Musings of a chocoholic

I'm feeling really alone

phoenixnz — Sat, 27 Jul 2024 02:29:25 GMT

My worst fear around losing my mum was that my family would forget all about me. It kind of feels like it's come true.

My brother has never been the best at communication. It's something that always upset my mum, because she was the one who had to call him all the time. And then he would yell at her for calling at inconvenient times. Yet he would never call her. He'd say it's because he's busy all the time, but how hard is it to send a text?

He hasn't asked, even once, how I'm doing. Not even a damn text. He knows I live alone and don't have anyone I'm really close to here. I feel like I can't call him, because I never know when it's convenient for him, and I don't want to get yelled at. I've texted him and seen him maybe a couple of times in the weeks since, but it's always had to be me to take the initiative.

I haven't heard from my aunt (my mother's sister). The only person I've heard from is my cousin (second cousin), who was really close with my mum. She'll tag me on FB or she'll send me a message, so at least she gets it.

My brother has kids and a partner, so at least he has someone supporting him. I have nothing. I'm not faulting my stepdad. He's struggling to deal with things too, so he kind of understands.

I get that my family thinks I'm weird. I can't fix that. I've suspected for a very long time that I have ASD (high-functioning) and I've had at least a couple of people with some experience at this also tell me they think I have it. I don't think my family realises or understands.

So yeah, right now I'm feeling very alone. And invisible. At least where my family is concerned.

I'm tired of expecting even just a little from them, just a 'hey, hope you're doing ok', and getting nothing. It hurts too much. If it wasn't for my stepdad needing me, I'd wash my hands of the whole lot of them and go no contact.

The last couple of months ...

phoenixnz — Fri, 28 Jun 2024 21:01:20 GMT

... have been rough.

For those who don't know, my mum passed away on May 13. She was only 77. I miss her every day.

She'd been having trouble with her breathing for some time, and I think this time she just couldn't recover. She died at home. She'd managed to press the alarm to alert the ambulance service, but then she was gone. I got a call from them to say they couldn't raise her. I'm still salty about the fact they didn't send anyone until my brother got there, saw she was unresponsive, tried CPR and then called them. Would it have changed things? Probably not. I think she was gone within seconds after realising something wasn't right.

My stepdad is struggling on his own. He's not the type to say much, but I know he's missing her. They were married 19 years, together for 21.

It's not fair. I feel like an orphan now that both my parents are gone. I'd also just moved into a house three days before it happened.

I haven't been able to do any personal writing for the last couple of months. I feel like if I write anything emotional, it might be too hard. I'm still processing. I know my mum would have wanted me to finish the books I've been working on, but I don't feel ready for that yet.

We still have a lot of work to do at the house to clear it of all of Mum's craft stuff. Damn, she had a lot of stuff. I know the last couple of years, she felt a bit trapped in the house, so this gave her something to take her mind off of that, but trying to figure out what to do with all her card-making stuff - some of it was never even opened - is so hard. There's not a huge market for it here, that I can tell. I've got over 400 cards that she made that I have to sell, but between work (it isn't a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday kind of job) and going over every weekend to help sort, I don't have time to set up a stall at the local markets.

But yeah, that's the state of things at the moment. I'm coping okay, I guess. I have my rough moments and I'm sure that will happen for a while. You don't get over these things in an instant.

I think my mother won't be around much longer

phoenixnz — Sat, 09 Mar 2024 20:10:46 GMT

I know it's been a while since I posted. Life has been pretty hectic. It's also been a very tough year or so for all of us.

My mother got Covid last year. I think because of it she had a heart attack and then late last year, doctors thought she had fluid around her heart - which I read is another symptom brought on by Covid.

Yesterday I was at her house when she had an episode where she couldn't breathe. This has been happening a lot lately, but this is the worst one I've witnessed. And I'm scared. I hate seeing her in this state. She gets herself into a panic state as well, which doesn't help the situation. We ended up calling the ambulance and it turned out her oxygen levels and her blood pressure was really low. She's in hospital at least until Monday.

I was talking with her neighbour, who used to be a nurse and she says when she looks at Mum, she feels like Mum isn't going to be around much longer. I'm feeling the same way.

I don't want to lose my mum, but on the other hand, it would be almost a relief because there wouldn't be the constant visits to hospital etc. I know there's no cure for what's going on with her.

But I do think there is a big reason why this is happening to her. And it's not Covid. It's smoking. She smoked until well into her 40s. If there is one thing I hate, it's that.

Here's the thing: Mum had bronchitis when she was 18 months old that almost killed her. Both her parents smoked. I don't know if my great-grandparents also smoked, but she grew up around it. Many years later a doctor would tell Mum she didn't have bronchitis, she had asthma. But of course, they didn't know much about asthma in the late 1940s.

She started smoking in her teens. She was officially diagnosed with asthma in her early 50s and COPD as well.

Both my parents smoked. I never did. I hated it then, and I hate it even more now. I feel like it has robbed me of my mother. Cancer already robbed me of my father, but as some of my friends know, that had less of an impact on me. The thing is, I know I wouldn't be where I am today without my Mum, firstly to run interference with my dad when he was trying to control me, and then to keep going when I wanted to give up on myself.

Of course, I also had my friends here, and I'm so grateful to you all for that. But Mum's had to put up with a lot where I'm concerned and I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

WTH is wrong with our health system?

phoenixnz — Sun, 12 Jun 2022 06:35:16 GMT

Our health system is broken. It has to be. Because I am so beyond angry right now.

Mum was supposed to go for surgery tomorrow, but it's been cancelled because the doctor who was supposed to do it is sick. Why do they not have someone to take his/her place?

This is going beyond annoying now. She was supposed to have had the surgery three weeks ago, but they kept changing the time, so instead of in the morning it was going to be early afternoon. It gets to two o'clock, when she's had nothing to eat or drink and they tell her they can't do the surgery because another patient had complications. I mean, she's type two diabetic. What kind of hospital would make a diabetic starve for that long and then tell her, oh, sorry. Then she gets a new date, but it gets cancelled last minute.

This was for, I think, a knee replacement. She's in pain all the time, painkillers are useless, she can't sleep and to top it off, a couple of times, she's threatened suicide because she can't take it. She has moments where she can't even move her legs, let alone walk.

And good luck getting it done privately. They're apparently just as bad.

I get there are other factors, but she saw the specialist a year ago and was put on the waiting list. I also realise they've had Covid to deal with, but come on, this is orthopaedics, not virology!

I did a story a couple of weeks ago about our local health provider. They can't get the staff and people are waiting weeks to see a doctor. Forget it if you've just moved to town. They won't take on new patients. The nearest alternative is 50kms away.

I'm sick and tired of a system that just keeps letting us down!

Sorry for the angry rant. Just needed to vent.

Spammers

phoenixnz — Sun, 17 Apr 2022 20:47:25 GMT

I seem to be getting more and more spam emails re: virus software on my personal email. It's starting to feel like harassment. Is anyone else getting this?

The Pretender - plotholes and retcon?

phoenixnz — Sat, 22 Jan 2022 21:46:47 GMT

I've recently been doing a rewatch of The Pretender.

For those who don't know anything about this show, it aired from 1996 to 2000 and had a couple of movies. It was about Jarod, a genius who could become anyone he wanted to be and would travel around the US uncovering different things and helping the weak and abused while digging up things about his own life. Jarod grew up in a place called The Centre, which exploited him forcing him to create simulations, and basically kept him prisoner. Jarod is pursued by Miss Parker, a once childhood friend, who has her own past secrets to unlock. She's as much a prisoner of The Centre as Jarod in many ways.

Her father runs The Centre. Her mother died when she was a little girl. She has a twin brother, a psychopath named Mr Lyle.

The acting in this show was brilliant. Michael T Weiss was Jarod and he was just so gifted at conveying emotion just with his eyes. Jamie Denton played Mr Lyle, a really good-looking man, who appeared charming on the surface, but was soooo creepy. Honestly, he used to give me chills. Miss Parker was played by Andrea Parker, and she was amazing. She played her part so well, torn between chasing Jarod and the tragedy of her own past.

Anyway, the show had four seasons. I kind of wonder if they knew they were going to be cancelled before they wrote the last few episodes because the last two episodes at least just don't fit with other events of previous seasons. Here's why.

The Inner Sense, parts 1 and 2

It's revealed that Miss Parker's mother, Catherine, didn't die in an elevator. That she faked her death so she could disappear. She had found out she was pregnant, but that her husband had her artificially inseminated with the sperm of Jarod's father.

This doesn't work for me. Reasons:

1. The faking of her death was too public. She was supposedly shot in an elevator. Miss Parker, as a young girl, was not that far away.
2. The first time we find out about her death, there's a video where she cries out "No. Leave me alone." Or something like that. So that doesn't fit.
3. The night before her death, she was supposedly working with Jarod's father to rescue Jarod, her daughter and also Timmy/Angelo, who had been subjected to an experiment by Dr William Raines. (She got there too late) So why would she now trust Raines to perform her 'autopsy'. And how could they have possibly faked it on the DSA when Raines is seen with one of those tools used to saw into bone (I think that's what it was for).
4. In the DSA where Miss Parker sees her mother in the house where she hid until the baby was born, it was dated June. Catherine's 'death' was in April. Where had she been for two months?
5. If she'd been working with Major Charles (Jarod's father), why didn't she just go to him to help her?

So yeah, those are my thoughts.

Other things that don't fit. The actress who played Miss P was a lot younger than Michael T Weiss, yet in the DSAs showing their childhood, they looked to be the same age. We are never actually told how old Jarod is, but it said in the intro in the first season that the Centre 'isolated Jarod' in 1963. We know that Jarod was about 4 when he was taken from his family. When he's shown in 1970, he looks to be maybe about 12. So in 1996, that would make him 38. It's a bit of a plothole.

I'd love for this show to be rebooted, with some of those plotholes fixed The creators have released a couple of novels, but that's about it. Either the books didn't sell well enough or they just ran out of ideas. I don't know. It's just one of those shows that I would like to see come back in some form or another.

Happy New Year 2022

phoenixnz — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 20:21:29 GMT

It's been ages since I've done a retrospective of the year, and I guess the first day of the New Year is as good a time as any.

The last year had its ups and downs, as they do.

New Zealand was going along okay, then we had Delta rear its ugly head in August, so we ended up in lockdown. Most of the country came out of lockdown after a couple of weeks, but Auckland remained in lockdown until early December. Which sucked. Not that I live in Auckland anymore, but I felt bad for the people who do.

The anti-vaxxers seemed to come out of the woodwork, and some of them were talking very dangerous talk. One who shall go unnamed threatened to blow up a mobile unit and has been causing trouble all over the place. The guy is making himself look like a goddamned fool and he's just inciting others. We had anti-vaxxers also target one of my company's offices, which got our head office basically telling us to shut down access to the public. Which had me a little worried, since the office where I am, there's only me staffing it four days a week.

Now, of course, we have the threat of Omicron, and while we've only had a few cases at the border, no one thinks it'll be long before it gets out into the community.

To be honest, all of us are sick of the whole subject and as much as I wanted to not say anything about it, this is a retrospective of my year, so ...

Writing wise, I've really backed off the fanfics. I haven't been updating those much. I still have five works in progress, but frankly other things have taken priority.

This year, I published one novel, which was The Greatest Love. I started working on a new book series, called Seasons of Change. The first book in the series is done, but I'm not intending to get it edited or published until I have almost all the books in the series ready. I started working on the fifth one. I know it's out of order, but it kind of helps so I can sort of work backwards.

I'm also working on a non-fiction book. This one's about a woman who was adopted at birth and went looking for her family. I'm not writing it as a narrative. It's meant to be informative as well as telling her story. She had a very troubled life in her teens.

Word count for the year was just over 95,000 in terms of RL writing. I haven't kept up with the fanfic word count, so I don't know where I'm at with that.

The word count is definitely a lot lower than it has been in other years, but of course the reason for that is I've been working full-time since June. As I've already posted earlier in the year, I got a job as a reporter for a small community. My stories get published five days a week in a page in a daily newspaper, which publishes six days a week.

While the praises are few and far between, I've been told I've revitalised the page and that the stories I write are 'full of heart'. I have a different approach to articles in that I write from a personal angle. So if it's a story about an education programme, for instance, I'll go talk to someone who's been a part of it and write it from that angle. While there are the 'just the facts ma'am' stories, people relate to it more when they read about someone who is involved. The feedback I've had from the community is that they like my approach, which is good.

I'm living in a very small community, population roughly 5000. So it's a lot smaller than I'm used to, but since I tend to keep to myself, it kind of suits me. It's a nice community, about an hour's drive away from where my mum lives, so it's all good.

So, anyway, Happy New Year everyone. Here's to a new year and maybe we'll see better things this year.

Something that is bugging me

phoenixnz — Sun, 19 Sep 2021 08:04:04 GMT

So, I have to move in less than six weeks. I did agree to a place, but after meeting with the house owner on Friday, my instincts are screaming at me to back out.

I've got so many concerns about this guy. I had concerns prior to meeting with him.

The first thing he said to me when I met with him on Friday was that he thought the house wouldn't suit me. One, because it has a fire. I'm not sure what it's called in the US, but it's not an open fireplace. It's sort of like a stove, but not. The last time I lived where there was a fireplace like that was about 25 years ago, and I had nothing to do with it. My flatmate at the time dealt with it.

Where I'm living now, the place has a heat pump. But I've only lived here for three months and most of the places I've lived in have had no heating other than the heating appliances I've used (heater, electric blanket). I'm used to places being cold.

His second worry is that it's a three bedroom house and I'm going to be there on my own.

Then he starts showing me the outside, asking if I'm okay with spraying weedkiller, and using a ladder to get up on the roof to clean out the gutters if they get blocked. I get the general feeling he isn't confident with this and says straight out that 'you need a man'. Like, excuse me? I've been on my own for 30 years. Maybe I haven't lived in an actual house where I've had to do general maintenance but it's not like I don't know what to do. Or can't pick up a phone and call someone.

And surely it's my business whether I use the fire or not. I mean, it might be enclosed and all that, but I'm not going to go to work for eight hours a day and leave the fire going!

He's apparently supposed to be moving to work and live somewhere else and it's supposed to be a permanent move. Yet he says he has to come back a couple of times a year. Which kind of makes me feel like he's going to be micro-managing. He is renting out the place through a real estate property manager. Surely he should just leave it up to the property manager to ... I don't know, manage the tenancy? Why does he even have to be involved in my side of things?

I'm supposed to sign the tenancy agreement on Wednesday. The worst part is, there are no other places around. I have to be out by November because the owner of the unit I'm in now wants to live in it. I get that things happen, but this is worrying me. If I back out, I'll have nowhere else to go. There is a major housing shortage here. And no, living with the parents is just not an option. For one, they're at least 50kms away, and two, there's no room in their place for me.

I've come to the realisation that I just don't trust people. I've been hurt so many times by people I thought I could trust, or let down by them, that I'm now wondering if all these worries are because I just don't trust the guy. And maybe I'm reading too much into it.

I haven't even started packing anything.

Copies

phoenixnz — Sun, 19 Sep 2021 00:23:28 GMT

Hello all,

I have way too many copies of my depression book and I was wondering if anyone would like a copy. The only thing is, I can't make it completely free. If you were willing to pay the estimated postage cost, I would send it. Sorry, but the reason for this is to send to the US is about $NZ30 and to the UK it's about $NZ25. It definitely isn't cheap.

Totally up to you.

The thing is, I'm moving. Again. Totally not my choice, but the landlord wants to move back in to the unit I'm in. Gah! I hate moving! So I need to free up some space a bit.

If you want more info about the book, what it's about etc, instead of searching through previous posts, just let me know in the comments and I'll refresh your memory.

Social housing

phoenixnz — Sat, 21 Aug 2021 21:39:20 GMT

I just read this column about a social housing development in an area near where my mum used to live. It's an area that was developed probably 20-30 years ago, so it's still considered one of those 'posh' areas.

There is a housing crisis in New Zealand. There are families who cannot afford to buy, cannot afford the rents, so they are forced to go to social housing. Even then, there is a huge waiting list.

This column was about a petition not to build this social housing development for fear of gangs, and while it goes unsaid, affecting the property values. The columnist talked about classism and the prejudice she faced as someone of a certain ethnicity as well as coming from a 'poor area'.

The perception is that many of these families will be from other ethnicities, rather than those whose ancestry came from western Europe. And those that started the petition feared the development would lead to increased gang activity, for one thing.

Statistically, there are more of these families of other ethnicities, but I think I need to point out that not all of these families have gang affiliations, and not all poor families are exclusively one (or two) ethnicities.

I grew up in social housing. Back in the 1970s, my perception was that living in a house that was rented from the government was a big no-no. To use an American term, we would be considered 'trailer-trash', despite the fact that we were actually living in a fairly decent house, instead of a trailer.

Understand this is how I perceived things. Right or wrong. But even then, I felt if you were poor, you were lazy, uneducated, didn't care about trying to make yourself better.

My father would cycle to town to work. If we had to get groceries, we either used the work van or I think we would have walked if we didn't have a car. We used a local grocery store rather than the supermarket.

If Mum needed to go to town, she would take the bus (she never had her licence anyway). Again, there has always been the perception, at least in the city I grew up in, that if you didn't own a car and took public transport, you were lower than low.

Of course, now it's different, especially in Auckland. Public transport is more convenient and cheaper than paying exorbitant parking fees.

Yet what gets me is the thought that because I'm white, I shouldn't be in social housing. It's this idea that only certain people of a certain ethnicity are in social housing. Never mind circumstances. Or it's the idea that I'm uneducated. Or that my parents were stupid or something.

Or this idea that because someone lives in social housing and they're of a certain ethnicity, they're not to be trusted.

I just don't get it. How about we stop putting these sorts of labels on people and stop judging someone based on someone else's perception? A person may be poor, but they can still be polite, decent and educated. Just not in the way some people perceive is education. And some people can be rich and can be complete dicks and horrible people. No one is good just because they have a lot of money. And no one is bad just because they're poor.

Wow!

phoenixnz — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 04:23:51 GMT

Is it me or is there real entitlement in this passage?

Some people live in a world of their own. For anyone outside their own immediate household they haven’t a thought. Such instances have come to light locally since the present epidemic. Several households have almost completely isolated themselves, and have exhibited a marked indifference to the sufferings or wants of others. When the demon germ, however, gets hold of them they squeal about the indifference of other people to their sufferings. Selfishness is writ large in several Foxton houses.

One lady was much concerned about the passing of a friend. “That is very sad of course,” was the reply. “But it is the living sick that require attention at present.” The subject was then quickly changed.

This was written in 1918 as the Influenza epidemic was raging through New Zealand. I was thinking about doing an article comparing what happened then to what is happening today.

By the way, we're in lockdown for a few days and I'm working from home. We have cases of the Delta variant in the community - fortunately not in my community but further north.

The weekend

phoenixnz — Sun, 15 Aug 2021 07:10:12 GMT

Well, I'd have to say the weekend was a bit of a disaster.

I took the day off on Friday to fly down to Christchurch with the parents, because my stepdad had a Lodge convention.

The flight was good, but by the time we got to the airport in Christchurch, there wasn't any food I felt comfortable eating. Plus airport food is so expensive!

We get a taxi to the hotel. That ride was a rip-off. Over $40. I'm not sure how far it was, but it still felt like a rip-off.

We get into the room and it stinks! It smells like someone's been smoking in the bathroom. But we can't get another room because the only ones available are upstairs, which Mum can't handle, because of her knees.

I suggested air freshener but the guy who comes in to spray it goes completely overboard. Honestly, the smell of the air freshener was just as bad as the stale smoke.

I get there was little they could do about it, considering there were maybe 40 rooms taken up by people attending the convention. I was worried Mum would have an asthma attack or something. I certainly didn't like the smell. Every time we came back to the room, we could still smell the smoke.

Ugh, people who smoke in hotel rooms really annoy me. What would they do if they suddenly found out they'd caused someone's death because they felt entitled to smoke when there is a law saying there is no smoking inside buildings (other than your own home)? Mind you, I guess people that entitled wouldn't care.

Moving on. There was a meet and greet, along with dinner. We're sitting at the table and there is an old friend of the parents sitting next to me. Well, this guy comes to speak to the friend and basically wedges himself in between me and the other man, just about pushing me off my chair. He acted like I wasn't even there. That was pretty rude.

It was bad enough that they had so many tables in what felt like a small area and you could barely move.

The dinner was buffet, but while they offered lamb, it was fatty and not nice, and I took one bite of the chicken and nearly threw up. I don't know what was on it, but it made my stomach churn the rest of the evening.

Next day, the ladies were to get on a bus for a mystery tour. The first part was okay, although there were other ladies like Mum who had trouble getting in and out of the bus. I'm thinking this was not a good idea. We're asked to put in our lunch orders and I ordered ham steaks and asked for no salad. The person giving the orders to the restaurant must have miscommunicated something because the restaurant rang to check. Then when we get to the restaurant, our food was supposed to have been pre-cooked. They bring out the ham steaks, and there's salad on it. I have anxiety with vegetables. That's why I ask for them not to be included. I get the miscommunication, but it should have been pretty clear what I wanted. Their answer was to just scrape it off. What if I'd been allergic? You can't just scrape it off and hope that covers it.

Anyway, the steak was ok, but really needed some sauce with it. It was too dry otherwise. We had chips (fries) as well, but again, no sauce. Plus it was barely warm.

The only good thing about the lunch was the ice cream sundaes.

As for the tour, most of it we were basically going around in circles because it sounded to me like the lady who had organised it had an idea in her head but didn't think that the bus couldn't go certain places, and wasn't able to just park close to an area to help those who couldn't walk that far.

It went on way too long and it was over seven hours by the time we got back to the room.

They had a banquet dinner, but yeah, here's the worst part. They had food I couldn't eat and I had a meltdown. I started crying. I felt like a complete asshole because my anxiety just went through the roof over it. It was just the culmination of a very, very bad day. I was overtired, stressed, and the fact is, I never wanted to go on this trip, but the only reason I did was for Mum, because she apparently had to be there, even though healthwise, she wasn't up to it.

I'm back at work tomorrow, but I kind of wish I had another day just to recover from the weekend. Weekends are supposed to be for rest, and fun things. Not stress!

Anyway, I'm starting a therapy with a lady who I hope will be able to help me with my veggie anxiety. I can't keep doing this to myself.

Hey, how's the world treating you?

phoenixnz — Sun, 08 Aug 2021 00:08:07 GMT

It's been a while since I've updated anything.

The job's going well. I've done a couple of really great stories in the last few weeks, which I think will help in terms of the probationary period. I don't want to hedge my bets, but I think the feedback has been really good so far. They seem to be really happy with what I'm doing and my output, which is good.

This week I have a day off and am flying down to Christchurch for the weekend with the parents. I hope it's not snowing next weekend when we're down there. I'm not used to the snow. It's supposed to have snowed today and tomorrow, but not that much. We'll see, I guess.

I'm not looking forward to the trip all that much. It's not that I don't want to visit Christchurch again, it's the fact that I'm only going down because my stepdad has some Lodge thing and my mum is going despite her health issues because he doesn't like going to these things by himself. Anyway, I expect I'll be spending all my time doing what's been planned for the Lodge wives because no one else will be able to keep an eye on Mum. Yeah, I'm complaining, I know, but I'm tired of feeling obligated. Especially now that I have a full-time job that takes a lot of my energy.

Having said that, now that I'm settled, and I mean really settled, I'm happier than I have been in a very, very long time. Yes, there are minor issues with my flat, but they really are minor and I'm finally in a place that feels more of a home than I've had since I was a child. I'd still love to buy a home of my own, but that's not likely unless I win Lotto. So I can deal. I'm buying myself some decent furniture so I can get rid of some of the crappy stuff I have. I'll have to replace my bed at some stage, as it's over 13 years old and the mattress is pretty bad, but I can live with it for now.

I'm at almost 40,000 words on the novel. So roughly about 10,000 words to go if I want to keep it to that limit. I didn't write a lot in June, or July, but that's ok. It takes time to settle into a routine, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

Anyway, that's me for now. In case you were wondering how I was doing.

How is everyone else doing?

June writing

phoenixnz — Thu, 01 Jul 2021 08:15:11 GMT

I didn't get much done in the way of writing in June. At least, not my personal stuff.

I moved house mid-June and started my new job on the 15th of June. I had planned out my first week by going and talking to people in the community and getting to know where I'm living now.

The place I live is a small town, with a population of around 5000. It's mostly rural, but it's a really lovely little town with Scandinavian heritage.

I pretty much hit the ground running within my first week, getting my first story done on the Wednesday and in the paper. I'm trying to think of an apt analogy. Being back in journalism is like putting on an old coat or something. One that was always warm and comfortable but maybe with some alterations so it's both new and old. Something like that.

I knew it was going to take a little time for me to adjust to working full-time again, and while I'm still a little tired at night, I'm starting to adjust. The nice thing is that I don't have to take my car if I'm not planning on going far to interview people, as I live about five minutes' walk from work.

So, yeah, I'm doing pretty well. It's already starting to get busy with a few articles in the works. Everyone has been lovely so far and I think management are even pleased with what I've been doing thus far.

I still have a bit of unpacking to do and a bit of sorting out, but I'll get there eventually.

Should I give up fanfic writing?

phoenixnz — Sun, 13 Jun 2021 07:25:27 GMT

Yesterday, I got a comment on one of my works in progress which upset me quite a bit. Basically, they called it trash, said they wasted their time on 'such trash' and then said I should have put a "f***ing warning*. I have no idea what warning they were expecting. I did post on a FB group about it, and while some were supportive, others acted like I was the one in the wrong. I mean, seriously, how could someone trashing a story be a kneejerk reaction to something that might have triggered them? And how am I supposed to know what it was if all they say is put a warning on it.

It was a Buffy/SV crossover and it's mostly been pretty mild stuff, so I didn't think there was anything I should have warned about. Ok, so I killed off Spike, but I was never into Spike/Buffy. I certainly haven't been graphic and have focused more on character than action.

Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking that maybe I should just stop with the fanfics altogether. Not writing, or commenting. The fact is, now that I have a full-time job in journalism, which is what I've been trying to do for the last 12 years, and I'm still writing novels, my priorities are different. I just don't feel the fanfic writing anymore. I still love Smallville, don't get me wrong. It's just not inspiring me much now.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering doing a purge of my fics on Archive of Our Own, so if there are any you would like copies of, please let me know and I will get the PDFs for you. I am thinking of doing this purge next weekend.

In other news, I was contacted by someone I interviewed over 20 years ago for an article and we became friends through it. She now wants to get together to discuss writing a book about her experience (she's an adoptee who went looking for her birth parents, but it turned out to be quite a negative experience).

Would love your thoughts. I mean, I'm still grateful to the fanfiction community because through that, I met some really amazing people and I wouldn't still be writing without all of your encouragement.

Writing Updates

phoenixnz — Mon, 31 May 2021 08:25:06 GMT

I haven't done one of these for a while.

I'm still working on the historical novel, which is the first in a five book series. It's funny. I was talking with some ladies at my social club and they kind of laughed at the idea of a novel set in 1951 being a historical novel. As if I'm silly for calling it that.

It's got me thinking. At what point does a novel set in the past not be called a historical novel? I mean, the period I'm writing in is 70 years ago, thus a part of history, so to me it is a historical novel. It can't exactly be called contemporary, can it? I don't know. I think the attitude wasn't necessary.

Anyway, I'm at almost 30,000 words on the novel. 12,000 of those were this month. I'm still hoping to reach 50,000 words. The story has moved along nicely and I've been writing scenes which come into play a little later. It's the way I write a lot of my novels. I get inspired to write something that happens later in the story and it does help to make me feel like I am making progress.

Carol has done a wonderful cover for the book, although it's not quite finalised yet. I decided to call the novel Change of Heart and the series will be Seasons of Change. The bulk of the action in each book will take place in a season. The first one focuses on 18 year old Evelyn, who is engaged to George. When she goes with him to the family farm to meet his family, she falls for his younger brother. The relationship sparks a rivalry between the brothers which affects the family for the next two generations. That's the basic premise. The series follows the family through those three generations.

I've also been working on some fanfics. Still Smallville ones. I've got to a point where it feels almost like a chore to write the fanfics and I want to wind some of them up, but I don't want to just end them for the sake of stopping writing fanfics because I want to focus more on my novel writing. Especially when I'd be doing huge time jumps. I hate when stories are left unfinished. And it's still good writing practice for me.

I won't have much time for writing other stuff in two weeks, since I start my new job on the 15th of June. I still haven't found a new place to live yet, but I'm going to look at a place tomorrow. I did apply for one last week and hopefully the agent will have an update. There were a lot of people viewing the property but I feel like it's one of those places where they have a lot of retired and semi-retired residents, so I doubt they'll want young families or anyone in their 20s. We'll see, I guess.

Anyway, that's me. What's been happening in your neck of the woods?

Is this selfish or am I being too hard on him?

phoenixnz — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 21:07:31 GMT

My stepdad belongs to an organisation where he occasionally has to go to meetings/gatherings up and down the country. These tend to be for several hours. This weekend, he's supposed to go to one about an hour or so from where we live. He's been to this place at least three times in the past two or three years, but still can't get his head around where to go. I get that memory isn't so good at his age (he's in his late 70s).

But here's where I have a problem. He wants my mum to go too. If she goes, I have to go too, because this organisation is 'men only' meaning she would have nothing to do. The town he's going to doesn't have much in the way of shopping, but there is a town about ten minutes' drive away which has a mall. She doesn't drive.

Mum has problems with her knees. In that she's in terrible pain most of the time. Her mobility sucks, quite frankly. She's got an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on Wednesday next week (finally) and her GP has even said she needs to have both knees operated on as one leg will not support the other, and she needs to have this done ASAP.

So, if she ends up going this weekend, I'll have to go to drive her to this mall where she'll have to spend several hours hanging around. There isn't actually a whole lot to this mall and I know she won't feel like shopping. Walking even short distances is hard on her and she'll end up in even more pain. She can't sit for long periods, and I know she won't want to sit for hours in the mall anyway. And I hate to say it, but I hate walking around malls with her because I have to slow my pace. She's way slower than me.

I hate malls - they're noisy and cause far too many sensory issues for me. If I have to go to one, I usually go to the place I need to go, get what I need and then get out. I don't waste time shopping around. Too many screaming kids, for one.

My stepdad does this a lot. My mum is way better at navigation than him, so he'll want her to go with him to various things so he doesn't get lost. He really is that bad with directions. About two times a year he'll have a meeting in the city where they used to live, and he'll take my mum. They'll stay overnight in a motel at the lake, to break up the drive, which is five and a half hours. Another time, he'll have a meeting to go to at another location five hours' drive, but he'll drive the whole way instead of staying overnight somewhere.

If it was just about him spending time with her, considering he still works full-time, I would understand. But he's not spending time with her. He's going to these meetings, leaving her to try to figure out what she's supposed to do all day. It's hard enough for her at the moment because she can't really go anywhere. She's frustrated with her mobility issues, frustrated with her pain levels, making it difficult for her to get any rest, and she's frustrated with him because he has to memorise stuff for these meetings and if she makes any kind of noise he gets pissed off at her.

I've told her to put her foot down this weekend. She is not up to the trip but it sounds to me like he's refusing to contact any of his mates to see if he can go with them. And frankly, I don't want to go either.

So, who's being selfish here? Me? Or him?

Some Thoughts

phoenixnz — Sat, 24 Apr 2021 01:44:47 GMT

I was writing a post for my website about Louisa May Alcott and reading something about Little Women. From what I read, it suggested that she bowed to pressure so that Jo ended up married, even though she herself remained a spinster all her life.

It's got me thinking. Why is it that we perceive society as looking down on people who a) remain single (whether by choice or not) and b) people who are unemployed (not by choice) or are not perceived as successful in their chosen careers?

Of course, I'm looking at my own history. Let's face it. I've had difficulty holding down a job, despite how bright people perceive me to be. The other day I was talking to a friend, who had been talking to the lady who manages my property and the conversation came around to how bright I am. I got the impression the manager feels a bit ... I don't know ... I don't think intimidated is the right word, but kind of close.

Anyway, I've always perceived myself to be judged because of the above issues. I don't choose to be single, but it's partly my fault. I don't drink, so I don't go out to bars/pubs, because I can't stand the smell of alcohol. Really, it makes me want to throw up sometimes. I've joined two clubs in recent years - Zonta and the local Genealogy Society. I'm not much of a joiner. Am I lonely? Yes. I don't get visitors, but then again, who would want to visit a poky one-bedroom place?

I was once at a dinner meeting for Zonta and sitting opposite a guest speaker. They asked me: "What do you do?" Of course, I answered that I'm a writer, but isn't it funny that this tends to be one of the first questions asked when meeting someone. As if to suggest that a person's value is connected to what they do for a living.

I get it. It's a faulty proposition. But I do feel that my self-worth is connected. If I was making money - enough money to live on at least - with my writing, I might feel better about it. But the reality is, I'm not and I don't know if I ever will.

I also feel judged by the fact that I'm single at 50 (or almost) and have never had kids. Again, it's this idea that I'm not meeting expectations. It's mostly my perception, but I'm sure there are people who feel this way and look down on people because of it.

There are some religions out there that preach that a woman's role is to procreate, which to me is very backwards thinking.

I don't know. It just seems the older I get, the more I question what I'm supposed to be doing.

Arghhhh! Bloody scammers!

phoenixnz — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 03:02:46 GMT

My mum called and said: "I think I've won a new phone." I'm like ... what?

She apparently clicked on some link trying to find some games, because she was bored, and the link told her to pick one of three prizes - I've no idea. Anyway, it already had her details and she thought it was ok, so when it asked for her card number to pay postage for the 'new phone' she entered it without even thinking about it.

I practically yelled at her she'd just been scammed and to ring the bank immediately. She didn't believe me, but did ring the bank and was complaining about the wait times. She would have had more to complain about if they'd got access to her accounts and stole money from her.

My god, after everything my old flatmate went through three years ago, you'd think she'd know better not to click on or sign up for something she knows diddly-squat about. She didn't even know what she was signing up for. When I checked the link, it looked to me like she'd set herself up for a subscription, to who knows what, at over 40 Euros a month.

SMDH

I'm hoping she rang the right number at the bank and not another scammer. Anyway, the guy on the line confirmed it was a scam and was blocking her card.

All this because she was bored. NO EXCUSE!!!

Parents!

*headdesk*

Question

phoenixnz — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 21:48:11 GMT

I'm really hoping you guys understand what I'm trying to say.

I've been back on the unemployment since January. I hate it and of course, I'm under obligations to look for work. I've been limiting my options and I know I shouldn't, but I really don't want any other work other than writing/journalism.

My mum was talking to my cousin who reckons I should just omit my degree qualifications from my CV/resume. I don't want to. I have several thoughts about this.

1. It amounts to lying, which compromises my principles.
2. What happens if I get the job and then the employer finds out about the degrees? If the role has certain responsibilities, won't that call my integrity into question?
3. Don't some employers do background checks these days? I know here some of them require criminal background checks, which doesn't matter to me because I've never done anything, but it's the thought of doing other checks. Again, wouldn't my honesty be questioned if they did somehow find out about the degree and then wonder what else I might have lied about?
4. Most employers would see what's on my CV, regardless of the degrees, and think well, she's not going to stay very long as she'll always be looking for something more suited to her experience/qualification.

Am I over-thinking this? Am I wrong to only go for the kinds of roles that I know are more suitable?

I've worked in customer service and admin, and I find both kinds of roles more stressful than journalism/writing. I'm afraid that if I did get another customer service role, especially call centre, that I will end up sliding backwards and undo all the hard work I've done to manage my mental health.

There is something I've been thinking about, but I really don't know how to go about it. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a meeting for my service club and it was mentioned that there are never any positive stories in the newspaper lately. The discussion was mostly around university students (we have a university in our city) and how even the university magazine only focuses on students doing the wrong thing, rather than positive stuff. So I was thinking of starting an online magazine, focusing on those sorts of stories. Maybe having sections on health, guest columns etc. Another idea I had was creating a magazine that is purely about the arts. Including theatre and movie reviews, book reviews, exhibitions and talking to authors.

Anyway, if you've got time, I'd love your thoughts on this.

Video

phoenixnz — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 06:33:37 GMT

I thought you'd like to see the video I took on my walk yesterday along the river. It really did help clear my head for a while.

The Greatest Love is now available

phoenixnz — Tue, 09 Feb 2021 20:31:10 GMT

My eighth novel is now available for sale on Amazon and Smashwords. Prices are in US dollars. Paperback is just over 280 pages, almost 80,000 words so I think the cost is reasonable.

Synopsis:

Deanna has spent her life trying to please everyone. Then Richard Carter asks her to marry him and she accepts … because, why not? He's smart, good-looking and, sure, there are a few red flags, but he claims to love her. The marriage is against her father's wishes but she's tired of sacrificing her own desires for her father's sake.

She slowly begins to realise her husband's charming exterior hides a monster beneath. She escapes her abusive marriage and falls for another man - her husband's former best friend. He's kind and thoughtful - sure, he may not be as good-looking but he's a good man and he makes her laugh. She loves him but knows it's not enough. Ultimately, she must decide if this new love is what she really needs.

She has to move on from the past and learn to love herself.

The title is based on the Whitney Houston song, The Greatest Love of All, and comes from the line: "Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all."

Kindle $4.49
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08W8R3QXV
Paperback $14.99
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0473564076
Smashwords epub $4.49
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1068221

What a great story this would make

phoenixnz — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 07:37:00 GMT

So a cousin got in touch with me through Ancestry over the weekend and shared some of his family tree with me. It turns out that one of my great-great-great-grandfathers was very likely sent to Tasmania as a convict. There’s some conflicting information like his age at the time of his conviction. He was supposedly born around 1819, but his age when he died suggests he was born in 1811. He also changed his last name. I wonder if it’s possible that he made himself out to be older than he was. Anyway, the thing that fascinates me the most is he got a life sentence for house breaking and theft.

I still have to resolve all this conflicting information but I’m thinking it would be a great historical novel. Or even a non-fiction exploration into life at that time. Either way, I’ll be able to indulge in another of my passions.

Writing Updates

phoenixnz — Sun, 31 Jan 2021 02:36:51 GMT

So, my editor has finished with The Greatest Love. I just have to go over it, do some formatting and get my ISBN before I upload it to Amazon. All in all, I'm pretty happy with what I've done with this book. Not just the writing, but for the fact that I did get it professionally edited. It made me feel a lot better about my writing in general.

I do have a new book in mind. I keep procrastinating on the historical series, but that's ok. I'll get this one out of my head first, I think.

The new one centres on Zoe, who is about to turn 30 and is seeing all her friends having families while she remains single. She's feeling a bit left out. She comes up with a plan to join an online dating app, with one goal in mind. To find a partner willing to have a baby with her.

Meanwhile, she meets up with an old classmate from high school, Jared. As the two of them reconnect, she starts to wonder whether he might actually be the guy she's looking for.

The tentative title is: Wanted: Baby Daddy. I'm not sure about it so if you have alternative suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

In my other writing, I still have fanfics I'm working on. I'm trying to focus on one at a time. The focus right now is the Smallville/Buffy crossover. I'm up to Season 4. There will be no Spike/Buffy - I've killed him off. There is no Initiative, but there is going to be an Adam - the way I see it, Prof Walsh went against orders to create Adam and of course he went completely rogue. His target is going to be Clark instead of Riley. I'm trying not to rehash all the episodes but I will have to include some minor details. Oh, and since there's no Spike, Lex basically plays that role.

Next weekend, I'm going to a small town a couple of hours' drive from here to take part in a fair. I'll have my Depression book on display and hopefully a few people will buy copies. I'll also display my novels and have my business card there so people can take those and I'll talk to them about the novels and take orders. It's going to be a very long day. I'll have to leave here about 5am at the latest so I have time to get there and set up to start at 8am. Wish me luck.

Random post is random

phoenixnz — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 23:00:33 GMT

I can't help thinking that the US is on the brink of a civil war. Dear lord, I hope not. Otherwise I can see riots happening all over the country and my friends caught up in it.