet, but his memory does. And he wants his memory and his feelings to match so badly, but he’s always been afraid to call him Jongwoon, because what if he was wrong? Would the guy be willing to help him through?
He climbs into the car without a word. Jungsoo and Hyukjae left earlier. The man gets in from the driver’s side and Donghae is staring again at him intently. Storing into memory the way the man’s hair falls neatly into his eyes. Storing into memory the way he bites his lips as he starts the engine.
“Jongwoon,” Donghae’s voice leaves his mouth before he knew it. He stills for a moment, hoping against hope that he got the right name and the right person.
Jongwoon suddenly looks at him, unsure if he’s heard him right. “What did you say?”
“Jongwoon,” Donghae repeats. “You’re Jongwoon right?”
“What made you think of that?” Jongwoon replies, not letting himself bask in happiness. He isn’t so sure if Donghae recognizes him anyway.
“It’s the way you speak, and the way you act around me,” Donghae says. “I don’t remember how Jongwoon looks , how you look. But, something tells me you are the Jongwoon I love.”
“What if I wasn’t?”
“I can’t be wrong about my feelings,” Donghae says with conviction but his hands tighten on the seatbelt. He can feel his hands sweating and his feet getting cold. What if this was not Jongwoon?
Jongwoon places his right hand over Donghe’s which was gripping the seatbelt tightly. He massages it and gently forces it open to weave his fingers in between his. Donghae’s hand tightens around his hand and he gives it a reassuring squeeze. In the back of Donghae’s mind, from a cabinet labelled Jongwoon, a memory flies out from it and plays itself in Donghae’s eyes. It was a memory of Jongwoon asking him to live with him, and in it Jongwoon was playing with Donghae’s hands, tracing lines on his palms and squeezing his fingers.
“You know, I’ll always love you right, Hae?” he asks him.
“I’ll always love you too, Jongwoon,” he replies as he squeezes his hand to convince him further. He looks at Jongwoon who was looking at him intently. He focuses on Jongwoon’s smile, how his small but plump lips stretch when he shows only his upper teeth. He focuses on the way his jawline seems to disappear with his smile and wonders how many times he’s missed kissing his lips. He doesn’t take his eyes off his lips even if Jongwoon looks away from him, smiling. Tonight he’ll memorize those lips, tomorrow his eyes, the day after tomorrow, his nose. But for now, he’ll just stare at him, lest he forget how the love of his life looks like when he blinks. Day by day, part by part.
At dinner, when Jongwoon was sucking on his chopstick and making ungodly slurping sounds, Donghae puts down his chopsticks and looks at him pointedly. Jongwoon looks at him confused to as why he stopped eating. He raises an eyebrow at him and Donghae sighs.
“I want to kiss you.,” Donghae says without blinking an eye.
Jongwoon swallows and gulps. “What?”
Donghae motions for him to come forward and so he does. When he was close enough, Donghae pulls him by his neck and smashes their lips together. He kisses him closed mouth, wanting to feel his lips against his own and filing them under Jongwoon in his memories. He opens his mouth and licks Jongwoon’s lips tracing it as if it’s some artwork that needs replicating. He nips on Jongwoon’s lips, feeling every crack of dried skin and relishing the plumpness. When Jongwoon opens his mouth, he lets his tongue slither in and
identify Jongwoon from his insides out. Jongwoon who has been lax back then, finally responds as eagerly as him and then the kiss ceases to be explorative and educational. It’s passionate and wanting now. It was to make up for all the times they’ve missed.
They break part because breathing is necessary, and what Donghae did left Jongwoon breathless.
“Wow,” Jongwoon breathes out.
“Yeah, wow.”
“I’ve missed that,” Jongwoon says, a bit nostalgic as a hand is brought up to his now-bruised lips.
“Me too,” Donghae says. “Let’s do that again,” he says as a joke. But Jongwoon takes him seriously and he’s not surprised to find himself pinned against the wall of the kitchen, Jongwoon kissing him senseless. He thinks it’s the best way to recognize Jongwoon.He then breaks off the kiss and Jongwoon moves on to nip on his jaw lightly, sucking and biting gently and he can’t help but moan in pleasure. He lets his memories do the work for him as flashes of Jongwoon naked next to him whispering “I love you”’s play across his mind with Jongwoon’s hands wandering beneath his shirt.
“I’ve missed you so much, Donghae,” he says as his hands move lower. Donghae could only groan in response. Jongwoon’s hands were near and yet so far from Donghae’s favourite spot, he had a half a mind not to buck into his hands, not wanting to appear so eager and desperate.
“Shh, Jongwoon,” he says as he plants a finger on Jongwoon’s lips and then grinds himself into Jongwoon’s palm. “Let’s just do this, okay?”
Jongwoon mumbles a yes in response before claiming his lips again. Donghae didn’t know when it happened but all he knew next was he was being carried up to their room, dinner forgotten on the table.
Jongwoon lies spent on his bed, awake and staring at the ceiling while his arm curls around the equally naked Donghae next to him. He smiles and thanks the heavens that Donghae could finally recognize him. It took him almost 4 months to get Donghae to even speak to him and now that he knows him, he’s sure that things are looking up for the better. He lets his eyes close and for a moment, he’s genuinely happy that Donghae’s back and safe with him.
Donghae lies spent, facing Jongwoon who now had his eyes closed. A moment ago he was staring at the ceiling, he must be sleeping now, he thought. He must have tired him out, he thinks with a smile as he snuggles closer to him. he doesn’t remove his eyes away from him though, because he’s scared that if he’ll close them, he’ll only remember his voice, and his touches but never his face.
“Jongwoon,” he whispers and Jongoon cracks an eye open. “Look at me.”
“Donghae? Why aren’t you asleep yet?”Jongwoon asks as he turns to face him and closes his eyes again. He sounds tired to Donghae and Donghae mentally kicks himself for asking him to look at him.
“I’m not tired,” Donghae lies. He is, he is so tired, physically and of course mentally too. All this visualizing had him wishing he didn’t have this disorder in the first place.
“You’ll be up early tomorrow,” Jongwoon mutters to him as he buries his face into the crook of Donghae’s shoulders. “You should get some rest.”
“I’ll go to sleep later, I promise,” Donghae reassures him and Jongwoon smiles at him and mouths an okay.
When Donghae is sure that Jongwoon is asleep, he kisses Jongwoon’s eyes and nose and lips and proceeds to take mental photographs of him. Tomorrow, when he wakes up, he’ll probably look for a name to match this face again, like he does every day, so he doesn’t want to go to sleep. Not when he can finally recognize him now.
It takes Donghae 20 minutes to tell Jungsoo and Hyukjae apart now. He is disappointed, yesterday, he was able to tell them apart almost instantly. What is different now, he wonders? He looks at the guy with the dimples and wonders if that is Jungsu or Hyukjae, he shrugs because he knows he’ll never be able to tell unless one of them speaks. But they seem to be content not speaking. Donghae shrugs it away and only hopes that it’s just some temporary glitch in his brain. Maybe it’s time to visit his doctor again.
Donghae tells his boss that he needs to be let off early today because there is something wrong. He remembers his boss to be very strict and most of the time , not very understanding, but it surprises him when he is permitted to get off work earlier. He looks at his boss’ smiling face and wonders what is that he sees in his boss’ eyes. Is that some kind of pity, he sees? He shrugs and brushes it off, choosing not to dwell on it. He doesn’t say goodbye to Jungsoo and Hyukjae because he couldn’t see them anywhere, but he does remember two people stopping him and asking him where he’s going to which he does not respond.
“Donghae-ssi?” the girl calls out to him just as he was about to finish the article he was reading. He looks up at her, a bit annoyed that he called her. “Dr. Ahn’s ready to see you now.” He smiles his thanks to her and proceeds to the door behind her.
“Ahh, Mr. Lee, Mr. Kim your boyfriend was just here a few days ago,” the man tells him. If it weren’t for the Dr. Ahn on his coat, Donghae would’ve assumed that the clinic was now hiring idols for their doctors. He doesn’t recall Dr. Ahn being this young, he’d always thought Dr. Ahn would be bald and greying, not spiky haired in his late 30s. The doctor motions for him to sit down and he does so. “Here for a check-up, I presume?” he says and Donghae nods. “Okay then, come here,” he motions for him to come closer and soon Donghae is faced with a book.
Dr. Ahn shows him pictures and asks him to label them correctly. For the first few pages, he felt confident because he can recognize the things that Dr. Ahn was showing. Some dog, some toys, some place. And then he’s showed cartoon characters. There was a yellow, plump, bird on the page and he honestly remembers this bird but he can’t. He doesn’t know what it is. The next page shows him a picture of a man with a blue suit on and red cape, he doesn’t need to look at its face to know its superman. Then there are 2 pages of 1 person in the same color scheme of green and black. One had a shining gem on his hand and the other had a green coat on. Either way, they were one and the same person to him. after a few pages on super heroes, there was section on idol groups. He didn’t know if his answere were correct but he was pretty sure that he got the 9 girls as SNSD correct, unless of course there was another group which was made of 9 girls in the book, then maybe he had to worry. But there was none, so he was fine.
After he finished going though the book, Dr. Ahn takes it from him and tells him to wait as he processes the results. After a few minutes or so, Dr. Ahn is back with the book and with some freshly-printed results.
“So, how did I do?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor looks at him sadly and Donghae holds his breath and silently prays that the doctor has some weird sense of humor.
“Tell me, Donghae,” the doctor starts. “Have you been having any headaches recently?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, sir. I haven’t been feeling unwell. Does this have anything to do with the test results?”
He shows him the paper and he makes a quick scan of the words and the numbers but he can’t make any sense of it.
“The first part, the one with visual recognition, you’ve passed it,” the doctor says while Donghae looks for the category. It says 100% beside it, he can’t help but feel proud of himself. “But you’ve always been good at visual recognition and you’re consistent on that too so we don’t have a problem with that. The second part however, is the facial recognition part.”
“I got a 52.3%.What about it sir?” Donghae asks. He honestly can’t remember all his scores but he’s quite sure that it’s above the passing mark.
“It’s way lower than your previous results, Donghae,” the doctor says, and Donghae can feel his heart plummet. “Last time you got a 70% on facial recognition and that just puts you under the associative prosapagnosia where you can somehow recognize people by the things they wear. But this time, you’re at 52.3%. That’s almost 20% lower than your normal recognition rate. Is there something troubling you? You usually can recognize people by looking at the hair, or their mouths, but now you’ve completely messed them up.”
Donghae doesn’t answer, feeling rather beat up and like a child being scolded.
“I know that all cases are unique, but Donghae, this is the first time I’ve seen someone get better and then get worse,” the doctor says, Donghae looks at him and he looks genuinely concerned. “Did something major happen?” he asks again and again, Donghae shakes his head none.
“Nothing sir,” he says. “I’ve been feeling fine , and to be honest I couldn’t feel any better. Last night, I was able to recognize Jongwoon,” he says with a smile. “And honestly, it was overwhelming and scary, but I was able to do it.”
“Do you remember how he looks?” the doctor asks him.
Donghae nods. “Of course,he looks amazing. He has short hair and bangs falling into his eyes. He looks kind, and he’s very friendly, and...,” then he trails off.
“Donghae?” the doctor asks.
Donghae looks at him fearfully. One moment he’s describing how Jongwoon looks like and next moment, he can’t.
“Donghae? Donghae-ssi are you alright?” the doctor asks again.
Donghae looks away from him, and then his eyes dart on the pictures on the wall. He can’t tell any of them apart. He can’t even tell if his doctor was in any of the pictures. He can’t breathe, he feels suffocated. He feels as if he’s cheated and he’s all choked up because it’s unfair. He doesn’t even realize that tears are welling up in his eyes until the doctor hands him tissues.
“Are you even in any of those photos?” he asks the doctor instead.
Dr. Ahn doesn’t answer, seeing Donghae like this makes him guilty of what he just told him earlier. The moment Donghae stopped describing Jongwoon was the moment he realized that maybe, instead of having progressed, Donghae has regressed.
“I ,” Donghae starts, his voice sounds foreign to his ears, he sounds as if he’s choking.
“Maybe I’m just stressed,” he says as he looks pleadingly at the doctor, as if asking him to believe him. “There’s a lot that’s expected from me in the office right now, and maybe it’s all going in my head.”
The doctor only nods in response. “Yes, stress could bring that about,” he tells Donghae, but deep inside he knows that there’s a lot more to that than stress. He grasps Donghae’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “Would you like to have some scans or tests done?” he asks him. “Just so we can rule out the things that should be ruled out?”
Donghae looks at him for a moment and then sighs. “Maybe, not today, or anywhere in the near future,” he decides. “In two weeks or so? Just before this month ends, maybe? It’s inventory month this month, so maybe my brain’s just getting rewired with all the accounting I have to do.”
“Okay, I’ll schedule it three weeks from now then,” the doctor says. “It’ll be in the general hospital okay? Not here because we don’t have the equipment here, is that okay with you?”
Donghae nods dumbly.
“I’ll go inform Jongwoon then?”
Donghae looks up. “No! No, don’t tell him, Doc.”
“But Jongwoon needs to be there, we’re gonna have major tests done on you.”
“No, please just don’t tell Jongwoon. Not yet okay?” he makes the doctor promise, when the doctor resignedly agrees he continues. “I’ll tell him, anyways. He just doesn’t need it to come from you, no offence.”
The doctor could only nod in response. He wanted to tell Jongwoon of this recent development. It would greatly help Donghae if he did, but telling him would be a breach in confidentiality. He watches him leave his office and can’t help but feel sorry for the two of them. Jongwoon clearly wanted to help Donghae, but Donghae’s trying to be independent at an inconvenient time. He shakes his head, he doesn’t know who to feel more sorry for.
Jongwoon, don’t pick me up anymore, I’m home now.
That was the text Jongwoon received from Donghae, and to be honest, he doesn’t know whether he should feel relieved that Donghae’s home now or worried that he’s home before hi. He left the office just in time, so he was pretty sure that he wasn’t late. It could be that Donghae was let off earlier than usual, but then why wouldn’t he have texted him? Could there be something wrong?
A beep from his phone and he takes the shoulder in order to stop for a moment just so he can read the message.
Bring home dinner, I don’t want to cook, and I don’t want YOU to cook too, so :D
He smiles, trust Donghae to shirk out of his cooking responsibilities. He starts the car again and heads for a u-turn. He saw a Chinese restaurant on the way and he knows how much Donghae loves Chinese.
The first thing that comes to mind during dinner later that day was the word quiet. Jongwoon looks at donghae and wonders why he’s quiet. Usually at this time, he’d have asked jongwoon how his day went , or if not he’d have told him what he did or what he found out. Tonight is an exception though, because it seems as ifsomeone took the ability to speak from Donghae away.
“Okay, Donghae spit it out,” Jongwoon says, and donghae looks up at him guiltiy as if he was a child caught in the middle of doing something he shouldn’t. He tries to read Jongwoon’s face, but ends up with nothing; so he tries to school his face into a look of innocence instead.
“Spit what out? The dumpling?” he tenses as he attempts at a joke.
Jongwoon smiles but he knows what Donghae’s doing, so he curbs the smile and only his left upper lip curls upward. “You’ve been quiet,” he says. “You’re usually not like that. Are you okay?”
Donghae lets his shoulders sag. He thought Jongwoon knew about his visit to the doctor. “No, I’m fine,” he says. “It’s just work , I guess.”
Jongwoon nods and then takes his hand from across the table. “Don’t tire yourself out too much, love,” he says as he kisses his hand tenderly. Donghae’s cheeks flush in embarrassment.
“I never do,” he tells him reassuringly.
“I know,” he smiles at Donghae.”It’s just that, I can’t help but worry about you, okay?”
“I know that too,” Donghae says and now he’s the one to squeeze Jongwoon’s hand. “Don’t worry about me too much, you’ll get gray hair with that and I know how much you hate gray hair.”
Jongwoon laughs but never lets go of his hand.
“I’m gonna be fine in no time, Jongwoon.”
Donghae feels more nervous than before as the three weeks come to an end. He doesn’t look forward to the tests he’ll be taking. He still hasn’t told Jongwoon about it, and by the looks of things the doctor hasn’t told Jongwoon anything either. He pulls out a notebook from the third drawer of his table and checks if anyone’s around. He already finish the inventory for the last quarter of last year and right now he had nothing to do. He could go home but he doesn’t want to. The last time he went home early, Jongwoon caught him staring at pictures of them. He remembered crying when looking at them because he just couldn’t identify the people in it, and he thinks it’s so stupid that he can’t even tell people apart. It was a good thing that Jongwoon didn’t catch him crying though, because if he did, then it would only meant questions to which Donghae had no answers.
He flips the notebook open to a blank page and starts writing.
Today the boss called me in for a meeting. Something about disrespecting the executives? They said that I was supposed to greet the executive from Incheon downstairs and brief him about our inventory, but how was I supposed to know who’s who?
His grip on the pen tightens and he writes harder, the words making an impression on the next few pages.
Why did they even send me? Did they forget? I don’t even know. Jungsoo hyung could have told them, but I don’t even know where he is.
I’m scared. I’m scared that maybe Dr. Ahn is right.
He crosses the last sentence out and curses. He shouldn’t think this way and he’s only psyching himself out, he berates himself. So instead he doodles, and draws Jongwoon’s face from memory.
He looks at the drawing and thinks it looks horrible and looks nothing like him. it only meant two things, either he seriously sucks at drawing, or he just doesn’t know how to draw Jongwoon.
Dinnertime and Jongwoon still has no idea about Donghae’s tests tomorrow. For Donghae that was good news, but for Jongwoon who doesn’t know, it probably is good news too. That is until Jongwoon tells him that he’s taken the day off tomorrow.
“What? Why are you taking a day off?” Donghae asks him. He watches Jongwoon scrunch up his eyebrows, but he doesn’t think any of it.
“Why not? They’ve been tiring me out at the office now, don’t I deserve a break?” Jongwoon asks him, pouting at him.
Donghae shrugs, not saying anything.
“Hey, why aren’t you saying anything?” Jongwoon asks him.
“Should I have said something?” Donghae counters.
“How about a would you like me to take my leave tomorrow too?” Jongwoon asks.
Donghae laughs, not taking Jongwoon seriously. “You know I can’t do that,” he says, unaware of what Jongwoon’s trying to convey.
“Why not?” Jongwoon asks petulantly.
“Because tomorrow is gonna be busy for me,” Donghae reasons. “So I can’t just leave the office.”
Jongwoon only looks at him suspiciously. Donghae shrugs at him, just so he can appear as if he’s not hiding something big like getting his head cut open tomorrow. In the end, Jongwoon drops the topic and just tells Donghae to rest and that he’ll do the dishes again.
Donghae wakes up way before Jongwoon does. He looks at him, sleeping wonderfully and like a kid who had no care in the world. It was moments like this where he wishes he bought cameras just to capture his face. If he had one of those professional camera and also one of those Polaroid camera, he honestly thinks he could become just a bit better at remembering Jongwoon’s face. He’d label pictures of Jongwoon , with the date and some phrase of what he was doing during that moment so he’d have physical memories to back up the memories in his mind.
He gently places a kiss on Jongwoon’s lips and whispers and I love you before climbing out of bed. Going to the bathroom and taking his phone with him, he makes a call to his doctor.
“Dr. Ahn?” he whispers into his phone as soon as the doctor picks up. “Do you think I can get tested now? So I can go home after the procedure? Like right after?”
“I’ve been through it too many times, now,” he whispers. “I’d be fine, Doc. You’ll just have to strap me to bed for the rest of the afternoon, and maybe until 7pm and there’d be no worries? Please Doc, do it for me and Jongwoon?”
Dr. Ahn didn’t necessarily agree or disagree with what Donghae asked of him, but Donghae took his “I see what I can do” as a yes. If it was a no, then he’d worry about that later, but for now, all he need to do is leave early and pray to the heavens (like what he’s been doing for the past three weeks and for the past 4 months now) that nothing would show up in his results.
“We’re not doing a biopsy anymore, it’s too risky, especially since you’re the only one here, and you should’ve informed at least Jongwoon or your parents about today,” Dr. Ahn tells him as soon as he’s changed into the hospital robes.
“Why not? You don’t need their consent right? Just me?” Donghae asks him.
“Yes I don’t but I’m your doctor, and to be honest, this is me breaching medical procedures but I don’t think I’d endanger you by cutting your brain up,” he says. “We’ll just go with MRI and the standard tests, and then if we see something up then we’ll do a biopsy and that’s just the worst case scenario.”
Dongha eonly nods at him. He doesn’t understand what his doctor’s saying, all he wants to know if it’s gonna take him a long time. “Will I be able to go home in time for dinner?”
“Yes, after lunch would probably be the earliest,” Dr.Ahn answers. “But we’re gonna have to discuss the results first and are you sure you don’t need Jongwoon with you?”
“It’s just MRI doc,” Donghae says confidently. “If I didn’t want him here with my biopsy, why do you think I’d want him here with only an MRI to worry about?”
Jongwoon wakes up early and yet he doesn’t get to catch Donghae in bed with him, and his side of the bed is already cold. He stretches his arms and scratches his side while he looks a his alarm clock. It’s already 9 am. He wonders why Donghae left early, wasn’t he due for office at 10? He shrugs it away though, thinking that it must be a really busy day for him that’s why he got up early.
After brushing his teeth and taking a bath, he decides that he could drop by Hae’s office during lunch time and surprise him. He knows how Donghae loves surprises and food, so a surprise lunch picnic in the park near Donghae’s building would be quite a treat for him.
After getting dressed and having his light breakfast, he decides to go out and go to the grocery. Pasta, white sauce, bacon, kimchi pancakes, ddeokboki, he mentally lists off the things he would buy for him. Donghae would love him for it.
Donghae tries to keep still while he’s slowly being fed to this machine. Fed because he actually hates this machine and when he saw it on tv for the first time, he thought the machine was eating the person in it. No matter how ridiculous it sounded, he still believed in it.
It took the doctor an hour and a half to get him to MRI because of some mix up in the reservations which was brought about by Dr. Ahn’s sudden decision to use the machine. That and the fact that they also needed to buy the dye from the pharmacy, so all in all, they were 1 hour and 30 minutes behind schedule. Donghae is nervous because he knows that the MRI can take at most 40 minutes to be conducted, and that might make him late.
“Donghae? Can you hear me?” the intercom crackles to life and Donghae recognizes it to be Dr. Ahn’s voice.
“Yes.”
“We’ll do an MRI first, then after that we’ll give you an hour before we do an MRN on you,” the doctor says. “Is that fine?”
“What’s an MRN?” he can’t help but ask.
“It’s just the same with MRI only with a different dye,” the doctor says.
“Okay.”
“It might take 1 and half hour though, the MRN I mean,” the doctor clarifies.
At this point , Donghae couldn’t care any less so he just nods, not really realizing that his doctor couldn’t see him. “What time is it doc?”
“I’ll assume that as a yes then,” the doctor answers. “And it’s 11:20, pretty early if you ask me.”
Jongwoon reaches Donghae’s office at around 12:00 pm. He climbs into the elevator and sees Jungsoo and Hyukjae. He smiles at them politely, not bothering to ask them if they’ve seen Donghae.
“Hi, Jongwoon, what are you doing here?” Jungsoo asks him.
He turns around and smiles at him. “I was just about to get Donghae, I’m gonna surprise him with lunch,” he says.
“Donghae?” Hyukjae pipes up from beside him. “But Donghae isn’t here,” he says.
“What do you mean he’s not here?” Jongwoon asks, confusion written all over his face.
“Didn’t he tell you?” Hyukjae continues and Jongwoon gives him a withering look that says of-course-he-didn’t-would-I-have-asked-i
“He’s in the hospital, he’s having his tests done,” Jungsoo answers, sensing Jongwoon’s distraught over Hyukjae’s answers. “He said it’s a monthly thing?”
“Tests?” Jongwoon echoes. Donghae was having tests and he didn’t know? He felt more worried than disappointed. Donghae was a generous and selfless person, he’d never want people to worry about him, so he could understand why Donghae didn’t tell him that he was up for a test, but what he’s doing right now is more worrisome. “Did he tell you where he’s getting tested?”
“The usual, I guess?” Hyukjae answers. “He did say it was a monthly thing. Did you forget?”
“I didn’t know,” he answers Hyukjae. Hyukjae was about to say something but Jungsoo elbows him and both of them wisely keeps quiet. “He didn’t tell me.”
Jongwoon looks up at the display above them and saw that it was on the 12th floor, he pushes the door button until the elevator stops at the next floor. Without saying goodbye to the two, he leaves and switches elevator.
Jongwoon reaches the hospital where he brings Donghae for his monthly check ups by 12:45 pm. Reaching the emergency desk, he asks the nurse if there was any patient named Lee Donghae. He’s called Dr. Ahn before but all he gets is a busy line. He called Dr. Ahn’s secretary but the only thing she could tell him was that Dr. Ahn was at the hospital having a biopsy. At the word biopsy, Jongwoon’s heart raced.
“Mister?” the nurse waves his hand in front of his face and he snaps out of his thoughts.
“Yes?” he asks back.
“There’s a Lee Donghae under Dr. Ahn in room 1403, and a Lee Donghae under-,”
“Thank you, that’s all I need,” he says and Jongwoon runs to the elevator.
Donghae fell asleep in the middle of the MRI scan. He has gotten used to the noisy thrums that the machine makes, instead of scaring him like before, it now made him sleepy. He doesn’t realize that he’s being wheeled out of the MRI room and into a private room only after 30 minutes later when he feels a hand stroking his. He cracks an eye open and looks for the person who’s playing with his fingers when his eyes land on a guy that he feels is quite familiar to him, but he couldn’t tell who he is.
“Donghae?” the guy speaks up and Donghae is suddenly filled with warmth and elation when he recognizes it to be Jongwoon. “I was so worried about you,” he says as he moves to sit on Donghae’s bed, Donghae could only stare at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry,” Donghae answers sheepishly. “Besides, I didn’t have a biopsy this time, so I don’t think it’s anything serious,” he assures him. Jongwoon looks at him with a frown and Donghae has some bit of difficulty to tell if Jongwoon’s angry, or worried, or just disappointed.
“I’m not worried,” Jongwoon says, but in truth he’s more worried than ever. Donghae’s previous checkups never needed biopsy or MRI. He wonders what Dr. Ahn saw in him that made him require these tests.
“Then smile,” Donghae tells him.
Jongwoon smiles weakly at him. “Are the tests done?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, Dr. Ahn says I’ve got to take another MRI thingy.”
Jongwoon nods his head. “Okay, I’ll be there for you. Have you eaten lunch? I made you lunch.”
“No, I haven’t, let’s just eat together after the second test, okay?”
They eat at around 2:30 pm, right after Jongwoon has wheeled Donghae into the room they were in before. In that 1 ½ hour, Jongwoon gave Donghae his mp3 player so that Donghae can have something to listen to. He originally gave them to him so that he could talk to Dr. Ahn , but Donghae made him promise that they’ll look at the results together and so he did that. He busied himself with preparing their lunch on Donghae’s bed and the nurse would probably get mad at them but Jongwoon didn’t care. They were going to pay anyways, so he thought he might as well dirty the sheets in the process.
“Wow,” Donghae breathes out as soon as his eyes land on the food laid on the bed. He laughs. “The nurse are gonna kill you for this,” he jokes as he wheels himself towards the food and takes a strand of pasta.
“No they’re not,” Jongwoon says as he joins Donghae on eating the pasta. He hands him chopsticks but Donghae prefers to eat it with his hands.
“Why’d you need to get 2 MRI’s though?” Jongwoon asks.
Donghae shrugs. “They’re not 2 MRI’s though. The second one was MRN, I think?”
“Oh, okay,” Jongwoon says. “Medical jargon,” he smiles at Donghae, Donghae only keeps eating.
“We’ll know the results in an hour or so, anyway,” Donghae says, wanting to drop the topic. Jongwoon realizes that this might be uncomfortable for Donghae so he just drops the topic.
Forty minutes later, they’re about to dig into the cheesecake Yesung bought from the bakeshop when Dr. Ahn enters the room.
“Donghae-ssi, Jongwoon-ssi,” he greets them. Donghae nods and Jongwoon smiles at him. “I see you’ve eaten lunch,” he says as he notices the paper plates on the bed.
“Yeah,” Jongwoon answers for them. “I originally intended to surprise Hae with lunch, but I ended up as the one being surprised.”
“I would’ve told you about this if only Donghae here didn’t warn me he’d kill me if I did,” the doctor jokes.
Donghae laughs. “Even if I did threaten you, I might not end up getting you,” he jokes.
Jongwoon laughs nervously while the doctor only clears his throat. “Yes, that might happen,” he says. “Anyways, fresh results!”
Jongwoon and Donghae stiffen and Jondwoon unconsciously reaches out for Donghae’s hand. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Dr. Ahn , though.
Dr. Ahn clears his throat. “Anyways, whatever I’m going to say next, I hope both of you would take this as two , mature adults, okay?”
“It’s not gonna be bad news, is it?” Donghae asks and his hand tightens around Jongwoon’s. The doctor looks at anywhere but them and Jongwoon can feel his heart trying to get out of his ribcage.
“Donghae,” the doctor starts and Donghae listens attentively. “Did you happen to fall from somewhere high? Or maybe you got hit, somewhere?”
Donghae gulps. He wonders what his MRI showed that made Dr. Ahn ask this question. He sudden;y remembers the time that he fell off the stairs while at work. He thankfully had no twisted ankles and stuff like that, but he did hit his head pretty hard. He had it checked by the office’s nurse and she said that there was nothing wrong, no lumps, no concussions, and he didn’t feel any pain. He didn’t even have a headache and it was 4 weeks ago. “Yes,” he answers nervously, seeing that there was no reason to lie.
Dr. Ahn sighs, why did he have to get such a hard-headed patient was what was running in his mind. Jongwoon tries his best not to show that he is upset and shocked at the same time.
“When did that happen and what happened?” Dr. Ahn asks.
“I, I was running some errands and I was holding a box and the elevators were full and I didn’t think it could hurt to use the stairs. And so I did. I must have not seen where I was going because the next thing I know, I was down on the floor.”
Dr. Ahn sighed again and discreetly hit his forehead with his palm. “Donghae, Donghae,” was all he could say. He was about to tell Donghae off when Jongwoon got to it first.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell Dr. Ahn? You were only what? Five months healed and you get into an accident like that? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Jongwoon couldn’t stop himself. He felt hurt and scared for Donghae. In his mind, if donghae didn’t tell him things like these, then what else could he have hidden?
“I just didn’t want to make you worried,” Donghae answers in a small voice. On any other day, Jongwoon would have accepted this reason and would’ve let it go, but this was not just another day. It was a day where he, Donghae, was almost gonna get cut up just to be examined.
“You didn’t want to make me worried?” Jongwoon asked furiously, voice rising a little. Donghae wouldn’t have known that he was angry just by face alone, but the rage in Jongwoon’s voice that he rarely gets to hear gave him the chills. “Didn’t you know that i’ll never be worried? Every single second I worry about you Donghae, and you tell me that you didn’t want to get me worried? It’s a bit too late for that,” he spat at him.
Donghae pouts, upset at having angered Jongwoon. “I didn’t think,” he trails off.
“That’s right, Donghae, you didn’t think again,” Jongwoon can’t help himself from saying.
Donghae doesn’t answer and just takes his fuming in. The doctor could only look at the livid Jongwoon and at the quiet Donghae. In all honesty, he didn’t know who felt more sad for, Donghae or Jongwoon.
“I understand where you’re coming from, Jongwoon,” Dr. Ahn says. “But please, calm yourself down.” He looks at Donghae next. “Donghae, you should have told me.”
Donghae could only look down at the sheets sheepishly. He’s even ashamed to face his doctor now, it felt like it was his own fault.
“There’s something on your MRI scan and you MRN scan,” the doctor started and he brought out the scan results. “This is the first one,” he shows one page to them, but only Jongwoon is looking. “There’s a swelling on the base of your skull, Donghae. And that’s where the occipital lobe is, it’s the one in charge for processing images.”
Jongwoon nods, following what Dr. Ahn says while Donghae keeps to himself. Dr. Ahn continues. “The swelling here is ¾ of the swelling you had when the accident first happened. So, in short, you’re losing the ability to process images and it’s taking you a longer time than usual to recognize faces.”
“But it’s not even hurting,” Donghae says.
“And that’s the bad thing,” the doctor continues. “You can’t feel it hurting because here,” he holds up the second page. “Here in the MRN, the nerve endings seem to be fried in that area. Thus it makes you numb. Touch your nape and see if you can feel anything.”
Donghae brings up a hand to the base of his skull and touches it. He can feel something like a ghosting of fingers but never full fingers touching him there, and he’s scare because he’s pressing so hard now.
“See,” the doctor says, sensing Donghae’s distraught and taking it as a sign for insensitivity at that area. Donghae doesn’t say anything, and Jongwoon who had been then sitting away from Donghae moves closer to him and places an arm around him.
“What’s gonna happen now?”Jongwoon asks the unasked question.
“For now, we’re gonna try medicine and see if it can reduce the swelling like it did for the bump he obtained during the accident,” he says as he begins to list the names of the medicines that Donghae has to take.
“I see,” Jongwoon takes note of them mentally as he rubs Donghae’s side , by this time Donghae has tuned them out and could only think of one thing, will he still get better?
When Dr. Ahn makes a motion for him to leave, Donghae calls out to him. “Dr. Ahn, will I be able to recognize people again?”
Dr. Ahn stops in his steps and turns around. “As of now,” he starts, but seeing Donghae’s forlorn expression makes him want to shut up. “As of now, I don’t know. We’ll have to see,” and then he leaves them both.
Jongwoon is the one to check them out of the hospital. He leaves Donghae alone in the room. He feels guilty about it, but when does he not guilty for anything he has done to Donghae? Wasn’t he the reason why Donghae was like this? Why wasn’t he the one who ended up suffering anyway?
It was now 7 pm, and they’re back at their house. Donghae doesn’t speak to him and Jongwoon has yet to find the courage to apologize. He would’ve apologized earlier if Donghae wasn’t asleep in the car.
Donghae skips dinner as he goes straight to their room, Jongwoon had half a mind to call him for dinner, but he realizes that maybe Donghae needed to think things through. He ends up eating a cup of ramen and he smiles at the silly realization that his dinner pales so much in comparison to their lunch.
When Jongwoon joins Donghae in bed after 30 minutes, he is surprised to see him awake. Donghae turns around , away from his bedside table and towards Jongwoon as soon as Jongwoon climbs in.
“You aren’t asleep yet?” he lets him snuggle into him and bury his head into the crook of his neck.
“No,” Donghae shakes his head as he whispers his answer straight to Jongwoon’s heart. “I didn’t want to go to sleep yet.”
Jongwoon smiles before giving him a peck on his forehead. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he says. “I’m sorry I blew up on you earlier, and I’m sorry I made you this way.”
Donghae looks up at him. “You were being a jerk,” he says. “But don’t be sorry for my condition. None of us prayed for it to happen,” he says and then he goes back to snuggling Jongwoon.
“I just, you know I have these dreams of that night,” Jongwoon says.
“I know, that’s why I wake up before you during that time,” Donghae starts. “Don’t you notice me always awake when you’re having a nightmare?”
Jongwoon nods, not really remembering things like that until he realized that Donghae was right. No matter how early it was in the morning or how late it was in the evening, Donghae was awake when he gets awakened by his nightmare. He thought it was because he was thrashing in sleep, or maybe calling out his name that wakes Donghae up.
Donghae seems to have read his thought because he quickly adds, “You weren’t thrashing, or calling my name, even. I was just awake,” he says with a shrug.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t wanna go to sleep unless I’m sure you’ve had that nightmare.”
Jongwoon is tempted to ask why again, but he shuts his mouth, and instead brings Donghae closer to him. “Donghae, I love you,” he says instead. Donghae only hums in response, but Jongwoon knows that he’s returning his affection.
“I’ve always wondered,” Jongwoon starts. “When did you recognize me? Was it on the day that you started recognizing Hyukjae and Jungsoo?”
Donghae shakes his head. “No, way before that.”
“Then when, and why didn’t you tell me?”
“I recognize you even after the accident. It was odd, you know, because your face, I can’t remember it, but I can remember the way you act, so I knew it was you, I just wasn’t sure.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh.”
And then silence. Jongwoon only stares at the ceiling while Donghae stares at him. Since it was too quiet and the only thing heard was their breathing , Jongwoon assumed that Donghae was already sleeping. When he turns to look at Donghae though, he blushes and turns away quickly. Donghae holds his face and turns it back to him.
“Look at me,” Donghae says, holding his face in place. “Your face is the last thing I want to see before I go to sleep and after I wake up.”
Jongwoon kisses him softly on the lips. “I’ll make sure of that,” he says.
“You do that,” Donghae says and lets his eyes close. “Goodnight, Jongwoon.”
“Goodnight, Donghae,” he replies as he kisses Donghae on the lips again and hugs him tighter. Donghae snuggles closer and closes his eyes tighter than before, hoping that the image he has of Jongwoon will stay imprinted in his mind long before sleeps claims him.
But it doesn’t. Because the moment Donghae closes his eyes, he can’t make sense of Jongwoon’s tall nose. He doesn’t know where to put his eyes, and doesn’t know if the lips he imagined for him are too large, too small or just perfect. He ends up opening his eyes instead and taking in Jongwoon’s sleeping face. He also ends up losing sleep because of this because he can’t bring his eyes to close on their own. But it doesn’t matter, he thinks. Sleep has never been a friend of him anyways.
“Jongwoon,” Donghae says as he lays sprawled on Jongwoon’s legs one afternoon. Jongwoon only hums in response. “I wanna be a professional photographer,” he continues.
Jongwoon chuckles and Donghae enjoys the way Jongwoon’s face form lines around his mouth. “Why? What are you gonna take pictures of?”
“You, of course!” Donghae answers immediately.
“But I’m not photogenic,” Jongwoon protests.
“Nonsense, you’re the reason why cameras are invented.”
Jongwoon only laughs at him.
In the span of 4 days, Donghae has taken 150 pictures of Jongwoon and 50 pictures of himself. All of them with labels, with dates and with times. He hangs the pictures of Jongwoon on the left side of the room while his go on the right side of the room. Jongwoon asks him why he does this, he only answers with an “I need some space, too.” Jongwoon thankfully dismisses it as one of his quirks but in truth, it’s because he won’t be able to identify himself and Jongwoon apart if he ever did.
He looks at his newly hung 200 pictures and sighs. There’s no difference. The only things that differ are the clothes and the actions but never the face.
“Oh well,” he tells himself. “It’s only 200 pictures, I’ll learn them eventually.”
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
You’re everything
Everything.
#